Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Season 1 Edit

A

A "noise etty ma shee at o" is 12 "doe lairz"?

A 2005 Hamptons Magazine article

A beard?

A beard?

A British accent.

A British accent.

A bunch of times

A bus that went over a drawbridge.

A bus that went over a drawbridge.

A car?

A car?

A cocktail at the bar,

A construction worker called me Red.

A conversation held only with the eyes,

A diamond necklace, a bouquet of dogs.

A diamond necklace, a bouquet of dogs.

A Division of the CIA?

A Division of the CIA"?

A Dong says what?

A Dong says what?

A Fangelo? Yeah, ever since Vacation.

A Fangelo? Yeah, ever since Vacation.

A female dog? The thing that makes puppies?

A female dog? The thing that makes puppies?

A firm, business like handshake.

A friend of mine told me that he liked me,

A friend of mine told me that he liked me,

A Hawaiian princess.

A Hawaiian princess.

A lie taken from a book for middle schoolers.

A lie taken from a book for middle schoolers.

A little bit higher.

A little bit higher.

A little clueless about how the world works,

A little crusty on the outside

A little gas.

A little gas.

A little General Tso's Revenge?

A little General Tso's Revenge?

A little higher.

A little higher.

A long, long time ago

A man with a high pitched voice, or a normal woman.

A Mexican candy animal?

A Mexican candy animal?

A miracle today in Durnsville, Indiana.

A Mole Woman.

A Mole Woman.

A monkey took it, and she wouldn't give it back.

A new pair of shoes, and a black friend.

A new pair of shoes, and a black friend.

A new video from Naughty by Nature,

A one eyed, one horned flying purple people eater

A primary care physician

A private conversation with Tristafé?

A private conversation with Tristan?

A river? Thank you.

A river? Thank you.

A safe is where you put important stuff.

A safe is where you put important stuff.

A Scotch, neat, for Mr. Voorhees.

A Scotch, neat, for Mr...

A scrunchy that's also a wallet?

A scrunchy that's also a wallet?

A seduction.

A selfie. Yes.

A selfie. Yes.

A song? Really?

A song? Really?

A suit, a tie,

A third party that wasn't in the story?

A third party that wasn't in the story?

A trillion spider eyes

A war or whatever makes you a better person?

A window. My own window!

A wolf.

A wolf.

A woman reading a book?

A woman reading a book?

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Oh, no!

Aah! Oh, no!

About a sailor who gets off his ship after months at sea

About a sailor who gets off his ship after months at sea

About a super short mini skirt

About a super short mini skirt

About all the stuff I did to him,

About all the stuff I did to him,

About another crazy preacher you might have heard of.

About another crazy preacher you might have heard of.

About being black and gay and bald and...

About being black and gay and bald and...

About getting a room with a roof.

About getting a room with a roof.

About me, I started my first company when I was 14 years old.

About me, I started my first company when I was 14 years old.

About revenge, and I will make you pay!

About revenge, and I will make you pay!

About the bunker.

About what a half hour means.

About what a half hour means.

About what? I've already forgotten about it.

About what? I've already forgotten about it.

About you and your friends trashing his home last night.

About you and your friends trashing his home last night.

Absolutely no sun damage.

Absolutely no sun damage.

Absolutely not!

Absolutely not!

Accept.

According to my queer cousin.

According to my queer cousin.

Act like you belong, and the world is your oyster.

Action.

Action.

Activating shrug mode.

Actually isn't Von Lobster.

Actually, Buckley, this isn't your worst birthday ever.

Actually, great news: we're not.

Actually, I have a note from my parents

Actually, I have a note from my parents

Actually, I would rather live with someone.

Actually, I'm not exactly a werewolf,

Actually, I'm not exactly a werewolf,

Actually, Kimmy, I've got some ice right here.

Actually, Kimmy, I've got some ice right here.

Actually, Mrs. Voorhees invited me to the party.

Actually, my assistant put the wrong time in my PalmPilot.

Adios.

Admit that that was a weird thing to say.

Admit you lied.

Admit you lied.

Adults don't get gifts on their birthday.

Adults don't get gifts on their birthday.

After being struck by a falling Spiderman.

After being struck by a falling Spiderman.

After everything Native Americans have been through...

After everything Native Americans have been through...

After I mistook his wife for a vending machine

After I mistook his wife for a vending machine

After I saw that,

After I saw that,

After Julian and Yuko are exposed,

After my tenth failed Lion King audition,

After my tenth failed Lion King audition,

After my viral video,

After my viral video,

After she tucks us into the bed we all share.

After she tucks us into the bed we all share.

After that, you'll be stuck marrying

After the abandoned chandelier factory.

After the abandoned chandelier factory.

After we kissed, like, twice?

After winning the lottery.

After winning the lottery."

After working at a broke inner city school

After working at a broke inner city school

After years of buying school supplies out her own pocket

After years of buying school supplies out her own pocket

Against the roller coaster.

Against the roller coaster.

Against the Squashes.

Against the Squashes.

Ah, how was school, dear?

Ah, how was school, dear?

Ah, I love it.

Ah, must have left them in the car.

Ah, Rexy. Here you go!

Ah, ridi, Pagliaccio

Ah, take my wallet!

Ah, that's my girl.

Ah, that's my girl.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah.

Ah.

Ahh!

Ahh!

All 50 Spidermen!

All 50 Spidermen!

All I care about is helping my friend.

All I care about is helping my friend.

All I cared about was the lurid, titillating details.

All I cared about was the lurid, titillating details.

All I got in the settlement was the Hamptons house

All I got in the settlement was the Hamptons house

All I want to do is get rid of this stupid costume,

All I want to do is get rid of this stupid costume,

All I wanted was someone to talk to.

All I'll get is $1 million...

All I'll get is $1 million...

All my friends are people I pay:

All my friends are people I pay:

All of LeBronda's dreams have come true

All of my cats are piling up in one corner.

All of our very best friends.

All of you would be rich right now.

All of you would be rich right now.

All right, hit it, hot shot.

All right, hit it, hot shot.

All right, I'll make you this deal.

All right, I'll make you this deal.

All right, Kimmy, listen up.

All right, Kimmy, listen up.

All right, ladies, today is a gift.

All right, ladies, today is a gift.

All right, let's go.

All right, look, I'm not ashamed to admit it.

All right, look, I'm not ashamed to admit it.

All right, stay calm, Randy.

All right, stay calm, Randy.

All right, thank you, pal.

All right, thank you, pal.

All right, then.

All right, then.

All right, then. I'm off to the ice ery.

All right, then. I'm off to the ice ery.

All right, what do I got this time?

All right, what do I got this time?

All right, what do you want to watch?

All right, what do you want to watch?

All right! I'll try it.

All right! I'll try it.

All right.

All right.

All right. Hi.

All right. Hi.

All right... a song about my friend Kimmy.

All right... a song about my friend Kimmy.

All thanks to Mr. Lefkovitz.

All thanks to Mr. Lefkovitz.

All that unpleasantness behind us.

All that unpleasantness behind us.

All the drama,

All the drama,

All the little stupid little clapping games.

All the little stupid little clapping games.

All the mans and all the womans, you're the most bad.

All the mans and all the womans, you're the most bad.

All the monsters at work will laugh at me, like...

All the monsters at work will laugh at me, like...

All the richest bachelors in Manhattan.

All the way around and everything, it's...

All the way around and everything, it's...

All the zoo animals.

All these years, he lost his love of teaching.

All these years, he lost his love of teaching.

All we found was this stupid tape of him doing karate.

All we found was this stupid tape of him doing karate.

All you do is remind me of something

All you do is remind me of something

All you got to do is...

All you got to do is...

All your orders came up short.

All your orders came up short.

Allegedly run by self...

Almost forgot this.

Almost forgot this.

Almost too straight.

Almost too straight.

Almost.

Almost.

Also, "work" doesn't rhyme with "burst."

Also, Beeker's not my last name.

Also, ever since you moved in, this lamp stopped working.

Also, for what it's worth, you did teach me math.

Also, for what it's worth, you did teach me math.

Also, I don't want to take credit for something

Also, I don't want to take credit for something

Also, I moved my bachelorette party up to tonight

Also, I moved my bachelorette party up to tonight

Also, I'm your Secret Santa.

Also, I've seen you eat, so don't.

Also, it's Buckley's birthday tomorrow,

Also, see if they have an appointment.

Also, see if they have an appointment.

Also, she plays the oboe in band.

Also, she plays the oboe in band.

Also, there's an OG in Durnsville?

Also, there's an OG in Durnsville?

Also, this Vietnamese guy made fun of my name.

Also, this Vietnamese guy made fun of my name.

Also, tomorrow we're playing squash

Also, tomorrow we're playing squash

Also, work doesn't rhyme with burst.

Also...

Also...

Although frankly I don't see the appeal.

Although frankly I don't see the appeal.

Although I am now accessing

Although that was my nickname one summer on Fire Island.

Although that was my nickname one summer on Fire Island.

Always a pleasure.

Am I a bear now?

Am I dressed all right?

Am I dressed all right?

Am I gonna see you again?

Am I gonna see you again?

Am I mad? Am I mad?!

Am I mad? Am I mad?!

Am I not a pretty young thing anymore?

Am I sleeping with my assistant, Fat Rhonda?

Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty

Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty

Am I? She's my favorite American Girl doll.

Amazing.

Amazing.

America, America

An adult birthday party.

An adult birthday party.

An all black production of Oklahoma!

An all black production of Oklahoma!

An amazing second chance at life.

An ex con, immigrant.

An ex con, immigrant.

An FBI psychic pig found you.

An FBI psychic pig found you.

And "bald by choice"?

And "boyfriend" is the name of my loneliness therapy dog.

And a billion is?

And a billion is?

And a black coffee is a senior citizen?

And a black guy was trying to get in bed with me.

And a black guy was trying to get in bed with me.

And a Cookie Monster?

And a Cookie Monster?

And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy

And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy's Daddy

And a former student we think is living in the air ducts...

And a former student we think is living in the air ducts...

And a Gerschner's bag.

And a great job.

And a guy who brings her the traditional meat and flowers

And all of my favorite scenes

And all of my favorite scenes

And all the Spidermen

And all the Spidermen

And asked me to leave because I did not get the part.

And asked me to leave because I did not get the part.

And bald by choice?

And bang stuff.

And bang stuff.

And before dinner, I need you to go to the drugstore...

And before you say anything,

And before you say anything,

And being on my own and how I had to listen

And being on my own and how I had to listen

And both our names mean "penis."

And both our names mean penis.

And bottled water and unexpired meats.

And bottled water and unexpired meats.

And boyfriend is the name of my loneliness therapy dog.

And Brandon and I are moving into a new house.

And Brandon Yeagley got Apocalypsed!

And Buckley is downstairs having the best birthday of his life.

And Buckley is downstairs having the best birthday of his life.

And burn off my skin tags

And buy some talcum powder.

And by renting these costumes,

And by renting these costumes,

And by way of apology I will take you all

And by way of apology I will take you all

And cheering on the undefeated Durnsville Terns.

And cheering on the undefeated Durnsville Terns.

And clean that up.

And clean that up.

And covering me with a blanket if I fall asleep

And covering me with a blanket if I fall asleep

And did you say "cacti"?

And did you say cacti?

And do a series of leg and arm poses

And do a series of leg and arm poses

And do I get to go?

And do I get to go?

And do you know what he hath told me?

And don't show my face!

And don't show my face!

And don't show my face!

And don't show my face!

And don't show my face!

And don't show my face!

And don't talk to anyone here about me.

And don't talk to anyone here about me.

And Dong getting deported

And Dong getting deported

And drag you down to the foulest pit of hell.

And drag you down to the foulest pit of hell.

And dwarves do not let you sleep in their house

And dwarves do not let you sleep in their house

And eating wings on the crapper without even trying.

And eating wings on the crapper without even trying.

And everyone's making it about themselves.

And everyone's making it about themselves.

And everything died, right?

And exactly when did you have

And exactly when did you have

And falling from the nest.

And falling from the nest.

And friendship custody of the Olsen octuplets.

And friendship custody of the Olsen octuplets.

And from the Meatpacking District...

And gay guy.

And gay guy.

And go to our continuing coverage

And go to our continuing coverage

And goes straight to visit his daddy.

And goes straight to visit his daddy.

And gyrate on the "gay pride parade" float?

And gyrate on the gay pride parade float?

And have I mentioned to you my husband's fondness for feet

And have to pick women off you like lice.

And have to pick women off you like lice."

And he asked you?

And he called me "Kelea" which is, like,

And he called me Kelea which is, like,

And he doesn't have to clean the ladies' room.

And he doesn't have to clean the ladies' room.

And he doesn't know I placed the ad.

And he fought in some war with Germany,

And he must be stopped,

And he must be stopped,

And he rides a motorcycle.

And he rides a motorcycle.

And he says that none of that matters

And he says that none of that matters

And he should be wheels down any minute.

And he should be wheels down any minute.

And he showed me off to all of his friends

And he told me he hates his wife.

And he told me he hates his wife.

And he was in the country illegally.

And he was in the country illegally.

And he would have saved everyone

And he would have saved everyone

And he's buying it.

And he's buying it.

And he's in an all men's bunker,

And he's looking for somebody to kiss.

And he's looking for somebody to kiss.

And he's not even pedaling his bike.

And he's not even pedaling his bike.

And he's single but very gay.

And her ex husband died on top of his new wife.

And her ex husband died on top of his new wife.

And here I am, in New York,

And here I am, in New York,

And here to acknowledge that you were comforted.

And here to acknowledge that you were comforted.

And his name isn't Tristafé.

And his name isn't Tristan.

And how do you repay me?

And how do you repay me?

And how he likes to...

And how things were different then?

And Hu Zha Qi docked my pay because of you.

And Hu Zha Qi docked my pay because of you.

And I can hold my breath for a real long time.

And I can hold my breath for a real long time.

And I can't do it that way.

And I can't undo what I did.

And I can't undo what I did.

And I crank crank

And I deserved it.

And I deserved it.

And I did!

And I didn't tell him this, but the other day,

And I didn't want to be rude, so...

And I do happen to know

And I don't care that you're working here.

And I don't crank

And I don't have a watch,

And I don't want to be your friend either,

And I don't want to be your friend either,

And I doubt they say, "Wow, your anus really responds

And I doubt they say, Wow, your anus really responds

And I finally have a bra that fits right,

And I finally have a bra that fits right,

And I get nothing.

And I get nothing.

And I got priors.

And I got priors.

And I got to yell at an old white man.

And I got to yell at an old white man.

And I guess the school is Cleveland.

And I guess the school is Cleveland.

And I had a heart attack.

And I had a heart attack.

And I had already taken my makeup off.

And I have bought two books on it.

And I have bought two books on it.

And I have sex with these costumes at night.

And I have sex with these costumes at night.

And I have to go live in Connecticut

And I have to go live in Connecticut

And I have told you:

And I have told you:

And I haven't had a clock since my Tamagotchi died.

And I haven't learned anything.

And I haven't learned anything.

And I just fell in love with it.

And I just thought he had some real good ideas.

And I knew both of those things before now.

And I know it's coming soon.

And I know it's coming soon.

And I know it's wrong,

And I know where I'm going to start.

And I love going to a high school football game

And I love going to a high school football game

And I marched myself in to audition for The Lion King.

And I need a few days off.

And I need a few days off.

And I need to check on the place,

And I need to check on the place,

And I need to get out of here before I get airborne diabetes.

And I need to get out of here before I get airborne diabetes.

And I never should have agreed to help you.

And I never should have agreed to help you.

And I never should have trusted you.

And I never should have trusted you.

And I pass out flyers for an arcade.

And I promise I'll pay you back somehow.

And I promise I'll pay you back somehow.

And I realized that's where I have to go.

And I realized that's where I have to go.

And I realized...

And I run into Coriolanus Burt.

And I run into Coriolanus Burt.

And I said "Nathan, is this for reals?"

And I said, 'cause it leads me one step closer.

And I said, "'cause it leads me one step closer."

And I said, "Who's that?"

And I said, Who's that?

And I started to believe what he was saying.

And I started to believe what he was saying.

And I stole these from his bathroom.

And I stole these from his bathroom.

And I texted you back.

And I think he's gonna break up with Gengi

And I think he's gonna break up with Gengi

And I think I may have screwed everything up.

And I think I may have screwed everything up.

And I think part of me is jealous of you,

And I think she has alcohol poisoning.

And I think she has alcohol poisoning.

And I used to watch Frasier.

And I used to watch Frasier.

And I want everything to be perfect.

And I want everything to be perfect.

And I want to be the next... your apprentice.

And I want to be the next... your apprentice.

And I want to be the next... your apprentice.

And I want to be the next... your apprentice.

And I will crush

And I will crush that Spiderman

And I wish I knew what heu geen babo means.

And I would love it if you would join us for dinner.

And I would love it if you would join us for dinner.

And I would never do that to you.

And I would not wish that on anyone.

And I would not wish that on anyone.

And I would've made sure she was here today,

And I would've made sure she was here today,

And I'd call him out on it if I knew anything about cars.

And I'm A Star Is Borns ing.

And I'm getting a little sick and tired of you, Kimmy.

And I'm getting a little sick and tired of you, Kimmy.

And I'm going to kiss a boy.

And I'm guessing your last name

And I'm interested in any employment opportunities

And I'm lying to him about my birth control.

And I'm not giving up on you doing the right thing.

And I'm not giving up on you doing the right thing.

And I'm not Iron Man.

And I'm not Iron Man.

And I'm not Iron Man.

And I'm not Iron Man.

And I'm not locked up anywhere.

And I'm not locked up anywhere.

And I'm not ready.

And I'm not sure why you would compare me to a plastic bag,

And I'm not sure why you would compare me to a plastic bag,

And I'm saying this because I want to:

And I'm saying this because I want to:

And I'm smashing it with the world's tiniest hammer.

And I'm smashing it with the world's tiniest hammer.

And I'm so close.

And I'm so close.

And I'm so sorry to bring you back here

And I'm so sorry to bring you back here

And I'm sorry you always have to clean up my messes,

And I'm sorry you always have to clean up my messes,

And I'm starting to think

And I'm super good at clients.

And I'm super good at clients.

And I've got more luggage to get.

And I've never said this out loud before,

And I've seen the first half of every Behind the Music ever.

And I've seen the first half of every Behind the Music ever.

And if I had any money, I would give it to you,

And if I'm gonna pass the GED,

And if I'm gonna pass the GED,

And if that Dong Nguyen comes back,

And if that Dong Nguyen comes back,

And if that happened to me, with my iron will...

And if that happened to me, with my iron will...

And if you're right,

And if you're right,

And in exchange, you buy us brunch sometimes.

And Indiana is nowhere near my mind beach.

And Indiana is nowhere near my mind beach.

And instantly gone.

And instantly gone.

And into that lake of fire,

And into that lake of fire,

And it gets complicated.

And it has this.

And it is very unhealthy... for Titus!

And it lasts forever.

And it lasts forever.

And it moves us all

And it starts to snow, and we fall to the ground,

And it starts to snow, and we fall to the ground,

And it was just starting to get good.

And it was so romantic.

And it was so romantic.

And it went in the other lane, so it counts as double.

And it went in the other lane, so it counts as double.

And it will all be from after the year

And it will all be from after the year

And it's a bad one, brotha!

And it's making me want to stress eat.

And it's making me want to stress eat.

And it's working.

And Japan PervCo.

And Japan PervCo.

And join me in a flashback.

And join me in a flashback.

And joining me now for their first exclusive interview,

And just in case I overhear any juicy bunker tidbits,

And kill my boyfriend.

And kill my boyfriend."

And Kimmy's backpack got stolen,

And last night I had a dream

And last night I had a dream

And lates can you Skype with Tosh on Com Cent?

And lates can you Skype with Tosh on Com Cent?

And leave everything behind...

And leave everything behind...

And leave this place.

And letting your father deal with you.

And letting your father deal with you.

And look at me...

And look at me...

And Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing,

And maybe the firehouse could have finally gotten a pole

And maybe the firehouse could have finally gotten a pole

And my assistant bought the presents for Kimmy.

And my assistant bought the presents for Kimmy.

And my bike. I love it.

And my bike. I love it.

And my dentist tracked me down.

And my dentist tracked me down.

And my mother cleans our costumes every night

And my mother cleans our costumes every night

And my point is wh...

And nannies aren't magical,

And nannies aren't magical,

And no one got their deposit back?

And no one got their deposit back?

And no one mistook me for Samuel L. Jackson all day.

And no one mistook me for Samuel L. Jackson all day.

And nothing has changed in this country.

And now he's walking around in shoes and socks

And now he's walking around in shoes and socks

And now still with this nonsense.

And now still with this nonsense.

And now you have something juicy happening...

And now you have something juicy happening...

And now you're crying, thinking about the passage of time.

And now you're crying, thinking about the passage of time.

And now you're looking at me

And now, because of you...

And now, because of you...

And of my Verizon contract.

And of my Verizon contract.

And one day your whole life gets taken from you:

And one day your whole life gets taken from you:

And one night he invited me out to his car

And only has one DUI.

And only has one DUI.

And only.

And only.

And our lawyers don't seem to know

And our lawyers don't seem to know

And parents are coming home.

And parents are coming home.

And pay up.

And pay up.

And phones have maps of Ohio,

And put together my party playlist.

And put together my party playlist.

And putting them back in?

And putting them back in?

And red hair, brown eyes?

And red hair, brown eyes?

And Roger has taken up

And Roger has taken up

And rotate the mattresses before you leave.

And rotate the mattresses before you leave.

And ruin neighborhoods.

And ruin neighborhoods.

And say, "I'm not really here. I'm not really here."

And say, I'm not really here. I'm not really here.

And see if people treat you different?

And see if people treat you different?

And sexing.

And sexing.

And she had another daughter.

And she had another daughter.

And she hasn't been home in days.

And she hasn't been home in days.

And she really needs somebody she can look up to.

And she really needs somebody she can look up to.

And she stepped on the ball.

And she stepped on the ball.

And she'd do it again.

And she'd do it again.

And Simone kept losing 'cause she's really bad at math,

And Simone kept losing 'cause she's really bad at math,

And so we are done.

And so we are done.

And someday I'll have enough money

And spent all of his time with me.

And squeeze in your arm to push up your cleavage.

And squeeze in your arm to push up your cleavage.

And stare at the reflection of your can

And stare at the reflection of your can

And straight men never give any indication

And straight men never give any indication

And thank you for all my gifts.

And thank you for all my gifts.