BASEketball (1998) Soundboard Edit

A Beers clothing line.

A long time ago, I didn't have anybody.

A salute to our South Sea neighbors: Viva Calypso!

A stunned crowd of over 18,000 witnessing the Beers...

A team that defied the critics, a team that...

According to Angelique Bones, a nosy bitch who lives up the street,

All part of the great fall line up on Who Gives a Rat's Ass Thursdays.

Alright, guys, we've got one out left.

Alright. Check this shit out!

America will go crazy.

And 20 weeks of psychiatric care free of charge. Like it should be.

And a homerun's behind the meatballs. Take your shot, guy!

And all of our hearts...

And meets the right one and forgets about baseketball altogether...

And the next year, and the year after that.

And Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year.

And vile exploitation of children.

And your girlfriend thinks you suck

Another psych out.

Another psych out. I'm not going out with his sister.

Apparently, not total losers. We're pretty good at basketball

As the Beers have come roaring back since the break.

At a time like this

Back in the driveway we were nothing.

Bottom of the 9th. Dallas 16, Milwaukee 14.

But not that pussy ass two on two you guys play in the suburbs

But you're throwing it all away.

By Coop Cooper

Can we talk over there? Pig fucker? Can I call you that?

Can you break a 20? What? Dollars? I didn't think so!

Can you hear me on this? Yeah, check it out.

Celebrated the human potential

Certainly out of me.

Come on, Joey

Come on, kids!

Come on, let's do it! What do we always say?

Come on, Reggie! Hit another homerun! Coop, he's already hit two.

Cool!

Coop getting ready to take his shot.

Coop, the ball is in your court

Coop's here!

Coop's on third, with two down. That brings up Squeak Scolari.

Denslow gave me the team. I already told Cain no.

Driving an American car, sharing a house with 2 other guys,

Dude, quit thinking about yourself! Dude, I'm not gonna cave in!

Dude!

Dude!

From a tiny seed, nurtured, as always,

From Beers Garden, where the Felons have defeated the Milwaukee Beers.

Get outta here!

Go ahead, don't be shy. Open it. I think you'll find it interesting.

Good luck next year. Oh, thanks!

Hardly. He did it by moving to L.A. Know how much he makes now?

He took only a toothbrush, a wallet, a steamer trunk

He's hanging in his closet

He's hit for the cycle already 7 times tonight.

Hello!

Here. I brought this for you.

Here's a photograph taken just days before his disappearance

Hey, Pete! What's the matter with Coop tonight?

Hi there. I'm Dan Patrick. And I'm Kenny Mayne.

Home run! Coop ties it up.

How to speak San Franciscan.

Hurry up, Coop. I just gotta water the plants.

I brought this for you!

I don't know anymore. Jenna, wait! You've gotta believe us!

I don't know, but he smells like Christian Slater.

I don't want them to be hurt. Jenna,

I gotta go.

I Joe Cooper. I mean, I'm Joe Cooper. Wait, put on a hard hat!

I know 6 men on their board.

I know this is a dark time for you, but I'd like your thoughts on what happened tonight.

I tried to get Coop to agree to changes that would make you millions

I wish there was something I could do.

I'd better get these kids back. Little Travis is getting impatient.

I'm giving it all I've got, Captain!

I'm happy to finally play here in the fine city of Miami.

I'm trying to save a life

I've been the director of the Dream Come True Foundation since October.

If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out,

If the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta

If you get this guy, we're in.

If you know what I mean. I know exactly what you mean

In all my years of calling games I've never been this excited.

In this room!

Into the ancient cowboy's weathered face. 'Can you help her? '

It all comes down to just one man.

It's about tradition.

It's all pretty sweet, but since Denslow's been gone,

It's because of them and us that I can't bow down to a guy like Cain.

It's off the rim...

It's so good, it makes me wanna sing

It's up to you to let them know it was some rich guy's evil plan

It's when you're down that you gotta get up.

Jenna, wait!

Joey! I'm here for you, dude!

Joining us this evening, big fan of baseketball, Tony Nocciolino,

Just like Joe Cooper.

Just take me to 7 1 1...

Killing an endangered species, like a bald eagle

Ladies and gentlemen,

Last chance...

Look what I brought you.

Made that look easy!

Man, it's late. We've got a game tonight and you've got that big liver operation.

Man! Dude, we win the game! A sweet psyche out. Here's another one!

Me? Millions? Now listen carefully.

Miss Reed, it's the Denslow Cup!

Mrs. Denslow? Baxter Cain. May I? Of course.

Newman's try...

Nice, but Coop's gonna hit 3 home runs for me. Great, Joey.

Nice. You want me to start on this one?

No, it isn't.

No!

No! So another baseketball championship is in the books.

Now shooting, number 17, Doug Sir Swish Remer!

Now we've risen to the highest level,

Oh, God!

Oh, he's fine. He came through the operation with flying colors.

Oh, Jesus!

On the strength of a Dirk Jansen psych out.

One thinks about a team that conquered adversity, overcame the odds,

Our funding's been cut. They're gonna close the foundation.

Please direct your attention to the Malaka Laka Balance Board of Trust,

Reggie Jackson.

Rejoiced in their Denslow Cup victory in downtown Dallas.

Remember I said dreams come true. Well, they don't.

Remer on 2nd, Scolari on 3rd.

Remer...

Representing their white colonial oppressors:

Right here.

Scenario 2: Coop went to Disney World.

Shirts have a shot at the conversion.

Shut your mouth!

Sorry, but if you want unanimous consent, get it from one of the other owners.

Sorry. I didn't mean to come here and ruin your big night...

Squeak Scolari crosses the plate again

Stand up for yourself

Stop it! Money grubber! Powermonger!

Take your victory lap. As they skate off,

Tell him he's fat. That's not cool.

Than giant billboards

Thank you, Mr. Cain.

That could mean extra innings.

That might increase the owners' profits.

That one who added to herself makes two.

That such a terrific human being like Joe Cooper has returned.

That's nice! This could almost seal it.

That's not fair!

That's the spirit! Are you with me?

That's why it kills me to see you like this.

The Beers up by two, but the Dealers are only one out.

The Beers win a spot in the play offs on a psych out by Squeak Scolari.

The billionaire? Yes.

The cutest little upturned nose,

The Denslow Cup is the biggest game of the season

The Felons win their 2nd consecutive Denslow Cup

The ideal of sportsmanship

The late Beers owner seemed to be the only one surprised by his death.

The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles, where there are no lakes.

The owner still has not stepped forward.

The softest lips, the sweetest Adam's apple..

Then Oakland would play L.A. And Pittsburgh.

There was some terrorist attack on the post op ward. Terrorists?

There's a sinking feeling inside

These are for you, Jenna

They'd really rather have your autograph.

This guy ate a lot of pork!

This has been so fun. I feel like I'm gonna puke all over the bar.

This is awful! It means the end of the foundation. It's not endowed

This is more like the Beers team we've seen all season.

This is really emotional. Should we just cry?

This isn't good. Do the authorities know?

This should keep you warm.

Until Joey grows up,

Update: The disappearance of the Milwaukee Beers baseketball star.

Vanished.

Want a beer?

We decide where to make this stuff cheap.

We don't need Coop. I'll lead you to victory.

We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace.

We hope you enjoy your stay in lovely Calcutta.

We own the team!

We playing or not?

We prefer to think of them as health and survival impaired.

We should. We won the game, got friends, we've got everything!

We wouldn't miss it. I don't remember putting you on the guest list.

We'll do a big media blitz. Don't worry. Coop will come around.

We'll drink every time a fight breaks out.

We're all gonna die. Yeah, but not this week.

We're going to be voting next week on some changes in baseketball's rules.

We've got your back.

Well, I'd love to discuss this further with you.

What a game these fans are seeing!

What an unfortunate thing to happen on Dozen Egg Night.

What do girls want anyway?

What do you want, dude? What do you think?

What is it, Joey?

What Joey really needs to know is: Where will you be next year?

What the hell's going on? You guys are lying down out there!

What, dude? You're gonna be fine.

What? Dude...

What? Are you insane? This is my job, you assholes!

What're you doing in my mom's room?

Who's he? My entertainment lawyer for my movie contract

Wow, A LA Z BOY! Yeah, I made it myself.

Yeah, but...

Yeah, let the tears come. You're gonna make me start crying.

Yeah, the kids will be excited. Especially little Joey.

Yes, Mr. Denslow?

Yet another opportunity lost for the Beers.

You all own part of the team, too. Really? You do that for us?

You don't care about Jenna!

You getting this?

You guys got something better? This new game we picked up in the hood.

You guys up for a little game? Sure.

You have only to look at this board,

You like Taco Bell.

You oughta get this guy.

You want us to play for Dallas?

You're asking me to go against every reason we created this game.

You're right. We have over 100 million people tuned in to see this game.

You've got crumbs on your upper lip.

9th inning.

...good!

'Cause you're a piece of shit. I am not.

'I repair cows, not people. '

[music plays against credits]