Crazy Stupid Love (2011) Soundboard Edit

Ahem. So do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom?

All right. Ahem. Excuse me.

Amy heard you crying in the bathroom. We all thought it was cancer.

And he thinks that you're way too pretty to be interesting and that's hogwash.

And I don't know if it's gonna work out.

And I fell so hard.

And I told him never to assume anything.

And I'd like her to settle for you.

And I'm looking at your breasts. What's that about?

And if it doesn't have a home.

And that just does not happen for accountants. Ever.

And that worked?

And the flavor is marvelous.

And to my...

Another vodka cranberry?

Are you ready to go?

Asshole. As in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes...

Be sure to fertilize all this.

Been hanging out here a lot?

Bernie?

Blah, blah, blah. Bleh.

But as someone that's mature, and old, and that's...

But I can promise you this:

But I can't take my eyes off of you. That's a fact, it's not a line.

But she said no.

But...

Can I take this off?

Come on, take a break. It'll be good for you to get out.

Cuckold.

Dad's here. I have to blindfold you.

Daddy, no. No, no, no. Stop it.

Did you see the headline today? What?

Do not cut the line. I need everyone to stay in your positions, okay?

Do you wanna buy me a drink? Yes.

Don't say it. Don't say it.

Even if she doesn't want one, you insist.

Ew. Friend to friend, ew.

Excuse me. Is this open?

Forever.

Giddyup.

Go away, we're good. Please don't come back ever

Go brush your teeth

Good afternoon.

Greece, Italy?

Greece, Italy.

Hannah, I did tell you that tonight would be a special night if you passed the bar.

Have a good night.

He scares the shit out of me.

He's a sweetheart. Look at him.

Hey, uh, everybody.

Hi, David. Get your stuff.

Honey, honey, I really can't see. Mom, I got you.

Honey?

How old are you?

I agree.

I am eating a caramel apple.

I don't care. I love him. I really do.

I don't know. I don't know what happened. Tough couple of days.

I don't know. Your life is so PG 13.

I got boring, is what I got.

I had Hannah when I was 17.

I have children, plural.

I have marked myself with a Scarlet J for you, Jessica.

I just thought you'd wanna know what I heard about your old pal Cal.

I love it.

I love you so much. Please?

I think it's fantastic that you're a better man.

I think my friends just got here.

I wasn't trying to show you.

I would like to thank you all for coming to Hannah Banana's goodbye party.

I'll leave tonight. I'll sign whatever you want. Just please stop talking about it.

I'm better than the Gap.

I'm just gonna write, Domestic disturbance, all clear.

I'm sorry about all the assholes.

If anything goes wrong I'm supposed to take her upstairs and put the TV on loud.

If you keep talking, I'm gonna get out

Interesting

Is that what you want? Is that the message you wanna send?

It can come into my space.

It has curtains.

It is your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity...

It sounded good to me when I was younger, but it just doesn't work that way

It wasn't, um...

It's beautiful forever.

It's kind of on the personal side.

It's okay.

Just one look.

Kids. Ice cream.

Left like a hundred messages.

Like really old?

Like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut

Like...

Listen, I worry about you, is all.

Look, Cal, it's not something that I wanted, okay?

Love sucks.

Maybe it's when you screwed David Lindhagen.

Me sitting there for the past two hours not being able to take my eyes off you is fact.

Me too. That other one's in jail, probably.

Mm hm.

Mm hm.

Mm mm.

Mm, mm.

Mm.

Mm. Ha, ha.

Mommy, look. Robbie's name.

More! Tell me more

Mr. Weaver.

My mom is very beautiful

My son... Not him, my actual son.

Nine?

No puppy eyes, you little maniac.

No, I wanna hit on her. The one behind her.

No, it says, Let's move on child obesity. Ha, ha.

No.

Of course I'm going.

Oh, I'm so full

Oh, my eyes! My eyes! My eyes!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That is not... What are you grabbing?

Oh, my God. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Oh, there's your mom. Let's go say hi.

Oh. Ha, ha.

Oh. Noth..

Oh. Well, thank you for the ego boost, but you know what?

Okay, people. Here it is.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. That's my Princess. Bye. Thanks.

Okay. You know what? It's time to go home.

One woman? That's great.

Probably married to that human Valium, Richard. I just...

Save room for my love.

Seals. My lips are seals.

See you soon.

Seriously? Seriously?

She always fights me.

She screws him.

She's a fox, right? Mm hm.

She's pointing at him? Oh.

So call me if you need anything. Bye.

So how is he? You know.

So much potential...

So should I get my car or yours? Should I pull the car around?

So you can be the one I love

So, Robbie, I hear you're quite the soccer player

So...

Sorry I'm late, I had to pick something up at Macy's.

Spreadsheets.

Still wanna take me home?

Take your ring off. Let's go.

Thank you, officer.

Thank you. A little toast.

That you.

That's... What?

They make this, like, gurgling sound, it's like:

They work for me.

This has got to stop, Robbie.

This is my life.

Took me like four weeks to make it. It has wheels.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Very smart.

We are gonna bang. Hmm?

We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.

We're gonna find it.

Well, first off, I have a huge rack.

What are you doing?

What do you wanna do with me?

What is wrong with you?

What, you think coffee and sleep don't mix?

What's with all the moping?

What's your mother like?

When we're done...

Which is good, because I'm pretty sure you're my soul mate.

Who is he?

Who would have that? I would. I have that.

Whoa, man.

Would you not mention to your parents that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know...

Would you put on some clothes, please?

Wow

Wow, you know what? Thank you, Richard.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, me too. Glad we switched babies at the hospital.

Yeah, there were a couple little blips, I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, he's...

Yep.

Yes, I am. And I've spoken to Principal...

Yes, I would have his babies.

Yes.

You know a word that is not used very often anymore?

You know I'll kill him if he hurts you.

You know the big move at the end where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?

You like her?

You love her or you don't. I know you do.

You okay?

You put that on his radar and he won't see you as a little girl anymore, that's for sure.

You ran in the other direction when you saw me coming down the hall yesterday.

You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom

You want me to hit on her?

You would?

You, get over here. Come on.

You're not following your father! Stop it!

Your love.

Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man..

Aah! Oh, my God. Emily. God.

And do I talk about myself? Never.

Cal Weaver. Let me buy you a drink, Cal.

Cal, what are you doing here? Oh, you two know each other?

Cal? Is that him?

Come on. God.

Come on. Mm... Oh...

Good for you, by the way. See you, buddy.

Good. Good, good. Really great. Oh, good.

Ha ha ha. What else do you have? Coin Bears.

Have you been to Waterville? I have, yeah

Hello. Hi

Hey, Nanna. Hi, cutie.

Honest or not honest? That's honest.

How do I know that? I don't know.

I don't. You do.

I think you're ready, pal. For what?

I want a divorce. Crème brûlée.

I'll have to call Nanna

I'm not gonna call him. No, it says you really should.

I'm sorry if she fought you. It's okay.

I've developed, like, a little crush... Could you do me a favor?

Is that you can rebuild your entire wardrobe with like 16 items.

Is this yours? Is this yours? Yes.

Let's get out of here. Okay.

More. Okay.

My life is not PG 13. Oh, it so is.

Nathaniel Hawthorne... Are you mad? I am your babysitter. You get down.

Objection. Leading the witness. Ha, ha

Oh, well, you know, it was just for work. Yeah.

Oh. Oh. Make this face:

Okay, okay, okay. All right, okay, okay, okay.

Okay. How much we really... Cal.

Okay. Why don't we?

Really? Really? Come on.

Run and jump. No.

Sbarro's? No, thanks.

Seriously? Sorry.

She's pretty. Ugh.

Shut up. Come on. That shit's depressing.

So is this how it normally works? What?

So permission to speak candidly, sir. Uh, think you've already gone there.

Stay out of it! No!

The love of my life. Ha ha ha.

Uh... It's weird.

Wait, how old is he? Old

What are you doing later? Ha, ha. I don't know.

What are you, a lawyer? Yeah. A little bit

What word did you win on? It was so stupid.

What, are you in a fraternity? Are you insane?

Who are you? David Lindhagen.

Whoo! Ha, ha. Banana. Hannah.

Yeah? Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. I can do that.

Yeah. No way. Break up right now.

You do. I don't.

You wanna get out of here? Yeah.

You're driving. I am.

...and I am prepared to shoot you with it.

...but that was mostly just because I was cold and wet...

...forms perfectly to the shape of my head.

...from a shady Internet site...

...is that I'm so glad you bought me that ice cream.

...she's gonna rue the day she ever decided to give up on you

...which I wasn't supposed to tell you. Nice to meet you.

...you know, stable and employed adult.

'Cause I've had the time of my life.