The Good Place (2016) - Season 2 Edit

A lot of words I don't like,

A'ight.

About moral particularism,

Actually started as a training program to prep for when

Against the advice of the judge in court

Ah.

All passengers,

All right, everybody. Gather 'round. Gather 'round.

All right, everyone. We've got a lot of work to do.

All right, let's just back up here.

All right, you've convinced me. I'll give him books.

All right. Well, we can't just stand here in a group.

All trains today are delayed by three hours,

Although mostly I just stood around while Baz Luhrmann

And "First person to call Ultimate Frisbee 'Ultimate.'"

And a back up glass. Oh, boy.

And a scooter, so I can roll around the mall.

And an unknown male with a genital deformity.

And being my own lawyer

And do it yourself, you fat dink?

And egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan

And everyone who worked in the neighborhood

And explanations of the torture they earned.

And find out what this event is and how long it's gonna last?

And getting immediately convicted in court.

And had them torture each other.

And he's got the humans with him.

And I didn't think I would ever be at a cocktail party

And I follow that maxim.

And I know it's wild, but you know

And I work down at the hot dog factory.

And isn't that Rhonda Mumps?

And need I remind you it was doing things your way

And poke each other with hot sticks,

And right now, we are in a pretty bonkers situation.

And sarcastically say, 'I guess you hated it.'"

And steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurse's closet.

And that makes you really confront what you're doing!

And the actual solution is very simple.

And the only way through the portal is with one of these.

And then he died doing a keg stand

And then I realized she hated books,

And then it'll be over.

And then we get in front of the Judge, and I'm 12 points short?

And they want my advice on how to torture someone.

And took matters into my own hands

And we can all head down to the Museum.

And we can sneak out the door.

And we need to be discreet.

And you become pretty good at lying.

And you can either plow into a group of people

And... run through the portal.

Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail,

Anyway I drew up some extradition papers

Anyway, your boy Trent and I

Anyways, we run a couple hundred torture scenarios.

Are you talking about moral particularism?

Arizona bouncers are the best.

As they're off being tortured,

Back in a different way.

Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water?

Bad Janet, walkie talkie mode.

Based on the particular situation

Be careful?

Because I disobeyed a basic Kantian moral principle!

Because they put mirrors in the toilet,

Because we lied to get there?

Books like exploded?

Boom!

Boy, you know, I thought you guys

Brant was a total lord. He got kicked off

Bro hams! Get over here and meet my top dog Trent.

But a moral particularist like me... I'm one now;

But can you act like one?

But everything else about this is very bad!

But I don't know, man

But I have to do something.

But life throws you curveballs, bro!

But once you've dogged every hole,

But oranges you don't? Forget this plan!

But then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch.

But then your mom suddenly gets rushed to the ER.

But we're not out of the woods

But what is this place?

By going through the proper channels,

By the way, I'm gonna need four pins for my crew.

Can I have a glass of water?

Canada City, Canada.

Character work! Such fun.

Chidi?

Come on, dab it out. Boom boom! 'Sup? I'm Chet.

Come on, Diana, let's hit the bar.

Completely insane.

Cool. I'm gonna be Diana Tremaine.

Damn, you got that good stank.

Damn, you're good at this.

Doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely

Don't get me wrong, I love shoving hot dogs into people,

Don't go getting all goopy on me.

Down through disembowelment.

Dude's a straight beast when it comes to torture.

Eleanor, you're wearing glasses now. Help me!

Famous examples of bad behavior,

Farts.

Feast your eyes on the newest exhibit

First person to floss in an open plan office?

For a reason. I can only fail up.

For example, I learned how to be passive aggressive.

For questioning Trent, the torture master!

For throwing a lobster at a stripper.

For, like, 800 reboots now.

From the neighborhood has kept their mouths shut.

Give me that patented Bad Janet attitude.

Go see "Chronicles of Riddick."

Go!

Guys, I found something very bad.

Guys, if you do leave this room, you're gonna see things

Has a real case of the Mondays, am I right?

Has been sent back to their previous department.

Have a terrible evening.

Hawaiian pizza of course,

He can't crack it. Hit them with it, D Money.

He got you so bad!

He makes a strong case.

Heading to Bad Place Headquarters,

Her address was 123 Whatever Street,

Here at the Museum of Human Misery!

Here we go!

Here you go!

Here, I got you this to help your disguise.

Here. Put the pins on your lapels.

Hey, boss. I'm back.

Hey, boss. What's up?

Hey, buddy.

Hey, butt ass. Butt ass.

Hey, Eleanor. Thanks for the advice.

Hey, guess what?

Hey, guys. Sorry, you wait here,

Hey, hey! Found him! Just bird dogging some tail.

Hey, pass the NASCAR ketchup.

Hey, you two. Get your ugly necks over here.

Hey! Hey! Be careful, okay?

Hey. Hi. So, um, those bro demons over there

Hey. Hi. Teeth.

Hey. Where have you been?

Hi there, you big stinky poop face guys.

Hop in the portal, file those with the Judge,

Hors d'oeuvre?

How I've missed you.

How long is this stupid event supposed to last, anyway?

I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university

I can't decide anything.

I can't read philosophy for fun?

I don't know. This plan seems complicated.

I don't think I can change what I believe just like that!

I got the travel pins!

I had Janet make you each a Bad Place disguise.

I hadn't thought of that

I hate suits.

I hate this. I hate lying. It's not permissible.

I have gained a lot of new skills recently.

I have, actually. It's remarkable.

I hear that, sister. I'm gonna go take a dump.

I hope everyone gets hurt!

I just decided... would say there's no absolute rule.

I just joined a new department.

I just solved the trolley problem.

I know what my secret identity is.

I mean 'cause you're our ticket out of here, genius.

I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail

I think I'll take a few of my most trusted staff,

I think school is lame, I got a tattoo of David Blaine.

I think we should go with Michael's plan.

I think you look nice.

I think you look sexy

I took the form of a 45 year old white man

I will have contributed to someone's eternal torture

I wish.

I won't lie about who I am.

I'd love to... punch your teeth.

I'll go with Tahani. Chidi, go with Jason.

I'll meet you at the martini store.

I'm afraid so. Yes.

I'm Chidi Anagonye, or maybe I'm not.

I'm Eleanor Shellstrop. I mock others

I'm going to make a simple request, and you're going to

I'm gonna be sick, and I don't want to go back to the bathroom

I'm gonna get me a tall glass of piping hot corn syrup

I'm Jason Mendoza. Duh...

I'm luggage.

I'm lying to you to make you feel better.

I'm sorry I called you big stinky poop face guys.

I'm Tahani Al Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker

I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work.

I've heard you say all that stuff.

If Rhonda can do it, you can.

In front of a judge who is going to judge us.

In literal Hell, lecturing my teacher/ex lover

In Mindy's neighborhood. You can't do that, Shawn.

In the back of a moving Jeep Wrangler.

In the future of our industry.

Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?

Is that what they think my hair looks like?

Is that where we're putting top priority files nowadays?

Is there a gift shop?

Is through a portal, which is smack dab in the middle

It looks too conspicuous.

It was really helpful, even though I had to say

It's a glass of water.

It's all going to work out.

It's already led to major breakthroughs

It's fine. Got it right here.

It's illegal!

It's just a place. You know. An area or location.

It's just that now that we're actually on the train,

It's more like they eat you.

It's okay. We'll keep working.

It's remarkable!

It's the Hall of Low Grade Crappiness.

It's the least horrifying room.

Jake is my name, Molotov cocktail is my game.

Janet doesn't need one, because for portals,

Janet, what's that behind your back?

Janet, you need to get in character too.

Janet, you need to get in character too.

Jason is stalling by ranking MMA ring girls with them,

Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

Jeez Louise! Looks like Chidi

Jortles!

Jortles! And I work in the Molotov cocktail department.

Just like they are every day.

Just threw glitter on me.

Kant says that lying is always wrong,

Keep walking. Keep your heads down.

Legend!

Lets him do all the talking, and you don't have to lie.

Like douche, and chick, and peep this...

Like, "No, you're whole thing isn't exhausting at all."

Like, let's say you promised your friend

Listen up, people. We need to find Michael,

Listen. Your experiment blew up in our faces.

Living room's clear. Entering the bedroom.

Look

Look if you don't want to lie because it conflicts

Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear

Looking good, buddy. You lose some weight?

Lying about who we are is second nature.

Making people into, stuffing people with...

Man, get back over there, dog

Me is Derek. These are my wind chimes.

My stomach hurts.

My top dog Dirk here, he got stuck with a new case.

My wind chimes like you.

No one ever comes in here.

No one's gonna be mad at you.

No time to explain. We gotta go.

No time to wait for her. You three go now. Now!

No way! Trent, is that you?

No, no, no. They were just you know

No! I told you lies have consequences!

No. I would never give you that, you dumb person.

No. Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for

No. Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for

Nobody from the Bad Place is allowed

None of them seem quite right, you know?

Nope. Let's try again. Be mean.

Not that it matters. It's just some jewelry I don't have.

Now entering Mindy St. Claire's house.

Now I know you look like a Bad Janet,

Now, obviously, we couldn't get the actual four idiots

Of his genitals."

Of Rob Gronkowski's party cruise

Of the legendary John Wayne.

Of the main office at Bad Place Headquarters.

Oh no!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, do some coke off my butt.

Oh, dude. Ball tap!

Oh, friends! Hi, I'm Derek!

Oh, God! This feels so weird!

Oh, how do you smell loud and confusing?

Oh, man. This is not good.

Oh, no. Did I?

Oh, no. Guys, Michael says this is illegal.

Oh, what do you got?

Oh, yeah. Okay. It's a torture museum.

Oh, you're gonna get caught. Give me the briefcase back.

Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity!

Oh! New scent! "Transformers!"

Oh! That was a firm ball tap, bro

Oh. Eleanor, are you worried about me?

Ohh! That's what you get

Okay, great! No problem, I'm just kind of focused

Okay, now, you're all going to need aliases.

Okay, okay

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. Back soon. Bye!

Okay. I understand, and I'm cool with it.

Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

Okay. Okay. Sit down.

Only upper management types have them.

Ooh, I shall be Rhonda Mumps.

Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun.

Or maybe I can. Aww. I can't decide.

Or turn and hit one person? I solved it.

Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all

Our neighborhood is being immortalized for its success.

Plans are already in motion to get the humans

Plus I said dumbass. Oh, cursing.

Portals!

Quick stop for pancakes, and then I'll head on back.

Regular moral philosophy books

Relax, Mike. This will all be over soon,

Remember? The thought experiment where

Right away, I had a different problem.

Rub your lucky bookmark. Hear me out.

See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone,

See, the trolley problem forces you to choose between

See? Sometimes lying is awesome.

Separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place.

Set up more of those tables. We're expecting a big crowd.

She counts as a carry on.

She even name drops in Hell.

Smash you later. Let's roll.

So I just gave her mad books to read, round the clock.

So I rounded up some loyal friends

So I sent a black ops team to Mindy's to extract them.

So I'm trying to torture this guy, right? Brant?

So the chances of you being recognized are very small.

So the only way to get to the Judge

So we cooked up the next best thing.

So you can't even lie to demons?

So you guys will lay low while I get us four more.

Something like that.

Sometimes you gotta think outside the bun.

Son of a bitch!

Soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas,

Sounds kind of lame. This guy's the best, really?

Step away from the portal!

Still can't believe those jagoffs got away from us.

Still happy I can swear now,

Take a breath.

Take my credit card to the hedge fund.

Thanks. Right back at you, bud.

That I had to torture, and I just couldn't figure it out.

That is true.

That made you end up here

That was sarcasm. I had thought of that.

That was the name on my fake ID in high school.

That way, Jason's unearned confidence

That we're running into you right now.

That will haunt you for eternity.

That work in every situation.

That's fair. That's a fair hit.

That's me.

That's okay. Janet, can you dig around a little bit

That's really great. But I don't think now's the time.

The "Girls Gone Wild" dude gets here.

The accounting department, and the Janet warehouse

The example I made out of Vicky ensured that everybody

The four humans are not here.

The only people here are Mindy St. Claire

The only things there are the Judge's quarters,

The residents of neighborhood 12358W!

The team is in place. Let's do this.

Then everyone will get drunk

There are nine hot dog torture departments.

There's also an IHOP.

They don't make sense. Apples, you eat their clothes.

They remind me of court and going to court

They're trying to torture us, man

They're unveiling the exhibit in ten minutes,

Think I'm some kind of great torturer.

Think we can get you to crack this nut?

This dude rules!

This game changing experiment chose four humans

This is not good!

This is so exciting!

This is the moment we've all been waiting for.

This is the only way to get to the Judge?

This is very thorough. However...

This one time I was assigned this... a chick

This plan is starting to feel slightly..

This was the safest place I could think of.

Through holiday weekend IKEA. Go.

To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.

To distract myself from the emptiness inside me.

To get them back from Mindy's.

Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed.

Toxic Masculinity. We torture internet trolls, frat dudes.

Two versions of letting other people die.

Ugh. It's me, Good Janet.

Uh oh

Uh oh!

Until those four are back in custody.

Wait! What..

We all know how I would say no.

We have to get out of here right now.

We never even covered that. You read on your own?

We won't need extradition papers.

We're here.

We've been knee deep in demons

Welcome home. Axe up.

Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough,

Well, I mean, how could I say no?

Well, I was going to try to get the humans back

Well, peep this, dog.

Well, principles aren't principles

Well, she deserves to be tortured. She's a monster.

What even is this thing?

What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad?

What if I lie down here and I lose 12 points,

What if lying is ethical in this situation?

What is that? Is that jewelry?

What you got for me, Trent?

What? They kind of nailed it.

What's all this?

Whatever this is, it'll be over in a second,

When you pick and choose when you're going to follow them.

When'd you leave decap? 800 years ago?

Where are the humans? And who is Derek?

Where is Michael?

Which I've been to, by the way.

While I go get us some more of these pins.

Who else could it be?

Whoa, a briefcase?

Why don't you roll off your mom

Why don't you set up the bar over by that wall?

With enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion,

With your moral principles, I get it.

Worked together in partial decapitations.

Worry about them. I'll be fine.

Would be more worried about this.

Yeah, he did. He did. Nice job, bro.

Yeah, maybe I don't know what I'm talking... ball tap!

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm worried.

Yes. I want to strangle you.

Yes. It makes you smell the way

Yes. Throats.

Yo! That looks like my boy Trent!

You all right there, chief?

You all suck, and you're ugly.

You cannot be Blake Bortles.

You didn't give me a pin, man. I don't have one!

You don't really eat these pancakes.

You give him books. I'm serious.

You got it, you piece of butt.

You have to choose your actions

You just start to feel like you're repeating yourself.

You know everyone hates moral philosophers.

You know I'd be all like, "No!"

You know once I shoved a hot dog right down the throat

You know the answer, dude. Lie your ass off.

You look after the others.

You look like you lost your lucky bookmark or something.

You need to be more specific.

You really want to torture this dirtbag?

You think just because I'm a straight hottie

You, cover children's dance recitals

You, search from the spastic dentistry department

You'd go to the movies.

You're always so weird. Love that about you.

You're driving the trolley,

You're lying right now, aren't you?

Your boy Kant would say never break a promise.

'Sup, bro? It's actually pretty choice

Ah! Sick Taco Bell ref. Very nice.

And you are ugly. Just act unnatural

Any day now, man. Hey!

But you know I can't. So weird, Trent, man

Can I have it? These pins are very hard to come by.

Come on! There he is.

Fine. Then I'll be Jake... Don't say Jortles.

Good bye, Eleanor. No, no. Wait, wait!

Hey there, Mike! Hey, Lance.

I can't do this. Oh, boy.

It's pretty straightforward. The Museum of Human Misery?

Joe Francis. The one.

Like Jonathan Dancy says. Jonathan Dancy?

Not even a little nug? Nah, I'm a'ight.

Nothing. Give it to me

Oh, yeah! Ow.

Oh! Let's practice.

Oh! Oh!

Okay. Okay. Hang on. Hang on! Wait. Where's Janet?

on running right now. Right, sorry!

Real example? Yep!

Really zips my tip. Yeah.

Really? No, dumbass!

Sacrifice yourself. What does that mean?

Thanks. Aww.

That's really good. Thank you.

The Museum? Yes. Your neighborhood...

They need you. No.

Want to meet them? Yes!

What do we do? Just don't draw attention.

What do we do? This!

What? Ooh! Tight! Ball tap!

You want me to grab you one? No, I'm good. Thanks.

"First man to send an unsolicited picture

"First waiter to approach a diner with an empty plate

"First white person to grow dreadlocks."

"Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes."

"Transformers" movies make you feel.