Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law - Season 2 Edit

A 5 day waiting period To buy a telecaster?

A background check when you want To take up the banjo?

A benevolent ish Dictator,

A big case, Involving the law.

A couple of notches To blackwatch plaid!

A cowboy sheriff.

A dog cage. It's awful.

A monitoring station Quietly hidden underneath The cornfields in

A real purple mountain majesty.

A society driven By sprockets!

A technological marvel That gives us items Such as this!

A time when men would walk The streets

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! i never could!

Aah! You asked for it!

Aaugh!

About going through superty.

After i saved His daughter From the cossacks,

Aggressive behavior, And withered testicles.

Ah, here they are.

Ah, that's better.

Ahem. We find The defendant...Not guilty.

All righty, then, Let's get started.

All righty, then. Ha ha ha!

All the other guys got Their strength from real stuff.

Almost there!

Also, i've noticed A couple of you

Alter the course Of the entire future?

An all out ban On the flying v?

An ordinary, Run of the mill duck

And ugh! Back off, you grotesque

And a little flatbread On the side.

And besides, did we even

And ceilings?

And every conversation You have on it

And everything's Missing.

And for added security,

And for everyone's Safety and security

And full of Juices h roosevelt!

And get him his rabies shot.

And he loves furniture.

And he really needs Someone to talk to.

And he's spending All of his time

And hold them accountable!

And i don't know about you, But, ooh, i'm freezing!

And i never Saw him use steroids.

And i submit to you That is the god given Constitutional right

And i was wondering If you would, uh...

And i won't ask Any questions.

And i would imagine you would Want to hide these gadgets.

And i'm going to need An assistant.

And interrupting So you don't hear

And it's been brought To my attention

And not just orally.

And not the big kind That win prizes,

And now they want To euthanize him.

And omniscient, Unblinking Information gathering

And opening. On one...

And painfully unfocused Democratic party.

And pull out a piece Of equipment

And push a button,

And remove this horrible blot From the laff a lympics.

And roll over The citizenry

And somehow manage To control your bowels,

And sure, i got a pro career And riches and fame,

And talk to him about it.

And tell us the percentage

And tell us: what are the common Symptoms of steroid abuse?

And that is why i will Never give this up.

And the fainting Couch. Gone!

And then Johnny law swoops in.

And to preserve Our way of life,

And to prove it, i say we start With mr. Fr

And use it Against you?

And what, you think I have nothing Better to do

And while the good people of The national guitar association

And whoever stole The items in question Can just put them back

And you make it small again.

And you needed A paralegal/shaman.

And your boyfriend!

And, oh, yeah, some priests.

And, well, There were bills to pay, and

And...

And...

Another Concealed instrument?

Another sign...

Any minute now. Good things come To those who wait.

Anyway, i think I have a suspect.

Anyway, you're fine. You're solar powered.

Anyways, just cutting in to Remind you of our threat level,

Aquaman, where are you?

Are you going to make A left turn

Arms sales.

As you can see,

Ass in air!

Assassination.

Astro, he he's fallen behind!

Avenger, what have i told you About marking territory and...

Awww...

Baba louie? Baba louie!

Back off, Shrink gun!

Because they didn't have belts.

Because, see, no one knows The future except me!

Big tobacco, little tobacco,

Birdman called me.

Birdman on tape: I was wondering if You've considered

Birdman, i need you To notarize this.

Birdman: a big case?

Birdman: your name?

Birdman!

Birdman! what? I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Body: did you get That thing i sent you?"

Boo woo, You!

Boo woo! stalin!

Boop!

Bounces to a giant Monitoring station.

Brandishing edgar winter's Special edition

Breathtaking global Marketing event,

Brr! brr! brr!

Brutal! i had To push the button

Burgled! plundered! Purloined!

But any shred Of our privacy as well.

But as you can see From the next board

But every time i go To get something out,

But for the sake Of the aimless

But how could they have Foreseen the fretless bass?

But i don't...See it...In here.

But it will cost you, birdman.

But needless Features, the

But nobody's heard Of yakky doodle!

But somehow more powerful,

But the baby grand's Still missing.

But there was a dark side, too, And i can tell you

But you sure we're not Talking about you? ha ha!

But...I have here in my hand From the future...

By ratcheting up The alert level

By suing...Let's see...

By the constitution.

Can you get us something Away from the kitchen?

Can you help me Find my sheep?

Can you imagine If the games came here?

Captioned by the national Captioning institute www.Ncicap.Org

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Captioning made possible by Turner entertainment group

Cells dividing, doubling In number every second.

Chipping, chipping away At a right guaranteed

Color coded Crime alert system.

Come here, boy. Come on, boy, come here.

Come here.

Come on, what are we talking About here, "global warming?"

Congratulations.

Corn a little too much.

Crammed with more Amazingly clever

Cut to the quick, Birdman.

Dad boobs.

Did video ever definitively Kill the radio star?

Did you know i won The silver in '62?

Do it!

Do you have something You want to share

Do you not value our Very way of life?

Do you not?

Do you really think We'd all be safer

Do you support The thief?

Do you think I'm that petty?

Doctor, can you tell us The results of the urine test?

Doctors, dentists, astrologists,

Does it matter What size my shield is?

Doesn't wear pants, We've never seen his testicles.

Don't bite.

Don't look at me!

Don't touch the walls, please.

Don't you understand?

Each and every time he Opened his trench coat,

Eh! aah! aah!

Either that or it was The constitutional amendment

Elroy?

Enhance. Contrast. Tint. Bright.

Enlarging revenue, And lots of good, firm growth.

Et varius in ducere plumas.

Every cellular phone, No matter how small,

Every conversation Is scanned for key words.

Every month a new one Smaller and smaller

Every one of these despots

Every phone has A serial number.

Everybody get in here.

Everybody get in here.

Everyone get in here.

Everything's gone.

Excuse me.

Far, far away in the field.

Feel the burn.

Fertilizer. Same sex marriages.

Find someone Who likes this sort of thing.

First one cell, then two.

First step, Mark your territory.

For completely ruining The planet.

For peanut.

For the conference call?

For the inevitable verdict.

For the people versus g**** ape.

For this proceeding,

Foremost in Your mind, but

Freedom of speech, Freedom of religion,

Freeze!

Friendly. No no stabby, stabby.

Frisking. Cavity searches.

From being in those films In the eighties.

From the games.

G gaah!

Gadget out, uh, People, uh...

Gigi says her breasts Weren't meant for feeding.

Give me a last known address Or just s s something!

Give me a pen.

Give me ashtray.

Give me lighter.

Given to me by The king of prussia

Gleep, gleep, gleep, gleep.

Go ahead!

Gone!

Good boy. Good boy.

Got a tape of it from The camera on walnut street.

G**** ape!

Great great great great great

Great great great great great Great granddad!

Great way to start His performance today.

Grenada, '83.

Guaranteed us Certain protections.

Guess who's running For president?

Guilty, guilty, guilty Can you believe this?

Guilty!

Guilty.

Ha ha ha! "bi"

Ha ha ha! i wish.

Ha ha ha! Third kind!

Ha ha ha. Loins.

Ha ha!

Ha ha! monitored?

Ha ha. Co oh, yes. Here we go.

Ha! a serial number?

Ha...Ooh!

Hand over your crest!

Hands at 10 and 2.

Hard bargainers, the greeks, But damn it,

Hardly had to use The cattle prod.

Harvey, the laff a lympics Committee.

Harvey.

Has fallen asleep on the job

Have slipped back Into being able to Concentrate on your work

Have we lost sight Of the one important thing:

Have you ever found it An impediment

Have you stopped to consider Its awe inspiring beauty?

He approaches the bench.

He doesn't understand english.

He is just asleep, right?

He was charged with carrying A concealed weapon.

He's a hairy guy, About 7 feet tall,

He's looking At some hard time, amigo.

He's ready to have relations With a villain,

He's too hairy Not to be.

Heh. We're natural hi. Bye.

Hello there, Little baby, smookie poo.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello. And who Do we have here?

Hello. Mail bomb.

Help me tear this.

Here we go.

Here we go. Steroids tests Are unreliable

Here, give me your phone. I'll show you.

Here.

Here.

Here's the man who will Prove the ape is clean

Here's your new Electronic assistant,

Hey, can i have that back?

Hey, can i have That back?

Hey, what's that?

Hey, zardo, look.

Hey!

His first time is a gentle, Nurturing, positive

Hmm, arrested For arresting someone.

Hmm. [bang]

Ho ho, watch out, That's a loaded

Hold on.

Hold on. I have to change phones.

Hold on. I've got the remote.

Hold still. Too bad You'll be working too hard

Hoo!

How did you deal with it?

How you like me now, somalia? Friggin' losers!

Huh?

Huh? Interesting!

Huh.

Hurting me! Hurting me!

I i i've been playing around With that one,

I actually get to have sex With a woman!

I ask you: have we forgotten The spirit of the games?

I can, but then I'll have to kill you.

I didn't even Pull it out yet.

I didn't write that, it was On some asshole's website.

I don't see That one in here.

I don't think so.

I feel so unclean.

I felt something happening.

I forget the other ones.

I forgot, i have to do A magic show for my nephew in 5,

I go to work 3 hours a day

I have a conference Call at 2:00.

I have no choice but To introduce a battery

I have the receipt for it Right here!

I have to go Back to reading Everyone's e mails...

I just remembered i'm Almost out of minutes.

I just spilled A glass of water on my bed.

I kinda like it, too.

I leave last night With everything

I mean, Court's adjourned!

I mean, we're not The criminals here, right?

I must...Resist...

I present you with this gift.

I respectfully ask you,

I say we find the insensitive, Short sighted,

I suggest we all sit back, Relax, and wait

I swear, somewhere I heard music start playing.

I think he's so hot "

I think that about covers it.

I think we have the edge. They ate one of the delegates

I think.

I was wondering if you've Considered the privacy issue.

I will head shrink you.

I will shrink you. Yes.

I wonder what profound, Immeasurable effects

I would consider him Dangerous.

I... Wish i'd written it.

I'd like to call My own medical expert.

I'd like to quote From the roman poet Quintus horatius flaccus.

I'll be dining, of course, Off menu this evening.

I'll say!

I'll say.

I'll take the case!

I'm a spy.

I'm a victim.

I'm an upstandin' citizen.

I'm e ecstatic!

I'm gonna cover my eye,

I'm gonna raise the warning System from blackwatch plaid

I'm g**** ape, And we're "natural hi."

I'm having a blast in here.

I'm holding the phone up to my

I'm in the knights of columbus, For pete's sake.

I'm just nervous About my first time.

I'm setting the boys here

I'm sorry you all Have to stand.

I'm sorry. I believe I got off point.

I'm taking a drastic Step and putting up A security camera.

I'm your...

I've been A baaad bo peep.

I've heard that somewhere.

I've installed a ticker In the cafeteria.

I've never even seen a steroid.

I've taken every drug Known to man,

If everyone were walking around With a sunburst rickenbacker

If he had an experience With an actual villain

If he, she, or it wants to.

If it's brown, Flush it down...Maybe.

If there was just some way

If this is birdman, Tell me where you were

In advance.

In an apron.

In conclusion,

In damages.

In the carpet Where it stood.

In the future, That's how we input data

In the future, where you're, Ahem, from,

In the lavatories.

In their pocket?

In there with you?

In your own words

In your trench coat.

Into machines we call "computers

Is it hot or not?

Is it ok if my power bands Stick out an angle

Is that it?

Is this the kind of support You plan on giving us?

It is against Sebben and sebben regulations

It is up to you to defend our Right to keep and bear guitars.

It was the most beautiful thing.

It was to pull out A critical tool

It's a beautiful thing.

It's a good line.

It's a new day, A new, profitable, New, efficient, new day.

It's a slippery slope, Mr. Birdman,

It's done just like that!

It's easy to forget Its humble beginnings

It's just that I've been so busy and

It's like He's right here with me.

It's neat!

It's not like He's out to tape us.

It's not like I can just go out

It's people!

It's saying, "mommy Needs more money."

It's them! Those men!

It's this guy.

It's too cold at nightfall!

It's you!

Jeez.

Judge!

Just for their own pleasure.

Just gettin' that out there.

Just one. For safety, security,

Just tell me What you want me to do.

Just this!

Keep it right there.

Keep smiling! use the teeth!

Keep your eyes out For him.

Keep your thoughts To yourself, birdman.

Know how i know that? yeah, yeah. Mind taking.

Krizneks?

Ladies and gentlemen Of the jury,

Ladies and gentlemen Of the jury,

Ladies and gentlemen, Since the guitar lobby is paying

Last tuesday At 10:37 p.M.

Leading us inevitably Toward chaos and anarchy.

Lighter...Oh, flamethrower.

Like diapers.

Like here, i'll reach For my telescoping camera.

Like, i don't know, Installing a camera In the ladies room.

Liking it. Liking it.

Look out! Heh heh heh!

Look, i was wondering If you could do me a favor.

Look, son, you're gonna have To take your dog here,

Looks like the squirrel's Been showing everyone Where he keeps his nuts.

Male and female end.

Man in fez, man in clogs, Mm [click click] mbutu.

Man kilt, god rest his soul.

Man: Let's see. Gum wrapper.

Maybe as a little gift For the new dad,

Maybe i should just Sing it instead.

Mentok! The mind taker!

Met the unshrinkable!

Might like you to think Otherwise,

Mind the lines.

Mm [click click] mbutu, junior.

Mm hmm. This can wait.

Monitoring station!

More like the board of erectors!

Moses

Mr. Arg!

Mr. Birdman, Shall not be infringed.

Mr. Birdman.

Mr. Draw, I'm harvey bir

Mr. F

Mr. F heh heh!

Mr. Fr r r Mr. oh!

Mr. Free

Mr. Frizz

Mr. Frizz kaah!

Mr. Squirrel, can you Tell us what you do?

Multiplying and multiplying

Mussolini! Mao tse tung!

My client regularly Has to open his coat

My client would like to make His own closing statements.

My father took me to watch Two bison mate.

My office!

Nah, we came back To sue you all

Needed a job for his son,

Never fear, madam.

Next time it happens, You take my shrink gun,

Next time. Spatial relationships.

Next to the 14 foot high Golden buddha.

No crowd, No television audience,

No matter how perfectly Tiny and miniature,

No medal, no judges to say if A maneuver was below the belt,

No tags.

No way. Call someone else.

No, no, It's not that.

No, the annoying little kind That go bap bap bap.

No, there was absolutely no way Of them to imagine

No, wait. Maybe it's baba ganoush.

No!

No! no!

No. No, wait. Don't tell me.

No. Water. Water?

Nobody's monitoring These things. Ha ha.

Not for this, for judo. But hey, a sport's a sport.

Not just my rights, But the rights of all americans

Not once.

Not only for your sake,

Not the turkish Ottomans,

Nothing further.

Now get out of here.

Now i don't have To pander

Now, in your Line of work,

Obsessing about you, Plotting to kill you.

Of every american animal To do just that

Of everyone's Activities.

Of oppressive Security measures:

Oh, and by the way,

Oh, and don't forget That one.

Oh, and i'm gonna Have to take

Oh, and i'm gonna Need to borrow Your car battery.

Oh, birdman, we've sold space On you to advertisers.

Oh, god, that's good.

Oh, god! my leg! oh, my leg!

Oh, hi. Excuse me.

Oh, i might have A little something That'll do the trick.

Oh, i wouldn't worry About it, peanut.

Oh, i'm sorry. Is this a bad time?

Oh, new area this year: opium.

Oh, of course not.

Oh, please!

Oh, right. The fellow Who can't keep his Squirrel secret

Oh, this is so predictable, It's throwing me off.

Oh, what's this? Oh, your invoice.

Oh, wow.

Oh!

Oh! the mutants!

Oh? ooh! aah!

Oh. And we've only got room For the top 3 earners.

Oh...Ugh. Nice shoes.

Ohh!

Ohh..

Ohhhh!

Ok, first chart look out!

Ok, good. First e mail, From christie.

Ok, i'm not looking. Can't see a thing.

Ok, it's mr. Birdman.

Ok, so, i want to know What happens?

Ok, what do we have today?

Ok. All right. Here we go.

Okey doke. Come to papa.

On and off 5 times!

On such a frivolous matter, But, hell, we're here,

On the environment?

On the street And find one. Hmm...

On these freedoms.

Ooh ooh!

Ooh, me likey The oppressive Totalitarianism.

Ooh, peanut, look. Over there.

Opened with the base And sordid intent Of flashing anyone.

Or dare i say, Whammy bar?

Or spend all afternoon Indicating?

Or that he had A bladder.

Our revenue is up Over last year.

Out there,

Out there, guitars like this Didn't enforce the law...

Over and over again in The common area of your dorm."

Over the counter Herbal supplement,

Over the p.A. System

Overruled!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! ow! ow! Ouch!

Patagonia. Nader for president.

Peanut well, He's getting his superpowers,

Peanut, a little help here. Got a big jar of

Peanut, trade me A crisp dollar bill For this one.

People are just nuts about it,

People that own sidewalks,

People think I'm flashing them.

Phil on p.A.: Next message

Phil on p.A.: Testing, testing.

Phil on pa: "subject: natural Enlargement with herbs."

Phil, voice over: We interrupt to remind you

Phil: "from potamus, peter, To falcone, blue.

Phil: ha. I always took reducto For a libertarian.

Please note that Even though the defendant

Please.

Pocket lint.

Pocket nostradamus here thinks He knows the future.

Portable keyboards With standard midi interface.

Prepare to feel The sting of my

Primitive man solving Everything with a gun.

Profit generators, cost cutting, Rolling blackouts.

Pry it From my cold, dead hoof.

Put on A silly military uniform?

Put your hands Where i can see them!

Ready or not, Here i come.

Remember, phil?

Rifles.

Right where it's Supposed to be.

Right. On that topic,

Ring of power. Don't know what that is

Rithout me!

Ro...Rold.

Roger.

Roll of quarters.

Running a crystal meth lab.

Same as everybody else

Sebben and sebben Board of directors meeting.

Secret squirrel has just What you need right here.

Secret squirrel.

See if they're Taken care of outside.

See the quick I can do it quick, too.

See, nothing happened.

Self absorbed people Who are ruining this planet

Shake baby, kiss hand, Shake baby.

Shake baby, kiss hand.

Shake hand, kiss hand, Shake baby.

Shh! don't you know?

Shh! of course we're Being monitored, birdman.

Shh. Yes.

Shooting off his power bands To pictures of villains.

Should be no impediment To living a normal, Fulfilling life.

Simply because he's taken A perfectly legal

Sleep mode. Vertical hold.

Smartie.

So contemporary cozy In here.

So i carry all these gadgets With me in my trench coat.

So they can have Absolute power

So today we'll prove that having A ridiculous sounding name

So we're seeing rising profits,

So when you go To get your, er...

So while i consider Myself to be

So, i figured apache chief, He knows about this stuff.

So, ladies and gentlemen Of the jury,

So, see? there's nothing to be Worried about, my peanut.

So, when some Governing body rules

So, where do you think Cappy paranoid's gonna Stick the camera?

Some dental records, A pay stub or two.

Some more drastic Security measures.

Some would say not.

Someone we knew.

Sorry.

Stand still.

Star wars works?

Starts to get Their special powers."

Stolen along With the ottomans.

Strange, considering If everything

Stringed instruments Of all kinds.

Take 10 minutes.

Take some toilet paper To guess how big the mother is.

Tax!

Tell me, when you were arrested For carrying a concealed weapon,

Tell us, mr. Diddly,

Tell you what.

Than gather Information on you

Thank you.

Thank you.

That is really interesting.

That means, at some point In the future,

That my client Should return his medal

That one? wait, here.

That says you'll vote for me Regardless.

That spacely is A slavedriver.

That the monitoring Station's in iowa.

That the u.S.A. Kicks The crap out of angola!

That was 15 minutes, right? Let's get the hell out of here.

That way, we could make sure

That we are currently At code "moving pictures."

That we are not sure If global warming exists.

That would be crazy.

That you're not using both sides Of the toilet paper.

That your name is a euphemism For copulation?

That's it. Don't bite.

That's not mine. It's his.

The baby grand piano That was right there.

The banana and the condom.

The blastula Becoming the gastrula.

The couch that was Right there for years,

The crest on birdman's helmet?

The dalton gang.

The delivery's flowing!

The father of gigi's baby is...

The footy ones That make it look

The freedom to own And play

The key, birdman, Are the 3 r's.

The lingerie models.

The link between cigarettes And cancer is inconclusive.

The maker Of all terrain vehicles,

The mediterranean wrap Is people!

The money. It's between us And papua new guinea.

The mountains.

The people That put cheese in the crust,

The privacy issues

The rest, well, i'll have to Fire the rest.

The rivers.

The super friends fired me,

The supercalifragalistic Expiefficaceous.

The tiniest little thing,

The transportation belt, It's broken!

The trees.

The yakky or the doodle?

Their coming back In time will have.

Their first act was to outlaw And confiscate private weapons.

Then i come in This morning,

There are in this city? lunch break's over.

There was never a time When this trench coat,

There we were, all alone.

They were the law!

They arrested him.

They didn't enforce the law,

They didn't say,

They gave my campaign $12 billion.

They were the law.

They would be, oh, The size of that snack stand!

They...

They...Were the law!

They're gonna be short a waiter. You're gonna have to cover.

They're paying For your defense.

Think fast!

Think i'm flashing them.

This all costs money.

This court orders That the defendant be sent To aggressiveness training.

This easy to understand,

This is for guessing

This is my Voice oice oice.

This is the big time! Laff a lympics, birdman.

This one's actually Pretty well balanced.

This trench coat Of freedom,

This weapon here simply Because you felt under armed...

Those founding fathers Didn't place restrictions

Tip!

To a court approved Clinic for"...

To any other large, powerful Lobbying groups to win.

To decriminalize sloppy blow

To fill out That name change petition

To join us tonight, birdman.

To keep and bear guitars,

To take steroids.

To talk strategy.

To tamper with or disable Toilet paper dispensers

To teach you What's going on in your bod

To tell who the daddy is oh.

To the cover of rush's Seminal album "moving pictures."

Trucks went out.

Try to make a living, Support the family,

Tumescent in mr. Peanut,

Two well oiled greek men Wrestling each other naked

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh. hang in there, everybody!

Uh huh. Does anyone have A "have a heart" trap?

Uh huh. Let me check something.

Uh, boy?

Uh, can you tell What he's say

Uh, ha.

Uh, judge, A special request.

Uh, peanut, can we get A...A hydrant for mister

Uh, phil?

Uh, that's a jury.

Uh...

Um, it's, what, august?

Um, my stapler seems To have fallen in your

Um. Ha.

Un deque conlatus membrus.

Un guri see ver et.

Unh!

Until it's grown into An obese teenager named cody!