The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) - Season 3 Edit

A And a very adult version of hide and seek.

A Are they arresting him? Wait, are you arresting him?

A Are you sitting down?

A big strong fella like you, and with such arms.

A big, grown up man?

A bully only responds to other bullies.

A bus, a cab, a rickshaw.

A catchphrase.

A Christmas special in December,

A club. Look, don't change the subject.

A comedian. A farceur.

A complete, unmitigated disaster.

A couple is coming in now, and, uh... Oh.

A couple of times to play with their kids.

A crazy family vacation.

A cute redhead.

A desert is Bergdorf's when they're low on Handmacher suits

A dime each on the Cards and the Reds.

A familiar face.

A female Mountie? I didn't know there were female Mounties.

A gathering of the best, the brightest,

A giant fucking cheesecake, and I don't think

A girl could get used to this.

A great fucking serious actress.

A guy comes to fix your dishwasher,

A guy in, uh, in need of information

A hotel's looking pretty good to you right now, isn't it?

A huge dead weight on the production.

A jukebox.

A kitchen, two bathrooms.

A length of rope, and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.

A lifetime supply.

A little warning next time!

A living room, a dining room,

A lot of people can't stick it out.

A lot of those people are still there.

A maid wears a uniform.

A man can get tired laying bricks.

A man can get tired.

A man is not a man until he's got a tree.

A man of the city.

A man threw a tomato at me.

A martini with olives, but the martini's the important part.

A mean man, an angry man.

A modern woman mean I have to give up being a girl?

A next generation suffragette will wear pink and ride horses,

A nice, prolonged panic.

A nonrefundable down payment to the photographer.

A pen, a notebook and a drink.

A person whose...

A photo in the jeep will be fine.

A polite gentleman should keep a lady company.

A prettier face comes along, and I'm chopped liver.

A primer to the ******* people.

A set of hotel schematics we could look at?

A singer, I assume, sir.

A staircase to nowhere.

A suitcase fell on my head and a child threw up on my handbag.

A third person in this play.

A thousand people in Vegas.

A token of my gratitude.

A ton of sandpaper...

A tough competitor,

A townhouse? For him and Miriam?

A true master.

A two, three, four.

A very nice thing,

A very specific person to wear these sleeves, right?

A wag.

A weird ask. Something in your contract

A well done steak, and a Polaroid

A what to where?

A what?

A woman in row three coughed repeatedly

A woman running for office. I love that.

A.M. or P.M.?

Abandoned you? She dropped you? What a jerk.

Abbie,

Abe is fine, Liev. Thank you for asking.

Abe Weissman.

Abe, answer the phone.

Abe, did you say theater critic?

Abe, get the bags.

Abe, I read your piece.

Abe, I think this must have been a very underripe tomato,

Abe, it's a tiny bit unorthodox

Abe, take our bed. We'll sleep on the pullout. It does not say "pineapple."

Abe, this is terrible. You were assaulted by a stranger.

Abe!

Abe! Abe! Whoa!

Abe.

Abe.

Abe.

Abe... It It's a nice piece of writing, but

Abort, abort, abort.

About a wonderful show we saw last night.

About August Strindberg.

About big important things, only little things like,

About darker skin, so I can just...

About how I defended you, how I fought for you,

About my parents tonight,

About my time here.

About pushing the two of you together.

About some goddamned ass licking, cock sucking,

About something they didn't do.

About something you did.

About Sophie.

About that crack.

About the buzz surrounding Miss Julie?

About the dead dogs in the bedroom.

About the young lovers in French.

About them.

About you and Miriam,

About you having your friends over.

Abraham Weissman, would you come join us, please?

Absolutely crazy.

Absolutely not. The act is clean.

Absolutely.

Act in this ridiculous farce of a play.

Act it. Easy for someone standing in the wings to say.

Actually, could I have something stronger?

Actually, her I know. She's my cat's godmother.

Actually, I don't really know anything about her.

Actually, I have no idea if that's true,

Actually, it's how men grow.

Actually, princess, you kind of fucking do.

Add back a Sahl and divide by Bringle.

Adjusted for inflation, and calculated the numbers of years

Adoring crowds. She knows Elia Kazan intimately.

After everything we've done for you?

After I read the kids a story.

After she pours the coffee, dear.

After this, I'm heading to LaGuardia

Afterward, I'll buy you dinner.

Again, just to jog your memory.

Again.

Again. From the same man.

Agreed.

Ah choo! Thank you.

Ah, good.

Ah, great. The bus.

Ah, hell. My blazer's wrinkled to shit.

Ah, I got nothing!

Ah, I see.

Ah, I'm not so sure of that. The couple before you,

Ah, Miriam.

Ah, see, that I understood perfectly.

Ah, shit.

Ah, Slim.

Ah, so they told you I was an idiot.

Ah, there you are.

Ah, well.

Ah, yes. Follow me.

Ah, your face! Hysterical!

Ah. Good. Eat this.

Ah. No.

Ah. You quit piano, you quit your marriage,

Ah... Susie lost some money!

Aha. Wait. I have two days in September.

Ahh.

Ain't it, though?

Alan came up with both of those.

All but six.

All it takes is a little Winky Dink magic...

All over again, but without snacks.

All right kids, uh, sit down now,

All right, fuckers. This is it.

All right, gentlemen.

All right, guys, let's try it again.

All right, I'll tell you. I think you're a genius.

All right, I'm coming.

All right, I'm down.

All right, look, I got to go. Uh, we'll figure something out.

All right, now he's kissing her some more,

All right, now I think it's time you boys sing for your supper.

All right, stop it!

All right, then, gang. Now let's roll up our sleeves

All right, this is me.

All right, we're off.

All right, what am I singing?

All right, which one you think's goin' down?

All right, young man.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Bye.

All right. I'll eat the Jell O.

All right. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

All set. Here's your key.

All the angst that pervaded this room,

All the girls look good in the pictures.

All the things I wished I was doing at 18.

All the tour dates have changed,

All the tsuris it caused, it was me.

All their toys, books, clean clothes,

All this talk is about

All those bags go

All we need is the check and we're on our way.

All will be well, and nothing like what happened

All you need is a social disease,

All young people are just a bunch of idiots.

Allowing my voice to soar freely.

Almost all boys are circumcised.

Almost as much as I love myself.

Almost hit the milkman.

Almost. But there is an even bigger chance

Along with my copilot Darryl and navigator Chris.

Also want to marry Shy off.

Although, I should be the one scaring you.

Always a help. Thanks.

Always around to babysit...

Always take the side with the bathroom.

Always with the poetry.

Always, but that's not why I'm here.

Am I getting the story right? Because I really want

Am I late? I thought I was on time.

Am I still asleep?

Am I walking funny? Like I have elephant balls?

Am I?

Am I? I didn't think I was.

Am I? Maybe. People do weird things

Amazing, huh?

An explanation I was absolutely entitled to, by the way.

An ice bath... You'll feel much better.

An opportunity to do something.

And a Chuck Berry song?

And a lightning bolt went through me.

And a little sexy.

And a lot of other people who are trained to do this.

And a married woman

And a sign out front and someone fetching your coffee.

And a son of Israel. Ha!

And Abbie, you're still here?

And additional funds are needed

And after a stop for fuel in Kansas City, we should

And after my act, you can see Shy perform.

And again.

And all you had to do was have the guts to follow through

And also wish he'd dump Jackie and marry me?

And always has been, but never the way it's been

And an apricot rugelach on the house.

And an unmarried woman will take the pill so she can have

And apple pie? This place isn't that.

And Archie are gonna have them over

And Astrid, if you please?

And at the beginning of the play, I enter.

And bam, off they went.

And Bessie the cow had wandered off.

And bettering mankind. Now look at me.

And birds and bats and alligators and sand.

And bring out the lucky star in which one's

And broke!

And by "it," I mean "me."

And by "tune a piano," you mean...?

And by "we," I mean me.

And by the way, "irregardless"? It's not a word.

And Cary Grant as her new husband.

And catch up before the tour.

And change.

And commit an act of physical violence!

And cut.

And cut. Great job, Midge.

And did you hear about Gavin's movie?

And discount cocaine.

And dish on boys and treat ourselves to a beauty regimen.

And do it, and you didn't.

And do whatever you want with it,

And don't floor it all at once, or it'll flood.

And drink up. All proceeds go to Collegiate.

And empties it right on Cab Calloway.

And Esther. Are they going on the road with you?

And even if you were.

And even then, I couldn't get her to stop drinking,

And every night there's a beautiful sunset,

And everyone else's failures,

And Ezra has outdone himself.

And five, not ten.

And for some reason, any event featuring a live animal,

And for you generals in the audience,

And fuck and balls and penis and tits.

And gave him a sexy, three part kiss,

And get better, Levi. Papa, I know you're proud,

And get to New York. You do not belong here.

And getting up. People expect that, too.

And give you your goddamn pin money.

And go out there and do the work.

And God bless America!

And having Ethan help him.

And he asked her for some dirt, but it kind of felt like

And he couldn't find someone to take it,

And he lives by grants, so we're nomads.

And he practically elbowed me

And he rolled a seven, so you kind of did.

And he rubbed his hands with it, then she bent down

And he said it was okay.

And he saw that sexy three part kiss.

And he should go find his real family?

And he sold the alley.

And he told me I had to memorize my lines.

And he walked right into it.

And he wanted to do this play with you,

And he was my hero."

And he will mention that they were

And he's been trying to will it into existence.

And he's extremely cute.

And he's gonna see to that for you.

And her brilliance manifests itself in craziness.

And her lungs, and her liver.

And here are The Crew Cuts with "Sh Boom."

And here we are. I'm sorry, we should've called.

And here's to hoping one of you understands me.

And his closet?

And hop down to the Gaslight once or twice a week, do a set,

And how did you pick the name, Astrid?

And how's Abe?

And I admit, I was a little snippy.

And I am going to get us out of this house.

And I am here tonight to say...

And I am nothing if not a perfectionist.

And I appreciated it.

And I can only do Friday after 3:00,

And I can't create if I'm not feeling safe.

And I cut off the tip of my finger,

And I did take ballet as a girl.

And I discovered that all he has to do is sing.

And I do care about money a great deal...

And I do not have to take you down for her.

And I don't know what the hell he's saying.

And I don't know where Esther is.

And I don't like to come empty handed, so meet Fred.

And I don't want them to think they're dealing with a nobody.

And I don't want you without your books.

And I don't want you without your clothes.

And I get why you'd be mad.

And I got to work.

And I had to do something about it.

And I had to see it for myself.

And I have a client that you are gonna flip over, hand to heart.

And I have to pee.

And I have to sublet it to Jackie.

And I haven't decided four or six lamb chops,

And I heard Betty Bacall is a notorious double dipper.

And I heard you.

And I just can't do that again.

And I just need to know if there could be raids

And I just realized

And I just think it would be smart

And I just want you to know,

And I just wanted to get up here and tell him that,

And I know you wouldn't like Bye Bye Birdie

And I need your sheets. Chop chop.

And I never gave you trouble.

And I never miss it.

And I never miss The Today Show.

And I really admire all those women

And I said I wouldn't mind, and I don't.

And I see no indication that Mr. Joel Maisel is contesting this.

And I see that chick there,

And I sure as hell won't tell her we slept together.

And I thought I knew which weird she was,

And I told you to go fuck yourself,

And I walk a little funny, which might be fun

And I want to make sure you're not making a mistake here.

And I was just... Sorry about the tie.

And I was like, "I've been called a lot of things, pal..."

And I was like, "Take the A train, it's faster."

And I was miserly.

And I wear flowered shorts to work.

And I went onstage in that nice big room

And I will see you later, Angie.

And I'd also never seen Mister Kelly's.

And I'd beat someone to death with my bass.

And I'll be back before you know it.

And I'll be there to pull you out of the gutter.

And I'll feel bad forever,

And I'm a woman!"

And I'm about to go on the road.

And I'm gonna make money off of this. You'll see.

And I'm late. Come on. Get a move on.

And I'm not a cop.

And I'm phrasing these things as questions,

And I'm representing Miriam Maisel in this matter.

And I'm willing to accept an apology.

And if Astrid's up to it, there'll be a few sleepovers

And if Ethan goes to school in Queens

And if I cut them open incorrectly, they tend to die.

And if I get there before 6:00, there's chicken.

And if one of those planes goes down in the water,

And if the place is a slum, don't screw him.

And if they did, they wouldn't galumph,

And if Zelda doesn't have a decent kitchen,

And in case you're wondering, that's less.

And in this movie, what does the spunky brunette want to talk

And instead, it was meant for me.

And is there any specific reason why?

And it all goes to hell.

And it costs so much, we have to sell him for parts

And it hit you in the head. You are possibly concussed.

And it just bled and bled and bled and bled.

And it looks bigger.

And it was a bad idea. No more cabs.

And it won't be the same if she's not there.

And it would be weird if I sat over there with them.

And it'll be a terrific souvenir.

And it's a real hang up,

And it's going like gangbusters.

And it's my son who closed the deal.

And it's not a dump? All I've seen are dumps.

And it's not for making yourself feel bad

And it's not getting any smaller.

And It's the Sixties, Man! Two timeless names.

And it's very nice to meet you.

And kissing her.

And know pretty well how to dance.

And later finds out he got into Collegiate,

And line up a local commercial.

And louder ones another time.

And make a pillow out of bolts of cloth.

And make you the face of free speech.

And make your performance one of those performances

And maybe you should cut back

And maybe you should learn baseball. Just a tip, pal.

And miss shows to get this done.

And more clothes and...

And more guys got in.

And most hotels have an on site shoe repair.

And my girdle and my sex life.

And my husband's talking about moving his mother in

And my last husband never kissed my shoe,

And my last play closed without opening?

And my question is,

And my relationships and my failures,

And no New Testament.

And no one invites me?

And no, and yes again, though, eventually, no.

And not in tampons or corn syrup?

And not just 'cause you socked me in the face.

And now both her parents are in the biz.

And now I need a little more?

And now I'm looking to reach out and do the same

And now it's on the market, discounted.

And now it's up to me to get it back.

And now they're here,

And now they're married with one on the way.

And now they're telling me our opening date isn't flexible.

And now we're filing for divorce again.

And now we're out of men.

And now, I live in Queens, and I smell like onions

And odds on my pass line bet.

And one of the farmhands tried to milk me.

And one of these days, you are gonna have to acknowledge

And one of us may have to peel off early.

And other than saying I'd like for her to go,

And perhaps exotic to some of you,

And Petra raises chickens in the Hudson Valley.

And pictures with the troops. Yes?

And poof, over!

And prostitution are one and the same.

And protested and wore white...

And prove you are a serious actress.

And Pulitzer worthy question, sir.

And radio and her live act and print ads,

And raise your voice, because people get scared. See?

And right now, they are all looking at you

And say all sorts of uncomfortable,

And second, I'm not the bad guy here.

And see if we can tackle these vector identities.

And sex with men and sexy men

And sex with sexy men,

And she asked for your number.

And she called me a circus freak.

And she is using stuffed cabbage in a very punitive manner.

And she turns 30 when?

And she uses way too much hairspray.

And she wants live commercials, too.

And she wants me to do that for her.

And she was training him, as she called it.

And she wouldn't be turning to prostitution

And she's as sweet as pie, to boot.

And she's gonna rename all your children.

And she's smart and funny.

And Shy Baldwin? Are you hearing him?

And since I'm not a part of this family,

And since they are here...

And sit with you and relax.

And so far, it's exactly the same.

And social security payments, matched them to our expenses,

And some wildlife.

And somehow that makes it logical or something.

And Sophie's touring in the fall.

And speaking of Shy Baldwin...

And stay in the air?

And such a nice guy, and he gave me my break.

And tell him the fruit stand story?

And tell their children to avoid at Halloween.

And tell you what you should have ordered.

And thank you all for this.

And thank you, Lord!

And thanks for the good food. Tasted fine.

And that beard is a fire hazard.

And that is exactly what I intend to do.

And that it goes for another five and a half years.

And that takes money.

And that was the end of that.

And that we will do with aplomb.

And that woman I would work with again over Sophie Lennon.

And that woman over there is completely freaking me out.

And that you can't watch me onstage

And that you still think I'm a prostitute.

And that your other commitment will not get in the way.

And that's that.

And that's what happens when you let someone

And that's where you chose to send your mother

And the air conditioner's blowing right on him.

And the angle. Pretty sexy.

And the coming back together would've been sensational.

And the comrades in the study?

And the coup de grâce: this whole room

And the doctor is a man called a "mohel,"

And the final choices are The New Jive

And the girls have their piano lessons

And the great Sophie Lennon.

And the man behind me kept raving on and on

And the next day, he'd be right back there,

And the next thing I knew, she's talking to me

And the performances need to reflect that sensitivity.

And the price is locked in for five years?

And the real problem here is that her brilliance

And the routing of the ductwork.

And the true king was kind enough to allow me to return.

And the world is still exactly the same.

And the written word... It's going to change the world.

And then bangs his little gavel.

And then each other."

And then finally they will have won.

And then Grandpa shows up with a suitcase full of donuts.

And then he pushed me back, and before I knew it,

And then I have to... Thelma!

And then I sat by the phone like a virgin on prom night.

And then I started screaming in the street,

And then I woke up, and it was fine, so...

And then I'll introduce you to Shy Baldwin.

And then it's back in the oven.

And then one schmuck calls me a communist,

And then she checked on James Dean,

And then she rushed up to me and asked me

And then Shy Baldwin called.

And then some.

And then someone else decided to drink her own weight in gin.

And then suddenly, you're running around Utah

And then the more I drank, the more I forgot

And then tomorrow you'll come to my show,

And then tomorrow, there's...

And then unleash them on the world.

And then we all eat deli.

And then we got remarried,

And then we un broke up, and then we got divorced,

And then we won't be invited to the wedding.

And then we're both drinking, and I am so fucked up.

And then we're both ordering drinks,

And then you can go to the Tonys and completely forget

And then you do bad things...

And then you get paid.

And then you write about it, my play, my other plays.

And then you'll leave? After the bags?

And then you'll tell me what you thought about my act.

And then, he pushed me back, so I pushed him back.

And then, once a week, I will send you a check.

And there are pretty girls everywhere,

And there I was, right next to him.

And there was no laughter.

And there's only a post office box and it's in Delaware,

And there's the saying

And they can go to the Poconos every year for Christmas

And they just keep running through my head.

And they put the queen on their money.

And they threw the "Julie" in for free.

And they were closing up.

And they will let you know their verdict immediately.

And they'll be happy to teach it to you.

And they're after Labor Day. I mean...

And they're beggin' for extra nights.

And they're definitely the owners?

And this is Mrs. Drummond.

And this is Slim.

And this is the reason you have those three children.

And this place is a club.

And this thing I have, I can't even call it a relationship yet.

And to not let certain well financed minorities,

And to thank you for listening,

And to the left.

And told her what my schedule is, and she could have

And twist.

And uprooting your life and causing you to make plans

And Vito was the lone holdout.

And voting. You get a pin.

And wait for you.

And we bought it from the sweetest old lady.

And we definitely didn't go to a dentist?

And we got him. We got Gavin Hawk. This is big.

And we got married. And then we had sex.

And we got some really weird asks, so be ready.

And we have a little problem with our check.

And we thank you for your understanding.

And we think Abe should be a part of it.

And we use it wisely.

And we will try till we get it right.

And we'll take that bow together.

And we're both working now, and we're both working nights.

And we're ****!

And we're out. Good job, guys.

And what am I supposed to do?

And what if it's not there?

And what kind of billing I'd get after the dog faced boy

And what would he do?

And what, pray tell, is the play?

And what's that smell?

And when I came back, I saw Miss Julie dancing

And when I came out, this was my head.

And when I come in, I am opening a door.

And when I didn't go get him back as instructed,

And when I get back, I'll have to find a place.

And when I walk back up the beach,

And when it so happens I want to dance,

And when the cinema showed the film

And when we finally get an opportunity to do something

And where they go to school.

And where to honeymoon.

And who are these lovely young ladies?

And who is playing Julie?

And who is the greatest dramatic star?

And who took these pictures?

And why you're wearing that terrible shirt to rehearsal.

And willing to cook my brisket for two hours at 375.

And with my divorce getting finalized now...

And you are officially a road comic.

And you are very sweet for coming here today.

And you can finally see my show.

And you can have as many come bets out there as you want.

And you can see me perform.

And you can stop trying to manipulate the lives

And you can't wear it after Labor Day

And you chose to dump that and have me act.

And you cried when you did it. I saw you cry.

And you didn't much like the jokes about food, children,

And you don't back down, and you don't lie to me.

And you forgot, but since you agreed

And you got to do it today?

And you got to go call Guido's Body Shop in Staten Island

And you had it all right there in the palm of your hand,

And you let a banjo in the house.

And you pulled this off.

And you put odds behind all of 'em?

And you quit your piano lessons!

And you should probably do the same with yours.

And you want to know what the really sad thing is, Sophie?

And you went to his work to try and set him up with a girl.

And you were good.

And you were sleeping so soundly.

And you would be perfect for the other lead. The man.

And you'll be scrounging for food on the streets.

And you're all invited.

And you're doing costumes for Shy Baldwin.

And you're done.

And you're going in for your nap, Ronald.

And you're in the black, back up your place bets

And you're not fornicating with syphilitic poets.

And you're not growing a full beard

And you're not having to go to your grave

And you're the wife.

And your daughter has all those cats.

And your father wasn't listening.

And your husband drinks.

And your kitchen, Noah, is for shit.

And your lemon wedges.

And your license has been fast tracked.

And your youngest girl, Leslie,

And, eventually, they saw our side of things.

And, frankly, my life's been a mess this past year,

And, group, this is Midge Maisel.

And, I'm sorry, who is that?

And, no, I don't know how to explain it to my friends

And, Rose... he read it.

And, uh, a shower.

And, uh, it goes a little something... like this.

And, uh... Oh, she's saying something.

And, we're out.

And, yes, I do feel that comedy

And, yes, she can sharpen a pencil.

And, you know, everybody seems to get so angry

And?

And... managed.

And... pulse.

Angie Calibresi... The head of food and beverage.

Angie knows Bobby Darin?

Another busload should be arriving soon

Another minute.

Any of it!

Any questions while Midge is gone, ask me.

Any time, guys.

Anya, I have to go,

Anyhow, if you could let her know all this, I'd be grateful.

Anyone else?

Anyone skims from the till, they hit the pavement.

Anyone so completely lacking in sanity.

Anyone who waters down the goods, they hit the pavement.

Anything.

Anything. I don't care what it is.

Anything. This stops now.

Anytime you like.

Anyway, everything's set for the first month of the tour.

Anyway, I'm getting back on the horse, because

Anyway, the votes are in,

Anywho...

Apostrophe "S".

Apparently you said something weird about my eyes.

Apparently, "alimony" means "money."

Appetizers?

Applaud me. I need it. Even if it's mocking.

Arch, this is Mei.

Archie has suffered enough.

Archie would sit outside my house for hours.

Archie. Come on. Have a beer.

Are all the...?

Are really great.

Are the hottest producers on Broadway right now,

Are there any left?

Are they really the owners?

Are those onions?

Are we expecting a crowd?

Are we in trouble?

Are we using the word "girlfriend"?

Are you all right? It's Midge.

Are you and Joel getting back together?

Are you bashful,

Are you crazy?!

Are you hurt anywhere else?

Are you in? Yeah, I'm in. Me, too.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding? Have you seen the hats?

Are you my manager

Are you serious?

Are you sure that's not the dogs?

Are you sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm gonna die.

Are you taking the tablecloth, Shirl?

Are you tired, miss? You must be tired.