Master of None - Season 2 Edit

A bit pedestrian, don't you think?

A five year old boy was found alive, clinging to an inner tube

A guy sent me his penis and was like, "This is my penis."

A guy swallowed it.

A helicopter tour of New York City!

A little barbecue.

A lot of food together, I have a feeling.

A lot of my matches are Indian women.

A lot of them.

A lot of times.

A month ago I knew everything about me

A N D, "toes23."

A night cap with my Cap?

A piece of tile?

A quick Jabba bow to pay our respects.

A second opinion on a vacuum, you bail?

A secret identity issue or what it is,

A T H O T.

A time to respond, Jeff. Do you see this?

A trick I'm gonna perform on the show?

A... a relationship that's dying?

Aah!

About how I looked.

About this Clash of the Cupcakes thing.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. I'm real good with pets.

Accusing you of sexually inappropriate conduct.

Actually not a bad idea.

Actually, it's not.

Actually, sir, I have many different jobs for many people.

Actually, that sounds like a good idea.

Actually, you're right.

After I left LA, I moved to New York,

After ten years that you are with a person,

After we're done shooting,

Again, I apologize.

Again?

Agree to disagree.

Ah, come on, man. Let's just go.

Ah, damn.

Ah, I think I'm probably gonna go with mine.

Ah, it's disgusting.

Ah, it's gonna be sensational.

Ah, man, I felt a little self conscious in it,

Ah, so you speak a little English?

Ah, that's great.

Ah, this is awesome.

Ah, well, full disclosure.

Ah, yeah, I like Cozyville.

Ah, yes, of course. He's right this way.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Mamma mia!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah...

Ahh.

Ain't no party like a cupcake party

Alaikum salaam.

All around the world,

All MTA bus and subway service is suspended,

All my shit is out there on the street!

All of her nieces and nephews started

All right, all right, fair enough, fair enough.

All right, all right.

All right, all right.

All right, bathroom break.

All right, but if they make a Little Boys app,

All right, calm down!

All right, climb out, man.

All right, dick. Do you want to come or...

All right, Ernestine, hurry up and say this prayer.

All right, guys, it's a 30 minute show.

All right, guys, uh, we ready to order?

All right, guys.

All right, hold on.

All right, how do we skip the prayer?

All right, I ain't stepping in, but I'm gonna call 911.

All right, I do know him.

All right, I have to go and watch some Super Singer.

All right, I need to, like, step out for a little bit of air for a sec.

All right, I send it to everyone,

All right, I think we'll make it.

All right, I was kidding earlier, but the phrase "curry people"...

All right, I'll be right back.

All right, I'll go with you. It's fine.

All right, I'm leaving.

All right, I'm sorry.

All right, I've heard through the g****vine

All right, it was fun seeing you do your rounds.

All right, it was good to see you.

All right, last question.

All right, Lawrence, what if, you know,

All right, let's go.

All right, let's go.

All right, let's see.

All right, let's... I'm gonna finish the peas.

All right, Magnificent Kenny, well, the competition is over,

All right, man.

All right, now try this. I think you'll really love it.

All right, okay, okay.

All right, should we go back to this wedding?

All right, so be honest.

All right, so everything's a contest for us,

All right, so they pulled the car out, and it's okay to drive.

All right, so... I wanted to talk to you

All right, start it off with some cocktails at PDT.

All right, stop freaking out.

All right, tell him thanks.

All right, that's enough Ravi time.

All right, try this wine. It's amazing.

All right, um...

All right, we can't do that one.

All right, we're gonna add a little broth.

All right, well,

All right, well, I'll probably head out.

All right, what the fuck?

All right, yeah.

All right, you do one. You start one.

All right, you guys have fun.

All right, you know Erica?

All right, you show me your messages, I'll show you mine.

All right, your ratings have held solid all year long.

All right!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Bye.

All right. Don't stress. I'm here. It's gonna be fine.

All right. Let's do it quick, though.

All right. Let's just, like, wave goodbye.

All right. So we'll say you're Lebanese.

All right. What the fuck is this?

All righty.

All those works, meetings everywhere,

All your parties are like that in your commercials.

Allora!

Allora.

Allora.

Allora.

Allora...

Allora...

Allora...

Also has a metal arm? Real name Bucky Barnes?

Also, this Asian couple is ahead of us.

Although the nickname DD was starting to grow on me.

Always a good temperature for the prayer.

Am I doing it right?

Am I evil?

Am I wrong?

Amazing.

An extra special taste test for us today.

And a hat that says "Ratch."

And a lot of people thought she was Beyoncé!

And a personal relationship.

And a veggie green curry... medium spicy.

And after our buds weekend,

And after this little mini premiere,

And again! And again!

And again! And again!

And all non emergency vehicles must be off roads

And all your dead family members."

And all your wedding stuff's on Saturday, right?

And also the kitchen closes at 10:00 tonight,

And ano... Another one?

And at one point, he crossed the line.

And at the end, she said I wasn't, like, her type physically.

And by the way, I'm Arnold, and this is Brian.

And by the way, I'm the girl.

And cool guys there all the time.

And do some posing like this.

And drink.

And everything changed.

And for lunch I had a boring salad.

And for the last couple years, I've been working as a lawyer,

And for the record,

And for you guys?

And forget about it.

And Frank is more of an intellectual.

And get thee to your nearest theater.

And get this money, you hear me?

And getting pulled out of airport security lines.

And go.

And guess what she did after I sent the kissy.

And guests of your show.

And have fun and see magic.

And he doesn't speak English.

And he knows how to do a classic wave and kiss.

And he offered her a ride home. And she accepted.

And he plays it throughout the vineyards,

And he was like,

And he was like, "Ooh whee.

And he was walking around his neighborhood,

And he'd do weird shit like slip me his room key.

And he's a bit shaken up.

And he's paralyzed now.

And he's very excited that you're dating someone of my ethnicity.

And her hair is also nice.

And here are so big, and you can have everything you need.

And here we are, you marrying a man that may as well be my doppelganger.

And hosting Clash of the Cupcakes

And how is your pasta making going?

And I almost punched him in his face.

And I also want to thank the Jabbawockeez

And I announce the winners at the end.

And I believe that Crispen, the conductor,

And I booked the wrong Lance Burton.

And I can make those decisions, I can eat what I want,

And I can't believe it.

And I didn't see 'em.

And I don't think it's right to pretend to be.

And I get that. You're right.

And I got to come clean.

And I gotta see that again! And again!

And I have been dressing like the Da Brat since preschool.

And I have some terrible news.

And I hid it under the bathroom sink.

And I hope you guys are happy.

And I hope your path is filled with happiness and fulfillment.

And I I want to eat the crispy pork with the broccoli.

And I just don't want to put a couple thousand dollars

And I just got to take a little nap.

And I knew that I was going to marry Pino

And I know her nanny.

And I know you can, too.

And I live in Buckingham Palace.

And I may freak the fuck out.

And I might be able to meet someone later.

And I never left.

And I think that place is really boring.

And I think you had a big part to do with that.

And I want to do the same for you.

And I was in that room too.

And I was like, "Did I fuck this up?"

And I was like, "Not much."

And I... I don't think

And I'd like to reveal my winner

And I'll have that. That sounds good.

And I'm 33 years old,

And I'm a big old White Castle, so...

And I'm Dev Shah.

And I'm engaged, and there's nothing I can do about it.

And I'm getting out of here.

And I'm gonna be on my own all the time.

And I'm pretty sure you weren't into it.

And I'm the most offended.

And if I make a move and it doesn't go well,

And if I'm doing it for seven seasons,

And if they hit a button on your face,

And if you give the medicine to Diana, she will go insane.

And if you have any favorite animals, we can cut it.

And in Italy are so tiny and old,

And in this one, she gets cheated on?

And it could be my version of Jeff's Table.

And it felt good.

And it must be very difficult to fast with all those tasty cupcakes at work.

And it pays that good money!

And it really helps open up the depth of flavor within the g****s.

And it sounds like you're having a fairly intimate conversation.

And it was so long ago. Uh, what is that phrase?

And it was very good, means, very good.

And it's a little bit... how do you say it? Um...

And it's fresh. It's new.

And it's gonna go away for a stupid reason.

And it's time for these cupcakes to clash.

And it's time for these cupcakes to clash.

And it's totally working.

And John Legend just played the piano in a room,

And just throw it away?

And just walked in on a roomful of "pinos" in a steam shower?

And Katie.

And leave them forever.

And let me know what you think about it?

And let that simmer for a nice, hot 20.

And Megan.

And my belly.

And my date was like, "Uh, what's up?"

And my man Dev Shah right here.

And my mom. It's a lot, man.

And never come back?

And never visit.

And no more eating mangoes behind the desk, please.

And no offense, I don't know if Clash of the Cupcakes

And not a nude burglar

And now "Chef Jeff is a perv" is trending on Twitter!

And now she's getting married.

And now you're like,

And now, full disclosure.

And our host for the evening, Chef Jeff.

And place cups on top of them.

And placed it in this deck, am I right?

And play us a tune, man?

And said you've been inappropriate with them.

And Samoa Joe is about to hit him with the muscle buster,

And save me?

And see if I can quit?

And see where it goes.

And she knows Chef Massimo.

And she probably watches Cupcakes.

And she said he hit on her

And she totally changed everything.

And she was like, "Hey, Chef Jeff, I'm married."

And she was like, "I talked to him.

And she's been using it quite frequently lately.

And shut the fuck up.

And sing her favorite song, "Can You Stand the Rain."

And smelling like lemon air freshener.

And so the cops are like, "We'll look into it."

And so to quote Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,

And some fresh mozz that we made here in the house.

And some lady called the cops and said,

And some might even say a fake Arnold,

And some sage advice from my little bud over there,

And sometimes you say you can't because you drank too much.

And supports you no matter what and all that stuff?

And tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.

And that I'm not crazy.

And that's where I work now.

And the avocado and the farro.

And the dance is over...

And the minute she got in the car, he made a move on her.

And the thing about this ramen

And the timing has worked out

And the winner is

And then give you kissies.

And then he drew two big old titties.

And then I came here and...

And then I found out later that he dated four Indian girls before me.

And then I watched it again.

And then it just got a little out of hand.

And then just staring at that gigantic engagement ring.

And then like a week later,

And then motherfuckin' flood gates opened up.

And then one night he's, like,

And then one of the Wockeez

And then there is this one.

And then we found the spreadsheets

And then we got to the second club, and nobody was there.

And then we had some kissing in the cab.

And then we hit a little rough patch that we're in now.

And then we went to this roof bar.

And then what?

And then when I got home, I watched that movie Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

And then you can send each other messages

And then you go out on a date.

And there is a tornado of Iberian flavor

And there is bruto cornuto.

And there was a naked woman sat on my couch,

And there was this white girl, Marissa,

And there's so many times I just wanted to grab you and kiss you.

And they go over there, and they try to talk to him,

And think about that studio audience?

And this ain't Leo at the Oscars.

And this is Raven Live!

And this is what she did.

And this one restaurant even put her photo on the wall,

And this...

And three.

And to eat.

And toss you in the ocean

And was rescued by the...

And watch that.

And we actually leave on Sunday,

And we call it...

And we can continue having a joyous time in New York together.

And we didn't think they knew, but they did!

And we know it's against Wockee code to talk,

And we were out one time, and I said, "Hey, Marissa, do you want a drink?"

And we would have kids

And we would probably

And we would watch Clash of the Cupcakes together,

And we, like, became more like roommates and not really lovers,

And we'll talk about this stuff later.

And we're gonna cancel this whole fucking wedding.

And we've been texting a little bit.

And what I'm gonna show you right now

And when they find out that their kid is gay,

And when we're together, oh, it's great.

And when you say it,

And when you see a face you like, you hit a button,

And when you're done, do you think

And with this weather...

And you ain't finished the one in front of you?

And you got no one else.

And you got those Jasmine Guy posters up for years.

And you guys are gonna get married.

And you haven't noticed until now.

And you just toss me aside.

And you know how forgetful she is.

And you know the thing about it is?

And you know what else I heard is cool?

And you lick my vagina.

And you look to each other like,

And you moved here, like, just after you broke up, right?

And you watch your tone.

And you.

And you're a new face.

And you're gonna get on Raven Live!

And you're heading out?

And your kids are like trophies.

And your spouse is cheating on you."

And your upbeat attitude, it got us through, man.

And, Denise, you a black woman,

And, Dev, will you be joining us?

And, like, every other woman on the crew.

And, like, flaunt it around everywhere in front of everybody.

And, like, I'm never gonna fuck him.

And, like, went through all this oncoming traffic...

And, somehow, I wind up in the bathroom

And, uh, I like Michelle.

And, um, the carpet's very soft, too.

And, we have...

And...

Andiamo.

Another shot with it in there.

Any leftovers?

Anything comes out of the butt,

Anything. What is it?

Anyway, Arnie's in Italia.

Anyway, he flew us out to the Hamptons.

Anyway, you want to see, uh,

Apparently he's been harassing women for years

Apparently, he retired a few years ago.

Apparently, the network definitely wants to get a shot

Approximately three miles off the coast of Florida this morning

Are Asian men and black women.

Are closed.

Are you all right?

Are you any good?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me? Go get help.

Are you gonna stay here forever?

Are you hoping for more?

Are you into hockey?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? I would love that show.

Are you on the app?

Are you ready?

Are you saving your energy for the later part?

Are you sure I'm supposed to see a dolphin?

Are you sure you don't want to be my plus one?

Are you sure?

Are you taking my phone?

Are you the Ramaniac?

Are you trying to kiss me?

Aren't you glad you expanded your culinary horizons beyond Italian?

Aren't you scared you'll get hit by a car and die?

Arigato.

Arnie, you're gonna block all these kids' views.

Arnie's jealous.

Arnold, this is Kristy. Kristy, Arnold.

Arnold, wow! Oh, my God.

Arnold.

As a travel show?

As friends?

As he liked to call himself,

As salaam alaikum, Dev.

As weak as we are divided."

Ask him if you can use his phone.

Ask not what your cupcakes can do for you.

Ask what you can do for your cupcakes.

Asking me out for drinks.

Assolutamente.

Assuming this person was involved with your boyfriend

At a bar or something that we'd hit it off?

At a certain point, I was like,

At Casa de Jeff?"

At MSG for our anniversary.

At once.

At the 2009 All Star Game.

At the electronic store on Corso Canalchiaro.

At the Park Hyatt hotel in Shanghai?

At this point.

Aunt Joyce?

Auntie, Uncle, what are you guys doing in town?

Aw, oh, I love miniatures.

Aw. Well, I'll be here.

Awesome!

Aww.

B b boom.

B by the way... Sorry.

Baby brother that.

Baby brother this.

Baby, that is her business.

Back in five, four, three,

Bacon is pork. We are Muslims.

Bad news. The magician guy Lance Burton?

Banging on my hotel room door for, like, ten minutes.

Basketball scholarship would've come in real handy right now.

Baumheiser Slicers are the best in the biz, baby,

Be quiet. I'll do the talking.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Because he's huge. And he doesn't seem very nice...

Because I had a really fun month?

Because I love pharmacies...

Because in this case, it would've been very useful

Because it's not simple like that, and...

Because mine are chubbier.

Because of the car thing.

Because she just broke up with her boyfriend,

Because you got to compromise.

Because you were bad at hosting?

Beef carpaccio Piemontese,

Beer.

Before I knew if I'd have any friends.

Before the night was over, I had New Edition come through

Being gay isn't something black people love to talk about.

Believe me, he's a legend.

Bella.

Bernard, you may be a smaller Arnold

Besides, I was your 15th choice anyway.

Best

Best episode ever.

Best Food Friends.

Best Food Friends.

Best Food Friends.

Best Food Friends.

Best...

Best... Food... Friends.

Better smile.

BFFs, that's right, thank you.

BFFs:

BFFs!

Big fan of yuzu.

Black Galaxy. What do you think?

Black, huh? Blacker than that.

Boing!

Bollocks!

Bollocks.

Boom.

Both of you climb inside.

Both women have broken up with me.

Bottle of champagne there, I brought that for you.

Bottle service!

Bragging about picking up Ronald Seinfeld.

Bravo.

Bravo.

Breaking news that I would be remiss

Bro, come on, what are you doing?

Bro, I've told him that a thousand times.

Bro, that was very powerful.

Brother and uncle.

Buckingham Palace?

Bullshit!

Bullshit! Fuck that.

Buona notte.

Buona notte.

Buona sera!

Buona sera!

Buonanotte!

Buonanotte.

Buonanotte.

Busy, beautiful, badass

But after some unpasteurized cheese

But are you Dev from Clash of the Cupcakes?

But as of now on the Internet,

But at least she didn't disown me,

But at my shop, I get it for free.

But at the same time, it's amazing.

But at the same time, it's quite a conundrum.

But did anything happen to the cops?

But do you even know this woman?

But don't be making eyes and rubbing backs and getting all fresh.

But either way,

But everything else is custom charming stuff just for you.

But for both of them.

But have a good time. All right, bye.

But he asked if you tried the "find your iPhone" program.

But he hasn't helped me.

But he is a very nice guy.

But he's going to Boston on Thursday night.

But how do you know who's for the season and who's for the reason?

But I ain't got to hide who I am.

But I also like strawberry frosting, too.

But I at least want my child to date a girl who got some sense.

But I choose it.

But I did, uh, date this white guy once,

But I don't think you wanted to marry Ellen.

But I don't want to be sad.

But I figured I'd go back to my date

But I got my days free, so I've been

But I got to be honest... I saw this coming from a mile away.

But I guess not.

But I had to say something,

But I have Pino with me.

But I haven't done anything.

But I know you got a rep in this town.

But I need to choose one.

But I promise you'll get over this.

But I was able to get a replacement judge.

But I woke up late at night,

But I... I don't think it's the right fit for me.

But I'm glad you like it.

But I'm just glad you in college and you ain't pregnant and on drugs.

But I'm never gonna fuck him again.

But I'm still the same person.

But I'm watching you.

But I've been drinking a lot of wine today.

But if Ellen loves you, you must have a huge heart.

But in my opinion, it's filled with a whole lot of life.

But it was all right.

But it was fun to flirt and joke around with someone.

But it's best for both of us, believe me.

But it's BFFs.

But it's not. It's Pino, and I'm with him.

But it's okay

But look, man, I understand, okay?

But maybe also hang out with us. Make us some pasta.

But my driver went to the wrong address, so...

But normally he sketches funny things that happen at the station.

But now she's all up in my business.

But rather we've been transported

But really doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

But she didn't have the heart to tell them!

But she doesn't seem into it, you know?

But she made me this fantastic stew.

But since we are engaged, he's just taking everything for granted.

But thank you again for dinner.

But the thing about this car

But then Ambrose put him into a crossface chickenwing.

But then I said, "Wait, wait, wait."

But then we're on the road,

But then you agreed it'd be good to check out the vibe.

But there's definitely parts I just can't keep up with.

But there's no denying that Ellen really shaped me,

But they did make me go to temple as a kid.

But they just opened up the branch in New York

But they missed the lollipop.

But they're engaged?

But this time, it's with me.

But to be honest, I can't see

But we just wanted to come give you

But what I want you to do

But whatever's going on, hope you're very happy.

But when I need a friend to give me

But when you come up in here, you gonna respect my house.

But when you do it in front of Mom,

But you ain't a perv too, are you?

But you ain't got to worry about me and pregnancy.

But you don't know Dev ain't black?

But you got some amazing bites.

But you have to. It's in the contract.

But you haven't explored your own roots yet.

But you know how the story goes.

But you know the thing about love is that it's...

But you know what I'm saying.

But you know what? I'm not religious.

But you mind not talking so much during the movie?

But you're on a really cool ladder, man.

But your show helped me through a tough time.

But, like, where's the line, right?

But, uh, I got here today,

But...

But...

But...

But...

But...

But... I have an idea.

But... what am I gonna do, sue Food TV?

By his insatiable love of model trains.

By my security detail.

By that time, I didn't even want the pudding.

By the way, I just popped a Lunesta, so I might be a little sleepy in a bit.

By the way, I'm the only white guy in this restaurant.

By the way, thanks for that tuck in.

By the way, you may have heard of my dad, John Larkin.

By which I mean, if you get weird,

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Good luck.

Cabrera's running.

Call 911!

Call your phone and see if it rings. Then he can't deny it.

Came forward with this blog post

Can I ask you a question that you might find a little offensive?

Can I ask you...

Can I bail?

Can I be honest?

Can I borrow your phone?

Can I eat this chocolate even if I don't have diarrhea?

Can I have some more melon?

Can I have the blanket? It's a bit cold.

Can I humbly request a tile talk moratorium?

Can I just say, it's pretty fucked up

Can I meet you at your apartment?

Can I tell you something?

Can we also have a little taste?

Can we do something together again?

Can we eat something else?

Can we go in?

Can we go meet them now?

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Can we hire someone that... how do you say... draw a face...

Can we not talk about this, please?

Can we please talk about O.J.?

Can we say grace?

Can we sit together?

Can we stay here forever?

Can we talk about our sex life for a minute?

Can we?

Can you carry me on your shoulders for a little while?

Can you come to the store with me and get a vacuum?

Can you come?"

Can you cut other animal shapes?

Can you fucking believe this, man?

Can you give my little Frank his medicine?

Can you make me your special chocolate milk?

Can you pass me the blanket?

Can you say it slowly?

Can you take a sip of this wine

Can you tell me what it means?

Can't believe you guys never taught me the bad words

Cap, we got to jump in.

Cap...

Captain's update is the ship's fucking sinking.

Captain's update.

Carrara will look better.

Casper Smart, the dancer.

Casual wink or flirty wink?

Catherine, let that child wear what she want to wear.

Caught up in the moment.

Certainly.

Certo! That means "of course."

Certo.

CFO and chief dream ambassador of Mumbai Muscle,

Check out my new biz cards.

Check out my profile pic.