The Birdcage (1996) Edit

A big hand for our girls.

A big, loving family gathered around the table,

A fellow sufferer. Where did you play?

A man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.

A minor? And black?

A nice trip. Very nice.

A prostitute?

A triumph. Well, bye bye.

A wedding is hope. And a white wedding is family and morality and tradition.

A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens.

Abortion, same sex marriage...

About 15 years ago. The area was mostly ******* then.

About a return to family values and a stricter moral code.

About the death of Senator Jackson.

About what? Once they see you and Albert together...

Absolutely. We've got five hours.

Actually, it's perfect. I never realized John Wayne walked like that.

Agador said she'd be down in five.

Agador Spartacus! He insists on being called by his full name.

Agador, I need some Pirin tablets.

Agador, I'm in such pain.

Agador, where is Starina? She goes on in five minutes.

Agador, will you? It's in the usual place.

Agador? Goddamn it.

Al, you old son of a bitch! How do you feel about that call today?

Albert, you're driving me crazy.

Albert!

Albert!

Albert!

Albert?

Albie, no. I've just taken a few things out.

All I have to remember is, I can always get more toast.

All right, all right.

All the colors.

All they trust are headlines.

Alone... weeping for her lover.

Although I do think that the foliage in Ohio is underrated.

An event which I cannot...

And a Scotch, if you have it.

And banged your head on the ground. He didn't even know how to box!

And everyone laughs at me.

And finally, the vulgar Coleman in Florida, where Armand's home is.

And gays in the military.

And girls! Doesn't your bowl have girls?

And he's a pretentious European, the worst kind.

And he's my friend and companion.

And here's another one.

And his decadent china. I've seen it all before.

And His Women; Senator Keeley and His Men."

And how about that?

And I have more bad news for you.

And I know nothing because I'm a woman.

And I saw a bottle of white wine,

And I'm marrying her, not him.

And it was a question of Albert or your mother.

And it's terrifying. Get out the white wine,

And look at these lovely old books.

And one after. No more, so don't ask.

And poor, little Mrs. Coleman.

And see the tremendous differences from region to region,

And so do you.

And talk in your normal voice. Give me a break.

And the English. Not Margaret Thatcher, of course.

And the maids we've run through in the last six years!

And the son disappearing while we were eating.

And their name is Goldman, not Coleman.

And they threw in books. It all goes back tomorrow.

And this.

And today, for the first time, he really needs you.

And what about Albert? How do you make Albert into a housewife?

And you do make people laugh.

And you hate me.

And you smear. Men smear.

And you...

And you're going to have to try to,

And your posture.

Another television crew. And they're going into the club!

Another television van just arrived. And a car.! T says Florida Eagle.

Any last instructions?

Anything? I'll have to change my shoes.

Are we crucifying someone tonight?

Are you afraid of my Guatemalanness?

Are you calling me an asshole?

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy? Forget it.

Are you crazy? It's packed out there!

Are you nuts? You try sending Albert away.

Aristotle Onassis was like this.

Armand Goldman, you old so and so.

Armand Goldman.

Armand, it's Katharine.

Armand.

Armand... Coleman.

Army Goldman.

As a sign of your union, you may kiss the bride.

As if anyone, ****, Muslims, whatever,

As requested.

As we come to the end of our show, you are family, too, so sing along.

As you see, I've just gotten back from safari. I picked up a new muff.

Aspirin, with the "A" and "S" sc****d off.

At least he speaks English.

At this point, we don't know if the Senator is at home...

Aye, for the gypsy.

Back?

Barbara will be with you. It's not you they're after.

Barbara, Albert isn't my mother. He's a drag queen.

Barbara, please don't do this to me.

Barbara, the nightclub downstairs, he owns it?

Barbara.

Barbara's coming with her parents.

Barbara's wedding will disassociate us from all this, really.

Because you have to start cooking dinner.

Because you're our faithful houseman.

Bessie Jackson is an insensitive cow.

Better put your shoes on, it's late.

Better to kill the mothers. That will stop them.

Bless them. That's the way nature made them.

Bob Dole is gorgeous!

Bravo!

Breathe. Ignore the bad things.

Bridget!

But at 20, if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut,

But can't pick out a tie.

But don't just pull it. Do it down there. I got highwaters here.

But how many mothers does Val have?

But I don't want you to get how you get.

But I know who I am, Val. It took me 20 years to get here.

But if things go well, I'd appreciate it.

But it still has be a good drag show. If possible, a great one.

But it's not important.

But the fetus is going to be aborted, so let it go down with the ship.

But then, he comes from such good stock.

But watch how nice I'm gonna put it for you.

But who owns it now?

But... you've always said I was a very level headed guy. And I am.

By a virtual army of media, waiting for his comment on the events of late.

C O L E M A N. There's no first name on the bell.

Can I get anyone some soup?

Can you get a good shot of the house?

Can you...

Care to dance... baby?

Celsius, let's start with the premise

Celsius, look, this may be a drag show,

Chewing gum helps me think.

Chill two glasses and take the night off.

Chilling in the refrigerator.

Co founder of the Coalition...

Coldman, Coldman. Spartacus is...

Cole d'man in Greece where Armand's work is,

Coleman and his nasty little European traditions.

Coleman or Coldman?

Coleman. The "D" is silent.

Come give me a hug.

Come on, Gloria.

Come on! Don't be so negative. I think we can pull this off.

Come on.

Come on. Drop your bags, stay a while.

Come on. You're a big fan.

Coming.

Could you say I was a visiting relative?

Couldn't the Keeleys slip out at the end of the show?

Cutting through the green.

Cyril, that's too short.

Dad uses this place more for work and... reflection than anything else.

Dad, Barbara's father is a senator, a conservative senator.

Dad, could we hire a straight maid for tonight?

Dad, get in there. Everything is going to hell.

Dad, he's Kevin Keeley.

Dad, is my mother coming?

Dad, what do we do? Do we wait for her or do we...

Daddy!

Dark.

Darling, have you eaten? You look haggard.

Did they fund the Mapplethorpe exhibit?

Did you get him?

Did you just say, "See you in half an hour, Mom"?

Did you see what he just did? Hello, Vallie, darling.

Dinner is going to be late, okay?

Do I send Carmen on for Starina?

Do me a favor, Val. Don't talk to me for a while.

Do you ever read the newspapers?

Do you remember the show where we met?

Do you want me to be?

Does it matter?

Don't add.

Don't add. Just subtract.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Don't be afraid.

Don't be silly. It isn't even swollen.

Don't be silly. No one noticed the wig. Where's the spirit gum?

Don't be so negative! Have a little hope!

Don't be such a baby. Be careful!

Don't come...

Don't go. I don't want to be the only girl not dancing.

Don't just stand there! She'll be here any minute! Go!

Don't kill yourselves.

Don't leave me!

Don't look at me. I'm hideous!

Don't patronize your mother. She's amazingly intelligent.

Don't worry about that.

Don't you agree?

Don't you see? They're gay.

Don't you think this room is nice?

Earlier reports placed him at the home of Senator Robert Dole.

Easy on the wine, Mom.

Every autumn to see the foliage turn.

Everybody, take it easy.

Everyone speaking English and no drugs and no AIDS.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me...

Fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust.

Fat, insecure, middle aged thing!

Feel my pulse. Am I all right?

First, get your pinky down. It's up again.

Fisher Island. Such a lovely spot.

For reasons that I cannot...

For the first time.

Forget about my suffering. It's just about your show.

Forgive me for being so late, but traffic was unbelievable!

From that day on, they looked for a cemetery they really loved

Fuck it! It's one night. I can live through it.

Fuck!

Georgia.

Get buried in Palm Beach,

Get the goddamn pinky down! Make your fingers like iron. Stop trembling!

Give me some candy, Louise.

Go ahead, hit me. Go on.

Go ahead.

Go away. I hate you! I never want to see you again.

Go inside. I'll tape a note to Katharine to the door.

Go on, hit me.

Go right in.

Go upstairs. Try to get her ready. I'll be right up. Go!

God bless you.

God, this is a nightmare.

God, what a mess.

Goldman.

Good evening. I am Spartacus, the Goldmans' butler.

Good evening. May I take your purse, as usual? Or...

Good God. That sounds like it's coming from downstairs.

Good morning.

Goodbye, Armand.

Goodbye, Armand.

Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour

Greece?

Greek boys, actually. Naked Greek boys.

Half of the club?

Hang on.

Happy I am that I can do this for you.

Have the chauffeur pick me up by the orchard.

Having contact between the generations.

He always dressed like this. He killed himself at 30.

He can't do that while I'm singing!

He didn't make an entrée.

He died and left me everything.

He died in bed? Whose bed?

He has a very distinctive walk.

He just sounds so much like a mother.

He must be exhausted, poor baby. You should have told me he was coming.

He snuck out to meet with his advisors. They wouldn't come here.

He tells that beige savage what to do.

He won't embarrass me.

He's a brilliant chef. He just has a lot to learn about serving.

He's a man. They're both men.

He's fine. He wants to get married.

He's getting married, no matter what we say. The less said, the better.

He's just a baby. He'll ruin his life!

He's not terrible in that way. He won't get mixed up in some scandal.

He's running for re election. And she told him...

Hear, hear! It's so nice to meet people like you.

Hello, Albie.

Hello, Barbara.

Hello, Ben.

Hello! I'm home! I forgot my key.

Hello? A career? When you gonna let me audition for you again?

Hello. Katharine Archer, please. It's Armand Goldman.

Hello. She's gone, Mr. Goldman. But she always checks in.

Hello. What do you think?

Here I am.

Here we go.

Here we go. Champagne for everyone.

Here.

Here's to your future.

Hey, hey!

Hey.

Hold the knife boldly, with strength.

Honey, please. You got to get dressed for me.

How 'bout just your stockings, okay?

How about those Dolphins?

How about those Dolphins?

How adorable. She's shy.

How could you put out bowls without looking at them?!

How dare you eavesdrop?!

How do they get them on so quickly?

How do you think I feel? Betrayed. Bewildered.

How I love the sun.

How many mothers does he have?

How nice.

How unavailable, and what a body.

How was your trip, Senator?

How's the leg? My father has an old football injury.

Howdy, ma'am.

Hurry, you idiot! They're looking at the bowls.

I am, as are all my colleagues,

I bought them for Armand, but...

I broke my glass. I'm sorry.

I came through the orchard, over the barn.

I can see the headline: "Senator Jackson

I can't talk about this now.

I can't. And I won't.

I could play it straight.

I could really use some candy!

I couldn't find your glasses. Maybe they're in the car.

I did! I'm a wreck. This thing is all anyone can talk about.

I didn't have time to wax.

I didn't want to tell you over the phone.

I didn't want you to get hurt.

I don't believe it! You're shaving your chest now?

I don't believe it. It's been 100 years. Where are you?

I don't believe it. It's been 100 years. Where are you?

I don't care who he is. I don't want to be someone else.

I don't even know who you are! All you think about is your career.

I don't have one on me. Is tomorrow okay?

I don't know about Jonathan Swift, but I know one thing about your mother.

I don't know if he'll come out.

I don't know. They so stupid. They want me to have a career.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I don't want him to see me. I'm hideous!

I don't want to embarrass this lovely lady,

I feel bloated.

I gave Agador the night off.

I got backed off on a little bit.

I got it from the antique store next door. Too butch?

I got so much to do.

I got Val for it. It was a fair trade.

I gotta fire this woman.

I had so much to do. You give me no time to shop!

I have a barrette. If you don't move your head, it might work.

I have a good feeling about you people.

I have job offers, I know what I want. And I have an incredible role model.

I have mine. Here.

I have no idea.

I have the palimony papers.

I have to give my all. Everyone else can just "get through it." He's chewing gum.

I have to go back before they get to the bottom of the bowls.

I have to understand every nuance of a song.

I have two words for you: Green Card.

I just had the walls sponge painted, Val.

I just wanted so much to help you.

I knew white would make me look fat.

I knew you would.

I know just what's going on.

I know there was something on those bowls.

I know, but...

I know, honey. It's gonna pass.

I know, I know, if you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too.

I know. That's why I'm packing light.

I look like my grandfather in this suit.

I may have something to celebrate myself very soon.

I may need glasses, but I can see that.

I may not be as vulnerable as Mrs. Coleman...

I mean, that dinner.

I mean, those haircuts, those uniforms, who cares?!

I nearly died. I walk into my room and there's a woman in my bed!

I need a doctor.

I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.

I normally drink vegetable juice during business hours, but for this...

I only drink red.

I only drink red.

I paid the doorman 20 dollars.

I really must see you now.

I saw that.

I see.

I see. So we need a total redecoration, so we can be more like other people.

I sense it.

I sense it.

I shaved it for the show. I wanted to look young.

I should be there in half an hour.

I shouldn't have let him go. How will he get back in?

I think I would like to hug you, Mrs. Coleman.

I think it was. I was just so caught up.

I think we should go to South Beach. We should have dinner...

I think we're skirting an issue here that has Mr. Coleman very nervous.

I think you're all crazy.

I thought my secretary got it wrong.

I thought you were visiting your parents in Palm Beach.

I took off all my rings.

I understand. Just while people are here.

I want a palimony agreement, now.

I want that nice Armani break in the front.

I wanted to get fillet mignons, but they're so expensive.

I wanted to make him turn.

I was adorable once, young and full of hope.

I was going to say liberal, but he's dark, too.

I was, like, "Will you marry me?"

I will go on. The people have come to see Starina.

I woke up feeling so good.

I won't stay where I'm not wanted.

I wonder if he's old money. I mean, a cultural attaché.

I wonder if they're related to Tish and Bobo Coleman.

I would have if you hadn't said his name.

I would have liked to have had you as my family.

I would have picked up, but I was so interested

I would not have been so sassy to you.

I...

I'll be right down.

I'll be there in five minutes.

I'll explain in the car. Come on, Barbara. Let's go.

I'll finish pouring. Go take care of dinner.

I'll get it.

I'll just try this sample.

I'll say, "Albert, you must go away for a few days."

I'm 50 years old.

I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky.

I'm afraid I am a bit naïve.

I'm even more obvious, aren't you?

I'm glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole. Dole is just too...

I'm glad you cut your hair.

I'm going after fucking Albert.

I'm going down the ladder. I can't face the press.

I'm going to put him on. Yes. Take it.

I'm gonna put this here for you.

I'm having such a wonderful time.

I'm in the car and I got a message telling me not to come.

I'm just... a "guy."

I'm kidding.

I'm leaving you my stereo...

I'm not coming.

I'm not exactly maternal.

I'm not religious and I'm *******.

I'm not saying anything. I promised your father.

I'm not sure. Take it from the top.

I'm obvious?

I'm only here to get my toothbrush.

I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am.

I'm so ashamed of how I acted. But how could I know?

I'm so happy to meet you at last.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so sorry, Val.

I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything!

I'm sorry to laugh at Miss Albert, but what is that hairdo?

I'm sorry, I couldn't stop him.

I'm still with you because you make me laugh.

I'm stuck in traffic.

I'm sure that's not it.

I'm switching to white because red has tannins.

I'm the only guy in my fraternity who isn't from a broken home.

I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order.

I'm very maternal.

I've done everything I could to make myself attractive for you.

I've lost and gained over a hundred pounds in the last year.

I've made your mother cry. I'm up for re election.

I've never danced with a man before.

I've never had so much go so wrong so quickly.

I've thought about you so many times.

I've yo yoed from a 16 to a 10 to a 16, and...

If he's so terrible, maybe your daughter shouldn't marry his son!

If not for the Pirin tablets, I couldn't go on.

Imelda, cancel my appointments for tonight.

In that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.

In this incredible country of ours.

Instead of eating tofu.

Irish peasants feed their babies to the rich.

Is he?

Is it all right, Dad?

Is it Greek?

Is someone else home?

Is that Goldman?

Is that like Palm Beach?

Is this Val?

Is Val still asleep?

Is with the National Enquirer. Harry Radman.

Isn't the "D" silent?

Isn't this wonderful? All of us together.

It is pronounced Coleman, isn't it? We've had some confusion.

It just breaks my heart. They don't make woman like that anymore.

It looks like young men playing leapfrog.

It says I have the right to give you half of everything I own.

It was a long trip, though. Virginia, Kentucky,

It was my mother. I couldn't tell her not to come.

It was nice talking to you. We'll talk again soon.

It was so funny.

It was so weird.

It was to express moral, rather than political, views.

It was wonderful.

It wasn't that good.

It would be an affirmation! We could get the Pope's blessing. It's not hard.

It would mean everything to me if you would help us.

It'll be better without an uncle.

It's a cliché, but it's an image. John Wayne.

It's a dinner party, let's work with food.

It's a girl. I met her at school.

It's all right, my darling.

It's all right.

It's all right. I always dreamed you would. Just not so soon.

It's close. It's about two minutes from where Jeb Bush lives.

It's Cole d'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man in France

It's different now. You're a man.

It's early.

It's everything.

It's just dazzling along I 75.

It's much nicer this way, much more masculine.

It's not a chateau, but it's a darn good place to call home.

It's not the end of your life.

It's not! You always think the worst.

It's nothing. It's painful...

It's okay! We're all right!

It's ours.

It's really very simple. Armand and I...

It's safer, if something happens to one of us.

It's so odd to me, this fuss over school prayer.

It's the oldest story in the world.

It's the palimony agreement. I told you I had it.

It's the perfect platform.

It's the shoes.

It's their only real currency.

It's this thing with Jackson.

It's this wonderful... Are you upset?

It's true. You're not young and you're not new,

It's very unfair of you to try to talk Val into this. He has every reason...

It's what they read.

Jackson's last words, "Your money's on the dresser, Chocolate" were racist.

Join Jay on The Tonight Show

Just because you're 22 and hung...

Just breathe. Let it go.

Just dazzling.

Just fantastic.

Just head for the door. We'll be out of here soon.

Just like those two adorable youngsters.

Just make it a bit more like other people's homes.

Just now on the phone?

Just one, okay? One before the show,

Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.

Just put your shoes on!

Just sit!

Just sit!

Just the crucifix,

Katharine Goldman. Delighted to meet you. I'm sorry I'm so late...

Katie Archer. Or is it Mrs. Something?

Keeley's house last night. The fat guy,

Kevin, no!

Kevin, nothing has changed. It's still me.

Kevin, please, let's charter a plane.

Kevin, you're rambling.

Kevin? There may be a solution.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only,

Lady, not for a million dollars.

Leave room for coffee.

Let go of my coat. I'll meet you in the car.

Let me explain.

Let me give you an image.

Let me tell you why.

Let me touch it.

Let's check it out.

Let's drink a toast to this catastrophe.

Let's give her half an hour and then if she isn't...

Let's just forget the whole thing.

Let's just get through it.

Let's leave her. Come on.

Let's see what these Greeks are doing.

Listen, I don't want you to go.

Lives above it, owns the building and he's gay.

Look at this.

Look at your pinky, your posture.

Look how it glitters in that thick, black nest of hair.

Look, it comes with accessories.

Look, it's not just one or two things, okay?

Los Copa? There isn't anything in Los Copa but a cemetery.

Louise, people in this country don't care about details.

Love and optimism versus cynicism and sex!

Married? How old is he?

Married? You're not even 18!

May I see you a moment, dear?

Maybe I'm just an old fashioned girl,

Maybe it is a bit much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit.

Maybe it is a bit much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit.

Mazel tov.

Me, too. And my father is

Me, too. Bye bye.

Meet me in 20 minutes at the corner of El Dorado and Palm.

Merde! Have Carmen get ready to do Starina's number, just in case.

Miss Albert, wait! Don't!

Miss Porter, page two,

Mom, I have something to tell you about Val's parents.

Mon congrats, you sweeties.

Monastery.

More for me, Dad.

More ice for you.

Mother is just following a train of thought to its logical

Mr. And Mrs. Armand Coleman of Greece and South Beach.

Mrs. Coleman is just very vulnerable.

Mrs. Keeley over there, and the Senator on my right.

My ankle. I don't think I can make it upstairs.

My arm. I hate it when you get hysterical.

My baby.

My cemetery is in Key Biscayne.

My family and I are leaving town for a few days,

My father owns the club downstairs. My mother is the star.

My father was the shaman of his tribe,

My God, 20 years.

My God, that beard!

My God! Are you crazy? What are you doing?

My goodness, it's very fast. Let's get you out of the sun.

My Guatemalanness. My natural heat.

My heart is breaking.

My men!

My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island,"

My mother was the high priestess.

My mother won't be here for another 15 minutes.

My mother?

My parents lived on Fisher Island until they died.

My poor, devoted Agador.

My uncle?

My wife and I used to go to Virginia

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Burning Candle.

Neptune? That's a classic.

Nice to meet you, Katharine.

Nice touch.

No fancy art on the walls.

No good?

No matter how many shirts I send him, he only wears this one.

No one will dance with me. It's this dress.

No, Agador.

No, he's too liberal.

No, I'll come up with you. I'm sure there's a waiting room.

No, it isn't. Just breathe.

No, it really was.

No, it's fine.

No, it's his town car. I am looking at it.

No, it's something else. Something about the father and the butler.

No, no!

No, no. Of course not. And neither does she. But...

No, straighten it, then tighten it.

No, thank you, Mr. Lopez. Not today. The piglet is home.

No, that was a mistake. He said not to come late. I was there.

No, they're waiting for that. They'd be recognized.

No!

No! Goodness, no. He's a cultural attaché to Greece.

No! I don't want to go out there alone!

No! It will never pass. I hate my life.

No.

No. 20 years ago, she was a young girl, scared, broke. Now...

No. And he isn't married to a housewife.

No. He's conservative, like half of America is conservative.

No. I'm between husbands. Sit down.

No. I'm gonna look like a fag.

No. Just don't walk unless you have to.

No. Let's hear it. I have to get back to rehearsal.

No. We can't get out of the car. Once we get out of the car, we'll be spotted.

No. You do an eclectic celebration of the dance!

Not a lot of clever books on the shelves,

Not Carmen! How dare you?

Not one hint of encouragement, not one scrap of validation.

Not without a miracle.

Nothing.

Now go! And leave the front door unlocked.

Now just get off your horse and head into the saloon.

Now there are 150 people out there, half of them Kennedys, waiting for you.

Now, all of a sudden, I feel...

Now, all of a sudden, I feel...

Now, look at me. I'm this short,

Now, Mother, you know we live above a nightclub.

Of course it does.

Of course, Armand is much more sophisticated than I am.

Of course. There's no need to get hysterical.

Of course. Variety, the Arts and Leisure section of the Times...

Oh, Armand. Really?

Oh, God! Couldn't we start with someone easier?

Oh, God! Has he been tested?

Oh, God.

Oh, God...

Oh, my dear child. Welcome.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Armand?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was feeling so good, and now...

Oh, no! Oh, but...

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Really?

Oh, please,

Oh, please. Look at you, at how you hold your glass.

Oh, please. You're just as worried about my career as I am.

Oh, shit.

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, that.

Oh, Vallie! Oh, my God, this is such a shock.

Oh, Vallie! Oh, my God, this is such a shock.

Oh, well...

Oh, yeah. My God, he's put on so much weight since the Simpson case.

Oh, yes. Another gibe, another joke at my expense.

Oh, yes. Coleman.

Okay, let's go.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Straighten, tighten.

On a day like this? I'll buy you anything you want.

One kiss, darling.

Or any other night.

Or are you too grown up for that now?

Or I'm just some cheap drag queen trying to get laughs.

Our house is a sea of papers. You men.

Our kind of people.

Over there? Okay, thanks.

Penmanship award.

Pennsylvania's nice, too.

People will notice if I'm never seen again.

Perdóname.

Perfect.

Perhaps one more schnecken. Do you mind? When the schnecken beckons...

Pleasant vacation house. I like its severity.

Please do. Explain to all of us.

Please don't cry. It's okay. You can stay.

Please hurry. This place has to look respectable by six.

Please, come... come in.

Please! You gotta help me a little.

Please.

Pop, I know I'm young.

Pop.

Put Katharine's note on the downstairs door.

Put on the mambo number. Have Beatrice and Dante get the staircase ready.

Put the moose on the patio.

React like a man, calmly.

Read it.

Ready for what?

Really?

Really?

Really? Barbara, get me my glasses, dear.

Red leaves, purple mountains...

Republican and Democrat, liberal and conservative alike,

Right away, Señor Goldman.

Right away, Señor Goldman.

Right. We gotta get rid of everything that's over the top.

Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.

Screaming queen?

See, the swelling's already gone down. It's nothing.

See?

Senator Jackson's demise has made us all... feel.

Senator Jackson's last words tonight on Inside Edition.

Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley,

Senator Keeley...

Senator, will this cost you votes?

Shall we have our coffee in the living room?

She called you Mother Coleman.

She had to. He founded the Coalition for Moral Order.

She was like, "Didn't you say no way before 30?"

She's a modern woman, tough as nails.

She's a passionate woman who follows her heart. And I love her.