Bad Moms (2016) Edit

A D? But we worked so hard.

A special bake sale police force

About the advantages of year round school.

About the whole soccer thing.

Actually, you're just in time to give your candidate statement.

After meeting, after meeting.

Ah! (GRUNTS)

Al Pacino.

All I wanna do

All my kid wants to do with books is rip 'em in half.

All right, Amy, I want you to pretend to be Mike,

All right, get in the car.

All right, let's go!

All right, love. How was work?

All right, thank you, Gwendolyn.

All right, you know what?

All right. (TIRES SCREECHING)

All right. Showers on the left. Have fun, guys.

All the moms in school hate me,

ALL: (CHANTING) Amy! Amy! Amy!

ALL: (CHANTING) Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!

ALL: Yes!

Allow store bought holes.

Amazing.

Amy Mitchell!

Amy Mitchell. Yeah, Carla. Carla Dunkler.

Amy Mitchell's daughter got busted for drugs.

Amy plays football?

Amy, sit up.

Amy, where are you? The morning huddle started an hour ago.

Amy, would you like to... Yes, I would!

AMY: (CHUCKLES) Carla. A lot. My answer is a lot.

AMY: Don't worry. I've got a plan.

AMY: Here's the thing.

AMY: I live just outside of Chicago with my two kids,

AMY: I work at a super hip coffee company.

AMY: I'm not good at this public speaking.

AMY: Oh, my God. What's in this?

AMY: Oh, my gosh.

AMY: Oh, wow.

AMY: Oh!

AMY: Okay, I got four minutes to get Roscoe to the vet,

AMY: Okay. Okay. You can do this.

AMY: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Amy! This is not about the election.

Amy. AMY: What?

And all he cares about is baseball.

And blowing off work, and, oh, yeah,

And by that point, it's too late.

And dance classes and doctors' appointments,

And do you know why?

And don't dance walk.

And Dylan, here's your peanut free peanut butter for lunch.

And firing committee, right?

And he called me a dumb bitch.

And he's not even a real person.

And I am a complete and utter failure as a mother.

And I am going to destroy you.

And I am the only thing holding my family together,

And I am the president of the PTA. So...

And I can make life a living hell for you

And I cry in my car.

And I dropped him off at Arby's.

And I feel like we should just put that in the past

And I found it on the floor, and I picked it up and...

And I get to go to the hospital for two weeks

And I go, I wish, you know, I'd been more like that.

And I guess it's been going on for like 10 months.

And I have to take Vicodin every 20 minutes, and I'm not even in any pain.

And I know what you're made of.

And I know you better than anyone,

And I looked around, there was no Kathryn. (GASPS)

And I mean anything, just please call me.

And I promise you, you will be fine.

And I said,

And I sleep all day and I eat Jell O and I watch so much TV

And I think that our kids need a break, too, you guys.

And I try to work out once a week.

And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.

And I'm guessing a lot of you think that I'm a bad mom.

And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.

And I'm really proud of just her.

And I'm so nervous.

And I'm sorry for acting so crazy

And I'm very sorry, Principal, for how I answered the phone.

And if I'm elected, I promise you we are gonna do way less.

And it would just be raining dicks wherever I went.

And it'll be awful, and you'll be mean to girls,

And it's all covered by my insurance.

And let's body slam this bitch.

And make each other salad bowls?

And mentally unhinged alcoholic to be president of the PTA?

And Mike, I want you to pretend to be Amy.

And my boss is a fucking moron

And my poor dog has vertigo.

And no one takes a class or kicks a ball

And not on what you bring to the fucking bake sale.

And not talk about it.

And now I have to fight you.

And now you think the world owes you something,

And oh, my God, it's so amazing.

And our kids to be hyper stressed and over scheduled.

And prosecute the wrongdoers.

And say three things that you like about each other.

And she has Martha Stewart.

And she hasn't given me a blowie

And shove it up in my vagina.

And since only one bothered to show up,

And somehow you've done that.

And stop judging each other for once?

And stuff.

And talk, talk, talk, talk.

And the dog, God, I miss Roscoe so much.

And the final score was one to two.

And then I have to go home and clean out my son's hamster cage,

And then I put it on.

And then I put them in the weird plastic container.

And then there's PTA meetings,

And then this is the penis face. Okay? Mmm hmm.

And then we flew to L.A.

And then work yourself into the Latin guy.

And then you just go to town like it's a, you know...

And then you'll start a ska band,

And then you're in the hospital.

And there is a bag of our coffee in the hotel room.

And volunteering and parent teacher conferences.

And we protect our young.

And we would have the best days.

And what is up with these five standardized tests a week?

And whenever I think I'm actually starting to figure my kids out,

And you are gonna have to carry him until he gets home.

And you are gonna look at Gwendolyn and you are gonna say,

And you do all those insane projects.

And you go through their things. You have to.

And you gotta kind of work it,

And you have no fucking clue what you're doing,

And you know what? I don't think anyone does.

And you make pretty good calzone.

And you should be really proud.

And you'll grow this ironic mustache to look interesting,

And you're like, Oh, they're fine, they're fine,

And your dirty little children.

And your terrible style,

And, uh, I like that you came to therapy today.

And... (CHUCKLES)

Anyone could force their kids to play cello or speak Chinese

Anyway, I will be putting together... Thank you.

Are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.

Are these store bought donut holes, Amy?

Are we allowed to do that?

Are you fucking kidding me? Which is so not cool!

Are you guys gonna get divorced?

Are you having a senior moment?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you masturbating online with some chick?

Are you okay?

Are you shitting me right now?

Are you sure you can't stay a little bit longer?

Are you sure? Just no sudden movements.

Aren't you gonna make us breakfast?

As long as everybody does what they are supposed to do.

As long as it raises money, right?

At least once a day, I feel like the worst mom in the world,

Aw, I love you, guys!

Aw.

Aw.

Awesome. Awesome. Okay?

Baby, baby, look at me for one second.

Baby, baby....

Baby, here's your American history project I made you.

Baby, I believe you.

Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me, how can I make this better?

Baby, it's great, it's great,

Baby, please don't cry. Please... No, no, no, no, no.

Bang their husbands if they didn't show up, so...

Because at least, you know, they're firm.

Because being a mom today is impossible!

Because I am a fucking mom.

Because I want our school to be a place

Because I'm going to hit her where it counts.

Because I'm still trying to get laid.

Because my wife takes care of everything in the world for me.

Because she loved Al Pacino. I loved Al Pacino.

Because there was a man murdering men after raping them.

Because we have low self esteem.

Because we were young and in love.

Because what she wrote was fuckin' disturbing.

Because you said the clue word.

Because“.

Before my daily trip to the grocery store.

Before you guys, my only friend was that lady on Google Maps.

Bench the little dork.

Blaire and Gandhi.

Bottom line is,

Brought a great bottle of wine,

But as a human being with two fuckin' eyes in my head,

But as a token of appreciation

But he will, uncontrollably, for the next 36 hours.

But how long have you been doing this?

But I can't come home.

But I didn't break up our family to do it.

But I do get injured

But I feel like I'm screwing up all the time.

But I have to tell you, I just love you.

But I think we really have to ask ourselves,

But I will have justice for my little girl,

But I would let him go to town back there.

But I'm 32 years old and I'm the oldest person here by far.

But it doesn't.

But it ends now.

But it's supposed to be good for you, so...

But just remember you're only 12, so it's...

But most importantly,

But on the plus side, she left way too much cash,

But sometimes he feels like my third child.

But that's all the more reason we have to bring her down.

But wait, are we gonna go to therapy or what?

But we may need to find a new supermarket.

But we're gonna have to positively transition you.

But we're gonna play hooky today.

But when I say go, I mean, like actually go, like participate, cry.

But you fucked with my daughter,

But you won't actually be interesting, and I'm not okay with that.

But, no... (SCOFFS) My life is so not awesome.

But, yes, I'm firing you.

By making them go to school 365 days a year.

Bye bye, Mike. Honestly!

Bye Bye.

Bye, kids.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Jeff!

Camel toe moms.

Can I get a hug?

Can I give you a hug?

Can I go second? Okay. Yeah, sure.

Can you roll down the window? Okay. Okay, okay.

Cared for someone other than yourself,

Carla, look, look, look, look!

CARLA; No, Kiki.

CARLA: (GASPS) Somebody's here.

CARLA: Drink! Drink again!

CARLA: Honey, I don't know, what are you gonna wear?

CARLA: No, wait,

CARLA: Oh, feel lucky.

CARLA: Yo! Hey, it's Amy.

Carla. Carla! What, hon?

Cheers, ladies. Mmm.

Cheers.

Chop chop.

Claire killed our neighbor's ferret.

Coach says I'm not starting. I'm a benchwarmer.

Coach!

Come in, come in. I'm sorry, nobody's here yet.

Come on, bring it in. Bring it in.

Come on, Gwendolyn, your life is awesome.

Come on, Kiki, live a little.

Come on, now, school starts way too fucking early, okay?

Come tomorrow, 7:30, Meet the Candidate Night.

Cool, so the husband's at home with the kids? That's nice.

Cool. Okay.

Crap.

CROWD: Aw. (APPLAUSE)

Dale, why is there a security guard in my office?

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

Did she say it?

Did you hear? Dylan got a D on his science quiz.

Did you just say frittata?

Did you remember Maddie's backpack?

Did you say barfs? Yeah.

Digest it. Thanks.

Do we want someone who is that reckless and irresponsible

Do you go to all of his games?

Do you have feelings for her, Mike?

Do you have feelings for her?

Do you know the best thing about mom parties?

Do you know what I hate? Mmm?

Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean? My vagina.

Do you need extra help? Should we get you another tutor?

Do you think he had year round schooling?

Do you understand how hard it is

Do you understand me?

Does that make sense, honey? Yeah, it's great.

Doesn't mean they think you're terrible.

Doing your own homework from now on.

Dominic doesn't like you, Eric doesn't like you.

Don't do it, Amy. Fuck that!

Don't fuck the janitor at your kid's school.

Don't laugh. Wait, are you serious?

Don't punish your kids. Don't say no to your kids.

Don't touch my makeup.

Don't you fuckin' run from me! Don't you fuckin'...

Don't you miss them?

Drink again! Drink again, drink again!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Dumb motherfucker going off to college,

Dumb motherfucker going off to college,

Dylan, baby, how was your science quiz?

Dylan, you know the hotel has TVs.

DYLAN: Ooh!

Easter Bunny. Tooth Fairy. (CHUCKLES)

Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

Emergency PTA meeting tonight. Tell all your friends.

Emergency PTA meeting tonight. Tell all your friends.

Even he's a better parent than you.

Even though it's a total waste of time and money, I will go to therapy.

Everyone just barfs the whole time.

Everything looks so beautiful.

Excuse me, Coach?

Excuse me? (LAUGHING)

Excuse me. Okay.

Explosive diarrhea!

Eyes here so I know you're hearing me. PARTY GUESTS: Shh.

Fine. Jesus!

First of all, I just wanna say this,

First of all, you are so not a failure as a mother.

Five cents.

Food out for Santa Claus.

For real? I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game.

For starters... (SNIFFLES)

For the bake sale police force?

For the first time in 12 years.

For the next two hours, I'm gonna talk to you guys

For those of you who have been living under a rock... (CHUCKLES)

For your six years with the company,

From all extra curricular activities.

Fuck it!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, it's so hot! Can you roll down...

Fuck, you guys, I literally have nothing, then.

Fuck!

Genghis Khan.

Get 'em up. Get 'em up.

Get in, get in, get in.

Get off your phone. Guess what?

Get out! What?

Get those tits up.

Get your boobs up. Get those tits right up.

Go for Carla. Hey, it's Amy,

Go, go, go, go!

God, he's so fucking hot.

God, I just don't know how you do it.

God, I just love how hard she works.

God, I would love that. I would love that.

God, no. Um...

God, they hate me.

God, this is a divorce, not a luxury vacation, Mike.

God, this movie's depressing.

God, you needed a break from school and soccer and...

Good morning, Dale.

Good morning.

Good to see you.

Good.

Gosh, no, I made them by hand

Great.

Great. Get out! Have fun. Bye bye.

Great. Oh.

Great. Yeah.

Gross!

Grow some balls! Jesus!

Gwendolyn decided to throw a competing party at her house.

Gwendolyn has been president of the PTA for the last six years.

Gwendolyn made me do it!

Gwendolyn, you have five minutes.

GWENDOLYN: No, honey,

GWENDOLYN: Okay, ladies? WOMAN: Yeah, let's go.

GWENDOLYN: Vicky, why are you so fuckin' stupid?

Have a drink, Kiki. Okay, yeah.

Have a great day at school!

Have a great meeting! Goodbye, Dale.

Have committed a felony hit and run.

Have fun with your little weirdo girlfriend on the Internet.

Have fun.

Have you seen my kid? He's like nine feet tall

Haven't you ever needed a break?

Having a quiet breakfast by myself.

Having sex with Lori Harkness' dad.

He sounds like an asshole.

He'll be fine for hours.

He's a sex criminal.

He's a successful mortgage broker,

He's fine. He's totally fine.

Hello, this is Amy.

Hello? Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.

Her giant bush is 2,000 miles away.

Here comes the hot widower.

Here you go. VICKY: I know.

Here, baby. There's your organic turkey club sandwich,

Here, honey. Take one. Vote for Amy. Really?

Hey now, big spender. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey, Amy, it's Dale.

Hey, Amy!

Hey, Amy. Hi.

Hey, babe. Hey... Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Hey, babe. It's late. I'm going to bed.

Hey, babe. It's late. I'm going to bed.

Hey, bitches! Get in.

Hey, Coach?

Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey. How was your day?

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Can I talk to you for a second?

Hey, Jackson.

Hey, Jessie. Hey, guys.

Hey, listen, I don't know nothin' about Gwendolyn James, all right?

Hey, so where's my science project?

Hey, we're having a PTA meeting today

Hey, we're sitting here. Move, move, sorry, move.

Hey, what can I get ya? Oh, Scotch.

Hey, what would happen if I came over Friday night,

Hey, will you guys give me, like, a second?

Hey!

Hey! I'm trying to do the right thing!

Hey! Where are you going?

Hey! You know how important family is to me.

Hey. Hey, babe, listen.

Hi, guys! Guys, um...

Hi, Gwendolyn. Hi, how are you?

Hi, honey. KENT: Kiki.

Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.

Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you. Come in, come in, come in.

Hi, I'm Sharon.

Hi, would you ladies like a Jell O shot?

Hi, yeah. Can I go down on you again?

Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Where are you comin' in from?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Kent, hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hit her with it, G.

Hold on a second. I don't think I've done anything wrong.

Hold on one second!

Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra! Ooh.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit. Wait. Wait. Wait. ls that...

Honey, baby, hold on.

Honey, do you know what entitled means?

Honey, I know that you're mad.

Honey, I need you to look at me, just look at me, okay?

Honey, I would never embarrass you.

Honey? Honey, are you okay?

How about we go to brunch?

How are things in your home, Amy?

How dare you bench my daughter?

How do I handle it?

How do you expect me... Mike, you know what?

How do you know?

How do you think that your divorce affected your kid?

How good did that feel? That felt good, didn't it?

How is he doing? He's fine.

How is that a problem?

How would you like to try these special meatballs?

How'd it go? Oh, horrible.

I actually think Carla may have booty texted you off my phone.

I almost forgot! Where is he going?

I am a middle school soccercoach.

I am a slow learner, remember?

I am Gwendolyn James.

I am the president of the PTA,

I am the proud mommy to two beautiful daughters,

I appreciate it.

I bet. I bet. Uh...

I can't believe Gwendolyn would do this.

I can't believe I'm gonna be late to my first soccer practice.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't do this. You gotta come home right now.

I can't seem to locate my safety belt back here.

I can't tell my twins apart!

I can't. I mean, I have to iron Kent's underwear.

I caught Mike having an affair online with a woman,

I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the shit out of it!

I did some mistakes, but the end, I can see it's not as bad.

I didn't even ask if it was a boy or a girl.

I didn't want her to bang my husband.

I don't even have kids!

I don't even remember the last time we had sex.

I don't know, I don't know, Mike.

I don't know.

I don't like you, and the dog doesn't like you.

I don't love you anymore.

I don't shit.

I don't think those are the only two options.

I don't understand this game.

I don't... I don't know what's been going on with you,

I feel like Beyoncé Knowles.

I feel like everything that comes out of your mouth is a cry for help.

I feel like maybe he missed that.

I find Tom Selleck's work to be extremely erotic.

I found marijuana cigarettes in your daughter's locker.

I fucked Vin Diesel when he was in town doing Furious 6

I gave my kid $10 and a cell phone

I get it. You are so selfish, Mom.

I go to the casino. Yeah.

I got it wrote on my arm right there.

I got you a very special gift.

I got you back on the soccer team.

I had a very happy childhood.

I had my first kid when I was 20 years old,

I had such a great night. Bye!

I had the best childhood.

I had to pee.

I have been bruised and burned,

I have dreams about him braiding my hair.

I have four boats. (LAUGHS) Okay.

I have jackets, I have lots of 'em. We'll find it.

I have mom clothes, I have work clothes.

I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

I have no idea.

I have this in black. Do you guys wanna see it in black?

I have to live my life one quarter mile at a time.

I haven't felt this relaxed in, like, ever.

I heard someone calling my name.

I just asked for Demerol.

I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.

I just don't wanna be weird, okay?

I just found out Mike is staying with his Internet girlfriend.

I just fuckin' said that, Vicky.

I just needed a break.

I just really didn't have a clue about...

I just want you to know that no matter what happens,

I just wish I knew how I was doing, you know?

I kind of came up with it in the moment.

I knew you were gonna say that! Therapy is so dumb!

I know it's a school night, so we're just gonna get right down to it.

I know that was a really shitty thing to do.

I know there's a lot of rumors going around about my daughter.

I know! Shh. I can't believe you have a real job.

I know.

I know.

I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

I know. It's basically the only thing

I know. KIKI: Guys...

I let my 7 year old watch Mad Max.

I like my nanny better than I like my husband.

I like the word slutty. Put it on.

I like your spaghetti.

I literally don't know why we hang out with you anymore.

I love it.

I love it. Oh, I got an idea.

I love my babies so much!

I love my job,

I love that movie. (GASPS)

I love their hot fish sandwich.

I love these things. How much are they?

I love those girls.

I love you forever. I'm not into this kind of...

I love you guys. Mmm.

I love you kiddos. Be great, okay?

I love you so much. I'm so sorry.

I love you, Mommy.

I love you, too.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. Okay, okay, all right, all right.

I loved my childhood.

I made out with so many women tonight.

I mean, have a donut hole. They're delicious.

I mean, he wasn't always an asshole. I promise you.

I mean, I honestly don't know how you do it.

I mean, I sat here and watched you wait

I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.

I mean, I'm not a monster.

I mean, in theory, I'm not really into the butt thing,

I mean, it's just soccer. Right?

I mean, Mom, I swear to God, they're not mine.

I mean, they turn away Asians.

I mean, we all pretended like it was an accident, but it wasn't.

I mean, what the fuck is this? Russia?

I mean, what the fuck is this? Russia?

I mean, with your weird outbursts

I mean, you guys, she's a bully!

I might as well just become a teacher.

I might have asked around about you a little bit.

I miss the kids.

I need this. This is my time. Do you know what I mean? (CELL PHONE RINGS)

I need to go to this party.

I need you to know that your dad loves you.

I never doubted her. I never doubted her.

I never should've left you. That was a total dick move.

I promise you I will get her back on the soccer team, all right?

I quit.

I really do. Amy!

I really enjoyed it. Thank you.

I really like whippets.

I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way. That was incredible.

I say we go punch that chick right in the tits.

I screwed up my daughter's first day at soccer

I slept in late, skipped my workout, had, like, four donuts.

I start my day with six of these.

I suck at this. I just wanna go home.

I swallowed a pen cap again.

I think I got pregnant. (LAUGHS)

I think it's for the best.

I think not.

I think we're all bad moms, and you know why?

I think we're gonna have Amy Mitchell!

I thought, What's that?

I threw my son's violin in the garbage.

I told these kids,

I usually end up eating a shitty lunch at my desk,

I walk over to the coffee maker

I wanna be a single mom. No, it's fuckin' awesome.

I wanna get laid.

I wanna introduce you to your next PTA president...

I was a little looser, but too loose in many ways.

I was really hoping you'd say that.

I was, um... I was grocery shopping

I will do whatever it takes to keep this family together.

I will even fight you in the parking lot of Trader Joe's.

I will fight you in the playground.

I would give her whiskey.

I would give you so many blowies

I would just be all, you know, upset

I would literally die for them right now.

I, uh...

I'll fuck your husband if you don't go. I'll fuck him!

I'll see you after school. Be good, okay?

I'll start sometime next week. Thanks. Bye bye.

I'll think about it.

I'm actually really, really good. Yeah.

I'm already here.

I'm already there. I mean, oh, my God,

I'm also very scared of her.

I'm cumming.

I'm glad I ran into you. This is really nice.

I'm going to the fucking PTA meeting with my fucking friends,

I'm gonna find it. Move. Move. Move, move, get me in here.

I'm gonna sit somewhere else. Okay.

I'm gonna take you back a little bit.

I'm having a quiet breakfast and reading the newspaper

I'm his wife.

I'm just addicted to them now.

I'm just gonna take these to go.

I'm just having lunch with my new friends.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I think she's a really good person.

I'm not gonna wear this sweatshirt ever again.

I'm on my way.

I'm really late to work.

I'm really sorry to interrupt, but, um, I just have to tell you,

I'm really trying to chill out more.

I'm so excited.

I'm so glad his wife died.

I'm so happy we found each other, you guys.

I'm so sick and tired of pretending like I do.

I'm so sorry that Jane is late. It is all my fault.

I'm so sorry, but I just don't.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I'm so sorry. Be right back.

I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You found what?

I'm talking fully naked, dick, balls...

I'm tellin' you, it was like boom, boom, click. (MOANING)

I'm thinking, oh, my God, that was bad!

I'm with you. Emergency PTA meeting.

I'm...

I've actually never felt better.

I've always wanted to be you, actually.

I've had a really long day.

I've never even touched her.

If I were you, I would start with maybe

If you want me to work more, then you should pay me to do that.

In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.

In particular, Amy Mitchell's daughter, Jane.

In this day and age, it's impossible to be a good mom.

Introduce yourself.

Investigating the underworld of S&M gay clubs

Is it fun being a single mom?

Is it hard to share your son with your ex husband?

Is it that bad?

Is make enough money to feed my cats and fill my fuckin' Prius.

Is that allowed? No.

Is that Arby's?

Is that from... Yeah. The Fast and Furious.

Is that what it is? Mmm hmm.

Is this a joke?

Is this seat taken?

Is you don't know whether or not you're doing a good job

Isn't that your job?

It absolutely is my job, and I was just about to leave, so,

It is a miracle.

It means that Mommy and Daddy have been spoiling you,

It might not have been actually Vin Diesel,

It said fuckin' emu!

It should be about two to three hours.

It was about a family coming together.

It was just dick, dick, dick, dick,

It was really good. Thank you.

It was so hot. Oh, gosh.

It was, like, forecast, lot of cock!

It worked out perfectly.

It's a hummus wrap with some kale.

It's a safe hotel.

It's actually really helpful.

It's all good.

It's because we love our kids.

It's because we love our stupid,

It's been nice talking to you, Martha, but I have things to do.

It's just awesome.

It's just that the PTA

It's Kiki, right?

It's like a nun's closet.

It's like finding a gun in the street.

It's my favorite.

It's not a reading game! (CARLA LAUGHING)

It's not your fault.

It's nuts being a mom, guys. (BLOWS NOSE)

It's so cute.

It's very exciting! (CARLA AND AMY WHOOPING)

Jane, go! Go, go, go, go!

Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait! How was your soccer tryouts?

Jessie! What are you guys doing here?

Jesus, Miss Wiggins fuckin' hates me.

Jesus, you look like a bag of dicks.

Just 'cause they're not responding

Just don't be such a mom. Okay.

Just don't freak out.

Just imagine for a second that this is the hood of the uncut cook

Just joined ISIS, and he's a Jew!

Just less bullshit!

Just nice and slow.

Just out of nowhere.

Just please don't make a scene.

Just scream and get outta there!

Just take that and have a wonderful day, you guys.

Just tell me about your day.

Just try it. Try it.

Just try to act half normal and you are gonna get laid.

Kent and I have sex every Friday night after Blue Bloods

Kent is a never hard.

Kiki, get your shit together. Oh, my God.

Kiki, she messed with my kid. I can't let that stand. Come on!

KIKI: Come on, Amy. Come on,

KIKI: It's such a good film.

KIKI: Me too.

KIKI: Oh, I think that's like a speech.

KIKI: Right, but all the different mom groups

KIKI: Thank you. AMY: Martha.

KIKI: That's when you say it.

KIKI: This is a terrible idea, Amy.

Kiki?

Kiki. Kiki...