The Change-Up Edit

A brilliant attorney,

A fucking gun with a bullet to blow my head off with?

A game with him tonight, and...

A guy can only withstand so much.

A little bit of a coax, little bit of a tickle.

A little bit of a hiccup, but...

A little bit of a hiccup.

A little bit, though? No.

A little treat from Uncle Mitch.

A month? Yeah.

A sword or a spear.

A temporary rough patch right now.

A what? He's a Jedi Knight, sir.

Absolutely not. Thank you.

Absolutely, you two should go out.

Absolutely. I like that.

Action!

Action!

Actually,

Actually, if you must know,

After winning a full scholarship to Princeton,

AH right. You got any extra batteries?

Ah, that tickles.

Ahhh...

All Of it?

All right, come on! Just knock him the fuck out, go inside.

All right, fine, I'll do it.

All right, I don't know what's going on with you two dorks.

All right, let me kiss a shoulder first. Okay? Okay.

All right, let's do this.

All right, we fix it in post. Just keep rolling, keep rolling.

All right?

All right.

All right. In the kitchen.

All right. You remember though?

All righty, then. Have a good day.

All the accents are celadon.

All the senior staff is going to be at the mediation tomorrow.

All this food here, is it free?

Along with a necktie. Black, not white, socks.

Always call Jamie and ask her if she needs anything first.

Always solve my problems with violence.

Always solve your problems with violence.

Am I glad I came? It's like the greatest day of my life!

And a job, and a family.

And a second house, and more kids, and a nicer car

And a wind come in, blow out a candle. Finite. What do you think?

And anything that he thinks is going to make him happy.

And at the end of the day, do you know what you get?

And be happy, you know?

And boil my shoes.

And Cara got bullied in ballet class again.

And Cara has to start her homework.

And carry with them the full rights

And don't draw attention to yourself.

And drinking too much, and getting tattoos at 3:00 in the morning.

And enter Dimitri.

And everything on this planet is made out of atoms.

And have I ever steered you wrong?

And have you ever seen him act like he did yesterday?

And he still wants more and more

And he's amazing.

And he's not paying any attention to me.

And hit on all of our married friends, be mean to my grandma

And how are you this morning, little princess?

And I don't think that's ever going to change.

And I just fucking rushed it, didn't I? Wasn't I rushing?

And I just haven't had a moment to breathe.

And I just want him to pay attention to me.

And I just wanted to say sorry.

And I pre negotiated articles 23 through 29.

And I think that I want you to fuck me like you just got out of jail.

And I want him to grab me

And I want to hear everything.

And I want to prove to myself

And I want to sit and talk with you for an hour

And I want you to want to be here.

And I was going to sell dolphins on the black market.

And I will, and he will.

And I'd like to take a piss.

And I'd like you to come to the wedding.

And I'll be mediating your claim.

And I'll belt that out after I choke this down.

And I'll love it.

And I'm Dave. That's Dave. Yeah.

And I'm miserable. Oh, God.

And I've been working my ass off on that.

And in constant need of direction.

And it also came with this vintage Navajo pony blanket...

And it electrocuted your vagina.

And it gets so intense that my nose starts bleeding.

And it's like you always say,

And just in time for your partner review, no less.

And kiss me like he used to.

And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.

And maybe a little bit for me, you know?

And Miss Byers only put Angelica's poem up on the wall

And most importantly, I owe you a fix for the last five years.

And never deviate from the plan. Why?

And next time you see him, he's going to be slitting throats.

And now we're gonna have dinner. We're gonna make some scallops,

And responsibilities of the law

And sex with strange, new women.

And she didn't put my poem up on the wall.

And she shits like one, too.

And so he just keeps working

And that is our final offer, because we're leaving.

And that wasn't true.

And that's why he worked four jobs at once,

And the baby eating monster

And the last 15 years of my life, everything I've done, wasted!

And then I'll be so beaten down by life

And then into a good law school.

And then it's going to get ugly. This chick is a mess.

And then last night he told me

And then prepare two separate bottles.

And then these goddamn squids, these Japs,

And there's now the cutest little bald spot right there.

And this is all me. All of this shit is mine.

And those things, they don't sleep,

And to people

And to see the kids.

And told him that Pamela would like him

And turn the whole thing into a key party.

And valuates your company at $625 million.

And we always come second.

And we're gonna destroy that thing first thing in the morning. Okay?

And when they find it, we're going to switch back.

And why would she do that?

And you are lost in the damn desert!

And you come home at the end of the day

And you don't even have to go down on me because I know it's late.

And you got a beautiful house

And you got the opportunity to nail number one on your cancer list.

And you have to be totally honest with me.

And you know what she says to me?

And you know what? It'll be wonderful.

And you learn your lines.

And you make a ton of money.

And you promised me that you would clean out...

And you said he would force everyone to do Kamikaze shots,

And you should. Yeah.

And you're so fucking white hot, right? This body.

And you're surrounded by people who give a shit about you.

And your dick is firmly planted

And, "BTS," right there?

And, of course, underwear. Oh, come on.

Answer my phone.

Any and all agreements made during this mediation are binding

Any minute now,

Any word on the Amalgamated merger?

Anything I can get you? Vitamin water or Pellegrino?

Anyway, we start going at it

Anyway...

Appreciate it. All right, turn around.

April 17th. Next question, please.

Are there any outstanding questions we might address?

Are we role playing or something? Because we're late.

Are you breaking up with me?

Are you dating anyone?

Are you embarrassed of me?

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Are you fucking shitting me?

Are you glad you came now?

Are you going to call me?

Are you going to stay for dinner?

Are you having a stroke right now or something?

Are you jerking off?

Are you joking me? No, I'm not joking you.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you okay?

Are you saying the premium needs to be adjusted?

Are you still drunk?

Are you sure that's what you want?

Are you sure this is the address?

Are you the one in charge here?

Are you trying to poison the well?

Are you trying to tell me you've got a little surprise?

Arms up. Tall.

As per the MAC clause.

As stated in Federal Code 325 A, Section 4.

Ask me anything else.

Ask Tommy. Tommy!

Astronaut!

At the end of the day...

Attaboy!

Attaboy!

Attach electronic devices to your belt, whatever it takes.

Awesome!

Awesome.

Awesome. The deal went awesome.

Back to bed.

Back to bed. They're mine.

Bad! Bad!

Bang. Thank you, Mommy.

Banging out the terms of this deal.

Bathroom?

Be 15 minutes early for everything.

Be 15 minutes early for everything.

Beans, potatoes, carrots and broccoli

Because all Tatiana wants to do at 3:00 in the morning

Because he wanted a better life.

Because how can you stay married to somebody

Because I have this Spanish test, so...

Because I think that means that I'm the same as a piece of fruit

Because I'm not constantly stressed out.

Because if you don't come back hard on a bitch,

Because it shows that you're considerate,

Because it...

Because there's a lot on the line here.

Because there's more to being a lawyer than what you see on TV, Mitch.

Because we're so worried about what other people will think.

Because why not?

Because you are a brain damaged mule

Because... I have huge feet.

Before heading to the market,

Bingo! Nice! Let's go, this way!

Bingo! Who the fuck is this?

Boom!

Boot.

Boot. Take it off.

Bouncing titty shot. Bouncing titty shot.

Boy, it's a work day. Half an hour.

Boy, real tempting to kiss my own dick.

Braves Marlins. Please don't tell me that you forgot.

Breast milk?

Bring us two Macallan 25s, neat.

Bro?

Buddy, we talked about the head thing.

Buns and sa/ad and potatoes and chicken

But a Double Windsor?

But can we talk about that at another time?

But don't make a habit out of that, okay?

But from here on out, you are on an extremely short leash!

But he's...

But his family has always been the first thing in his heart.

But I like being offended, just usually after work.

But I think that we all know

But I think you're being sarcastic.

But I want him to be part of my life.

But I'll play. Yes, she'd be at the top of that list.

But I'm not any more.

But I'm really hoping that he didn't say anything to offend you.

But if she comes at me like a hurricane,

But it did happen once in college.

But maybe she can really turn a phrase. Let's eat.

But my mind is over here. That should count for something, right?

But my thumb went in three girls' assholes.

But quitting is not an option on this one, okay?

But she keeps on making out with you,

But she talks like a dock worker

But the problem is,

But things are not... Well, let's do it!

But were you pregnant last week?

But you left your phone in your purse.

Buy Angry Birds!

By all accounts, Dave was a sweet,

By the way, why didn't you invite me to your anniversary party?

Bye bye.

Bye.

Call me back.

Call your wife first.

Can anybody else field the fucking question?

Can I get confirmation that the EBITDA

Can I help you?

Can we please just slide the Dialogue Night again?

Can we please raise our Kamikaze shots

Can you change my oil?

Can you drive? Oh, yeah!

Can you leave that bottle alone, honey?

Can you look a little bit harder? That's incredible!

Can you put it down?

Can you shut this off?

Can you wake up, baby? I'm back, I'm back.

Cara, do try to stay on your toes.

Cara, honey, your poem, which I did not read,

Cara's talking to you.

Careful! Easy.

Careful.

Caught a few things. Yeah, just enough.

Cheating is when any part of your dick

Check this out, man.

Children are such a joy.

Come here, Dave.

Come here.

Come on, big guy.

Come on, buddy, open up the door immediately.

Come on, buddy, open up the door immediately.

Come on, buddy.

Come on, dude. Christ!

Come on, one more. Just make it tough.

Come on, open up the door, right now.

Come on, son. This is not the dog track.

Come on, you know what that is. What is that?

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. All right, I'll take one hit.

Come on. I barely hit him.

Come on. It would be weird if you didn't.

Come on. Really?

Come on. That's the mother of my children.

Come, on, Mitch! Those are my kids.

Congratulations, Dave.

Could you imagine an engraved sword?

Course, there's a song. Just sing the dinner song.

Dad, I smell a skunk.

Dad? Hello?

Dad.

Dad's very proud. Keep going.

Daddy needs a box set of Law & Order,

Daddy.

Damn.

Dave and Jamie!

Dave clerked for Justice Souter

Dave has three balls. A bouquet of balls.

Dave have a mimosa for breakfast? A little nervous?

Dave is a little bit of a pussy.

Dave is a little bit of a pussy.

Dave is at the country club. They made him partner.

Dave Lockwood.

Dave Lockwood.

Dave, /think there's a reason

Dave, amazingly, graduated in just three years.

Dave, come on. Open up the door, right now!

Dave, half an hour.

Dave, he was going to be an astronaut,

Dave, hurry up, open up the door!

Dave, you don't understand. I cannot do this.

Dave!

Dave! Yes. Dave is here.

Dave?

Dave? Hi, this is Dave Lockwood.

Dave? What?

Dave? Yep.

Dave. How are you?

Dave. Kidding.

Dave. We're trying to pull something off here, okay?

Dave. Yeah.

Dave's in the shower.

Dave's just acting really weird.

David Andrew Lockwood

David? Yep.

Dear God.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God

Defrost two bags of breast milk

Defrost two bags. Yup.

Devoted father.

Dialogue Night.

Did I fucking nail you?

Did the secretary hear?

Did we have some nightmares or something?

Did you do a lot of swimming in college?

Did you finish the day?

Did you forget something?

Did you have something you wanted to do today?

Did you hear me say it? Nope.

Did you hear the good news?

Did you know that atoms are smaller than a grain of sand?

Did you make me something special?

Did you tell Daddy?

Did you tell Daddy?

Did you tell Dave to shave his balls?

Didn't forget.

Diligent, hardworking little boy.

Dimitri was surprisingly gentle, and we were very safe.

Dimitri?

Dinner song

Dinner song

Dinner song.

Do everything in your power to desexualize yourself.

Do I have anything in my teeth?

Do not listen to him, Ted. He is beyond reckless.

Do what?

Do what?

Do you ever have any free time?

Do you feel any different? No, go again.

Do you have any idea how many Lamaze classes

Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what time it is? Mmm mmm.

Do you not understand what we're trying to accomplish here?

Do you remember how to do this?

Do you think they are going to give me a medal?

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Do you want a drink or something?

Do you want some ice cream?

Do you want to come to my dance recital?

Do you want to get some breakfast?

Do you want to hotbox this nut sack? No, no.

Don't act like you didn't tell him. I know it came from you.

Don't answer that. You bet she did.

Don't apologize. I apologize.

Don't be a bad influence on him.

Don't call me pumpkin, okay?

Don't even say that.

Don't ever call me again.

Don't fuck on the roof, though.

Don't move, I'll be right there.

Don't say... You can't say that.

Don't take this the wrong way.

Don't tell me to relax! You did this to me. I can't do it, okay?

Don't yell at me. I'm all locked up.

Don't you bail on me, David.

Dr. Klein lost the twins' immunization records.

Dr. Tillman said just once a week, for one hour.

Dress shoes, not shower sandals. Please. These are awful.

Dude, easy as fuck.

Early morning on the golf course, Lockwood?

Easy, motherfucker!

EBITDA is bad.

Even a shield would be good.

Every day with the Tuesday night! Well, it's a big goddamn deal!

Every married guy has a cancer list.

Everybody rich!

Everything's fine, dude. What's next?

Excellent, girls.

Except, the mediation is tomorrow,

Except... Except?

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Explain yourself!

Finding that fucking fountain.

Fine! I am proud of you.

Fine.

Fine. What is my favorite color, Dave?

First, attach the filter to the seal.

First, you got to fill out a formal information request.

First, you're going to tell me, how did the deal go?

Focus.

For a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell O cup.

For me, you go to my house, okay? All my info is on my fridge.

For once in your life, you got to see something through.

For the first time in your life,

For the record, I did not support that decision.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mitch Planko.

From the Atlanta Department of Parks.

Fuck it.

Fuck me, she's cute.

Fuck me! This must be my new mom.

Fuck me.

Fuck that noise. We are not quitting.

Fuck you with that... "Moron" is a bad word here.

Fuck you. Don't pull that shit on me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch.

Fucking 25 guys on this side. Can you fire at somebody else?

Fucking grocery store.

Fucking nice, Cara!

Fucking score!

Fucking terrible.

Fuel the jet, let's go.

Game on.

Game on.

Get out of my fucking way, or I'll drown you in your own goddamn tub!

Get the fuck out of the bed right now before I fucking cut you!

Get the merger documents from her,

Get them to the kitchen. Yup, hold on.

Gets me an extra inch,

Gets up inside some woman that's not your wife, okay?

Give all the girls breast exams and...

Give it to me, Steve!

Give me a hug, sweetie.

Go and do that? No.

Go fix your hair.

Go for Lockwood.

Go hose it out or something.

Go look in the mirror. Right there!

Go this way.

Go to a Korean nightclub, get a belly full of pills.

Go to my house, get dressed in my clothes.

Go to the fridge. Okay.

Go, boy!

Go! On bed.

God damn!

God, I am going to ruin her!

God, it's so good to be back!

God, last week, Tatiana, she comes over,

God, last week, Tatiana, she comes over,

God, look at that. Gorgeous!

God, you big bitch.

God, you're so lucky.

God!

God!

God! I can't do this! Why not?

Good for you.

Good idea.

Good morning, Lockwood.

Good morning, Mr. Steel.

Good morning, Patricia.

Good morning, Patty cakes.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good news.

Good night.

Good story.

Good to go? Oh, yeah.

Good, thank you.

Good?

Good.

Good.

Good. Great.

Good. It's good. We're taking things slow, but it's good.

Good. Just on my way to see Dave.

Good. So, it's closed?

Good. Thank you.

Good. Yeah.

Good. Yeah.

Goodbye. Kirk out.

Gosh, you're so light. Are you dieting?

Great idea.

Great visiting. You, too.

Great! Good!

Great? Great!

Great.

Great.

Guess what I'm looking at right now. A bong?

Guns hot?

Ha ha! Terrific!

Hang on, don't fall.

Hang on, guys.

Hang on, hang on, I got it.

Hang on.

Hang on. Don't get up.

Happening right in front of me.

Happy anniversary, Jamie and Dave!

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary.

Have a good scene. Places, everyone.

Have a nice steak dinner, do some dancing,

Have fun.

Have you listened to a single word I've said?

Have you? Mmm hmm.

He can just finally stop and see...

He didn't tell me you were a big, fat, fucking boner.

He excelled on all fronts,

He forgot me at the coffee shop

He forgot to pick up the twins from daycare.

He had nothing, and so he was always looking over the fence

He has never finished anything in his life.

He held my hand all night while we slept last night.

He just forgot.

He picks up something, he puts it down.

He totally did.

He's early.

He's flaccid. No gumption. No get up and go.

He's going to say, "Why the hell does

He's good at it for five minutes, and it's gone.

He's just doing weird stuff,

He's Mitch. I'm Mitch. Somehow we switched bodies.

He's not having an affair.

He's the best.

He's totally free, so he's going to meet you there.

Hello, there. Hey, man. What's up?

Hello! Did you shave your balls?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hi, Mitch. It's Tatiana.

Her name's Pamela? Yes.

Here comes the battement.

Here is the deal.

Here we go.

Here you go. Back to bed, sweetheart.

Here's the bottle you ordered, sir. Excellent.

Here's the deal. I got two screaming...

Here's the scene, okay? You going to enter with a gun...

Here's what's crazier, not using it.

Hey, buddy. I love you.

Hey, Daddy, which one do you like better?

Hey, fag, what are you doing here?

Hey, guess what? It's breakfast time.

Hey, hey! Oh! It's growing in so nicely.

Hey, hey! What the fuck?

Hey, how did it go?

Hey, man, hang on. What are you planning on telling her?

Hey, man!

Hey, man.

Hey, Mitch?

Hey, Mitch. Jamie, we need to talk.

Hey, motherfucker...

Hey, my precocious little daughter.

Hey, purchase some apps!

Hey, Sabrina.

Hey, sugarbug.

Hey, tell me about the big girl who knocked you over.

Hey, where is the fountain?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! You're married now, jackass.

Hey! You're married now, jackass.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. I always thought your wife was a nice lady,

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, Dimitri.

Hi, how are you? Nice weather today. He's totally fucking married.

Hi, Mitch Planko.

Hi, Mitch Planko.

Hi, Mom! Hi!

Hi, my little man.

Hi, Sabrina McKay.

Hi, sugarbug, come here.

Hi, Uncle Mitch. Hi! Wow!

Hi!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

His accomplishments could rest comfortably on an eyelash.

Hit the steering wheel. I'm going again!

Hmm?

Hmm. Weird.

Hold on, just a second. Foot Locker?

Hold on.

Hold on. What's with all the heavy breathing?

Hold up. What do you mean? Two days?

Holy fuck knuckles, I've got freckles on my taint.

Holy fuck knuckles!

Holy fuck knuckles.

Holy fuck!

Holy shit, we did.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Fuck!

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Honestly, I'd be happy with anything engraved.

Honestly, it's revolting.

Honey, things are changing, I promise.

Honey...

Honey... Sarah...

How about we just do what we always do?

How amazing is that?

How are the kids?

How are things going at home? Good?

How are we supposed to get this done?

How are you?

How are you? Good.

How awesome is that?

How can you lose a fountain?

How dare you tell him that?

How did I do? You're such a poet.

How did I miss this?

How do I look?

How do I... Here's what you do.

How do you like working with Dave?

How incredibly proud of you I am, son.

How is he?

How is yours down there?

How long have I been doing it here, huh?

How long have I worked here? You know that.

How long have you been shaved down there?

How long have you known Dave?

How long is it going to take State to approve it, then?

How many women have you fucked in your mind, huh? Thousands?

How much fun is it being an actor, working one week a year?

How much more do you think we can get out of them?

How was your sleep?

How would you like it if I told him

How?

How's my favorite ballerina doing?

How's that going with Dave?

Hudson loves the sinker. He's been crushing them all year.

Huh, what's going on? It is good to see you again.

Huh?

Huh? What PPS multiple are you using?

I always say that because it's true.

I always say that?

I am a many spotted skipperling man, all the way.

I am fucking all over that shit.

I am going to kill him.

I am not going to bail.

I am plowing the crap out of this chick around the corner,

I asked her out and she wouldn't go out with me,

I auditioned for a movie role, I got it.

I beg your pardon.

I bet she's number one on your cancer list, right?

I booked a major movie role this week.

I can do lawyer in my fucking sleep. Give me the keys.

I can do Monday night.

I can write you a note.

I can't believe I don't remember that.

I can't believe you'd come at me, guns hot.

I can't breathe. Take my hands off you.

I can't do that. I'm not doing it.

I can't do this shit any more.

I can't play.

I can't talk right now, Mitch. It's been so crazy here.

I can't. I got a super duper important conference call in 10 minutes.

I cannot believe I can't do this!

I come here every Saturday after yoga. What are you doing here?

I could see the baby's face.

I dabble in light porn.

I did? Yeah.

I didn't earn this.

I didn't hesitate.

I didn't know that about you.

I didn't read her poem, either. Do you want me to lie to her?

I didn't read the bitch's poem,

I didn't say that.

I do have an idea. Uh huh.

I do not know how much more of this shit...

I do smell like lemons.

I do. You have no idea.

I don't care where, but you find it inside of yourself, okay?

I don't care! You're going to stay here and do this right!

I don't care. Listen.

I don't feel like it.

I don't feel like singing it tonight.

I don't give a shit. We're gonna get our lives back.

I don't have that authority.

I don't have time for this!

I don't know what you're into, but just have some fun.

I don't know why you don't tell him yourself.

I don't know, guy, I just fill the hole.

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

I don't know. Can we try the no talking for just, like, three minutes?

I don't know. Is it Tuesday?

I don't see anybody headed for the door.

I don't talk like that.

I don't think I can do this.

I don't want to play your games.

I don't want you to quit your job.

I don't want you to. I like it.

I don't... Like, sixth grade.

I feel like I'm about to lose my virginity.

I feel pretty good about it.