Kevin Can F**k Himself (2021) - Season 1 Edit

A "system?" Patty, we're climbing one roof.

A beachy wave or somethin'.

A better look on me, Neil.

A big boy meal.

A bunch of good, salt of the earth guys

A chili cook off?

A cookie pocket.

A cosmic one, really.

A day before my parole officer finds out about this? Okay?

A few years ago, he got into some hot water

A giant foam cowboy hat.

A girlfriend or a a book club.

A good job.

A great one.

A grown up dinner.

A little singe will just make the grass

A long time ago.

A lot of sense for us right now.

A man who likes the simple things in life.

A party in the next room?

A pig.

A pinto bean.

A real scourge of our time.

A relaxing dudes' day of competitive paintball.

A scone, a book, and some peace.

A smile looks nice on you.

A trail of 56.

A true message.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah. Aah!

About 55 to 60 years of age.

About a woman who decides to kill her husband.

About cleaning up?

About Kevin?

About the reno before you got here.

About us?

About what's important

About?

Absolutely not. They're too scared.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Actually specializes in a good wash,

Actually you could say

Actually, I did.

Actually, I'm, uh I'm gonna skip this one.

Acupuncture,

Admitting when I need help.

After 10 years?

After all eye for an eye, tit for tit.

After everything,

After the meeting we just had?

After the night I had, I'd say an Irish coffee,

After we have lunch, some beers, a nap, and dinner?

After we staple the good sheets over

Again, not even close.

Again, there's nothing in there!

Ah, but everyone got their stuff from DiNunzio.

Ah, God, how could I forget?

Ah, good ideas, all around.

Ah, I feel like my body's been tense for years,

Ah, I just heart N Y, you know?

Ah, Neil returns with step three.

Ah, they got the best commercials, don't they?

Ah, yeah.

Ah, yeah. New job. Yeah.

Ah, yes. Only a matter of time

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Sam, it's perfect!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. But I've got a plan.

Ah. Cold does you good.

Ah. Detective Ridgeway.

Ah. Five years' worth.

Ah. Never!

Ah. The women of the hour are here.

Ah. Too disgusting.

Ah. What party?

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! Give me my phone!

Ain't that right, my guys?

Alcoholic.

Alexa, can you please set the timer for

Alexa, stop!

Alexa, where's my stuff?

Alexa.

Alexer, where's my stuff?

Alexer? Where's my stuff?

Alexer.

All about you.

All cold and alone.

All I'm asking for is some decency.

All kinds of people OD.

All night long over a roaring open flame

All of it?

All of these...feelings.

All of us.

All the fixings, a jumbo shrimp cocktail,

All the others because ours has a twist.

All the way up to Bossman Harrison.

All this talk of drugs and rock 'n' roll

All those chemicals?

All you gotta do is pay attention.

All your constituents are idiots.

All your dreams are coming true.

All yours again.

Allie.

Allison Devine McRoberts.

Allison got so mad at us last time we did that.

Allison is always saying how your diner is dead.

Allison would never pick up a burger for anyone.

Allison, avert your eyes.

Allison, I can't even hear you to agree with you.

Allison, I'm always impressed

Allison, my wife, Jenn.

Allison, there are three days out of the year

Allison, this all comes back to one basic concept

Allison, this is Kevin we're talking about.

Allison, whose side are you on?

Allison, would you be a doll and sit down for a second?

Allison, you might not see me for the next 24 hours.

Allison, you mind?

Allison, you think I'm walking around wondering

Allison?

Allison?

Allison?

Allison?

Allison?

Allison?

Allison? Jenn!

Allison? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Allison?!

Allison.

Allison.

Allison.

Allison.

Allison.

Allison.

Allison. It's from the film.

Allison. Mm hmm?

Allison. Oh.

Allison...

Allison's been texting me updates,

Allison's right, Dad.

Almost crying to Father O'Donnell.

Almost thoughtful.

Alone in my car on the way over here.

Already left my phone in the car, whoever you are.

Alright, I know I said I'd spend the rest of the night here,

Alright, I'm gonna go upstairs

Alright, I'm good!

Alright, ideas on how we can do this?

Alright, it's go time.

Alright, Kevin has spoken.

Alright, now it's getting fresh.

Alright, this sounds insane, but hear me out.

Alright, who's gonna tell this unhinged marksman

Alright!

Alright! I'm alright.

Alright.

Alright.

Alright.

Alright. Got an intruder.

Alright. Little pressure here.

Alright. This is gonna happen in two bites.

Also, I left something in my car.

Also, Neil's fallen for it for 10 years.

Also, please don't be dead.

Although if you had been,

Although they did pay me.

Am I bad at driving, or does he want the car?

Am I right, babe?

Amped on Red Bull and has a gun?

An anniversary is defined as 365 days free of alcohol

An escape room is business idea, Dad.

An exchange policy.

And 10 minutes in, he says that he left something in the car

And a pack of menthols.

And a Powah Ball quick pick, bonus numbah 11 for Edelman.

And a roll. And a roll.

And a tallboy.

And a tooth with a very large filling.

And after that, I was fine,

And all I know about him is that he hands me

And all the, eh wink other stuff missin' here.

And Allison thought I couldn't finish it.

And also, "betray her" is a little strong.

And any other day, that'd bother me.

And apparently,

And as soon as it's done, You'll get the money.

And as soon as it's done, you'll get the money.

And ask if there's anything you'd like to declare.

And beer with no taste.

And before all this,

And begin!

And boom goes the dynamite!

And buy a bus ticket to Jersey?

And buzz in a little cup,

And churning my own butter.

And co lead guitarist was doing something sneaky

And current Celtics TV analyst Brian Scalabrine?

And deal with Kevin's chili hysteria?

And defeating NHL legend Sean Avery

And doesn't get assaulted.

And driving's all about confidence.

And elect me as their leader and ask me to supervise

And enough to wean my clients off,

And even then, it was 'cause I saw a dog

And everyone's secretly kind of hoping he goes back.

And everything should stay the same?

And exchange it for the right color.

And fill out an application.

And finally, I'm gonna go "UnderKever Boss"

And fool around.

And for my girl, we don't go to just any restaurant.

And gave up the area's only supplier.

And go live out your scone and a book fantasy

And go swimming, or we could go to the Seas

And hang it off the old lightning rod.

And have this guy's address in there?

And He always does.

And he said that I g I'd better get more.

And he says that's 'cause I never finish things.

And he will have the

And he's dead, so he's not even gonna mind.

And his incredibly pointy goatee.

And hope everything works out?

And how are you gonna do that?

And how come you're all sweaty?

And how do I look? Nervous.

And how long have you been with your partner?

And I am not gonna sit here and rot as Mrs. McRoberts.

And I can also win the steak eating contest.

And I can drive stick, I can parallel park,

And I can finally just relax.

And I can tell you, it doesn't work.

And I can work at the happiest place on Earth.

And I can't pass up a deal, so...

And I can't wait to see what you're gonna cook.

And I didn't know Jenn that well,

And I didn't want to just assume.

And I don't see him for an hour and a half.

And I don't wanna argue anymore.

And I feel like I need to keep going, you know?

And I followed him to the auto body on Buckingham Ave.

And I formally accept, but my question's about

And I found out

And I found out with just about zero effort.

And I get it.

And I got him off the streets.

And I got the pills, and all I gotta do

And I got your next one.

And I guess I really don't care where you actually went.

And I had the people at the restaurant,

And I had to talk to you, but because I wanted to.

And I had you.

And I hate myself for it.

And I have some wine and I bring I book that I start

And I haven't been able to get my head around it.

And I heard some stuff about this area.

And I heart meeting locals.

And I I can't stand the fact

And I I should just give up, you know?

And I intend to.

And I knew what she meant.

And I know he's an idiot.

And I know what you talked about,

And I lost track of time.

And I love my gift, babe.

And I loved him more than anything.

And I made a huge mistake.

And I made this decision.

And I managed to get my hand on his schedule

And I need to make it work.

And I need you to stay five feet away from the chili.

And I needed a few jelly Munchkins.

And I never called before, Terrance.

And I never finish.

And I own a diner.

And I quote, "Yummy nummy chili in their tummies."

And I saw a man selling drugs.

And I start doing my thing, you know?

And I suggest you leave this one at home next time.

And I think that's unfair.

And I think you should come with me.

And I think you were having a really good time.

And I tie him down to a chair,

And I wanted to feel fancy.

And I'd just stock up on beef jerky.

And I'll booby trap this place soup to nuts.

And I'll take care of the real party.

And I'll tell my friends over there that you touch little kids.

And I'm all set there,

And I'm basically all dried up down there,

And I'm guessing that no one knows

And I'm guessing that you know what to do after that.

And I'm not sure how helpful that is.

And I'm so glad he's dead.

And I'm sure you're wondering what I'm gonna get you for the occasion,

And I'm telling you, it's been broken for awhile.

And I've always loved kind of the classic red lip, you know?

And if I can't look in the mirror,

And if I don't like it, you don't do it.

And if I have a photo or a piece of evidence

And if it doesn't, he just blows it to hell.

And if they somehow manage to get to the final clue,

And if you need anything, don't

And if you're in a bad place, then

And in the name of the father, Belichick,

And into the pilot's, you know?

And it all begins tonight at my first campaign event

And it has to stop.

And it needs you, too.

And it seems like one of those really fun train wrecks.

And it think I must have just kind of tweaked last week

And it was a bust.

And it was fun and dangerous.

And it's it's created more problems.

And it's actually very good for us.

And it's fine.

And it's gonna blow yours into the water.

And it's got your name on it,

And it's starting to piss me off.

And just do everything right this time,

And just for the record

And just so you know, this isn't

And laughing his ass off.

And lazy.

And let everything go to hell like this.

And let me guess.

And make my own chili,

And making me laugh for the rest of our lives.

And maybe she doesn't want to leave.

And mega hauls like Todd's an outright gamble.

And my gorgeous pile of manly meat.

And my parents took me into town to see the fireworks.

And my stash is in an evidence bag somewhere.

And my stash is in an evidence bag somewhere.

And Neil's probably right.

And Nick is is still alive, by the way.

And no cavortin' with my wife.

And no one deserves what's coming to them

And no one knows why.

And no one's doing a thing about it.

And none of your fancy cheese, okay?

And not just for you.

And now I can't find my lucky Bruins hat.

And now I'm starting to think that you chose the wrong pilot.

And now it actually is.

And now that I feel like I actually have something to say,

And now that the party's finally getting good, thank God.

And now they have our coke. So...

And now we're just what? Over?

And obviously, don't actually take any of our stuff.

And obviously, that job wasn't going anywhere,

And outside!

And Paddy will tell me what Patty said?

And Pete and Neil!

And pissed himself after eating what you fed him.

And play ultimate hide and seek.

And please don't talk about my parents having sex.

And pulled out a big ass knife.

And remember, it has to be a real smash burger.

And run away with you.

And said that there's some pills that, um,

And scam drinks off married guys.

And she is way better than you.

And sleep.

And slide it under the door.

And so he took it away from me.

And someone breaking into my home?

And spider rings till I go to college.

And start to build our strength up?

And stew this out over a bath.

And still saying the procedure's "experimental."

And stock up on menthols while we're outta state.

And thanks for the burger.

And that is Sam, celebrating eight years.

And that lowlife won't be around to let us in himself.

And that means a naked lap for you, Neil!

And that message was received.

And that will be the extent of our sharing, okay?

And that you went behind his back and

And that's a hat trick.

And that's new for me.

And that's our security?

And that's very nice of them.

And that's when it dawned on me.

And that's when it happened.

And that's when Kurt decided to propose.

And that's why I have a toaster oven, Patty!

And that's why I should've picked up the phone.

And the bat broke when Neil and I were smashing watermelons.

And the cops couldn't care less.

And the day after St. Patrick's Day.

And the grill smells like meat.

And the heat is still broken.

And the last things we said were that you thought I didn't

And the one thing that'll bring us closer

And the other two.

And the pain is just

And then again this morning.

And then he had the gall to slander the proud city of Boston

And then I heard about that guy,

And then I shine a light in his eyes, real dramatic like.

And then I'm free, Patty.

And then my phone died.

And then watched me eat it.

And then we would go in back in the kitchen

And then we'll Oh, do we have to?

And then when the police investigate,

And then when time's up, it's like,

And then you subtly guide them off course.

And then your dad pretends

And then your neighbor showed up and then something changed

And then, around 3:00 A.M.,

And then, I'm done.

And there must've been a reason for that.

And therefore, what I'm talking about.

And these guys they loved it.

And these.

And they called you out by name.

And they don't see a charity case?

And they must be hard to get,

And this is important, so

And this is the small thing you had after work tonight?

And this is what you're wearing?

And this whole

And tiny crackers in the living room,

And tourists should never be allowed to drive.

And Trevor will bring him out on his next break.

And try to find your dart, so you can throw it again?

And unable to reach the hundo hole?

And usually when someone acts like that,

And vote for Kevin.

And wait for God to provide a solution.

And we can finally do that thing you say we'll never do.

And we could go to Kevin's campaign event.

And we get into his place.

And we have Mr. Harrison,

And we need to get this going now.

And we will move on as well.

And we wouldn't afford this kitchen without them,

And we're going four hours to meet my guy with the drugs.

And we're gonna go through all the details,

And we're gonna put them in Nick's apartment.

And we're off like a herd of turtles.

And what about Allison?

And what about you?

And what are you doing next Friday?

And what are you doing next Friday? What?

And what do I get for it?

And what do you think affair says?

And what you can't live without.

And when he spent all our life savings

And when he's out, he is out.

And when I woke up with rose thorns in my tongue,

And where are your parents any time we need anything?

And whiskey rocks from the couch.

And why do you smell like meat?

And why you wearing a tie?

And with this...

And wondering if I should just run for the hills.

And worn to at least two Pats games

And worse about how, now I'm completely screwed

And yet it's like my laugh button's on the fritz.

And you you're the most important part of the plan.

And you came,

And you couldn't be bothered just to pay attention?

And you didn't bring a burger back for me?!

And you don't want to get out of the bed,

And you framed Nick for me,

And you just watched him and laughed!

And you just watched him and laughed.

And you know what they said when I asked them

And you know why you shouldn't have asked me to do that.

And you paid off that student loan a while back, right?

And you play for both of us.

And you should stay out of other people's marriages?

And you started acting really shitty.

And you used it.

And you were on there.

And you were saying some stuff that I didn't, uh

And you work at a diner?

And you.

And you'd probably kiss me before you had a chance

And you're fine with hitting your head

And you're gonna be here right by my side the whole time.

And you're not driving 'cause you're like a tourist here,

And you're the one who helped.

And you're welcome, by the way.

And you've been helping out a lot of 'em.

And your cop friend.

And your friends in the swim team.

And, babe, uh, about moving?

And, I don't know, maybe apologize.

And, of course, that particular machine

And, Patty...

And, so, I guess I let him save me, too.

And, uh, how much you pay for a torn hoodie?

And, uh, I don't think I know you at all.

And, uh, if you're feeling that same way, too,

And, uh, throw in a couple of the wheel scratchers.

And, uh, we would just like our money back, please.

And, um, his name, his employer.

And, yeah, there was nothing unusual there.

And, yes, of course, Yankees suck.

And...

And...

And... y you forgot.

Another 15 years to start trying.

Another beer, please?

Any good?

Any limb that enters my designated Munch Zone

Any more appointments under the bridge.

Anybody hear me?

Anyone who... might want to hurt him?

Anything good? Are we rich?

Anything interesting?

Anything more than that is just rude.

Anything that doesn't say "Kevin."

Anything you say can and will be used

Anything?

Anything.

Anytime.

Are actually often walling themselves off from the world.

Are definitely lying.

Are gonna have new neighbors to torture.

Are there any other alcoholics present tonight?

Are these babies?

Are too expensive without insurance,

Are you Are you serious?

Are you crazy?

Are you drunk?

Are you giving up?

Are you here to question her again, or...

Are you like okay?

Are you mad at me now?

Are you much older than me?

Are you new to town?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you saying... Oh, yes, Neil.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Are you sure it's them?

Are you trying to ply me with liquor or something?

Are you wearing a blouse for your night in?

Are you, like... okay?

Aren't you?

Around here, random break ins are usually drug related.

Arrest me.

As a down payment.

As far as I'm concerned, Walpole can have you.

As in... let the perp talk.

As long as I don't eat anything while I'm here.

As long as I had this thing this just

As soon as I go in there,

Ask any gym teacher I've ever had.

Asking about the "local dealer" who's been selling

Asking me for coke now, are you?

Asking you to look in a friend's purse.

At ease.

At least oxys aren't a mess.

At least rude is being shitty out in the open.

At least three times trying to get 'em.

At our anniversary party.

At the altar in order to get the next clue.

At the classy and important Moose Lodge.

At the corner my whole life.

At the hard part of all this, right?

At the Morton's Salt Girl or Jo from "Facts of Life"?

At the next boring part, okay?

At the package store, we're gonna be able to move

At the pharmacy?

At this rate, we'll have that

At this really terrible Mexican restaurant

At work.

Attention, everyone!

Augh! You saved my life.

Aunt Chiladas?

Aunt Cindy just loves your haircuts.

Aunt. Yeah. Nice lady.

Aw, man, I really need this hoodie.

Aw, man, it's just an ambulance!

Aw, no. Did you kill it?

Aw, that's good.

Aw. Damn Brenda!

Aw. Man.

Aww.

B

Babe, cool it.

Babe, it's our anniversary.

Babe, this is not some sort of smushed artery, alright?

Babe, we are discussing

Back again.

Back for more Lipitor, huh?

Back pain.

Bad vibes there, bro.

Bad.

Bad.

Badass is fresh.

Ball, and I put it on their front lawn.

Band meeting.

Barbie might break your nose this time.

Barfed in there.

Be on the 14th Street overpass at midnight.

Be rude, Allison.

Because dreaming's useless with him around,

Because he has a metal detector, and it's Kevin!

Because he insisted that we move in together after two months,

Because he won't take money for them,

Because I don't want to just stand still

Because I got no meat for the chili!

Because I I really believed that he would

Because I'm being nice.

Because I'm busy.

Because if you've ever waited around for a cable guy,

Because it sucked what you asked me to do.

Because it's my chili.

Because it's none of your business."

Because of course he did!

Because of your actions,

Because of your little tantrum, we can longer afford.

Because sometimes, stupid can be fun.

Because Terry has just offered me

Because the World is Going to Hell.

Because this... Oh.

Because up until 20 minutes ago, I didn't know I liked you.

Because we had

Because you better be.

Because you didn't answer your phone?

Because you roped me into this mess.

Because you...

Because you're a terrible liar. Even you don't believe what you're saying.

Because, once you're up there, it's done.

Because...

Before he went to prison.

Before it even started?

Before the shooting.

Before we go get my beers.

Before you go out of town.

Before you know it, I got three free beers

Before you left town next week?

Before you try...

Being around him is constant work.

Being so small I get sucked down my shower drain is out.

Being that close to death

Being with me is giving up?

Belichick Hoodie Day!

Beneath the surface.

Besides, some of these clues seem hard.

Besides, that's not a dog.

Better than being used to it.

Big Book Discussion Meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Bill Belichick?

Bill is what I named our dog. Where is he?

Bingo! Best to do it outdoors.

Bit competitive.

Bitch.

Blame the corner kid asshole at the auto body

Bless her heart.

Bon appétit.

Boo! Hiss!

Boom! I felt better!

Boston sports legend

Boston sports legend

Box or bottle, it all goes down the same.

Boy, this was one hell of a birthday.

Boy, we have got to clean out that car.

Boys, we're gonna make an Escape Groom.

Bram, if you call again,

Brilliant.

Bro, you gotta calm down.

Broken.

Bu No.

Buddy!

Bullshit! You knew.

Bullshit. Okay, well, how the hell would you know?

Buncha people from the neighborhood.

Burgers.

Business here, like titans of industry.

Business must be good.

Business relationship.

But a naggy one. A naggy ficus.

But after the concert, I'm all yours, hon.

But after this, you and me, we good?

But are you really sure that it'll work?

But as I was trying to lure an entire family of skunks

But at a salad bar, we'd be paying 7 bucks each

But Chuck says they make me look like a night nurse

But closing your eyes to reality doesn't change anything.

But do I never finish things,

But don't worry.

But either way, it's out of your hands

But especially Mr. Harrison.

But even if I get anything,

But first, let's get this chili to the Renzulli Brothers.

But for a day or two, toss back a few ibuprofen.

But for now, get out of here.

But God forbid I ask.

But he is also manipulative and an asshole and

But he isn't much different than any other guy in this town.

But he was wearing a Patagonia vest.

But he'll probably just mark up the price.

But hey, maybe you'll have more luck.

But I actually have to split time with the restaurant.

But I also burned their lawn.

But I also wanna use my party

But I am so done with trying to be more.

But I am still in a deep pile of shit over here.

But I can't take back what I did.

But I celebrate privately.

But I did get you something else.

But I didn't think of it as a big ask, you know?

But I don't order from the menu.

But I don't want to make you do that.

But I don't want you to worry.

But I get to stick my tongue out.

But I guess I can tell you now.

But I just never had any time for myself.

But I just wanted to impulsively offer a hand.

But I know I want to stay out of it.

But I know I'd get too self conscious.

But I know my rights.

But I know you have the best time

But I like you.

But I may have a connection in Vermont.

But I never asked for the Bahamas.

But I think I know how to get back in his good graces.

But I took my talents to the baby batter bank.

But I wanted to come back.

But I wanted to yell at you in person.

But I wanted to.

But I'm pretty sure she was being supplied

But I've never had a massage before.

But if the bloodwork comes back okay,

But if these quacks get in her head,

But if you're gonna dry up the well all of a sudden,

But in the meantime Affair with her neighbor?