Mortdecai (2015) Edit

A 50 pound note.

A 50 pound note.

A beast... A beast...

A beast... A beast...

A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems to be

A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems to be

A bit of an acoustic nightmare.

A bit of noise, sir!

A bit of noise, sir!

A bit.

A bit.

A bit.

A bit.

A bottle of Chardonnay?

A bottle of Chardonnay?

A cargo flight to Los Angeles,

A cargo flight to Los Angeles,

A chap called Bunny's

A chap called Bunny's

A child! She spawned a child!

A child! She spawned a child!

A client with a mild curiosity, that's all.

A complete regimental listing of

A complete regimental listing of

A discussion about three...

A discussion about three...

A fake? How do you know?

A fugitive from a home

A fugitive from a home

A gross amount of what he thought was my Taylor '31.

A horrible mischief.

A horrible mischief.

A lovely Sheridan offered by the Mortdecai estate.

A lovely Sheridan offered by the Mortdecai estate.

A magnificent Callow of about 1840,

A magnificent Callow of about 1840,

A man your age has no excuse

A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more.

A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more.

A mint julep, sir.

A mint julep, sir.

A moustache is rather like eating an egg without salt.

A moustache is rather like eating an egg without salt.

A pair of rather flashy Varleys

A pair of rather flashy Varleys

A permanent fixture at

A permanent fixture at

A polychrome James Bourne, rare,

A polychrome James Bourne, rare,

A proper send off.

A proper send off.

A quick aside about Jock.

A rogue, perhaps, a scamp

A rogue, perhaps, a scamp

About my water.

About my water.

Actually, make that caviar.

Actually, make that caviar.

After a three year courtship,

After a three year courtship,

After an arduous crossing,

After an arduous crossing,

Ah, Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm heavy Jock.

Ah, thank you.

Ah, thank you.

Ah, there it is.

Ah, well done. Carry on.

Ah, well done. Carry on.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil!

Ah. Oh. Ooh.

Ah. Oh. Ooh.

Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh.

Alas,

Alas,

Alastair, what are you doing here?

Alastair.

Alastair.

Alastair.

All right, he's unpleasant. What of him?

All right, he's unpleasant. What of him?

All right, Queen and Country,

All right, Queen and Country,

All right. That gives us six...

All right. That gives us six...

All right. That gives us six...

All right. There.

All right. There.

All the while, my thoughts were only of home.

All the while, my thoughts were only of home.

All this mess on your own, now, would it?

All this mess on your own, now, would it?

Already have, madam.

Although it is terribly vital work.

Although it is terribly vital work.

Am I interested? (STAMMERING) I'm wildly interested.

Am I interested? I'm wildly interested.

Am I? Where are we?

Am I? Where are we?

Ambassador's residence in Moscow.

Ambassador's residence in Moscow.

An accurate reproduction because

An accurate reproduction because

An admirable job stomping all over the place.

An admirable job stomping all over the place.

An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer,

An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer,

An essential part of every gentleman's education.

An exquisite invitation, Your Grace,

An exquisite invitation, Your Grace,

And 10 percent of the insurance money

And 10 percent of the insurance money

And a dead hag.

And a dead hag.

And a teensy bit curious about his nympho daughter.

And a teensy bit curious about his nympho daughter.

And allow me to get some sleep, man? Please! Please!

And allow me to get some sleep, man? Please! Please!

And arrived on the set of a pornographic film.

And arrived on the set of a pornographic film.

And as a gentleman, I should warn you

And as a gentleman, I should warn you

And back, are we?

And became the stuff of legend.

And by the way, did I mention

And by the way, did I mention

And calibrated movements of the Swiss watch type. What?

And calibrated movements of the Swiss watch type. What?

And discovered something underneath.

And discovered something underneath.

And effort into this endeavor.

And effort into this endeavor.

And for your information, I am holding up

And for your information, I am holding up

And I called Spinoza, and then he arranged for everything,

And I called Spinoza, and then he arranged for everything,

And I gave them to the authorities.

And I gave them to the authorities.

And I have had every intention of seeing it through.

And I have had every intention of seeing it through.

And I mean dizzyingly complex,

And I mean dizzyingly complex,

And I shan't be having dinner downstairs this evening.

And I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf.

And I will have you know that some members

And I will have you know that some members

And I will have you two know that

And I will have you two know that

And I wondered...

And I wondered...

And I'm here, it's time for you and I to talk turkey.

And I'm here, it's time for you and I to talk turkey.

And I'm married and tired, you know.

And I'm married and tired, you know.

And I'm presented with a credit card.

And I'm presented with a credit card.

And if we try to sell it to Romanov,

And if you're quick about it,

And if you're quick about it,

And in charge, thank you very much.

And in exchange, he gives me a wide berth to ply my craft.

And in exchange, he gives me a wide berth to ply my craft.

And is halfway across the Atlantic.

And it wasn't his tadger.

And it will have to be a fiendishly clever plan.

And it will have to be a fiendishly clever plan.

And leave Johanna to me.

And leave Johanna to me.

And money changed hands.

And money changed hands.

And myself sleeping alone.

And myself sleeping alone.

And not parade them under everyone's nose!

And not parade them under everyone's nose!

And now Bronwen is as stiff as my Uncle Richard's hatband.

And now Bronwen is as stiff as my Uncle Richard's hatband.

And now, moving on to Lot Six.

And now, moving on to Lot Six.

And physically assaulted my person.

And physically assaulted my person.

And poke around a bit.

And poke around a bit.

And poured himself

And poured himself

And prosecute at random.

And protect my husband.

And protect my husband.

And retrieving a certain something in the process.

And retrieving a certain something in the process.

And see how you secret agent men run the world.

And see how you secret agent men run the world.

And she was, well, we were having

And she was, well, we were having

And ship off to America on credit.

And ship off to America on credit.

And so married... Oh!

And so married... Oh!

And started all that nasty business in Greece.

And started all that nasty business in Greece.

And takes the painting.

And that's because there's money involved.

And that's because there's money involved.

And that's why she got killed.

And that's why she got killed.

And the Ambassador's residence.

And the Ambassador's residence.

And the eyes and ears of the art world's underbelly.

And the eyes and ears of the art world's underbelly.

And the finest Edridge I have ever seen.

And the rumored possessor of the lost Goya.

And the secret bank accounts along with it.

And the secret bank accounts along with it.

And the vase.

And the vase.

And there are rumors that he inscribed on it

And there are rumors that he inscribed on it

And there is a vast difference.

And therefore it's imperative that we devise a plan.

And therefore it's imperative that we devise a plan.

And they say she was dressed as a man at the time.

And they say she was dressed as a man at the time.

And this little bit of magic

And this little bit of magic

And unreservedly offer my deepest...

And unreservedly offer my deepest...

And vodka so ice cold you need gloves to handle it.

And vodka so ice cold you need gloves to handle it.

And watch every art world snob in town drool all over her.

And we move on to Lot Four.

And we will be out a finder's fee.

And we will be out a finder's fee.

And we will find that painting if it is the last thing we do.

And we will find that painting if it is the last thing we do.

And what does a missing Goya

And what does a missing Goya

And what, pray tell, might you be doing

And what, pray tell, might you be doing

And work my greasy will upon you...

And work my greasy will upon you...

And yet we must find a way to pay

And yet we must find a way to pay

And you are?

And you are?

And you would like me to find it before he does?

And you would like me to find it before he does?

And your flight leaves... Ah, now.

And your flight leaves... Ah, now. (CHUCKLES)

Anonymously, of course.

Anonymously, of course.

Any blame here should fall on me.

Anything will do, I thank you.

Apple of my eye.

Apple of my eye.

Are we all done at 30 million pounds?

Are we all done at 30 million pounds?

Are we all done at 900,000?

Are you all right in there, darling?

Are you all right in there, darling?

Are you coming back to bed?

Are you coming back to bed?

Are you not having a little something to drink?

Are you not having a little something to drink?

Are you quite finished buggering around?

Are you quite finished with your barrage of insults?

Are you quite finished with your barrage of insults?

Are you quite finished with your barrage of insults?

Are you suggesting that I go to the Colonies?

Are you suggesting that I go to the Colonies?

Aren't you going to introduce us?

Aren't you going to introduce us?

Art restoring is a nasty business.

Art restoring is a nasty business.

As a finder's fee.

As it were?

As it were?

As you may well know, I am many things.

At least I have the good taste to hide my indiscretions

At least I have the good taste to hide my indiscretions

At least my focus at university wasn't plagiarism!

At least my focus at university wasn't plagiarism!

AUCTIONEER ON PA: Are we all done at 900,000?

AUCTIONEER: Five hundred thousand.

AUCTIONEER: Is that our final bid?

AUCTIONEER: Lot Five. Smiling Woman in a Chair.

AUCTIONEER: Now, can we go to 500?

AUCTIONEER: Ten million pounds from Lord Mortdecai himself.

AUCTIONEER: Thank you, madam, 500,000.

AUCTIONEER: Thirty five thousand pounds.

Autumn Master's Sale. We shall begin with Lot One.

Autumn Master's Sale. We shall begin with Lot One.

Back away from the painting.

Back away from the painting.

Back in their cars, please?

Back in their cars, please?

Bad news for you, Strago.

Bad news for you, Strago.

Balls.

Barnyard Friends. A lovely Helen Allingham,

Basically, they involved debt.

Basically, they involved debt.

Because I have a question for you, old bean.

Because I have a question for you, old bean.

Because I want, I will have.

Because I want, I will have.

Because if Martland should get

Because the assailant fired from here.

Because the assailant fired from here.

Because the original is hanging in the D'Orsay.

Because the original is hanging in the D'Orsay.

Been in tip top shape, don't you know?

Behold this America, this new colossus,

Behold this America, this new colossus,

Besides being the finest garage man

Better out than in. All right...

Better out than in. All right...

Beware the carafe on the top shelf.

Beware the carafe on the top shelf.

Bidding on her own painting.

Bidding on her own painting.

Bit of a moron, actually.

Bit of a moron, actually.

Bit of cheese to go with that?

Bit redundant, really, as he's dead.

Bit redundant, really, as he's dead.

Bloody good show, Jock!

Bloody good show, Jock!

Bloody nuisance.

Bloody nuisance.

Boiled egg whites,

Boiled egg whites,

Bollocks.

Bollocks.

Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer.

Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer.

Bronwen has found the lost Goya.

Bronwen has found the lost Goya.

Bronwen lied from the start.

Bronwen lied from the start.

Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf.

Bronwen?

Bronwen?

Bronwen's college?

Bronwen's college?

Bugger it. Oh, there he is.

Bugger it. Oh, there he is.

Bull's eye.

Bull's eye.

Bunny is a soldier in your unit?

Bunny is a soldier in your unit?

Bunny rolled it up in a carpet and didn't tell a soul.

Bunny.

Bunny.

But

But

But

But first we must convince our buyers

But first we must convince our buyers

But for those of us trying to get a bit of rest

But for those of us trying to get a bit of rest

But I can't find him.

But I can't find him.

But I do believe the embassy is that way.

But I do believe the embassy is that way.

But I don't see what it has to do with me.

But I don't see what it has to do with me.

But I have always felt

But I have always felt

But I just couldn't do it.

But I just couldn't do it.

But I knew everything would be all right in the end.

But I knew everything would be all right in the end.

But I was hopeful my new moustache

But I was hopeful my new moustache

But I watched it burn.

But I'm afraid I must decline.

But I'm afraid I must decline.

But if Strago is involved, well,

But if Strago is involved, well,

But instead it was stolen and secreted away.

But instead it was stolen and secreted away.

But it's already at Sedgwick's.

But it's already at Sedgwick's.

But never an outright mountebank.

But never an outright mountebank.

But now you're dangling off the end of it.

But now you're dangling off the end of it.

But she's so damned attractive.

But Spinoza's already there.

But there was mention of 30 million,

But there was mention of 30 million,

But we are not desperate.

But we are not desperate.

But what of the well known carrot?

But what of the well known carrot?

But what vexed him so

But what vexed him so

But why does everyone seem to think...

But you know that. You're testing me.

But you know that. You're testing me.

But you weren't! Oh!

But you, a known trafficker of stolen art, well,

But you, a known trafficker of stolen art, well,

By growing that horrible moustache.

By myself?

By the end of the month. What is today, the fifth!

California? Oh, icky!

California? Oh, icky!

Can I have all Thames Valley police officers

Can I have all Thames Valley police officers

Can you forgive me?

Can you forgive me?

Can you imagine the two of us

Can you see a resemblance?

Can you see a resemblance?

Can you think of a good reason

Can you think of a good reason

Captured Goering. First man in the room.

Captured Goering. First man in the room.

Charlie Mortdecai, you are on very dangerous ground!

Charlie Mortdecai, you are on very dangerous ground!

Charlie Mortdecai, you son of a bitch...

Charlie Mortdecai, you son of a bitch...

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie?

Charlie? Why are people achieving climax

Charlie? Why are people achieving climax

Chatter is he's found a dashedly clever way

Chatter is he's found a dashedly clever way

Cheap, leather encasement, just like on telly?

Checking in?

Checking in?

Cheese.

Cheese.

Come again?

Come again?

Come on, let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, sir.

Come on, sir.

Come on, you little bastards. Come out and get it.

Come on, you little bastards. Come out and get it.

Come, come. Let's not be rash.

Come, come. Let's not be rash.

Come, come. Let's not be rash.

COMMENTATOR 1:... Sheamus is able to do

COMMENTATOR 2: Here we go.

Could you give me the gun, please?

Couldn't be what?

Couldn't be what?

Countless lives are at stake.

Countless lives are at stake.

Course you did, man,

Course, I'll just, uh... I'll shut the door.

Course, I'll just, uh... I'll shut the door.

Cover me, as it were?

Cover me, as it were?

Craved by the mighty,

Craved by the mighty,

Creates quite a market when a painting

Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter?

Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter?

Dad! What the hell are you doing?

Dad! What the hell are you doing?

Dance with me.

Dance with me.

Dance with me.

Darling,

Darling,

Darling, please, you are killing me.

Darling, they are in cahoots.

Darling, they are in cahoots.

Darling!

Darling? Please?

Darling.

Darling.

Dash it all, I am resolved.

Dash it all, I am resolved.

Daughter Georgina.

Daughter Georgina.

Dear Alastair,

Dear Alastair,

Dear, sweet, heroic Jock.

Dear, sweet, simple Jock.

Depicting two horses, an ass, and several cocks.

Depicting two horses, an ass, and several cocks.

Despite his man purse, Strago is very dangerous.

Did she ever mention The Duchess of Wellington?

Did she ever mention The Duchess of Wellington?

Did you know her?

Didn't take long for you to make a mess of things.

Disguised as our Sheridan.

Disguised as our Sheridan.

Dmitri, please to fetch 12 volt

Dmitri, please to fetch 12 volt

Do have a look, eh?

Do have a look, eh? (CLICKS TONGUE)

Do I detect a slight crack in the marital armor?

Do I detect a slight crack in the marital armor?

Do I have 600? 600,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen.

Do inform him that that ship has sailed.

Do inform him that that ship has sailed.

Do inform him that that ship has sailed.

Do it for Queen and Country.

Do it for Queen and Country.

Do Not Disturb sign, and a bulldozer.

Do Not Disturb sign, and a bulldozer.

Do what it takes to bring the painting back,

Do what it takes to bring the painting back,

Do you feel unsafe?

Do you feel unsafe?

Do you mean you are ready?

Do you mean you are ready?

Do you mind?

Do you mind?

Do you need help with your bags?

Do you need help with your bags?

Do you think I could keep it a secret?

Do you think I could keep it a secret?

Do you think it will be all right in the end?

Do you think that Bunny still has the painting now?

Do you think that Bunny still has the painting now?

Do you think that Jockie will stay on

Do you think the codes are really there?

Do you think the codes are really there?

Does it matter?

Does it matter?

Doesn't she look like my mother?

Don't be daft. This isn't finished yet.

Don't be daft. This isn't finished yet.

Don't count.

Don't get up.

Don't get up.

Don't shoot, farmer!

Don't shoot, farmer!

Don't worry, sir. I'm all right.

Don't you feel the same? That you could share with me?

Don't you feel the same? That you could share with me?

Done to death with malice aforethought and so forth.

Done to death with malice aforethought and so forth.

Done!

Done.

Done.

Down the frog and toad road.

Down the frog and toad road.

Drop the gun!

Drop the gun!

During the party, we steal it while no one's looking.

During the War. Nazi bastards.

During the War. Nazi bastards.

Echo ey, don't you know?

Echo ey, don't you know?

Eight million in back taxes.

Emil Strago.

Emil Strago.

EMIL: I had the painting in my hand.

EMIL: Twenty five and a half! 26 and a quarter!

Emil!

Emil!

Enough!

Enough!

Escape this nightmare posthaste

Escape this nightmare posthaste

Even my horsey picture was on the block.

Even my horsey picture was on the block.

Every bone in my body,

Every bone in my body,

Every cashew in the Kingdom shall sleep safely.

Every cashew in the Kingdom shall sleep safely.

Every man should have a Jock, don't you think?

Every man should have a Jock, don't you think?

Every Mortdecai man before me had the same. Why can't I?

Every Mortdecai man before me had the same. Why can't I?

Every Mortdecai man before me has had one.

Every Mortdecai man before me has had one.

Everyone knows you're broke.

Everything here makes me think of you.

Everything here makes me think of you.

Except one.

Except one.

Excuse me. This is a crime scene.

Excuse me. This is a crime scene.

Fair shot with most weapons.

Fair warning at 900,000 pounds

Falling in love with your own spouse, isn't it?

Falling in love with your own spouse, isn't it?

Fang wants finger.

Fang wants finger.

Feel? Oh.

Feel? Oh.

Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field.

Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field.

Finally!

Finally!

Find out if he's got that painting.

Find, you said.

Find, you said.

Finger pointing down. Ring.

Finger pointing down. Ring.

First thing we're doing is selling off that Sheridan.

First thing we're doing is selling off that Sheridan.

Fishing tomorrow, you know. Hate it. Sit.

Fishing tomorrow, you know. Hate it. Sit.

Fishing tomorrow's been canceled.

Five hundred thousand.

Five hundred thousand.

Five hundred thousand.

Focus, man! There are but five days to insolvency.

Focus, man! There are but five days to insolvency.

For 17 years,

For 200 years, the painting was sought by collectors,

For 200 years, the painting was sought by collectors,

For alcoholic music hall artistes.

For alcoholic music hall artistes.

For England!

For I had filled it with an invalid port

For looking or behaving like

For mustachioed men such as I!

For mustachioed men such as I!

For you, there is nothing I would not do.

For you, there is nothing I would not do.

For, you know,

For, you know,

For, you know,

Forgive me, Vladimir.

Forgive me, Vladimir.

Forty five, thank you, sir. 45, 50, back on the...

Forty thousand pounds? 40,000? 45, isn't it?

Fought in Senegal. An expert in special warfare.

Fought in Senegal. An expert in special warfare.

Four days, sir.

Four days, sir.

Four days, sir.

From his last period,

From his last period,

From Sir Graham.

From Sir Graham.

From which I may not well return.

From which I may not well return.

Fundamentalist, revolutionary, trained in Syria,

Fundamentalist, revolutionary, trained in Syria,

GARDENER: I've been helpin' out Miss Fellworthy

Garnished by Her Majesty's government

Garnished by Her Majesty's government

Georgina finds out about it and tells Emil, who goes to

Georgina finds out about it and tells Emil, who goes to

GEORGINA: Don't count.

Get back behind the tape!

Get back behind the tape!

Get in the car, sir!

Get in the car, sir!

Get in.

Get in.

Get on that ladder!

Get the blowtorch.

Get the blowtorch.

Get your head down, sir.

Gets interesting, you see.

Gets interesting, you see.

Getting our hands on that blasted painting.

Getting our hands on that blasted painting.

Give me the keys. Keys to the Rolls.

Give me the keys. Keys to the Rolls.

Give me the painting!

Give me the painting!

Give me the painting.

Give me the painting.

Give me the painting.

Give me the painting.

Go to America and see Krampf.

Go to America and see Krampf.

Go upstairs and freshen up. You smell like a horse!

God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

God.

God.

Goin' on five years now.

Going on to Lot Seven. Colonel Blucher

Going on to Lot Seven. Colonel Blucher

Golly, that was a big one!

Golly, that was a big one! (CHUCKLES)

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Good God, Jock! Put that thing away, man!

Good God, man!

Good God, man!

Good Lord! It couldn't be!

Good luck!

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good show, Martland!

Good show, Martland!

Goodness, that's awkward.

Goodness, that's awkward.

Goody. Every subject of the Crown and

Goya was commissioned by Charles IV of Spain

Gruyere, chocolate, and fine wines.

Gruyere, chocolate, and fine wines.

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha! Foreigner!

Ha! Foreigner!

Had to speak to the water bailiff

Had to speak to the water bailiff

Handling, and transfer taxes,

Handling, and transfer taxes,

Hang on a tic.

Hang on a tic.

Hang on to me.

Hang on to me.

Hang on, sir!

Hard times, old boy?

Hard times, old boy?

Has he got the painting yet?

Have me.

Have to do with national security?

Have to do with national security?

Have to ring him, don't you, sir?

Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived

Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived

Have you heard the expression, Open your balls?

Have you heard the expression, Open your balls?

Have you looked under your couch?

Have you looked under your couch?

Have you lost your bearings, man?

Have you lost your bearings, man?

Haven't the foggiest why it took her so long.

Haven't the foggiest why it took her so long.

Having heard of our financial distress,

He also maintains an enviable rate

He also maintains an enviable rate

He boffs Emil on the bean