Bad Moms Christmas Edit

A 184 people are coming.

A box of Ziploc baggies.

A deeply fucked up way of showing it.

A Happy Happy Princess Doll

A little more crazy.

A little more independent.

A princess outfit at least once a month.

A sweatshirt just like this for Christmas.

A used baseball glove.

About our relationship.

About the importance of Christmas

About the money you asked me for, mom, and...

About your relationship with your daughter.

Ah! My God! My God!

All any mom wants

All of you are here. Okay.

All the cleaning

All the wrapping.

All you care about is for people to go

Alright, enough with the bad language.

Alright, guys. Here.

Alright, thank you.

Alright.

Alright. Now.

Alright. Well, at least I'm not waxing your pussy.

Always.

Am I good mother? Did I screw everything up?"

Amy, don't be ridiculous.

Amy, feel his shoulders.

Amy, he is the godfather of smooth jazz.

Amy, it's December 19th.

Amy, stop! You're embarrassing the family.

Amy, this is a very important Christmas for your kids.

Amy, this is Christmas.

Amy, you are a mom.

Amy?

And a cheap weave.

And a few years ago

And all those things made your mom

And all those things made your mom

And Amy, you're Scrooge.

And Amy's way of doing Christmas is lazy and embarrassing.

And and I can pull my butt crack open for you if you want.

And be a part of my family

And can't they look a little happier

And colored exactly like mine, but...

And controlling and...

And definitely, definitely, no Kenny G.

And feeding each other sandwiches

And get to know her like I know her...

And give it back to him again this Christmas.

And here is everyone's sheet music.

And how lame are the gifts that your family gives you?

And I am lazy."

And I even can see it, and I'm stoned all the time.

And I hate Christmas because it's so much work..."

And I hate that they're gray.

And I have looked everywhere

And I just, I need you to...

And I know you need your space.

And I need you out of my life for good.

And I need you to know... that I love you.

And I promised them that I would give it to them.

And I really don't think I can return that house!

And I see these, you know, these couples walking around.

And I turned out amazing.

And I want it all gone.

And I will be right back.

And I will come back and sing to you for hours.

And I will leave you there.

And I'm gonna pay you back every cent that I borrowed from you.

And I'm like, "Uh... Well, I do."

And I'm like, "Yeah, I dance around

And if it is perfect

And if things are not going our way, then what do we do?

And if you can find it in your heart to forgive her

And if you want to come down here

And it is my job

And it worked.

And it's probably a little strange for you. Am I right?

And Kent.

And Kiki.

And let ye heart be warmed! Two, three, four.

And look, you were just getting your little tiny breasts.

And lookin' at jewelry, you know...

And more importantly, neither will your kids.

And my mother is still telling me how to live my life.

And my way is better, and my way will win.

And no matter what anyone says...

And no matter what happens

And now you come into my office, and you go

And sent me away to boarding school.

And she called me a whore.

And she can't handle it.

And she has never kicked me out. Never.

And she is a pain in the ass even on a good day.

And she returned it with notes.

And skip all the annoying stuff?

And so does Grandpa Hank.

And so would my balls.

And t that, that is too close.

And that made your mom a little crazy.

And that's why mommy's gonna move it around back.

And the answer is...

And the owner comes up to me, and he's like

And the rest is, the rest is history.

And the sanctity of marriage and how best to raise children.

And then Dirk died. A long, slow, painful death.

And then I had Kiki when I was only 18 years old.

And then my husband died

And then my husband Dirk wanted a faster life

And then we'll apply the wax if you...

And then you fell off your bike and you broke your arm.

And then you got bullied in school.

And then you got married.

And then you punched the wall

And then you started dating that weird dude

And then, boom. Howdy, neighbor.

And then, of course, on Friday, we'll all go caroling.

And then, we're gonna come home

And they're, they're, like, holding hands and...

And this hideous tree does not give joy to anybody.

And this year

And we became crazy close.

And we can have a sushi station

And we can hire Kenny G

And we could just have a nice Christmas.

And we would like to be...

And we're gonna exchange three gifts.

And we're gonna see Wayne Newton before he dies.

And were you perfect?

And what are you doing here, Amy?

And what it means to be a mother

And what's worse is...

And when the nurse placed her on my breast

And where's your dad in all this?

And with what they're paying me, I think I can pay you back

And yelled the F word.

And you always pushed me to do better.

And you bought a house you can't afford.

And you didn't sleep for six months

And you give fancy parties, and you know how to cook food.

And you have to do them all perfectly

And you keep fighting me every step of the way.

And you kept screaming at him.

And you know what, I have done horrible stuff

And you refused to eat, and when you did eat

And you shove it up your ass.

And you're a terrible mother.

And you're divorcing him.

And you're raising kids who never say

And, and you have all your own teeth.

And, uh, I mean, I was looking forward to it.

And, uh, Kiki, uh...

And, uh...

And, um... you know what?

And, you know, ever since my dad died

Anyone else here for a wax?

Anyway, uh, my mom and I were gonna

Anyways, Kiki and I have always been super close

Anyways, Merry Christmas, everyone.

Are these a thing now?

Are these lobster Santa hats?

Are you Carla?

Are you smelling my hair?

Argh!

Around the city.

As characters from "A Christmas Carol."

As long as it's without me!

At everything and she is impossible to please.

At least a serious conversation with her.

At Our Mother of Perpetual Suffering.

At the "Russian Nutcracker," Hank.

At the mall, I can't remember if I actually said that

At the risk of sounding forward

Aw, it's alright.

Babe, everything's gonna be fine.

Babe, listen, the rock and roll lifestyle

Bake cookies, and watch "Love Actually."

Because all I want

Because apparently, you are unwilling to do so yourself.

Because I know the real her.

Because I push her to be the best

Because I think she wants to steal my TV.

Because I wanna work this out with you.

Because my way will always win.

Because they're telling you what they think you want to hear.

Because we're basically the same age.

Because you know what she's most insecure about?

Because you know what? I just am.

Because you're my grandkids, and I love you

Been here on Christmas before?

Been the best mother in the world.

Before my husband never has sex with me again.

Bein' a mom.

Bernard, let's hang 'em on the tree. Okay, buddy?

Better stay with her for observation.

Big spoon, little spoon.

Both of your parents still love you so very much.

Bring it to the stage, my man

Bringing back a lotta happy Christmas memories for me.

Business opportunity.

But beneath that tough exterior is a scared little girl

But good, you look good.

But he's completely under her control.

But I guess not everyone is as incredibly strong as I am.

But I just love you so much.

But I'm not wearing this ridiculous costume.

But if our daughter throws a half assed Christmas

But if she's impossible to please

But if you think for one second

But imagine if I did have cancer

But it gets complicated.

But it's Christmas and you're my mom and...

But none of us are.

But otherwise, everything is fine.

But secretly, they know that I'm right.

But she has no idea what I went through

But sometimes, I just...

But sometimes, she can be a bit much.

But thank you, I am.

But then you were born.

But these two...

But we all know that she's gonna keep treating you

But we're all gonna die sometime, alone and afraid.

But you are the worst mom of all of us.

But you know what?

But you know what? You suck.

But you know, his heart is enormous.

But you would not believe how mad she got

But you... somehow just turned out really good.

But your mom is the most insecure woman I've ever met.

But, um, I'm kind of on a first date

But, um...

But... But Ty, he was so calm.

But... for the tiny fraction of blame that falls on me

Buy presents for his own mom?

By seven time Grammy winner, Celine Dion.

Can I ask you something?

Can I come in?

Can I do anything to help?

Can you do a li... Can you purse your lips for me a little bit?

Care about their children, mom.

Carla, no.

Carla, uh...

Carla. I found kale chips in your kitchen.

Christmas is by far

Christmas is killing me this year.

Christmas tree on the block, it makes her feel just for a second

Closer.

Come here and sit by me. Both of you, come here.

Come on in, everybody.

Come on. Who's ready to have some Christmas fun?

Come with me.

Could I do that?

Darling, when I lived here

Daughters spend their whole lives trying

Did you just kick out grandma forever?

Did you say "Sweet?"

Do that! Anything!

Do you like my Kiki head pajamas?

Do you mean that?

Do you think I enjoy fighting with my daughter, Hank?

Do you think that was funny, Hank?

Do your moms have your... hairstyle?

Doing that, so, yeah.

Don't care. Thank you so much. Thank you. You can go now.

Don't laugh, she's my friend. That's rude.

Don't let your guard down, or she's gonna blow up your car.

Don't worry, I'll show you how this works. It's on an app.

Don't worry. We have back up.

Dude, that is fucking psycho.

Eh, fuck it. Here. It's a loan. It's a loan.

Even the **** have Christmas trees by now.

Every home in Westbury gets to vote on who wins the Cup.

Every November, I just go into his room

Every single day of her life.

Every time they jump into the crowd, someone usually...

Everybody loves a Christmas like this!

Excuse me, I'm so sorry.

Farewell, see you later. Sushi chef, you gotta go.

Fine, but you need to have

First, you have to buy gifts

First, you kick dad out. Now, you kick grandma out.

For 15 years.

For a while?

For Christmas dinner and my mother is loving it.

For every human being you've ever met.

For everyone in my family and all I ever get

For getting every gift for everyone

For it and I don't know where it is.

For kicking you out of the house.

For wearing open toed shoes on a sailboat.

From November to New Year's.

From some boundaries, right?

From you yet?

Fuck me.

Get the fuck out, Kenny G.

Go see "The Nutcracker." So...

Go, go, go. Mom! Where did we park?

God, Chinese food on Christmas.

Going at it like monkeys in a zoo.

Going with some dads from school.

Gomenasai.

Good evening, everyo...

Good!

Goodnight, dear children.

Grab a bunch of random crap

Grandkids, they really are the greatest gift.

Grandma.

Guys, are we not taking Christmas back this year?

Guys, how long have you been standing here?

Guys, I can't believe that we're eating Chinese food

Guys, I don't wanna make a big deal of it.

Guys, what is wrong with us?

Guys, would you please just trust me that it's for the best?

Guys.

Guys...

Ha ha! You know what? I'm done fighting this.

Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki!

Hank deserves a little fun at Christmas.

Hank drives like a girl.

Hank, get all our bags.

Hank, I am Amy's mother

Have some breakfast candy.

Have thrown a secret Christmas party at your house.

Have we learned nothing? This is bullshit.

He's a national treasure.

He's so much bigger than your dad was.

He's, he's really good at stripping.

Heart... cancer.

Hello, I'm Ruth. I'm Amy's mom.

Here we go.

Here, have some iTunes gift cards.

Here, have some X Boxes.

Here's the thing, let's just not...

Hey, guys, we got more carolers.

Hey, Jessie, you should come over on Christmas.

Hey, mom, look what Santa got me.

Hey, mom.

Hey, psycho bitch

Hey, what's up, lady?

Hey, would you like to, uh, donate

Hey, wow, look at that.

Hey, you wanna see the sweatshirt I made?

Hey! Do you know which one is better for the vagina?

Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!

Hey.

Hi, guys.

Hi, is, um...

Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie.

Hi, Ruth. We bought you a churro.

Hi.

Hi. You must be Amy's mom. I'm Carla.

Hm.

Hm.

Hmm.

Ho, ho, hold on.

Holy fuck.

Holy shit.

Honestly, this is better than what you usually wear at school.

Honestly?

Honey, did you see these ornaments?

Honey, I'm going to Instagram the shit out of this, right now.

Honey...

How can you put a price tag

How could I say no?

How could you do this to us?

How dare you! You know how much that thing costs?

How did you find me?

How do you like the Christmas cavalcade, huh?

How do you take it?

How does all this closeness make you feel?

How much did this cost?

How much do you need?

How old is he now?

How was your night?

How we're doing Christmas this year.

How would you feel being so mean to your mother?

How you doin' tonight, Chicago?

How'd you guys meet?

How's Christmas with your mom?

I actually came to apologize

I actually felt, for the first time

I actually think that you're a really wonderful mom.

I actually wanted to enjoy Christmas.

I am a grown woman who needs a life

I am decorating your house properly

I am disappointed in this threesome.

I am from Ottawa, which is in Canada.

I am so happy

I am so sorry. I forgot to te...

I am... I am generally... apologetic.

I basically just raised myself

I bought the house down the street.

I can just open up. Be myself. It's nice.

I can make quiche. I'm gonna go make quiche.

I can relate.

I can teach you some basic karate moves.

I can tell when you're dicking around.

I can't believe A Amy is actually intent

I can't believe my mom's not wearing a sweatshirt.

I can't believe people fall for this shit. It's so stupid.

I can't do it anymore.

I can't do this shit sober.

I can't get within 50 yards of a Sky Zone but...

I can't handle you right now.

I could really use some churchin' tonight.

I did what I needed to do to succeed, Amy.

I did what was best for the family.

I did. You gave me everything that I needed.

I didn't just ruin Christmas.

I didn't... Mom.

I do too.

I do too.

I don't care!

I don't care! Let go!

I don't even know how I passed the drug test.

I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.

I don't even like his mom.

I don't gamble anymore.

I don't know any of you. Please leave my house.

I don't know what it is about you, I just...

I don't know, I I didn't wanna

I don't know, I I kind of like it.

I don't know, mom! Anything! Make some friends!

I don't know, mom.

I don't know.

I don't know. It's kind of a big deal.

I don't really know what year it is.

I don't think that you're worthless.

I don't think you mean that.

I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

I don't want you to meet my mom.

I feel like it's better if I, I do it through

I feel like such a Jew.

I feel like you're easy to talk to, you know?

I feel the same way, Ty.

I felt like we were drifting apart.

I gave my coffee guy a scented candle this year.

I give it to you again 'cause I'm an idiot.

I got it at Lady Foot Locker.

I got it, but we play. We play.

I got so wrapped up in fighting with my mom

I got you seasons one through six of "The Walking Dead."

I gotta get back to Cleveland tomorrow.

I had a little help.

I have a really strict code.

I have bird flu.

I have cancer.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I haven't eaten in three days.

I hear he's not even that expensive anymore.

I heard you and daddy in the bedroom

I honestly think that he's... the one.

I hope you're happy.

I I can't tell you the number of times she said to me...

I I haven't had time to get one yet.

I I haven't made up the guest bedroom or anything.

I I I guess it just fell through the cracks.

I I wanted a mellow Christmas

I it actually really was.

I just had a really dumb idea.

I just think it's appropriate, given how much

I just wanna enjoy Christmas again.

I just wanna know what's going on in your life.

I just wanted to let you know

I just, I want you to know that I finally

I just, uh...

I just...

I just... I can't.

I knew it.

I know his brain is the size of a walnut

I know I can be a little psycho sometimes.

I know it's just a doll, but God.

I know, but, mom, this is starting

I know, Thunder Down Under

I know.

I know. And I know. And and you should. You should have a...

I know. I had a Welch's right before bed.

I know. I know.

I know. It's gonna be... Oh, look, someone's having a party.

I like that, but hold that thought.

I literally feel like

I looked down at her and I said

I lost sight of my kids.

I love her more now than I did the day we got married.

I love you so much. I do.

I love you, girl.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. I love you, too, guys.

I made her a birthday card.

I mean, I...

I mean, it is Christmas.

I mean, it's like, I go to the mall

I mean, just 'cause I'm a girl?

I mean, most... people

I mean, my mom got her hair cut

I mean, s s she's so bossy

I mean, she spends all her time

I mean, there's no way he's gonna choose

I mean, this is not everything you asked for, but...

I mean, we can invite all of my old friends

I mean, we're not even Russian.

I mean, your kids are so happy.

I miss you, too.

I miss you, you know?

I need you guys to tell me

I need you out of my house

I never met my parents.

I never went to a place like this when I was a kid.

I promised my kids

I really appreciate that.

I really didn't.

I really have my shit together now.

I really miss your dad on Christmas.

I really want you to know... that you did great.

I repeat, I am drunk and horny!

I responded to this fire at a strip club.

I ruined Christmas.

I ruined my family.

I spend months picking out the perfect gift

I still have to go Christmas tree shopping

I still I still got lots left to do, but...

I stood up to her, and she totally backed down.

I swear to God, Hank.

I think I'm the fucked up one in this group

I think my mother's gonna kill me in the middle of the night.

I think that's pretty normal, right?

I think we should hit that hard.

I think you're a great mom.

I think you're fucking amazing.

I think, uh, we would, we would like to be

I thought so.

I thought you hated him.

I thought you weren't coming until Friday.

I used to have one just like it.

I usually sleep with my husband now.

I visit her on other occasions

I wanna be more like you.

I wanna throw an enormous Christmas party at your house.

I wanna work this out with you.

I want to celebrate my triumphant return to Chicago.

I was wondering if, uh...

I will always be there for you.

I will drive you to a fire station

I will never let you forget this.

I will pay you back, I swear.

I wish I could, but my mother's making us

I wish I was as close to you as you are to your kids.

I wish I'd brought my purse.

I wish. I wish I had a girlfriend.

I woke up in a park this morning.

I work at a spa.

I would actually really like that.

I would love to go to your show.

I wouldn't do Christmas like this!

I wouldn't want to impose.

I, uh...

I, uh... Bag of ice for you.

I, um...

I'd hoped we'd all be off book by now.

I'd, I'd wax your balls for free.

I'll get your toothbrush ready.

I'll hold my butt crack open for you anytime you want, Carla.

I'll put a filter on it, so you don't look so tired.

I'm also basically sorry.

I'm asking you that seriously 'cause I got so wasted

I'm doing the best I can, Charmaine!

I'm gonna black out.

I'm gonna come check on you guys in a little while.

I'm gonna fuck his dick off tonight.

I'm gonna go back to Bismarck where I belong.

I'm gonna go kill myself, so...

I'm gonna have to redouble my efforts.

I'm gonna kill her.

I'm gonna let your lazy shenanigans

I'm gonna move into your attic.

I'm gonna need a lot more...

I'm gonna run to the ladies' room

I'm gonna tell you exactly

I'm here to get my balls waxed.

I'm in need of a little space.

I'm in.

I'm intrigued.

I'm Jessie. I was literally just in the car with you.

I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty. I don't have a code!

I'm just saying, I think that we could benefit

I'm just trying out a new skin thing.

I'm just trying to give my grandchildren

I'm not dicking around.

I'm not dicking around.

I'm not trying to be mean to you, mom.

I'm not, I'm not fucking Beyoncé.

I'm not, I'm not phoning it in.

I'm so sorry, mom. I had... I had no idea.

I'm sorry we're late.

I'm sorry you're upset.

I'm sorry.

I'm still super rock and roll.

I'm tryin' to be more responsible and shit.

I'm trying to have an honest conversation

I'm waiting for my daughter to give me a free manicure.

I'm waxing your butthole.

I'm, like, pretty much her only family.

I've always loved Christmas.

I've been better actually, to tell you the truth. I...

I've been doing a lot of thinking

I've been putting up with your shit

I've heard so much about you.

If I have to wax one more pussy today

If it's cool with you, yeah.

If we're gonna win the Caroling Cup this year.

If you could just, uh, lift that penis up for me.

If you play your cards right, you could get

If you won't do it, then I will.

If you're still up for it, you know?

In about 245 years.

In an inspirational speech at some large public venue.

In front of the supermarket with you is...

In my entire family?

In my pants, I gotta say.

In their pajamas eating fudge.

In your face.

Into a spiral of fear, depression and drugs.

Is coupons for free back rubs.

Is ever good enough for that woman.

Is everything okay with you and mom?

Is for their kids to have an amazing Christmas.

Is it actually five hours long?

Is playing by the airport.

Is that normal? The best friend forever thing?

Is that Santa?

Is that your mom?

Is the is the pressure that we put on ourselves

Is the real "Nutcracker."

Is the sexiest of them all?

Isis is here.

Isis, Ruth and I are going to Las Vegas for New Year's.

Isn't for everybody.

It certainly was.

It doesn't mean I don't have feelings." Right?

It doesn't work like that a second time.

It is a key

It is not a time of year when moms sit around

It is possible that I should not

It smells like diapers in here.

It sounds like someone's yelling at us.

It was almost like waxing the balls of the Dalai Lama.

It was great! The Bulls won.

It was moon ice, you nasty bitch!

It will rattle the kids, and they could descend

It's a date.

It's all I've ever wanted.

It's Christmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve.

It's Christmas?

It's fucking spectacular!

It's insane!

It's it's about the fact that I'm a 34 year old woman

It's it's awful.

It's it's not about the house.

It's just how the world works. Okay? I can't fix that.

It's like living with Saddam Hussein.

It's much easier to do it this way.

It's my favorite time of the year.

It's not because she's vain.

It's okay it's okay, I guess. Yeah.

It's okay, just turn her around.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay. It's not a cigarette.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's pretty easy.

It's really nice having you here, grandma.

It's so important for you and Kent

It's so nice to meet you.

It's so weird.

It's the big show.

It's the premiere service in the city.

It's too bad you've given up on

It's, it's, it's... You know, it's because

Jane, you are the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Jaxon, honey, mama needs more hooch.

Jesus, look at you!

Just go for it, dude.

Just like that.

Just say it.

Just so she can lord it over people.

Kenny G's in my den.

Kent, get the kids out of here.

Kiki, I don't want a life separate from yours.

Kiki, you open your mouth, and then I'm like

Let go of the stupid tree!

Let go!

Let go! Let go!

Let's do that. Yes.

Let's get these out of the way.

Let's go slap some wieners, bitch!

Let's just not talk about this.

Let's not talk about my breasts.

Let's paint them all white.

Let's put the "ass" back.

Like I always do and then you started

Like maybe someday, somehow, we could be closer.

Like nine times.

Like she's not worthless.

Like she's, like she's loved.

Like she's, she's actually good at something.

Like the terrorist organization.

Like this until you beat the shit out of her.

Like when I'm hiding from someone.

Like... physically?

Like... Right?

Listen, I'll tell you the truth.

Listen, mom!

Little grown up game.

Living with mom.

Look at the size of that thing.

Look at those boobs.

Look how fucking hot you look!

Look, Christmas is supposed to be fun.

Look, I know this is your first Christmas

Look, I've been married to your mother for 36 years.

Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.

Making Christmas special is how you show

Maybe I should start at the beginning.

Maybe you can find it in your non cancerous heart

Me neither.

Merry Christmas, Carla.

Merry Christmas, children.

Merry Christmas, dad.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas, grandma and grandpa!

Merry Christmas, grandpa!

Merry Christmas, guys! Welcome to Sky Zone!

Merry Christmas, guys.

Merry Christmas, Kiki.

Merry Christmas, lady. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, mom.

Merry Christmas, mom.

Merry Christmas, Ty.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

Mm hm?

Mm hm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys. Let's get outta here.

Mm...

Mmm.