Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt(2015) - Season 3 Edit

A A woman you bought a funky lamp from on craigslist?

A "community liaison" who'll just happen to be

A a horrible gobbling sound.

A Big Naturals here in East Dogmouth.

A bird pool.

A bladder? Please

A bunch of late '90s car alarms?

A bunker? That's weird. For what?

A carton of red Pixy Stix.

A cup of sugar,

A divorce so he can get remarried

A documentary about Frank Lloyd Wright's brilliant but troubled life?

A family name or...

A farmers market, dog park,

A faucet, perhaps.

A fortune teller told me she was going to kill me

A generous donation from the Snyder Foundation

A girl getting a gentleman's C?

A guy with a monogrammed stapler,

A handful of loose tuna?

A heist.

A jukebox, DJ equipment, a bunker...

A Lakota what?

A lie intended to harm America."

A little?

A lot of people get upset when I lay my truth on them,

A magazine I brought for those lonely nights at sea.

A male Kimmy wouldn't be treated this way.

A man flipped cereal at you?

A mistake that I turned into a "shopportunity

A National Merit Finalist.

A penguin before it goes in a blender.

A penguin with teeth!

A positive bunkering experience.

A rabbit's work is never done.

A robot can't do what you did today.

A Roy Rogers fixings bar in here!

A safe place.

A salad.

A Sex Yuko still in the box?

A SodaStream?

A star.

A statement by the Department of Homeland Security says, in part,

A statement by the Department of Homeland Security says, in part,

A sweet nerd who shows up whenever he isn't wanted.

A Thai fruit with five times the nutrients of a banana.

A three way with a puppet... you're welcome...

A trip? Well, sure.

A troop of bonobos is led by a veritable gynocracy.

A truck is coming right at you.

A Turkey Dinner.

A Vidalia onion is not an apple.

A wet baby corn is a singer's best friend.

A wire bound Birney heritage trolley

A woman crashed her car into the mayor's house this morning.

A woman president.

A woman.

A word of advice:

A year.

A, be the boss of cars,

A, moving cars, B, parked cars,

Aah!

About a blind kid who loves his mailman.

About a blind kid who loves his mailman.

About a new kind of onion that was so sweet,

About being good and kind and touching kids' feet with foreskins,

About everything.

About good and evil,

About having a magic bag so he can murder ducks or whatever.

About money and failure,

About that new person.

About the church Ms. Chalker is running out of a compound

About the fact that my boyfriend is also out of town.

About women's chunky Charlies with a crazy man

About you.

About your crossing guard program.

About your new high ass tenor, Titus.

Absolutely not.

Accepting the Snyder Foundation's matching funds

Accounts retrievable?

Aces! How's tonight? 'Cause I'm in your hallway!

Actually, it's for you from Andy Cohen at... Bravó!

Actually, Ms. Kaushtupper,

Actually, Russ got back this afternoon.

Actually, the doctors took this out of him.

Admit there's no storm, Drench Thunderman.

Advocating false imprisonment.

After busting my ass here for two years, I qualified for a scholarship.

After family members, concerned

After Gary left, I dated a lot of guys

After I sign these papers, I don't want to hear

After luring me into a Volkswagen dealership.

After meeting me, they all said they'd pray for me.

After one of those women threw a Skinnygirl hot toddy on his crotch.

After some psycho was done with it,

After Sophie Tylenol.

After that night, I never saw 15 year old Eric Trump again.

After that, it was up to me to take care of the family.

After the last date, you were like,

After the movie, he suggested walking,

After the park closed.

After the trial, he was juggling about a dozen erotic pen pals.

After voting unanimously to support Big Naturals.

After you buy something,

After you settled down and had a family.

Against a new Big Naturals superstore in East Dogmouth.

Against animal poachers and slum lords

Ah ooga!

Ah, big time!

Ah, Bob's your uncle!

Ah, call me Paulie.

Ah, damn it all to hell.

Ah, done!

Ah, I did it.

Ah, I'm sorry. I'm swamped.

Ah, look, I didn't want to worry you,

Ah, so you see,

Ah, the definitive Rosie O'Donnell cast recording of Grease.

Ah, this neighborhood's just a basket of deplorables.

Ah, was that so hard?

Ah, you're in for it now, Goodman.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! I am your downstairs neighbor,

Ah! Look at me!

Ah! Real girl!

Ah! Titus.

Ah.

Ah. Uh, I accidentally opened Adobe.

Aha! I don't wear perfume.

Ain't no way Morgan Fairchild is shopping there.

Alcohol tastes good. I like it.

All day long, he biddy biddy bums.

All I got is Trouble!

All I have is now.

All I wanted was to help people,

All in one guy, like some kind of sexy Swiss Army knife.

All may, none must.

All my life, progress has been a lie.

All my things are in there. Where are my bags?

All night long. Jealous?

All nine shows, and I was amazing!

All of it.

All of them.

All of this is for you, Mikey.

All of you.

All over each other.

All right, come on!

All right, I'll tell you what.

All right, let's eat.

All right, now, this next one is called

All right, phone, you think you know everything?

All right, Russ, obviously, you want to marry her.

All right, show me what you got, Yuko.

All right, then, I guess this is goodbye forever.

All right, Titus, you good to go?

All right, Titus, you got us.

All right, where the hell is it?

All right, Xan, I'll do it.

All right!

All right! Cards on the table, broseph,

All right.

All right. He gets half.

All the art is meant to be touched.

All the jobs are on here, from architect to Zodiac Killer.

All their organs, then everyone would be dead,

All these years, I blamed a cruel and jealous world

All they have to do is type

All those in favor?

All week,

Allen Ginsberg is dead.

Almost a perfect 100 IQ.

Almost... done.

Already knows everything

Also, as a cast member,

Also, as someone who's made love on a beach,

Also, he is extremely poor.

Also, I did not bring a dog in here.

Also, I got a leak in my apartment.

Also, I understand

Also, I'll have you know, I'm applying to college.

Also, I'm trans ghost.

Also, it wasn't a party.

Also, my name is Cork Rockingham.

Also, the coat is hers.

Also, the dogs don't hide from you.

Also, uh, we're gonna do a screening of Shrek 3

Also, why is one of your shoes a cut open beach ball?

Also, women and other women.

Also, you're weird for naming a baby Linda.

Also, your skin looks amazing today

Although I did sit on one once for Richard Branson.

Although it's not the first time you've surprised me, now, is it?

Although..

Always looking over your shoulder with that big ol' pumpkin head of yours.

Am I being racist, or have we met?

Am I being selfish by not giving the other four pairs

Am I dreaming?

Am I still Jacqueline?

Amana amana amana! Boi oi oi oi oing!

Amen!

Amen!

Amen!

Amen.

Amen. Amen.

America is angry...

Americans don't kneel.

An audiotape of commercials I use as a shopping list.

An evening in Manhattan with my lover's wife.

An homage to Madonna's iconic Philip Treacy headdress?

An inmate bit me, and he locked on.

An ISIS recruitment site,

And 'cause my pill's just kicking in.

And "fixing" it so that real New Yorkers like us

And a bag of chips?

And a Columbia onesie.

And a professor

And a ten foot party hoagie with extra gabbagool.

And a working pocket.

And according to ethical egoism,

And achieving lesbian bed death

And after Meemaw died, I think

And all my pillows are stained with his nightmare sweat.

And all the while, she taunted me!

And also, it took me a while to find the right window.

And also, they stabbed him and made him drink vinegar and laughed at him.

And an Etsy shop, where I put googly eyes on trash.

And anonymous sexual encounters are an important strand

And arsonist.

And as your councilwoman, you can count on me

And be on my way.

And being kind, wise, and mature

And believe me, it's not fun.

And blimp christenings.

And bought a bag of Vidalia onions.

And by the way, I think your idea to rap philosophy is stupid.

And by the way, Lillian, you were wrong about college.

And change the name of your precious Washington Redskins!

And Clue is missing the rope, which is, like, the fourth best weapon.

And commercials for dog stairs.

And congratulations on all your success.

And crossing guards do real good in the real world.

And do I swipe my charge card, or is it this business with the chip?

And do what?

And doing that dance where I have to count out loud.

And don't tell Coach Tannen to come in here to push me around,

And Duke is my type.

And enter East Orange, New Jersey.

And even though I just said "doody," I'm not laughing.

And even with all the extra chances I've given you,

And every day at 4:00 p.m.,

And every storm is different.

And expecting all the pieces to be there.

And from the looks of this place,

And get 'em back to Durnsville by Thursday,

And get ready for me?

And giving them the recipe could earn us some goodwill

And go refill your MetroCard when you "literally can't right now."

And go wherever white folks go to finish stuff.

And Gonzo's Nose for the curved gentleman

And good friends with each other, which is awesome for me.

And gorillas. I can't even go to the zoo anymore.

And great food to millions of Americans

And guess what.

And guess what. She's a man.

And had a lovely time.

And hammer beats worms every time, baby.

And he does not like me.

And he finds out I can't afford a watch.

And he got me a translation app on my phone

And he thinks that it's ridiculous

And he won't be back for another two months.

And he'll be the one representing them at the next owners' meeting.

And he'll love me forever

And he's a damn anthem kneeler.

And he's a professional scientist.

And he's as hot as the sandwich he's named after.

And he's rich

And here?

And here?

And here?

And here?

And his idea of exercise is getting the mail.

And his unquenchable thirst for human poop.

And how I miss that!

And how is Jumpf?

And how it squishes under my tongue when we kiss.

And Hudson University is on TV.

And I almost killed her.

And I always call my dad after.

And I am too.

And I can do anything.

And I can go topless as long as it's violent.

And I can watch a TV show while recording two others.

And I can't even fudging do that.

And I couldn't go to the bathroom there because I was on a date with another man.

And I did steal a coat from the clothing drive.

And I didn't get it till just now.

And I don't care what Titus says,

And I don't care why.

And I don't even know if it worked, but I feel better.

And I don't exist.

And I don't fudging care.

And I don't have to share it if I don't want to.

And I don't know how to do orangutan years,

And I don't love boobs and California.

And I don't want to be reminded of it.

And I don't want to brag,

And I don't want to talk to them.

And I forgive you for that.

And I guess I'll keep doing it one person at a time.

And I hate not being in control of my life.

And I have something

And I have to see her and all the others like her every day.

And I haven't been touched by a man since I left Julian.

And I headed for a lifeboat.

And I hear someone say,

And I just need to add the diesel... crust.

And I know he's trying to get me into bed.

And I know I'm getting in my own way like always

And I know why you did it.

And I lived in an underground tube.

And I love children!

And I loved it!

And I need someone with experience in psychosexual drama,

And I once rode a ski lift with the Property Brothers.

And I really beefed it.

And I run the Easter clothing drive.

And I say, "Buy me, uh, dinner first."

And I simply had to invite the new arrival

And I think stealing is evil.

And I think the way to do that is through music.

And I thought you might know someone there who could help me.

And I want this face

And I want to help, but I can't buy you alcohol.

And I want you and Lillian to stay.

And I was imprisoned for 15 years by a lunatic!

And I was like, "No, thanks."

And I was so sure he was the only one for me.

And I will be honoring Bandit with this plaque.

And I will be working with a community liaison...

And I will not fail,

And I will still be a tired gay black man living in a sideways tugboat.

And I would believe her because that sweet dummy,

And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that!

And I would go see him.

And I would run to the airport, all romantic,

And I wouldn't even have any meatloaf first.

And I'd rather be in Montana shooting salmon,

And I'll be damned if this hotsy totsy rich mother

And I'm 100% sex positive.

And I'm dumb enough to take Jacqueline's bags for no reason!

And I'm getting a little tired of the boardroom.

And I'm gonna apply to be a crossing guard right now.

And I'm gonna go down in flames.

And I'm here today because I want to open the newest

And I'm in the middle of a big bike race

And I'm making it worse.

And I'm not gonna let this be a failure,

And I'm not running away.

And I'm not wearing a wire,

And I'm serving duck.

And I'm still getting used to her.

And I'm still not over

And I'm trapped there on top of you?

And I'm your selfish gay friend. Dy no mite!

And I've eaten crow.

And I've got the keys to the treasure chest.

And I've never done drugs in my life.

And if he hadn't set me free to find out,

And if he was just a friend,

And if Jesus was here, he'd be all, "I should've stuck with carpentry!"

And if Jorpf, or whatever he calls himself,

And if my name isn't

And if she's just putting a crust on top,

And if we're meant to be together, then blah, blah, blah.

And if you ever need to borrow

And if you have any questions...

And if you just gave her a chance,

And if you take your glasses off,

And if you want to keep Duke on the hook,

And Iktomi is a Lakota s...

And in a particularly low moment,

And in the end, I trust Lillian to do what's right for this neighborhood.

And is amazing at making choices?

And it always ends with how we got to do this again in five, ten, 100 years,

And it came out great, right?

And it fell out because of stress

And it freaked him out.

And it makes you cry.

And it was brought to my attention that if I get these signed

And it was my responsibility to move the scenery in the dark,

And it was worse than I could have imagined.

And it was your fault for getting kicked out.

And it went amazing, and I didn't eat anyone

And it'll be fun!

And it's 'cause I'm engaged to an incarcerated man

And it's Dick.

And it's got a "customers only" policy now.

And it's not bad if you don't mind the occasional wig hair.

And it's not just a sketch of me.

And it's not your fault the FBI won't come in here

And Kimmy can never know this,

And largest Big Naturals right here in East Dogmouth.

And leaves!

And let me borrow some earrings.

And let the son of a bitch get away with it?

And let's not forget scurvy.

And Life's got no baby pegs.

And Linda is my middle name.

And looking for a dumb excuse to bail?

And make me feel little in your arms.

And maybe that was your plan the whole time...

And me...

And measured our tumbleweed.

And merchandise sales are off.

And Mikey will be putty in your hands.

And mine didn't move at all.

And Miss Dionne only grew more and more belligerent.

And Mommy needs a nap.

And move toward healing.

And my best friend?

And my best son, Duke.

And my calf implants are killing me.

And my Kimmy left,

And my own family.

And my son is clinically a spazzoid.

And never call her again.

And never, ever flossing in the back.

And no one has to go to a bachelor party at an arboretum.

And no one laughed at Trixie Monroe,

And no screens until you finish your drawings of Jeebus and Gorp.

And nobody will care what it's about.

And not a word about my beliefs.

And not having a toilet next to my bed.

And not just to keep your teeth from falling out!

And not the kind that goes on pillows or the brand of ham that Titus buys.

And nothing motivates Americans like outrage.

And nothing.

And nothing's happened.

And nothing's stronger than a bear!

And now he knows where we live.

And now I get to bring good jobs

And now I'd like to put my mouth where your mouth is.

And now I'm lost again.

And now it seems the poor thing is Grey Gardens ing.

And now the family dog is chewing on the connector nubs.

And now we don't ever have to speak again of the Ocean Skank or the lifeboat

And now we finally have all the ages

And now we have to go shopping.

And now we're gonna save the world together.

And now you got to get rid of him

And now you're gonna be on TV,

And now you're gonna flip out because a baby has a totally normal name?

And now, friends, we've come to the time

And now, in the name of me,

And now...

And one gerbil.

And one of 'em has chest implants.

And one time Whitney Houston cousin.

And opened a peanut stand

And ordered all vessels out to sea.

And our public transportation stinks,

And our T shirts have all the wrong Super Bowl winners.

And people thought you were autistic

And people who pretend to be nervous on planes.

And pep talks before trying to put on jeans.

And please don't get me started on the Second Avenue Subway

And poking a son of the biggest real estate developer in New York.

And prepare to be inside for who knows how long.

And pretend I'm cool with it when I'm the opposite

And promises to be as horrible

And proper penmanship is a lost art,

And rearrange his ossa exterior.

And sat on it.

And says stuff like, "Mondays..

And scared.

And she taught me that baby corns are very good for your voice.

And she'd tell me I'm perfect the way I am.

And she's not back, and I hate her.

And sing for him.

And snooping on people's secrets.

And so did the guy I like

And so I'm on the floor,

And so it will starve to death.

And someone else has none, I should give them one of mine.

And stop worrying about it.

And strong

And sure, she's rich...

And take this terrifying career test

And talk about your tragic life or whatever.

And tell me my grandson can't use the Mimeo machine?

And that choir director, Reuben,

And that is the "tooth"!

And that is why we call it "Good Friday."

And that person and I have something in common...

And that scarf and the face?

And that thigh gap?

And that thumb I found

And that was a misunderstanding.

And that was just a bunch of electrical signals

And that you'll be joining us this afternoon

And that young, impressionable girl in the fishing gear...

And that's a spicy meatball, Luigi.

And that's coming from

And that's exactly what Reuben is.

And that's how I'm gonna beat the Internet.

And that's Kimmy.

And that's what I deserve.

And that's when I knew that Jodie Foster was gay,

And that's why we have seasons.

And that's why your family is on their way up here right now.

And the Department of Justice thinks I'm a racist.

And the fat kid's playing a little tiny flute?

And the lead vocals, so I'm gonna play it all back in the cans,

And the left nubbin is smaller than the right one,

And the other half of the country would buy 'em because

And the skinny kid's playing a big ol' tuba

And the weathermen now, they're the worst.

And their money.

And their roles are played by adults.

And then 30 minutes later,

And then afterwards,

And then do you remember what I said right before that?

And then eat them off the floor!

And then I can use this pen

And then I can use this pen

And then I got really interested in philosophy.

And then I would snap out of my Artie funk

And then it's just cheese.

And then just became gun shops.

And then she gets mad, doesn't she?

And then showering alone

And then sign at the bottom.

And then the giggling gives her diarrhea.

And then there's a 12 year gap.

And then watch Beaches Two, colon, She's Still Dead.

And then we're gonna go see Dean Koontz,

And then what did you say, Titus?

And then when I'm president of America,

And then you have it as an adult,

And then you have to

And then you sold out

And then, where's the mystery?

And there are a ton of complaints about your piercings on Yelp.

And there'd just be, like, a pile of organs.

And there's a dog with a badge.

And there's Mara!

And there's more. I'm from South Dakota.

And these bruises. Bumps too.

And they are out of the drug,

And they didn't even pixelate my neck!

And they know it's their fault,

And they loved you. You were the star of the show

And they're being nice to me...

And they're bred to eat homework.

And they're heroes.

And think about it.

And think about me for once.

And this afternoon, Miss Clara and I are helping clothe the poor.

And this is a mini 3 D printer.

And this isn't just because I forgot the accent.

And this mole.

And this never sees the light of day.

And this time for good reasons.

And those are my sisters, Payton and Ditka.

And threw up in my mouth.

And Titus won't register to vote

And to be honest with you,

And to eat at that restaurant where the waiters are ninjas.

And to provide...

And to quote a poster of Bo Jackson

And to sing!

And to the family Jet...

And today, we're gonna go to the NFL owners' meeting

And trying to pull off her wedding ring!

And TV's in yet another golden age.

And unfortunately, you're going to have to leave Columbia

And Unknown Sneaky Fool Found Dead."

And until 2012, I thought "espresso" was pronounced "expreshto."

And used the money to buy a Jet Ski.

And wait, I forget, do boats go to Haiti?

And walked away, like it was nothing.

And wanted to be a crossing guard

And wants to go through my stuff,

And wash all the scum off the streets

And watch sports with him and, like, touch butts and stuff,

And we became roommates.

And we can talk and bond.

And we couldn't find any in our neighborhood, okay?

And we had a whole new concept for the Urethrex campaign.

And we used to get Channel 6, but now we don't.

And we were happy there.

And we will provide a free shuttle bus for any confused perverts

And we'll do some makeup, and we'll straighten that hair.

And we're gonna sing an original song

And we're handsome.

And welcome to the first ever episode of Profiles.

And what a handsome boyfriend he is.

And what are you even doing here, Goodman?

And what happened to our plan?

And what is this?

And what's gonna make this a good bunker is we get to choose who's in here with us.

And what's the new plan? I'm so confused.

And when did I take off my wedding ring?

And when I committed the sin of pridefulness and vanity...

And when it all comes out, the result is just as toxic.

And where's your luggage?

And why did I wear my date night outfit? What's wrong with me?

And why wouldn't you tell me in the truck?

And worst of all...

And yet you taped it to prove we didn't.

And you and Duke

And you can check on your stuff with this wireless security camera.

And you can't stop me from seeing him

And you come in on backup.

And you do it for free?

And you don't need a degree for that.

And you get what you want...

And you have to grade papers by the dome light in your car.

And you intentionally targeted this image of a horse

And you know a lot about watches

And you know how badly I want a star named after me.

And you know the Tooth Fairy won't come to this neighborhood

And you know what they tasted like?

And you know what yuppies eat?

And you must be Kimmy.

And you never had a good job,

And you never had a nice boyfriend,

And you play basketball like John Kruk!

And you played right into my hands,

And you should,

And you two, get in the box!

And you were Lil' Lisa.

And you'll be pleased to know

And you'll be the ones trying to knock a crow out of the air with a rake.

And you're fighting over a bunch of delicious marbles.

And you're giving Steve Harvey my reel.

And you're gonna come running back to me,

And you're kind of in my way.

And you're like, "What's the big deal?"

And you're not allowed to walk?

And you're the dumbest person I've ever met.

And you're the white guy, Kyle Copner.

And you're thinking, "Well, my dead wife would've choked me harder."

And, boy, are my arms tired!

And, God, you two are boring.

And, I guess, everybody.

And, Kimmy, you are not gonna regret this.

And, like, one weird single guy that didn't quite know what he was in for.

And, oh, the whistle blowing!

And, uh, have a nice selection of pastries for him.

And, white passengers, for the last time,

And, yes, we are still in touch.

And...

And... here it comes.

And... Jackée.

And... Oh, no, the chips are gone.

Anger, frustration, despair,

Angry 'cause they're all alone,

Another 75 cents towards retirement.

Answer me this:

Any Chigger

Any luck?

Any other concerns, Councilwoman?

Anyhoo, a few months ago, I was in Durnsville,

Anything else?

Anything he says should be considered

Anything, Xan. Anything.

Anytime I need you, I just call,

Anyway, I don't actually care about Titus.

Anyway, I know it's a shot in the dark, but...

Anyway, there's a continuous flow of blood,

Anyway, this place does a great eel roll.

Apologize again.

Aptly named because she is difficult.

Are burning Redskins jerseys

Are getting margaritas for Karen's birthday.

Are gonna sing "That's What Friends Are For"

Are me, myself, and I.

Are the OG rap battles.

Are these just buttons?

Are these people Crank Yankers?

Are they in the mail yet?

Are those my corns, dear heart?

Are two of the worst people I have ever met,

Are we doing a Harlem Shake?

Are you actually enjoying this?

Are you breaking up with me?

Are you going to stay for Karen's birthday cupcakes?

Are you listening to yourself?

Are you okay, Agent Yermuther?

Are you on drugs? You know, you can't smoke this Easter grass.

Are you really gonna take care of me,

Are you serious right now?

Are you serious?

Are you still drinking?

Are you sure the other guy was gay?

Are you sure you're not just freaking out about the baby

Are you talking to someone else?

Are you trying to get me to say "underwear"?

Around the time my dog

Artie Goodman and his progress and his dolphin safe tuna.

Artie Goodman here.

Artie Goodman, by the way.

Artie Goodman. We met on the phone.

Artie invited me to go to Europe with him,

Artie is on the waiting list for a new heart.

Artie, I'm so tired.

Artie?

Artie's asking about my public glory.

Artie's dead, Kitus.

Artie's probably gonna propose.

As a gender blind Tracey Chambers

As a kidnapping victim.

As a society, we've moved on.

As an apology gift, I brought some bubbly,

As chairman of the Washington Redskins,

As councilwoman for East Dogmouth,

As fast as Tasunke Witko's steed!

As I was about to sing in my next song...

As if it were just just one of my sons

As it is, Ms. White.

As Jesus said, "Won't you be my neighbor?"

As Judge Mills Lane said,

As long as I just keep doing stuff,

As my nonstop elegance,

As some of these other people doesn't mean I'm a thief.

As someone who sponsors a 1K for Crohn's disease,

As soon as he's done,

As Tammi with an I threatens to turn Manhattan into Haiti.

As that spelling of Tammi.

As you know,

As you might expect from that graphic,

Ashes to ashes. Dust to...

Ask me some softball questions.

Ask your friend Cyndee. She talks about the bunker all the time.

At $250 a pop.

At Carl Lee Hailey High School down in Mississippi.

At Columbia University?

At Greenwood Cemetery...

At least I remembered to put my pants and shirt back on.

At least my son didn't poop his pants at the Met Ball.

At least once a day when I choke on something.

At least she was free to live her life

At least today I'm getting paid.

At my gym's Cowabunga Plyometrics class.

At one of New Jersey's many fine peneries?

At school pickups, Easter egg hunts,

At summer camp on Roosevelt Island,