I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009) Edit

A cow bit me!

A quarter of a million dollars?

Actually, he's upstairs.

Actually, I got these as a gag gift...

Actually, the boiling point of water is 212 degrees Fahrenheit...

Actually, why don't you tune that to 87.1?

Ah. Ooh!

All boys are pathetic.

All my memories from high school are from tonight.

All right, keep in touch.

All right, thank you very much.

All right, yes, fine, all right.

All right.

All right. That's awesome.

Also the same line was used by Emperor Zurg...

An asshole?

And dreams may cloud the truth

And exciting and fun.

And frozen peas.

And get yourself tested for gonorrhea.

And goddamn it, you're invited, officially.

And I can explain the kitchen later.

And I know exactly how many bottles are in the wine rack: 23.

And I'm not rescuing you. Kevin is heavily medicated right now.

And it was completely itemized, very detailed.

And it's usually because they want something.

And learn.

And let us, no, let all of us vow:

And now it's over.

And remember, once your opponent loses consciousness...

And she'll be so very pregnant by then, baking someone else's DNA.

And she'll have this, like, big, pregnant cow grin on her face.

And so I say here today...

And so let us all say the things that we longed to say...

And sorry for all the wars and stuff.

And then they expect you to buy your own shoes.

And this, my friend, is a rare occasion.

And when he smiled... He was really hot.

And you don't have to.

And, yes, let us not regret...

And, yes, this is a polycarbonate blade.

And...

Angelica.

Anything cold.

Anyway, to the world's greatest night.

Are we the first ones here?

Are you calling me fat?

Are you drunk? What?

Are you just gonna keep bleeding? Yeah, for about 3 days.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm great.

Are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm fi...

Are you prepared to die?

Are you ready? Ready for the best

Are you sure? I can handle these three.

Army, dark ops, couldn't stand the idea of the Coove here and Beth...

Asshole.

At which point did you think that was a good decision?

Aw, how sweet. Kevin brought back my car.

Aw.

B G, number one Oh, yeah, nothing less

Baby. Not nice.

Because he is going to kill me.

Because I'm a very smart guy.

Because of you I am in the middle of nowhere looking for a shirt.

Because the Beth Cooper I know?

Because you called her a stuck up bitch...

Because, you know, a lot of professional actors aren't gay.

Been reading a few of my mom's ladies magazines...

Behind her. She never saw you, dude.

Behind her. Shh.

Beth Cooper? Yeah, ex boyfriend actually.

Beth Cooper's parents. Taking in a Kiss show.

Beth, I'm sorry, can I get your cell phone number?

Beth.

Bitch.

Bogart, dude! Shh.

Bogart.

But at least we know you're not gay.

But can I get a hug? I mean, hugs are good.

But he was right.

But I thought you said this wasn't fun.

But it was so sweet, I'll have to let you live.

But now I say it, with no regrets.

But this?

But today, I would also like to look back...

But...

Bye, cow!

Bye, Mom! Bye, honey.

Call me when you're sober!

Can I say something personal?

Can you feel it? What? Can you feel the heat?

Can't find a flag

Car!

Carpe diem.

Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

Cause brain damage.

Champagne. Bubbly goodness. Uh...

Check out the new kicks. Oh, cool.

Chips, chips, chips.

Classic.

Clear out!

Closure. If you didn't give that speech...

Cocaine, speed, roid rage, and he can't have another incident.

Come here, please.

Come on in.

Come on up. Yeah.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, Denis. This is the least illegal thing we've done all night.

Come on, girls Yell yellow!

Come on, hurry up! I'm trying, stop moving!

Come on, it's Casablanca, 1942...

Come on, let's get out of here.

Come on!

Come on! Get your stuff! Go!

Come on.

Come on. Are you okay?

Come on. It's graduation night.

Congratulations, you found me.

Cooked up a little commencement mix that I think all of you will enjoy.

Cool, or not, whatever.

Cool.

Cooverman, Bison pride.

Could be worse. Could not be your mom.

Could I borrow your cell phone? I left mine back at the house.

Course that's redundant...

Crack him like a walnut.

Curtis Armstrong, Risky Business, 1983, Paul Brickman.

Curtis Armstrong, Risky Business, 1983, Paul Brickman.

Dad beats him.

David.

Day oh. Hey.

Denis Cooverman.

Denis Cooverman. Are you afraid of cows?

Denis Petey Cooverman, look at you.

Denis, let me talk to you.

Denis, there's another Beth Cooper out there.

Denis!

Denis! What happened to you?

Denis?

Denis?

Denis.

Denny, what happened to your poor face?

Denny, your face.

Denny!

Did you hurt your back?

Died when I was 2. He was 12.

DJ C's slamming graduation. What!

Do all those teen things you haven't had a chance to do.

Do not laugh.

Do you know how many laws you just broke?

Do you remember the specifics of his last incident?

Do you, like, know exactly how many there are?

Don't be afraid, I can handle this.

Don't be shy.

Don't be so nervous. She's not gonna come.

Don't be such a pussy, pussy. Come on.

Don't move.

Don't worry...

Don't you dare GPS me. Oh, please.

Don't.

Donde esta la beer, Coovemaster?

Dr. McCoy.

Drinks by the pool!

Drive safe.

Dude, after graduation, she'll be gone until like the tenth reunion...

Dude, don't backpedal, you know. Onwards!

Dude, what are you doing?

Dude, you know what I got for graduation?

Dude, you look ridiculous.

Dude. Ha, ha, ha.

Dude. I'm not gay for you.

Ever.

Everybody out.

Everything's organic. The pretzels are fat free.

Ew. Don't say hi to her. Ew.

Except he didn't say F, he said Fuck.

Explain this to me:

Fair fight? Look at his arms, they're like redwoods.

Fear. Mm.

Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!

Food for thought. Thank you.

For future reference, I'll remember that.

Forget me, you're on your way

Forget the good times too

Forget the good times too

Forget the pain inside

Forget the pain inside

Forget the tears we've cried

Frozen peas. Frozen peas.

Get in here. No, purple's not really my color.

Get out here!

Get out of here.

Get out there!

Get out there!

Get up!

Get up! Come on.

Girl, water makes you do things.

Give me my poncho.

Give me my poncho. Oh, my God.

Go to her house, bring a boom box, wait for her.

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go.

Go!

Go!

Gobs?

God only knows.

God, it's so funny!

Good luck! It was nice seeing you!

Got it? Yep, good.

Got it? Yep, I got it.

Gotta tell you, you're in for a treat.

Grab her and take her someplace where it can be just the two of you.

Great, you just killed everybody in the car.

Greg Saloga beat you up, I bet.

Guess I did think it would be a little funny.

Guess it was the way other girls looked at me when I was with him.

Guys! Rich!

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha. Classic.

Ha, ha, ha. That pink poncho's sort of cute.

Ha, ha. Oh, yeah, okay. I, uh...

Harpers.

Haven't I seen that car before?

He is not wearing those ratty things, and he's not getting lucky.

He knows a lot about you. Quiz him.

He knows your blood type.

He knows your locker combo. He knows your favorite anti perspirant.

He looked at me!

He looked right at me! He's gonna eat me!

He pooped his shoes.

He triangulated your cell phone.

He was already sick when I was born.

He'll get court martialed for sure.

He's coked up?

He's in the hospital, all beaten up and shit.

He's kind of cute.

He's on our shit list.

Head cheerleader is a position of trust and responsibility.

Headbutt? Definitely.

Heh, heh, heh.

Heh, heh, l... I was just being cool.

Heh, heh. Fools. Ha, ha, ha.

Heh, heh. Yeah, you do. Uh...

Heh.

Hello, hi, hey. Hi.

Hello, it was a threesome.

Hello.

Help! Help!

Her nose was a graduation present.

Her, yes. Your secret shame.

Here you go.

Here, come here.

Here's all of our numbers....

Here's Johnny!

Hey, Beth.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Hey, come on, you, fat? Why would he say that? He's not retarded.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, how about this? How about:

Hey, Mom, Dad, it...

Hey, no. No, that's not food. Hi, cutie!

Hey, okay. Ew. Okay.

Hey, space boy. Come get wet.

Hey, there is my chest hair.

Hey, this is, wow, great, you know, really top notch...

Hey, what about Rich?

Hey, what is that? It's nice. Is it salmon colored?

Hey! Aunt Brenda gave us that!

Hey! Come back here!

Hey.

Hey. Mom, Dad.

Hey. So I'm not gay, dude.

Hi, Mrs. C. Hi, Mrs. C!

Hi!

Hi! Oh, you're so cute! Hi, little fella.

Hi. Hey.

Hm.

Hola, Mrs. C.

Honey, have fun. Okay.

Honey. Honey, you're vibrating. You bet I am.

How about I kiss you so hard, every time you think about it...

How are you? Really good.

How did that get on there? I don't... I didn't even put...

How did you find us?! LoJack, dipshit.

How did you know?

How did you?

How do I look? Good? Great.

How do you know that?

How do you put a microwave into the wall?

How does that feel?

I am not worthless, okay?

I am not your plaything!

I am so hot.

I am that cool.

I apologize and surrender unconditionally.

I can go there anytime I want as long as I don't tell Mom where it is.

I can go there anytime I want as long as I don't tell Mom where it is.

I can't talk about this. I'm gonna go make pancakes.

I couldn't have done it. I mean, before drinking the beer.

I didn't expect to see you here.

I didn't know you were such a movie buff, Mr. C.

I didn't realize there was a line here.

I do, please. I want one.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe go to old Harpers Community College.

I don't know... Everybody thinks you're gay, Rich.

I don't recognize the number. Do you?

I don't remember him at all.

I don't think that's a record.

I don't think we were invited. Uh, I'm pretty sure we were.

I don't wanna ruin anything. There's nothing left to ruin!

I don't want a stinky shirt.

I felt proud.

I gotta go along with your mom...

I guess I just wanted to talk to you.

I had a great, great ride.

I have a key to the school.

I have an eating disorder, and I need help.

I have loved you, Beth Cooper...

I have to get my purse. I'll meet you out front.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I have to pee.

I hope you had fun. I did.

I just black out.

I just don't think we should be...

I just made excuses for him because...

I just meant my thinking had been compromised.

I just, yeah, I mean, what, do you think they're lubed? Or...

I know high school wasn't great for you.

I know what you're thinking.

I love this song. Who wouldn't want to blow up their school?

I love you, Beth Cooper.

I love you, Beth Cooper.

I loved you from behind...

I loved you when I sat behind you in Senor Weidner's Spanish...

I loved your speech. You said some very perceptive things.

I mean, I had to do something.

I mean, like, together, like we're like the gaynamic duo or something.

I mean, maybe you don't remember...

I mean, we all thought it would be a fun thing to do.

I mean, we've still got wine to drink. 23 bottles.

I mean, you come, you come. If you don't, you don't.

I mean, you think this is bad, you should see the other guy.

I mean, you're different than I imagined.

I need beer.

I need ice!

I promise I'll never forget you

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

I saw a documentary about it once on public television.

I talked to your dad, Rich. Yeah?

I think I did.

I think I've made a terrible decision.

I think my dad wants us to have sex.

I think those are his lucky underpants.

I think you mean persuade, not convince.

I think you should pull over.

I told you that speech was a good idea.

I took some workshops at the Star Wars convention.

I want some of that.

I was bad before?

I was gonna...

I was in Driver's Ed with her.

I was smart.

I was with two gorgeous ladies last night.

I wasn't afraid.

I will be there waiting for you

I will. I'm not really gonna wait for the reunion.

I wouldn't take heterosexual advice from Rich Munsch.

I... l... I'd love to. I just, um...

I'd do 2 seconds.

I'd have that looked at, Greg.

I'll get this off here.

I'll leave a message on Facebook, ask her out.

I'm a big old asshole who beats up on other kids...

I'm a big, dumb moron.

I'm a maniac for the brewdog.

I'm a stuck up bitch...

I'm airing out my shirt.

I'm busy right now, Kevin.

I'm gay, dude.

I'm going back. Thank you.

I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to convince me why I should let you live.

I'm gonna go find a bathroom.

I'm gonna need to see some ID.

I'm gonna need you to pull over.

I'm just thinking aloud here.

I'm just trying to make it through the night alive, okay?

I'm not gay.

I'm not gonna molest you. Take it off.

I'm not nervous, I'm particular. There's a difference.

I'm not there in her brain. She will have no memory of me.

I'm not.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm paralyzed. I'm a paralyzed virgin.

I'm Robin Hood. You're Friar Tuck.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I'm so pathetic.

I'm sorry.

I'm totally gay.

I'm, like, the least notable person in this car.

I've been preparing for this all my life.

I've got gobs.

I've never been in this house before.

I've never known you to do anything so reckless...

If anybody's dead or on fire, call 911 first.

If she gives you shit, go for her throat.

If we're both still single, I'll marry you.

If you didn't think it was sweet, why would you come to my house?

If you need to reach me, you can reach me at...

If you wanna be an actress, why weren't you in Drama Club?

If you're not gay, why so unchubby in the shower?

In fact, they never come along.

Incoming!

Indeed. Let us all...

Indians.

Interesting situation we have here.

Is he always like this?

Is it like 800 degrees in there, like boiling?

Is that your tooth?

Is there a problem here?

It didn't bother you that he was an a...?

It isn't gay. It's not gay.

It was a long time ago, but thanks.

It was an accident.

It was deciduous.

It was uncool of you to notice.

It's a moo, okay? Push it.

It's always the gym teachers.

It's Angelica. Whatever.

It's cool.

It's fuchsia and it's my favorite color. Sorry.

It's Jack Nicholson, Easy Rider, 1969, directed by Dennis Hopper.

It's John Wayne. It's John Wayne, 1969, True Grit.

It's just...

It's okay just to have fun sometimes.

It's okay just to have fun sometimes.

It's okay. Oh.

It's okay. Sorry.

It's romantic.

It's so big and pretty.

It's the big, dramatic tragedy of my life, and I wasn't even there.

It's the trinity.

It's within the 3 second rule.

Just so you know, making out with a girl like that...

Kevin, just stop.

Kevin, stop!

Kevin's probably tracking it.

Kind of.

La fiesta esthis way, mi bonitas.

Le Coove! Here. Thank you.

Leave it.

Leave my friend alone!

Let me just air it out a little.

Let me tell you something:

Let us be unafraid to admit:

Let us confess:

Let us declare:

Let's get him.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's not tell your mother that.

Let's tip one.

Like what? You know where she lives.

Like you know Shakespeare.

Lisbee! Lisbee, open this door!

Lisbee! Stop the car.

Listen, about what Cammy said before.

Long as everyone else is cool.

Look at this party. Look at all my friends.

Look forward to getting out of here.

Look, I don't know why I did th... Who was that?

Look, Kevin, you've won, okay?

Look, Rich told me if... Rich Munsch?

Look! Your shirt.

Look.

Lose the shoes. I paid for these shoes.

Lucky dog.

Makin' all that noise

Man of war!

Maybe a trained professional would be better.

Maybe I could call you sometime? We could talk about it?

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

Maybe we should get you some Band Aids or cream or something.

Maybe.

Maybe. If I can afford it.

Me too.

Me too.

Me too. Really?

Me?

Me? It was your idea.

Mean, mean!

Mighty Bisons Oh, yeah, let's fight

Mm hm.

Mm. Cristal seems to have changed its logo and spelling.

Mom. God.

More or less.

More than half.

Move out!

Mr. Cooverman, hi. Hey! Hello.

Multiple things.

Must be a telemarketer.

My brother's retarded.

My dad doesn't drink beer.

My dad just bought all this stuff. He's never killed anything.

My dad used to give me an occasional beer...

My dad was gonna give me his old car...

My eyes?

My female fiancee's getting off her shift at Hooters, so...

My hand, it just slipped.

My lady.

My mom and dad.

My mom and dad.

My mom says yum.

My parents were headbangers.

My point is... I had one.

Neither did you. I tried.

Never admit your innermost fears to Cammy.

Never again.

Never been with one.

Next, and finally, your valedictorian...

No 18 year old boy is that cool.

No biting, scratching, hair pulling. None of that sissy stuff, okay?

No blood.

No other girl would ever live up to her mythic proportions.

No regrets for what we wanted to do...

No, a party. More of a party than a French thing. Music, drinks, prizes.

No, come on. Stick around. Okay, no, you can't go.

No, cows can't bite.

No, Denis, if you... If you don't do this... If you don't do this...

No, Denis! Have you ever seen any of the Friday The 13ths?

No, he, uh... He died.

No, honey, honey, it could be Denis.

No, I don't.

No, I mean, it's cool if you are, too, really.

No, I will not tell you where I am or who I'm with...

No, I'm not gonna fight him.

No, it has to be a grand gesture.

No, it is, because you...

No, it was...

No, it's good, I'm happy that you're... You guys got the joke! Good one.

No, it's not like that with you.

No, it's not stalking if you love the person.

No, it's not... It's not that funny.

No, ma'am.

No, no, come on! Come on, people! Are you just gonna let him murder me?

No, no, no, cows don't bite.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, not everything. There are some things I don't know.

No, no, that's okay. I gotta go.

No, she wouldn't.

No, that was no standard cow.

No, that's really nice. That's great.

No, the Coove had a little dust up with Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

No, they can't. I can smell it.

No, those are my dad's.

No, wait, wait, wait.

No. Not... No.

No. Wow.

Nobody cares if you're gay.

Nobody cares, so just be gay already!

Nobody wears shoes anymore.

Not a topic for discussion. Ever.

Not good, not good. Oh!

Not like that, that's...

Not much danger of that, Mrs. C.

Not now, Lisbee.

Not on my watch.

Not too much fun.

Not what I said, presumably?

Nothing in particular, I guess.

Nothing, really.

Nothing.

Now get off the counter. Oh.

Now it's dripping down my throat. Here.

Now you gotta take it to the next level.

Now, Denis, where were we?

Now, that's kidnapping.

Now, this is willful damage to property!

Now... 2.

NYU.

Of course.

Oh, Greg.

Oh, ha, ha, ha. Patty Keck?

Oh, he's my little brother.

Oh, hi. I need to get my kitchen repaired.

Oh, man. That is so... cool.

Oh, Mr. Cooverman.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I peed, I peed, I peed!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Get him in the car.

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, no, I can leave it on, it's fine.

Oh, no. No, no, no, I'm... I'm...

Oh, not too many. None.

Oh, nothing. Yeah.

Oh, secret shame.

Oh, shit, Kevin.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's great, congratulations!

Oh, uh, um...

Oh, uh... Heh, heh.

Oh, well, congradulations.

Oh, wine reminds me of Jesus.

Oh, yeah, no, goddamn that Kevin.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're not wearing those awful underpants.

Oh!

Oh! I... Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, ho, ho. That is negligent.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, a toast.

Okay, go, go.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, here. Something cold.

Okay, I got an idea.

Okay, I hate to remind you this, Beth, but you said it was sweet.

Okay, it was somewhere around here. You can stop.

Okay, let's see.

Okay, let's see.

Okay, look. This is your last summer before college.

Okay, push.

Okay, that's Mandy Patinkin in The Princess Bride, Rob Reiner, 1987.

Okay, that's really nice. Okay. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Okay, time to get in the car! Get in the car.

Okay, we gotta go, come on. Get your stuff!

Okay, who wants a drink?

Okay, yeah, sure, no, I'll try.

Okay, yeah, sure, no, I'll try.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. And tomorrow.

Okay. No, it's okay. I won't.

Okay. Pretty simple.

Okay. You know, just until it's safe.

Okay. You know, on the bright side, Beth Cooper talked to you.

Once she gets to the underpants, they're a deal breaker.

One of his army buddies was getting all date ****y with Treece.

Only 3.

Ooh. That can't be good.

Or did she already make you breakfast?

Over here, over here. Are you okay?

Party balloons.

Party.

Patty.

Pedophilia.

Perfect.

Pfft. Heh.

Please, take those out now. Your wish.

Por favor, sweet and salty comidas for your comesting.

Prepare to die.

Pretty good, I guess.

Purell me.

Quadriplegics can have sex.

Queen Gertrude to Hamlet, Act III, Scene 2...

Ready and last time

Ready and slow it down.

Ready, girls? Yes.

Really? Dude.

Really? Ernst Blofeld in just like every Bond movie. Oh, okay.

Really? Okay.

Rich, did you put this on?

Rich, don't call me Mrs. C, I mean it.

Rich, hi.

Rich, I got your clothes. Hurry up.

Rich, I got your clothes. Hurry up.

Rich, I need your help. Come out of the closet!

Rich, it's just that all through high school and even before...

Rich!

Rich!

Rich! Rich! Rich!

Richard, do you know Victoria?

Right, look at the time here.

Right.

Right. Her.

Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.

Robin Williams, and your dad.

Sam.

Saving my life? Saving my...?

Say hello to my little friend!

Scarface. Pacino, '82, De Palma.

School's been blown to pieces

School's out for summer

School's out! We did it! We did it! Party!

Sean, Dustin, come on!

Sean, you naughty boy.

See you at the reunion. Yes.

See, I don't get that...

Seriously?

She always drives like this.

She doesn't mean that.

She is pretty worn and torn, you know.

She should really be here by now.

She thought it would be funny.

She won't even remember who you are.

She would never hook up with some loser for a 12 pack.

She'll be protecting her nose.

She's gonna have an amazing life.

She's not a scary wack job. She's not a wack job.

Shh. Could you just: Shh.

Shit my panties.

Shit, my phone!

Showers! Showers! Yay!

Shut up. Shut up! Mm hm. Yeah.

Sit. You'll enjoy it.

Slightly insane...

Smells like death in here.

So do you still love me?

So guess what? Hm?

So that was weird what you did in there, to him.

So we meet again.

So where's our boy in uniform?

So who is your favorite director?

So why did you do it? The speech?

So your parents use condoms?

So, Beth, uh...

So, how many people are you expecting at this shin dizzle?

So, is this what you had planned for tonight?

So, look, I'm not gay, you know, so... Yeah.

So, uh, I think I was knocked out back there momentarily...

So, what are you doing after graduation?

So, what are your plans?

So, what kind of beer do you like?

So, where's the party?

So?

So? Come on, Dr. Gleason, haven't you ever been in love?

So...

Social survival. That's a good call.

Some woman.

Someday I'll have to wonder

Something is really wrong with you.

Sometimes you just have to say, What the F.

Sorry I asked.

Sorry, I was unaware I was emitting that.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. Denis.

Sorry. No.

Sounds fun. It is fun, will be, in the future.