Dumb and Dumber To (2014) Edit

A family reunion in no time.

A gift for Dr. Barbara Walcott

A gift to all humanity.

A little squirrelly on the corners,

Actually, there were four cupcakes, sir.

Adele, what do you say we call Penny right now

ADELE: (WHISPERING) Calm down.

ADELE: Is it done? (SIGHS) No.

ADELE: What's happening? BARBARA: I have no idea.

ADELE: You're in Maryland.

Adele?

ADELE". Please stop that.

After 22 years, what's another couple of hours, right?

After all you've done for him?

After kidney surgery to have sex?

After you left for El Paso,

Age is just a letter, man.

Ah, Christmas like the holiday?

Ah, look who's arrived. Tom Brady

Ah.

Ahhh! (GASPS)

All I saw was the toothbrush. So maybe I took...

All proprietary rights.

All right, all right, all right. Aw.

All right, I'll take the bait. Who's the third best?

All right, so it's agreed, I'm king of the car, right?

All right, um, yes, then I'll have someone

All right.

All right.

All right. But make sure nobody knows they paid us a visit.

All right. Here you go.

All right. Hop on.

All this means is that your real parents are out there somewhere.

All you do is imagine that you're in your underwear.

Almost two decades and he still comes.

Am I right?

An invention that ends world hunger.

And a bone.

And all mankind deserves free access to it

And ask him for some chick's number.

And boing, you hit her up for the kidney.

And entertain you...

And even if it had worked out,

And get her to call me on this.

And go find that little girl! (CHUCKLING)

And he can't take her kidneys.

And he will lead them straight to Penny.

And his associate, Dr. Christmas.

And I also brought you some hydroponically grown goji berries

And I don't know what to say to her.

And I don't mean to be insensitive,

And I got this pork chop.

And I know popcorn. I'm the second best popcorn maker I know.

And I lost the ticket that they need to take, plus, I lost my pass.

And I thought that I grabbed it,

And I will go to the ends of the earth to...

And I'm gonna make sure it gets to my daughter, safe and sound.

And I'm supposed to be making the speech,

And I've never joined anything. Ever.

And if I can't find another kidney real soon, I'm dead meat.

And it better be good.

And it has to be some place outside the convention center.

And it was all just for a gag?

And judge the Young Inventors competition?

And makes me get undressed in front of the computer

And many of us are interested in hearing his findings.

And maybe have his ass handed to him

And nobody farted,

And parked it a couple seconds ago?

And personally give it to the head of the conference, Dr. Walcott,

And say how sorry I am that I can't be there.

And she's headed right over here to meet him.

And slapped up some aluminum siding, it wouldn't be half bad.

And some organic pumpkin chips. Enjoy.

And take the billion dollar box.

And that box belongs to my husband.

And that is why I have relinquished

And the cruelty of this got me to thinking.

And the good thing about having no identity

And the gravitational lensing of background radiation.

And the speech is supposed to start right now,

And then

And then when Harry and Lloyd showed me

And then when you're ready...

And there's no way they'll let me in without a ticket.

And there's no way you're mistaken?

And threw Butthole inside his place when we were leaving.

And volunteer at one of those leprechaun colonies.

And we almost...

And we were kicking field goals with it

And we were told this is where she lives.

And we will resume, uh, shortly.

And you and I were doing cartwheels

And you filled him with wonder.

And you just seemed a little too upbeat.

And you let me come here every Wednesday for, like, a thousand weeks,

And you never had to change all those poopie diapers.

And you owed me 40 bucks

And you were faking? Uh huh.

And you're not my grandson!

And, Barbara, this is Dr. Pinchelow

And, frankly,

ANNOUNCER: Here's today's Mega Lottery picks, worth 34 million dollars.

ANNOUNCER: This type of evening always provides

Anybody have a pen?

Anyway

Anyway, would you tell her that I've located our daughter.

Anyway. Sorry about that whole thing.

Apparently he's better.

April's a leap month.

Are introduced and discussed.

Are you absolutely certain?

Are you all right? Uh, bad back.

Are you crazy? Pick those up!

Are you guys kidding? No! No!

Are you guys serious?

Are you hungry? Can I get you something to eat?

Are you not listening to me, Lloyd?

Are you okay, Hat'?

Are you okay, honey?

Are you saying... What I'm saying is,

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Are you smiling at me? Are you smiling at me?

Are you sure about Ms, Hat'?

Are you sure about this, Lloyd?

Are you sure you don't wanna come, Dad?

Are you sure?

Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

As long as she doesn't have AIDS. (INTERCOM BEEPS)

As Vince Lombardi used to say,

At Felcher and Felcher Funeral Parlor.

At least I'm gonna marry her.

At least we're in the door.

At my follow up appointment next Tuesday.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Dark matter is not a joke. (SQUEAKS)

Aw!

Award, honey.

Awesome!

Awesome! (CHUCKLES)

BARBARA: Have you found Dr. Pinchelow yet?

BARBARA: It's marvelous to meet you, Mrs. Pinchelow.

BARBARA: Oh, you're a leg puller!

Because Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back

Because he lost his passports and money.

Because he's never even been to a dentist.

Because I actually want to do important things in the world.

Because I don't even know what they're up to.

Because it wouldn't have been funny if I stopped too soon.

Because of the postcard.

Because of the postcard.

Because of this.

Because we never had sex.

Been there, done that.

Before Dumbelina gets back from that egghead convention, remember?

Bernard Pinchelow?

Bernard. Oh, thank God you're here.

Besides, I changed your poopie diapers for 20 years.

Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.

Better not be my heart. DOCTOR: No.

Billy's over the whole Petey thing.

Biscuit, come here, boy.

Boats are dangerous.

Bon appétit, kid!

BOTH: (CHANTING) Nerd!

BOTH: Booga! (SCREAMING)

BOTH: Break it up! Get off!

BOTH: Mmm.

BOTH: Oh. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

BOTH: Show us your tits!

Boy, I sure wish I could have been there for her when she was little.

Boy, this is quite a shack, huh, Har?

Boyfriend trouble?

Boys rule, girls drool.

Broom closet around here somewhere, huh?

Brought you all your favorite candies.

BUS DRIVER: Hey, guys!

Bush club!

Bushes like that don't come along every day.

But all the geeky science guys are gonna be so disappointed.

But don't you have to... (GRUNTING)

But don't you think it still would have been funny

But don'tjudge me till you see this.

But Dr. Pinchelow is right.

But first, why don't you join them.

But I didn't wanna worry you.

But I had finally figured out that you were faking.

But I thought he pulled through.

But I will ask that everyone please behave

But I'll bet I would have been a pretty good dad.

But I'm waiting for my dad and his friend, so if you'll excuse me.

But if you say you smelled a fart

But it cures cancer.

But it was too late.

But it's a little late for that.

But it's out of the question.

But it's still uncanny! (CHUCKLES)

But Penny doesn't give her speech until the night of May 2nd.

But Penny read me the letter.

But she never wrote me back.

But somehow they turned the tables on him.

But that kid kinda porked me when I traded him for the mini bike.

But that was a couple of years ago.

But that's where she pees!

But then I'm picking up a reward for my dad.

But there's a drawing board you should be getting back to.

But this is your dad.

But we can't seem to find Dr. Christmas on the roster.

But we're straight.

But we've gotta get this man's shoulder cleaned out.

But what about theinvenfion?

But what if I go like this?

But what would be the motive? (CHUCKLES)

But when I looked in my purse,

But when you got it on a straightaway...

But you know what?

But you know you're not our real son, right?

But, have you considered this,

But, Lloyd, Billy has over a hundred rare birds in there!

But, Lloyd, we don't have a phone number or address,

But, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow have Asperger's?

But, uh, he wanted me to ask you to find a nice, romantic place

But, wait. We have so much to talk about.

But... Harry, enough!

Bye, Grandma!

Can be injected into the human body

Can I have a new one, please?

Can I meet her?

Can it sing? (CROWD LAUGHS)

Can you bring me some more Pepto?

Can you call back later?

Can you give us a moment?

Can you hear me now?

Can you show us?

Can't I check them out now?

Can't you kill someone else?

Check it out, you take the funnel,

Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.

Close one. Any girlfriends?

Come on, bring it in!

Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!

Come on, Harry!

Come on, Harry!

Come on, let's get in line.

Come on, Siskel, give me a movie quote.

Come on! Pick it up!

Come! Come in!

Comedy is all about timing, Har.

Cool!

Cool!

Cool.

Could you repeat the question? (CROWD LAUGHS)

Cranston, Rhode Island?

Creative concepts andideas

Credentials, please?

Credentials, please.

Cripes! I was so close!

Dad, what are you saying? (SIGHS)

Dad, what did you do with all those Penthouses?

Dad!

Daddy's not gonna let him get anywhere near you.

Did she say diamonds?

Did you give him the key to our apartment?

Did you have a C section

Did you hide them inside this turkey?

Did you just feed them something?

Did you remember to bring the ATM card I gave you?

Did you throw them out?

Didn't you meet her through Pete Stainer?

Discoveries in human history

Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?

Do you believe that? Did you see what he did?

Do you guys have any idea where we are?

Do you happen to know where she is right now?

Do you know how long you have to wait

Do you know if Adele came with him?

Do you know what this means, Harry?

Do you love him long time? (CHUCKLES)

Do you mind?

Do you not realize what just fell into our laps?

Do you remember, you've been shot?

Do you suck the toe jam off Mommy and Daddy, too?

Does it have aspartame?

Does that mean I still have all my kidneys?

Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory?

Doesn't she look radiant? Tom's in agreement, I think.

Don't be glum, Har.

Don't deny it, Lloyd!

Don't do this, Lippincott.

Don't touch that joystick! (STRAINING)

Don't worry, when we get home,

Don't, Lloyd!

Double points.

Dr. Barbara Walcott.

Dr. Barbara Walcott.

Dr. Barbara? A lady doctor? Seriously?

Dr. Bernard Pinchelow.

Dr. Garabedian is a world renowned astrophysicist

DR. MELDMANN: Gentlemen.

DR. MELDMANN: So let's give a warm, KEN welcome

Dr. P encrusted that to me.

Dr. Pinchelow is coming.

Dr. Walcottjust had a wonderful idea.

Due to security concerns everyone must be on the list to get in.

Duh!

Easy.

Eat me. Suck it!

Eh! NObOdyI

Emergency that we find her.

Engage super thrusters!

England. Surrey.

Especially when you eat prunes!

Even if I find him, my kid's never met me.

Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?

Eventhough it's Christmas Eve,

Ever since you first saw her picture.

Every episode?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me, ma'am. Yes?

Excuse me, sir. ls Fraida working today?

Excuse me, Your Highness,

False fart!

Family.

Family. (CHUCKLES)

Fanny Felcher! Ow!

Fine.

Five million dollars buys a lot of champagne.

Flghtabove her bikini line.

Folks come from all over the city to buy it.

Follow me.

For my having canceled at the last moment.

For the cocktail reception, Dr. Pinchelow?

Forget it! (CHUCKLES)

Fraida Felcher.

FRAIDA: Are you ready, baby?

FRAIDA: Harry? (CHUCKLES)

FRAIDA: Penny, wonderful news!

FRAIDAI Like?

Fresh beers.

From that stupid worm farm loan.

From the gravitational effect on visible matter

From the gravitational effect on visible matter

Funny you should ask.

Gave his daughter up for adoption 20 something years ago

Gentlemen, I hate to break up this Mensa summit,

Gentlemen, this is not a kidney.

Get a good balance on that.

Get out of there! Move it!

Get over there! Get over there!

Get the box.

Get the box.

Getting a new kidney is a really big deal.

Give it to me.

Give me a hand over here. Si.

Give me the box! Here you go.

Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.

Go ahead, Lippincott, kill them.

Go up more.

Go! (ALL SCREAM)

God, and you're okay!

God, shut up! (BEEPS)

God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?

Good. Oh!

Good. Okay, keep looking at the sky. When you're ready.

Got any cash?

Got it.

Got ya!

Granny did a good thing!

Great!

Great. It's sold out. I'm dead.

Great. We have a seat saved for you in the front row.

Gross.

Gross.

Guys, hold on, all right? Look.

Guys, there's still one thing I don't understand.

Guys?

Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

Hand deliver the box to Penny? (GASPS)

Hand it over, buddy.

Hands behind your back. Hands behind your back. (GRUNTING)

Harry doesn't have a wife.

Harry Dunne!

Harry Dunne.

Harry, before you go, your mail piling up for many year.

Harry, don't you hear that?

Harry, holy cow.

Harry, Lloyd.

Harry, she's got me.

Harry, you not touch your peanut butter.

HARRY: Both Of them! LLOYD: (CHUCKLING) Yeah!

HARRY: Coming through. LLOYD: My bad!

HARRY: For starters, how was the pregnancy?

HARRY: Fraida!

HARRY: No one. LLOYD: Mmm hmm.

HARRY: There are a couple of hotties over here.

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Harry! There you are!

Harry?

Harry?

Harry.

HARRY'S DAD: Where you been?

HARRY'S MOM: Harry, Harry.

Has anybody seen this lovely, delicate angel?

Have you been doing yoga?

Have you seen her? Lovely and delicate.

He can't even be identified by his teeth

He donated them?

He drove a Zamboni!

He must be trying to sell the box.

He needs it.

He ran into some guy named Lloyd who was with your father.

He said it was something that would help everybody in the world, right?

He said she's on her way!

He showed up for us. Go find him.

He stole it from us.

He took off on us!

He took off on us.

He was

He won't let anything happen to the box.

He'll know how to reach her.

He's a good boy! Yes, he is!

He's going down!

He's got a gun! (ALL SCREAMING)

He's got the best rare bird collection in Rhody!

He's hooked on crack.

He)', Har!

Hello, Baxter. How are you? Good to see you.

Hello?

HERBERT: Hello, you've reached Herbert Felcher

Here we go!

Here we go. Oops!

Here you go, doctors.

Here you go, honey.

Here, let me turn them up.

Here, try this.

Here.

Here. (CHUCKLES)

Here's a picture I found of my daughter online.

Hers is on the side with the stamp.

Hey, all right. All right, that's good. Mmm...

Hey, Billy!

Hey, gang! I'm home!

Hey, Goldfinger!

Hey, guys, check this out!

Hey, guys, I know this is weird timing, but I gotta take this.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Hat.

Hey, hey! Get back here!

Hey, how do you know my...

Hey, Mr. Dunne!

Hey, Mr. Dunne.

Hey, sorry you got killed!

Hey, this is great!

Hey, Tom! Hey, Gus!

Hey, uh, Penny. Um...

Hey, wait a second.

Hey, wait a second.

Hey, wait.

Hey, where's my dad?

Hey, who's this? Ah.

Hey, you should pick out one of those coffins while we're here.

Hey, you wanna see something neat?

Hey,Penny!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Have you guys ever played "Funnel Nuts"?

Hey! Hey!

Hey! No, no, no! I mean,

Hi, barkeep.

Hi, I need to get in.

Hi, Lloyd, I'm Penny.

Hi, Pee Stain!

Hi!

Hi! This is a private message for Fraida Felcher.

His wife.

His words.

Hmm? (CHUCKLES)

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hold on.

Holidays and graduations.

Holy crap!

Holy crap!

Holy shit.

Honey, would you like some pancakes?

Hook, line and sphincter!

How about a hug?

How am I supposed to find the man in this throng

How can I ever thank you for what you did for me?

How can I forget? It's all you ever talk about.

How can you play one on one?

How come you get to meet her before I do?

How could either of you have possibly thought

How did you get this? (PANTING)

How do I even know that you know my dad?

How does a baked potato help everybody in the world?

How many days are in April?

How many did you put in there?

How much for a beer? It's gratis.

How stupid do we look? (CHUCKLES)

How was your trip from Maryland?

How would you like to come with us

How would you like to meet some relatives?

How you doing, buddy?

How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.

How's it going, Ice Pick?

How's your day?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh. Junk mail, junk mail.

Hurry, he's been shot!

I 9dr you so good!

I admit, it's thought provoking.

I almost forgot. There's one more thing.

I am gonna give that quack an earful

I am nervous! I'm about to meet my kid

I appreciate your concern, Adele,

I ate the two chocolate ones. Lloyd!

I believe it's a pork chop.

I bet you he don't pee sitting down.

I better get a map out of the bag, huh?

I brought some protection.

I call sloppy seconds!

I called the FBI to make sure Penny was protected.

I can't come here anymore.

I can't drop by his house in the middle of the night

I can't hear you, you're breaking up.

I can't wait to see what's in this.

I cannot live on this emotional roller coaster any longer.

I could eat the mud hole out of a dead skunk! (SNICKERING)

I couldn't stop wondering

I crossed the border into Mexico.

I didn't have a car. She always had to pick me up in her van.

I didn't take 34 years to come out of the closet

I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years.

I didn't wanna be a helicopter parent.

I do.

I don't even know cursive.

I don't know about this, Lloyd.

I don't know if I told you this, Har,

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know. Same stuff you talked about in high school

I don't think I'll have to wait too long.

I don't think so, mister.

I don't wanna argue with you guys all the way down to El Paso.

I don't want this coming back to us.

I failed you again!

I fathered a child.

I feel bad saying it, but you're slunk meat.

I feel really good, Har.

I figured

I forgot to get someone to feed Butthole. (SCOFFS)

I forgot.

I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.

I gave her up for adoption.

I got a hit.

I got a message that my daughter,

I got accepted to Arizona State.

I got it first!

I got it from my twin brother. He's Special Ops.

I got kind of a serious medical problem.

I got you so good!

I gotta see this.

I had a daughter. Named her Fanny. (EXHALES)

I had all the right numbers, but in the wrong order.

I had my kidney removed

I had to get somebody to pay your half of the rent

I have a theory.

I have an idea.

I have something to tell you that might freak you out a little bit,

I have your cell phone.

I haven't been home in over 20 years.

I hear you got a lot of flocking birds. (BOTH LAUGHING)

I hope something really bad happens to him.

I just ran into a Mexican guy who knows Penny.

I just spoke with his daughter, Penny, on the phone

I just wrote him a note, left some food

I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove,

I know exactly what we gotta do. (CRASHES)

I know he doesn't wipe real well.

I know how to get stuff done!

I know how to settle this.

I know it's never easy to relay this kind of sad news.

I know what you're up to, mister.

I know you've got more integrity than this!

I know, right? I've always wondered that!

I know!

I know! You're the gopher from Caddyshack.

I learned from the best.

I like it a lot.

I like what you've done with the place.

I love hellos.

I love hellos.

I love you!

I mean, at this exact moment in time, what do we do?

I mean, I would, in a New York heartbeat.

I mean, the shock treatments, the partial lobotomy!

I mean, what would we talk about?

I mean, you know, like...

I mean, you'd think it would be bad for their teeth.

I met her at the bar yesterday.

I must have taken hundreds of guys there.

I need a kidney transplant.

I need something to drink.

I never needed a kidney!

I ordered a vanilla shake and they gave me a chocolate one.

I played with your boobies for a long time that night.

I recognized that the handwriting

I regretted it as soon as I did it.

I remember I kicked one over the telephone wires, and you said...

I remember one afternoon,

I think he wanted us to have a chance to bond.

I think I gotta pinch a loaf.

I think I know a shakedown when I see one.

I think I know where we are.

I think I might have turned them up too high!

I think I've got a couple...

I think I've got it here, somewhere.

I think it might be a baked potato.

I think it might be on the inside! (LAUGHS)

I think she can do better.

I think so.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

I think we might have a hustler here, Har.

I think you mean Ireland.

I thought it had to be four numbers.

I thought those Canadian accents were a little shaky.

I thought you said you never played before.

I thought you'd want to know. (SIGHS)

I totally sucked you in.

I trust you had a safe journey in?

I turned out fine. My mom smoked like a chimney.

I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.

I want them dead, now! Now! Do you hear me?

I want you to bone her like a chicken cutlet.

I want you to know that there's no place I would rather be

I want you to take all the diamonds with you when you go.

I want you to take this box

I wanted it to be a surprise, Adele. (EXHALES)

I was a paperboy for a week.

I was a titanic whore.

I was about to be a single mom and I needed money.

I was about to be a single mom and I needed money.

I was sick of mowing the lawn.

I was trying to clean off this smudge!

I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.

I wonder what's in this sucker.

I wondered why my kidney had grill marks.

I wrote her a letter.

I'd already signed away all my rights.

I'd give it to you myself.

I'd like you to meet the director of the conference,

I'll be honest. It's not my favorite thing.

I'll be right back.

I'll come up with a plan.

I'll do it. I got it.

I'll get you a freshie.

I'll lend you a car.

I'll see them. Let them in. (INTERCOM BUZZING)

I'll take out the guys, get the box.

I'll tell you what, warden.

I'm a hack. (CROWD GASPS)

I'm about to kill you.

I'm about to meet my kid!

I'm fixing lunch for my husband.

I'm Fraida.

I'm Fraida. LLOYD: Oh.

I'm going to say probably not.

I'm going with them? Why the hell did you tell him that?

I'm gonna fix you up with someone your own age.

I'm gonna go fetch the, uh, director of the conference,

I'm gonna say this one more time.

I'm gonna write an IOU and I'm gonna leave it blank.

I'm her father, Lloyd,

I'm here to help you out.

I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.

I'm just not a urine match. (MEOWS)

I'm making you some nice warm oatmeal.

I'm not finding anything. (CHUCKLES)

I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd.

I'm not gonna sit around sniffing your farts like some kinda truffle pig.

I'm not gonna steal an old lady's hearing aid!

I'm not stupid.

I'm Penny's baby papa.

I'm reading his mind. Mmm hmm. I'm picking it up, too.

I'm sorry, lady! We're looking for Fanny Felcher!

I'm sorry, Lloyd, but I gotta get back to the convention.

I'm sorry, sir. What is this?

I'm sorry, your name is?

I'm supposed to be giving a big speech for my dad any minute.

I'm sure she'll appreciate all the trouble you've gone to

I'm sure those janitors will thank us later. Mmm.

I'm sure we could work something out.

I'm the deadbeat dad, notyou.

I'm the good guy here! All right.

I'm the one who supplied you with the untraceables.

I'm the only Fraida in the family.

I'm thinking about getting new speakers.

I'm thinking of a number between one and three.

I'm way too flu ey to travel.

I'm worried about you.

I've always wanted to go to India

I've been hiding them from those thieving lawyers.

I've been looking all over for you.

I've been racking my sack about that.

I've got the diamonds.

I've had a full life.

I've known about this for a while,

I've seen every episode of Full House.

If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain,

If I recall,

If I'm leaving,

If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father,

If she doesn't want to meet me,

If she introduced me to one of her hot girlfriends.

If she's my kid,

If we find Fraida, we find your kid.

If we find your kid, we find your kidney.

If we put too much in at once, it could show up in an autopsy.

If you don't eat it, it doesn't come true.

If you had told me you were kidding before I lost my vital organ?

If you say who dealt it,

If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it,

In a baggie. (CHUCKLING)

In a couple of games of Dig Dug.

In a professional and dignified...

In case you need me late at night.

In front of the room service guy here, eh? (BOTH CHUCKLE)

In the back of the van?

In the backseat of a Toyota Tercel

Is gonna make everything okay!

Is in there.

Is it that thingy that they gave me to get in here?

Is not the same as having sex.

Is she there?

Is that grown up Billy in 4 C? Uh huh.

Is that you never have to worry about identity theft.

Is that you, Lloyd? (CHUCKLES)

Is this 6765 Elmwood Avenue,

Is your butt okay?

Isn't it obvious the other guy did?

Isn't that good? Mmm hmm.

It actually starts today,

It ain't gonna happen.