My Fellow Americans (1996) Soundboard Edit

A little fiddling with the records, some rewriting of history.

Actually, I have. A great American.

All we have now is the slim chance of a job...

And we did it

Are you the real guys?

Be calm and know you have the full. power of the White House behind you.

Be glad to.

Better smile, they'll know we're here in ten seconds.

But since I'm not...

Cleveland?

Closet case. Sad

Come on down.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come with us

Could always make it appear he did.

Damn it!

Decaf, you pussy.

Did Taft write Thirty Days to a Slimmer Ass?

Did we get collision coverage?

Did you ever had one of her pizzas?

Don't do that with the liquor.

Don't hide who you really are. Be brave Here.

Don't worry. I can promise this is the last you'll hear about it

Down and to the left.

Duck!

Excellent work, Caldwell. I'll be in touch.

Excuse us.

Follow your presidents.

Get in!

Get out!

Go, go, go.

God, this whole thing is crazy.

Good. Secure the room, but do not move in until I get there.

Hail to the Chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing.

Halt. Stop where you are.

Haney had Charlie Reynolds killed, now they're trying to kill us.

Have a pick if you like?

He isn't here.

He was a president. He had his four years.

He won't be a Joint Chief after all.

He's disappeared.

Headed for Ohio?

Hello, Joe

Hello, Senator.

Here

Hey, good buddy! God bless America!

Hi, there.

His lady called the White House.

Hold it, hold it.

Hold it! Stop right there!

Hold this.

Honey, you're hurting me

How about we take a walk?

How do you do?

How're you?

How's it going?

How's that for honesty?

I always did just enough not to piss anybody off..

I can't figure how a twisted psycho like Tanner end up in the NSA.

I can't say I recall that ever happening before...

I can't think of anything more fitting than to share with you..

I don't like people running faster than I do. It makes me look poky.

I don't need to know.

I don't think we'll make it to Akron

I gave you a direct order! Shoot!

I guess life in the White House put a strain on your marriage

I have a tough time keeping track of the Democrats

I have always believed that dreams are like our children

I have money.

I have nothing to say.

I have some friends who might help.

I have to keep my hands on the first penis.

I haven't seen any NSA today so I'm guessing we lost them.

I must change my shorts now.

I think he's covering for Haney.

I thought about your offer.

I want to speak to the White House.

I was President of the United States I don't dance with animals

I was told what you went through

I will not abort my mission without verification of your authority.

I'll get right on it.

I'll make the announcement.

I'm going to have to stand by my original statement.

I'm pretty sure I'll catch one of you.

I'm trying.

I've always said that our dreams are like our children

If you could just step out of the car

Is there any way someone could have broken in here?

It don't matter none.

It was a lot like his presidency

It was cream puff with raspberry sauce and, I don't know.....

It was just nice to do something and...

It'd be a great time to talk to him.

It's a freedom ring necklace.

It's a kick in the balls. Sorry, sweetheart.

It's all hay and grass out there. It's the amber waves of grain...'

It's an honor to meet you, son.

It's been a delight speaking to you

It's Haney's mess and he's shifting it to me.

It's here

It's okay.

It's so...George Bush.

Jesus!

Jimmy Carter, there's a class act.

Joe Hollis?

Joe, it's me.

Let's do it.

Let's go.

Let's start at the front and move back.

Lf you do this for us...

Look, Tanner.

Looks like a U.

Meet us at the next station. That's where we'll pull them off

Muskrat Susie

My fellow Americans...

My mother has a commemorative plate with your face on it.

My nose is clean.

My parents proved that conclusively.

Name three women in Dc. you didn't bang when you were in office

Nice to have seen you.

No problem

No, stupid. I know you're supposed to look like.

Oh God, Margaret, come on now. Please.

Oh, man!

Oh, not good.

Okay, let's go.

Okay? I'll be in touch.

One that cheered him up.

One!

Picked up a lot of fresh produce at the farmer's market.

Please tell me it's Kramer.

Please...

Possibly we can lay the scandal on him

President Douglas.

President Kramer.

President Matthews.

Really?

Remind him these people are from the Netherlands, not nether regions.

Right. Enjoy the ride

Rumor has it a major scandal is about to blow...

Russell with the tiny penis?

Shoot them!

Shoot to kill!

Shut up. We don't want to piss her off

Somebody wants us dead, when they find we're not, they'll look for us.

Someone carved it?

Someone's here for you.

Stow it, sailor!

Sweet Jesus.

Thank you

Thank you, Russ. That's for you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

That way!

That'd open a whole new bag of cats

That's a Constellation. It was given to me by Gorbachev.

That's a U.S. government plate.

That's Presidents Kramer and Douglas.

The crash site is still secure We just adjust the time of the crash.

The first...

The only problem is if I drop this off at CNN Matthews gets thrown out...

Then it might not be so bad

There it goes again

There you go.

There, like riding a bike.

There's only one way that moron was ever going to become..

They deserve our respect.

They're coming.

They're down.

This is amazing.

This is going to be fun.

This is INS One One.

This'll make him very happy.

Tom and..

Too fast again.

Too little, too late. You'll never catch us.

Try to keep up with me, buster.

Two of America's biggest political rivals are making history

Utah!

Wait a minute.

Want to compare popularity polls?

We agreed that I would do it

We better button up the White House. If they get to the president..

We can't get cars through the block.

We fought bravely, but for us the time has come..

We grab them as soon as we can.

We have to ride with you so we can gain a personal perspective...

We have to talk...

We have? Where?

We march in these all the time

We were told we were going to Camp David to see Haney.

We won't have a long chat.

We've had that buried for years

We've sealed off the West Wing.

Well?

Were you in charge to take care of him?

What a lovely surprise

What about Charlie Reynolds?

What are you looking at?

What do you mean damn near?

What is this?

What the hell...?

What, a penny? Man, you are one cheap son of a bitch.

What?

What? Haney?

What'd I do?

What's up?

What's wrong?

What's your name?

When did this supposedly happen?

When I couldn’t sleep, I'd go downstairs and she'd make a dessert

When this is over, let's come back and look for my balls

Where are you?

Who knows this place better than us?

Why?

Will you excuse us a minute?

Will you stop whistling please? I'm trying to sleep over here.

Yeah, maybe in a couple years.

Yes, sir.

Yet to night, in spite of their almost overwhelming distaste for each other..

You can.

You could spit in a petri dish and start a whole civilization

You get the Oval Office.....

You go hide. I'll count from 100 and then come find you. Okay?

You haven't said anything about my book.

You made the right choice.

You said you wanted to maintain radio silence...

You wait one month then you try again.

You were the leader of the free world.

You've got plenty of options.

Come on! Sure you did! No, no, you just don't get it.

Good to see you. Welcome home, sir.

I can't Close your eyes.

Let go, please. No I won't.

Screw you. Blow me

Vodka tonic I'm sure we can swing that.

What are you doing?! It's the only way we'll get to Haney.

Would they? Of course, they would

You're crazy. It is true!

...and Carl Witnaur.