The Jewel of the Nile Edit

A day I would never forget.

A woman?

Absolutely. When the summer's over we're going.

Africa.

After 17 books, I don't know how it ends any more.

Ah, I have a few questions...

Ah, Mr. Jack! Just Joan! The Chief's son, he wishes to make a blessing for your marriage.

Al Jawhara lives.

All right, what are the rules?

All right, yeah!

All right, yeah!

All right! Let's go, come on. Let's get out of here!

All right! Yeah!

All right.

All right. But if we get out of this alive, I'm gonna kill you.

All right. Thank you, guys. Catch you next time. Goodbye.

All right. You guys are with me, huh?

All wanting to be my proctologist.

Always a bridesmaid, never the bride.

America democracy. We vote, huh?

And all my people will unite behind me in peace and none of this will be necessary.

And cue! For Gawd's sake, cue!

And don't you even think of messing with me.

And end the strife that has bloodied his land.

And he wishes us a very pleasant journey.

And I feel an attack coming on! Know what happens if that happens?

And I'm a kumquat from Queens. Pipe down, towel head!

And I'm going to give you a chance to be together to the very end.

And my destiny is to outsmart them. You see?

And now Joan's work will receive the serious attention that it deserves.

And rats! I'm full of rat bites.

And then, according to the custom, they will be together for life.

And this will be her biggest accomplishment:

And we: We go this way.

And will you marry this man and take him to your heart,

And you show up with the entire national basketball team!

And you stay out of trouble.

And, you! You go this way.

Angelina's Savage Secret,

Any idea where we are?

As a friend of Miss Wilder's, you are welcome to be my guest also.

As long as Omar have the Jewel, nothing can stop him.

As usual, it's zilch for poor Ralphie.

Because I thought if you knew, you wouldn't come with us.

Before Omar steal Jewel, everything good.

Bloody bitch!

Boy, it stinks in this place.

But don't worry, Mr. Colton. You won't be alone.

But I will not be alone.

But I'm gonna tell you the truth. I didn't come here for you anyway. No!

But I'm sailing my boat tonight.

But if you lie to us, you die.

But now we dance!

But the world will see me as the savior of my people.

But then when the going gets tough, the tough...

But to write a biography it's something important, something real.

But tonight I gotta kill Colton.

But which one?

But you cannot kill me. Even you are superstitious.

But you drop one more of my boxes, and I'll smash your bloody face in!

But... it's not the bars that make the prison. It is the desert.

Cartagena, Colombia! Long time no... Oh, shit.

Casino work.

Cats. Come.

Change is not always visible.

Colton, I'll get you! Colton, I'm on to ya!

Colton, look at you. You...

Colton, you ain't gettin' away.

Colton!

Colton.

Come on, Colton. Where's the Jewel?

Come on, Jack.

Come on, Jack. Inshallah, we'll be there tonight.

Come on, then.

Come on, we'll get him. We'll get him.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Look, we'll team up. We'll find him, we'll get him good.

Come on. Tell him to cut me down, Jewels. Come on, huh?

Come on. We still got time to stop Omar. Let's go.

Come! I want to see him now.

Could I talk to you for a minute, please?

Could this be the end of my freedom, my salvation, my...

Damn it!

Decide they want the anchor of the Angelina for a souvenir!

Destiny, my ass! Excuse me.

Did you bring an army?

Did you miss me? I missed you. You're all I thought about for six months.

Do me a favor. Tell him we lived together for six months. Shit.

Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder.

Do something!

Does this mean you apologize?

Don't be frightened. You know, a man of vision has many enemies.

Don't be ridiculous. Jack would never die without telling me.

Don't cry, scumbag! I'll keep you company.

Don't fuck around with the equipment! Bloody woman!

Don't play stupid with me, partner.

Don't start with me! I've come halfway across Africa to rescue you.

Ease up, will ya? All right, there's gotta be another way in here.

Either save us or kill us. Hang on!

Every time I shake, I shake like this. Know what happens if I shake my trigger finger?

Every wacko, drippy, open sored lowlife was in that joint!

Everything you need, they will bring you.

Everything's gone.

Excuse me?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.

Exotic ports and great parties and spectacular sunsets...

Explore your new world.

Feel free to go anywhere and see anything.

Find for us the Jewel. Accept your destiny.

For your information, I am not a rock'n'roll star!

Forever devoted and forever young?

Forever devoted and forever young?

Free Al Jawhara!

Friends don't stab each other in the back.

From your most devoted friend.

Get down!

Get goin'.

Get outta here! Get out of the way!

Get over the wall. Come on!

Gimme the T shirt. I'll buy it, I'll buy it. Get outta here, will ya?

Give me a red to the yellow. And cue!

Go to her, Jack.

Go. You are free to leave.

God, I've got to have a drink!

Goddamn beanie convention. Wind up goin' home with a rug.

Goddamn it, she was the best time I ever had.

Gorgeous day. Huh, gorgeous?

Great! We're out of quarters.

Greece is looking better and better.

Greece.

Guys, no sweat, OK? We'll catch you next time we're in town.

Guys, wait up! Come on, Humphrey. Go, go, go!

Guys!

He is my best friend.

He knows that I will not be denied! Colton's future is bleak!

He says it's many days' long trip over high mountains.

He says that because there is more than one suitor, that you must wrestle his son.

He says, because you are not married, that his son wishes to court you.

He will carry on the work of the missing Great Redeemer.

He'd go halfway round the world for a party. He wouldn't cross town for a noble cause.

He's a holy man. That's his religious title.

He's asked me me to write his story. It's just what I've always wanted to do!

He's got something very important to talk to all you guys about.

He's gotta meet me at the governor's for dinner.

Hello. Hi!

Here only strangers say thank you. Family and friends have no need.

Here they come, Jack.

Here you'll write your masterpiece.

Hey, gorgeous!

Hey, look, guys! Lighten up! I'm only saying hello to an old girlfriend here!

Hey, Omar! Eat rocks!

Hey, Rachid! How are you? Good to see you again.

Hey, that's not bad for your first time.

Hey, where the hell you going?

Hey! How ya doin'?

Heydi Joan Wilder!

Hi. My name is Colton.

His temper flared, but he fought like a gentleman.

Hiya, Joanie!

Hold it!

Hold tight! I'm coming!

Holy shit and shove me in it.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Honey, did you get any more Buds?

Hot coals!

How about 100 bucks?

How do you do?

How do you stop this thing?

How long did this take?

How much romance can one woman take?

How ya doin'?

How ya doin'? Let's talk this over before you butcher me alive.

Hurry up. Let's go!

Hussein!

I accept.

I ain't gonna let you die, but I ain't movin' no ladder until you come across with the rock!

I am dead, Miss Wilder. All that will be written for Omar is an epitaph.

I am doing something.

I am losing patience with you.

I am real.

I am worried. You're the girl who never gets a book back late to the library.

I bet you could pick up a swell three bedroom town house here for about five or six dollars.

I can offer you this comfort: She leaves you for a higher purpose.

I can't wait for another smooth move. How about us at the back door in pussycat suits?

I come back and you're dead!

I did it! I did it! I'm one of us!

I didn't say it wouldn't burn. I said it wouldn't hurt! There's no blistering.

I didn't want to spoil things.

I don't know what got into me, Jewels. Every time I'm around this guy he makes me crazy.

I don't know what happens next.

I don't know what the pirates do, or what anybody does.

I don't know what the tough do.

I don't understand.

I don't usually travel by train, but I had a small accident with my helicopter.

I faced my fate alone.

I feel like I'm back in eighth grade. Is this The Young and the Stupid?

I got a lot more than that.

I got something.

I gotta get off this camel. It's breaking my ass! Colton!

I gotta get out to write the truth about him.

I gotta stop Omar.

I gotta wrestle his son?

I have a cat.

I have consumption and will be dead before the year is out.

I have to get to Kadir.

I hope this is satisfactory.

I just had my feet resoled.

I knew we'd hook up again, Colton. Get it?

I know how you two operate.

I love you, Jack.

I made a commitment. I can't break it.

I mean, after all, she is an American citizen.

I mean, his favorite author is the man who wrote "Pull Tab to Open".

I mean, Jack, this is just becoming a blur.

I mean, this isn't Space Invaders!

I might like it.

I might love your country, your culture, and even your people! That means I love you!

I now declare...

I only write romance novels.

I promise ya. I'll feed ya to the maggots! I'll get...

I promised Gloria I'd finish that book three months ago, and I can't.

I really thought we had a chance.

I said give me a red gel down there!

I see the writer is already at work. Good.

I still owe you for Joan.

I swear to God I'll be a good boy from tomorrow on.

I swear to God on my eyes I never seen that jewel!

I swear to God!

I think I'll go down and give that roulette wheel one more chance.

I think I've come through once or twice, if I remember right.

I think it's a great chance.

I think this calls for a renegotiation. Don't you, Tarzan? Huh?

I thought you wanted to go to New York.

I thought you wanted to sail around the world with me.

I want you lot to be careful!

I was hoping to avoid them.

I will take you to him.

I will.

I will.

I wish no harm to you!

I wouldn't want her to break her commitment.

I'll get in there with or without you dinks!

I'll give you a one way ticket to Harp Land! What'd you do with it?

I'll have what I came for this day!

I'm glad you're here, Joan. Together we'll make history.

I'm like this with Weinberger. We'll be all over you!

I'm on to something big.

I'm really blessed. My people love me.

I'm saying it because I'm not afraid to say it any more.

I'm so happy to see you.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry.

I'm your friend! Your fan!

I've been away from here too long.

I've been invited by your Omar. I'm here to see Joan Wilder.

If I wanted the truth, I would have hired 60 Minutes.

If it weren't for the Jewel, I'd have led my people to power long ago.

If you don't tell me what the hell is going on here,

If you know our way.

If you want to be one of us, you must see with the eyes of your heart,

If you'll just let us see her, no paperwork. Mum's the word. Everything...

In just four nights I will become Emperor, and you will have the exclusive story.

In The Savage Secret, how'd they get out?

In three nights in Kadir the moon will be full,

In two nights at the holy city of Kadir Omar will proclaim himself Emperor.

It can't be true.

It doesn't end.

It is dangerous for Sufis to enter Omar's city.

It only begins anew when you journey down the Nile with me.

It was a day I had always dreamed of.

It was a day like no other.

It was either my love or myself.

It's a black day for democracy.

It's always a stone. Open your hand.

It's as big as this orange?

It's beautiful!

It's been kind of tough lately.

It's funny.

It's like a fishbowl!

It's not enough?!

It's not enough.

It's OK.

It's the end of Mr. Lucky. That's the end of...

It's your choice.

It's...

Jack Colton, Omar Khalifa.

Jack is dead.

Jack politely asked him to leave.

Jack, buddy, let's help this nice man get his jewel back.

Jack, he's coming with us.

Jack, watch out!

Jack, we have to take him to Kadir.

Jack!

Jack!

Jack! Hold on!

Jack.

Jack...

Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot.

Jesus! Everything's always gotta be your way? It's just like the goddamn boat!

Jewels!

Joan Wilder does not want to see you.

Joan Wilder!

Joan Wilder?

Joan, will you give me a break?

Joe is the Jewel of the Nile?

Joe is the Jewel.

Joe is the Jewel.

Joe, he's...

Journey down the Nile with me and I'll give you a chance to record history.

Jump!

Just Joan, you're gre...

Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think we're from National Geographic.

Just take your lead from me, and we'll be fine.

Just tell me why this guy wants you so bad.

Keep going.

Keep it always.

Keep your mind on business.

Kinda goin' outta your way to duck me!

Kiss steel, bastard!

Let me go!

Let me in!

Let me tell you, Jack is not the marrying kind.

Let's get outta here!

Let's go.

Let's go.

Like a stone.

Like a...

Like it?

Literary functions are not Jack's speed.

Live to fight another day.

Look at that. It worked!

Look at these guys, Colton.

Look down.

Look out for her, will ya?

Look out there. What do you see?

Look, I'm going on the boat. You guys can do what you want.

Look, if I can make gods out of rock'n'roll stars, imagine what I can do for you.

Look, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be on to this.

Look, we don't want to create an international incident here.

Look, you owe me, Colton.

Look! The train to Kadir!

Lookin' more like 90 10! Huh, kumquat?

Make yourself comfortable.

May we reach Kadir in time.

Maybe I would've surprised you.

Maybe we both expect too much.

Maybe you are the one.

Maybe you're right. Maybe we need a break.

Mine's set on Greece.

My biography.

My boat blew up.

My career?

My heart just isn't in it. Romance just doesn't seem real to me any more.

My heart sees rats, Pop. Don't let this garb fool you.

My humble house.

My name is Omar Khalifa and I have traveled 1,000 miles to tell you I need you.

My one true love had fought bravely, but it wasn't enough.

My people await me.

My right hand to God!

Nevertheless, he is dead.

Nice warm water and a cold beer.

No pain, no gain.

No sheep is safe tonight.

No, I just didn't have time today to ravage the Riviera for your beer.

No, I'm Mr. Colton. Jack Colton.

No, it won't. The world won't believe you. I've been in your office and seen your vision.

No, not the left one! No!

No, thanks, pal. Keep your friggin' jewel.

No, wait, wait!

No, you must come to help find the Jewel now before Omar kill many people.

No!

No!

No! Hang on, Joan!

No! No!

No?

Now everything is shit!

Now what?

Now, wait. He's already tried to kill me once.

Nubians.

Oh, boy.

Oh, God. I love you, lady.

Oh, he's got a private jet.

Oh, I suppose you were thinking all about me when you took off with Omar?

Oh, Jack, we've been on this boat half a year now. I need shore leave.

Oh, Jack! I thought I'd never see you again.

Oh, Jack...

Oh, Mary!

Oh, my God. Look at this. Looks like Our Lady of Mount Palmer schoolyard.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, God. Please, let me get out of this alive.

Oh, no. Over the wall!

Oh, Omar!

Oh, Rachid.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Look out!

Oh, shit.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that scum! I spit on him!

Oh, this is a good shot for you the little boy holding up my picture.

Oh, what's that I hear? A heart breaking? You sap!

Oh, yeah, that's wonderful.

Oh, yes, this is OK. Fine.

Oh.

OK, flyboy, your estimated time of departure is now!

OK!

OK. Fine.

OK. This one I think I can handle.

Omar has been chosen to unite the tribes of the Nile

Omar has stolen my people's jewel. Omar is a very bad man.

Omar steals the heart of our people.

Once we get inside, we must find the entrance to the catacombs.

One will watch the other die.

Only the worst kind of fool would attempt our desert alone.

Please surrender!

Quiet! Next time you'll not be so lucky.

Rachid is now placing acid that will eat through Miss Wilder's rope.

Rachid!

Rachid.

Ralph, I am the Jewel. The Jewel of the Nile.

Ralph, if you want to be one of us, take off your shoes and socks.

Ralph, that is not the Sufi way.

Ralph.

Rats! Get out of here, you... Goddamn rat farm! Go on!

Real? You don't write "real". You write about people that sail off into the sunset.

Remember the Sufi way: See with your heart.

Rescue me? I was doing fine without you.

Right.

Sandstorm.

See that word "Fragile" on the side? It means don't drop... Why don't you listen?

Sell any books here?

She used her nail file to cut the mortar away from the window box.

Shit!

So how big is this jewel?

So I'll travel at night. I don't care. I have to stop Omar.

So now what are we celebrating?

So when are you gonna leave?

So where do you wanna go on our honeymoon?

So wherever you're going, I'm going.

So you got your heart set on it?

So, Joan Wilder, you must come and write my story.

Sorry!

Sounds great.

Stop confusing real life with a romantic novel.

Stop it!

Stop that! Stop it!

Stop!

Stop!

Subsequently I should shoot you the first chance I get!

Sufis rule!

T shirts! Buy T shirts!

Talk to anyone.

Ten weeks of rabies shots this long and all I thought of was you, Colton. Just you!

Thank you for coming to Kadir with me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That is why you are here.

That's all right.

That's another ball game.

That's for the Angelina.

That's good, that's good, that's very good. Now, bring it up slowly.

That's very nice, but the lady is... She's with me.

The 10 turned to 20, the 20 to 40.

The best I can figure out is that we head due east. We should make it to the border.

The best.

The boat blew up!

The boat blew up!

The entrance!

The Jewel is a legend.

The Jewel of the Nile.

The Jewel? You mean you weren't shittin' me? That guy really is the Jewel?

The Jewel.

The people must believe I have the same powers as the Jewel.

Then permit me to tell you.

There are many rooms and many ways.

There was only room for one more.

They get all that from one dance?

They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward.

They told me you were dead. I never wanna feel that way again.

They were hungry.

They will not have me for long.

Think about this pit as your last adventure, Joan Wilder.

This is "next Tuesday", Jack.

This is gonna be tight!

This is just five or four weeks of research.

This is my first time in airplane.

This is the marriage dance. In this tribe, the women, they choose the man.

This is the work of Omar.

This Jack... He is friend for you?

This looks a little bit more like 70 30.

This valley is gift of the Nile.

Those guys can go for hours without coming up for air.

Three crazed Joan Wilder fans

Tomorrow we journey to Kadir. You must be there. It will be your most important chapter.

Tonight. He has a private jet and...

Two nights from now it will not matter.

Two pages.

Unless I convince them I am their spiritual leader, they will never follow me into battle.

Very big.

Very bleak!

Very popular with the inhabitants of these catacombs.

Very, very big. Very big. Very, very big.

Wait a minute, guys. Let's talk this over like gentlemen!

Wait a minute. You are the one that has to get to Kadir.

Wait till Time magazine sees this.

Wait. I thought you said that we were going back to New York for a while.

War plans? Oh, my God! What is he up to?

Was my biggest seller.

We are sworn, Just Joan.

We got blue skies,

We have food! We have drink!

We have the Jewel.

We have to do something!

We must stop here.

We split it right down the middle, Colton. 50 50.

We swore an oath, Just Joan and I. We go to Kadir.

We were good together, weren't we, Joan Wilder?

We'll see about that.

We're here on official business. This is Mr. Fatush from the US Embassy.

We're moored off the Canary Islands. Midnight, sound asleep.

We're not married.

We're the perfect couple when we got people shooting at us.

We've been invited to Africa.

Welcome.

Well, Colton, looks like we've hitched our wagon to a star.

Well, I do, but not all of it this week.

Well, I'm afraid the Western press cannot understand the spirit of my vision.

Well, I'm flattered, pal. And I'm sorry you had such a tough time.

Well, not exactly.

Well, now, Rachid, I don't think you understand.

Well, sweetheart, I guess it's just you and me.

Well, the best of luck to you, pal. Joan, let's get going.

Well, there.

Well, try that one there.

Well, well, well, Colton.

Well, yes. They seem very... enthusiastic.

Well, you got your story.

Westerners understand nothing. The Jewel represents the spiritual world of my people.

Whaddaya say we spin that roulette wheel while we're there?

What a fruit loop.

What a shame we had uninvited guests.

What are you doing?

What are you getting so steamed about?

What are you gonna do?

What are you talkin' about? We got him out, like you said. Come on.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? Where?

What did you do for this guy Omar you never did for me?

What do you do, Mr. Colton?

What do you know about truth? You fantasize everything.

What do you mean "my way"? It wasn't my idea to spend six months on your boat!

What do you say we cut him in on this jewel, if we ever find it?

What do you want me to do?

What does this mean?

What happened?

What is it with you?!

What is the Jewel?

What kind of demented psychopath would even think of this?

What kind of sick pervert would go to this trouble?

What looks good, amigo?

What was that?

What you talkin' about? I work with professional people.

What? I don't see shit!

What's so important there that you have to write the book now?

Whatever makes you happy.

When you hook up with jujubes, see what happens.

Where the hell's the horn?

Where we going?

Where?

Who are you? The Prince of Darkness? Don't you got any friends?

Who is going to save you now?

Who?

Why are you risking your life for this guy?

Why didn't you tell me the truth? Why'd you keep it from me?

Why do these Third World cesspools always gotta be so hot, will you tell me that?

Why do you think I brought you here? You stay here and write what I tell you to write!

Why point out the negative?

Will you marry me?

Will you marry this woman and take her to your heart,

With Jack, my happiness always came first.

Without me to oppose him, he'll march across North Africa like a madman.

Would you now place the ring on her finger?

Yeah, me. All right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I think I'll go downstairs and punch in. Excuse me, excuse me.

Yeah. Mykonos, Lesbos, ouzo, olive oil. Honey, we're going.

Yeah. When the going gets tough, the tough go to Greece.

Yes!

Yes! In The Return of the King. I had the same uniforms designed.

Yes.

Yes. And you haven't finished the one you're working on right now.

You are a gifted storyteller. You create heroes in a world of cynics.

You are a writer. You can understand.

You are guest of Omar.

You are married!

You are Sufi.

You are the only one that can stop Omar. You have to go with me!

You are three months past your deadline. What gives? Un scotch, double.

You are welcome!

You bastard!

You bastard! You burnt my hand!

You can't do that! I'm a professional.

You can't keep me here!

You don't know how many nights I dreamed of this.

You go from this way. And... I go this way.

You got a toilet?

You help us find the Jewel, and we give you great reward.

You know what they say: Once they've had a holy man, they never go back.

You know, I really admire your loyalty to each other.

You know, I'm getting to like this guy Joe. He's growing on me.

You look pale, Miss Wilder. I'll send you my personal physician.

You must forgive us. We are a poor people.

You need me. I can help you find him.

You sound like someone who's got what they wanted and now don't want what they got.

You stay with me until our book is done.

You take care of yourself.

You tell His Highness the show starts with him or without him.

You tell Omar, right Omar that his special effects wizard has arrived!

You thieving bastard! You ain't stiffin' me again!

You were gonna marry me with consumption? Why didn't you tell me?

You were invited with the woman. You can get into Omar's palace. My people cannot.

You wouldn't happen to have a knife, would ya?

You! You go this way.

You'll wind up getting yourself killed over some broad who dumped you.

You're alive!

You're not just saying that because this is it, are you?

You're right. You come through all the time.

Your ass is grass, and I'm a lawn mower, Colton!

Your buddy Omar! What is it? He can't live without you?

Your fears they make you foolish.

Your heart will never give you fear or pain

A jewel. The Jewel of the Nile. Come with us. I am Jawhara!

And the next day when the sun comes up? There is no next day in romance.

And this is... You are Mr. Wilder?

And we're gonna make it. Yeah.

Are we jogging? We are jogging.

Bloomingdale's? No.

But... I'll be back!

Come on, Ralph. Take the ladder and put it over the well.

Come. We must leave today. Joanie!

Did you get the ladder all right? Jack, help me unlock the Jewel.

Do not worry. It's not my destiny to die here. What about us?

Do you know where you're going? Give me a break!

Do you recognize my home? I wrote this!

Do you speak English? "Give back the Jewel. "

Except your flesh was torn off your body. Ralph, please, just help us down.

Give back the jewel? Yeah. Eid lana Al Jawhara.

Go ahead. Gimme a reason. Make my year! Hey, go easy with the gun.

Go. No!

Have you got the right woman? No.

He blew up my boat! Our boat?

He's a friend. You made friends in there?

Hey, Joe, where you going? This way.

How'd they get out? What?

I am guide. I can help. I don't need a guide. I need a miracle!

I am his favorite author. You saying it's none of my business?

I am Tarak. You must come with me now. What the hell are you?

I can't write if you keep secrets from me. What secrets?

I don't go near rats, buddy. Ralph, do not be afraid.

I read about you. Yes, I know. Time magazine.

I read all your books. Thank you.

I wanna do something serious. Serious? Come on!

I'll be on the first plane back to New York. It's impossible.

I'll write the truth about you. The truth?

I'm coming, too. The hell you are!

I'm not even wearing underwear. Great!

I'm sorry I got people shooting at you again. You kidding?

I've done it hundreds of times on stage. This is not a cheap theatrical stunt!

Is all this yours? It belongs to the country. To my people.

Is that the goat's blood? Yes.

It is Space Invaders! That'll show 'em!

It's a miracle! My people have to believe it! Omar, trust me. Trust what I've got to say.

It's as big as an orange. The Jewel is the heart of our people.

Jack, the wall! Oh, no!

Jack, you said you were getting a car. If I knew it was Tuesday, I would've. Sorry.

Jack... Oh, honey. I know, baby. I know.

Joanie, just finish it. I can't.

Just Joan, we must hurry. Wait. He blew up our boat?

Just Joan, we need to go! Wait a minute, who's this guy?

Just the slow times I'm not too good at. I guess I just expect too much.

Let's show some hustle! What?

Let's talk about this like gentlemen. Gentlemen! Did I tell you I got malaria?

Magic! Dry rot.

Main man! Hey, my man! What are you so happy about?

Most unexpected. I gotta get outta here.

Mr. Khalifa has... Omar, please.

Must be somebody coming to the reception. That's not till next Tuesday.

No! Are you afraid?

No! Can we talk about this?

No. I'm just Joan Wilder. Just Joan Wilder, I'm Al Jawhara.

not with the eyes of your head. Gotcha, yeah.

Now let me show you my humble house. Thank you.

Now you are dead. No! Don't cut off my head!

Oh, debate good. I enjoy. OK, let me tell you what I put up with.

Oh, I just... Oh, no, that's...

Oh, my God. I'm your biggest fan!

Oh, now it's our boat? Good debate. It's equal, no winners.

Oh, what the hell. We had a good run. Oh, Jack, come on.

OK. Let's go, come on! Wait. He's coming with us.

Omar again, huh? We'll see about that.

Omar blew up my boat, huh? Your woman is in danger, too.

Omar is thief. Omar is very bad man.

Omar steal our jewel. Al Jawhara. Jewel?

Or maybe even 80 20. Ralph, will ya get the rats off that rope?!

Our most priceless jewel. Oh, that jewel.

People can surprise you. No, he's just Jack. He'll never change.

Please, don't let us die! That's a good idea, Legs.

Quickly, Just Joan! Are you sure you know where you're going?

Ralph! Get us out of here, will ya? Ah! And there's the biggest rat of all.

Rats. Yes. They eat until they get the last drop.

Remember the Costa del Sol, Jack? Oh, come on!

Right. But it's just Joan. Right. Just Joan.

Right. We just have to get out this window. Please.

Take it easy. Say hello to her for us.

Tell me how it's done, magician. It's not magic trick. It's miracle.

Thank you. My pleasure.

That means Joe. Thanks, Joe, but no thanks.

That was great! Great, huh? I could've gotten killed!

That's all changed. That fast?

The camp's coming up. Shit!

The Nile! Oh, the Nile.

The Savage Secret. What?

They have emperors on the Nile? They do now.

This is my publisher. Gloria Horne. Oh, your publisher.

This is what I've been looking for. Isn't it a little bit over your head?

Tough day, huh? Yeah, you could say it was tough.

We gonna walk through the centre of town? I'm gonna put you up a camel's ass.

We were drifting for days! And the other... Stop. I'm sorry. It's time for Just Joan.

Well, do something! All right. I'm trying!

Well, I'll write you. Where?

Well... is that the way to Kadir? La. Kadir is in the west, over that mountain.

What a lot of people! They are going to see the false redeemer.

What are you doing? I'm not doing anything!

What are you doing? In one of my books,

What are you talking about? The stone, moron! I'm cocked!

What is the best that could happen to you? I could get through this and find the Jewel.

What is the worst that can happen to you? I could wind up a Chicken McNugget.

What jewel? The Jewel of the Nile.

What people? What are you talking about? You must help me find the Jewel.

What the hell is he doing here? Don't get cagey with me. I'm on to it.

What, Joe's got the Jewel? No.

When they come with the milk... How about you takin' it in the ear!?

Who are you? Is this where Al Jolson's buried?

Who the hell are you? Don't provoke me, pal!