Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014) Soundboard Edit

A Doodle?

A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand.

A Kingsman only condones the risking of a life to save another.

A little gratitude would be nice

All right, no one panic. Listen to me.

All right.

An independent, international intelligence agency...

And as for you, Prime Minister

And by the time it's fully trained, so will you be.

And having read your files...

And how about you shut the fuck up?

And I found it.

And switches off inhibitors.

And that's it?

And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss's car.

And we are, first and foremost, gentlemen.

Are you there?

As a child, I rather fancied a future as a colorful megalomaniac.

As am I.

As I said, put your daughter in the bathroom and throw away the key.

As of tomorrow...

As well as your agreement to strict confidentiality

Banging on about losing me as well as my dad.

Bear witness!

Being a gentleman has nothing to do with one's accent.

Being a gentleman is something one learns.

Bitch.

Bon appétit.

Bring the product release forward.

Budge up, Rox. I'm feeling a bit rough.

But I know you ain't one.

But I would like to present you with this Medal of Valor..

But I would.

But you needn't stay on it.

But you think Valentine is a supporter?

But you've got a big role to play...

Can be remotely activated. Primed.

Can I have a word about my mum's black eye?

Can you guess...

Can you hold these? Please?

Can you see Valentine anywhere?

Charlie, fuck off!

Clever, isn't it?

Climate change research, lobbying, years of study, billions of dollars...

Come here, son!

Come in

Come in.

Come on in.

Come on, bruv, he hit my fucking mum!

Come on, J.B.

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Come on! That wasn't the fucking deal!

Come on.

Could you turn the volume down, please?

Deep enough.

Did you really think I was stupid enough...

Digby.

Do it. Come on, you pleb.

Do you know what that means?

Do you know what this is like?

Don't worry.

Don't you think?

Drugs, petty crime. Never had a job

Easy.

Eggsy

Eggsy, come here

Eggsy, find a laptop, get me online. The clock is ticking.

Eggsy, I'm in.

Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations.

Eggsy, there is no such thing as honor amongst thieves

Eggsy, Valentine's using someone else's satellite

Eggsy's mum is well fit

Eight

Either way...

Everybody listen, I've got a plan!

Evolving with the times remains an entirely foreign concept to you

Expounds something called Gaia theory..

Fall in.

Fall out.

Feeling good, Merlin.

Fine, I've locked the door. What do you want me to do now?

Fine.

First prize, regional Under 10s gymnastics...

Flat spin.

Floods!

Floor it!

For all eternity.

For God's sake, I've barely touched you.

Foxes are vermin, cuz

Fuck are you doing here?

Fuck me.

Fuck off

Fuck you.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fucking get on with it!

Galahad, Percival, congratulations.

Galahad.

Gentleman spy.

Get down!

Get Valentine's hand off that bloody desk now!

Get your arse back to the plane, now.

Gin, not vodka, obviously.

Go.

Good girl, Rox...

Good luck!

Good.

Got it!

Grab a seat.

Harry, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna do whatever...

Has already seen over a billion cards distributed.

Have you had any chance to think further on my proposal?

He got you talking with a neutral question...

He was as much Kingsman material as any of them

He will not save you!

Hell, man, you know me. Money's not my issue.

Here we go!

Hey oh!

Hey, hang about, what's wrong with the fucking door?

Hold on, boys

How about Nikita?

How about the animals marching two by two?

How much longer can he be out?

I could kill you right now...

I don't have to. Harry showed me.

I don't know who the fuck that is!

I don't know. Could have something to do with the mass genocide.

I figure we're just getting the really nervous ones.

I guarantee it.

I had no control.

I have no idea what you're talking...

I have trouble understanding you people sometimes.

I haven't heard anyone try that since the noughties.

I knew you couldn't make it.

I know this bloke who's just taken over a tailor shop on Savile Row.

I need to piggyback.

I say again, we have secured Falcon.

I think he'd be bitterly disappointed in the choices you've made.

I think I'm still in my last time zone.

I want to know the name of the geezer you was with.

I'll have you, son!

I'll show you yours.

I'm glad you made it!

I'm not supposed to say it, but it was...

I'm so sorry, I can't say more.

I'm sorry, sir. Wrong number.

I'm starting the override. All right, let's do this.

I'm the fucking son of the... Shit!

I'm your pilot. I'm gonna stay here.

If not..

If our tests go well at the church tomorrow, we are good to go.

If you're into seduction techniques, this guy is textbook.

In Harry's honor...

In other news, people all over the world...

In simple terms, it's a neurological wave...

In you go.

Including a house.

Indisputably, the work of our mercenaries, but no trace of any chemicals of any kind

Interested?

Is a day of celebration.

Is it just me, or does this champagne taste a little bit funny?

Is Kingsman really worth dying for?

Is Kingsman worth dying for?

Is that gonna fit me?

It comes with a lot of perks.

It delivers 50,000 volts.

It feels good, right?

It pains me to admit it...

It should only be operated by someone as responsible and sane as me.

It's a closed network, you see. Pre authorized connections only.

It's going to take him no time at all.

It's like Charlie said. I'm just a pleb.

It's pretty basic, but it should still work.

It's supposed to be working! What the fuck?

J.B., come on! Come on!

Just do it.

Just tell him, Eggsy!

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin.

Lancelot, you're approaching your altitude limit.

Leave

Let's turn those frowns upside down.

Like what to do when one of your group has no parachute.

Lingering like some big, steaming shit that just won't flush

Listen up.

Listen, boys...

Loo snorkels?

Lox as in smoked fish?

Maketh..

Man up!

Manners...

Martini.

Merlin, are you clocking this?

Merlin, I apologize for putting you in this position.

Merlin, I'm fucked.

Most have their own bunkers.

Mr. DeVere!

Mum!

Mummy would never hurt you. I'm so sorry.

My first mission.

My name is Harry Hart, and I gave you that medal

Need I remind you, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for that young man?

Neither.

No matter what happens now, I've got you, all right?

No, I shot my dog...

No, please, don't hurt him!

No!

No.

Nobody can hack into this shit.

Not quite.

Not yet.

Now do your very best impersonation...

Now me.

Now, if you really want to make the world a better place...

Now, that's what you call a secret, right?

Of sorts.

Oh, no!

Oh, yes.

Oh, you mean this?

Oi, Dean!

Okay, Eggsy.

Okay, you send out the two minute warning.

Our ever growing list of missing persons now includes Scandinavian royalty.

Our founders realized that they could channel that wealth and influence...

Our worldwide tour was a complete success.

Perhaps I'll show you Fitting Room Three while we wait.

Please know I'll be very impressed.

Posh girls love a bit of rough

Positive discrimination...

Quick, make a circle!

Requesting permission to land.

Roger that. Target identified.

Rohypnol.

Rox, I need a favor.

Roxanne. But call me Roxy.

Roxy, just stop fucking about!

Rufus, you wanker!

See you on the ground, boys.

Seven

She didn't drown.

She's right. Fucking go!

Shit, we're an odd number now!

Shit!

Shit!

Shut the fuck up!

So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution.

So we going up or down?

Some more examples of young men...

Sorry to eavesdrop...

Sorry, love.

Synthetic cathinones

Take her away

Teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman.

That tends to happen when you shoot someone in the head.

That was the headline...

That's the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus.

The day your father died, I missed something.

The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host.

The man who got you released.

The person on their right grabs them.

The problem with us common types...

The result is the same.

There are no safety nets, understood?

There aren't many billionaires I don't know.

There's a reason why aristocrats developed weak chins

There's no need for champagne. We got loads in the plane.

There's two more.

This is an organization, and they're all over us

This is mine.

This is November 2 4 7 Charlie Kilo. ..

This is one guy.

This is Zero One Alpha. We have secured Falcon.

This one just has a short range.

This unprecedented giveaway by the philanthropist Richmond Valentine..

Those idiots who call themselves politicians...

Those of you who are still here, that is.

Three

Three's a crowd, innit? Why don't Dean's poodle go?

To pee or not to pee?

Transmitted through your nasty, free SIM cards, I assume.

Two

Two guards, up ahead.

Two years in a row.

Untie yourself.

Until I finish this lovely pint of Guinness.

Valentine is at last saying something of note

We don't know what he was exposed to in there.

We done here? Shit!

We must put aside doubt and guilt.

We need to speed things up.

We pull our cords one by one!

We should honor their sacrifice...

We'd like to offer you..

We'll show your mother how three can be good company.

We're back up.

We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong?

Welcome aboard.

Welcome, Prime Minister.

Well done, Rox. Good girl.

Well, I think it's about time...

Well, it's like you said to Harry

Well, then you know what that psycho's doing.

What a shame we both had to grow up.

What if the calculations are wrong?

What kind of response are we talking?

What?

What's going on?

What's up, man?

What's wrong, mate? You can't take a joke?

When I was a kid, that was my dream job.

Which one?

Who simply need a silver suppository?

Who?

Why not?

With no thought about why we do what we do.

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, Dean. Look, it's me

Yeah, it's okay.

Yeah, yeah. Let's see now.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yep, I'm on it.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Yes, they're founder members.

Yes, they're founder members.

You and I will be the best of friends.

You don't know fuck all about my grades.

You fucking dirty, fucking dirty...

You get a fever.

You have exactly one hour to complete the test...

You just leave this church like the infidel you are!

You shot a dog just to get a fucking job.

You should get out of the way, Granddad, or you'll get hurt and all.

You want to have a word with me, you get out of that cab...

You what?

You will drown in the blood of the Lord!

You're a bloody disgrace.

You're going to need a pair of shoes to go with your suit.

You're gonna have to get in there and make sure his hand never touches that desk.

You're right about the snobs.

You're very good, Eggsy.

Your complaint has been duly noted..

Your father saved my life.

Your hat looks fine, Gazelle.

2...

10 percent.

10...

105.

A party? Tonight, in London

Don't touch... Sorry, Your Royal Highness.

Got any Rizla, babe? No.

I wasn't with no one! Who was it?

Is he dead yet? Not yet!

Merlin, get the plane ready. Will do.

Where is he? I'm fine.

...you will have told me exactly what I need to know.