Donald Trump Tells Clean Jokes Edit

A Bagpiper, a Kangeroo, an Irish poet, and Mother Theresa walk into a bar . . . . . . . the barman, who was drying a glass, lifted his head and asked, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods The bear asks the rabbit "do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?" "Nope" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase. I don't think hes alright now.

A broom only likes one brand of comedy. Dustpan.

A classic: what do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

A cow fell off a truck in Russia Apparently he hadn't been Put in properly.

A disability, a curse word and a radical interpretation of scripture walk into a bar nothing happened welcome to /r/cleanjokes

A dog with only 3 legs walks into a saloon in the Old West He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A farmer in (x town) who rolled over a cart of horse manure... Is reported in "stable condition."

A frog decided to trace his genealogy one day... He discovered he was a tad Polish.

A funny bird is the pelican His beak can hold more than his belly can He can hold in his beak Enough for a week And I don't know how the heck he can!

A guy walks into a bar Ouch

A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" And the horse answers, "They've started a round of layoffs at the plant."

A long joke jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke

A man enters a store and asks for a color printer, the cashier asks "What color?"

A man once thought he'd discovered a new primary color but it proved to be merely a pigment of his imagination.

A man started to throw words beginning with 'th' at me I dodge this, then and there but I didn't see that coming Tim Vine

A man walked into a doctor's office . . . He said to the doctor: "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said: "Well don't go there any more."

A man walks into a bar... He says "Ow"

A man walks into a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back... The host asks the man why this is so. "Oh, I'm a tortoise and this is Michelle" says the man.

A man walks into an apple store and...... farts every one is really angry and there all shouting so he says it's not my fault you don't have windows

A man wanted to name his son a very long name... ...so he named him Miles

A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today... ...while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

A mathematician was constipated, how did he solve his problem? He worked it out with a pencil and paper.

A pair of mittens says to a hat, "I'll stay here, you go on a head"

A penguin walks into a bar... He goes up to the barman and says, "Have you seen my father in here today?" The barman says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A photon checks into a hotel... The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage and the photon replies "No. I'm travelling light."

A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "

A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck.. ..A platypus went into a hotel owned by a duck. Platypus ate food. Duck billed platypus

A poem for Valentine's day Roses are red Poppies are red The grass is red Oh no my yard is on fire

A Polar Bear walks into a cafe He says, "I'll have a burger and.... a coke." The waitress says, "Okay. But, why the long pause?" The bear says, "I don't know. I was born with them."

A police officer bought a robot this robot was fueled by sodium and alkaline, but could only hold enough for 24 hours at a time. so every morning he had to charge it with a salt and battery.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

A red ship and a blue ship crashed on an island together the survivors were marooned.

A sad can goes to get recycled. He was soda pressed.

A sentence and a phrase is arguing, what did the sentence say? I know where you're coming from this phrase, but I can't see your point.

A Siri joke!: Two iPhones walk into a bar... ...Carrying a set of iPod shuffles. The bartender says: > Let those iPods sing, man! He was an iSurfer on iPad mini.

A skeleton walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop.

A skeleton walks into a bar The bartender says, what will you have? Skeleton says, a beer... and a mop

A skeleton walks into a bar... Asks for a beer and a mop.

A skelleton goes to the bar and says "Can I have a pint and a mop..."

A stamp collector walks into a bar... He walks up to the hostess and says, "You're more beautiful than any stamp in my collection" She replied, "Philately will get you nowhere."

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence... "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

A termite walks into a bar... And asks the nearest person "Hey, is the bar tender here?"

A termite walks into a pub And asks "where's the bar tender?"

A Thanksgiving Joke What did the turkey say about the television program from the 1950s? There's a little bit too much grayvy.

A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes...

A woman files for divorce from her husband... citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns. When asked if this is true the husband says, "Divorce is strong with this one."

A WWII Joke! What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? "I was just following odors."

Accidental Seafood I tried dolphin once...but not on porpoise.

Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...

After watching a strongman competition... it amazed me to see how much the human body can lift without pooing itself.

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

Almonds on the tree; Amonds off the tree cause to get them off the tree you hafta shake the "L" out of them!

Alrighty Kids always remember: you are what you eat So eat loads of sweets and pass on those vegetables

Always put sunglasses on your tree. Then, you'll get the proper shade.

An idea for a board game... BONOPOLY Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either.

An ion walked up to Lost and Found and reported that he had lost an electron. The clerk asked:are you sure? The ion replied :Yes, I am positive.VCN

An oldie but goldie! *How do you stop a charging bull?* ***Take away its credit card!*** wa waa waaaa! ~Skip

An Olympic gymnast walked into a bar... She didnt get a medal...

Apparently vegetables can hear when they're being eaten. So I always drown mine in salad dressing first. Because it's the Romaine thing to do.

Apple just released a brand new programming language, *Swift*. Job recruiters everywhere immediately started posting ads for Swift programmers with 5 years of experience.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

Armadillo The world needs more armed dillos.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, Dogs sure are easily amused!... ...then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

Ask your doctor if left is right for you.

At the end of the Age of Dinosaurs what happened to the good ones? They got veloci raptured.

Bad scary film I was watching a really poorly done scary movie last night, it was horrorble.

Barely amusing Japanese joke Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan? Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.

Batman doesn't have nightmares Nightmares have batman

Bee jokes, courtesy of my niece (age 8). What did the bee use to dry off after swimming? A *bee*ch towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles? A honeycomb.

Better be named after what? If you had to choose, would you prefer having a disease named after you, or be named after your mother in law?

Book, you look so much thinner! I know! I had my appendix removed!

Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested... ...charged with battery.

Broken pencils... ...are pointless.

Broom advocates for cleaner work environment.

Bulls from all over India sent a petition to SC asking it to classify them as 'Jallikatu Bulls'.

By shear coincidence... ...all these sheep look the same...

Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can.

Captain Ahab's crew were highly efficient sailors In fact, they were running like a whale oiled machine.

Cars Why do lazy people only drive automatics? Because they're shiftless.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar... and orders a martini. The bartender asks "olive 'er twist?"

Chemistry Student I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na, I don't'. Lucky sod, he's only ever right periodically.

Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)

Clean joke about sorority girls Why do sorority girls only travel in odd numbered groups? Because they *can't even*!

Coco The Clown took his car back to the garage this week. The door wouldn't fall off.

Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam.

College My son took Rock Climbing in college but he had to drop the class. He couldn't find any "Cliff Notes."

Congratulation on the new baby, from your family... except from me because I don't really care.

Darth Vader told me he knows what i'm getting for Christmas He said he felt my presents...

Definitions Bigamist An Italian fog. Myfunsalow "I am broke" in Italian. Innuendo Italian for suppository.

Did I tell you I'm joining a gym in Gainesborough? Because I'm all about those gains bro

Did someone say "purple"? Sorry, it must have been a pigment of my imagination!

Did y'all hear the one about the professional jump roper? Never mind. *Skip it*.

Did ya hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field

Did you hear about NASA finding bones on the moon? Yeah,the cow didn't make it.

Did you hear about Scrooge's drinking problem? He had a dickens of a time with spirits.

Did you hear about that spicy knight? Sir Acha.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? You didn't hear? It made headlines!

Did you hear about the farmer that fell into the field machine and lost half his body? He's all right now! : )

Did you hear about the fight in the candy store? Two suckers got licked

Did you hear about the fortune teller that... Had bad breath, calluses all over his body and couldn't win a fight? He was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with halitosis.

Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide? He lost the huile d'olive

Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? Now he's fully recovered.

Did you hear about the guy who invented a knife that can cut four loaves of bread at once? He's calling it the "Four Loaf Cleaver."

Did you hear about the homemade poison ivy remedy? You can make it from scratch.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Delaware? Don't worry, he eventually woke up.

Did you hear about the kidnapping recently? The goatherd woke him up.

Did you hear about the lawyer for U2? He was Pro Bono

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. Woohoo! I'm making these up!!

Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!

Did you hear about the Native American who went to a party and drank 37 cups of tea? They found him dead the next morning in his tea pee.

Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested? He was held without charge.

Did you hear about the ointment... Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical.

Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes? They had really long weights.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field. From: http://www.dadlaughs.com

Did you hear about the schizophrenic accounts manager? He couldn't help but hear invoices inside his head.

Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with.

Did you hear about the stallion and the mare? They had a stable relationship.

Did you hear about the two monocles at the party? They made spectacles out of themselves.

Did you hear about the two silk worms that got in a fight? It ended in a tie.

Did you hear about what happened with the elk? It was really amoosing.

Did you hear that H.P. Lovecraft wrote a cookbook? It's called the Necronomnomnomicon.

Did you hear the joke about the fast car? I would tell you but I think you're too slow to get it.

Did you hear the Offspring song about how to store mummies? "You gotta keep 'em desiccated"

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil.

Did you hear the one about the three eggs? Too Bad.

Did you know that 1 in every doll, in every doll, in every doll, in every doll are Russian?

Did you know that it's traditional to serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

Did you know that protons have mass? >Yes Well I didn't even know they were Catholic!

Did you know yesterday was National Middle Child Day? Don't worry, no one else remembered either.

Did you see the guy at Walmart hiding from ugly people?

Did you take a shower today? Why, is one missing?

Difference between a dead squirrel and a dead drummer in the road? http://imgur.com/PKibj The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

Do you guys/gals like horse jokes? Yeah or neeiiigghh?

Do you have a hole in your sock? "No ..." *(looks at sock)* . . How'd you get your foot in it?

Do you know why one side of the the V formation of geese in flight is longer than the other side? Because It has more geese in it!

Do you know why the bike couldnt stand by itself? It was TWO TIRED!!!

Do you know why there's no casinos in Africa? Because there's too many CHEETAHS!

Do you think George Clooney has an iTunes playlist called Clooney Tunes?

Dolphins don't do anything by accident.. Always on porpoise.

Don't you hate jokes about German sausage? They're the wurst!

Ever heard about that movie called Constipation? It never came out.

Every journey has a beginning. ahem Just a small town girl Living in a lonely world...

Everybody gets their 15 minutes of fame so here's my first original joke! why is it impossible to surprise a snowman? .. he has ice in the back of his head

Fart tutor wanted, must have references

Finally decided on my thesis paper. It's a LOTR themed essay in defense of Sauron Titled "Getting away with Mordor"

First original joke! Why did the rapper visit the urologist? Because his flows were so sick.

First post and an original How much does a Chinese elephant weigh? .................. Wonton

Four years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times. (not an original)

Garbage men have Hefty contracts.

Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. [X Post from r/Fantasy] They're both cauldron.

Have a very Joseph Christmas! We shouldn't discriminate by sex, you know.

Have you been injured in a car accident? call 555 bottom feeders. We will do anything for money.

Have you ever heard the one about the dust bunny and the mud pie? Well then sorry, I only tell clean jokes.

Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer? He had...... Loco Motives

Have you heard about that hot Thai lounge singer? Yeah. They call him *Frank Sriracha.*

Have you heard about the 2 Spanish firemen? Jose and hose B

Have you heard about the Black Magic book for orphans? It's called the necro**mom**icon

Have you heard the one about the agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia? He tossed and turned all night wondering if there was a dog

Have you heard what I think of windmills? Big Fan.

Have you seen the movie Constipated? No? Why? Cause it hasn't come out yet!

Heard the one about the corduroy pillowcase? It's making headlines.

Heart attack When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades.

HELP! We need your best joke you have! We will choose the best joke and make a video of it, just for you!

Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy.

Hope you guys like clean humor videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNt aTq0hxM

How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor.

How can you tell that a straight pin is confused? Just look at it. It's headed in one direction and pointed in the other.

How did the aquarium win the battle? Giant Fish Tanks.

How did the burglar get into the house? Intruder window

How did the desk lamp store manager feel when thieves stole all his lightbulbs? He was delighted.

How did the firefly feel when he flew into the fan? He was de lighted

How did the geologist develop a career as an expert in sinkholes? He fell into it.

How did the metal get the wrong idea? He was misled.

How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet

How did the Pillsbury Dough Boy Die? A Yeast Infection

How did the pilot like his hotdog? Plane.

How did the prostitute get promoted? She slept her way to the top!

How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia'd.

How do cows get their gossip? They herd it through the bovine.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully

How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat? Ba dum ship.

How do trees get online? They just log in...

How do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

How do you call for a bath? With a Teletubbie.

How do you catch a bra? You set a booby trap.

How do you catch a one of a kind rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a very calm rabbit? The tame way.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? *unique* up on it!

How do you confuse a fish? You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.

How do you find Will Smith in the winter? You search for Fresh Prints.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!

How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck

How do you get Pikachu on the bus? Poke 'em on!

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later.

How do you kill a circus? You stab it in the juggler.

How do you kill a vampire from the South? With a chicken fried stake

How do you kill bread? Bake it for a little while, and it will be toast.

How do you know ancient Egyptians loved books so much? Because they built their stuff with reads!

How do you know you put the right joke in the right thread? Don't worry, someone will tell you.

How do you make a computer your best friend? You buy it a nice bunch of software and get it loaded!

How do you make a kleenex dance? You put a little Boogie in it!

How do you make a squid laugh? Ten tickles.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it! (Not sure of the spelling, heard it from someone).

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. :)

How do you make gold soup? You use 14 carrots.

How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic? Cash or Czech Edit: a word

How do you prepare for a party in space? You Planet Thanks u/BostonCentrist

How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheburg.

How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carats!

How do you unlock a monastery door? With a monk key.

How does a cactus do his math homework? He uses a cacti lator!

How does a duck pay for lipstick? She puts it on her bill

How does a fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales!

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meat patty! Thought of you guys!

How does a mathematician get Tan? Sin/Cos

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

How does a plant walk? It uses a plant stand.

How does Han Solo like to get around Endor? Ewoks

How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff? Straight jack it.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

How does the Mummy plan to destroy Superman? He's gonna lure him in to the crypt tonight.

How is a rabbit similar to a plum? they are both purple, except for the rabbit.

How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear? It was a brief chase...

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,6,7,8

How many goals did Germany score? gerMANY

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FOUR!

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1

How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? #

How many roads must a man walk? 42.

How many Romans does it take to screw in a light bulb? V.

How many Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes 5 episodes.

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.... I'll get my coat...

How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just 1 but it will take 3 episodes.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Tentacles.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ten tickles

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

How many US Congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, please. Like they've ever changed anything that needed it.

How much did the pirate charge for corn? He sold them for a buccaneer.

How much did the skeleton charge for his excellent legal services? An arm and a leg.

How much do drum shaped sofas cost? 5 dollars per cushion.

How much do pirates pay for earrings? about a buck an ear.

How much does a pirate earing cost? A buccaneer

How much does a truck full of bones weigh? A skeleTon

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer!

How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears? A buccaneer!

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer.

How much does wonton soup weigh? One ton, but I don't know anyone that'd wantonly order it.

How to create a clean joke Step 1. Find a dirty joke Step 2. Clean it

How was Rome split in half? With a pair of *Caesars*

How was the Roman Empire cut in two? With a pair of Caesars.

I am not pro gay. I am not even amateur gay. But, I support their rights.

I asked my soap who it voted for, it said... I'd lather not say! note: This one came to me in the shower just now, gotta go back in now. Oh, the irony! I think. ~Skip

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely... ...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

I bought a duckdoo yesterday! 'What's a duckdoo?' "quack, quack"

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...and so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day. My amazing girlfriend told me this one

I came into this subreddit expecting jokes about soap. I am mildly disappointed.

I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception

I can make a movie with my hand. All it takes is a FLICK of the wrist!

I can't stand Russian Dolls... They're always so full of themselves!

I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ... Maybe not a funny joke but at least it is deep.

I do my best when my manager puts a gun to my head.

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account... ...so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

I don't like going to funerals early in the day. I'm not much of a mourning person.

I farted on an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels. From /r/PeterL

I fear for the calendar... ...its days are numbered.

I feed my cat lemons. He's a real sour puss.

I fell in the mud. And took a shower right after!

I fell off a forty foot ladder today.... lucky I was on the bottom rung.

I finally finished baby proofing the house. Let's see those babies get in here now.

I find hanging around in coffee shops A great way to espresso yourself

I forgot where I threw my boomerang. Oh wait.. It's coming back to me now.

I got hit hard in the head with a can of 7up today... I'm alright though, it was a soft drink.

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

I hate girls with double standards unless they're pretty

I hate people who talk about me behind my back... They discussed me.

I hate when you're trying to be cheesy but everyone is laughtose intolerant.

I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed... ...but none of them work.

I have found that there are three kinds of people; Those who can count and those who can't.

I have the opposite of a photographic memory i have a potatographic memory.

I have to find a new personal trainer. He didn't do squat(s).

I hear that in Star Wars VIII they're going to introduce Han's perpetually depressed younger brother. His name is Y Solo.

I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier. I'm sure it will come back to me eventually.

I heard it's a good night to see the Perseid meteor shower . . . . . . but I haven't heard how it got dirty.

I heard she accidentally spilled her chocolate milkshake on her white poodle knick knack paddy whack give the dog a... bath!!!

I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.

I invented a time machine... ...next week.

I just bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

I just found out I'm colorblind It came out of the yellow.

I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.

I just heard because of the government shutdown government archeologists are working with a skeleton crew.

I just invented a new word! It's called "plagiarism".

I just met someone who was a steam roller operator. He was such a flatterer.

I just read this article about short term memory I don't remember what it was about

I knew I was old when I opened internet explorer.

I knew this guy who would ask men at church, "is your tie made out of bird cloth?" <blank stare> "It's cheep, cheep, cheep."

I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.

I know a woman who owns a taser... Let me tell you, she's stunning!

I like camping but... it's so in tents

I like my jokes they way I like my robots. Killer.

I like my slaves like I like my coffee Free.

I like my slaves like I like my coffee: Free.

I love graphs! I used to be obsessed with them... I've calmed down now though, you've gotta draw the line somewhere

I love self deprecating humour. Shame I'm no good at it.

I love when I have dramatic realizations over my morning cereal... ... I call 'em "breakfast epiphanies"

I made a model aircraft. I wanted it to be an unpainted smooth finish wooden aircraft. So I made a plain planed plane plane.

I made half a cup of tea the other day... It was so nice I had two.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. *Al dente*, you might say. **Jimmy Carr**

I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Lays.

I named my cat "Curiosity". He killed himself ... Nine times.

I need this plant to grow. Well, water you waiting for?

I never buy Velcro It's such a rip off.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.

I personally don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before hoes.. There needs to be a balance. A homie hoe stasis

I rang up a local builder and said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you." **Tim Vine**

I read a story about a kid that ate 4 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting... It said that he later had a massive vowel movement. Maybe a dirty joke.

I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs

I saw a documentary on how they make jeans... It was riveting.

I saw a middle aged man staring at a picture of his very first steps. With tears in his eyes, he told me he regrets ever replacing the steps with an elevator.

I saw an all frog production of Frozen yesterday... It was toad aly cool!

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode... I asked, Are you two an item?

I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?!"

I support farming and math... I'm pro tractor.

I the shell off a snail yesterday... you'd think it would move faster, but it was really kinda sluggish.

I thought I had a brain tumor but then I realized it was all in my head.

I thought the dryer shrank my clothes.. turns out it was the refrigerator

I tired playing soccer But I couldn't get a kick out of it.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.

I tried to change my password to 14days... The computer said it was two week.

I try not to spend too much time online... ...but Wi Fight it?

I used to be addicted... to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around (x post from /r/jokes)

I used to work at an orange juice factory... I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.

I wanna make a joke about sodium. But Na.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Unlike the passengers in his car who were screaming and yelling! http://www.thedailyenglishshow.com/friday joke/98 how to die/

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.

I was at Redbox, but I didn't know what to watch. I consulted my groceries, and my pizza said, "Keep Frozen."

I was driving today... And saw a sign that said, "Steamed Crabs". I began to wonder: "What made them so mad?"

I was going to go to a clairvoyants meeting the other day but.... it was cancelled due to unforeseen events.

I was gonna make a joke on Reddit.. .. but I guess you've already Reddit somewhere.

I was thinking of ways to become transgender... So I figured I'd fly to Paris. Because then I'd be abroad.

I was walking in the desert and saw a redwood tree. I knew this must be a mirage, so I ran into it. To my dismay, the tree and I collided. I guess it must have been an obstacle illusion.

I was watching a TV program on various Religious orders and how the use stringed instruments. I was appalled by the amount of sects and violins!

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I went for a job interview today... The interviewer said to me, What would you say your greatest weakness is? I said, I think Id have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.

I went in to a pet shop and said, Can I buy a goldfish? The guy said, Do you want an aquarium? I said, I dont care what star sign it is.

I went out with anorexic twins last night... 2 birds, 1 stone

I went to a seafood disco last week... ...and pulled a mussel.

I went to a shredded cheese convention the other day... it was grate

I went to the dermatologist about something on my neck and they said I just needed to scrub it!!!

I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor... he said sorry, "I'm a wholesaler."

I would make a sparrow joke... But they don't fly very well.

I would never exaggerate... ...in a million years.

I would think you'd have to be open minded... ...to be a brain surgeon.

I'm a social person. I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

I'm calculating how much it would cost to install lights for a little league baseball field A ballpark estimate would be perfect

I'm getting mighty fed up with these sheep human hybrids! What is with ewe people!?

I'm going to stand outside... So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.

I'm in the terminator musical. I'll be Bach.

I'm making a band! I started a band called 999 Megabytes...we havent gotten a gig yet.

I'm naming my TV remote Waldo... ...for obvious reasons.

I'm not really sure I'm understanding this financial crisis in Greece... It's all Greek to me.

I'm reading a book about anti gravity. I can't put it down.

I'm reading a book about anti gravity... ... It's impossible to put down

I'm so sad because my friend is moving to Shanghai. More like Shang bye.

I'm tired of people calling America the dumbest country in the world Quite frankly, I think Europe is!

I'm very keen I could tell he was bald at the drop of a hat.

I've just made a meeting site for retired chemists It's called Carbon Dating

I've won the war! My pants fit! **Congratulations, have you lost weight?** Even better... I've bought new pants!!!

If all of Ireland sank, what part of it wouldn't? County Cork

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims

If I bought a balloon for $0.99 ... How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

If I don't eat all of my food, it goes to waste. If I do eat all of my food, it goes to *waist*.

If I ever fire someone who is a Taylor Swift fan I'll say "I knew you were trouble when you clocked in."

If life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.

If Mr. Bean lost one of his legs he'd be cannellini!

If the house is in the kitchen, and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana? A state (Indiana)

If you bury someone in the wrong place then you have made a grave mistake.

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. *They're normally around 90 degrees.*

If you have bladder problems. Urine trouble.

If you walk into the bathroom an American and walk out an American, what are you in the bathroom? European.

If you're American, when are you not American? When European. Or when you're Russian. Any more? :)

If you're not buying kraft mac and cheese you might be buying an impasta.

Im trying to get into classical music... ...but I cant find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.

Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better get glasses, and stop doing drugs

It's an emergency! I need underwear jokes. My baby sister needs underwear jokes for some mysterious reason. I need your guys help!

James Bond went to get a haircut. The barber asked him if he wanted to dye his hair as well. Bond replied "Dye another day."

Jesus wrote a play about a tornado. It was an Act of God.

JKLMNOPQRST That's all that stands between U and I :)

Joke request Tell me your best joke that includes "July" "fourth" and "fire" Let's see what you've got, Reddit!

Just found this sub the other day and I've come to this realization... Currently, this subreddit seems to be in quite the pickle.

Just went to an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.

Just wrote a book on reverse psychology... Don't read it!

Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... ...but it's definitely up there.

Knock knock Who's there? Impatient cow. Impatient co He already left.

Knock knock Who's there? Ash Ash who? Bless you.. P.S. kids love it

Knock Knock Who's there Boo!! Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a joke

Knock knock Who's there? Abby. Abby who. A bee has stolen my wallet. (I will show my self out)

Knock knock! **Who's there?** *Tank* **Tank who?** *You're welcome*

KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE! ***sombrero **** ^sombrero who,,,? *****SOMBRERO VER THE RAINBOW****

Knock knock. Who's there? A cow. A cow who? Not a cow "who"! A cow moos. An owl says "who".

Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell technician.

Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup........ MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [Works best IRL](/spoiler)

Knock knock... "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Control Freak now you say 'Control Freak who?'" :)

Knock Knock... 1.Knock knock. Whos there? Yoda lady. Yoda lady who? Good job yodeling! 2.Knock knock. Whos there? Well, not your parents, because your parents never knock!

Knock knock... Who's there? I did up. I did up who?

Knock, Knock... Who's there? Peas. Peas who? *Peas pass the butter*

Knock, Knock... Who's there? The K.G.B. The K.G.B. wh... **SLAP**! WE are K.G.B., WE will ask questions!!

Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Whos there? Control Freak. Con Okay, now you say, Control Freak who?

Like most people my age... I'm 27.

Linuxmint 13 or 15 question why does 13 have lts and not newer versions?

Makeup beauty Omg = oh my girl so cute next morning without makeup Omg = ohh My God omg/omg = life without wife

Mary had a little lamb. She's not a vegan anymore.

Math problem: I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now? "Oh, I do not know, DIABETES MAYBE!"

Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.

Mints I was eating mint chocolates and I felt sick after eight.

Mom asked if I wanted to race toy cars with my neighbor Chucky. I responded, "Nah, that's child's play."

More retailers should adopt the "Leave A Penny / Take A Penny" system. It is literally, common cents.

My "go to" zoo joke I tell this to my wife and kids every time we go to a zoo... Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A. Elephino

My biggest problem with passive smoking is having to follow the smoker around.

My brother said he's incontinent. Yeah, he said he's wet his pants in nearly every nation in the world.

My brother... Likes driving black and white F1 race cars. They call him the F1 racist.

My Bucket List * ~~Five gallon bucket~~ * ~~Mop bucket~~ * Bucket hat

My buddy said he'd give his right arm to be ambidextrous I can only admire such dedication.

My buddy says he is the world's worst at self deprecating humor. he worried once he was too modest. Then realized he was wrong.

My buddy the hacker took the quiz "What Beatles song best describes your life." The answer he got: "My Way".

My buddy went to a foreign country to get his sex change operation. Now he's a dude who's abroad.

My dad's not an alcoholic... ...He just collects empty bottles, sounds so much better, doesn't it? ~ Stewart Francis

My daughter hit me with this one while preparing for dinner Why did the table love playing volleyball? Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.

My dental hygienist retired after working 55 years... All she got was a lousy plaque...

My dog chewed up my laptop... I guess he wanted a byte to eat! ^imagine ^this ^in ^zoidberg's ^voice

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified.

My finger became really swollen after I jammed it Friday. And thats how I found out Im allergic to jam.

My first job... My first job out of college was a "diesel fitter" at a pantyhose factory... As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "Yep, deez'll fit her!"

My first joke here and an original! Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree? I heard it was a pretty shady business.

My friend gave me a balloon and told me not to pop it.. but I blew it!

My friend says she's doing good but she means well

My friend told an out of place joke about police searches. But I don't think it was warranted.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

My girl asks why I love chocolate so much. Well, I have several Reisens...

My Girlfriend told me she didn't want anything for Birthday I didn't give her anything :O #ThugLife

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer... I said, No, wait! I can change!

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all of her musical instruments.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now hes 97 years old and we have no idea where he is...

My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says "Your password is incorrect", I type in: "incorrect" and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.

My old roommate's bathroom was so dirty I had to clean the soap before using it. (Seriously.)

My plumber finally quit on me... He couldn't take any more of my crap. Sorry that this isn't a CLEAN joke. Heh

My relationship is like Monopoly. She gives me too many Chances.

My shower had a bit of mildew but all it took was a little... scrubbing!!!

My son decided to help me clean the car today. After ten minutes of watching him, I told him to use some elbow grease. Two hours later, the idiot came back and told me that he couldn't find it.

My teacher's nickname in school is Flush. He always has the same suit.

My uncle wanted to give all his sheep a sex change... But it entailed too many ramifications!

Need help While scratching my ear with key few hours ago, audio on my brand new TV went off. Does anyone know good TV Service. Sh... I think my Laptop sound died too.

Never play poker with a pieces of paper. They're bound to fold.

Never trust an atom They make up everything

Never try to kill a termite with a napkin. It'll only get bigger.

New Internet acronym: RALSHMICOMN Rolling Around Laughing So Hard Milk Is Coming Out My Nose

Nickelback walks into a bar.... So Nickelback walks into a bar, and there is no punchline, because ruining music isn't funny.

No matter how much you push the envelope... ...it's still stationery.

No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand. It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!

Noah wasn't much for civilized society . . . You could say he was an arc ist.

Note for Santa Dear Santa, Please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.

Old Chinese proverb: Man who not shower in 7 days makes one reek.

Old game show bloopers...I miss this kind of humor today Found this video randomly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv3gK2bmkAk&feature=related

One Eskimo said to the other, "Where is your mother from?" The second Eskimo says "Alaska."

One fifth of people... ...are just too tense!

One potato asks another: "Are you sure we are related?" "Yes I yam!"

One time we ran out of soap so we had to use hand sanitizer!!!

One time, a cow saved my life It was bovine intervention.

Original physics joke. I'm very proud. I was organizing my desk the other day and the Entropy Police gave me a ticket for disturbing the chaos.

Other uses for chloroform 1) A great conversational piece when talking to the cops about using it 2) Make the day go by faster 3) And finally, as a reagent.

Overheard: Augustus Caesar on New Year's Day: "I keep writing 'B.C.' on all my checks."

Overheated some milk in a lab experiment today... ...and asked the teacher if it would affect the result. Her response? "To a degree."

Pac Man What should you do before you criticize Pac Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes.

Passwords 123456 abcdef Password

People dont like having to bend over to get their drinks... We really need to raise the bar.

Pick up line for a Shakespeare lover. How now brown chicken brown cow?

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer (No idea) Q: What do you call a quadriplegic deer with no eyes? A: Still, no eye deer. (Still no idea)

Q) What do you call a group of 8 rabbits? A) Rabbyte!

Q)What will you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative? A) NapKin

Reinventing Yourself http://dryinginside.blogspot.com/2012/10/reinventing yourself doesnt always work.html

Request: Jokes for the sick? I have a good friend who was just hospitalized, hopefully nothing too serious. I'd love to send him a few short, clean jokes to cheer him up. Thanks!

Saitama tried to change his Facebook password to Goku but Facebook said it was too weak...

Santa keeps his suits in the clauset.

Says she: "Say something soft and sweet" Says he: "Marshmallow."

Scary Halloween Joke **Person 1:** Knock knock! **Person 2:** Who's there? **Person 1:** A GHOST!!!

Schooner or later, sailors... ...engage in rudder nonsense.

Science joke The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here" He orders a drink A Tachyon walks into a bar Who wants to hear a Tachyon joke?

Science Jokes Thread on AskReddit! For your amusement: http://en.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1auxsf/what are some funny scientific jokes that you know/

Seven days without a joke makes one weak.

Shall I tell you the joke about the body snatchers? Best not, you might get carried away.

Shout out to... ...baseball players who have three strikes.

So a polar bear walks into a bar... and says, "I'll have a gin.....and tonic" The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?" And the polar bear says, "Oh, I've always had them."

So I was feeling down the other day... My friend wanted to cheer me up, so he told me 10 jokes to make me feel better. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

So I work in a Steak House and all the people there are really lazy So I must say after working there: That it's rare to see a job well done

So today is Earth day on what grounds are we celebrating?

So today is Star Wars day May the fourth be with you!

So, a guy gave his friend 10 puns, hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

So, I have this new knock knock joke You start... (when you get it)

Soap addiction I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now!!

Some people have trouble sleeping... ...but I can do it with my eyes closed...

Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road... ...that's the word on the street anyway.

Someone sly sheared sleeping sheep. Talk about shear terror.

Someone talked to me today about having two X chromosomes. Typical woman.

Sports: So how's the shoestring game goin'? Right now, it's ***ALL TIED UP!*** Oh my oh my! I couldn't find a cornylamejokes subreddit, so... ~Skip

Starcraft: Why did the marine vote for the dragoon? He was Protoss

Superman and Eyore had a baby. The baby's name? Supereyore

Tasted the best Borscht ever! It'll be hard to beet.

The cheesiest joke ever. "I don't feel grate." Block of Cheese before it got shredded.

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza store... and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

The fast food restaurant for babies. "Welcome to Gerber King, may I take your order?"

The Fine Bros. 'React' announcement was like a television with no antenna. Poor reception.

The Great Yarn Race **Joe:** Did you hear about the great yarn race? **Jane:** No. Who won? **Joe:** Well, they had to weave their selves through the obstacles and in the end, it was a tie.

The hairdresser's oath First, harm no 'do...

The hole in the boat So two guys steal a boat and get drunk. Kane of them goes "Hey, there is a hole in this boat". The other says "don't worry it's not ours".

The joke of 2016 Trump

The only one of its kind on this sub Want to hear a dirty joke? horse fell in the mud!

The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?''

The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it... "darn it..." I muttered.

The pollen count that's a difficult job! [Credit to Milton Jones]

The preacher today used Star Wars as a sermon illustration. I felt it was a little forced.

The scientists a scientist went to a remote island with a dog in order to teach his speaking. Three years later, the scientist returns, and is asked about his experiment; he replied "woof, woof, woof"

The signature dish of a restaurant called the Twisted Rooster: Mobius Chicken Strips.

The three unwritten rules of /r/cleanjokes are: 1. 2. 3.

The victim's body was found in the kitchen surrounded by eight empty boxes of cornflakes. Police suspect it was the work of a serial killer.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary code and those who do not.

There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

There are two types of people in this world 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together... They're called velcrows.

There once was a girl from Nantucket... Who carried her ice in a bucket. She walked down a hill. She had a great spill. And when she got up, she said, "I'm going to watch my step next time!"

There once was a jealous zombie... But he ate his heart out.

There was a depressed sausage... he thought his life was THE WURST.

There were two flies sitting on a toilet seat... one got pissed off.

There were two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other... Can you smell Carrots?

There's 10 kind of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.

There's a guy at the office today wearing full camo. At least I think so... I haven't seen him in a while.

There's a TV channel where you can buy all the Pope's speeches It's called "Papal View".

There's a wreath hanging on my door with hundred dollar bills attached. I call it an Aretha Franklin. c:

There's only one problem with reading articles about space based technology It all goes waaaay over my head.

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, no ones laughing now.

They told me I had type "A" blood... turns out it was a typo.

This boy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, Is that a fret?

This dermatologist waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder... She's reluctant to make a rash decision.

This is 2 girls with 1 cup. [A.K.A. Friends At (a) Cafe Bar](http://www.gettyimages.com/detail/photo/friends at cafe bar high res stock photography/156534295)

This is an X and Z conversation... Y are you in the middle?

This mallard waddled into a bar... Should've ducked.

This Post just says it all! It all.

This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. Demetri Martin

Three drums and a cymbal rolled down a hill ba dum dum ching

Three tomatoes are walking down the street... A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato starts falling behind so the papa tomato squishes him and says, Ketchup!

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like... bananas!

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Today I'm 45. But with the wind chill I feel like 32.

Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from.

Today's my cake day! And I'm going to eat it too!

Totally original joke/first post: What do you get when you play a Frank Sinatra record at twice the speed? "Shrank Sinatra"

TV playback craziness [Through the eyes of Adrienne Hedger](https://www.facebook.com/HedgerHumor/photos/pb.630201143662377. 2207520000.1443863939./1179935295355623/?type=3&theater). :)

Two antennas met on a roof . . . Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married, the ceremony was awful but the reception was brilliant.

Two artists had an art contest... It ended in a draw

Two atoms walk into a bar... One says, "Oh no, I've lost an electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Two balloons are floating across the desert One balloon says to the other, Look out for the cactussssssssssssssssssss!

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One bird says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

Two bookworms were having a dispute... ...across an open book until one bookworm moves closer to the other and says, "well then, I'm glad we're on the same page."

Two chimps are in the bath One says "ooh oooh eek eek" The other one says "well put some cold water in then!"

Two competing podiatrists opened offices next door to each other... They were arch enemies. Edit: Spelling

Two dogs are going on a walk down the street They walk past a few parking meters and one dog says to the other, "Hey, check it out! Pay toilets!"

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum tss

Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank... First one says: I'll drive! Second one says: "I'll man the guns!"

Two fish in a tank Fish 1:Uh, Greg? Fish 2:What Fish 1:How do we drive this thing

Two fish in a tank. [x post from r/Jokes] One asks: How do you drive this thing?

Two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" Says the first. "Moo!" says the second

Two peanuts were walking down the street.... And one of them was assaulted

Two pretzels.. Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was "assaulted"

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts make a right. And two Wrights make a plane 6 lefts make a plane.

Velcro What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine.

Wanna hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white stallions fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a joke about Nitric Oxide ? NO

Wanna hear a joke about unemployed people? Nevermind, they don't work.

Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke joke jooooke!

Want to hear a clean Joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty one? Bubbles is a man

Want to hear a dirty joke? This boy trips and falls into some mud.

Want to hear a joke about a crappy restaurant? Nevermind, I'm afraid it may be in poor taste.

Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it is too cheesy.

Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it's probably too cheesy.

Was going to make a joke about science but I know for I wont get a reaction...

Wash the alligator clips with rubbing alcohol during flu season Protect yourself from catching a terminal illness.

We always bought our cars used, this one was as black as the night that is, until we washed it!!!

We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

We now have TWO Wawa's by the interstate. The one on the east side of I4 is not so bad. But the other one, whoa. It's the Wawa West over there.

What age were pigs discovered in? The Saus Age.

What animal is best at hitting a baseball? A bat!

What are caterpillars afraid of? DOGerpillars!

What are twins favorite fruits? Pears

What are two doctors with colds An ironic Paradox.

What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter? envelope

What bird can write underwater? A ball point Penguin!

What cars do cows drive? Cattleacs

What cars do wolves drive? Auuuuuuuuuuuuudis!

What celebrity never payed with a cheque or credit? Johnny Cash.

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree? Camembert!

What city loves to eat sandwiches? Koldcutta

What colour T shirt would win a race? Red, because it runs the most.

What di you call a snowman in may? A puddle!

What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!

What did aged mother cheddar say to her son the day of school photos? Looking sharp.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say upon being asked to star in a Broadway production about the world's greatest composers? I'll be Bach. Sorry.

What did batman say to robin before robin got in the car? get in the car

What did Captain Ahab say when he harpooned a whale's tail fin on the first try? "Well that was a fluke."

What did Cholera say to Malaria? Are you gonna Jaundice on Saturday?

What did Cinderella say while waiting for her photos? Someday my prints will come

What did daddy fish do when mommy fish got herself lost? ...He flounder

What Did Delaware? A brand New Jersey!

What did Descartes say while shopping online? I think therefore I Amazon

What did earth say to the other planets? You guys have no life!

What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice cream? Sure, Bert!

What did fish say when she hit the wall ? Dam(n) !!!

What did music tell the pancakes? B flat.

What did one casket say to the other? "Is that you coffin?"

What did one computer CPU say to the other after getting hit? Ow! That megahertz!

What did one dry erase marker say to the other? I'm bored! (As in board) Another one from my 9 year old.

What did one duck say to the other? Quack!

What did one frog say to the other frog? Time's fun when you're having flies.

What did one frog say to the other? Time's fun when you're having flies.

What did one math book say to the other math book? We've got a lot of problems.

What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me; I've got my own *problems!*

What did one nose say when the other nose said "I love you"? "Back achoo!"

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved.

What did one octopus say to the other octopus? Will you hold my hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?

What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess? "It's stale, mate."

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? 'Do you smell carrots?'

What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?

What did one wall say to the other wall? I`ll meet you at the corner.

What did papa butter say to troublesome son butter? You had *butter* behave now, alright son? I sure know you don't want to get *whipped*!

What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head? I blame my shelf

What did socrates learn from the T rex? i dino

What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.

What did the 0 say to the 8? ... Hey, nice belt..

What did the 0 say to the 8? Let's make a snowman!

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

What did the 8 say to the 0? Hey, fatty

What did the amazed Kazakhstani say? That's Astana shing

What did the American call Karl Marx when a shrine was dedicated to him in Japan? A Kami.

What did the apple say to the pear? [Man, go] away!

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables? You better not try to start anything.

What did the blonde do when she discovered that most accidents happen within a mile from home? She moved.

What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes! *knee slap* ... I'll see myself to the door

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison

What did the Buffalo say when his child left for college? Bison

What did the bunny say to the frog? [My name is Rabbit, not ribbit!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYkDxsaHlkg)

What did the butcher say when he handed his customer an empty pack of hotdogs on halloween? Happy halloweenie

What did the closed can say to the half opened can? YOU'RE BEING UNCANNY!

What did the corn say when it was complemented? Aww, shucks!

What did the creepy scientist say to his new creepy wife? Let's grow MOLD together!

What did the dad buffalo say when his offspring left for college? Bison

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? "Look grandpa, no hands!"

What did the elephant say to the horn less rhino? "Rhino horn?"

What did the Estonian student say in language class? I'll never Finnish. *dodges tomato*

What did the eye say to the other eye? Something smells between us.

What did the famous musician say the moment he was born? *I'LL BE BACH*

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?

What did the figurine say when the boot flew past her protective dome? "That was a cloche call!"

What did the fish say before he hit the wall? Oh, Dam.

What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Dam

What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam

What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.

What did the fish say when it ran into the wall? Dam

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam.

What did the flat iron say to the follicle? Now let me get this straight . . .

What did the floor say to the desk? I can see your drawers!

What did the french butter say when it got stocked in the cooler? Beurre... I came up with this today while grocery shopping. I'm ridiculously pleased with myself.

What did the German air force eat for breakfast during WW2? Luftwaffles

What did the German physicist use to drink his beer? Ein stein. From Big Nate, as told by my kid.

What did the German policeman say to his nipples? You are under a vest!

What did the g**** say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just gave a little wine

What did the green g**** say to the purple g****? "Breathe, stupid!"

What did the green g**** say to the purple g****? "Breathe you idiot! Breathe!"

What did the green light say to the red light? I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.

What did the hammer say to the drill? You're too boring.

What did the horse order at the bar? Chardaneiiiiiiggghhhhh

What did the horse say when he fell over? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up."

What did the host serve his guests for The Simpsons marathon night? Disco Stew!

What did the hot dogs name their child? Frank

What did the Hungarian say to the annoying kid? "You're nothing budapest!"

What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

What did the knob say to the door? I LOCK you a lot! yep, its corny, indeed, but... I'm tryin'! ~Skip

What did the koala bear say to the barber? You ca lip this?

What did the lazy surgeon say to his patient? Suture self!

What did the llama say when asked to a picnic? Alpaca lunch!

What did the mailman say when his Mail truck caught fire? That he needed to address the situation

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? (x post from /r/3amjokes) [It's pasture bedtime!](http://www.reddit.com/r/3amjokes/comments/1y8d67/what did the mama cow say to the baby cow/)

What did the mama pig give her baby pig for its rash? ***OINKMENT!*** > (This exchange that I found on /r/tumblr makes this joke even funnier to me: > http://i.imgur.com/EzT0Bkd.jpg)

What did the mexican firecheif name his kids... Hose A and Hose B

What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes? Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.

What did the neutrino say to the planet? Just passing through

What did the number zero say to the number eight? "Nice belt."

What did the number zero say to the number eight? Nice Belt

What did the O say to the 8? Nice belt.

What did the one wall say to the other wall? "Meet you at the corner"

What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire? "I'm getting the fudge outta here!"

What did the owner of the Indian restaurant say when he burned all of his bread? "Don't worry, it's a naan issue."

What did the pebble say to the rock? I wish I was a little boulder!

What did the Pelican say to the fish when he was running late for work? I'll catch you later!

What did the picture say to the Judge? I WAS FRAMED! I just now made that up. I feel good about this one! ~Skip

What did the pony say when he had a sore throat? Pardon me, I'm just a little hoarse.

What did the priest say when watering his garden? Let us spray.

What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired? Oh snap!

What did the slab of meat say when it was covered in salt and left out to dry? "I'm cured!"

What did the space between two tiles say? I AM GROUT

What did the tailpipe say to the muffler? I'm exhausted. What did the muffler say back? ^mmmmbfmbm

What did the three holes in the ground say? Well, well, well My grandpa's favorite joke. Took me five years to get it.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Curses! Foil again!

What did the topic sentence say to the evidence? Why aren't you supporting me?

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.

What did the Triangle say to the Circle? "Your life is pointless."

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack, quack, quack."

What did the wall ask the picture? (All together now!) ***"How's it hangin'?"*** ~Skip

What did the zero say to the eight? nice belt

What did they call the Pillsbury Doughboy after he hurt his leg? Limp Biscuit

What did Vincent van Gogh call himself when he joined the Justice League? The Starry Knight

What did Virginia get when she walked into the pet shop? (state joke) A New Hampshire

What do beef hearts smell like? Honey.

What do call a horse that lives near you? A naybor

What do call a horse that lives near you? A neighbor (naybor for pessimist horses)

What do caves have? Echosystems. From my 9 year old.

What do cows do for fun? They go to the mooooo vies.

What do cows like on their hotdogs? MOOstard.

What do cows like to put on their hot dogs? moostard

What do ducks do at Christmas time? They duckerate cookies.

What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars