Better Off Dead... (1985) Edit

A big test.

A giant teddy bear bigger than you.

A guy named Stalin.

A man alone

A man who still goes

A nice breakfast will cheer you up.

A number of times, yes. She's a delightful girl with a firm grip.

A perfectly good white boy like that.

A rest stop on the way to a ski slope.

After the Olympics, everything looked so damned easy.

Al, you fixed the windows.

All I want is to come to the States and see Dodger Stadium.

All right, Joanne Greenwald, you horrible thing...

All right, Joanne Greenwald.

All right! Now turn!

All right.

All you gotta do to be captain, Myer, is beat me.

All you've got to do is go that way really fast.

And "Fraunch" bread.

And besides, Roy can ski the K 12.

And dying when you're not really sick...

And girls will get sterile just looking at you.

And hijacked a school bus full of penguins.

And I guess I thought I couldn't live without her or something.

And I love you so much

And I really think it's in my best interest...

And I would like to see the results.

And I'm gonna die.

And I'm just doing this as a favor to my dad, right?

And I've decided I'm gonna help you.

And look, corn in seasoned sauce. He likes corn.

And my grandmother dropped acid and freaked out...

And my vast expertise of skiing technique.

And show us your solution to this paltry geometric dilemma.

And the school system, you find it adequate?

And to drink... ta da!

And...

Any girl in this school would be overwhelmed to go out with me.

Are equal to the described triangle CAB...

At Brody Mountain today.

At the entrance of the school.

Badger likes the prizes you can get...

Be a skating team.

Better looking, drives a nicer car.

Better shave her a little closer before you kiss her good night.

Bon appétit.

Breakin'up is hard to do

Bring it home, mama!

Broke? It broke?

Buck up, little camper.

But everybody wants some

But I fell too hard I guess I ain't the one

But I know that you were going out with that girl Beth.

But I told you the sordid details of my intimate sex life with Ricky.

But of course I speak English. I speak very good English.

But the Brooklyn Dodgers?

By reengaging in the ritual act of dating members of the opposite sex.

Bye.

Can derive a repeated vectoral sum.

Can I be excused? I'm not feeling well.

Can't you wait until the...

Cast your mind back.

Chris Cummins? You haven't got a chance.

Christmas.

Come in here and sit down, please, young man.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come. Help me push this into the garage.

Composing the aforementioned NIGH.

Conductor don't like it

Cooking's her new thing. She cooks all the time now.

Could see what a real girl looks like.

Creating our geometric configurations...

Cross continental romance brewing here.

Crying when the date's over.

Damn.

Darkens our domain under a moldy tarp.

Dear, your breakfast is getting cold.

Didn't ask for a dime.

Dirt? Relish?

Do something to him.

Do we not throw things away when they're empty?

Do you have Christmas in France?

Do you know how long a drive it is to get here?

Dodgers, huh? I notice you have a pretty good pitching arm.

Doesn't he turn to dust if the sun hits him before noon?

Doesn't...

Don't be so shy. Come on.

Don't get me wrong. My mom means well, she really does.

Don't know where you are

Don't listen to Stalin, kid. He's a punk.

Don't take your love...

Don't you understand English?

Down K 12 this Sunday at noon.

Drei, fry. Go!

Ever since I got my license, those kamikaze pilots have been after me.

Ever.

Everybody wants some I want some too

Everybody wants some.

Everybody's gonna be wearing one of these.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Face it. You're a no show, a loss.

Face to face I had no secrets to hide

Fifty ways to leave your lover

First, we'd have gone out to dinner. That's ten bucks apiece.

For the ski team on Sunday.

Friend.

From cutting the coupons from the boxes.

From Roy.

Get outta the car!

Get outta the car!

Get... Get...

Go that way really fast.

Go to the movies, have a soda.

Go!

God, he's too embarrassed to tell me.

God, what do you do?

Good luck.

Good night.

Goon.

Got his arm caught in the microwave and...

Greendale is a bodaciously small town.

Had to buy that guy a new hat last time. Bye, Dad.

Half of which is approximately $ 13.67.

Has slept in an auto cocoon on my front lawn.

Have a Ding Dong. They're good.

Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

Have you seen the exchange student who's staying at the Smiths's house?

He can't do anything without that girl.

He had to buy the guy a new hat last time.

He practically became a son to Jules and Irene.

He sits around crocheting all day and snorting nasal spray.

He went skiing this morning with Charles De Mar.

He'd get bored, go away.

He's going up to Mt. Brody with Beth.

He's just a geek. Listen, the wet wimp ain't gonna show up.

He's mailing them today.

He's the only person in Greendale...

Hell, if you can do it...

Hell, yes, something is wrong!

Hello, Beth? Hey, it's Christmas.

Hello? Hello?

Hello. How was your day?

Here's your one chance to go out with a real stud.

Hereto made orientable in our diagram...

Hey there. I know this is awkward, me being a cartoon and all.

Hi. How was your date?

Hi. I was just wondering...

HIGK, PEGQ and LMNO...

His what?

Hold on! Wait one second.

Hold on. You think you're such a big tough guy because you're captain.

Hold that thought.

Holy shit. You big faker. You speak English.

Honey, what have you done?

Honey, you're getting all upset over nothing.

How about your sax?

How can you just throw away six months?

How come you're so small?

How could I enjoy high school with you as a boyfriend?

How could she throw away six months?

How you say... octopus, testicles?

How?

How's it going? Here's the ski you called about.

Hurts so bad

I am his love goddess, his prostrate.

I am not getting upset over...

I beat you!

I believe the term was "tasty."

I can get my dad's Polaroid or something.

I can make a call if you want. Come on.

I can see you and I share one common desire...

I can't even get real drugs here.

I can't figure it out, Badger.

I could be home right now drinking this monster eggnog...

I don't believe it. You've understood everything we've said?

I don't get it. How could...

I don't know what Ricky even sees in you.

I don't know. You might find a nice friend.

I don't wanna date other girls. I wanna date Beth.

I feel like we should tell someone or do something.

I got the recipe from the Ladies' Home Journal.

I got these for Christmas.

I guess after my mom's cooking, you'll probably tolerate anything.

I guess people do a lot of handshaking in France.

I guess she just won't be able to eat any spicy foods for a while.

I had no idea where you'd gotten off to.

I have a great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in wood shop...

I haven't even been to New York City.

I heard something.

I just can't wait till tomorrow.

I just figured you could explain this dramatic death wish.

I knew right away

I know high school girls.

I know that we don't even know each other...

I mean, he skis the K 12.

I mean, six months?

I mean, when you're in love with someone...

I must be brain damaged. I'm gonna race. I'm gonna lose.

I race Stalin tomorrow. Oh, my God. I have to get to a cave right now.

I really thought I loved her, and she dumped me.

I remembered how much you liked...

I say, are enjoying your stay in our town?

I see you've made Monique's... acquaintance.

I seen a lot of people lookin' for a moonbeam

I stopped by to tell you I'm gonna be picking a new captain...

I tell you what. While I'm up here, might as well break one more record.

I tell you, Jenny, that boy is obsessed.

I think all you need is a small taste of success.

I think he's in the shower.

I think I froze the left half of my brain.

I think Monique and our little Ricky have a regular...

I think she wants to use the bathroom.

I think she would like that.

I think the crowds were expecting to see here...

I think we're all going to enjoy this little treat.

I think you're kind of remarkable. How'd you learn to do all this?

I thought if Casanova and I had nothing to say to each other...

I used to go out with this girl named Beth.

I want my two dollars!

I want my two dollars! Two dollars!

I want you in here at 6:00 a.m. Saturday morning.

I wanted to let you know there's an opening on the water ballet team.

I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth.

I was planning on having my nose flattened by a professional anyway.

I was thinking maybe me and you could...

I was thinking...

I will not give it up!

I would blow those boys off the street... vroom.

I'd be better off dead

I'd be better off dead

I'd be better off dead

I'd be better off dead

I'd be better off dead

I'd be lost with someone new

I'd be lost with someone new

I'd be lost with someone new

I'd be tempted

I'd be tempted

I'd rather be a fool

I'll be as bad as Ricky Smith.

I'll be okay.

I'll show you what everybody wants.

I'll talk to you later. I gotta go.

I'll tell him after tryouts. You know how he gets when he gets upset.

I'll tell you what to do.

I'm back to suicide again.

I'm gonna break your goddamn neck!

I'm gonna do it.

I'm just gonna be excused.

I'm no dummy.

I'm okay, really. Nothing's broken. It's just a little... Thank you.

I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky. Doctor said she'll be okay.

I'm right behind ya, buddy.

I'm sorry to inform you that you are going to start dating other girls.

I'm telling my mom.

I'm telling you, practically everybody in the state of Northern California...

I'm telling you...

I've been searchin' every day

I've been searchin' every day

I've been thinking about what you told me last night...

I've heard a few things, and...

If he asks me out, of course I'm gonna go out with him.

If I could get past this first lip, the rest would be a breeze.

If I don't believe in myself, I'm nothing.

If I only had my Camaro running. If I had my Camaro running...

If something gets in your way, turn.

If something gets in your way, turn.

If something gets in your way, turn.

If you were to reenter the sociological mainstream...

If you would mind if I took out Beth.

In me, you see

Instead, he used it as a chance to put his testicles all over me.

International language of love with this reptilian son.

Is an unleashed sex fiend.

Is around this particular mountain waiting to see one Lane Myer...

Is he telling you what a great lover he is?

Is he your main wiener man?

Is really sick, you know?

Is that as in Oscar Mayer?

Is that Myer boy bothering you?

Is the mystery car.

Isn't it fun?

It is also the five triangles...

It looks very, very close.

It was love at first sight.

It would spoil the wish.

It's a brand new year.

It's a Christmas miracle.

It's a crisp September morning.

It's all right, Mom. I can't have breakfast today. I got tryouts.

It's an awesome spectacle...

It's Christmas Eve.

It's his first day at work. I don't want him to be late.

It's okay.

It's real aardvark fur.

It's tryouts for the high school ski team.

Jennifer, this is fabulous liqueur.

Jesus.

Jesus. I haven't even been anywhere.

Just ask your last girlfriend.

Just bam! Like that, I'm gone.

Just for a minute.

Just like that?

Just one milk.

Just remember to memorize pages 39 to 110 for tomorrow's lesson.

Just throw it away.

Kick his ass.

Know where I can score some?

Lane, a closet door can be closed as well as it can be opened.

Lane, are you all right?

Lane, you really are the best.

Lane's here. I gotta go. I'll call you later. Bye.

Language lessons.

Language lessons.

Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Like you, for instance. You think of these ways of killing yourself...

Listen up. Your running time has to be...

Listen. I think we should talk.

Listen...

Little Ricky's been lookin' all over for you.

Look at this! How am I supposed to live through this?

Look, I gotta go. The Christmas tree's on fire.

Look, Lane. If you were living with a family like that...

Look. He will not leave me alone. He thinks because I stay here...

Look. I can't move my right arm.

Lookin' real good.

Lookin' really good today, buddy.

Looks good, huh?

Mainly because your girlfriend Beth said it was...

Making it a grand total of $26.37.

Man, it's a real shame when folks be throwin' away...

Man, what a hunk.

Matches.

Maybe I got dirt on my nose when I itched it.

Me Lane.

Mellow off.

Memorandum. I would like to take a meeting with you tonight...

Merci buckets.

Monique and I would like to continue our conversation.

Monique, enjoying your stay in our town?

Monique, I just wanted to thank you for everything.

Monique, I'm sorry.

Monique, what are you doing to my car? It's already screwed up.

Morning.

Mother will pick us up at the entrance of the school.

Mrs. Smith probably got her so that weirdo son...

My brother makes with lighter fluid.

My God. What happened to you? You're all mangled.

My little brother, he's building a space shuttle out of appliances.

Myer takes the lead. This could go in Myer's favor.

Myer's new frog girlfriend here is just as much of a clod as he is.

Nervous stomach. Don't wanna throw up from the chairlift again.

Nice talking to you.

No explanation, no reason.

No kiddin'?

No longer the victory hungry stallion...

No, thanks. I already had breakfast. What are you doing to my car?

No. Prostitute.

Not at the moment.

Not certain members of the team. The whole team.

Not now.

Not now. Please, God.

Not that. Please don't let it be a booger.

Now a study in mawkishness.

Now all I see is that... that face in my door every time I move.

Now open this one next.

Now put on this hat.

Now, come on. Don't be shy. Give her your present.

Now, now. I'll see you all tomorrow.

Now. Everyone's gonna be wearing one of these this year.

Now...

Obsessed?

Of a one way love

Of course not. So what do you want us to do? Pack it up?

Of one to ten on your style, which will be judged solely by me...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ricky's dead.

Once again paralleled in an obstinate attempt to prove...

One night with me, and she'll probably go blind with ecstasy.

Oops.

Oops.

Or speaking Howard Cosell.

Outrageous.

Pal, let's get something straight. I don't wanna go out with you...

Pat. Pat pig.

Perhaps you can tell us what brought on...

Perhaps you should go over and welcome her to our town.

Please join us at the blackboard...

Please, take them out.

Poor creature.

Quintuplicated.

Really?

Really. Why?

Red dog! Red dog!

Relish on my nose? How gross.

Remember? I was telling you about it before? It doesn't work.

Reminds me of the moonshine Ricky's dead pappy used to make.

Ricky, are you dead? I think he's dead. Monique.

Ricky.

Right on! Get up there, and let's see what you got.

Right, Ricky?

School hasn't started yet.

See that sign up there?

See you later.

She itched her nose. I wonder if that was...

She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak "imbecile."

She'll be very disappointed if we aren't right...

She's probably just testing me.

Shit! Stupid!

Since then, that "tasty" car...

Six damn months!

Six months is just... I'm history.

Smitty? Yo, Smitty!

So get the lead out. That is all.

So I boiled it.

So it's kind of a family crisis.

So let's just say you give it up.

So let's make it a whole lot easier on ourselves, shall we?

So what are you and Myer talking about?

So, how do you like Greendale?

Some kind of message to me that there's something on my nose.

Some things are not that hard to understand, Lane.

Someone's gonna see God.

Something wrong, Monique?

Sophia.

Sorry, Dad.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sounds great.

Spencer, we're gonna send Roy down alone.

Stalin's a hero, the only one in this town who can ski the K 12.

Starin' the night away

Stay with them for six months.

Step up.

Suicide is never the answer, little trooper.

Sunday. High noon.

Superiority of the roads unequal in our lifetime.

Sure he's going up with Beth.

Tackle this totally untamed slope, dead or alive.

Talk to you later.

Talk to you tonight. I gotta pick up Beth.

Tell me something.

Tell you what. Why don't you wait in the front of the school?

Tentacles. "N t." Tentacles.

Than to live without you

Than to live without you

Than to live without you

Than to live without you

Thank you, honey.

That makes sense.

That thing goes so fast. It's got an engine...

That thing I put on me... it broke.

That thing's going to work. I can't get that out of the driveway.

That? Is my car. The Camaro.

That's $22 altogether. Tax and tip... 25.

That's a Christmas present.

That's a roger, dude.

That's funny. He wiped his nose after I did.

That's her.

That's probably... That's her.

That's sick.

The chances seem slim that this once great has the nerve...

The Chapmans had their exchange student...

The chocolate nut brownie in this one.

The desire to be a part of the well oiled machinery...

The desire to win, that he once had.

The French foreign exchange student who'll be staying with us.

The geometric metaphors...

The hood.

The international language.

The international language.

The K 12, dude.

The language of love.

The less you spoke, the happier you would be, I promise you.

The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together.

The once great champ...

The one with the big antenna on her face?

The other learned English from watching the Wide World of Sports.

The problem here is... my little brother, this morning...

The subject is...

The thing about Roy is he plays the guitar.

The three cardinal t****zoidal formations...

The truth is, I could out ski you any day of the week.

The tryouts won't be the same if you're not there, champ.

Then you pat it in the pig mold.

There is still one more thing I would like to discuss with Lane.

There they are.

There.

There's a New Year's Eve dance at your school.

There's one language I speak that all women understand.

Therefore, in a like manner...

They call me mad! Mad! Mad!

They say that breakin'up is hard to do...

They're coming out of the woods!

They're out there. They're after me.

This crazy feelin'

This is a bit awkward.

This is as bad as it will ever get.

This is good way of getting this attention, when we beat him.

This is it.

This is pure snow. It's everywhere.

This is very important to me. I mean, really.

This just in. Lane Myer will be racing Roy Stalin...

This was a sublime metamorphosis of the Lane Myer...

This was your assignment...

This, how you say, "dorkhead"...

Those are the keys to this establishment.

To always remember your trip to the United States.

To discuss that vehicle you purchased several months ago...

To the trembling of the trees

Together? Where it goes?

Too bad. Real close. Next.

Truly a sight to behold... a man beaten.

Tryin' to find another way

Tryin' to find another way

Twenty papers. That's two dollars.

Two dollars! Two dollars!

Two dollars.

Two dollars. Cash.

Two things. One...

Under 58 seconds to even be considered for the team.

Unless you're a cheapskate...

Until it's time for you to take the track.

Up!

Voilà.

Wait a minute, Mr. Bear. This is crazy. I bet we get her back.

Wait for me at my locker.

Wait. I forgot the most important thing.

Wait. This is death here.

Walkin' in the rain

Warm.

Washed up, aged ex champion.

Watch this.

Watch. It's no sweat.

We'll do this.

We're neighbors.

We're through. That's it.

We've been seeing an awful lot of each other lately...

We've been worried sick.

Well, as we're discovering around our household...

Well, honey, it's sure...

Well, honk my hooter!

Well, I was wondering...

Well, nice meeting you.

Well, you sure got my vote for cutest couple.

Well...

What a coach.

What are you doin' out here? Do you know what time it is?

What are you doing to my Camaro?

What does that mean?

What else is there that is of interest in the States...

What have you done to it?

What if I ski the K 12? You think she'd take me back?

What in the name of all that's holy...

What is Lane doing up at this hour on a Sunday?

What is the next victim's name?

What the hell? Wait a minute here.

What's a little boy like you doing with big boy smut like this?

What's that?

What's wrong?

Where have you been? We've all been waiting for you.

Which even as we speak...

Which have no properties, but with location...

Who told me dreams don't work out great

Why aren't you with Ricky?

Why don't we have you sorry looking lot of hopefuls make your way up.

Why don't you give me that 13.67, and we'll call it a night?

Why weren't you there as I told you?

With sentimental ease

Would you like to learn some new words?

Would you stay behind? I'd like a word with you.

Yeah, ya spent a lot Ya got lost in the jet stream

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. From the chairlift.

Yeah. He's so boss.

Yeah. It's from Ricky.

Yeah. When she dumped me, she dumped me for this real slimebag...

Yes, I love you

Yes, sir.

Yet has darkened our driveway, immobile, ever since.

Yet you never do it.

You are my friend. Good night.

You are really... bringing me over, man.

You borrowed $200 from me to purchase the car...

You can take that wherever you go...

You come and sit right down here.

You did.

You do have friends in France?

You do know the car of which I speak?

You do speak English, don't you?

You don't need words to speak the international language.

You fiend! Man, you're the hottest thing since sunburn!

You got my car running! You brought my car back from the dead.

You gotta be a real moron to try to ski that run, you know?

You gotta have pride and class in this business. Understand?

You know, Lane, there are better ways of getting attention.

You know... friend.

You know... love.

You like raisins.

You make a gnarly run like that...

You mean that kid from El Salvador?

You missed this time, you little menace!

You missed!

You really do go to the outer limits to make an impression.

You said you didn't like all the grease from fried bacon...

You see, it's got raisins in it.

You should not upset Mother...

You shouldn't make me worry.

You show 'em how a skier really skis.

You skate, I skate... we skate.

You stupid bonehead! I'm gonna activate your dental plan!

You tell me which is better... speaking no English at all...

You want a sandwich?

You wear it with pride. Put it on!

You were standing with Oscar.

You would be wise to do as Mother says, Myer.

You would die to get the attention of this woman?

You'll be sorry. Someday you'll want me back!

You're a great skier, but he's incredible.

You're a spastic Nerf bag all the time.

You're almost eight.

You're immature. You can't do a single thing by yourself.

You're mad about me, aren't you?

You're nothing but a little tramp, you know.

You're on.

You're that French kid staying with the dorkheads... Smiths next door.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me

You've been staring over that edge for hours.

Your book on how to pick up trashy women came today.

Your time will be gauged along with a rating...

92, 74, 16, 43!

"Screwed up"? Yeah. Very.

All right! Cool!

And... Please! Please!

Are you enjoying your stay... It's no good, Al.

Beat him? I can't beat him. Yes!

Buenos días. Roy Stalin. Hola. Lane Myer.

Can I borrow these a minute? What's the idea?

Can I talk to you for a moment? Yeah.

Charge it. Have a nice day.

Charles De Mar. Shut up, geek.

Cross my heart and hope to die. Do you?

Do you know what that means? I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Do you take checks? Sure.

Don't tell me your wish either. I won't.

Expecting love again You better...

Fat pig. What?

From the dead? Yeah.

God bless him. Mrs. Smith! No! Wait!

Have you met Monique? Hi.

He does? Yeah. Girls love that.

Him? And her? Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Honey, where's Lane? He just came in.

I don't know. Brothers. One speaks no English.

I gotta mold and pat. Wash your hands on your own time.

I know you're happy to be... Right.

I told her, Mom. I know.

I want my two dollars! Not now.

I was saying before... See you later, guys.

It's better than it used to be. Hey! Buenos días.

It's just our virginity. Yeah, I agree totally.

Johnny. Four weeks.

Lane Myer, the kid from Greendale. Here's a good example.

Language lessons. You gonna teach me French?

Let's make a wish. A wish?

Look, I'm sorry about the garage. Let me give you the bottom line.

Looks like Myer is not gonna show. Count me down.

Maybe we could get together and... You're a jerk.

Me! Me! And... Beth.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Myer, you don't know when to quit. Myer's on the hill!

Nice try. Get lost.

Now for the best part. What?

Now, get to work. Yes, sir.

Okay? Okay. All right.

On. On. Right...

Plus tip. I don't have a dime. Sorry.

Ready up there? Yeah. We're all set.

Really? You want a race, I'll take you on.

Roger. All right.

She doesn't speak English, Dad. Of course she does.

She don't speak a word. Wait a minute.

She might think it's... Usually Nazis.

She'd go out with me in a second. Listen, you forget.

So you're Al Myer's kid. Yes, I am.

The desire for victory. Well, I...

Then you will not tell? That you're a Dodgers fan?

There's something following them. What?

To me, and she's gone And she's gone

Two dollars! Go!

We'll beat that slope together. Yeah?

We'll set the synchros for ya. Ten four.

We'll take these guys! It's a close race.

Well, I guess this is it. Please hurry.

What are you doing with her? She's coming with me.

What did you wish for, Betty? Can't tell ya.

What do they want? They want a race.

What is it? I'll show you soon. Almost there.

What is that? It's bacon.

What was that? What was what?

What? What are you doing?

What's going on here? Nothing!

What's your name? Beth.

Where you goin'? I'm gonna go wash my hands.

Why don't you take up sax again? Number two?

Why is this? Isn't that kind of personal?

Will you get serious? Look, dude...

Yeah, I'm sure. From the K 12, champ.

Yeah. I just never... Let me refresh your memory.

You get hit by a truck? I was trying to ski the K 12.

You look pretty stupid to me. Thank you.

You understand? Yeah.

Your law partner's daughter? That's right.

'Cause I met you in first grade

"Fraunch" dressing.

"Fraunch" fries.

"I cannot do it" is your middle name.

"Myer. Lane Myer."

"Peru."

"Sick"? I love you. How could you dump me for him?

"You better shave..."

6:00. Right off.