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Home > Monty Python and the Holy...
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Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a film released in 1975, is a legendary British comedy that has attained a cult following over the years. This satirical take on the legendary King Arthur and his quest for the Holy Grail is packed with absurd humor and unforgettable characters. The cast includes the iconic Monty Python comedy troupe members, such as Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin. Their brilliant comedic timing and hilarious antics make this film a timeless classic. From the sword-wielding Black Knight to the Knights who say "Ni!", the absurdity of the situations and dialogue keep audiences entertained and laughing uproariously. To relive the humor of this remarkable film, you can play and download sounds from Monty Python and the Holy Grail here.

A certain special something.
A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
A newt?
A path!
A self perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes...
A shrubbery!
A swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second.
A very brave and influential knight...
A what?
A witch!
A witch! A witch!
A witch! We found a witch!
Accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
Actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
Ah, no. Never. We've no shrubberies here.
All between 16 and 19 and a half...
All right, sonny, that's enough. Just pack that in.
All right, we'll call it a draw.
All right?
All right?
All right. We'll kill him first, then have tea and biscuits.
All the kings said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp...
All you can see stretched over the hills and valleys of this land.
An African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow.
Anarcho syndicalist is a way of preserving freedom.
And "I'm not worthy."
And after the spanking, the oral sex.
And again.
And anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats..."
And Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required...
And chickening out and pissing off home
And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet
And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin
And I feel sure that the merger... the union...
And join us at the Round Table?
And make sure he doesn't leave.
And Monsieur Arthur King who has the brain of a duck.
And my special guest here today.
And no singing!
And now, the big one!
And packing it up and sneaking away and buggering off
And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin...
And so we're looking for it.
And that, my Liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
And that, my Liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
And that's what you're gonna get.
And the brave but dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot...
And the Grail is there?
And the Holy Grail...
And the Lord did grin...
And the number of the counting shall be three.
And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp...
And there was much rejoicing.
And there was much rejoicing.
And therefore?
And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?
And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
And we shall watch and pray.
And wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.
And what do you burn, apart from witches?
And winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight into autumn.
And your father smelt of elderberries!
Anyway, on to scene 24, a smashing scene with lovely acting...
Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Are you sure he's got one?
Armaments, chapter 2, verses 9 to 21.
Arthur
Arthur, having consulted his closest knights...
Arthur, king of the Britons...
As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward...
Ask me the questions, bridge keeper. I am not afraid.
Ask me the questions. I am not afraid.
At a special biweekly meeting...
At last! A call! A cry of distress!
Ayear passed.
Bathing, dressing, undressing...
Because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
Behind the rabbit?
Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail.
Between the princess...
Bloody weather.
Blue. No, yel...
Bones of full 50 men...
Brave Sir Robin ran away
Brave, brave Concord, you shall not have died in vain.
Brave, brave Concord, you shall not have died in vain.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin
Bravely ran away, away
Bravely, bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot
Bread. Apples.
Bring her forward.
Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade.
Burn her anyway!
Burn the witch!
Burn them!
But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified...
But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
But follow only if ye be men of valor!
But I built it all the same, just to show 'em.
But I don't like her.
But I don't suppose you could tell us where we might find a...
But I don't want land.
But I want the girl that I marry to have...
But if he had to leave and we were with him...
But now we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.
But other illustrious names were soon to follow.
But the Grail! Where is the Grail?
But there is one small problem.
But they were no nearer the Grail.
But we are nice, and we will attend to your every need.
But you are dressed as one.
But, Father, I don't want any of that.
By a simple majority in the case of internal affairs.
By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma...
Camelot? Are you from Camelot?
Can say "Ni" at will to old ladies.
Can you hang around? He won't be long.
Can you tell us...
Castle Anthrax?
Charge!
Charge!
Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Come no further, for death awaits you all...
Come on, back. Right back. Come on.
Come on, Concord.
Come, come. You must try to rest.
Come, Patsy.
Concord, speak to me!
Consult the "Book of Armaments."
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
Daffy English "k****its"!
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
Did you kill all those guards?
Dismount!
Do it. Go away.
Do you think this scene should have been cut?
Do your worst.
Does wood sink in water?
Don't be afraid of him. I've got a rope all ready.
Don't grovel. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Don't let any of them go through.
Don't like her? What's wrong with her?
Don't worry about that.
Dr. Piglet, Dr. Winston, practice your art.
Dramatically?
Dramatically.
Ere the other side he see.
Ere the other side he see.
Every time I talk to someone, it's "Sorry this" and "Forgive me that"...
Exactly.
Excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Excuse me. Could somebody give me a push, please?
Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
Filthy fiends. I'll tear them apart.
Fine. I don't want to waste any more of your time.
Five is right out.
Follow!
For it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.
For, since her own father...
Forward.
Four if they had a coconut on a line between them. If the birds walked...
Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two...
Frank!
French persons!
Get a blanket on that one.
Get on with it!
Get on with it!
Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!
Go and tell your master...
Go get a glass of water.
Go on, clear off. Go away.
God be praised!
Good idea.
Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you.
Greetings, King Arthur.
Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
Guards!
Had enough, eh?
Has just fallen to his death.
Have at you!
Have at you! Come on, then.
Have we got bows?
He asks each traveler five questions...
He can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
He can leap about...
He is brave Sir Robin Brave Sir Robin who...
He is sneaking away and buggering off
He knows of a cave.
He was not afraid to die O brave Sir Robin
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
He who is valiant and pure of spirit...
He's already got one, you see.
He's getting better.
He's going to tell He's going to tell
He's got huge, sharp...
Heave!
Hello, daffy English "k****its"...
Hello!
Hello!
Hello? Who is it?
Her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite...
Here in Anthrax we have one punishment for lighting the grail shaped beacon.
Here in this forest.
His head smashed in, his heart cut out His liver removed, his bowels unplugged
His nostrils ****d, his bottom burnt off And his penis...
Hold it!
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
How dare you profane this place with your presence!
How many did we lose?
How you English say, I one more time...
Hurry, Sir Lancelot.
Hurry. I am ready.
Hurry. Let's go.
I am an enchanter.
I am Arthur, king of the Britons.
I am Arthur, king of the Britons.
I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."
I am not.