Dick (1999) Edit

A jerk.

A jury today convicted G. Gordon Liddy and James McCord...

A lady's shoe salesman at Garfinkle's or some such place.

A list of creeps?

A lot of people want to know who our source is.

A source with proof that the Committee to Re elect the President...

A spokesman for the administration once again...

About Dick.

About yea high.

Absolutely wild.

Across from Garfinkle's.

Actually, it was just about the dog.

Again? They must never let him out.

Alive and famous. It makes perfect sense.

All right, he's not here. Let's go.

All right, I love Dick!

All right, settle down.

All's my mom says is that my dad died in a car crash before I was born.

Always hiding behind the goddamn First Amendment!

Am I bleeding?

And after our tour, we're having lunch at McDonald's.

And Carl Bernstein, Washington Post.

And don't ever come back here again!

And fourscore and seven years ago, our forefathers...

And he did ask us to be the official White House dog walkers.

And here they go and screw it up.

And I am sick of Woodward and Bernstein.

And I don't want to know what it is. Okay?

And I knew, right then, at that moment

And I said, "Your chocolate is in my peanut butter."

And I'm *******.

And if you stay, you're just as bad as he is.

And in all my years of public life, I can say...

And not my head

And number two: I just think you're cute.

And that this is the real thing.

And the cash for the payoffs.

And the White House knows about it.

And then there was that time...

And this isn't T.P.

And this one's kind of hunky.

And we could always un disappear him if we want to.

And we walked the dog. And Arlene was in love with Dick.

And we're American citizens.

And we're looking for the President's office...

And you're prejudiced, and you have a potty mouth!

Anybody home?

Anybody want some more Jell O?

Anyway...

Are these what I think they are?

Are you absolutely positive nothing is missing?

Are you insane? Or are your pants too tight?

Are you making those cookies?

Are you sure, man? Are we sure it's over?

Are you the President's dog trainer?

Aren't you students excited...

Arlene Lorenzo and l...

Arlene, I need to have time to review my letters.

Arlene, watch out!

Arrange a meeting.

As a matter of fact...

At first, we thought he was really nice.

B, B. Oh, my God, they're both together.

Because he cares about people, but also about nature and ecology.

Because I got contact lenses.

Because I think he's a spy for Dick. No guy like that would go for my mom.

Because of your thoughtlessness...

Because you see

Beer bong?

Benji, stop it. Get off!

Betsy Jobs, your turn to come on up and express yourself.

Betsy, are you okay?

Betsy, look.

Betsy, right.

Betsy, what're you doing?

Betsy?

Bob and I are very big fans of Guy Lombardo.

Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein...

Bottom line, Henry...

Bring me in some hard evidence and nail it down.

But Arlene and I are the ones who asked the President to stop the war.

But as President...

But he doesn't even have a tuxedo.

But I can't keep my feelings inside any longer.

But I do know one thing: Dick's ass is grass.

But I need to concentrate. Let me just look at them.

But I think that they're sexy.

But I've been thinking...

But it's coming from my heart

But it's in the White House.

But the main reason that I think you should pick me, Arlene Lorenzo...

But the only problem is that...

But they're really good.

But this is his house, right?

But we copied it down. Thirty words a minute.

But we really did meet the President. I swear to God.

But we've decided never to reveal your identity.

But what about Pat?

But you don't know anybody.

By the time you're grown, you'll be living in the Soviet Union of America!

C R E E P.

Call me Dick.

Can I help you?

Can I use your name?

Can we walk Checkers now?

Carl Bernstein. Tell me your story.

Carl's on the other line. We have a few questions we'd like to ask you.

Checkers pooped.

Checkers, shut up!

Code yellow, central corridor.

Come away with me.

Come back here, you little bitches!

Come here.

Come on in.

Come on, boy.

Come on, Checkers.

Congratulations.

Could I meet you?

CREEP has made up a list of who to pay off...

Current events.

Damn right it's hitting the fan.

Dean's a team player. He's not gonna cave in like that.

Dear Bobby:

Dear Bobby:

Deep Throat!

Deep Throat!

Deep Throat! Come here, Deep Throat boy!

Deep Throat.

Dick frightens me.

Dick is going down!

Dick's going down.

Didn't I fire him?

Do I have your word on that?

Do they know anything?

Do we bomb or not bomb? Let's get this done with today.

Do you mind?

Do you sell corn dogs at the mall?

Don't do this to me.

Don't ever touch me.

Don't forget the walnuts, man.

Don't squeeze the Charmin.

Don't talk to me.

Don't worry about that. I've got that right here.

Don't worry, Arlene.

Done! We're going upstairs.

Enough already. I am sick of Watergate.

Erase this shit.

Erlichman?

Even grades?

Every lie is another brick...

Except...

Excuse me a moment, Leonid.

Excuse me, I wasn't informed that you are in the middle of....

Excuse me, ladies.

Excuse me, Mr. Haldeman.

Excusez moi?

Executive.

Fifteen.

Figures that the pain in my ass is Nixon, the fascist.

Fine.

Four more years! Four more years!

French fries! French fries!

From now on, we're watching you like a hawk.

From the Homecoming dance.

G. Gordon Liddy isn't going to let down the President of the United States.

Get away from us!

Get down off of me, Checkers.

Get down off of me, you piece of shit!

Get some more sources on those names.

Girls! Arlene, Betsy!

Girls...

Give me a name, so when you call next, I'll know it's you.

Give me skin, Daddy.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. What do you have?

Go away!

Go, go, go!

Go!

Goddamn it!

Golly gee, fellas

Good boy.

Good for him.

Good question. I just....

Good.

Got hit by a garbage truck at the age of 24.

Grades...

Great. You know, I don't need this. I went to Yale.

Gross.

Guess what happened to us today!

Haldeman must have a son.

Hand Job.

Has something been on your mind lately?

Have a great day. Congratulations!

Have you guys been eating those cookies?

Have you paid them off yet?

He could.

He couldn't know.

He looks like he's wearing blush.

He records everything. It's in Rose Mary's desk. He's paranoid.

He reminds me of my brother.

He was probably married...

He's at the dermatologist.

He's been under a lot of stress lately.

He's leaving, all right.

He's maintaining?

He's the man who controls access to the leader of the free world.

He's the President, Betsy. He always means what he says.

He's way more distinguished now.

He's way weirder than the corn dog guy.

He's your dad's boss.

Hello Dollies, eh?

Hello Dollies!

Hello, Arlene.

Hello, dear.

Hello, Dolly

Hello, girls.

Hello, girls. How are you?

Hello, this is Bob Woodward.

Henry, Jesus, let's not start that.

Henry, that's the voice of the youth of America.

Here he is.

Here. I'll be back after lunch.

Here's the number one reason that I think

Here's the number one reason that I think that you should choose me...

Hey, German guy! Remember us?

Hey, mister!

Hi, Daddy!

Hi, Dick.

Hi, girls.

Hi, I'm Carl Bernstein.

Hi, Mr. President!

Hi, puppy. Nice puppy!

Hold it!

Hold on. We have a list of creeps. We got it at the White House.

Honey, did you leave the door open?

Honey...

Honey...

How are you?

How come there's little green leaves in the walnuts?

How come you get to meet Deep Throat? I'm the one who saw that movie.

How come you're home so early?

How could you let your dog eat that list?

How dare those people keep treating us like stupid teenage girls!

How dare you...

How did you know my name?

How goes it, paperboys?

How old are you?

How will I know you?

How would you two be interested in being...

How're you doing, young ladies?

Hunt's link to Colson is a problem.

I am so embarrassed.

I asked you to come to dinner 1 5 minutes ago.

I assure you, there's nothing like them in all the Soviet Union.

I came to make sure you were all right.

I can meet you there tomorrow at 9 p.m.

I can stop by the store on the way home.

I can't believe I ate that whole thing.

I can't believe this Watergate business runs so high up.

I can't believe you were talking that whole time.

I can't keep my feelings inside any longer.

I can't run this. You don't have it.

I can't.

I can't. I can't.

I could see it in your eyes

I don't believe it.

I don't have time to talk to her.

I don't know how many times we've done that.

I don't know what else for, so here's Arlene.

I don't know, but it doesn't look constitutional to me.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Do you think it's Dick?

I don't think about him that much.

I don't think the President of the U.S....

I don't think we'd reveal it on a little show like this.

I don't understand it at all.

I don't understand the title of that porno movie.

I got drafted.

I guess all the people on that list must be creeps.

I guess so.

I had you checked out.

I hate Dick!

I have deadlines. This is The Washington Post.

I have something to say.

I have to go now. Good night.

I have to go now. Goodbye.

I have to.

I honestly love you

I hope you left me some of those yummy cookies.

I just don't want this whole fucking Watergate business...

I just saw you on the street and thought you were cute.

I just told you. Bob Woodward.

I just want you to know...

I keep them mixed up with the walnuts.

I know that you have a lot of things on your mind...

I know them.

I know there is.

I know, I know! These guys!

I know.

I know. Would you look at all that shit?

I lied.

I love McDonald's so much!

I love you

I love you

I love your ears. Look at the ears!

I mean, all I asked for was a simple bugging, all right?

I mean, I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

I mean, the President.

I mean...

I must've pushed fast forward.

I need a drink.

I need a status report. Give me a 20 for gemstone. Over.

I need to go to the bathroom. Will you excuse me?

I need you to concentrate.

I never realized how much they all look alike.

I passed typing.

I realize you're married and that we can never really be together...

I really hope that this works.

I really like you.

I remember like it was yesterday.

I said, " Excuse me, your peanut butter is in my chocolate."

I swear to God...!

I talked to Dean, and he said it was true.

I taped them myself.

I think he's a vampire.

I think it was left.

I think it's time you told him how you feel.

I think maybe I could type faster than you.

I think people would like you better if you stopped the war.

I think they're having sex now.

I think we know what we're doing.

I think you've done enough, what with bumbling the burglary and all.

I thought we already got The Post.

I want to interrogate them.

I want to make sure it recorded.

I was in the market at lunch and we literally just crashed into each other.

I was wondering what we'll do with his crappy bed, dresser and nightstand.

I will, sir.

I would like to apologize for his actions.

I wouldn't put it exactly in that

I'll be the only person who's willing...

I'll buzz you up so that my mom doesn't hear.

I'll do it.

I'll have another of those

I'll take care of it.

I'll take care of it.

I'll take responsibility.

I'll take the one doing cartwheels.

I'll tell you the problem. The dog doesn't like me.

I'm a night owl.

I'm Betsy and this is Arlene, Mr. President.

I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

I'm familiar with these young ladies.

I'm feeling lightheaded.

I'm fine.

I'm his roommate at school.

I'm in here, dear.

I'm just trying to imagine here, what exactly...

I'm not supposed to tell you this.

I'm on hold!

I'm so busy that I sometimes forget about the rest of God's creatures.

I'm so sorry to interrupt you.

I'm sorry, Janet.

I'm sorry!

I'm the daughter of the British ambassador...

I'm tripping heavily already.

I'm wondering, are you ever going to tell anybody...

I've been dreaming about these.

I've got a way with young people. They trust me.

I've met someone.

I've never felt this way about anybody...

I've never felt this way about anyone...

If Haldeman has the tapes that Woodward and Bernstein want...

If he says the war is over, I think you can believe him.

If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was looking for something.

If it wasn't about makeup or Frankie Avalon, they didn't give a hoot.

If we could get that tape....

If you care for him at all...

If you flirt with him...

If you have a problem with Vietnam, talk to Johnson.

In 1974, President Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace...

In a series of events that rocked the nation...

Is the butter melting?

Is there something I can do for you...

Is there stuff about my father in there?

Isn't there somebody waiting out there for me?

It has been confirmed...

It is imperative that we put a freeze...

It is.

It sounded like him.

It was a jewel heist.

It was stupid of me to fall in love with Dick.

It won't protect them from me!

It's a line from a song.

It's a piece of paper with names and amounts of money on it.

It's a plot created by my enemies to disgrace me!

It's called incest, Arlene...

It's Carl Bernstein from The Post.

It's embroidered on your blouse.

It's fun being a Secret Youth Adviser.

It's gonna be okay.

It's happening.

It's just too embarrassing.

It's Magruder, Barker, Brown....

It's okay. You don't have to name any names.

It's really so funny how we met.

It's so nice to have you back Where you belong

It's starting.

It's that weird guy!

It's the new one, sir.

It's the President.

It's the tape.

It's to Haldeman. It has a list of names, amounts of money and dates.

It's too dangerous!

It's too late. We're not friends with him anymore, period!

It's too much of a coincidence.

It's unethical to take possession of the tape if it's stolen, but

It's your wife. She says it's rather urgent.

Jesus, Gordon, they're just little girls.

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jewel thieves!

Just pay off all your guys on that CREEP list.

Just putting out a little fire here.

Just say it, because I already know!

Ladies...

Lang.

Larry says they're just from the walnut tree.

Larry wasn't at Jake's house. Larry was at a porno movie.

Larry, stop it.

Let me get this straight. You're saying the President of the United States

Let's ask the President to stop the war.

Let's go.

Let's just get right to it.

Let's make Hello Dollies. It's my mom's special recipe.

Liddy says...

Like what?

Listen, people are counting on you!

Listen!

Look at that b

Look how cute you are. Come here.

Look, I found these old magazine clippings...

Look, there's somebody there.

Look!

Look.

Look.

Looks away. Doesn't look at me.

Make sure photographers are outside the restaurant...

Max, call the cops. Looks like we got a break in here.

Maybe he knows we talked to the " radical, muckraking bastards."

Maybe he loves you too, but he doesn't think you're interested.

Maybe that's why he's so paranoid.

Maybe they just didn't like my wife's taste in decorating.

McCord.

Me too. But from where?

Miss Spinnler?

Mr. Haldeman, it's your wife.

Mr. President, if I may.

Mr. President, maybe you should show the dog more affection.

Mr. President, really, we have to make a decision...

Mr. President, this is Arlene.

Mr. President?

My grandmother's pearls!

My head is about to explode!

My jewelry case wasn't touched, but they ripped apart the sofa cushions.

My life is so tragic.

My stash!

My sweet prince.

Never. No.

Nice painting of a boat.

Nice puppy!

Nice to see you.

No offense, but it's obvious you're being lied to.

No, Betsy, we're human beings.

No, I am not uptight.

No, I just don't believe it.

No, no, absolutely nothing. I don't know a thing.

No, really.

No, we prefer the news on TV. Thank you.

No. That's Brad.

Not around here.

Not if you sew it back together.

Not jewelry or the TV or Larry's pot or anything.

Not that I'm comparing myself to de Gaulle.

Not you, Henry.

Nothing.

Now everybody thinks that I'm a schmuck!

Now everybody thinks that I'm a schmuck!

Now that you mention it, people are talking about Watergate...

Now you can get my room, like you always wanted.

Now, Bob.

Oh, fudge!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, my God, it's so terrible.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Oh, my stars!

Oh, Myrna, you are something.

Oh, shit!

Okay, I don't need to hear any more of that, really.

Okay, I wouldn't go that far.

Okay, stop that.

Okay, who?

Okay, will do.

Okay, you just have to go first.

Okay. Dear Bobby:

On the record?

One minute, Henry.

One moment.

One more question, Mr. Liddy.

One of the mysteries of the 20th century...

Or I'll feed you to the Chinese!

Or not.

Our President has the weight of the free world on his shoulders...

Ow! That really hurt me.

Paid off the Watergate burglars.

Papier m‚chÈ is a hobby of mine.

Pat, will you stop snoring, goddamn it!

Please step back. If you don't comply, you'll be removed.

Point to what?

Point to what?

Poo poo.

President Nixon is said to be in seclusion with advisers.

Quick, tell me what your name is!

Really?

Really?

Really?

Really?

Rhoda Morgenstern.

Right, you're being watched. I understand.

Right, your pal, Tricky Dick.

Right.

Right.

Roderick, you're such a treasure.

Rose, these young You're very becoming this morning.

Sean Freshman?

Secret recipe, eh?

Secret, eh?

See if you can get any statements from them.

See, girls...

Settle down, Checkers.

She has something very personal to tell you.

She understands.

She's bumming...

She's finally asleep!

She's still out like a light.

Shit!

Shouldn't you call him King Timahoe, sir?

Show me which one.

Sing something.

Sir, I've met yams with more going on upstairs than those two.

Snot nosed Washington Post reporters...

So come to the table now, or I'll never fix you dinner again, ever!

So cute.

So in addition to being official dog walkers...

So let me tell you something. We are going to use any means.

So nobody'll ever see us and tell my mom.

So these girls are a threat to national security?

So what do we have so far?

So what's your point?

So you don't remember?

So you really think that my father could be alive?

So you would never want to do anything that might...

So you're the President's lawyer?

Some people think that Mick Jagger's lips are gross.

Something's in my ass.

Sorry, Mr. Haldeman.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sounds very important.

Sources are sources. Just because

Souvenir.

Step right here, actually.

Stick a needle in my eye!

Strictly small time. Never amounted to much.

Stuff.

Sure. Yeah, I'll say hi to the wife.

Swear to God?

Take care.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Betsy.

Thank you!

Thank you. Thanks.

Thanks. It's a secret recipe.

That guy has T.P. stuck to his shoe.

That is so disgusting.

That just makes it funnier.

That one lives in the Watergate.

That really hurt me.

That van's been right behind us since we left school. Don't look.

That was real special. Thank you. Give her a hand.

That's all right. I'm late for an interview anyway...

That's for me to know and you to find out.

That's okay, Chip.

That's the tape.

That's the whole point.

That's too bad.

The " radical, muckraking bastards."

The Attorney General is waiting upstairs, sir.

The deadline to enter the contest is midnight. We have to hurry.

The document you mentioned on the phone, it was written to Haldeman?

The dog ate it.

The gemstone is glistening.

The guy who's, like, kind of fleshy...

The information you gave

The names on the list?

The names! The information!

The people have got to know...

The President knew about it for sure, for absolute sure.

The President of the United States is bugging our houses...

The President trusts us with national issues."

The President wants us to walk his dog, Checkers.

The President will see you now.

The President's dog doesn't poop. He "does his business."

The war.

The White House

The whole kit and caboodle.

The whole story is way too convenient.

Then we heard him saying mean things about **** and using foul language.

There I was, and these two ladies were squeezing the Charmin.

There is an underground parking garage...

There is an underground parking garage...

There is another source.

There must be something you desire.

There they are.

There you go, Leonid. Hello, Dolly.

There's a Haldeman. And there's an Erlichman.

There's a man from The Washington Post on the phone for you.

There's a tape?

There's not a Hurlichman.

There's probably more in there than you know about yourselves.

There's something different about you.

There's this song by Olivia Newton John...

There's yelling. Are you in trouble?

Therefore...

These are scrumptious.

These are the guys that are writing all that stuff about Watergate.

These ladies want to see the President.

They actually saw documents being shredded?

They ate all of them and started giggling and went upstairs.

They don't get that it's a joke!

They hung up.

They only stole the Hello Dollies recipe.

They talked about hiding...

They walked in on the shredding.

They were in the Watergate last night. They know too much, Bob.

They were there the night of the break in.

They'll be back soon.

They'll crucify me if they hear this.

They'll never lie to us again.

They'll never lie to us again.

They're called Hello Dollies.

They're for the President.

They're like Club Med...

They're like this big couch made out of skin.

They're pulling everybody out of Vietnam. The war's over.

They're the liars here, you know!

This is all his fault.

This is Betsy, sir.

This is everything about him and us since we first met.

This is fun.

This is it. This is Haldeman's house.

This is our White House souvenir.

This way, we can get back in without having to go to the lobby.

Those radical, muckraking bastards, Woodward and Bernstein...

Tonight, my guests will answer that question.

Too much information's coming in. I have to maintain.

Tricky Dick's going down.

Unless you go on the record or have documentation....

Wait a minute.

Wait, let me see.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait!

Wait!

War is not healthy for children and other living things.

Washington Post.

Watergate, my ass!

We bake him cookies called Hello Dollies...

We can arrange for Hunt to disappear in Latin America.

We can get that.

We can't talk now.

We could hear him kicking the dog on the tape.

We could've gotten grounded for sneaking out.

We did it because we felt sorry for you.

We don't really have it right now.

We don't think you've been completely honest with us.

We finally have goods on Dick.

We gave them to Mom and Dad to taste.

We gotta hurry!

We have a mission.

We have a piece of paper.

We have a very important report on turquoise jewelry due in two days...

We have an urgent communiquÈ from Anderson Air Force Base.

We have the suspects in custody!

We have to figure out a way to get inside and find those tapes.

We have to get out of here!

We have to go.

We have to mail this letter. Go...

We have to talk to the President.

We haven't been separated since then.

We heard that tape!

We know things.

We look so fantastic.

We need to create new drugs.

We printed it, they denied it, and our other source backed out!

We printed it, they denied it, and our other source backed out!

We realized he was a jerk.

We should bake him cookies.

We should leave a message for Dick.

We wanted to thank you for letting us be your Secret Youth Advisers...

We went left because you couldn't go right.

We were the Secret Youth Advisers.

We'll be famous.

We'll be right there, Mom.

We'll count to 1 0. If you don't hang up, that's a confirmation.

We're being bugged

We're coming!

We're having a personal conversation.

We're here to play with Checkers. The President knows about it.

We're here to walk Checkers and talk to Dick about the war!

We're not interested in a subscription.

We're really sorry.

We're under a lot of pressure too.

We're walking the dog, Checkers, and we sort of got lost.

We've been robbed.

We've had discussions about foreign policy and....

We've talked about this.

Welcome on board. Hey, good to have you.

Well, " he" Iinks the President...

Well, a lot bigger names than you...

Well, all right. Grooving right along.

Well, at least he wasn't a liar.

Well, don't worry your pretty little heads. Okay?

Well, first of all, we're not telling you.

Well, I guess you're not, Bob.

Well, I guess...

Well, I have...

Well, I mean...

Well, I'm not "familiar" familiar. I know them.

Well, let's ask someone.

Well, until I used the bathroom just now.

Well, you liked Dick.

Well, your luck's about to change.

Well...

Well....

Were you followed?

What are they?