Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Season 2 Edit

A bee climbing up a mountain.

A bottom half half kid after you!

A Celebration of Courage sponsored by

A chocolate fountain?

A coaster's the only place no one looks at you weird.

A contortionist with the Korean national circus.

A crazy man snatched you and locked you up.

A crazy man snatched you and locked you up.

A dissociative fugue?

A drug trial?

A Dutch passport.

A forum to advocate

A friend of mine who once put too much stuff in his closet,

A functioning oven.

A Furby!

A geisha? Seriously?

A good guy who's faithful and honest

A gorgeous divorcée

A Grammy party?

A guy who really understands what I went through.

A huge... what you said.

A kid could draw this!

A little of what I owe you.

A man who pretended to be Indian

A moment ago, you were quite upset.

A nanny or a driver

A Need for Pede?

A New York philanthropist can be missing many things...

A nursery rhyme too slowly!

A one man show,

A parrot that I taught to say, Russ is cool.

A peplum?

A pepper saying, Hot stuff?

A performance space?

A person can outgrow a kimono. It happens all the time.

A plan? Please.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister?

A prince? What prince?

A quarter? What's a quarter?

A rat fell from the ceiling when they took the picture.

A Sam Goody credit card.

A shirts required swimming pool?

A sign,

A standard policy against fire, theft, orgy mist, and class war.

A sweatshop that manufactures iPhone notification sounds.

A terrible movie was something like

A toenail if it's winter?

A totally normal reaction to being grabbed

A video that you've got to watch right away.

A Wall Street fella could really kill a lady in here.

A wedding invitation from the Van Rensselaer twins.

A well into which you can pour your emotional water.

A while, because it's not just rehab.

A wireless network? Who has wiffee around here?

A wonderful box of capes that I saw

A world of infinite Kimmys.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Oh

About a father's love for his infant son.

About anything.

About his dumb, punchable head than my own...

About how much money you have,

About how you control your temper like that.

About running for office?

About something at work.

About the most scintillating subject on God's gray earth.

About the neighborhood among Internet havers.

About which part?

About working here.

About you being the boss of you.

Abraham Lincoln, potassium,

Absolutely not. But thank you, Kimmy.

According to recent CDC numbers,

Achoo.

Actually, I have seen some stuff.

Actually, I read the average American family

Actually, I would like to talk

Actually, if the Lenape had invested that money

Actually, in the bunker...

Actually, it's barbecue potato chips.

Actually, Kimmy, I don't need help with Buckley.

Actually, Kimmy, you should know, Lance is a super gay name.

Actually, Ms. White, I don't want to work for you anymore.

Actually, Sonja's at her Bikram hot yogurt class,

Actually, that's a very good excuse.

Actually, they're marrying each other.

Addict.

Adored...

Affected your current relationships?

After all these years, I still haven't thrown away

After hours speakeasy behind that door.

After I caught him wrecking your toilet!

After Mikey and I choose to be gay a couple of times,

After our shift, let's go to the bar at the Ramada.

After Pilates Stella McCartney vegan ankle boot bánh mì detox?

After scraping his sperm off an airplane toilet.

After that,

After the Mento didn't work.

After the way I treated you, I was like Cher in Clueless

After what we went through, the four of us are sisters.

Again with the bunker.

Again, your decision.

Against the Dolphins in '69.

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah, come on.

Ah, don't apologize to me.

Ah, Sonja.

Ah, the cover, is a, uh...

Ah, what seems to be troubling you?

Ah, what? Come on, let's not...

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! See?

Ah.

Ah.

Ahh!

Ahh! How is this fun?

Ahn drea.

Ain't nobody looking at that wooden box.

Airbrush a hot chick on the back of my truck.

Airbrushed clothes,

All burps smell bad.

All by myself!

All fun. Period.

All gay people know how to arrange flowers.

All good plans do.

All gray and wrinkly and everyone hates me?

All I know is, I got what I came here for.

All I want is not to be deported. That's it.

All I want is to be the daughter

All I'm asking for is a chance to get my life back on track.

All of them!

All right, enough already.

All right, just take the painting

All right, Kimmy, today is a big day, so we need to move quickly.

All right, let me use your phone.

All right, let's get to the matter at hand.

All right, let's go.

All right, thank you so much, but please don't do that.

All right, Turtles!

All right, you got ice cream.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Love you too.

All that free food if you just pretend you're part of the crew?

All that walking here for nothing.

All the better

All the gay types...

All the other bugs.

All while running the risk that he forgets

All with your husband Dong.

All you got to do is pay the lawyer

All you got to do is say you're giving the painting back

All you.

Aloha.

Alone with Buckley

Alphonse, who almost invented the raisin.

Alphonse...

Also success, birds, escalators...

Also, I'm not gonna pay this lawyer.

Also, iTunes suspended my account,

Also, the cartoon Anastasia is about me.

Also, try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.

Also, we had the name first.

Also, we made love there a bunch.

Always take your phone and charger.

Always.

Always.

Am I allowed to tell anyone?

Am I really gonna have to say this out loud to you?

Am I the only person in this city

Am I using that right?

Am... Am I missing something here?

Amazing.

Amen.

Amen.

Amish boys on Rumspringa, and So Ahn,

Among hipsters and Pentecostal elders.

Among the techniques I used:

Amtrak... is for lovers.

An eye, a leg...

An ostrich can run 30 miles an hour.

And 12 is the spoo ookiest number,

And a happy person values their needs.

And a little weird, like a bunny with human teeth.

And a refrigerator full of spoiled wedding shrimp.

And all our stepdads.

And all that wasted mental energy has to go somewhere.

And all the other rich men with WASPy names.

And all this week

And all you're doing is lying...

And also sell their hair.

And also, yeah.

And an employee named LaDonica said to me,

And as soon as I stopped making those jokes,

And be all, Good God, Niles!

And before you say anything, it's not Ms. White's fault.

And being set on fire by prep school kids.

And break dancing in the cemetery.

And Buckley initially tried to Alien his way out of me.

And claw your way to the top, and I thought,

And cooking together and having a big, shaggy dog,

And dance and laugh,

And destroy our memories without a fight...

And didn't realize it?

And didn't want to move them,

And dinner was spelled with a U.

And divined a power so explosive,

And do something rough.

And do the harvest super special important dance.

And do you, Ronald Ephen Wilkerson,

And don't even get me started on that peristalsis of yours.

And don't stay stuff like theater,

And drawing smiley faces on pieces of paper I give to them.

And dream of when I am divorced in two years.

And enlightenment.

And everyone's gonna be there.

And face hider, Sia.

And fanny means chooch!

And finally a two week surf camp

And find the Founder at the comedy club he manages.

And furthermore...

And get Julian's father's slave auction paddle.

And get pregnant.

And get the jewelry from the safe.

And giving a final Later, gator

And going to the Jim... (CLEARS THROAT)

And handcuffed to a bulldozer.

And has blond hair

And having to chew my own haircuts,

And he didn't even spend the night.

And he died of heatstroke.

And he goes, Oh, 'cause I need ten foot rebar.

And he left me on that dance floor, alone,

And he needs me to turn on Ms. White's coffeemaker.

And he only did that 'cause he likes you.

And he still leaves?

And he thought I was a soldier too.

And he was a joke.

And he's got a picture of his mom in his wallet.

And he's got nothing to show for it.

And he's having, like, nine surgeries.

And he's still in there somewhere.

And her job is crying and telling people she's a Mole Woman.

And here I am because of the news.

And his BlackBerry.

And his hands are where his feet should be.

And his name...

And his record button to edit it.

And how come?

And how did that make you feel?

And how he didn't wear pants?

And how long have you had the mustache, Bob?

And how to catch Gérard Depardieu's urine in an ice bucket.

And how's Brandon?

And I absolutely underestimated Deirdre.

And I almost got Man Struggling With Regular Pot

And I almost let him.

And I am not doing that sober,

And I am the best to be around.

And I apologized.

And I bought it to prove how serious I am

And I brought my own neck hooks.

And I came from Jamaica, now.

And I can control things with my mind

And I can't because of my weird shaped head,

And I can't circle the block without you in the car.

And I can't even enjoy how grown up that sounds.

And I can't even get it.

And I can't help my friend.

And I can't take on a project like that

And I can't tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.

And I could hear the crowd applaud.

And I do digital outreach for South by Southwest.

And I do have to stay out of the apartment

And I don't know what your problem is.

And I don't step on cracks,

And I found out about it in the worst way possible:

And I gave my ticket to a girl who got to be on the news

And I gave the geniuses all my money

And I happen to respect tradition.

And I have become her Eupolis.

And I have to listen and listen.

And I hit back.

And I just have to accept that.

And I know exactly how and when.

And I know exactly who you are.

And I know I can count on the two of you

And I know it just started, but I am already

And I know it's gonna tighten up one day.

And I know just where to do it.

And I learned it from watching you.

And I love my friend!

And I love telling people to take their pants off and just leaving

And I loved wearing a little hat.

And I need him to behave at the fitting.

And I need you.

And I need your cane!

And I needs to take a shower.

And I often stand on one leg due to a plantar's wart.

And I once had to poop in a vacuum.

And I once played a straight corpse

And I once went to a Halloween party

And I plan to make up the difference.

And I returned to my village

And I sat in the shower all night with you

And I sat on the pie to cover it up, okay?

And I see here that you're no longer on Mr. Voorhees' plan,

And I should've never abandoned you that way.

And I sprinkled rose petals on the bed.

And I swore that if I ever found my voice,

And I think we've made some really good progress today.

And I thought it was for Turtle Island,

And I thought we were pathetic.

And I totally learned to whistle!

And I want my bridal jacket back.

And I want my Geena Davis.

And I was all, Hi, I'm a nurse.

And I was alone!

And I was once like you.

And I was recently engaged to what turned out

And I was wearing this when I came in.

And I wish I had been treated better.

And I wish I never met you!

And I would have gotten away with it too.

And I'll do the same for you.

And I'll pay you when I have that kind of money lying around.

And I'll prove it to you.

And I'll prove it.

And I'll see you tonight.

And I'm all about making up for lost time, homeslice.

And I'm all, Welcome to the party, pal!

And I'm broke, so I have to sit there and take it

And I'm cutting the line.

And I'm entitled to that emotion.

And I'm gonna get it all back.

And I'm gonna go to that place I saw on Diners, Drive Ins and Dives.

And I'm gonna make you wish you'd never climbed up there. (UPBEAT MUSIC)

And I'm gonna sue you for 17 years' worth of spousal support,

And I'm guessing this isn't Mrs. Green Card

And I'm like, No, I need ten foot rebar.

And I'm like, No, you can't do that.

And I'm mute.

And I'm not a bummer. I'm fun.

And I'm not a quitter, Kimmy.

And I'm not letting you do this.

And I'm not talking about the time

And I'm real confused.

And I'm right here beside you.

And I'm the old man with the shovel.

And I'm their natural enemy...

And I'm totally gonna cry.

And I've got 12 hours till my test.

And I've got a chimney to dig.

And I've got the souvenir photo to prove it.

And I've got to do this alone.

And I've made some kissing mistakes...

And if I fail, I can't go back home.

And if I'm being honest, it's not the first time

And if it makes you feel better, I can still say things like,

And if it tries to get out, you just lock it up forever,

And if they're gonna save that rec center,

And if we die, we just go back

And if we go to a gay bar, can I get a beer?

And if you do, you can have any sticker you want.

And if you get pried open, you'll die?

And if you were me, you might realize

And if you work super hard,

And in charm idate myself into an appointment.

And in exchange for the trademark, he let them live.

And in that way, he lives forever.

And it ended badly

And it made everything worse.

And it says, Ewe rock!

And it says, Ewe rock!

And it starts with getting her drunk.

And it was extraordinary.

And it was only 1998!

And it wasn't gross to my late husband, Roland.

And it'll be someone even richer than Julian.

And it's all your fault!

And it's coming here through the air.

And it's definitely not about getting presents!

And it's gorgeous.

And it's just one of the many ways they were real smart about stuff.

And it's killing me.

And it's my fault.

And it's not just me. We all do business with Julian Voorhees.

And it's not just the sewer pizza.

And it's not like their thing was all that perfect either.

And it's only a matter of time before I take a weird stand

And it's only been over the phone,

And it's really gross back here.

And it's Thanksgiving.

And it's way too close to where we poop and pee,

And it's wearing a cape?

And just knowing that someone

And Kanye West Spectrum Disorder.

And keep her Instagram updated.

And keep them from using their dumb sheep brain

And Kourtney finally ended her destructive relationship with Scott.

And lately, she can't even wait until dinner.

And laugh and laugh

And laugh at keys

And laugh at what people think is scary.

And leave a good looking corpse in Waikiki.

And let the other nannies know I'm back.

And lived life without regret.

And locked him in a closet over Christmas.

And look at her like she's the only woman in the world.

And look at this book you're reading.

And look,

And look, they must have tennis!

And look, you just made it through the day.

And married a rapper who hates college.

And Mayor Lindsay was giving Florence Henderson crabs

And met a dog.

And Michael Stipe designed.

And Miss Saigon with the New York Jets.

And moves to LA and gets big fake breasts?

And Mrs. Claus is a beautiful and very sexual woman.

And Mrs. Wilkerson claims that you abandoned her

And Murasaki.

And my brother Dom, Jr.,

And my bunion outgrew these

And my dad came in to get a perm.

And my emotion burps don't smell like a kangaroo's pouch

And my hair is like beautiful spaghetti.

And my lease is up

And my mittens got caught,

And my name stands for something cool,

And Napoleon, a very sick parrot.

And none of us are gonna be able to live here.

And not being home for Christmas?

And not just 'cause I can't read Portuguese.

And not just 'cause I dress up in them

And not just because every time you get a drink,

And not just on the toilet pumpkin.

And nothing more.

And now I can't breathe,

And now I get why the reverend had a van.

And now I'm completely broke.

And now I'm thinking about sausage and Total cereal.

And now it's a new day for the new me.

And now it's gone like so many steaming nugs.

And now Little Caesar's pizza pizza pizza side aerial.

And now she's returned in full,

And now that I've got your attention,

And now there's only one thing left to do.

And now we have an arrangement that works.

And now we're...

And now you want another person to feel crummy?

And now you're doing the same thing with this poor guy.

And now you're just gonna leave me?

And now your art.

And now,

And now, I'd like to pay you back

And obviously she listens to him.

And of course, I'm thankful Bobby is back.

And one for coming back tomorrow.

And only care about my own stuff

And people tend to start with the teeth

And probably.

And pull a switcheroo.

And punch her in the face.

And revenge.

And say hello to DJ FingaBlazt.

And say something nice about me

And say, Homey don't play that.

And say, Thank you for your service.

And school is closed for Rupert Murdoch's birthday,

And sending Xan to Connecticut was for her own good

And settle.

And settle.

And she continued to snooze as construction resumed.

And she doesn't even want to hear what I really think,

And she goes, You think this is a date?

And she has to appear.

And she said since you've been traveling,

And she was right.

And she will apologize.

And she's all, You're so grown up.

And she's gonna be sweeter than Mee Maw's shoo fly pie!

And since we tape five shows in a day,

And sitting at the table under the vent.

And so is this.

And some girls will believe it, for, like, 15 years.

And some shame spiraling,

And some sicko will make it for you.

And sometimes I felt like I was moving backwards,

And spit up milk a lot?

And Sting is booked, with a guarantee

And stupid.

And such a nasty little butch boy.

And supposedly one in ten is gay,

And talking forever and never accomplishing anything

And thanks to her, I got my learner's permit.

And that is exactly what we look for

And that made you mad.

And that makes you happy?

And that means gentrification

And that means you don't have to go on a bender.

And that name?

And that painting stays with you.

And that reindeer's name was Rudolph.

And that time is now.

And that's assuming nobody murders you.

And that's just hot,

And that's me giving in to white culture,

And that's not all I know.

And that's okay.

And that's what I want to talk to you about today

And that's when I found Cosmetology.

And that's where the butt is!

And that's why I got you something

And the appropriate reaction to a broken escalator...

And the award for most gullible woman alive goes to...

And the award for understatement of the year goes to...

And the black guy's dead!

And the boys who left this crap behind

And the bunker is not the only thing that defines you.

And the Crabs were a street gang that threw live crabs at people.

And the crashy balls.

And the Durnsville school system

And the eagle takes to flight.

And the fact that you don't care either,

And the first 20 minutes of Interstellar.

And the gold medal for handstands

And the Howson twins kept walking,

And the last time?

And the name is honoring those Native guys.

And the next time I saw them, they had changed.

And the only speaking role he ever got was Corpse Emitting Gases

And the only store I could find open was a Talbots, so...

And the Phillips.

And the Redskins' very first coach was Lone Star Dietz,

And the sheep captain must protect the sheeps

And the silverfish ate all our towels.

And the snowcapped mountains? White.

And the video may have actually raised awareness

And the webchat moderator himself, Masuta69, typed,

And the whole place is just covered in fur.

And their claim to Composition in Burgundy and Gold

And then all that drama you always told me to save for my mama?

And then ask him how he plans to poop it.

And then come through the doors and follow me,

And then cut new face holes in what used to be your neck.

And then get all mad and accuse him of not following instructions.

And then guess what happened.

And then he's like, Can't you put two fives together and just make ten?

And then I ate them.

And then I found this under his pillow.

And then I got a job, I got a boyfriend,

And then I Hansel and Gretel'd myself

And then I'll be a real American and get divorced.

And then I'm getting on that boat.

And then it's bender time.

And then it's not worth the risk?

And then making them sit there for an hour.

And then one day, boof,

And then that's my stuff.

And then therapy will be like, Thanks, Kimmy.

And then there's my Pupazza.

And then they excommunicated me for eating Sheryl's yogurt,

And then they turn on you for no reason,

And then yells, What's your deal?

And then you draw a tree.

And then you El DeBarge in here telling me about your needs?

And then you marry a Vonda.

And then you won't need your fake mom anymore.

And then, like, your crotch gets a headache?

And then, suddenly, everything is about Montreal.

And there's a gigantic furry monster

And there's no way anyone's gonna spot us here.

And there's nothing I can do.

And there's so much production in New York right now

And they adopted that Simba from Africa.

And they both married firemen...

And they offered to give us a discount,

And they owed me for shrinking all my pants.

And they painted over the neighborhood mural of Biggie.

And they shot me into the ocean on a toilet.

And they take you for granted.

And they were pretty old fashioned.

And they won't rest until we pay for what we've done to them.

And they would call you.

And they're always smiling.

And they're so in love.

And this can be my job, right?

And this glass is gonna be lights out, so...

And this is just about food.

And this is me going out of business.

And this is what she's gonna do with her life?

And those tubes are filled with the Internet.

And tie it in a knot on the top of your skull

And time.

And Titus Ronald Wilkerson Andromedon Yoshimura.

And to resolve hundreds of years of...

And to you gentlemen,

And today we will ask the Great Spirit...

And tomorrow I'm gonna ambush my mom at the Rip Ride Rockit,

And tonight, I'm with Michael.

And Tony DaGrammo wore the same costume as me.

And until... Until... Until

And Viola Davis, you're done.

And walk away.

And wash your arm, baby.

And we all want the t****ze back.

And we didn't even super make out.

And we still haven't gotten in anywhere.

And we used it to pray for our brothers in Vietnam.

And we'll be proud of you,

And we'll get to have breakfast lunches

And we'll make her the focus of tomorrow's show.

And we're all together with so much to celebrate:

And what a game we have for you today.

And what about that speech that she gave?

And what difference will that make?

And what do you think you've learned from all this?

And what do you two do for work?

And what if my choreography requires standing?

And what is the only soul food restaurant left around here?

And what's just... ehh?

And what's right?

And whatever dress you pick out, or...

And when are you gonna give back that police car you showed up in?

And when I needed new shoes,

And when I say, Activate turbo boost,

And when that day comes, I hope it's not too late

And when you went to confront her,

And when you were away at that construction convention,

And where exactly

And which one of us opens doors for the other?

And who clings to the past

And who did I choose? Both.

And who pees a little during long speeches.

And with the gay stuff, I don't know where to start.

And work their way down.

And worst of all, no donors.

And wow, this is weird, but I already have an album

And yet nothing does.

And yet we memorialize you

And you can't do that by being nice.

And you circle the larger one

And you don't care about anyone else but yourselves.

And you end up cold, hungry,

And you fleeted it!

And you get free peanuts.

And you got a free piano.

And you have to guess whether it's a man?

And you kept listening.

And you know all my clothes double as pajamas.

And you know our choreography was on point.

And you know when I knew they were goners?

And you love them anyway.

And you never ate the fruit!

And you pick up these silly boys

And you planted the idea seed into my brain garden.

And you said you wanted to be my jeans.

And you saw my apartment.

And you should be working on the book.

And you, my friend?

And you'll be some kid's mother.

And you're gonna find your real mom,

And you're like, Baby, your neck is so thin and bumpless,

And you're too pretty to let out of my sight.

And you're wasting my time!

And your best friend?

And your body is trying to blast it out

And your boyfriends are so great, Lillian.

And your breath is much better.

And your cool zipper.

And your unique set of skills.

And, look, I know I've been making you run back and forth all day,

And, more importantly, I never got to stare bigotry in the eye

And, one.

And, uh, whatever.

And, yes, generally, they are for younger people,

And... Hey, not cool, Titus.

Andrea gave me this sticker at our last session.

Andrea told me so!

Andrea, stop, that's twice!

Andrea, this morning, my body went to Coney Island without me.

Andrea.

Andromedon Productions.

Anger is a normal response to a lot of things.

Anonymous insults like that are never cool...

Another rich guy would've made it look like I needed money.

Another sneakertorium?

Answer the phone, Titus.

Anthony Black Elk,

Anthony, that is uncalled for.

Anthony, this sacred pipe,

Any amazing jobs in this apartment.

Any good memories out here?

Any of your emails, Peter.

Anybody home?

Anyhoo, said the any owl...

Anything is possible!

Anyway, I carry it with me everywhere.

Anyway, I saw this...

Anyway, it turned out Kimmy was wrong.

Anyway, it's almost over.

Anyway, just gonna shove a letter ino up your mouth flap.

Anyway, the popsicles will just be another 40 minutes.

Anyway, this is my dog a poo, Abattoir.

Anyway, you dropped these.

Anyway...

Apologies, drag, and calculus.

Apparently you're gonna live in a shack,

Aquarius,

Are they buying it?

Are those empty?

Are totally just as strong as mine...

Are we done here?

Are you a high chair? 'Cause I want to put a baby in you!

Are you a licensed driver over the age of 25?

Are you crying?

Are you crying?

Are you even listening to what I'm saying to you?

Are you even studying the flash cards I made?

Are you gonna steal my look?

Are you happy? I was nice.

Are you insane?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding? I hate those women.

Are you listing things at me?

Are you mad that you didn't get to be the center of attention at this?

Are you my Uber?

Are you now or have you ever been a member of Arcade Fire?

Are you ready to heal?

Are you saying we have less than 24 hours to prepare?

Are you serious?

Are you seriously still mad at me?

Are you sick?

Are you sure it's Buckley?

Are you sure you can handle that?

Are you trying to help me,

Are you up to the part where you meet me?

Aren't you Ronald Wilkerson?

Around all that equipment.

Around the scrawny little part