I Love You Man (2009) Soundboard Edit

A couple of weeks. Fresh off the boat from Chicago.

A little pizza action.

All right, Pete, you done a boat race, right?

All right. How's the sex?

Also, I think you have my season 2 Lost DVDs. lf you. . .

And for the record, I saw Chocolat.

And I just throw my own feces like a gorilla.

And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.

And if you do,

And then you wandered into that open house, we hit it off,

Anwar Sadat,

Because I'm single.

Believe me, Pistol, it is the best.

Besides Runaway Bride.

But I believe you know my friend Peter Klaven,

But Zooey and I have been fighting a lot recently.

By that, I mean a casual lunch or after work drinks, okay?

By the way, it's not that I don't like doing it.

Come on.

Davis Dunn Realty, how may I direct your call? Please hold.

Did you look under your plastron, dick wicker?

Dude, Peter is on fire.

Excuse me just a second.

For a little jaunt on the Venice Boardwalk.

For an investment. All his money's tied up in equities.

Fuck.

Get my wife on up here!

Get some guts, would you? I got some cheese. Give me a break.

Go Beckham !

Good luck, Peter.

Hailey, you know what, why don't we just pick it up and move down the fairway?

He's a cross between a beagle and a pug.

He's a fucking asshole.

He's kind of got a point. I mean, we're really holding these guys up.

Hello, fiancée.

Hey, me rikey the billboards.

Hey, Peter. it's Sydney Klaven. No, that's not right.

His voice got high.

I call them bowsers. it's my nickname for people who look just like their dog.

I called you Siddy Slicker.

I do. I do.

I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.

I had like a foot and a half back at Sydney's. I'm golden.

I just. . . I feel like I'm losing you a little bit.

I know, but I just got an e maiI aIert from the Rush fan cIub.

I live down there.

I never understood why people are so afraid to eat at an open house.

I started feeling like some kind of weirdo.

I think it's just about putting the random people together.

I think we should spend some time apart.

I thought l'd see if you wanted to grab a beer. That's all.

I want you to know I'm really sorry. Everybody must hate me.

I'm sorry, but not really.

I'm sorry, I forgot what I was gonna say. What was I saying?

Is the night that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine,

L'll grab a beer with Gil and the boys afterward. Hit them with the big news.

L've been to a million of those things and nobody,

Leftover Koo Koo Roo?

Let me wet my beak on this action. We'll both be winners.

Let's go try on some penguin suits.

Like, my brother in law drives my sister crazy.

Listen, I'm sorry if I ever doubted you, man

Lock that tongue down, girl.

Look at me.

Looks good, right?

Lt is beautiful. it's totally understated, and it's just. . . it's perfect.

Lt means it's over.

Lt's a pleasure to meet you.

Lt's hilarious, know what I mean?

Lt's not TV, it's HBO.

Lt's the least I could do for the best man at my wedding.

Lt's very close to downtown. How close do you wanna be?

My doctor said it's really bad if you're trying to get pregnant.

My favorite, hot chocoIate.

Nice face.

No, I understand. it's an open house and not a deli.

No, sorry, chief, we're actually staying for dinner.

No, you just look confused.

No. Oh, my God.

Nothing. We're just saying you never really had a best friend, is all.

Oh, boy, here we go. Should have guessed.

Okay.

Pedro, there is so much wrong with that, I don't even know where to begin. lt's. . .

Pete, you called me on a lot of my issues. I appreciate it.

Pete!

Peter matured sexually at a very early age.

Peter, it's been on the market for three weeks...

Really, you told them? Shocking.

Shit! Do you think he heard us?

Shit. Hey, geek! I just stepped in your dog's shit.

Since our first year at lBM.

So how long have you guys known Sydney?

So I think l've found it.

So just take her out for a cup of coffee or something.

So l've been helping my fiancée with all the last minute preparations.

So sweet.

So you're teIIing me we're gonna seII this house?

Sydney, how you doing? it's Peter Klaven.

Take him down !

Thank you.

Thanks, Sydney. I appreciate that.

That's a good move.

That's really nice, Sydney.

The name is James Bond.

Then you process your purchase.

There's my dog !

This guy, he's gaga over you. it's adorable

Wait, what guy hates getting blowjobs?

We're shopping for tuxedos for your wedding, man.

Welcome to the Temple of Doom

Well, I saw you walking on the lawn looking all sad,

Well, I'm trying to sell the place, believe me, but. . .

What about the land you told me you wanted to buy?

What are you talking about?

What do you think?

What the fuck? Psycho.

Which one of these men has the ring?

Which, I'm not a snob, it's a great car, but it costs $30,000.

Why do you say that?

With that, l'd like to raise a glass to Pete and Zooey.

WouIdn't expect anything Iess from you. And sorry about caIIing you a whore.

Yeah !

Yeah, he got up in there.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna get it. I'll get a better one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it'll take a few days, but I will get on that.

Yeah, you're not used to drinking that much.

Yeah.

Yeah. lf you just go past the first area to the left, he's right there.

Yeah. Yeah.

You got this guy with the smoking hot wife.

You have a piano in your house, though, don't you?

You have my word.

You know, 8.

You know, l've always wanted a pad with a giant Lou Ferrigno statue,

You're wasting your time with that couple. Just FYl.

You're wearing a tuxedo. Think James Bond, all right?

Your best night in five years is watching Chocolate with Johnny Depp?

Your. . . Does he. . . I thought. . . No one plays?

All right

Because you're Pete. So Pistol Pete. Pistol Pete.

Can you believe it? No, I can't. It's amazing.

Come and take a load off, bud. Oh, man.

Did you say something? No

Excellent meat. So good.

Excellent. Come on.

Fine. All night long.

He does seem to be clenching. Yeah, he doesn't wanna fart.

Hey! Fuck you, Hulk!

I'm gonna go check on the table. All right. Yep.

I'm great. You know, I just got to. . . Okay.

I'm really nervous about this one. 'Cause you really like him.

I'm so sorry. Just get out of my fucking house.

If you couId give me a caII. Oh, my God.

l can actually explain what just. . . l would love to hear that.

l don't know, in a half an hour? Muscle Beach, half an hour.

l just wish you'd have told me. Well, I was embarrassed.

l, Zooey Rice. l, Zooey Rice.

My plezh. Okay. All right.

No, that's a reggae guy. What is that?

Okay, so what should be our last song? Into the Mystic.

Okay. All right. Keep your head down and fluid.

Seriously? No.

Sounds better on big speakers. l could see that.

Sydney something or other. Sydney. I like it.

Take you, Peter Klaven. Take you, Peter Klaven.

That was your favorite night? Yes.

That's a real thing. Yeah.

That's interesting. Yeah, I like that. Right?

This is silly. lndulge me.

This isn't a drop by. This is not a drop by.

We've spent some time together. l'll talk to him.

Well, have a good Pilates class. l will.

Wow. Peter!

Yeah, I don't play. Really? Why do you have a piano?

Yeah. No.

Yeah. You guys.

You ever been married? No.

You need a plastic bag or. . . No, I don't clean up after my dog.

You shouId come meet me. All right. Yeah, great

You're good at it now. Thank you.

Zooey just got engaged ! To who?

. . .the span of this, like, I don't know, 30 pages. it's insane. it's crazy.