The Birdcage (1996) Soundboard Edit

Actually, I'm talking to the asshole behind you.

Agador's superb soup. We're in luck, he doesn't make this for everyone.

Al, you old so and so.

Albert is hysterical now.

Albert, you're blocking my way.

Albert! Will you listen?

And a lot of good, warm, family feeling.

And Albert's practically a breast.

And all of the French. Especially Mitterrand.

And his snobbery. And that dig about Grover's Corners.

And I chose Albert.

And I wanted to check..

And it would be such a special marriage.

And the roads. Black...

Are you trying to ruin me?

Armand, they're picking on us.

As Jonathan Swift did when he suggested

Bad things, that...

Barbara's nice. I owe it to Val,

Because chicken is so important to them.

But I bet John Major has something on the side. And she can't handle it.

But I pity the woman who's too busy to take care of her man.

But I still have feelings.

But you'll look like a fag in a uniform.

Chocolate schnecken.

Daddy favored Key Biscayne, but...

Damn!

Did you see him when she talked? He looked almost frightened.

Don't be ashamed of Grover's Corners.

Don't be silly. I got pork roast for dinner.

Don't call me Barbie. Today at two. We've been sleeping together for a year.

Don't come back, don't ask me for anything.

Don't look at me like that. I didn't kill him.

Don't use the spoon. And don't dribble dots of mustard.

Down!

Eli Jackson was a common redneck. We never saw him socially.

Excuse me.

Excuse us.

First, you're only 20.

From 2:30 till 3:45 a.m. Two times.

Fuck the Senator. I don't give a damn what he thinks.

Gentlemen... and ladies,

Goddamn it! Fuck the shrimp!

Green fields.

Growing up the way he did. It can't have been easy.

He won't let her run the house. He's in the kitchen. He serves.

He's asleep in his room if you don't believe me.

He's locked himself in. If we're lucky he won't come out at all.

He's not a cultural attaché?

He's very nice, but such a problem.

Here I am!

Hideous! Fat and hideous!

Him and his Cole d'whatever.

His father is in the arts. He's on the Council of Cultural Arts.

How handsome you were.

How is he?

How nice to meet you, Mrs. Coleman.

I am.

I assure you,

I can hardly wait.

I can still get hurt.

I can't get this damn tie even.

I don't believe this. I don't fucking believe this! I'm ruined!

I don't know what happened.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I feel like I'm insane.

I haven't done much for him in the last 20 years.

I just don't know.

I just want to say, Mr. And Mrs... Mr...

I know it's a little late

I know.

I know. I can't get this big lug to buy a new suit.

I made you short?

I think I have found the one.

I told Albert he could stay.

I won't let some idiot senator destroy that.

I would have loved to see your children.

I... I...

I'll bet you were lovely.

I'll do this, Albert.

I'll get you some more ice. Be right back, love.

I'm getting married.

I'm here, son.

I'm in the home of a gay couple who own a drag club.

I'm not wearing any makeup.

I've never seen these bowls before

If politicians didn't make laws to protect them.

If you don't finish making up, I'll kill myself.

In the Senator's... story.

Indifference is the most awful thing in the world.

Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...

Is Armand there?

Is he? That helps.

Is one of the things weakening this country.

Isn't that nice?

It must be coming from that nightclub on the corner.

It was a wonderful world then, wasn't it? Happy families and

It was all sand when they bought here.

It was just so magical to come from the north, where it's cold...

It's a wonderful show.

It's insane.

It's just for one night.

It's one of the prettiest in the world.

It's perfectly innocent.

It's so wonderful what you've done here. Everything is so simple and uncluttered.

It's the end. I know it is.

Jackson's dead.

Just one.

Kevin, this is a man.

Let's drink to Senator Keeley's daughter and our Val.

Let's keep going. And no more talking from anyone.

Look at this.

Many pro lifers, I don't agree with them, but they feel that if you...

Mom, don't talk about things you don't know about.

Mom?

Mom.

Morality is political.

My best wigs. I won't need them where I'm going.

My co founder just died in the bed of an underage black whore!

My mother wouldn't do it. Would she?

No good?

No, he's too controversial. What about Billy Graham?

No, I want to go home.

No, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

No.

No. Mrs. Coleman can't handle him.

No. You can't be *******.

Not even our show. Your show.

Not necessarily.

Now take off the wig or I'll tell Albert you wore it.

Of course, it's wrong to kill an abortion doctor.

Of course, we don't believe a word of it.

Oh, Armand, our baby is going to leave us. And we won't have any others.

Oh, fuck 'em. Of course you can pass as an uncle.

Oh, God! I pierced the toast!

Oh, God. I thought, "What the hell?"

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That's it. That's it.

Oh, this.

Okay, I'll bite.

Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna! But you keep it all inside.

Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd!

Paragraph two, it's "porno," not "pronto."

Peasant soup is an entrée. It's like stew!

Pop, without her, I'm screwed. You know that.

Pop...

Pornography would not exist

Quick, give me a pen. I don't want all of this, Armand.

Really?

Really? Barbara told us it was mostly sand

Senator Keeley!

Senator?

Shall we have champagne to celebrate?

She transcends your desire to chew. She electrifies you!

She won't.

She's a housewife.

Shut up, goddamn you! Stop crying! Goddamn you!

Sign it.

So funny.

So this is hell. And there's a crucifix in it.

So we're all alone.

So what do you think of these kids getting married?

Somebody has to like me best.

Something to drink?

Something very strange is going on.

South Beach, Florida.

Starina will not disappoint them, even in this state.

Start tomorrow morning. I'll get Albert out early.

Stop the doctors, you stop the abortions

Surprise

Sweetie, you're wasting your gum.

Take it easy, Louise. Barbara, we're leaving now.

Take it.

Thank you, Agador Spartacus! You may go.

Thank you.

That better?

That's just what Rush Limbaugh said.

That's so refreshing, isn't it, Kevin?

That's what I thought until I found out Alexander the Great was a fag.

The bag lady. Good morning, Agador.

The hills, the mountains.

The incomparable Starina.

The monster...

The Senator was co founder of the Coalition for Moral Order

The tension... it's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

The trees.

Then I'll see you upstairs.

Then why did they move to New Jersey?

Then you haven't seen one in a long time. That's a boy.

There's an idiotic issue, gays in the military!

There's more. There's a lot more.

They own the drag club downstairs. They're two men.

They pay.

They took everything away.

They're in my purse by the chair.

This guy's a fucking maniac.

This is my wife.

This is our footage for the show on Jackson. Pump up the sound.

This is so Guatemala.

This must be the same building

This young man Barbie wants to marry...

Tighten your wrist.

To perform with your little estrogen Rockettes.

To plan an event.

To see the wonderful farms, the countryside.

Unbutton your shirt.

Val, was that Mom?

Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents.

Val's getting married.

Val's mother is just late.

Val's uncle? Uncle Al?

Very nice, Val.

Wait, Miss Albert! Don't forget this.

Wait, wait.

Was that my wife?

We may not make the live shot. If we must, I'll do a stand up.

We need a woman.

We'd like the champagne now.

We'd never get him past the Keeleys. Dad, we have to rid of a few things.

We're involved in a scandal.

Well, if I can put in my two cents,

Well, why not? I'm not young. I'm not new

What about those?

What do I do? The number is nearly over.

What is it?

What the hell is this?

What?

What's the future of the Coalition?

What's the point? To be Val's gay uncle?

What's the young lady's name?

Where Armand's chateau is,

Where's Starina?

Which may perhaps heal some of the...

Who put Playboy in the bathroom?

Why are you being an asshole?

Why are you giving him drugs? What the hell are Pirin tablets?

Why do you think I put so much in it?!

Why don't I ask your mother?

Why don't you hold the crucifix? It's the prop for martyrs.

Why you talk to me like I'm your servant?

Wine?

Work it. Sell it. Own it. Go, girlfriend.

Work on that. I'll be right back. It's looking wonderful

Would mind if their children prayed in the classroom.

Wouldn't you know it? The one night I don't perform...

You did what? Why?

You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! Or Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham!

You have such a responsibility, two houses.

You know I hate to brag, but...

You know what I mean.

You look wonderful. Let's go window shopping.

You said if Miss Donovan asked, I should say you were a businessman.

You think she'd do it?

You'll be sorry the rest of your life. There! Enough said. Subject closed.

You're afraid I'm too primitive

You're embarrassing me.

You're thinking that dressed this way,

You've had enough candy.

Your mother should know I want a career and marriage.

Can you come upstairs with me? No. Not right now.

Fine. Goodbye, Pop. Goodbye, son.

Fuckin' A! Fuckin' A, right!

Hello. You all right?

Holding the sandwich? It doesn't matter. Just walk.

I don't understand. Yes, you do.

I'll buy you some. I need peds.

I'm leaving. It's just one night, Albert.

Mornin', Albert. Good morning!

my red boots... I don't want them.

There's a man in your life. What?

This is an intersection. So? We're the press.

Val's mother? Mrs. Goldman?

Who is it? Val's mother, Mrs. Goldman.

You said his parents were in Greece. Dad, get off the phone!

♪ And still have begged for more

♪ As we walk on by

♪ Can they be that close?

♪ Don't fade away

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ I could have danced, danced, danced

♪ I could have spread my wings

♪ I got all my sisters with me

♪ Let me state for the record

♪ Love is in the air

♪ Unprepossessing

♪ Virgins are distinctly nervous

♪ We are family

♪ We are family

♪ We are family ♪

♪ What is this dream I see?

♪ Why does it seem

♪ Wives are at their husbands' service