Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) Edit

A bet's a bet.

A bunch of guys just piling up

A classy one.

A little school spirit this time, huh?

A lot of dudes are doing it. It's progressive.

About me sucking cocks and dicks,

About not changing one little thing?

Actually, it would say that in the asshole handbook

Actually, she did stab me in the eye with a fork.

Adam sucks cocks 'n' dicks.

Adam, hey. You're back. Awesome.

Adam, okay. It's not you, it's me.

Adam, right?

Adam!

Adam! Adam! I'm not gonna go!

Admit it, bitch!

Admit it! You sucked his balls, you licked his booty,

After the money's gone

After they pulled you off of me, me and Rick talked it out.

Ain't over.

All I can see is her getting rammed by

All I'm saying is, whatever your poison, I wouldn't tub without it.

All right, everybody grab your gear, we gotta move!

All right, fantastic. Let's do this.

All right, here's the second fucking thing, okay?

All right, I write Stargate fan fiction,

All right, I'm writing break up poetry, okay?

All right, is that the first thing or the second thing?

All right, kiddies, get your snow boots on

All right, kiddies, get your snow boots on

All right, man. Come on!

All right, so anyway, the repairman's doing his thing.

All right, well, if you're gonna stay, I'm gonna stay!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right, man.

All right. All right. Bring it on, Spader.

All right. Cheers!

All right. On three?

All right. We're all gonna meet back here.

All the choices we make in our life, they're pointless.

All these years! You stabbed me in the eye with a fucking fork

All we did was listen to records and have sex.

Almost just in time!

America!

And a Jacuzzi is your spaceship?

And blow shit up with some red soda can bomb.

And bring your friend.

And do something totally different,

And don't steal that Caboodle makeup thing from JCPenney

And everybody knows what a big deal you're gonna be some day.

And family.

And get in a hot tub with these guys.

And he's like, "What are you talking about?

And here it comes.

And I challenge him to a rematch at midnight saying,

And I hate this decade!

And I left you everything with the red stickers.

And I messed it up when I broke up with her before,

And I put them together and oil them up...

And I was good.

And I was talking about the future and I was thinking about,

And I'm coming off this long and winding road

And I'm gonna wax his fucking pole.

And I'm looking for some guy to drill me in the fucking jaw.

And I'm not about to let some Ruskie fucks come into my town

And I'm not saying that because she was Asian.

And if we're changing shit,

And if you screw up you have to pay for those choices.

And if you thought you could really start over

And if you win, name your price.

And it affects everything else.

And it took me here, to goddamn Winterfest.

And it took my arm right off.

And mind your own fucking business?

And my friends don't fucking show up.

And not the braggin' or boastin' and plus

And now every time I look at her,

And now I know why.

And now I'm back in the fucking '80s.

And runnin' runnin' And runnin' runnin'

And runnin' runnin' And runnin' runnin'

And she was epic, I mean she was... She was epic.

And she's just out there...

And thank you for claiming that empty plastic bottle.

And that led to nothing of a career.

And that led to nothing of a career.

And that's her job, is cleaning the poles.

And the fucking Internet's never invented.

And then Lou's gonna ax murder all of us.

And then we all get snowed in,

And then when I broke up with her, she was so mad,

And then you cut me off.

And there's the catch! First down!

And these are their secret Commie weapons.

And they haven't returned my calls.

And they may have a point, actually, if I think about it.

And tight. She's so tight.

And Tokyo explodes, or there's a tsunami in, like, somewhere.

And we're whining, and we're badgering, and finally he relents.

And yes it weighs a ton

And you give your buddy a blowjob.

And you guys are paying for the whole thing?

And you have a baby with Billy Lavatino,

And you look like my friend Adam.

And you stay right here. Okay?

And you still fucking got stabbed in the eye?

And you were gonna break up with me anyway?

And you won't do any hard time.

And you wrote "Cincinnati" on it?

And you, too, young blood. Come on in, here.

And you're addicted to Weight Watchers, you little bitch.

Anybody wanna go for a little sleigh ride?

Anybody wanna go for a little sleigh ride?

Anyhow, I have instructions on how to get home.

Apply for a job. Maybe try to go to college.

Approximately three days ago, or 20 years,

April, let's go!

Are these mushrooms? Did you eat these mushrooms, Adam?

Are we rolling?

Are you afraid that some of these people might see you?

Are you crying?

Are you guys alive? Holy fuck.

Are you shitting me with this, Adam?

Are you the mystical time travel guide guy or not?

Are you the mystical time travel guide guy or not?

Aren't you coming to my room with me?

At the drive in

Aw!

Baby, how was your weekend? I wasn't expecting you today.

Baby, wait a minute. What are you talking about?

Band? What band were you ever in?

Be careful.

Because I just love her so fucking much.

Because I thought you were crying, and I was like...

Because I was thinking about how good we are together, right?

Because I'm committed to not changing the past.

Because my heart hurts.

Because then there's two people stuck in the bullshit

Because you look good, you know?

Because you're probably somewhere sucking a motherfucker's dick!

Before he died, he looked at me and he said,

Before her bus has to leave in two hours?

Black.

Blaine and Chaz. Blaine and Chaz saved his arm!

Blaine apparently beat your shoe off of you,

Blaine, hello.

Blaine, it looks like a skinny soda can.

Blaine, please stop counting.

Blaine!

Bono has been doing this for three days.

Bono, Bono, come.

Bono, up!

Boo! We just got fucking robbed.

Both King and X They got rid of both

Bottle of scotch, end of the night.

Boy, I really wish I knew what the fuck you were talking about.

Bring him up here.

Bring it on, Jo Jo.

Burn it till it's burned out Turn it till it's turned out

Burned!

But bad news for you, sport. I'm a patriot.

But can I text you later?

But he's our asshole, you know?

But I can honestly say right now

But I can't because my friends need me and I gotta show up for them,

But I don't know about Lou.

But I know that you were here.

But I vowed to master the chaos,

But I'm awesome. I can guarantee that.

But if John Connor don't send Michael Biehn back to protect her,

But if you're changing the fucking past, okay,

But it's illegal.

But it's not me.

But lately something's changed It ain't hard to define

But my heart's of gold

But my heart's of gold

But seriously, a lot has changed.

But she seems kind of slutty, right?

But the facts and the evidence tell me it is...

But the repairman said it's got nitro trainium...

But the ski patrol came along and they put it on ice.

But this

But we do think that he should be monitored for a few days.

But we got along so great and...

But we just stay at him

But you wouldn't be those guys because

But you wouldn't know nothing about that

By all counts we should be pretty fucked up right now, but I...

By the way, I love your coat.

By the way, where does it say in the fucking friendship handbook

Bye, Mom. Love you. Don't do drugs, okay?

Call me later.

Can be. Ready to go?

Can I get 3,000 beers?

Can I please get the soda back?

Can I tell you something that I haven't told anybody?

Can we talk about this for a minute?

Can't get any bars.

Can't you be like a warrior or a shaman

Cannonball!

Carol's on the left.

Casanova, let's do this!

Chaz, stop!

Chaz, this is an Acorn 5 situation.

Chaz.

Check it out. They must have fixed it.

Check the fucking drawer.

Check this shit out. It's still there.

Cheers!

Chernobly? Why?

Chimney Point at the end of the night

Choke on that horn, man!

Choosing me as your friend over Adam.

Come on Come on

Come on Come on, louder

Come on down, man. Have a brewski with us.

Come on, Boots, you have three minutes left.

Come on, Chaz.

Come on, Lou. Let's talk about this inside.

Come on, man!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Come on, come on.

Come on. You guys.

Congratulations. Look at all that money.

Correct.

Daddy's little buddy.

Damn it. They forgot to leave the key.

Damn, you strong.

Damn!

Damn! You remember that?

Damn. I think it's still broke.

Dawn.

Depending on your understanding of the time space continuum, Jacob,

Did I get that on you?

Did my mom, like, sleep with a bunch of dudes?

Did somebody call you?

Did you have pineapple today?

Did you see him? Did you see him rock out?

Didn't you all fucking see Timecop?

Do I give a fuck?

Do I know you?

Do I look kind of older?

Do I really got to be the asshole that says

Do the right thing, Violator.

Do you know what happens to you if we don't go back?

Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me?

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Does he have any family?

Does she do four?

Does she seem that way to you?

Does this guy seem a little imbalanced to you?

Does this seem like it's all about Adam again?

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Doesn't mean they were always wrong

Don't be afraid. I'm gonna treat you right.

Don't fucking lie to me. Every one of you people have Ritalin.

Don't leave me hanging this time.

Don't move too fast, people Just take it slow

Don't yell at him like that.

Don't you dare fucking tell him.

Don't you fucking get it? I'm not gonna be fucking born!

Don't you put your hands on me, young lady!

Don't you... Jesus!

Done.

Down the basement

Down the street, dude.

Dr. Jefferies to radiology.

Dropping loads!

Dude is rocking a cassette player.

Dude, yes, exactly. Or you step on a bug

Dude.

Easy, man.

Enrique fucking lglesias.

Especially after dawn.

Evening.

Every Friday night, my father used to take my sister Kelly and me

Every time I hang out with you, man, it's some kind of shit storm.

Everybody Everybody

Everybody, everybody Let's get into it

Everybody, everybody Let's get into it

Everything seemed to matter more back then.

Exactly.

Excuse me one minute.

Excuse me, miss, what color is Michael Jackson?

Excuse me?

Exhausting.

Falling off the silver screen

Fat chance, asshole. Elway's done nothing all day.

Feel better?

Feel me in your bones

Fine, get us some snacks.

First of all, I would never screw around.

First, I'm dropping "Agnew" from my name.

Five, four, three...

For personal financial gain?

For the whole world to read

For this place called The Enchanted Forest of Pizza.

For Webber Agnew?

For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends.

Free your inner soul And break away from tradition

From all intellect Collect the rhythm effect

From now on, we're gonna say, "Hot tub time machine."

Fuck it, we're dead men! Just let me go.

Fuck it!

Fuck me in the face.

Fuck me.

Fuck this, man! This is fucking bullshit!

Fuck wives, man. Fuck kids.

Fuck wives, man. Fuck kids.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck you, man. Listen.

Fuck you!

Fuck you! Feels so good!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Shit!

Fuck! Game on.

Fuck! That used to be Papa Enzo's.

Fucking burned you.

Fucking cats.

Fucking Chimney Point, right? Here we are.

Fucking iPods, you know? Fucking Prius.

Fucking K Vals? Holy shit!

Fucking Zac Efron. Nobody invented him yet.

Gargle your hog? No, man.

Get him a body bag, Blaine!

Get in here!

Get it started Get it started

Get it started, get it started Let's get it started

Get stupid Get it started

Get the fuck off of me! You're a fucking dead man!

Give him the phone, Nick.

Give me your best shot. Come on, buddy.

Give us a minute, okay? Listen to me, man.

Go outdoors. Jesus Christ!

God damn it! Get the fuck in here right now!

God damn it! None of what you said worked at all.

God damn it! This is fucking bullshit!

God damn it! Who the fuck are you texting with?

God, I can't stop thinking about last night.

God, who are you people?

God, you guys see that?

Good boy.

Good morning.

Good to have you back, see you back up there, man.

Good, he's drinking already.

Good.

Good. Then come on.

Got it.

Grab that. I'll take this one.

Great white buffalo.

Great white buffalo.

Great.

Guilty feet have got no rhythm

Guys do that.

Guys, let's go.

Guys! Guys! Come on, man. Talk to me about this!

Guys! This is scientifically possible.

Guys?

Hang up the phone, Jerry. This shit don't concern you.

Hang up the phone, motherfucker!

Happy times.

Hard to believe this is the very room

Have a good rest of your vacation.

He came back from that, though.

He did it. Got to go!

He doesn't look cool.

He fades back. Elway fires. He's got Jackson open.

He has erectile dysfunction.

He hates himself. He hates everybody.

He hates his mother.

He looks like a lion.

He made you his little bitch.

He pulls that top, and this whole fucking place blows.

He said A and B...

He's actually a pretty cool guy.

He's an alcoholic, he's divorced.

He's denying that it was a suicide attempt and medically he's stable,

He's distracted by a wild squirrel!

He's failed at every jive ass money hustle he's ever tried.

He's got halitosis.

He's got that runt ball.

He's gotta jerk off one handed?

He's humiliated you, emasculated you.

He's impossibly open!

He's in a mountain of debt.

He's not that cool. Hey, Kelly.

He's obviously talking about me.

He's right there. Shut up.

He's totally cool.

He's very creative.

He's your son.

Heck, you fried your timing crossover.

Hello? Mom?

Hello.

Hello.

Here it comes!

Here we go. Here we go. Round two.

Here we go. It's like a slow motion guillotine.

Here's a question.

Here's another question.

Hey, 420. Our old room. Check it out.

Hey, Adam?

Hey, Adam.

Hey, Adam. Fuck.

Hey, Blaine.

Hey, bro, Nicholas.

Hey, bye.

Hey, check out my girl.

Hey, did you find the Chernobly?

Hey, everybody, you ready to jam?

Hey, family.

Hey, girl.

Hey, go home! Loser!

Hey, guys, come take a look at this.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Guys.

Hey, hey, hey, check this out.

Hey, hey, hey. Do it fucking quickly, okay?

Hey, how was the trip?

Hey, John Lennon gets shot!

Hey, look, it's happening.

Hey, look, it's the douche bag from Karate Kid III.

Hey, Mom. I made you a drink.

Hey, we could combine Twitter with fucking Viagra.

Hey, what's an e mail?

Hey, where's the Kodiak Club?

Hey, why are you flickering?

Hey, why didn't we just go to Pinnacle?

Hey, you know what? I just remembered I gotta meet a guy.

Hey, you.

Hey!

Hey! Give me that phone!

Hey! God! That's my arm!

Hey! There he is!

Hey.

Hey. Adam.

Hey. Hey, there. What are you doing?

Hey. Onesies?

Hi, folks. I'm Dr. Jeff. Lou's resting.

Hi, it's me.

Hi, Phil. Can we go back to the hotel, lodge?

Hi.

Him first? Okay.

Hit that.

Hold on, I gotta get the phone.

Holy fuck, man, you gotta stay straight!

Holy fuck! Winterfest '86. We were here, man.

Holy shit, Phil, you got both your arms.

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

Home sweet home

Home sweet home

Home sweet home

Home sweet home

Home sweet home

Hopefully that hot tub's fixed and we can get the fuck out of here.

Hot ones.

Hot tub.

Housekeeping.

How about me, do I look different?

How am I supposed to get a job?

How are you doing?

How come you guys didn't meet us at the chair lift this morning?

How do I get a hold of you?

How do I know which one it's supposed to be?

How do you know my name?

How does he do it? How is he right all the time?

How long did our talking just take?

How much worse can it get?

How the fuck am I supposed to know, dude?

How this is scientifically possible.

How you getting so lucky?

How?

Huh? What happened? We were gonna do shit together, man.

Huh.

Huh.

Hungry.

Hurry up. I can see the '90s.

I actually fucked a chick, too. So I'll just do that.

I also said to shut the fuck up. Remember that?

I am a rock hard trooper To the bone, the bone, the bone

I am at my wit's end with him, so you gotta level with me.

I am not going to tell you again!

I basically just got onto this bus

I bet Elway throws a touchdown pass

I bet he's on the Statue of Liberty and shit, too.

I broke up with Jenny Stedmeyer there.

I brought you some ice. It'll make you feel better.

I can fucking hear everything you're saying, all right?

I can handle it.

I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's sister!

I can't believe we're all here.

I can't go around banging girls in hot tubs.

I can't go home. What the fuck?

I can't hold on.

I can't move, because I'm broken.

I can't, man.

I can't, the butterflies won't let me.

I could be a good dad!

I could be off, but I think it's in reference to blowing a dude.

I could have been conceived this weekend.

I could have had a career, but I got married and I went a different way.

I could have had a career, but I got married and I went a different way.

I did do that. But, fuck, no, I'm married!

I did what?

I did.

I didn't change anything yet, I just didn't do it.

I didn't do anything.

I didn't fucking try and kill myself.

I didn't take it from you.

I don't care if you put that arm in a steel fucking vault,

I don't care. It's going up his ass.

I don't even know if I can live without her cheating ass.

I don't even remember what he looks like.

I don't get fat!

I don't give a shit about animals, either, so...

I don't have my music, I barely have friends.

I don't know how you've lived with yourself all these years.

I don't know if you noticed, but Lily moved out.

I don't know, Blaine. I mean, they seem a little young

I don't know, exactly.

I don't know, man.

I don't know, man. It just feels right, you know?

I don't know, man. Maybe coming here was a bad idea.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Anything that corresponds with reality.

I don't know. I wasn't keeping track.

I don't know. Shut up.

I don't know. That all sounds kind of overrated.

I don't know. We swapped virginities junior year.

I don't like you taking liberties with my dick.

I don't need to be born.

I don't remember her being that fucking beautiful.

I don't see one other black person in here.

I feel 19 again!

I feel crazy right now.

I feel fantastic!

I feel pregnant.

I forgot that it says in the asshole handbook

I found a e mail.

I found out she fucking cheated.

I fucked your sister!

I fucking hate you, Louis.

I gave her my life, I gave up my passion.

I got a "Nick Webber Agnew."

I got guilted into coming on this trip

I got it. Don't worry.

I got it. I got it.

I got some feelings that I got to deal with.

I got some vague recollection of that.

I got stabbed in the face with a fork.

I got you.

I gotta go. I'm getting out of here.

I gotta go. I'm getting out of here.

I had to go... My friend got in trouble, but I had to...

I had to run away high

I hate you, too, baby.

I have a full head of hair and a functioning penis,

I have some Ativan, but it's different.

I hope.

I just got to get rid of this thing. It's really uncomfortable.

I just haven't done it yet. There's a big difference.

I kind of feel great.

I knew there was a reason I fucking hated you.

I knew this trip was a bad idea.

I know about what you did with a guy named Steve.

I know exactly what he meant. He was talking about the butterfly effect.

I know that guy.

I know the fucking future, douche bag.

I know this game.

I know what we're gonna do.

I know you.

I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.

I know, man. That's why we came here!

I know, right?

I know, right? Man.

I know! I just got some emotions coming up.

I know. Because you guys exist here and I don't.

I know. You are funny.

I like him.

I like to eat them, you know? A couple of them.

I love how much you hate you.

I love that fucking song!

I love that fucking song!

I love you so much.

I love you, Jacob!

I love you, too, Nick Webber.

I love you, too.

I mean our time, not this time.

I mean, are you like a happy grownup?

I mean, honestly, what the fuck, man? That was...

I mean, I can tell you've all been to Kodiak Valley before.

I mean, I certainly don't take my hands

I might just look...

I must have forgot.

I need $3,000.

I need the music Give me some more

I need you to touch my arm or something

I only do two at a time.

I said relax for a minute.

I said, start sucking, gaylord.

I saved the good stuff for us.

I saw it coming and I avoided it. I mean, I didn't avoid it.

I say it once again

I say that to you. You don't say that to me.

I seem to remember you getting your ass whooped.

I seriously almost passed out, you're such a dork.

I think I came. I think. I can't even tell you what it was like.

I think we should tell him. This is gruesome.

I thought maybe I could pull the part from one of the other tubs.

I thought they were gonna hold your sack.

I thought you said you came in here on a bus.

I told you, I had two hours. I gotta go.

I told you, I think that's fucking stupid.

I took everything with the yellow stickers

I wanna have a few more.

I want an escort to escort our penises into her vagina.

I want the girl in the picture, too.

I want to toast to the good times.

I want to.

I was gonna let you drag me down into your bullshit, Lou?

I was kidding about the blowjob thing. Obviously, we're comedians.

I was looking for you. Where'd you go?

I was prepared to fight you on that one.

I was trying to kill myself!

I will not be anywhere near that.

I wish it did.

I wish that I had

I wish that I had

I'd be awesome at it.

I'll be back. My friends are over there. I'll come right back.

I'll just get those.

I'll just go find the repairman myself and fix the time machine.

I'll never go back. I'll never go back.

I'll see you in 20 years.

I'll take that!

I'll tell you something I haven't told somebody for a long time.

I'm a journalist. I'm covering the band for Spin magazine.

I'm back inside of you.

I'm caught right in the middle of a thing right now,

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

I'm fucking with you, dude.

I'm getting to it.

I'm glad you didn't do it.

I'm going back to music because I jam.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it. I just haven't done it yet!

I'm gonna find a sexy instructor

I'm gonna fucking take it from him myself.

I'm gonna go find Nick and Lou,

I'm gonna go to a party at the ski patrol house,

I'm gonna go to the bathroom and be alone with my own thoughts.

I'm gonna make a prediction right now.

I'm gonna **** you. I'm gonna **** you!

I'm gonna **** you. I'm gonna **** you.

I'm gonna tell everybody in prison that I traveled back in time

I'm good here, man.

I'm his father.

I'm in the bathroom. Come in.

I'm just kidding. It's what friends do. God!

I'm just sort of letting the universe surprise me, right?

I'm just talking about good stuff.

I'm just trying to do my job, here.

I'm not gonna fucking look.

I'm not in. I'm married.

I'm not really making any plans.

I'm not scared, idiot. I'm fucking pissed.

I'm not the guy that...

I'm nothing.

I'm on a mountain on my phone! Yeah.

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm out there, Violator.

I'm physically still here. That's good, I think.

I'm pretty happy.

I'm pretty hungry, actually.

I'm pretty sure that's not what's going on here.

I'm really good at getting head. You'll see.

I'm so scared.

I'm sorry, Adam.

I'm sorry, Courtney.

I'm sorry, excuse me. What? What did you just say?

I'm sorry, I do.

I'm sorry, man. I'm just preoccupied.

I'm sorry. If I'm being honest,

I'm sorry. You probably do have Ritalin.

I'm sun... Sunshine.

I'm sure. You see, I have to walk in the exact same footsteps.

I'm very happy to be right here in this moment with you,

I'm your best friend?

I've never seen anything like it!

If I go back, I'm just gonna kill myself all over again, man.

If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself.

If I win, your wife gives me a blowjob.

If it was, like, guidelines for being an asshole,

If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon,

If we stop counting, they're gonna blow us sky high.

If we're changing shit, we gotta be taking advantage of shit.

If you change one little thing.

In a big bathtub together, naked?

In here

In my heart I am.

In the fucking eyeball tonight!

In the old man's Ford

Including my father.

Incomplete! Game's over! Cleveland wins!

Instead of your sorry ass.

Into the blue again

Is anybody else hungry?

Is it a fetus?

Is that all you got? Pussy.

Is that it?

Is that Lou?

Is that what all the shuffling was?

Is that when the time portal closes, at dawn?

Is there alcohol in that?

Is there some kind of weird retro thing going on this weekend?

Is this why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinnati"?

It ain't no secret why they're tappin' my phone

It can be interpreted either way.

It could be any one of these guys.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. You crush it, you put it in a warm paper towel,

It felt good. Admit it.

It is so good to see you.

It looks great.

It means do the math, dipshit.

It means something to me to be married.

It must be some kind of hot tub time machine.

It was a family tradition.

It was like frigging hot.

It was pathetic.

It was pathetic. You couldn't have kicked him from the ground?

It was so beautiful. You sack of shit!

It was? What did we do? I don't remember.

It would have been 3 to 1 anyway.

It would have taken, like, half the time.

It'd kill you to give me a straight answer?

It'll all make sense soon.

It's a note I wrote to you. You should read it.