Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) Edit

A couple days.

A friend wrote it, so...

A fucking Buick.

A fucking Datsun,

A fucking Mustang,

A fucking Toyota,

A little Mexican trip.

Again, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.

All I'm going to have around to prove that I was here

All passengers wishing further information,

All right, 75.

All right, I'll pay cash. Cash.

All right, you son of a bitch. This is my cab! Out!

All right!

All right! Pull over!

All right.

All right. Okay.

All right. Who knows a tune here? Who wants to sing a tune?

And a Casio.

And a gasoline card.

And across a fucking runway

And as a result it's very hard to say with any degree of accuracy

And before I could get in it, you stole it.

And flights will be moving out of there very shortly.

And for that I'm really sorry. I am and it'll never happen again.

And Grandma and Grandpa gonna come?

And I don't care for the accusation.

And I don't think we should, since it's Thanksgiving.

And I owe you some of this, too.

And I really don't care for the way

And I'd say: Cause I've been with Del Griffith.

And I'll do the crescent rolls, and you do the cranberries.

And I've got the deal of a lifetime for you. Do you have a minute?

And if they told you wolverines would make good house pets,

And if you've got reservations...

And it's clear as a bell. Don't ask me how.

And someone who'll listen to your boring stories.

And somewhere around here is my little baby boy, Seth.

And thanks for the ticket.

And the storm brought us here.

And then I have to hike 3 miles back to find out they don't have any more cars?

And what do I do?

And you are?

And you have a happy Thanksgiving.

And...

And... a little late.

Another couple of balls and an extra set of fingers?

Anyone who would pay $50 for a cab...

Anything. Anything will do.

Anyway you slice it, the odds are we're going to have our turkey roll right here.

Anyway, it's been interesting.

Are we there yet?

Are you all right?

Are you all right?

Are you all right? What happened?

Are you Gus' son?

As soon as we got off the plane, you called home,

At the absolute minimum,

At the very least,

At the very least, the absolute minimum,

Back in the fourth century.

Bears've got a great team this year. They're gonna go all the way.

Beats walking, huh?

Beautiful country though, isn't it?

Because when we stopped to gas up,

Because why?

Because you get Indian burns.

Because!

Best in the world.

Between two pillows.

Boy, you are an ungrateful jackass.

Boy. You are one lucky guy, Neal.

Burt Dingman. A buddy of mine. He works for the railroad.

But I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

But I guess...

But I prefer noogies.

But I want you help him up.

But I'm decent enough not to bring them up.

But she's strong.

But they are replicas. Very good replicas, too.

But with the discount, it'll come out even.

But you didn't give me your address. What was I supposed to do?

But...

But... after all is said and done,

By saying you are one unique individual.

By the way, I called a good friend of mine at Eastern Airlines.

By the way, you know, when you're telling these little stories,

Cab! Cab!

Can't you see we've got an injured man down on the street?

Chalmer's Big and Tall Men's Shoppe.

Come on!

Come on. Here we go.

Come out sideways.

Come to think of it, It was awful easy to get a cab during rush hour.

Could I offer you $10 for it?

Count it!

Count it!

Daddy!

Del Griffith, I want you to meet my father in law, Walt...

Del Griffith! How the hell are you?

Del, it's a gift.

Del, what are you doing here?

Del?

Del.

Depending on which way he goes.

Did you book a room yet?

Did you call the airline?

Did you call the wife?

Didn't that give you some sort of clue like,

Dig it.

Diner's...

Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?

Do you have a bad back?

Do you have a major credit card?

Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had?

Do you know of any other motel...

Do you think Grandpa Walt's gonna give me a noogie?

Don't race. It's ridiculous.

Done.

Doobie, is it much farther?

Due to severe weather in Chicago.

Evening, Gus.

EventualIy I started reading the vomit bag?

Everything's booked solid, but they said I have a good chance of getting on standby.

Exactly how fast we were going.

Except I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Fine...

First you delay me, then you bump me.

Flight delay.

For days, I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face.

For the Grand Wizard of China

Forget it.

Four fucking wheels and a seat.

Funnily enough, I was just talking to my friend about that.

Funny as that may seem, with all this mess,

Gee, it must be swell to be so perfect and odor free.

Gee, that's funny. That's funny.

Get in!

Get me on the train, we're square.

Get off of me.

Get your lazy behind out here and put that trunk on the back.

Give him the goddamn glove!

Give it a good push now.

Give it back!

Go for another one?

Go right ahead, if it makes you feel any better.

Go to Jamaica. Have some rum, man.

Go!

Gobble gobble.

God, I got a big mouth.

God, I hope there isn't a next time.

God, you're a tight ass.

God!

God.

Goddamn it!

Goddamn!

Good luck to you and I hope you get home soon.

Good night.

Good night.

Good.

Grab an end of this thing, will you? Thanks, thanks a lot.

Grab those. I'm going to kick them off.

Great legacy, huh?

Great stuff.

Great.

Gus, I told my friend here you'd be able to fix him up with a room tonight.

Gus, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. This is Neal Page.

Happy holidays.

Happy holidays.

Have a good holiday.

Have a happy holiday.

Have a point.

Have a seat.

Have mercy.

He didn't take the credit cards, right?

He owes me a favor.

He says we're going the wrong way.

He stole it!

He wants something.

He's going to kill somebody!

He's got some amusing anecdotes for you.

He's probably drunk.

Hello, Mr. Griffith.

Hello.

Her first baby

Here okay? How about over there?

Here we go.

Here you go. Coming up.

Here's a good idea.

Here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it.

Here's two.

Hey, maybe this guy's not enjoying it?

Hey, Neal, take my socks out of the sink if you're going to brush your teeth, all right?

Hey, the car's not there!

Hey, we're lucky we got a ticket.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, you know it.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey, that's my cab!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hi, Larry.

Hi, Liz.

Hi.

Hi.

Hiya, kiddo.

Hmm? Yeah.

Holy shit! Look at that guy on the wrong side of the highway!

Honey, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.

Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith.

Hostile and intolerant.

How about a nice hot dog and a beer?

How about... $17?

How are you?

How can you break a car seat. It's impossible.

How could you rent the thing anyway without a credit card?

How do you do, ma'am? My name's Del Griffith.

How fast are you going?

How I am supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency

How may I help you?

How much further?

How would he know where we're going?

How would you like a mouthful of teeth?

How's your drink?

However, the radio still works.

However...

Huh?

I almost crushed your head like a melon.

I also listen too much.

I am sorry.

I am, without a doubt,

I called the Braidwood Inn.

I can take anything.

I can vouch for that.

I can't do that.

I can't forget it.

I can't let you go ahead in this vehicle.

I can't reach my feet to get my shoes off.

I can't relax if I got my shoes on.

I can't tell. The speedometer's melted.

I can't!

I cause him more trouble than he has a right to.

I could be a cold hearted cynic like you.

I could tolerate any insurance seminar.

I couldn't get in anywhere.

I didn't take your money.

I didn't touch you dough, Neal. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a thief.

I do not play with my balls.

I don't care to breathe your foot odor. Leave the shoes on!

I don't care, just so the heater's working.

I don't have a good nature. Excuse me.

I don't have a home.

I don't have the $42.50.

I don't need them. I get in the elevator, I get on a taxi, I get on a plane and I'm home.

I don't understand what Wichita has to do with a snowstorm in Chicago?

I don't want a refund. I want a seat in first class,

I don't... I don't... I don't own the place.

I even let you pay for it, so you wouldn't feel like an intruder,

I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know,

I feel like a big whopper.

I gave this gal behind the counter a set of shower curtain rings.

I go overboard.

I got a car, no sweat at all.

I got a family waiting for me. I'll get home.

I got a motto: Like your work, love your wife.

I got a slight problem here.

I got an idea.

I got the seat right where I want it.

I got things to do.

I got to send you the money to pay you back for this ticket.

I guess this is probably as good a time as any to tell you this.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

I had no idea that was your cab.

I had no idea those beer cans were gonna blow like that.

I had no money, I had no cards, I had nothing.

I had over $700 in here.

I hailed a cab on Park Avenue this afternoon,

I have $2.00 and...

I have amaretto, and this is a gin.

I have...

I haven't been home in years.

I haven't been home in years.

I haven't been home in years.

I knew I knew you.

I know all about it. I must have half your flight booked in already.

I know it's not pretty to look at, but it'll get you where you want to go.

I know this is your cab, but I am desperately late for a plane and I was wondering

I know what you mean.

I know you, don't I?

I know, I know, but he's proud of his town.

I know.

I know. I called all the airlines.

I like... I like me.

I like... I like me.

I mean not just a little bit.

I mean you couldn't. How could you do it?

I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking,

I mean, good luck turning the car in.

I mean, that was close.

I meet someone whose company I really enjoy,

I missed that one.

I need one room.

I never did introduce myself.

I put the card back in your wallet.

I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

I really don't think that's any of your concern.

I said I'was going to get you home.

I see.

I sell shower curtain rings.

I smother the poor soul.

I talk too much.

I think I'm just going to take care of this and I think I'm going to get going.

I think we have to rock it a bit.

I thought it would be a lot worse than this.

I thought you put it there.

I threw it away.

I told Susan I'd be home by 9:00.

I walked into your life? Who was that who talked my ear off on the plane?

I want a fucking car

I was having a prefectly nice trip, untill you walked into my life.

I wish you were here with me right now.

I...

I'd go barefoot!

I'd switch pillows with you, but I'm allergic to sponge.

I'll get that. I paid for everything else.

I'll have to burn the sheets!

I'll make sure you get a room for the night.

I'll need a major credit card.

I'll see you.

I'll take 50.

I'll wait up for you.

I'm a little wiser, too. So...

I'm afraid to look at my ass, you know.

I'm going be unable to get my friend here home in time for his Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm going to have those griddle marks on my ass.

I'm in Wichita.

I'm in Wichita.

I'm Marti Page, and I'm thankful

I'm not changing.

I'm not much of a conversationalist,

I'm not spending Thanksgiving in Wichita.

I'm Owen.

I'm putting my wallet in the glove compartment. Don't let me forget it.

I'm sorry to announce

I'm sorry. I can't help you. First class is full.

I'm sorry. I don't.

I'm sorry. That's terrible.

I'm sorry. Those...

I'm spending too much time away from home.

I'm sure one day I'm going to look back and laugh.

I'm usually very good with names,

I'm with the American Light and Fixture Company,

I've been spending too much time away from home.

I've been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.

I've got a bad allergy to it. I'd be sneezing all night with that thing.

I've got a Visa and a gasoline card.

I've got to get going now, so if you'll excuse me...

I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before.

I've never stolen anything in my life.

If I could I appeal to your good nature and ask you to let me have it.

If I don't clear my sinuses, I'll snore all night.

If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.

If we don't hit traffic.

If we wait for the flight.

If you impound our car,

If you want to pick up the cab fare,

If you're pissed at me, maybe we should get separate rooms.

If your kid spills his milk, what do you do, slap him in the head?

Iree, iree, man.

Is between success at work and success at home.

Is there something I can help you with?

Is this a coincidence or what?

Is this a good combo or what?

Isn't that something?

It didn't occur to you, so I have to sleep in a puddle of beer.

It didn't occur to you, so I have to sleep in a puddle of beer.

It doesn't look good.

It makes it so much more interesting for the listener.

It makes you look a little older, too.

It sure has.

It wasn't broken when I got out.

It's a seven outlet chain in the Pacific Northwest.

It's been a hell of a trip.

It's been a long day. It just didn't occur to me.

It's Daddy.

It's free and it's nonstop.

It's getting pretty hot in here. You ought to take your parka off.

It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll.

It's like not being there.

It's not a big enough word for how I feel about my wife.

It's the middle of the night.

It's very heavy.

Jamaica, man.

Jewelry division.

Just a hot dog, then.

Just a minute.

Just come on.

Just count it.

Just get me to the train station and I'll take care of everything else.

Just let me know. I'm here.

Just maybe when you went into it, you had to

Keep an eye on your brother.

Kindness?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Last room in the complex.

Latin for asshole?

Leave it be.

Leaves me in a 100 acre parking lot with keys to a car that isn't there,

Less than three hours, around there,

Let me make it up to you somehow, huh, please?

Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.

Look, I don't want to be rude, but...

Look, I won't stay long or anything.

Look, I've had just about enough of you.

Look, it's Thanksgiving.

Look, you've been under my skin since New York.

Looking outside, the weather's beginning to clear up now.

Love is not a big enough word.

Lovely, lovely.

Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did.

May I have your attention, please.?

May I see your rental agreement?

Maybe 40.

Maybe I'll just come in and say hi, and then I'll be on my way, all right?

Maybe we should just get my stuff off the road, huh?

Me, I'm going back to Jamaica.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Mid Central flight 909 to Chicago O'hare has been delayed.

My customers like me.

My dogs are barking today.

My pleasure.

My pleasure.

My wife likes me.

My wife likes me.

Neal, Neal. Check that out.

Neal! I need your address.

Neal? Hey, hey, Neal, wait up.

Neal.

Neal.

Neal's home!

Nice personality combination.

Nice to meet you.

No more than 45 though.

No, a little way to go yet.

No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I was going to send it back to you

No, I don't. I have...

No, I just want to sleep.

No, I meant, did you want to go first?

No, I really think we'll get to where we're going a lot faster if...

No, I'm at a motel. I spent the night with this guy I met on the plane.

No, I'm simply stating a fact, that's all.

No, it's a figure of speech.

No, mom's going to do the turkey.

No, no, no, no. Del.

No, not a one.

No, probably not.

No, thanks.

No, we lost that.

No.

No. It's not fit for the road.

Not by airplane.

Not necessarily.

Not now, anyway.

Now how the hell does this thing turn off?

Now take your seat.

Now, I'll move my car,

Now, I'm gonna go to sleep. All right.

Now, these, of course, aren't the originals,

Of course he's gonna give you a noogie. He loves to give you noogies.

Off your rosy fucking cheeks.

Oh, and hostile, too.

Oh, boy, this is comfortable. This is really comfortable.

Oh, boy, what?

Oh, boy.

Oh, bye bye.

Oh, come on, pal. You don't mean that.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come... come on.

Oh, damn it.

Oh, damn it. I left my gloves in Brian's office.

Oh, gee, Marie, you're a stitch.

Oh, geez.

Oh, gin.

Oh, God, I'm telling you.

Oh, God.

Oh, great. Great. A cop.

Oh, here, there. Anywhere's fine.

Oh, I got all that covered. Gus' son is going to pick us up.

Oh, I knew it.

Oh, I've got a Neiman Marcus card in case we want to buy a gift for someone.

Oh, like you'd keep it in there if you stole it.

Oh, my back!

Oh, my God!

Oh, never mind.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on now. What's the address?

Oh, no, no. We've got it.

Oh, no. Don't say that about yourself. That's not true, Neal. It really isn't true.

Oh, shit! 00:58:24,567 > 00:58:26,262 There you go.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that was good.

Oh, that's humor.

Oh, that's real humor.

Oh, there you go. That's pretty good. We're saving money already.

Oh, we almost hit a deer, that's all.

Oh, when that car blew up.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you've had about enough of me?

Okay, 86, wake up. You're going to block the line.

Okay, officer, I admit it. I broke the law.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Once you start screwing around with these damn things,

One.

Or interesting.

Or mildly amusing

Otherwise, you'd be lifting your schnutz to tie your shoes.

Our speedometer's melted

Our tickets are only good to St. Louis.

Ow! Just nipped. Little part.

Pardon me.

People train runs out of Stubbville.

Please contact the ticket agent.

Please.

Pleased to meet you both.

Potato chips.

Probably at my daughter's Thanksgiving pageant.

Pull over, buddy!

Pull over! Pull over!

Pull over.

Push, for Christ sake!

Remember what I said about going with the flow?

Reverse!

Right fucking now.

Right.

Right. Right.

Same to you.

Same to you.

Save your boarding pass and you'll get a refund on the difference.

Say hello to Marie for me. I feel like I know her.

Screw you!

She don't mind.

She's short and skinny,

She's sleeping in our house!

Shower curtain ring division.

Simple.

Sir, sir. Excuse me.

Sir?

Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.

So I figured he'd like to look around.

So I guess we're going to get those miniature marshmallows.

So they're very light.

So we charge our way home.

So what do you do for a living, Neal Page?

So, we can't sit there.

So...

So... Okay.

So... there you are.

Some coffee.

Some joker wants to race.

Somehow your...

Somehow, someday, our paths would cross again.

St. Louis to Chi town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass.

Starting with ripping off my cab.

Stick with me.

Take care of the luggage, will you, Doobie?

Tequila?

Than we have of getting a flight out of here before daybreak.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Thanks for the meal.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That feels better.

That I pull out and have to snap back.

That my dad's coming home for Thanksgiving.

That the radio is the only thing that's really working good.

That was fun, wasn't it?

That was Ray Charles doing The Mess Around.

That we're canceling flight 909

That'll be fine.

That's borderline criminal.

That's how he tells you that he loves you.

That's how Houdini died, you know.

That's it. It's $5.

That's just fine. Leave your shoes on.

That's my cab!

That's okay. I'm done, okay?

That's the understatement of the year.

That's why I carry my own pillow. It's hypoallergenic.

That's you.

The biggest pain in the butt that ever came down the pike.

The driver's a little freaky about people riding up in his cab.

The last thing I want to be remembered is as an annoying blabbermouth.

The shower curtain ring guy.

The trucks will meet you and they'll take you into Jefferson City.

The vehicle will be impounded

The whole...

Then leave it. If you want to leave it, fine.

Then quit screwing around with it.

Then you can give me a fucking automobile.

There's $263 in there.

There's a dollar more, then you can call me a thief.

There's no way on earth we're gonna get out of here tonight.

There's only a couple good positions.

They are filled with helium,

They didn't have two together.

They don't come back again.

They got 18 hours of air traffic backed up.

They'd say: How can you stand it?

They'll be able to buff this out no problem.

They're everywhere!

They're going to be happy as pigs in shit to see you.

They're not even amusing accidentally.

They're selling cosmetics, not curing cancer.

They're selling for $5 a pair. Two for $7.

Think it out. Just relax.

This is an autographed Darryl Strawberry earring.

This is Neal Page from Chicago.

This is not him, is it?

This is something you should have discussed with the ticket agent.

This is your Walter Cronkite moon ring.

This will help.

This you?

This your trunk?

Those are the precious moments, too.

Those aren't pillows!

Ticket's a gift.

To decide to reconvene after the holidays for a fresh look at the lab.

To get back here to have you smile at my fucking face.

To say the least.

To the wives!

To the wives.

Top of the morning, officer.

Traffic is resuming at O'Hare field,

Train don't run out of Wichita.

Trouble on the home front?

Turn around!

Turn me over. I'm done on this side.

Unfortunately, it does us no good here.

Until such time as it can be made safe for travel on state highway.

Up and down. Here we go. Ready?

V 5

Visa...

Was that seat hot or what?

We can laugh about it now. We're all right, you know.

We couldn't land in Chicago.

We had a small fire last night, but we caught in the nick of time.

We really...

We took off from New York, they closed Chicago, and we landed here.

We were alone.

We were on our way to Chicago from New York

We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt cheeks.

We're a pretty good team.

We're coming up half past the hour...

We're just going to make it.

We're moving now.

We've got it. We've got it already. It's done.

We've really gotten nowhere.

Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?

Welcome to Wichita.

Well, at least we're still sitting on over 100 beans from my brilliant idea.

Well, Del, you're a charmed man.

Well, go ahead, sleep in the lobby, see if I care.

Well, I do and it hurts like a bugger.

Well, I guess you're all fixed.

Well, I had over $700 in here. You went into my wallet for pizza.

Well, I'll have to charge you for a double,

Well, I'll remember that.

Well, I'll see you on the train.

Well, I'll tell you. As much trouble as I've had on this little journey,

Well, I'm still a million bucks shy of being a millionaire.

Well, if we can't sit up there, where are we supposed to ride?

Well, it's the holidays, I guess.

Well, let me just close this conversation

Well, Marie...

Well, our ship has come in.

Well, this isn't so bad.

Well, yeah. I can buy that. Sure. I guess.

Well, you think what you want about me.

Well?

Well...

What a moron.

What a night.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing?

What did I do to get hooked up with this guy?

What did you do here?

What do I do that bothers you?

What do you figure the temperature is?

What do you think? Yeah.

What have you got?

What if it was one of your friends, huh?

What if the shoe was on the other foot?

What is that?

What is that? Is that a tequila there?

What is unique?

What now?

What the hell are you driving?

What would make be happy is if you give your mouth a rest.

What you see is what you get.

What, seriously?

What, what, what? What is that supposed to mean?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?!

What's going on, is I am in Wichita.

What's going on, Neal?

What's the flight situation?

What's the point of busting my ass to catch the 6 o'clock flight?

When am I ever going to wake up?

When are Grandma and Grandpa

When do you think you'll be in?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where I was booked and ticketed over a month ago.

Where's your other hand?

Where've you been?

Which you most certainly are.

Who is it?

Who is it?

Who let you stay in the room?

Who told you to book a room? I did. Out of the goodness of my dumb old heart.

Who was that? I'm curious.

Why are you holding my hand?

Why aren't you going to the airport?

Why break precedent?

Why did you do this?

Why did you kiss my ear?

Why didn't you take the interstate?

Why do I feel like I am in summer camp?

Why doesn't he give me noogies?

Why don't you try the airlines? They are a lot faster and you get a free meal.

Why don't you wait and go out with me on the 8?

Why not?

Wichita, Kansas?

Wilma!

With whatever the rental car charge was, plus interest.

Would certainly pay $75.