Saving Silverman Edit

A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.

A bizarre incident last night. Local resident, Judith Fessbeggler,

A delusional projection fantasy.

A nun? Well, that explains it.

A self defeating personality disorder.

Abe, pull your pants up or no more Matlock.

Absolutely.

Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.

Actually, until yesterday I was training to become a nun.

Admit it!

After Luigi died, I knew I would never love again.

After that I decided no more tough guys.

Ah, I knew it!

Ah, there's the duck.

Ah!

All right! Yeah!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Okay, I'll do it.

All they want from you is your man juice.

All you have to do is turn it into reality.

All you, all you. All you, 11.

ALL: ♪ Cherry, baby, ♪ ♪ she got the way to groove me ♪

ALL: Judith. Judith he's gonna be miserable.

ALL: Right. I believe in happy endings.

Alright! Come on!

Although I will admit there's something sexy about a man who takes charge.

And a beer bong for the lady?

And a hooker. Oh.

And compete in a kickboxing tournament.

And Darren loves Sandy, no matter what he says. Definitely.

And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets. Right.

And fix the problem! Definitely!

And have ignored all the tell tale signs.

And he's cheatin' on you.

And he's gettin' ma…

And he's not very bright.

And he's playin' the forum in two weeks. Yeah.

And helped me realize I was gay, and the next thing…

And her brother was the dogfaced boy.

And I became a t****ze artist.

And I probably look like a really…

And I ran over him.

And I'd have to decide soon because…

And I'll have another beer.

And I'm not quitting the band.

And if Neil Diamond has anything to do with it,

And in unrelated news, the body of deceased local resident Joan Snerd

And it seems like maybe it's time

And Judith Fessbeggler in holy matrimony.

And look, I can deal with this. Okay?

And no foul play is suspected.

And only?

And Sandy.

And she's either killed herself or become a lesbian.

And strong, too. You used to be able to lift me up over your head.

And tapes and naked pictures.

And that one day we'd be together again.

And the best damn mascot Wheaton High School ever had.

And the entire time,

And the salsa bath. That was bad.

And they fed me, like,

And they were throwin' out some old food so, you know,

And this graph should illustrate our point. Look.

And this is Darren.

And this squirrel ran out in the street.

And this…

And totally stole it from him while he was takin' a whiz.

And treated like a friggin' farm animal!

And we kidnapped her.

And you're the hardcore bitch that I've always dreamed of.

Any man at all?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you saying you want to have sex?

Are you sure?

As long as Judith's alive, I'll never give up on her.

At parties, you were always the designated driver.

Attendant. That's okay.

Aw, man, you broke up.

Awesome. Yeah, bye! Bye.

Back off.

Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.

Be cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him. Okay.

Beat it, baldy.

Because I, um… Because what?

Because I… I, um… Why, Darren?

Because we're gonna kill you, right?

Because you're in charge of guarding Judith.

Because you're not killers.

Before I met Darren, I was…

Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high, 93.

Before you know it, you're limp.

Best friends since fifth grade.

Big balls.

Bingo.

Bingo.

BOTH: ♪ It's good to need you so

BOTH: ♪ She got the way ♪ ♪ to groove me ♪

BOTH: ♪ When I hear you say ♪

BOTH: Come on! Yeah! Ha!

BOTH: If you can dream it, you can do it.

BOTH: Two, three, four.

Break up with her.

Brett is a tax attorney, and Clayton's a CPA.

Bull…

But after I graduated, I went and I joined my parents in the circus.

But after we let Judith go,

But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself.

But he was completely vain.

But he's America's greatest songwriter, and he's our hero.

But I,

But I'm not dropping Wayne and J.D.,

But I've just been so happy spending time with Judith.

But it doesn't look good.

But it was great seein' ya, all right?

But look now. Two.

But now we're all grown up.

But now, let me explain.

But that doesn't mean that we can't pleasure each other in other ways.

But this story isn't about Neil.

But tomorrow's casual Friday.

But we're prepared to buy you off.

But we're willing

But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible.

But when we let her go,

But you gotta help us get them back together.

But, once you take your final vows,

But, um, but you can't go,

But, up until right now, they've only been words.

By the power vested in me by the state of Washington,

By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch

Bye, Darren!

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties?

Can't you see I'm in mourning?

Careened off a cliff into a rocky gorge.

Careful, sonny.

Check it out.

Check this out. I think you got taken.

CHEERLEADERS: When you're up against the Warbird,

CHILDREN: Ooh!

Coach, do you think after you get out of prison

Coach, look out!

COACH: Yee ha! Charge!

Come here. Hey there.

Come on Neil, turn on your heart light.

Come on, boys. Let's go!

Come on, Coach. We need your help.

Come on, come on. Go. Come on.

Come on, move. Thanks, Coach.

Come on! Sing it! Sing it!

Come on! Yeah, ha!

Come on! Yeah, ha!

Come on. Let's go, okay?

Come on. Move it! Ha, ha!

Come on. No, they're… they're not that…

Come on. We need you for this one!

Come on. We're sorry, okay?

Come on…

Come on…

Come on…

Congrats. What are you gonna do now?

Congratulations. Thank you.

Cops! Caprice. Five cars back.

Copy that. I'm not gonna make the (IMITATES STATIC)

Could we go to Happy Burger?

Counseling? Yeah, yeah.

CROWD: Oh!

Crushed potato chips under the door.

Damien. Dude, she's Vader.

Damn it!

Damn, he's good.

Damn!

Damn. That was my favorite jacket.

Darren doesn't have a tattoo.

Darren, stop!

Darren, what happened to you?

DARREN: "Darren, I'm leaving you. We're finished. Done.

DARREN: Before I could muster the courage to ask her out, she moved away.

DARREN: In the red? Oh.

DARREN: It's midnight. Know what that means?

DARREN: Judith?

DARREN: Oh, Sandy.

DARREN: Oh!

DARREN: Remember her?

DARREN: Wayne!

DARREN: Wow. Wow.

Darren!

Darren! Darren! Are you okay?

Darren! Sorry. Darren, look, uh…

Darren.

Darren. Darren, Darren, Darren. What's going on?

Darren. Hi.

Darren. My, uh…

Darren's her boyfriend, but he's got this other girlfriend,

Darren's our friend, Brett.

Dead leg.

Did you get me anything?

Did you know J.D. McNugent?

Do the Navy SEALs signals. Come on.

Do you guys think there's anything weird about these photos?

Do you have any money?

Does that include celebrities?

Does this couch fold out? Mmm.

Don't look back!

Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges.

Don't think that my presence here means I've forgiven you.

Don't worry about a thing, boys. I'll take care of that broad.

Don't worry about it. I'll get you out of there.

Don't!

Don't! Don't! Stop it!

Don't… Don't… Don't leave.

Dude, besides ruining the band, what else has she done?

Dude, Darren. Check it out, chewy.

Dude, how?

Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.

Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute. Really?

Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

Dude, that…

Dude, there was nothin' I could do.

Dude, wait. Why me?

Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway?

Dude, you don't have to do the…

Dude, you don't want a chick who would do a mime.

Dude! Dude!

Dude. Dude.

Dude. Okay. I deserved that.

Dude. Sorry.

Dude…

Durr!

Eat this, fake Wayne!

Either way, that's nice of you.

Enjoy.

Everything was perfect, until…

Exactly!

Excuse me. Can you give the lady a scotch,

Excuse me. Hey.

Figure out my next move. I knew I could count on you boys.

Five oh! What?

Fooled me. Okay, my name is Brett, and this is Clayton.

For God sakes, Wayne.

Forget it. I want you to meet two exciting people.

Forgiveness is just sort of my thing.

Freeze! Freeze! Don't move!

Gaw…

Get downstairs!

Get me something. Yeah.

Get out of here!

Get the hell out of here.

Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut, hut!

Girls, never very high, at nine,

Give her the old sweep a roo.

Give it a little key, little key…

Go chop her head off or somethin'!

Go left! I'm goin' right!

Go, my child.

Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!

Go.

God damn it!

God, uh, I will never mention Judith's name again, really.

God!

God!

God! I'm so inconsiderate, I'm sorry.

Goddamn heat. One little prison break and they're all over you.

Goddamn these chains!

Goddamnit!

Good job. Yeah.

Good mornin'.

Good. How'd you do it?

Got it?

Got you a little something.

Great!

Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump.

Great. Look, I wanted to talk to you about Darren Silverman.

Great. Now we can't let her go.

Great. We're in.

Guess who I bumped into today?

Happy? You didn't have to do that.

Have fun.

Have you considered therapy?

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man?

Have you ever had a girlfriend? Yes.

Having these things on my nipples, okay?

He can't be here 'cause we're gettin' laid.

He didn't die right then, but he was limpin' and stuff.

He doesn't look like much, but girls call him the human power tool.

He even writes poems about you.

He launched it. All right, touchdown!

He lied.

He was a big influence in our lives. He taught us many things.

He was a great t****ze artist,

He's a really good guy. Ah.

He's gonna marry the wrong woman.

He's lactose intolerant.

He's my puppet, and I'm his puppet master.

He's sick. He's perverted.

He's smart. He's sensitive. I don't care.

He's the romantic.

Healy! You fairy wimp fruit bag!

Hello, ladies.

Hello! Hey, Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D.

Hello. Hello. I "ruv" you.

Help me, Wayne!

Help!

Her dad was the strong man.

Her family was with the circus.

Her mom was the bearded lady.

Here's what's gonna happen.

Here's your drink. Where's the lemon wedge?

Here's your ferocious beast.

Hey,

Hey, baby.

Hey, check it out.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

Hey, guys! Guys… Guys, I'm in!

Hey, hey.

Hey, it's Wayne.

Hey, Judith, can I give you the grand tour? Uh, sure.

Hey, Judith. How's it goin'?

Hey, so you're causin' all this trouble, huh?

Hey, they're just havin' a drink together.

Hey, uh, I'm Darren.

Hey, uh, would you excuse me for just a moment?

Hey, we're comin' to America.

Hey, what the hell happened?

Hey, you strike me as a pretty responsible guy.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Come on. Come on…

Hey! Hey.

Hey! I win. You lose. Now get out.

Hey! Stop!

Hey! This isn't over yet!

Hey! Wha…

Hey! Why can't you just admit

Hey! Yes!

Hey.

Hey. Hey! What are you doin'?

Hey. I really appreciate you taking care of me.

Hey. Mimes don't talk.

Hi, Coach. Coach! What are you doin' here?

Hi, officers. You're safe.

Hi!

Hi! I'm Wayne.

Hi.

Hi. Hey, hi.

Hi. Hey, Sandy!

Hi. Hi, yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Is, uh, Darren here?

Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

High school, remember? You remember?

Hike!

His idea of a fun weekend was to fly to Thailand

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Yeah, and then you found Darren.

Hold on! And did I mention I was gay?

Hold your goddamn horses.

How about this? We tell him we've got dates tonight.

How am I gonna eat? I thought of that.

How is that related?

How short?

How'd she do that?

Huh?

Huh. Yeah, and anyway, it's too late

Hurry up! Come on!

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

I always knew I was different, and now I know why!

I am not a slut.

I am so sorry. Don't be.

I brought you some more videos.

I can put 'em on your balls.

I can't because I…

I can't believe I got blown off again.

I can't! God!

I can't… Just hang on.

I come here all the time, and I spend a lot of money in this place.

I could've been free.

I didn't even know that you were religious.

I didn't even talk to her.

I do! ALL: What?

I don't believe in premarital sex.

I don't know what it is, but it sounds big.

I don't know.

I don't know. I guess I'd dump him?

I don't need it, because we're…

I don't need… I prefer… I got it. It's no trouble.

I don't think I'm comfortable

I don't think so. Maybe she got kidnapped.

I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren.

I don't want your old house or your dead grandmother.

I go two hours, three times a week.

I got her!

I got her!

I got some of that.

I got three balls.

I gotta say it turned me on.

I have here two ordinary metal rings.

I have something really important to tell you guys.

I have to get home and heat the wax.

I hope it doesn't freak you out.

I just can't figure out why Judith left.

I just gotta get my helmet.

I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren.

I just… I wasn't thinking, and, um…

I killed a man once. Oh, really?

I know you're upset. I… I do,

I know, 'cause I was there.

I know.

I love catching up with old high school friends.

I love Neil and

I love Sandy.

I love this jacket!

I love you too, Judith.

I love you, Darren.

I love you! I love you.

I love you. Really?

I mean, I did pledge.

I mean, Sandy. I mean.

I missed her.

I never knew that.

I never thought I'd say this to anyone after Luigi died, but…

I now pronounce you man and man.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

I only have a minute. I have to get back and wax Judith's legs.

I only know the Air Force signals.

I own him. He does whatever I say.

I play croquet out there!

I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish…

I really don't want to do this.

I remember in high school, you were really into helping people.

I saw Judith.

I should go.

I spilled a drink, and the paint ran, and everyone could see my dong.

I suggested that.

I suppose.

I swear. I swear.

I think he left his Vespa helmet.

I think he'd make a wonderful husband. I don't want to meet him.

I think Wayne was tryin' to set us up on a date.

I think… I mean, you're…

I thought his ass looked tighter.

I thought you were dead.

I thought, why not?

I understand that you're really upset,

I wanna marry Judith.

I wanna party with you! I wanna party with you!

I want to thank you for comin' to my trial.

I want you to be laughin' like he just said somethin'…

I want you to get to know these guys.

I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I was beaten and tortured

I was engaged to a guy like that.

I was lighting farts with a Bunsen burner, and I singed my ball sack?

I was the guy who went to the prom with the tuxedo painted on my naked body.

I was wondering, maybe do you want to grab a drink with me?

I was wondering.

I was, uh… You poor thing.

I… I just wanted to tell you guys, in person,

I'd rather be cut down in a hail of gunfire

I'd rather not cheapen what we have together.

I'll help him. I'll help you with that.

I'll kill you.

I'll stand.

I'm a…

I'm back. I am back.

I'm chafing.

I'm comin'.

I'm Cowboy Wayne. I just bagged me one of them

I'm Darren.

I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy.

I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne.

I'm gay!

I'm going to listen to your conversation.

I'm gone for a week, and you're screwing a nun?

I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with… Shh!

I'm gonna keep lookin' down here, buddy.

I'm having some second thoughts about becoming a nun.

I'm having these feelings.

I'm here for you, okay? I'm here for you.

I'm hit. I need backup.

I'm hungry.

I'm in complete control of him.

I'm loyal to my friends.

I'm never gonna find the right girl.

I'm not a tramp!

I'm not eating that. I want a Big Montana. A what?

I'm not like that. I use magic.

I'm not supposed to tell ya.

I'm out of here. Darren!

I'm pretty sure he died right after that.

I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me.

I'm really sorry about hitting on you before, I…

I'm really sorry to bother you.

I'm so happy. Oh, me, too.

I'm sorry, I'm involved.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

I'm sorry. I should leave.

I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.

I'm taking my final vows on Sunday.

I'm the strong willed, assertive man that you need,

I'm training to become a nun.

I'm waiting for the right woman.

I'm with Sandy, but I can't stop talking about Judith.

I've spent my whole life writing songs about the healing power of love.

If anyone has any objections, speak now.

If I ever see either one of you near Darren again,

If this relationship is gonna get serious,

If you don't wanna eat what I made for you, then you can starve.

If you just agree not to see Darren.

If you say anything about Judith,

If you weren't a girl, I'd beat you up.

In a week I take my final vows.

In concert.

In fact, I think he loves you.

In the back of the closet.

In the history of t****ze,

Investigators have declared it an accident,

Is it dead?

Is that it? That everything?

Is there anything else you wanna tell me?

Isn't one and only like one…

It already does that. Out.

It did? Mmm hmm.

It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't matter whether we've killed anybody or not.

It doesn't ring a bell.

It doesn't seem like a friendship to me.

It is now an eight.

It makes this easier.

It seems like you're in love with Darren.

It sucks.

It was a living hell.

It was a talkative men's room… Mmm.

It was so horrible.

It was… It was great seeing you.

It'll give us a chance to get to know one another again.

It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D.

It's all gonna be okay.

It's all right.

It's been so long. Yes, it has.

It's best. Yeah.

It's crazy and… Yes!

It's gonna be just…

It's good seein' you boys.

It's interesting. I'm in a related field.

It's not her. It's… It's all women.

It's not like they're goin' steady or anything.

It's not over! No!

It's our six week anniversary.

It's our Sunday ritual, and I want you to be part of it.

It's pancakes, sausage, uh, hash brown, Pop Tart, pureed.

It's probably like, "Oh, oh, I'm a mime.

It's the lug nut. Fixed it.

It's the only way to save our friendship.

It's true.

It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life.

It's, uh, 10,000 apiece.

It's… It's nothing.

Ivy league?

J.D. AND WAYNE: Coach! Coach! Hey!

J.D. became the school mascot.

J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway.

J.D. McNugent, over and out.

J.D.: Dude? Dude!

J.D.: Go left!

J.D.: Go, go, go, go! SANDY: Bye, everybody!

J.D.: Hurry up. Let's go. WAYNE: Okay.

J.D.: I got it. Crowbar me.

J.D.: I see her!

J.D.: I'm gonna be on lookout. Shh! God.

J.D.: Ready!

Jail life is real tough. They're…

JD: ♪ Hey, what you say?

Judith brainwashed him. Darren was in love with me, but I never knew it.

Judith escaped!

Judith feels, and I think she's got a really good point here,

Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D.

Judith proposed to me. We're engaged.

Judith rules!

JUDITH: An outhouse. Clever.

JUDITH: Open up! I've been kidnapped!

Judith?

Judith? I had these things on my nipples…

Judith.

Judith.

Judith.

Judith's alive, and she is your fiancee.

Judith's dead.

Judith's out of control. We gotta do somethin'.

Judy, awesome to meet you.

Just a little while, huh?

Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough

Just cry. Okay.

Just get this sweet little gal to the man who loves her. Pronto!

Just give me one free hand, and I promise it'll be worth it.

Just give me the big bills.

Just have lunch with Sandy. What's it gonna hurt?

Just let it out. Everything's gonna be okay.

Just like that?

Just try to stop me.

Just wait one minute, okay?

Keep checking.

Kevin Beckley.

Kill her!

Kill her.

Killer goats that escaped from the zoo.

Know what, she's kind of like Mother Teresa.

Lefessier! Get out there!

Let it out now. There you go.

Let it out. Uh huh.

Let me guess.

Let me help you with her.

Let's dance. Okay?

Let's go, you maggots! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Let's go! Okay, where to? Where to?

Let's go. Go.

Let's just say I'm a friend of the boys, and I'm here to kill ya.

Let's start right here in the Hall O' Neil.

Like a nudist colony.

Like my obsession with Bette Midler.

Like what?

Like you kidnapping me. Mmm hmm.

Look into both our eyes at the same time and say it.

Look it. Look it.

Look, Darren's mine. There's nothing you can do about it.

Look, Mr. Diamond, you gotta help us save our buddy, Darren.

Look, Sandy and Darren, they broke up.

Look, so what are you gonna do?

Look, sometimes you have to make cold, rational decisions.

Look, there's a problem.

Look, we need your help. I'd do anything for you boys.

Look, you wanna be gay? Fine, no problem.

Look.

Look. We don't think she's right for you.

Looks like a Xerox.

Lose it!

Lost another one.

Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise.

Love. Love.

Luigi wanted to impress them.

Luigi!

Man, that is so romantic.

MAN: (ON P.A.) And now Luigi will attempt the most dangerous stunt

MAN: (ON P.A.) Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Luigi!

MAN: ♪ I believe in happy endings ♪

MAN: You're fired!

Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut.

Maybe she went someplace where she didn't need clothes,

Maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other.

Me neither.

Me, too!

Me, too.

Mmm, no. No, that's Darren, all right.

Mmm.

Mmm. Still can.

More or less.

My dad was droppin' me on my head.

My dear…

My friend said you wanted to meet me.

My grandma here?

My guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her.

My guess is… Three times a day?

My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart.

My house. Okay? Look.

My pleasure.

My preference for track lighting.

My rate is $200 an hour.

My water broke.

Nah, he'll never believe that. Oh, yeah.

Nah, that's all right. It's a little stuck.

Neil Diamond, Hot August Night, 1972.

NEIL DIAMOND: ♪ Sing, sing a song

Neil, hey! Where ya goin'?

Neil, I love you!

Neil, let me explain.

Neil! Neil! Neil!

Neil! Neil. Get to the part where we say, "I do."

Neil?

Never heard of such a person ever!

Nice meetin' you, Mr. Diamond.

Nice try, idiots.

Nice.

Nipples work. Okay.

No one bosses me around. Wayne's not the boss of me.

No problem, you want ice with that?

No touchdown! No touchdown! He's out of bounds!

No way!

No way. Judith's coming back.

No, but remember when I bought that book on yoga?

No, but she is in one deep coon coma.

No, Coach. Listen…

No, God, I'm fine.

No, I am! Sandy, wait!

No, I make decisions, too.

No, I'm gay.

No, it doesn't. Actually, I'm relieved.

No, Judith, please…

No, no, it's fine. Takes a little muscle.

No, no, no, no. Out of the blue,

No, no.

No, no. Definitely not.

No, no. No! Hey!

No, no. We're in love!

No, she, uh, won't be able to, 'cause you'll be wearing this.

No, that's fine.

No, why did you kidnap me?

No, you don't understand. I'm not hittin' on ya.

No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry.

No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women.

No, you're obviously not ready for this relationship.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No! Coach!

No! She's the Emperor!

No.

No.

No. I'm not gonna get you one.

No. No, come on. It's gonna be great.

No. No, no.

No. Okay, I'll do it for you.

No. This cost a lot of money.

No. What?

Nope. Coast is clear.

Not so good. Look at these.

Not to mention, I think you're suffering from

Now come on.

Now go on home and snuff her!

Now Judith is my one and only someone.

Now, come on… Hey!

Now, if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor,

Now, let's go bust out some power squats.

Now, let's go, go, go!

Now, you say that if Darren marries…

Now! Do her!

Now… (GRUNTS)

Number one, stay away from women.

Of course I do. Okay.

Of course not. I love a good challenge.