💬 Mortdecai (2015) Soundboard

A bit of an acoustic nightmare.

A client with a mild curiosity, that's all.

A gross amount of what he thought was my Taylor '31.

A man your age has no excuse

Ah, Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm heavy Jock

Ah, there it is.

Ah! And at the Ambassador's residence.

Ah! Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil!

Ah! Oh!

Ahh!

Ahh.

Alastair

Alastair, what are you doing here?

Already have, madam.

An essential part of every gentleman's education.

And back, are we?

And became the stuff of legend.

And I shan't be having dinner downstairs this evening.

And I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf.

And I'm trying to stop him

And I'm trying to stop him.

And if we try to sell it to Romanov,

And in charge, thank you very much.

And is halfway across the Atlantic

And is the legend true?

And it is customary in these situations

And prosecute at random

And the finest Edridge I have ever seen.

And the rumored possessor of the lost Goya.

And there is a vast difference.

And watch every art world snob in town drool all over her.

And we move on to Lot Four.

And you are?

And you should interrupt me as soon as you can.

Anything will do, I thank you.

Apparently located in the far West colonies.

Are you quite finished buggering around?

As a finder's fee.

At least I have the good taste to hide my indiscretions

AUCTIONEER: Fair warning at 900,000 pounds

AUCTIONEER: Ladies and gentlemen,

Balls!

Balls.

Barnyard Friends. A lovely Helen Allingham,

Because if Martland should get

Been in tip top shape, don't you know?

Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf

Bunny rolled it up in a carpet and didn't tell a soul.

But

But I watched it burn

But she's so damned attractive

But Spinoza's already there

But why does everyone seem to think..

But you weren't! Oh!

By growing that horrible moustache

By the end of the month. What is today, the fifth!

Can you imagine the two of us

Carry on!

Charlie?

Cheap, leather encasement, just like on telly?

Could you give me the gun, please?

Course you did, man,

Creates quite a market when a painting

Darling, please, you are killing me.

Darling!

Darling?

Darling? Please?

Dear, sweet, heroic Jock.

Despite his man purse, Strago is very dangerous.

Did you know her?

Didn't take long for you to make a mess of things

Do come in, of course

Do come in, of course. Say, 8:00?

Do I have 600? 600,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen

Do you think it will be all right in the end?

Do you think that Jockie will stay on

Don't worry, sir. I'm all right

During the party, we steal it while no one's looking.

Eight million in back taxes

Everyone knows you're broke.

Fair shot with most weapons.

Find out if he's got that painting.

Fishing tomorrow's been canceled.

Fit as a fiddle!

For 17 years,

For England!

For I had filled it with an invalid port

For looking or behaving like

Forty five, thank you, sir. 45, 50, back on the...

Forty thousand pounds? 40,000? 45, isn't it?

GARDENER: Miss Bronwen? Everything all right?

Get behind the gates of his estate

Get on that ladder!

Get your head down, sir

Go upstairs and freshen up. You smell like a horse!

Goin' on five years now.

Good God, Jock! Put that thing away, man!

Good God, man!

Good luck!

Goody. Every subject of the Crown and

Goya was commissioned by Charles IV of Spain

Ha ha!

Has he got the painting yet?

Have me.

Have to ring him, don't you, sir?

Having heard of our financial distress,

He is also desperately in love with my wife.

He is the filthy underside.

He was trying to show me the real painting.

Hello

Hello, Sir Graham, you old member

Hello! I'm outside.

Help me find that painting,

Her lover was no help.

Hermann Goering was said to have been

Hmm?

Hmm.

Holding a dead man's Goya

Hopeless

How 'bout some finger sandwiches?

How do you know?

How do you think this makes me feel, man?

How the fuck should I know?

However,

Huh?

Huh. Ghastly affair

I am a man of few words.

I am afraid you are barking up the wrong Englishman, comrade.

I am not the one entertaining at all hours

I believe she may be in play.

I can safely say you are correct

I can't, my duck. Not at this juncture.

I could declare to the heavens,

I could park outside for the night.

I deeply, deeply love

I do remember that there was an etching

I dunno, sir

I feel as though we've made a wrong turn

I go, I go, I go!

I had a firm grasp on things before you showed up

I have already been circumcised.

I must say.

I paid three million for that tapestry,

I really can't say.

I really wouldn't, you know,

I recounted the sordid tale as best I could..

I say, old bean!

I say, Sir Graham, I wonder,

I shan't! What does that even mean?

I should like to request a bucket of ice,

I should like to see her studio immediately.

I suspect I may need to redecorate.

I swallowed it

I think this woman has need of a chiropractor.

I think we both know that there are.

I thought that was you.

I tried desperately to be unfaithful to you,

I was just looking for something... else.

I was not drinking until the plane.

I was not squeezing the breasts...

I will meet you at Spinoza's in one hour

I will shoot you

I would like to humbly

I wouldn't, mate. I really wouldn't

I... Just...

I'll meet you inside, sir

I'll trim it

I'm afraid I shall have to put my foot down, darling.

I'm armed!

I'm deeply, deeply flattered, young man.

I'm so terribly sorry. Mosquito. You see it?

I'm unable to steer my mind away from it.

I've given you a lot of rope over the years, Charlie.

If anyone tried to sell it,

If it falls into Strago's hands,

Ignoring some of the more

In an unpronounceable chateau by the jerrys.

In Western Civilization,

In your immediate vicinity?

Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver,

It had vanished once again into history,

It is a matter of national security

It is apparent that you are well versed in the stick

It made me feel dirty.

It's a privilege, sir!

It's all right, sir, I've got another.

It's all right, sir. It's all right.

It's just the old smash and grab routine, sir.

It's my husband on the line.

It's so wonderful to have someone

Jock, give me the painting.

Jock, I fear we are in the eleventh hour, man.

Jock, you know, it's entirely possible

JOCK: I'll meet you inside, sir.

JOCK: It's a privilege, sir.

JOCK: Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy!

Jock?

Johanna, we seem to be out of ice

Just to start the day properly.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please

Last chance. And we are...

Left a total of just over eight million pounds

Lights.

Love, your Bunny! Oh! The note in the studio

Lover? Bronwen?

Magnificent.

MAN: Hold it

MARTLAND: Johanna!

MARTLAND: Those bank codes won't fall into

Maurice?

Milton Krampf tells everyone he is getting painting.

Mmm.

Mmm..

Mmm...

More.

MORTDECAI: And you are?

MORTDECAI: Dear, sweet, simple Jock

MORTDECAI: I'm armed!

MORTDECAI: Jock laid out the state

MORTDECAI: Rotten timing for him.

Move!

Moving on to Lot Two.

My relationship with my mother, uh,

Never mind about that.

No more, no more, no more

No one in particular, of course.

No, he's here, sir.

No, I do not know that, Maurice.

No, I do not need help with my bags.

No, no, man! My little sproutling.

No, sir.

Nobody make a move

None of the southern

Of all sad words of tongue or pen,

Of reasonable intelligence to converse with.

Of sexual intercourse,

Of some of my more unseemly escapades.

Of such frightening power and timbre

Of the building, break through the window, grab the painting.

Of the fairer sex do find it quite appealing

Of the United States, once you are there.

Oh, a terribly vulgar place called Los Angeles.

Oh, and poor Spinoza..

Oh, darl...

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear...

Oh, don't worry about her.

Oh, God. How thoughtless of me

Oh, Golly! I have read about this.

Oh, it was dashed exhilarating.

Oh, my

Oh, my darling,

Oh, my dear, I'm so tired. And so married and so tired.

Oh, my sweet little love beast,

Oh, my.

Oh, no! No.

Oh, really? Seems like more than a tiff to me

Oh, that's gross!

Oh, this is interesting.

Oh, uh... Well, in vague terms

Oh, yes.

Oh, you listen here, you do gooder!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! And don't forget the herringbone spoon.

Oh! So much! So much to look at!

Oh! You pretended to be gentle,

Oh.

Oh..

Oh...

Ohh!

On your feet, soldier.

One hundred thousand pounds. Thank you, Sir Graham.

One million pounds

Ooh

Ooh, you have no idea

Ooh!

Ooh.

Ooh. Oh.

Ooh...

Open your balls?

Open your balls.

Or some such hint of...

Ow!

Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs

Perhaps we can work something out.

Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind

Please, sir. Just leave.

Please, will you make up

Precisely.

Probably less than a 20

Questionable attack, Jock. Spirited, though

Quick session of congress

Quite a conundrum, this.

Rather simple job, wouldn't you say?

Right

Right behind you as always, sir.

Right you are, madam.

Right you are, sir

Right.

Ruthless billionaire, art collector,

Sad news, particularly for her

See what you can dig up about that Goya. Usual channels

Seventeen thousand pounds, thank you very much.

Shall we start the bidding at 17,000 pounds?

Shall we start the bidding at 100,000 pounds?

Shall we to business then, Fang?

She was also said to have been the King's mistress.

She's got prominent lips like me...

She's probably quite worried about me.

Sink the Bismarck, if you will

Smash and grab.

So all I must do is show up,

Sold for 210,000 pounds.

Some final piece of my personal puzzle.

Some say that Goya himself engineered the theft.

Someone must have known I was coming

Sort of cement brothel, my love.

Spinoza was the best art smuggler in the business,

Spinoza, you silver tongued scallywag.

Steal the painting from Bronwen.

Stealthy, man, stealthy.

Strago and Georgina fled,

Tell me.

Tell us where painting is,

Terribly sorry.

Terror attacks all around the world.

Thanks.

That I love you

That I've bumped my head...

That moustache of the Prophet?

The 26th, sir.

The British 7th Army, 2nd Division, June of 1945.

The Duchess of Wellington is in Bunny's loo.

The Mortdecai men have always

The only safe ground is English soil.

The Qianlong vase.

The wrong hands again.

There are no bank codes on that painting

There are no bank codes on that painting.

There has never been

There you are. 2,642 pounds.

There's something missing, you see.

These were found in her camera.

This is not a breast in my hand!

This way

This way.

Three months ago, a small Spanish museum

Three.

To a man with principles.

To paint her in 1792.

To please another, know this:

Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls

Truce?

Try me.

Unfortunately,

Unremarkable.

Uppy, uppy, Jock!

Valet!

Very good, madam.

Very, very sorry about everything

We cannot go about selling off family heirlooms willy nilly.

We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor,

We must secure the painting,

We'll make a switch

Well done, Jockie.

Well, have it your way, Fang

Well, I don't know. I don't know.

Well, if my men start asking questions,

Well, that's classified information, I'm afraid

Well, where is the last place you saw it?

What do you mean?

What do you think?

What have you found?

What if I find it for you? Say, 30% finder's fee, what?

What is all this nonsense?

What kind of hell place is this?

What's the matter with you, eh?

Whatever brings you here?

When my marriage isn't falling apart

When she discovered the Goya,

Where do you find the time?

Where have I seen that hand before in the background?

Where is Mortdecai?

Where's the Goya?

Which cannot be right

Which lady?

Which we might enjoy...

Who is this woman Mortdecai and what does she want? Hmm?

Who is this?

Who's the client?

Why don't you test the vase instead?

Why should I have to?

Why would MI5 be interested

Will do some good. Yes

With a little mystery goes missing

With a little mystery goes missing.

With one of the art world's greatest mysteries

Without pay or lodging?

WOMAN: Hi

Would you mind terribly, dear boy, the door?

Yes, do. Do think.

Yes, I was!

Yes, sir?

Yes, well, in future, if you could please use your paddles

Yes.

Yes... Right.

You are a nasty business, sir.

You are uppy, sir.

You cheated me in our last deal.

You have been grossly overcompensated.

You know, remarkably,

You know, state secrets and what have you

You one book short of a library, you maggot? Eh?

You owe me.

You will take one million.

You're in the hole to Her Majesty's government

Your gag reflex.

Your Grace,

Your services are no longer required.

Your, mmm, protrusion..

(DMITRl GROANING) (YELPS)

(GRUMBLING) (SLAMS PHONE)

(WOMAN SCREAMING) (RETCHING)

Ahh! Ooh!

Bid. Oh! What?

Charlie? Mmm.

Checking in? Yeah, we're checking in.

Don't you think so? Mmm. Mmm. Oh, yes.

It's a little unseemly. The trousers..

Jock? Yeah?

Jock? Yes, sir?

Jock? Yup?

Johanna, do you..

Johanna... (GASPS)

MARTLAND: Yes? They've got him

Martland... God.

Maurice? Sir?

Mmm. No, no. Steady yourself

Oh, my. Oh, my

Oh, you remembered. Mmm

Oh! I'll have it on my wall.

Ohh! (THUDS)

Ooh! Feel me.

Right you are, sir. Right.

She's exquisite. So good...

What? Has it been compromised?

Where? There!

Why? We don't know why.

Yes, sir. Oh!

Yes! Oh...

Yes? They've got him.

You've got a difficult chap. Beastly

...there was no mention of the painting.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(ALL GASP)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ARROW HISSING)

(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PA)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(CHUCKLES APPROVINGLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(DOOR BUZZING)

(EXHALING SHARPLY)

(GAGGING)

(GASPS) And it wasn't his tadger

(GASPS) Love, your Bunny! Oh! The note in the studio

(GRAHAM GASPS)

(GROANS)

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GUN CLICKING)

(GUNSHOT)

(HORN HONKING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(INHALES)

(JOCK GRUNTING)

(JOCK MOANING)

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

(MAN GROANS)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SCREAMING)

(SIGHING)

(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(SOFTLY) Hold. Hold.

(SOFTLY) Move!

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(SQUAWKING)

(STAMMERING) By myself?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WHIMPERING)

(YELPS)

Mortdecai (2015) Soundboard
Mortdecai is a comedic action film released in 2015. Starring an ensemble cast, the movie brings together a talented group of actors to deliver a lighthearted and adventurous story. The film features Johnny Depp in the titular role of Charlie Mortdecai, a dapper and eccentric art dealer with a penchant for trouble. The story revolves around Mortdecai, who is on a quest to find a stolen painting that holds the key to a lost bank account filled with Nazi gold. Joined by his loyal manservant Jock Strapp, played by Paul Bettany, Mortdecai navigates through a world filled with quirky characters and dangerous situations. As the plot thickens, Mortdecai finds himself entangled in a web of deception, international spies, and high-stakes adventures. The cast is rounded out by an exceptional lineup of talented actors. Gwyneth Paltrow portrays Mortdecai's sharp-witted wife, Johanna, adding a layer of comedy and sophistication to the film. Ewan McGregor, in the role of Inspector Martland, adds another dimension to the story as he attempts to solve the crime while reluctantly teaming up with Mortdecai. Directed by David Koepp, Mortdecai is a delightful blend of action, adventure, and humor. Koepp's direction keeps the pace lively while allowing the talented cast to shine in their respective roles. With witty dialogue, slapstick comedy, and a touch of romance, the film offers a fun and enjoyable viewing experience for audiences. Moreover, the film's sound department deserves recognition for creating a captivating auditory experience. The music, composed by Geoff Zanelli, perfectly complements the various tones and moods of the film, ranging from suspenseful moments to comedic beats. The sound effects, skillfully executed, enhance the action on-screen, immersing the viewer in the chaotic and spirited world of Mortdecai. For fans of Mortdecai or those interested in experiencing the film's audio elements, there is an opportunity to play and download the sounds associated with it. By accessing the provided link, users can access an array of sounds from the movie, including its memorable theme music, dialogue excerpts, and other sound effects that have helped bring the film to life. In conclusion, Mortdecai is a delightful cinematic experience that showcases the talents of its exceptional cast and crew. With its adventurous plot, comedic performances, and captivating sound design, the film offers a refreshing and entertaining movie-watching experience. Whether you're a fan of action-comedies or simply seeking an enjoyable escape, Mortdecai is sure to provide laughter and excitement.
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