Trainwreck (2015) Edit

A black guy your whole life.

A bunch of web stuff because you're younger.

A little Texan with huge hair and big tits.

A little warm up. I know. Yeah, a little warm up.

A real doctor tries to cure diseases.

A side of her I've never seen before.

Aaron Conners.

Aaron is fearing engulfment and intimacy.

Aaron is playing the blame game.

Aaron was telling me about this acupuncturist.

Aaron, do you want a family?

Aaron, you have to take a risk. You have to. Yeah, you're right.

Aaron!

Aaron?

Aaron.

Aaron. Goodbye, LeBron.

Aaron's been kind of pushing me to think bigger.

Aaron's gonna be around much anymore.

About having them as soon as possible.

About the kids Michael Jackson gave settlements to.

Actually, Aaron, I think you're so great,

Actually, could we put this pillow in between us?

Actually, he's looking for you.

Actually, it's a really bad time. Is there any chance...

After 7:00...

After dinner,

Again!

Ah!

Ah! I feel like a pincushion.

Ah! You're moving your arm.

Ah.

Alaska.

Alex Rodriguez.

All right, buddy.

All right, bye. Good night.

All right, fine. All right.

All right, good night.

All right, goodbye.

All right, I'll talk to you then.

All right, this is great.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Got it.

All right. Sorry, I'm listening.

All right. Thank you.

All right. That's nice.

All right. Wait a minute. No, wait, wait. Wait, Aaron.

All right. Yes. Just sexy stuff.

All right. You know what, Amy?

All these guys in your phone.

Allister?

Allister. What about him?

Allister. What's that?

Almost feminine looking Johnny Depp.

Almost ready?

Although, I can turn down the position

Am I not communicating this right?

Am I not doing that right? No!

Am I? Because I think you owe me an explanation for this.

Amar'e. What's up, Doc?

Amare didn't feel comfortable with me performing it

Amare Stoudemire is checking in.

Amare Stoudemire.

Amare, you're nervous. Everyone gets nervous.

Amare! Watch your head.

Amare. Hey, buddy.

Amy fucked Donald.

Amy Townsend.

Amy was acting like a psycho last night.

Amy, breathe. It's fine. He's great.

Amy, come on, you said he's the kind of kid

Amy, don't forget to hydrate, babe.

Amy, don't leave like this.

Amy, don't touch it.

Amy, he's great.

Amy, how could you not get that?

Amy, I am not a crazy person

Amy, I really, really needed you out there.

Amy, it's Dianna. Hi, Dianna.

Amy, no. It's not something I do well.

Amy, seriously, my turn.

Amy, that's not what I'm saying.

Amy, that's not what I'm saying.

Amy, what did I miss?

Amy, what's up?

Amy, you are the best.

Amy, you gotta have a lot of them.

Amy, you really don't need to do that.

Amy, you're always fucked up.

Amy! What?

Amy?

Amy?

Amy?

Amy?

Amy? Things are going awesome, man.

Amy? Things are going awesome, man.

Amy.

Amy.

Amy.

Amy.

Amy. Look at me.

Amy's not like that at all. She's awesome.

And "Are you Gay or is She Just Boring?"

And all the celestial objects

And all the guys are talking about it and I'm left out.

And anyone who likes them

And beat the shit out of Brandon's dad,

And beating them up.

And Brandon.

And do the rehabilitation.

And empty the trash.

And from now on, we need to just keep it professional.

And got pregnant with a child.

And has a small intellect.

And he comes up with the ball.

And he does a lot with Doctors Without Borders.

And he just created this revolutionary

And he maybe was just borrowing it,

And he needs you to kind of man up with the other doll.

And he will respond much better

And he writes a book about you

And his grandpa,

And homophobic.

And I do care that you slept with a lot of guys.

And I have to confess, I spoke too soon.

And I haven't even explained to them what gay people are.

And I just kind of need this interaction to be over.

And I told him about this immune suppressant...

And I was just thinking, maybe...

And I would get, like, a sick haircut.

And I'd do it again.

And I'll develop a CrossFit program and patent it.

And I'll rule the CrossFit world.

And I'm broken.

And I'm so excited to see if they figure it out or not.

And I'm sort of seeing someone.

And if I feel you move or sweat or breathe,

And if you play with the other dolls,

And it doesn't go away.

And it is a standing ovation.

And it's a family that I'm very, very happy to be a part of.

And it's us making it!

And just got it out of there.

And just make yourself something to drink.

And make it big or small or whatever.

And my friends and family are awesome,

And my mom is a college professor.

And my sister and I just had to put him

And my step grandkid, I guess.

And not be afraid to fail.

And not like a cute, "Oh! It's the last day."

And not make noise.

And of course I'm gonna have some ups and downs,

And other athletes.

And put myself out there, you know?

And put whatever you want in it,

And she was very cute.

And she...

And so I googled what do I do, right?

And sometimes there could be you know multiple universes

And that is a black waiter pouring your water.

And that only lasted 5 weeks.

And that you drink a lot,

And that's kind of the best.

And that's what you like?

And that's why he got sick,

And the stuff up front is trash.

And the way they look at medicine,

And then I got really high and tripped on my bong.

And then I started reading it and I thought it was...

And then just kind of beared down,

And then just some Chipotle,

And then maybe like a "Where are they now?" piece

And then she does, and I'm like,

And then she drank a lot, but she barely got...

And then try again?

And then...

And there he is!

And there he is. Look at him standing there,

And there's a tampon in there?

And there's food in the kitchen over here.

And these are my thoughts.

And they make people happy.

And they're making new dolls every year.

And this is gonna be great.

And two scones. They were, like, super small.

And we couldn't find the condom.

And we go in and help people.

And we should start dating.

And we should've put him in a shithole.

And we wound up winning the Championship, twice.

And we'll talk about it, and we'll work through it.

And welcome to sold out Madison Square Garden

And when I did that, I noticed you have

And when I tried to help him, he called me a witch.

And you are really not helpful, Marv. Really not helpful!

And you do know I'm looking for a new

And you know what? It was wonderful.

And you know what? It's fine.

And you were holding on to that box. Mmm hmm.

And you would think it was like the Waldorf. It's so expensive.

And you're gonna have to pay for it.

And, remember, don't eat anything after midnight.

Anything can happen. Right.

Anyway, nice news. I know you're close with Nikki.

Anyway, we're here today to talk about our esteemed recipient.

Are teaming up against me again.

Are these Nike slogans? Please just...

Are these real names?

Are we gonna do this again?

Are we still talking about this?

Are working and moving,

Are you all right? You're hyperventilating.

Are you comfortable? No. No, I'm not.

Are you high?

Are you in pain, Dad? No.

Are you just kind of like...

Are you okay, Doc?

Are you serious right now?

Are you serious?

Are you serious? There's a popping sound,

Are you seriously saying that to me today?

Are you sure you're okay, Doc?

Are you sure you're okay?

Are you there?

Are you there?

As it turns out, l am in terrible physical shape.

As they tip off another season

At some point in their lives.

At some point.

Auschwitz.

Awesome.

Awesome.

Babe Ruth was a superhero. He was Superman!

Babe, your threats, I'm telling you, they're super gay.

Bad timing.

Basically, we go to places with the most conflict,

Beautiful play! That gets the crowd going.

Because as I was turning off your phone,

Because Dianna called.

Because I actually didn't follow sports until I got this job.

Because I ain't got a ticket.

Because I am not even close to done. Okay.

Because I don't need to talk to you anymore,

Because I got married,

Because I gotta get to work, and you gotta go be foine as hell.

Because I mean it! I love you! I'm crazy about you!

Because I was too tired,

Because I'm a light sleeper,

Because I'm not gonna go to practice in the morning,

Because if you don't try, then you can't fail.

Because of the pecs,

Because the interview is over.

Because there's a lot of other dolls on your shelves.

Because they did so much great stuff, but...

Because you're on antibiotics or something?

Because you've always dated dummies

Because your article got canceled.

Before 1947, it's one big asterisk. Norman!

Before you give him the boot, right?

Before you go, can you take a look at my hip?

Best friends with your main doll?

Best sex that you've ever had guy is in jail.

Best sex that you've ever had guy is in jail.

Best way to grieve...

Billy Joel. Uptown Girl.

Black people? ...injuries.

Blah, blah, blah!

Blam! That's me right here.

Blooms.

Blow it out like you're blowing out a birthday candle.

Breathe up towards the sky and not at me.

Broderick, cutting deep with his insights.

Bryson, I've got a red mark by your name.

Bryson? Okay, I got one.

But "pecker" is kind of like my dick.

But also, guess what? Willy Wonka, bring it on.

But he's got a chip on his shoulder, a real edge.

But I appreciate the thought.

But I don't think so.

But I feel fine.

But I really needed you in there.

But I think he's hoarding his pain medication.

But I think I'm doing okay.

But I'm a writer.

But I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my job right now.

But I'm just like...

But I'm talking about your kid.

But I've been thinking about maybe reaching out to him.

But it doesn't matter!

But it's a new theory,

But it's just because I don't think that I can have that.

But let me explain it from my side,

But not the combo.

But our dad went over there

But people don't know how to describe that yet,

But raise your hand if he was one of your favorite people.

But really, it's just to show how great you are.

But she didn't get drunk at all.

But she's got some issues, you know?

But she's like a fucking demon.

But that stuff runs through you.

But that's why I need to stop and then say,

But they did. They welcomed me back

But they still look amazing.

But this is it for us.

But what if I told you

But when you do, you feel comfortable with Dr. Conners.

But you do it because your friend's playing with that doll.

But you don't just bail out at the first sign of trouble.

But you know what? I don't think

But you're breathing on me pretty hard right now.

But, again, I appreciate the thought.

But, for some reason, you went down.

By the time I'm 40 at least, right?

Bye, LeBron. Thanks, buddy.

Bye.

Can he pull up?

Can I just do this, please?

Can I read some of it?

Can I say something?

Can I take a look at it, please?

Can it not be about protein

Can probably beat Babe Ruth.

Can we have one second?

Can we just watch this movie?

Can we mix it up a little bit?

Can we please talk about this tomorrow? I'm too fucked up.

Can we try something else?

Can you come over?

Can you get out, you guys? Go, please.

Can you get this off?

Can you go? You want to line up the winners you fucked?

Can you handle their load, Amy?

Can you just be nice and make friends?

Can you just keep a low profile for like 2 weeks, here?

Can you just pretend to like him?

Can you just talk about sex stuff?

Can you name 9 major league teams

Can you put it down? So I can...

Can you sit, please?

Can you tell the members of Heaven's Gate in there to relax?

Can you validate my parking, please?

Can't spell "victory" without "T R Y."

Check! Oh, my God!

Check? No!

Check.

Cheryl about when we can meet again. Yeah.

Cheryl, can you validate my parking, please?

Child's play. The Jazz. Utah Jazz.

Chris Evert hitting on Aaron hard.

Chris Paul. CP3.

Clayton Kershaw.

Clear your mind and say whatever pops in it, okay?

Cleveland, Ohio?

Come back over here. I love you on Glee.

Come here.

Come here.

Come on in the party. There's drinks on the deck,

Come on, it's nice. You look really nice. I'm serious.

Come on, man. Sit down.

Come on, that's more like Tom's kid.

Come on! Not cool, girl!

Come on.

Come on. Come on!

Come on. Don't say "fuck this."

Come on. I wasn't a bad father.

Condoms?

Congrats on trapping my sister with your seed.

Congrats. That's so cool.

Congratulations.

Cool, that's really nice.

Cool.

Cool. It's like... You look like Bruce Willis.

Could we get the bill, please?

Cradle my bonch!

Crowd fund this. Come on, help me out.

Dad died.

Dad was such a dick.

Dad, just shut up.

Dad, let him do it.

Dad, you love Allister.

Dallas suck!

Dark side of all their moons.

Debbie didn't even tell you where she lived.

Did I get it?

Did I just score on you?

Did I leave my sunglasses here?

Did I miss anything?

Did it go in?

Did it go Tom Brady good?

Did you get the basket?

Did you guys make love?

Did you hear Johnny Depp is coming into the office today?

Did you hear what he said?

Did you just drive 40 minutes back here

Did you know Superman was created in Cleveland?

Did you let me do that?

Did you see the pictures? We did a photo shoot.

Distracting me like I'm a young girl

Do I have to worry about you with other guys?

Do I look like I work for MTA?

Do not grieve? No.

Do we have his number? Is this us?

Do we need a... Right, tables.

Do you always use a tape recorder?

Do you follow sports?

Do you guys follow tennis?

Do you have a problem with black people?

Do you have black friends?

Do you have to pee? Yeah, totally.

Do you hear his name

Do you know Cleveland's great for the whole family?

Do you know how many homeless people

Do you know who that was?

Do you like me? Yeah.

Do you like the magazine, Donald?

Do you mind if I grab you just for a minute? To go over some things.

Do you mind taking a look at my ankle?

Do you own this place? Are you renting it?

Do you see his face?

Do you wanna get some raviolis?

Do you wanna maybe go grab some dinner?

Do you want me to go home?

Do you want me to just go into my gown closet?

Do you want to go get a drink?

Do you want to just announce it to everybody?

Doc, this is the wrong knee.

Does he have one for every one of our teachers?

Does it feel a little like I am?

Don't cry. I know you're upset, I know you're confused.

Don't cry. I know you're upset, I know you're confused.

Don't do it.

Don't do the symbol and yell.

Don't do the symbol and yell.

Don't do...

Don't follow me. Amy!

Don't hurt him.

Don't lean forward like that when you run.

Don't look like I'm crazy.

Don't move! Don't move at all! Anything!

Don't push me away today.

Don't say that.

Don't say that. That's disgust...

Don't sulk at me. I'm not sulking.

Don't talk to me for 2 weeks.

Don't try and spin this as a way

Don't you want me to be happy? I mean...

Don't.

Dr. Conners, welcome.

Dr. Conners?

Dr. Conners.

Dude, are you trying to split the bill?

Easy to be a Superman when you never played against

Endless black friends.

Enjoy the day. You've earned it.

Enough for a basketball team.

Especially my dad's house isn't selling

Even my dad likes him. My dad doesn't like anyone.

Even though that doll doesn't really

Evert is still at it and, frankly,

Every 12 year old kid in the Dominican Republic right now

Every fucking one.

Everybody flipped out when you came out here.

Everybody wants to fight the big guy. Yeah, you are.

Everybody's left a dog in a hot car

Everyone has a boner for young people on the Internet, okay?

Everyone here. Right?

Everyone knows?

Ew!

Ew!

Ew!

Exactly.

Excuse me?

Executive editor, don't you?

Fantastic! I can see it. Thank you.

Feel me.

Feels good. Feels great.

Fine. You wanna talk about it?

For a magazine.

For fuck's sake!

For missing a volleyball game

For sure.

For the first time right now?

For we don't even know what.

For what?

Forget I said anything. Forget I said anything.

Forget it.

Forget that.

Forget this whole part of the argument, okay?

Foul!

Foul? Yeah, man, you hit me.

From pandemics, to war torn regions,

Fuck him.

Fuck that guy!

Fuck you, Amy. You are not nice.

Fuck you! Fuck you, Schultz!

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck, Amy! "Exclusive"? It's not high school.

Fuck, Amy! Do I have to worry about you with other guys?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fucking each other with Viagra day and night, God forbid.

Fudge ripple ice cream!

Get a nice jog going, there. That's good.

Get out of here!

Gets invaded by evil spirits.

Getting her ears pierced? Go ahead.

Getting married,

Girl!

Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced.

Go. I'll go.

God damn it!

God damn it!

God. They look like they're on a speed date.

Good for you.

Good to see you, Arnold.

Good. Ooh...

Good. Yeah?

Gordon David Townsend.

Grab them, feel them.

Great job, sweetpea!

Great to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Great.

Great.

Grown men wearing jerseys with another man's name on it.

Ha ha.

Had, like, one red velvet yogurt.

Hamburg?

Hang up. He's obviously sick or something.

Have a drink with me.

Have him call you Stepmother.

Have taken a dump on that rock?

Have you ever fucked someone before?

Have you ever seen any kind of article about a fetish

Have you just been watching TV and smoking pot all day?

Have you seen his wife, Gisele?

Having a family is fun.

Having sex with someone underage

He always made me feel loved and important.

He called me on purpose.

He calls you Mother? That's not creepy.

He didn't fuck all our teachers.

He doesn't know his birthday.

He fucked all of my teachers.

He had made signs with my name on them.

He has fallen.

He has night terrors.

He is 16 years old!

He is great, but it is like fucking an ice sculpture.

He is on fire.

He looks kind of like a white Drake. No.

He loved her a lot. But...

He once apologized to me

He punched me in the face and knocked out

He said to meet him out on court.

He says around 8, but the dentist said he was 12 at least.

He stole my bike.

He taught me this workout to get me a beach bod.

He thought Mother Teresa was full of shit.

He wants to fuck you.

He wants to have kids. Amy.

He wants you.

He was a drunk.

He was a drunk.

He was an asshole.

He was hoarding his medication and his heart gave out.

He was just a full blown alcoholic.

He was kind of racist,

He was like a Puerto Rican Gollum.

He was my favorite person.

He was on a lot of anesthesia. He fell.

He was really sick for a really long time.

He works with some of the Knicks.

He's a doctor. He knows something.

He's a good doctor,

He's a great guy.

He's a reaction from the muscle bound Knucklehead,

He's a sports doctor. He's not a real doctor, let's face it.

He's a very strong presence in our house.

He's about to perform it on Amare Stoudemire.

He's also changing the world. And he's helping everybody.

He's doing the To Catch a Predator look.

He's gonna break your heart.

He's great. It's normal.

He's hot, right?

He's LeBron James. He's kind of "the" basketball player.

He's my best friend.

He's not just changing professional athletes

He's supposed to be a sports guy.

He's supposed to ring his call button

He's the perfect amount of nice that you deserve.

He's this incredible, young sports physician on the rise,

He's trying to get court side seats for the playoffs.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hi.

Her name was Jennifer Jennifer?

Her name was Jennifer Jennifer.

Here we go.

Here's my bedroom, here's the baby's room.

Hey, Aaron, this is LeBron. I'm at the gym, man.

Hey, Amare.

Hey, Amy tells me that you're a Mets fan. Is that right?

Hey, Amy. How are you?

Hey, baby.

Hey, buddy, how you doing? Good.

Hey, check your Twitter, I might direct message you.

Hey, congrats. Nice.

Hey, Dianna, we just, um...

Hey, do what you gotta do.

Hey, Doc.

Hey, Dr. Conners.

Hey, guys, I'm Amy. Don't judge me, fuckers!

Hey, hey, hey. You don't gotta rush off.

Hey, it's a luncheon.

Hey, LeBron. Hey.

Hey, look who's here!

Hey, Mark Wahlberg, shut your bitch up.

Hey, Mother, look, we got a croquet set!

Hey, no problem.

Hey, Noam.

Hey, Noam.

Hey, so Saturday...

Hey, so when do you think I'm gonna see you again?

Hey, the good stuff.

Hey, today was really fun.

Hey, you can say whatever you want, baby, but hips don't lie.

Hey, you like that, right?

Hey! Amy, where are you going?

Hey! Hey.

Hey! Last call for alcohol!

Hey! Looking sharp.

Hey! Water aerobics. You coming?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey

Hey. I was just coming in to watch you.

Hey. Where have you been?

Hi, everybody. I'm Marv Albert

Hi, I'm Dr. Conners.

Hi! Hi, ladies.

Hi. Hey, I'm Aaron.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

His response was

Hit me hard.

Hit me like this!

Hit me! I'm hitting you!

Hit me! I'm hitting you!

Hit me.

Hit you?

Hmm? And, Amy, if you would teach this about this.

Hmm. I'd love to be considered.

Hold on, hold on.

Holy shit.

Honestly?

Honey! Honey! No! No!

How about a piece of pizza?

How about a reach around? No, it's okay.

How are you feeling? How's the knee feeling?

How are you?

How can you negate facts?

How did no one mug us that day? Look at his hat.

How do you stop? Can you make sure this thing stops?

How does this work?

How long is this?

How many girls have you slept with?

How many guys?

How many?

How not to get caught

How to dress, think, eat, fuck.

How to get along with essentially a stranger who refuses to learn English.

How to get caught.

How to talk your girlfriend into a three way.

How would you feel?

How you doing, man? You doing good?

How you feeling about Amare's surgery tomorrow?

How you feeling, buddy? Good.

How'd it go?

How'd we do?

How's it going, sweetheart?

How's it going? Amy, what's happening?

How's work?

Hurry up! Just sit tight, I'll be right over.

I already started the research, you guys.

I am fine. I am in control.

I am nice to him. He's not nice to me.

I am pitching Dr. Aaron Conners.

I am pretending.

I am sweating more than I am proud of. Yeah.

I basically had, like, Lay's potato chips.

I bet he personally offended

I bet you're not the easiest person

I can do sexy though. Sorry?

I can handle all their loads. That's it.

I can see that.

I can sleep at home.

I can't believe he's gone.

I can't breathe in this.

I can't. I'm not supposed to drink before...

I cannot believe that you guys

I care for him, I fear for him.

I could just eat you up. You know?

I could just say I'd see ya... Till Saturday.

I did everything.

I did high school theater.

I did not apologize.

I did not choke, Marv.

I did.

I didn't even think you liked me very much.

I didn't fuck Donald. I tried... Amy...

I didn't get to hear the whole conversation, though.

I didn't know if I should let you sleep or not.

I didn't mean anything. I know nothing about fashion.

I didn't see that movie.

I didn't see this for you.

I didn't think you were gonna, like, follow up so quick about hanging out,

I do know that, and I'm very, very interested.

I don't care!

I don't care!

I don't drink. I got hammered.

I don't even live in Cleveland.

I don't feel any pressure at all, you know?

I don't feel like that applies to me.

I don't get the joke angle.

I don't give consent. Here we go.

I don't go to the movies with them.

I don't have a good angle.

I don't know anyone that talks about that.

I don't know anything about sports.

I don't know how I'm gonna follow these. They were so good.

I don't know how nice it is, actually.

I don't know what I did.