Juno (2007) Edit

A 64 ounce blue Slushee in ten minutes.

A baby's not going to fix everything, besides I don't know

A couple CDs of this weird music.

A couple hours?!

A hotel?

A hundred things of tic tacs in my mailbox?

A legitimate lawyer

A more decisive palette.

A piece of furniture in your weird life.

A tough, tough thing to do.

A traditional closed adoption

About her friggin' boyfriend's pie balls.

Acting like a total a hole.

Actually, she's working late tonight.

Actually...

Ah...

Ah...

All babies

All babies want to get borned.

All babies want to get borned.

All babies want to get borned.

All babies want to...

All I see is pork swords.

All right, all right.

All right, go!

All right, I'm old enough to know when someone's

All right, people,

All right, we have to get you healthy.

All right? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

All right. Bye bye.

All that's missing is your bastard.

All...

Almost there.

Amanda, I told you to go

And a bottle of snow peak peach flavored Boone's.

And a selfless thing for us.

And an arm.

And and the Blair Witch Project was coming on Starz.

And and... what, 30, er, odd weeks,

And be really, really mad and not let you graduate

And despite the fact that your little girlfriend

And don't skip the hairy details.

And dove into the fountain at Ridgedale mall,

And give it to someone that, like, totally needs it.

And give it to you now, I totally would.

And Goth makeup...

And Greece and China apparently.

And hardcore.

And he plays the guitar.

And help out with the science fair...

And her whole house smells like soup.

And I already found the perfect couple.

And I am for shiz up the spout.

And I busted that thing right onstage. It cost me $800

And I didn't want him to get all worried about me.

And I didn't want to, like, marry you?

And I don't contribute.

And I don't feel like talking about it in my fragile state.

And I doubt that she gave you the stink eye.

And I got to go pronto.

And I haven't taken a dump since... Wednesday.

And I know people are supposed to fall in love

And I said I'd keep them updated, so I did.

And I think June bug was a dummy about it, Mac.

And I think we both ought to stick to what we know.

And I thought that it was going to take months, if at all,

And I was gonna go meet with them next weekend.

And I... it's just that I'm not ready to be a mom.

And I'm gonna punch that Bleeker kid in the wiener

And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, coyote ugly.

And I'm sorry I was such a huge bitch to you.

And if so, we should watch it.

And if you told me,

And if you're in love once, you can be in love again

And iguanas and used fitness equipment and stuff.

And it has fingernails!

And no red M&Ms... I hope you're ready.

And pay for that pee stick when you're done.

And rub all this nasty cocoa butter stuff on myself

And she just, like, ripped off her clothes

And she lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona

And she was like, "Oh, hi. Babies have fingernails."

And she was supposed to be, like, really beautiful, but really mean.

And shoot them out at sporting events.

And shove a baby out of your vag for someone else.

And stay with Vanessa?

And surrender any bombs.

And that they're going to Benihana

And that's why he got that look on his face.

And then but, "Oh, no, we should make out instead," la, la, la.

And then go to Vijay's parents' cabin,

And then he burnt me

And then prom and then Vijay's parents' cabin.

And then the friggin' receptionist

And then to the right and to the...

And then, out of nowhere, there it was...

And then, two weeks later, she's on that couch.

And there were these horrible magazines

And there's the feet.

And they have

And they were beautiful even in black and white.

And this, of course, is Juno.

And this... this married couple

And Vanessa's going to be so happy.

And was like, "Bligh, I'm a kraken from the sea!"

And watch lesser people scream.

And we got escorted off the premises.

And we're going to doughnut that flick

And what does it even matter if he's married?

And what happens if you crack the neck?

And you don't even have to be there

And you don't even have to try.

And you know, Paulie is actually great

And you were like, "I haven't seen this since it came out."

And you're acting shockingly cavalier.

And you're gonna have to, like... tell people

And you're not like everyone else.

And your chest is gonna milktate.

And your herb infused juices?

And, besides, they already have three kids.

And, I mean, we could...

And, uh, I don't have the best track record in the world,

And, uh, I mean, you can never have too many of your favorite

And, um, I'm proud to say, we're very happy.

And, you know, we should let it get a...

Anything but this.

Anyway, dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant,

Apparently. I'm due on May fourth.

Are going to go to Benihana and then go to the prom

Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?

Are you going to build a crib out of sticks and spit?

Are you having boy trouble?

Are you honestly and truly going to prom with Katrina De Voort?

Are you jealous?

Are you kidding?

Are you looking for any other type of compensation?

Argento? He's... he's all right.

As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss.

As he, or she, grows up.

As I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis.

As she can before the...

As soon as you you're old enough to go, it's so not cool anymore.

At least while my kid's in there.

At this point.

Aw, you... you can't waste those...

Back for another test?

Because at least you don't have to have

Because there was a lot of stuff on TV,

Because you're allergic to their saliva.

Before it gets worse.

Before they reproduce,

Behold, good sir, your future child.

Bleeker decided he didn't want to see the baby.

Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once,

Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once,

Boring.

Boy, I thought you were the kind of girl

Boy, you really...

Breath and push.

Breathe! Breathe!

Bren, use a dick!

But after Franklin, not Ted.

But he figured it out anyway.

But I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

But I kind of want it to be a surprise.

But I won't be home late.

But I'm going to stop wearing underpants.

But I'm guessing it looks, probably,

But if you go upstairs

But it's breakfast for supper.

But it's Mott The Hoople, so it's still totally rad...

But Keith's hot.

But Lewis is completely demented.

But now he's just your average H VAC specialist.

But now she looks like a hobbit.

But then you're gonna get, like, huge.

But you're old.

But, you know, boys have endured way worse things for nookie.

By a couple of baby starved wing nuts.

Can I take your coat or your hat?

Can I, uh...

Can we make out now?

Can you hear me, baby?

Can you just hold on for a second?

Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?

Can't wait to see what you've got to teach me.

Can't we just, like, kick this old school?

Charisma.

Chick drummer, freaky dude not unlike the White Stripes.

Come here.

Come on in.

Commercials.

Could do that, and let me tell you,

Could I use the facilities first?

Could... could I feel it?

Couldn't do it, Leah.

Cynthia Vogel. Great dance partner.

Dad, either I just peed my pants or, um...

Dad, I think I'm just gonna like... shove out for a sec,

Dad!

Damn skippy, you're not.

Dances are for nerds and squares.

Demanding dessert colored walls.

Did you by any chance barf in my urn?

Did you have a big lunch?

Did you hear that Bleek is going to prom with Katrina De Voort?

Did you hit someone with the Previa?

Did you say you had something to show me?

Did you say you had something to show me?

Did your wife send you up here to spy on me?

Didn't. It's a three way tie between

Different.

Do not call Mr. Connors Keith.

Do you have any bones that need collecting?

Do you know what I mean?

Does it feel like there's something between us?

Don't concentrate so hard.

Don't listen to him.

Don't mock me.

Don't think it's yours just 'cause you marked it

Don't you usually get all that stuff at like a baby shower?

Dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar.

Dude, I think it's best to just tell them.

Dude, I think it's best to just tell them.

Dude, I'm I'm just... I'm ill equipped.

Dude, she's, like, really pretty.

Dude, that thing is freaky looking.

Dude, what are you doing here?

Dude! You got to keep your voice down, okay?

Especially if you're adopting.

Even though it's all, like, 10,000 leagues under the sea.

Ever since then, it's been, like, a ticking clock.

Every guy wants to be a father,

Every time I see you.

Every Valentine's Day.

Everything else just sounds kind of like...

Ew, he's all beardy.

Exactly. Right?

Except for maybe mercy.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me... I am a sacred vessel,

Fall out! Fall out!

Fine. Call me when you learn how to love someone

Fingernails? Really?

Fingernails.

First things first.

For being so selfless.

For three pregnancy tests?

For Worth's class yet?

For you, Juno, and in a couple years, when you move out,

For your nails, so that's a plus.

Franklin... he was the hot one with the polio?

From one lawn to the other or the one where I downed

From visiting my brother in Mankato.

Gave me the stink eye in art class yesterday...

Geez, Bleek.

Gerta Rauss.

Get a little... get a little cuter.

Get a whiff of those sparklin' top notes.

Girls who, like, play the cello and read McSweeney's

Girls with horn rimmed glasses, and vegan footwear,

Give it up for adoption.

Give me the tape.

Go, Carol.

God appreciates your miracle!

God, Bren, when do I get the friggin' spinal tap thing?!

God, spermie, must you always feed?

God, that little pink plus sign is so unholy.

God, that little pink plus sign is so unholy.

God, that's cool.

God, trust me, you don't.

Good mood, bad mood...

Good, Amanda, I'll be sure to do that.

Good. Call me when you get off the rag.

Got it all planned.

Got mutant sperms; knocked you up twice.

Great.

Great. Everything's stupendous, you know.

Grow up.

Guy just doesn't look right to me.

Handsome, what have you.

Have found true love with each other." Aw.

Have the thing, squeeze it on out and hand it over?

Have you considered that?

Have you ever been to a dance before?

Have you ever felt like you were just born to do something?

Have you found a place to stay yet?

Have you guys thought of any names for the baby yet?

Have you seen the ads for the Titanium Power men's deodorant?

He and my mom got divorced when I was, like, five

He didn't feel like ours.

He had a big meet against Manteno

He is the cheese to my macaroni.

He likes old horror movies

He looks proud.

He shouldn't toy with her emotions like that,

He told me that Katrina's house smells like soup.

He was totally cool with it.

He's going to get there.

He's just being a guy.

He's just got cold feet.

He's the ultimate master of horror.

Heating and air conditioning.

Hello?

Help us complete the circle of love."

Her hands...

Here you go, sir.

Here.

Here's to dovetailing interests.

Hey, big puffy version of June bug.

Hey, Bleek.

Hey, could we give my kid the damn spinal tap already?!

Hey, Dad.

Hey, did you put, like,

Hey, don't forget your bag.

Hey, I'm here for the big show.

Hey, June bug, you know, when this is all over

Hey, Juno.

Hey, look at that.

Hey, man.

Hey, man.

Hey, Paul, are you coming downstairs to eat?

Hey, Su Chin.

Hey, Vijay. How's it going?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, yeah, um,

Hey, you know,

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hi, baby.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Mark Loring. I'm the husband.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

His mouth tasted really tangy and delicious.

His name is Mark and, um...

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hold on. What's the matter?

Hon, did you get expelled?

Honestly, who do they think they're fooling?

Honey, had you considered

Honey...

Hot.

How about this one?

How about you, Mark? Are you, uh...

How are you?

How did you even generate enough pee

How do I look?

How do you know that I'm so poisonous, you know?

How do you think of me?

How many months has it been now?

How pregnancy, it can often lead to an infant.

How sure would you say you are?

How to feel about the situation

How you doing?

Huh?

Huh. Oh, God.

I I want things to be perfect.

I actually have something for you. Come here.

I already told you, nothing happened.

I am definitely making you some CDs,

I am not ready to be a Pop Pop.

I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks!

I called Gerta Rouse and she said that

I can have friends that are married.

I can just totally picture you dancing

I can think of so many cooler things to do that night.

I can't believe what an idiot I am.

I can't feel anything.

I can't stand in front of the microwave,

I can't wait to meet you.

I can't.

I danced to this at my senior prom.

I decided not to call Bleeker

I didn't do anything.

I didn't even know you were sexually active.

I didn't think he had it in him.

I disagree.

I do.

I don't know, maybe I should I should paint a larger swatch

I don't know.

I don't know. I drank, like, ten tons of SunnyD.

I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.

I don't like Katrina.

I don't really know too much about it.

I don't really know what kind of girl I am.

I don't think people know...

I don't want them to be shitty and broken

I don't want you to get ripped off

I doubt anyone's going to throw us a shower.

I ended up staying for a couple hours.

I even saw its phalanges today.

I felt him!

I flagged the daddy chapters. They're...

I found it in Japan when I was there with my band.

I got 'em! You got Liberty Bell?!

I got it. I got it.

I guess Bleeker went live that night we did it, I guess,

I guess do whatever you think you should do, you know?

I have a son.

I have heartburn that is radiating my kneecaps,

I have no choice.

I have Pellegrino or vitamin water or...

I have sacrificed a lot

I have to actually wear a frickin' bra now

I have to wait for it to get worse?

I heard he asked her.

I heard that was you.

I I need an abortion.

I just drove to St. Cloud to show Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound.

I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here.

I just want someone a little more edgier.

I just want the baby to be with people who are gonna love it

I just wanted to call and say hi.

I just, like, I don't want to give the baby

I just... I need to know that it's possible

I just... I want...

I know enough.

I know it wasn't, like, your idea.

I know we're prepared.

I know, but...

I know, right?

I know.

I know.

I know.

I love it!

I love Woody Allen.

I mean, despite the fact that well, I'm in a fat suit

I mean, gunk,

I mean, have you ever smelled her?

I mean, I drink tons of booze,

I mean, I I'm in high school.

I mean, I miss like... just hanging out with you

I mean, maybe LB did it.

I mean, once Tino gets the new drumhead,

I mean, that must be, like, a bitch to...

I mean, the sex,

I mean, they wouldn't even be holding hands.

I mean, what would the Melvins say?

I mean, you know, I got stuff in boxes.

I mean, you know, you broke my heart.

I mean... you guys are supposed to take care of this, you know?

I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian Church.

I need you to fill these out, both sides,

I never realize how much I like being home

I never said I'd be a good father.

I put my hands down here.

I see them all the time in the PennySaver.

I should be really cheesed off.

I still... I have your virginity.

I swiped it from Miss Ransick's lawn.

I think he was always hers.

I think I can smell your hair a burnin'.

I think I'm in love with you.

I think it looks like my friend Paulie.

I think it's 'cause my heart starts pounding

I think it's too early to paint.

I think kids get bored and they have intercourse.

I think pregnancy's beautiful.

I think that's a great idea.

I think the first one was defective.

I think we should be cool, you know?

I think you definitely bring something to the table.

I think you're beautiful.

I thought you said you didn't care what he did.

I tried to work on it a little last night,

I tried to work on it a little last night,

I try really hard, actually.

I want a parakeet.

I want to be a mommy so badly.

I was born to be a mother.

I was gonna go to Gettysburg with Bleeker anyway.

I was just shopping, you know, with my girlfriends, and...

I was there, like, four years ago for a birthday party.

I was thinking I could, like, have this baby

I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud

I was thinking more like... graphic designer, mid 30s,

I wish my fun bags would get bigger.

I work mostly from home. I'm a composer.

I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.

I, uh, I think I'm pretty much set

I... But maybe I could, you know, drop by later.

I... I have something really cool to show you guys.

I... I just like being

I... I should be royally ticked off at you, you know.

I... I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.

I'll be right back.

I'll have a little trip down Mexico way.

I'll have a Maker's Mark, please. Up.

I'll just, like, ruin everything.

I'll make a note of it.

I'll save you a seat.

I'll see you at school, all right?

I'll sit down.

I'll tell her.

I'm a junior.

I'm a planet.

I'm a suicide risk.

I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

I'm giving you and Vanessa the gift of life...

I'm glad you're here.

I'm going to get Weimaraners.

I'm going to say I'm about 104% sure.

I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.

I'm gonna say it's been about, um...

I'm gonna start looking like a pretty big dork soon.

I'm gonna...

I'm in a great mood.

I'm just allergic to fine home furnishings.

I'm just having a ginseng cooler.

I'm just saying that this is...

I'm just wondering if...

I'm just, like, losing my faith with humanity.

I'm leaving Vanessa.

I'm never going to be a mother.

I'm not crying,

I'm not... I'm not asking for anything.

I'm off pills.

I'm on my hamburger phone.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I'm ready.

I'm really good at defusing mom type rage.

I'm really good at defusing mom type rage.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm staying pregnant, Leah.

I'm supposed to be running.

I'm supposed to come get you at 4:00.

I'm thinking if this is the right thing.

I'm thinking more custard.

I'm Vanessa. You must be Juno.

I'm your...

I'm, I'm sure you two will have, like, a real bitchin' time.

I've actually heard that

I've been listening to that

I've been thinking.

I've been thinking...

I've been with your stepmother for ten years now,

I've ever seen.

I've taken, like, three pregnancy tests,

If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain,

If I'm even ready to be a father.

If you have any questions, call me at my office.

In chair.

In like St. Cloud, they're... they're going to be the parents.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person

In the event of my expulsion.

In the front of my jeans.

In this garbage dump of a situation.

In this real tight band when I lived in Chicago, and this

In your whole house for your... for your stuff?

Incidentally, they do incredible things

Instead of cheat at your brother's college

Into, like, the perfect cheerleaders, you know?

Is he also bald and amorphous?

Is she all right?

Is something wrong with the baby?

Is that a Les Paul?

Is that a Les Paul?

Is the best flavor of Boone's.

Is this a pregnant superhero?

Is this for real? Like, for real for real?

Is trying to get me to take these condoms

Is Vanessa here?

Is Vanessa here?

Is Vanessa, like, mad at you because of me or something?

Is your nipples real brown?

Isn't that great?

Isn't that right, Bleek?

Isn't that what you girls call it... skanky?

Isn't that, like, a little... gay?

It can feel pain.

It does?

It doesn't work that way, kiddo.

It ended with a chair.

It means they'd send annual updates, photos,

It reminds me of you.

It smelled like a dentist's office in there.

It was crazy actually.

It'd be pretty easy

It's a Pilates machine.

It's a wise choice.

It's all the rage right now, supposedly.

It's amazing that there's actually saps

It's an option.

It's beautiful.

It's called "nesting."

It's called a "collaborative divorce."

It's called a spinal block,

It's crazy, but I'm a legend, you know.

It's for exercising.

It's for me.

It's just noise.

It's just noise.

It's just some stuff I picked up for the baby.

It's just, I know Bleek doesn't like Katrina, you know.

It's like never ending, pretty much, you know.

It's me.

It's me.

It's not moving for me.

It's okay, you know... it's okay.

It's probably got something to do

It's probably just a food baby.

It's probably tougher than you can understand right now.

It's really complicated, okay?

It's really easy to tell.

It's the right size and everything.

It's your favorite, Paul.

It's, like, critically important.

It's, uh, Vanessa, right? Is that...

It's... it's Paulie Bleeker.

It's... it's, like, totally legit.

It's... no, it's actually,

Jocks like him always want freaky girls...

June bug, that is

Junk, huh?

Juno MacGuff called while you were out running today.

Juno MacGuff.

Juno wanted a little closer look at Kimber.

Juno was nice enough to bring that over for us today.

Juno,

Juno, I'm coming with you to meet this... adoption couple.

Juno, you can't just drop in on them like that.

Juno, you're totally not even listening to me.

Juno!

Juno?

Juno? What's going on?

Juno. Wow! I didn't expect to see you here.

Just 'cause they help out women now.

Just a little hormonal.

Just because you had four Smirnoff Ices

Just came up to get something.

Just do not divorce your wife.

Just listen.

Just look these over.

Just one of her many genetic gifts.

Just tell it to me straight, Bren.

Just to get it fixed.

Just with this light.

Just wondering if it's...

Just wondering if we're ready.

Just, um...

Katrina?!

Katrina's not my girlfriend, all right?

Keep it in the oven.

Keep us updated on any doctor's appointments

Keith's been grading me, like, so hard lately.

Kicking... kicking away.

Kind of looks like it's waving, you know.

Kudos.

Legal counsel?

Let Juno know how the baby is doing.

Let's talk about how we're gonna do this thing.

Liberty Bell, if you put

Like a new mom.

Like a sea monkey right now,

Like a total dork.

Like Diana Ross.

Like free iPods.

Like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.

Like I'd marry you? You'd be the meanest wife ever,

Like in the good old days, when it was quick and dirty.

Like it's saying...

Like Johann Brahms or...?

Like Leah, who, incidentally, is into teachers.

Like my friend, Leah, who's been with the same guy,

Like the baby's going to come storming in here

Like the city in Alaska.

Like this ever since I got back

Like what?

Like what? Be a rock star?

Like you're the one who has to get huge

Like, four different times.

Like, it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.

Like, what if these adoptive parents

Like, you know what, Bleek? I might pumice my feet.

Like... Would you say you're 80% sure,

Listen, Brenda...

Listen, I talked

Look, I just drank my weight in SunnyD

Look, I'll have the baby,

Look...

Looking forward to being a dad?

Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door,

Mac. Come on.

Madison?

Magnificent.

Mall madness, huh?

Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption.

Mark is a married man.

Maybe Gerta could take us through

Maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know,

Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid

Me and some guys are going to go to the movies after school,

Me neither.

Me, too!

Mind you, that's just, like, a guesstimation.

Mine, too.

Minus or plus?

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Mm. "Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple

Mmm! Uh huh. Mmm hmm.

Mmm. Betcha.

Morning.

Most Fruitful Yuki.

Mr. MacGuff, hi.

Must be, like, a pity date or something.

Must have looked at your face.

My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.

My dad used to be in the army,

My girlfriends tell me

My mom is inside.

My mom uses colorsafe bleach.

My stepmom verbally abused the ultrasound tech

My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy, you know?

Nah. I mean, I'm already pregnant,

Neither did I really.

Nesting?

Next time I see him.

Next to the exotic birds.

Nice legs.

Nice to meet you both.

No matter what kind of pickle you're in.

No shit?

No, I can call myself.

No, I don't want to, you know, sell the thing.

No, I don't, I mean,

No, I don't, Juno.

No, I heard you.

No, I mean, in your pregnancy.

No, I'll handle this.

No, I'll handle this.

No, I'm... I'm off sex right now.

No, it... it was not a big deal.

No, it's Morgan Freeman.

No, it's not a hotel, it's a loft.

No, it's not.

No, Josh, because I don't take orders,

No, no, Juno...

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.