Mr. Deeds (2002) Edit

A beloved visionary who turned a single radio station

A character no man could fake.

A long tim e with the squigglies.

A man with faith no man could shake.

A producer here at Inside Access?

A simple DNA test will show

A son born

A strength no man could break.

ABBA, the band?

Absolutely. Thanks. Love you, Anderson.

Acting weird, not myself.

Acting weird, not myself.

Actually, I just inherited $40 billion.

Actually, Stephen King

Actually, you're a little too tall.

After all, you're 82 years old.

After he finished with her cats,

After I'd come back from play.

After punching out some society types,

Ah!

Al, I'm gonna walk home.

All I want is your friendship, Emilio.

All my friends do this when they're wasted.

All of Blake's 50,000 employees

All of us here at IA take pride in our ability to handle

All of you and myself included,

All over this lovely little town, do you?

All right, baby, I'm ready for you.

All right, don't get all hyperactive on me, buddy.

All right, have a good night. My back hurts!

All right, Miss Kitty. Bye, bye.

All right, now. All right.

All right, so be it.

All right, thank you.

All right, thank you.

All right, they do it all the time. Here we go.

All right! All right! That was good.

All right.

All right.

All right. Here you go.

All the good times we could've had.

All this hip, snide, smart alecky...

All you Winchestertonfieldvillians,

Almost every day for 30 years.

Almost there.

Also, when Deeds gave away his fortune,

Although it is a shame about that Cedar fellow

Am I 82?

Am I out or safe?

Amen.

America's newest billionaire...

An instant classic!

And a tire swing in the front yard.

And Abbott and Costello movies.

And all the king's horses and all the king's men

And also wore more cologne than any man should wear.

And Blake Media contributes 50% of our budget.

And Blake Media is no more.

And broke my arm.

And burned myself with lit cigarettes.

And firing all those nice people.

And get back to work where the real challenges await.

And getting malted milkshakes.

And giving Mac McGrath the beating of a lifetime.

And going to some meetings with you. What?

And have a New York City dinner with me?

And he always tried to do the right thing.

And he ran me all the way to Dr. Pepper's.

And he was dreaming about becoming a disc jockey someday.

And I ain't even gonna touch a football

And I don't know what my natural hair color is anymore.

And I got to hang out with him, just like this,

And I have information that will help you get Deeds out of town.

And I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love...

And I must follow it now in love.

And I really did have that Holly Hobbie notebook

And I remember the time I fell out of old Boo Radley's apple tree

And I want that guy's life story by then. I'm talking to you, Jim.

And I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life

And I'd like to live up to my word.

And I'd like to win you a Super Bowl.

And I'm a little sensitive about it.

And I'm also talking to you, Babe. Babe?

And I'm going to recite it for you.

And I'm going to see him tonight,

And I'm telling him everything.

And in so many areas

And it cannot be allowed to happen.

And it cannot be allowed to happen.

And it made me realize I don't know who I am.

And just whack my foot.

And know that we are always here for you.

And let the Post take your story?

And letting Deeds find out about it.

And make a difference in the world.

And make a difference in the world.

And Mama, she passed while giving the birth to me.

And my arm is killing me!

And my daddy wants to speak to you.

And my father, before he passed away

And people might think any instability you show

And put Bubble Yum in our hair

And renegotiate my bullshit contract.

And sends it to one of the big card companies.

And sources indicate that Blake,

And squeeze my girlfriend's big, fake boobs.

And stupidity won in straight sets.

And that bullshit you're talking about paid for all of it.

And that I would go to the end of the earth.

And that time we drank all the beers?

And the linguini. That actually took me

And the rightful heir to $40 billion!

And there's nothing you can do to stop me.

And they got some cartoons in there also.

And they have this say at the annual stockholders' meeting.

And this is the dining room where we would have our meals

And what do you do now?

And what do you do now?

And what do you want to tell me?

And when he was age nine,

And writing notes in my little Holly Hobbie notebook.

And yeah, I wanted to slide down those wicked awesome poles.

And you can go home $40 billion richer.

And you nearly succeeded according to Miss Dawson.

And you ordered chicken parmesan?

And you stop soaping your ass.

And you, Long Long Longfellow,

And you'll get your $40 billion.

And you're gonna work for 60 Minutes,

Anderson, what's up, buddy?

Anderson, you liked that, didn't you?

Any customers?

Anything to take back what I did to him.

Anyway, your chicken parmesan should be ready soon.

Anyways, this is what happened to my uncle.

Apology accepted.

Are gonna buy that stock for $40 billion,

Are you all right?

Are you okay?

Are you sure about that?

As this guy's pretending to be.

At, like, 3:00 in the morning, and DJ for an hour.

Awesome job, by the way, Your Majesty.

Babe, no one is as good

Babe, this footage you're getting, gorgeous.

Babe, what are you staying here for? I have a spare bedroom.

Babe? Where's Babe?

Ball boy!

Ball boy.

Be careful, Deeds!

Bear a striking resemblance to Babe Bennett,

Because he doesn't share our sense of ironic detachment.

Because he lived a life of love.

Because he was a super cool guy.

Because I am so deeply in love with you,

Because I don't think so.

Because of him, 50,000 people have jobs.

Before she starts boning other guys, kid. Boo Yah!

Begging you to give me another chance

Besides, you don't want to have to touch my right foot.

Biggest mistake of your lives!

Blah, blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp.

Blue shutters and a big red door.

Blue shutters, red door, tire swing.

Boy, you kind of snuck up on me there.

Bring your bony ass over here. Whoo!

Bullshit!

But bounced back after a statement

But call me if you need me, all right?

But don't forget, he was related to you.

But don't stoop to their level.

But everybody was too scared to talk to him.

But he ain't fooling me.

But I got a feeling it's gonna end

But I know some people who like them.

But I needed to spice it up a bit.

But I really love you.

But I suggest you change your attitude,

But I think anything over $30 billion's just gravy.

But if I lose control of this company, it'll be catastrophic.

But if you came to Mandrake Falls,

But if you want to be my friend, I'll take that.

But it can't hurt to pretend.

But kind of in a grosser way.

But money, that was the last thing I thought about.

But my grandma said to me,

But now they're on their way back

But that Hallmark is one tough cookie to crack.

But that's awful!

But the problem is what can happen when you decide

But the weird thing is I got no feeling left in it.

But they made an unscheduled stop in Connecticut.

But until then...

But wait. Doesn't Pam Dawson

But what happens when a reporter becomes part of what she's reporting?

But while I'm gone, I know I'll miss you all a lot.

But you are preaching to the wrong choir.

But you don't look too sick to me, Murph.

But you're not those things you wanted to be, are you?

Buy a giraffe.

By Blake's longtime number 2, Chuck Cedar.

Bye.

Bye.

Byron?

Calm down. Calm down.

Can I take you to the hospital?

Can we give you a ride to the airport?

Can you slink down?

Cat killer! Cat killer!

Cecil Anderson, General Counsel of Blake Media.

Chicken parmesan? Terrific, thank you.

Chop that wood!

Chuck and I, along with some of the partners,

Chuck Cedar.

Chuck, I think we're there.

Come on, Babe, snap out of it.

Come on, big man. Upsy daisy.

Come on, I know I didn't. I wanted to be a fireman.

Come on, it's little Pammy Dawson!

Come on, sit down, please.

Come on, we'll catch you.

Come on, you okay? You okay?

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Congratulations, Deeds,

Congratulations, you have a spastic colon.

Cool. Why would you want to do that?

Could we renegotiate and pay you less?

Could you put on Channel 8, please?

Couldn't think of anything else that rhymes with schlub.

Crazy Eyes!

Crazy Eyes!

Crazy lady! Babies, where are you?

Customers? Oh, sick kids.

Cute, bigmouth. Sir?

Damn you, Old Spice.

Damn, these things are fast!

Dancing around like the Keebler Elf.

Dated April 12, 1957.

Deeds joined forces with the original bad boy of tennis, John McEnroe.

Deeds, be careful!

Deeds, I can't come to work today.

Deeds, Kevin won the Heisman Trophy two years ago.

Deeds, nice to meet you.

Deeds, Preston Blake was your mother's uncle.

Deeds, there's something I have to tell you.

Deeds!

Deeds!

Deeds!

Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!

Deeds! Help!

Deeds.

Deeds.

Deeds.

Deeds.

Deedsy was always the best speaker in school.

Deedsy, you sick ass mo' fo'.

Deedsy?

Depraved and insane is better.

Did anybody here dream about becoming a psychiatrist?

Did you dream about becoming a savvy investor one day

Did you used to have a kind of hump on your back?

Didn't feel that. Isn't that awesome?

Disguised as a giant carton of ice cream.

Dismantling this company

Do I absolutely have to?

Do I remember?

Do you get any famous people in here?

Do you have any idea how much you hurt him?

Do you know when he'll be back?

Do you people want to be tabloid journalists?

Do you remember their names?

Do you remember when we went to the zoo,

Do you think you can hang on for a second?

Do you write your poems with a crayon, Deeds?

Does anyone know a Dr. Mendlesohn?

Does anyone wish to make a statement?

Doesn't he look like Mr. French?

Doesn't try to run me over with his motorcycle again.

Doing a little business.

Don't be a sucker.

Don't be misled. These are all lies.

Don't be silly, Deeds.

Don't be sorry, that was unbelievable.

Don't worry about a thing, Deedsy, I'll take care of everything.

Don't worry about it, he'll be back.

Don't worry about what happened.

Don't worry, I'll get him.

Don't worry! Get up there now. Get going!

Don't you go and spend it all on some fancy record player.

Don't you, Johnny Mac?

Done.

Dr. Pepper?

Drawn up for you to sign.

Dreamt about her last night.

Easy with that Longfellow stuff.

Either for or against this buyout plan.

Either for or against this buyout plan.

Emilio, it looks beautiful. Thank you.

Enjoy your Pebbles.

Enough about that. Tell me more about this girl.

Enough!

Even the little guy.

Even though his face was frozen that way,

Even when your bosoms sag down to the floor.

Every Monday, he tries out a few and then he chooses one

Every stockholder, large and small,

Every story with sensitivity and empathy...

Every time I would tell her I had a tummy ache,

Everybody drive home safe.

Everybody made a compromise,

Everything's fine here. Take that with you.

Except these crazy eyes.

Excuse me,

Excuse me, Reverend, that was a grand slam.

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Is Mr. Deeds around?

Family, safe, good.

Family.

Famous, rich, powerful.

Fellows!

Fifi, get over here right now.

Fifty years have passed by with laughter and tears.

Finally time for this poor schlub

Finally time for this poor schlub.

Find out what I'm supposed to be doing today.

Fire?

Football!

For a little while, I was a big part of this company.

For even thinking about doing this.

For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.

For ladies in distress, as it were.

For the moment, you are the largest stockholder,

For The New Yorker.

French fries and Oreos. You know me all too well, Deeds.

Friends.

From Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

Gave me goose bumps.

Get into my Mercedes, drive to my Fifth Avenue apartment,

Get it out of him!

Get your hands off me! I'm Chuck Cedar!

Getting a substantial premium for our shares.

Give me an hour to pack, okay?

Give us a card!

Giving birth to a son.

Go ahead, give it a whack.

Go ahead, jump on it.

Go ahead. Nothing.

Go away!

Go away! No! I can't leave without me kitties.

Go back to New Hampshire, and enjoy being rich.

Go make yourself at home.

God, how can we do this to such a sweet guy?

God, that was good stuff. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Golly. Well...

Gonna miss you, Babe. Something fierce.

Good idea. School is for fools. Look at me!

Good kick, honey. Good kick.

Good luck. See you at the office.

Good parking job, buddy.

Good throw, Deeds!

Good to meet you guys. Thank you.

Goodbye!

Goodbye.

Gosh, I hope that mugger got home okay.

Got to ask you, though, if it hits you, is it my point or yours?

Great. Well, we can't go out drinking

Guam's paying off at 1,000 to 1.

Hallmark said it showed some potential, which is pretty cool.

Hallmark?

Hang in there. Hang in there, buddy!

Happy to do it, Deeds.

Hard to breathe, feels like floating.

Hard to breathe, feels like floating.

Has a say in the operation of this company.

Have we met?

He adored Hawaiian Punch.

He came and he scooped me up,

He can bullshit everybody else,

He doesn't deserve this.

He doesn't deserve you.

He gave away something that wasn't his.

He gave me $40 billion, though.

He had a water fountain in his room. I love it.

He is our best player.

He lives at a pizzeria?

He lives upstairs. He owns it.

He must have monkey blood in him or something.

He needs to know how bad I feel.

He saved that woman and her seven cats.

He says he's from the Mandrake Falls Fire Department.

He thinks it's you! He thinks it's you!

He turned his sights on Miss Keeling herself.

He was a pretty interesting man.

He writes greeting cards.

He wrote that he had the only family

He'll probably punch you in the face.

He's a goodhearted guy who we think is a weirdo

He's always wearing his hat and doing his thing.

He's dead.

He's gone away, too soon, it seems,

He's gonna die!

He's good.

He's just gotta watch his language in front of the ladies.

He's not a dipshit.

He's right. I would've beat my greedy ass red.

He's still pretty frozen.

He's trying to kill me.

Headed for Mandrake Falls. Where?

Hell, yeah!

Hello, everybody. I'm Deeds.

Hello, folks at home.

Hello, folks at home.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Miss Dawson, nice to meet you.

Help, I'm being mugged! All right! Come on!

Help!

Help! Help! I'm being mugged!

Help. What are you talking about?

Here are some aspirins, Mr. Deeds.

Here comes the black foot.

Here I am, 100 yards from the top of Mount Everest.

Here I go, here I go.

Here in New York tomorrow afternoon.

Here it comes.

Here we go! Whoo!

Here's to a big night on the town.

Heroic is nice.

Hey, buddy, how you doing? You want to give it a shot?

Hey, Deeds.

Hey, Deeds. How you doing, pal?

Hey, get that fireplace poker right there

Hey, handshakes are for strangers.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, I saw what you did to those guys

Hey, I'll give you a hint.

Hey, man! What's up?

Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Deeds.

Hey, Sully, who's that guy up there? I don't know.

Hey, wait a minute. I'm a Blake employee.

Hey, we're gonna wire your apartment

Hey, who are your friends?

Hey.

Hi, Deeds? It's Pam. Pam Dawson.

Hi, Mrs. Finch and Atticus.

Hi, my name is Deeds.

His funeral's today?

His latest victim, Coretta Keeling,

His voting rights and left the city.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Holy cannoli, you're John McEnroe!

Holy cow!

Holy jeez!

Holy shit, it's a cat!

Holy shit! Let's get cracking.

Holy shit! This sucks.

How about $1 billion?

How can I thank you?

How come you...

How did I get in these pajamas?

How do you think I did at the funeral today?

How the hell does he climb like that?

How wonderful! I thought you died.

How would you like to do something with me tonight?

How would you like to go see the sights now, Miss Dawson?

How you doing there, Mr. Ward?

How'd they get that footage?

How'd you know that?

How're you flat broke?

How's that Frosty treating you, Cecil?

How's your wife? She's fine.

Huh?

Huh? Oh.

Huh? What?

Huh. That explains a lot.

I actually was thinking about maybe sticking around here

I actually, I thought I would say something.

I always thought I'd meet a girl, kind of, the same way.

I always wanted to do that.

I am a volcano of lust.

I am assisting you with your sock change.

I am Emilio, sir. I am your servant.

I am so sorry.

I am very, very sneaky, sir.

I apologize for the language.

I call this 50th Anniversary Card.

I came here to try to explain.

I can get this moron to do the same.

I can't believe it!

I can't believe they dragged her in this. 28 year old school nurse

I can't stop thinking about you.

I changed you.

I did.

I did.

I didn't realize I'd be following

I don't belong here.

I don't drink very often.

I don't even remember taking her home. Is she okay?

I don't got to sell my shares right away,

I don't know about that, Mr. French.

I don't know about that.

I don't know who licked the red off your lollipop today, son,

I don't like licorice or my ankles.

I don't like them.

I don't think so. I haven't done anything stupid all day.

I don't think that poor boy ever had a date.

I don't want that money. Just give it to a charity.

I fear you're underestimating the sneakiness, sir.

I feel like he did it really streaky.

I fell out of Boo Radley's apple tree,

I got a statement.

I got it!

I got this back for you, though.

I got to get back on duty.

I got you. I got you.

I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it.

I gotta go. Freaking barber!

I grew up in Syosset, Long Island.

I had such a wonderful time.

I hail from Spain, sir.

I have brown eyes

I have here the Blake Media ledger

I have here the diary of Preston Blake.

I have lawyers looking through birth records

I have much work to do.

I have to find him,

I hope sometime to see your hometown.

I just need to perhaps walk it off or...

I just want to thank you for teaching my boy a lesson.

I just wanted to see if there's anything I should be doing today.

I just watch 'cause I suspect that anchorman of being an evil leprechaun.

I kind of hope he does.

I kind of own this place, right?

I kind of promised Miss Dawson I'd take her out sightseeing.

I know another guy named Greg. You want me to call him up?

I know it's gross, but grab it.

I know who you are.

I know you're starting to like it, aren't you?

I know, I know. Come here.

I learned much from him.

I like feet. I do not know why.

I like that beard. Abe Lincoln style. Have a seat, boys.

I like that.

I like that. I'll think of something good, okay?

I love Bruce Springsteen, Almond ROCA,

I love it.

I love New York!

I love the Beach Boys.

I love you completely, with all my soul.

I love you, Mom,

I made a card for you. It's kind of dumb.

I may seem funny to you,

I mean, he's been his closest confidant for more than 20 years.

I mean, I only got three hours of sleep last night.

I mean, look at him.

I mean, no.

I mean, that part with soaring with the eagles

I mean, the Dolphins are overrated,

I missed my mother.

I must insist on absolute secrecy regarding this discussion

I need this story. I'm flat broke,

I never worked on anything harder, though,

I now control 49% of this company.

I only got one for you guys this week,

I operate a pornographic website.

I own a chain of slaughterhouses.

I promise to love you for 50 years more,

I read it in his diary.

I read the Mandrake Falls Gazette

I really like you a lot.

I really love you.

I remember walking down to the corner drugstore

I saved his life.

I saw a couple over there. It's their anniversary.

I saw your face, you were like...

I see that. My name's Deeds.

I see why you brought me here.

I served on the board of the Guggenheim with him.

I sing at the Metropolitan Opera,

I slept in Tom and Roseanne's dumpster for two days

I still feel bad.

I stole it and read it. Please don't be mad at me.

I suppose I could check out the sights.

I swear to God, I think she's the one.

I swear to God, I'm not trying to do that.

I think I can really do some good if I just got another chance.

I think I drank all the alcohol in Manhattan last night.

I think I found Fifi.

I think I got strep throat.

I think I just shat myself.

I think I remember you.

I think I snapped my uncle's hand off

I think the Pats could take the conference this year.

I think you and I could help each other out, Mr. McGrath.

I thought we were watching Scooby Doo.

I thought you were sick today.

I thought you'd done this before.

I told you that's a surprise.

I took the liberty of sending her off in the company limousine.

I tried to make my own at home,

I try.

I used to go around interviewing everyone,

I vote aye.

I want a raise, Mac.

I want more money, or y'all can just suck my...

I want to cut you into eight slices of bitcheroni.

I wanted to be a florist.

I wanted to be a good reporter.

I wanted to be a magician.

I wanted to be a man.

I wanted to be a news reporter.

I wanted to be a ping pong champion.

I wanted to be the guy everybody called on if they were in trouble.

I wanted to help people,

I warned you.

I was a rodeo clown for six years.

I was dreaming about Frosties all last night. You?

I was having an asthma attack. I couldn't find my puffer.

I was Preston Blake's great nephew.

I was reading my great uncle's journal on my way over to you.

I was talking to that squirrel over there.

I was telling you about.

I was thinking of going down to that Inside Access place

I was very gentle, sir.

I was wicked rich and powerful.

I wasn't talking to you, Deeds.

I watch the stock market channel all the time.

I will do good things, good things for everyone.

I woke up and you were standing over my bed, breathing heavily.

I won't be able to see her.

I won't.

I would call Dr. Pepper.

I would do anything,

I would like to read a passage from Mr. Blake's diary

I would really rather not, sir.

I would've thrown myself off the merry go round.

I would've thrown myself off the merry go round.

I would've tied myself naked to a chair

I wrote a poem for him on my way over here, in my head.

I'd imagine he'd be very spooky.

I'd love to do something with you.

I'd probably knock your heads in.

I'll be all right. I just feel a little dizzy and violated.

I'll be up there in a jiff, buddy.

I'll bring the beers, I'll bring the beers.

I'll give you one.

I'll go get my suit on.

I'll keep an eye on the company for you, buddy. Love you.

I'll miss you.

I'll remind Kevin where he comes from.

I'll take that.

I'll take you straight to him.

I'll tell you everything I know over lunch tomorrow

I'll tell you where he is.

I'm a junior producer at Inside Access.

I'm a school nurse.

I'm coming!

I'm Deeds, by the way.

I'm Deeds, by the way.

I'm doing a one nighter for biting Ed the mailman.

I'm fine.

I'm glad that guy was around.

I'm going on the air in two hours' time.

I'm gonna come over there and I'm gonna choke you to death.

I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna get you.

I'm happy for you. I am.

I'm heading down now, sir. I advise you to do the same.

I'm in control!

I'm in love with him.

I'm just kidding you, pal.

I'm just kidding you. I got him big time, man.

I'm nailed to the ground here.

I'm not from here. I'm just visiting.

I'm okay.

I'm really sorry.

I'm Reuben, sir.

I'm scared.

I'm so cold. Please!

I'm so excited.

I'm so happy I got the Big Bacon Classic.

I'm so happy you called. I'm wicked sorry about last night.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, all I heard was,

I'm sorry, Deeds.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Chuck, Cecil,

I'm still very worried about this.

I'm sure I'll be all right.

I'm sure it's been an exhausting day.

I'm that excited!

I'm the biggest sucker in the world, fellows.

I'm with you.

I've been here.

I've been trying to get my stuff published for years,

I've got too much doo doo in my underpants.

I've never been to New York before.

I've never heard of him.

If she just gives me a sign, an opening.

If you didn't play well,

In all 50 states, Puerto Rico, and Guam.

In fact, the two are one and the same.

In fact, we have a little pool going.

In Iowa.

In the company's stock valued at $40 billion?

Including his longtime barber

Interested?

International House Pancake.

Into a global media empire.

Is pretty darned psyched about it.

Is something the matter, sir?

Is that right? What part?

Is that who I think it is? Who?

Is this a joke to you?

Isn't that sick?

It appears this divestiture has been defeated.

It has its ups and downs.

It is an unspeakable outrage,

It is my money!

It looked to me like he was a happy guy. Am I right?

It looks like the Monopoly guy over there

It looks like you won't have to be delivering pizzas anymore, Deeds.

It says, It's hard to soar with the eagles

It was so great seeing everybody again.

It'll be all over the news in an hour.

It'll take us a couple days to get the papers

It's a letter from Hallmark.

It's a magazine. Uh huh.

It's all good.

It's all right. I told him he could have that.

It's amazing!

It's an honor to work with New York's bravest guys.

It's beautiful.

It's gonna be fun. Just grab it.

It's nice of you to have invited me

It's nice to see you, too, sir.

It's some little hick ass town in New Hampshire.

It's true.

Jake, the gas station attendant,

January 23, 1958.

Jeez, I hope they don't play the Pats in the playoffs,

Jeezum crow, how'd you get down here so fast?

Just a little town nobody's ever heard of.

Just call me Deeds, pal.