Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight Edit

A relic... in the shape of a key.

According to the computer, Frank Brayker died over five years ago.

Actually, Sheriff...

Actually, sheriff...

Ah, come on! Get off me!

Ah, don't worry.

Ah, I love "scarnations."

Ah, the whole fan club is here.

Ain't a church no more.

Air bags, gotta love 'em. Did you see him?

All across the universe.

All covered with blood.

All right, I know what you're thinking.

All right, let's...

All right, this property...

All right?

All you had to do was give me the goddamn key!

All you have to do is let me in.

All you have to do is say yes.

Alright, let's see... What do I need to tell you?

And a "vaya con diablos" to you too, sir.

And after that, I got a few more jobs for you.

And anything that destroys their eyes. Frees their tortured souls.

And before, with the knife, I wasn't gonna hurt you.

And half her arm.

And he rips my name tag right off my shirt.

And He scattered the demons... and He scattered the keys...

And hold on to your vomit bags. We're going to the movies.

And I couldn't get all those stains out, either.

And I didn't... I didn't ask for this!

And I know my folks are gonna love you.

And I won't say what bits I'm talking about.

And I'll take care of dessert.

And if you stick with him, you're gonna end up the same way.

And like that's not bad enough...

And one day they find the seventh key here on earth.

And the concierge will bring up your bags momentarily.

And the earth was a formless void, and darkness covered the face of the deep.

And the sooner you figure that out, the better.

And then fix him some dinner.

And then he came with Bob and the sheriff.

And then you can get back to your business.

And there was light.

And they had seven keys formed into a circle...

And they want to kill us because of you? Who's going to protect us? You?

And when that night is over, you'll do what I just did.

And where the hell are you?

And you can give this lowlife what he deserves.

And you know what? It got me hot.

And you're really starting to piss me off!

Animals aren't immune. They can be possessed.

Another take like that and it'll be back to bit parts for you.

Anybody home? Come on out, everybody?

Are you telling me that guy over there walked out of here too?

As for me, I'm afraid I've got to hurry.

At least we're all in one piece.

Bad neck wound.

Be sure and kill Brayker.

Big fucking deal! I got hemorrhoids.

Big luggage to the back, please.

Bitch!

Bob, escort Mr. Brayker, or whatever his name is, out to the car.

Bob!

Boy, listen to that thunder.

Brayker can't even get himself out.

Brayker didn't have time to tell you everything.

Brayker, I can't do this. I'm not the right person for this shit!

Brayker, my cat is not possessed by some demon from hell.

Brayker, what the hell are those things? Demons or something?

Brayker!

Brayker! Wake up!

Brayker! You in here?

Brayker?

Breeze.

But here's your key.

But I mean it.

But I sure found something in the room down the hall.

But I... can make exceptions.

But I'm sure you didn't come here for a view, did you?

But the darkness wasn't empty.

But, if it'll make you feel any better, you can shoot their ashes.

By the time your race finds out what happened...

Call it in, Bob.

Can I ask you something?

Can I have it?

Care to see what I've been working on?

Check this out.

Cleo!

Cleo! Come on, baby.

Cleo! Hi, baby.

Cleo? Cleo, come on.

Cleo? Come to mommy.

Come here, Cleo. Come on.

Come here, girl. Come on.

Come on, Bob.

Come on, Bob. Help me get him to the car.

Come on, Brayker, move your ass. Grab the case and get over here.

Come on, let's be real. Brayker isn't gonna get you out of here, okay?

Come on, you son of a bitch!

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Come on. Come here, girl.

Come on. Come on, Danny. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Come on. Drink more.

Come on. Give it to me. Come on.

Come on. Wake up.

Condemned!

Cordelia, I don't know what happened to all that mail.

Cordelia, stay away from the door!

Cordelia?

Cordelia?

Cordelia?

Cordelia? You okay?

Cordelia...

Course, if we're heading west...

Course, if you don't help me, that's a whole other picture.

Crank me up. Come on.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

Cut!

Dad, there's a guy outside stealing your car!

Damn guacamole.

Damn, it just occurred to me. I watched him stash it and didn't even know it.

Damn!

Damn!

Danny, go upstairs! Come on. Move it!

Danny, how the hell did you get down here?

Danny, is that you?

Danny, no!

Danny, no!

Danny!

Danny?

Danny?

Danny?

Danny?

Danny? You in there?

Did I say pretty? I meant beautiful.

Didn't get your minimum deadly allowance of murder, madness and mayhem?

Didn't think so.

Do me a favor. Don't scream.

Do we have a deal?

Don't bother. You're coming with us.

Don't feel bad about giving up the key because...

Don't give me that shit! Where is it?

Don't you leave me!

Down, boy!

Drop the knife. Drop the goddamn knife!

Enjoy your stay, Mister...

Evenin', motel people.

Everybody, back!

Everybody's got to look out their selves. I'm for getting out of here.

Excuse me, mister.

Excuse me. I'm trying to have a conversation with my friend, Wally.

Excuse us. Can I talk to you for a second, please?

Find him. Find him now.

First things first, of course. The blood seal.

For Christ's sake, I'll finish cleaning it tomorrow.

For the key. Give me the key.

Forever. Think about that.

Frankly, we've been counting on you, haven't we?

Freeze.

Frights! Camera! Action!

From the very first time I delivered your mail.

Fuck it.

Fuck that! Shoot 'em both!

Fuck this cowboy shit!

Fuckin' hopeless.

Funny how you remember the big dates.

Funny thing is that I knew you weren't. I just had a feeling about you.

Gangway, I'm bringing in business.

Get away!

Get in.

Get it! Get it!

Get the eyes!

Get your asses up there! Go!

Get your clothes on. Now!

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Give it to me. Come on. Come on.

Give it to me. Come one. Crank me up.

Give me that gun!

Give me the cat! Give me the cat! Shit!

Give me the goddamn keys!

Give me the key, Brayker. For cryin' out loud!

Give me the keys!

Give me your hand.

Give me your light, Bob.

Go ahead and do it.

Go ahead, Mavis.

Go ahead.

Go down there, I can't help you.

Go on! Go on!

Go out the back door. Come on.

Go.

God created the heavens and the earth.

God, I wish I had that bottle of vodka now.

God! It's so humiliating. Do you know what he did?

God's doing some serious thinking tonight.

Goddamn it, I'm not making these rules up!

Goddamn it! Get that pussy off the table.

Good Cleo knows better than to eat that slop.

Got some place you want us to put him?

Guys like Roach, they think...

Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?

Have another.

He didn't have any bullets to do it.

He got my parents.

He says somebody tried to steal his car.

He took my Mr. Zippy patch.

He tried to seduce you, didn't he?

He was planning to take out the post office for Cordelia.

He's dead.

He's in the basement cooling off.

He's just... Just pop that lid.

He's not what he says he is. Willy... Willy!

He's not your friend. Assholes don't have friends.

He's really holding on tonight, isn't he?

Heads up!

Hell, I'd rather it wasn't.

Hello, baby booby bubby.

Hello, hello.

Hello, kiddies. So glad you could join me.

Hello! I'm your waiter, Skip.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Her blood's on your head, asshole.

Here's lookin' at you, Uncle Willy.

Hey, Bob. How we fixed for ammo?

Hey, Brayker. Don't worry. I'll save you.

Hey, Dad, hurry up! Get out here!

Hey, Danny. How you doing?

Hey, fuck him! This is his fight.

Hey, handsome, age before beauty.

Hey, I found the kid.

Hey, if it makes you feel good, do it.

Hey, kid. You want a quarter?

Hey, mister, get away from there.

Hey, Roach. Haven't you caused enough trouble?

Hey.

Hey...

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Homer, this is for four years of minimum wage, you asshole.

Honey, you'd be the first.

Horrible, isn't it?

How about a shiny new quarter? You want one? Come on.

How do you expect me to get my work done if you keep bothering me?

How was that? Good.

How you left her to die. Huh?

Huh! All right, everybody. Reset!

Humans! You're not worth the flesh you're printed on!

I am assuming it was personal business, Cordelia.

I asked for final cut, and I got it.

I believe you'll find what I'm looking for in there.

I bet he found you. Probably wanted to know what the smell was.

I bet you could use a long, hard one.

I call this one...

I can give you that love, as much as you can take.

I can help you.

I can't tell you how long. Maybe a lifetime.

I did it, Jack. I did it.

I didn't find anything in the perp's room...

I don't know how anybody ever worked down here.

I don't know how she got back in.

I don't know. One night, maybe two. Depends.

I don't see how they could fire you, Wally.

I forgive you.

I forgot all about this place. Willy, you get downstairs now.

I give and I give and I... Oh!

I got an idea that's gonna save us that walk.

I got you, girl. Come on, Brayker.

I guess I owe you an apology, Brayker.

I hate to even think about it.

I just got a call from Irene at the mission...

I know that sounds like a line. Lord knows I've used it.

I know these mines. Used to own the damn place.

I know this man, sheriff, and he will not do it.

I know what you need.

I know what you want.

I know what you're thinking:

I know. Who makes up all these rules?

I lied.

I liked those too. Damn!

I mean, really, what's the point?

I meant the cat.

I never rent short term, and I don't rent to strangers.

I notice you're not saying anything...

I promise. Come on. Come on.

I ran away.

I realized something awful about myself tonight, Wally.

I remember the first time we struck pay dirt down here.

I said almost, didn't I?

I said, drop your goddamn guns.

I sure as shit ain't.

I swear that girl ain't got no goddamn gratitude.

I think he's looking for a room of his own, Cordelia.

I thought I told you to stay downstairs.

I thought you might need help.

I understand you.

I waited a long time for this promotion, and I have to tell you...

I want it clean tonight.

I want it right the first time, and that's all there is to it.

I want to get that key, and I want to give it to those things out there.

I want you all up in the steeple now!

I want you. You know...

I warned you. I told you what would happen.

I was just thinking how much better that stuff looked when it was roadkill.

I was right about Brayker.

I'd appreciate getting back what he stole from me.

I'd like you to put it inside.

I'll bet he's saying:

I'll get back to you.

I'll take that, Willy.

I'll tell you the reason I'm late.

I'll wait for the next one.

I'm gonna find that north spur and get us the hell out of here.

I'm gonna say something to you... I haven't said to anyone.

I'm just an old man...

I'm not gonna give you the key. You're gonna have to take it.

I'm not gonna hurt you unless you make me.

I'm not passing judgment.

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to get angry. I...

I'm sorry, mister.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure you're familiar with the relationship...

I'm very easy to live with, I'm clean, I don't drink... much.

I'm warning you, bitch.

I'm with Jeryline. We've got to take our chances in the mines.

I've always loved you.

If he's in your town, you got a problem.

If I can't have your soul, I'm gonna take your heart.

If I hadn't made a place for her, she'd be behind bars or dead.

If we want to go out to the mines, we're going out that way.

In fact, I even got a "ghostcard" from her.

In the beginning...

Inside and out.

Irene!

Irene?

Irene?

Is hereby...

Is it just me, or has everybody fuckin' had it with you tellin' us what to do?

Is that all there is?

Is that because you're thinking of something? What is there to think about?

Is that so? What are you gonna do?

Is that where we're going? It looks like a church.

It ain't very subtle, but it does the trick.

It all ends up the same way.

It gets used, you see. Sirach had to refill it.

It just disappeared, but they won't believe me.

It was full of creatures. Full of demons.

It was kind of like a tune up and lube job.

It's a simple deal, Jeryline: You let me in, I let you out.

It's all right. I just have to check.

It's curtains for you, baby. Come on!

It's good to see you again, Danny.

It's like tumblers in a lock. Everything has to line up.

It's my way or the highway.

It's not my blood.

It's number five.

It's okay.

It's the bat shit. You get used to it.

It's time to play! Hello?

Jeryline, do you think you could ever find it in your heart...

Jeryline, get her sheets, will you?

Jeryline, I lo...

Jeryline, I lo...

Jeryline, I mean now!

Jeryline, let's go make some coffee.

Jeryline! Jeryline!

Jeryline.

Jeryline. Jeryline...

Jesus Christ, Bob, you son of a bitch!

Jesus Christ! Those post office folks were right.

Jesus, Roach!

Jesus, that... would make you, uh...

Jesus!

Jesus! Oh, man!

Just because they're paying for it that they can treat you like shit.

Just give me what I want, and nothing will happen to you.

Just hear what I've gotta say. And then scream.

Just like that.

Just pour the blood out. Save yourself the years of running.

Just stay inside and stay together.

Just the place I've been looking for.

Just what he needs, someone else screwing him.

Keep it in your pants for a change.

Knock yourself out.

Last I looked, we were missing Wally and Cordelia...

Leave the bottle.

Let me in.

Let me in.

Let me in.

Let me in.

Let's get out of here!

Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go! Move, move, move!

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Like it or not, we stick together.

Like you.

Listen, on a personal note.

Listen, what were you doing down in the mines?

Little secret: The man's dead meat.

Look at you.

Look what he's done. He's put somethin' awful inside.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry about your cat.

Look, Irene. I'm trying to clean your stove.

Look, Officers, the man I'm chasing is dangerous.

Looks like we're in for a long night.

Lucky kid.

Market price, of course. I recommend the finger food.

Maybe if you cool your heels in a jail cell...

Maybe it's up in his room. What you guys looking for?

Maybe nobody here can see it, but I sure can.

Maybe several. And on that day, you'll fight.

Mommy.

Mommy.

More juice.

Most of what's in here now belonged to a soldier...

Mr. Roach...

Mr. Smith.

My cat's outside. I gotta get my cat.

My whole life, I've avoided the guys who really loved me.

Named Dickerson. Gave it to me in France. August 23, 1917.

Need a hand?

Next time.

No doubt about it. This here's the north spur.

No one's ever brought a demon knight over to the other side before.

No one's going anywhere till Mr. Brayker says so.

No, I just started that stove. I can't do everything at once.

No, I was testing the lock. Seems to be working just fine.

No, I'm not kidding.

No, not for a second or a minute.

No, you don't!

No!

No!

No.

No.

No...

No...

No...

Nobody's going anywhere.

Not surprising. The whole area's riddled with them.

Nothing gets you fucked up faster. Am I right, girls? Am I right?

Now get up there!

Now I know who my friends are.

Now listen to me, all of you. You don't know what you're up against.

Now take it.

Now that's "inter tainment"!

Now the demons are back. They got six of the keys.

Now you know.

Now, listen. What the hell are you saying?

Oh, a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Roach.

Oh, boy!

Oh, God!

Oh, God...

Oh, goodness!

Oh, great.

Oh, man, this is hopeless.

Oh, my goodness! Oh, my God!

Oh, not too good.

Oh, poor guy. Maybe I should give him a freebie.

Oh, poor Wally.

Oh, Roach, you're so dirty!

Oh, Roach. There's just one more thing I forgot to mention:

Oh, shit!

Oh, still here, creeps?

Oh, yeah.

Oh! Just thinking about it gets me all hot and squishy.

Oh! Killing him was almost better than sex.

Oh! My nipples are smoking!

Oh! We are going to have so much fun spending all of his money, aren't we, baby?

Oh. Come on, baby. Come on.

Oh... Jeez...

Okay, Homer. That about covers it. We'll let you know if we hear anything.

Okay, we're on it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

On second thought, maybe I should have given it all to the monkeys."

On, Wally. Wally.

One of 'em's got Maryland plates, and the other one's from New Jersey.

Only enough for one entrance.

Or not.

Or possess you. Or use you to get to the rest of us.

Our special today is poached appendage.

Out of the seven, you're the only one left. You're the chosen one.

Party poopin' old bitch. Damn shit...

Personally, I was hoping we could avoid this.

Poor Cordelia.

Postmaster comes in...

Put him down!

Put him down!

Remind me of that program you're on. It's called "work release", ain't it?

Right in front of everybody.

Right in the eyes.

Right?

Roach is right.

Running out of time.

Said his name was Smith.

See that, Jeryline?

See, both those cars were stolen.

Seems downright criminal to treat a pretty girl that way.

She loves me.

She's gonna be needing clean sheets soon enough.

She's traveling the world and having a fabulous time.

Sheriff and Deputy Dipshit showed up too.

Sheriff, I am much obliged for your assistance in apprehending...

Sheriff, you better watch it. He's armed.

Sheriff, you there?

Shit, now...

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Shit! Oh, Jesus!

Shit! Wally was crazier than I thought.

Shit...

Shit...

Shithead, you left me out there.

Shoot us?

Show Mr. Smith up to number five.

Shut up, Bob.

Sir, I don't understand.

So fuck you! I'm going.

So if you're ready, creeps, fasten your drool cups...

So what were you in for?

So...

So... cheer up.

So... you got yourself a new boyfriend.

Soiled dove and her square jawed postal clerk.

Some of it. Yeah.

Somebody tried to steal Homer's car.

Something awful's about to go down... over there.

Something tells me you don't trust me.

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch! This guy was reading all our mail.

Sons of bitches!

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Sorry to drag you down here, but we'll sort this thing out...

Spread 'em!

Stay down here. I'm going to seal the upstairs.

Stealin'?

Stealin'. 'Kay?

Stop it! Let him go right now!

Stupid post office. Ain't the only job in town.

Suck this one down, Uncle Willy. Long hard one.

Supper time.

Sure.

Talon caught the artery here.

Tell Brayker to get his ass and the key up here now!

Tender, warm, unconditional love.

Thank you.

Thanks, Chief. Don't worry. They can't get past the seal.

Thanks, Mavis.

Thanks.

That eyeball shit only works on low level demons.

That Jeryline lived happily ever after.

That way I can get on my way...

That's all right. We'll work on that.

That's all that's important.

That's all the doors and window sealed.

That's all.

That's it. Used to be a church.

That's me giving you the finger, asshole.

That's right.

That's the first thing I'm gonna change.

That's very sweet of you, Wally.

That's what I came here to do. Give you this key.

That's what I told them. They don't listen to me.

The blood ins... inside... is that...

The eyes! Get the eyes!

The hell it ain't. If you had any sense, Wally...

The man said, if you knew who I was...

The spur that runs under here comes to a head in a mile.

The vein was as big as your goddamn arm.

The window.

The world needs more people like you, Mr. Roach.

Them sons of bitches must have been doing well over a hundred.

Then again...

Then I'm gonna have to kill you, right?

Then look out for my next motion picture.

Then the other one is north.

Then we could get on with our lives.

Then we fast forward about two or three million millennia.

There are only five of you. They need seven.

There are only two things we can use against them.

There was a time when a coy silence was appreciated in a woman.

There you go. There you go.

There'd be a period of adjustment, of course.

There's a great big world out there, Jeryline.

There's more of them!

They can call you "girlfriend" instead of "whore".

They decommissioned it in the 50s, due to lack of interest.

They drew us into a goddamn ambush!

They got no quarrel with us.

They hate that.

They just want you and that thing you're carrying.

They're downstairs.

They're gone.

They're here! The demons are here! Run!

This Brayker fella's getting more interesting.

This doesn't make sense. Anything?

This is a special day for me, Jeryline.

This is my house, and I make the rules!

This means this is a way out, right?

This time I'm gonna watch you.

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't watching the speedometer.

To focus the power of the cosmos into their hands...

To possibly lo... me?

To save it, God filled it with the blood of a carpenter...

To the monkeys.

To use on someone who's really just a sad girl...

Tonight's our big "screamiere".

Town is that way, and you're looking at nothing.

Trust me. You're safer in this house.

Uh oh! I think my producers are trying to tell me something.

Uncle Willy, are you okay?

Until God stepped forth and said...

Up. Up, up, up!

Upsy daisy!

Vaya con Dios.

Walking into town, the guy I was chasing?

Wally?

Wally? Wally, please don't die, Wally.

Want your arm back, Irene? I can make it happen.

Was my car. Did you see him?

Watch your back, Jeryline.

Watch your...

We can get to town before those things find out we're gone.

We don't need your fuckin' permission.

We give those damn demons what they want.

We got a whole lot of trouble!

We just got a call from Homer over at the café.

We just have to survive the night.

We stand here arguing about a traffic accident... Do you mind?

We'd like to have a word with you about the fender bender on the highway.

We'll find out soon enough.

We'll see. Listen.

We're entitled to know what's going on.

We're going down to the station and we're going to sort this shit out.

We've got to get her outta here. She'll bleed to death.

Well, Bob, it's too late to give them a ticket.

Well, don't just do it with your eyes, Wally.

Well, I guess that means it's somewhere in the house.

Well, if he was...

Well, it just so happens, I do.

Well, let me tell you something, pal.

Well, let me tell you something.

Well, not in one piece, anyway.

Well, the sons of bitches ain't gonna get us.

Well, they'll look like last week's leftovers anyway.

Well, this is not one of those times!

Well, well, well. Isn't this sweet?

Well, well, well. Mr. Brayker.

Well, what do you know!

Well, yes, I do call it acting.

Well... you know this... "hell on earth" business?

What am I looking at? Which way is town?

What are you doing?

What did you do that for?

What happens when you run out of blood?

What is that?

What makes you think they haven't found the mines?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell did he steal that had you going over 100 miles an hour?

What the hell...?

What the...

What took you so long? Jesus, Jack, what kind of cologne...

What was that?

What ya doin', mister? Are you stealing my daddy's car?

What?

What's that smell?

What's the matter?

What's your name?

When I buried that ax in his chest.

When I came here tonight, I thought you'd be safe.

When the stars line up, you'll know what to do.

Where do you suppose they went?

Where is that girl? Jeryline!

Where the fuck did they go?

Where the hell did they dig this guy up?

Where you goin'? You got a few questions to answer.

Where's Danny?

Where's the payoff, right? I'll make you a little promise.

Who are you really?

Who in the hell told you to follow me?

Who the hell are you?

Who was being crucified by the Romans, and gave it to a thief named Sirach.

Who's looking for love.

Whore, what a horrible word that is...

Whores ain't got no friends.

Why can't you do it yourself? You know I'm busy.

Why don't we just sit down here and wait for them?

Why don't you set the basket by the steps, Wally?

Why don't you shut up? You eat it.

Why don't you tell us where you put it?

Why wait?

Will you put them on my bed for me?

Willy, don't make me do this.

Willy, you son of a bitch!

Willy?

Would you mind dumping that out before you place it inside?

Yeah, and pearl before swine, shithead.

Yeah, I'm down to four.

Yeah, shoot 'em.

Yeah, this is it. The north spur's just ahead.

Yeah, well, I already tried that. He said no.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Yeah...

Yes, Cordelia, I really love you.

You all right?

You aren't so bad yourself.

You better be afraid of me.

You broke the seal. Run!

You call that "hack ting"?

You can stay here and die if you want to.

You didn't believe me.

You don't mind if we kill the others?

You expecting somebody, Mr. Smith?

You feel better?

You finish cleaning the stove, or you too busy shooting the breeze?

You fuckin', hodunk Podunk, well, then, motherfuckers!

You get in my way and I'll kill you.

You give up your soul, you turn into a demon, you look like shit.

You go out, you stay out.

You got an "I told you so" coming to you.

You got us into this mess. What are you gonna do to get us out?

You hurry up and finish...

You just stay where you are.

You kept me waiting, Roach, honey.

You killed him, right?

You know I want pieces of panty in my salad later.

You know something, Willy?

You know, I can see to it that you stay pretty.

You know, I'm glad that it's you who could share it with me.

You know, I've been looking forward to this all week.

You know, if my memory's right...

You know, it doesn't have to be unpleasant.

You look like you've had a long, hard day, uncle Willy!

You make it easy for me, I'll make it easy for you.

You may want to die in this motel, but I don't.

You mean right now?

You must be in exquisite pain.

You really got some balls, man.

You really love me, don't you, Wally?

You rinse and you rinse, and it comes out clear.

You see what I mean? We can make it to my truck.