Shallow Hal (2001) Edit

A bottle of Dom for my buddy here.

A classic beauty

A few weeks ago, you got trapped in an elevator with my friend.

A lad that would be right for me daughter.

A little privacy.

A severance pop?

A shoot?

A tail.

Actually, I better get going.

Actually, I didn't tell her I was going out tonight.

Actually, I don't really remember my dad.

Actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grill.

Ah, my pleasure, Rosie.

Ah, you mean humanidocious, right?

Ah.

All I ever did was tell her how perfect she was.

All right, calm down.

All right, look. I admit Rosemary is kind of cool, all right?

All right, look. Let's just cut through the old crapcake here, huh?

All right, maybe for some people

All right, then.

All right, you got anything better to read? I gotta fire off a missile.

All right! Congratulations!

All right? That's it.

All right.

All right. In a minute.

All right. Let's look at the facts.

All right. Ready to order?

All right. What do you say?

All right. You believe me now?

All the phony self deprecating crap.

All the time. All the time.

All you know about beauty is programmed.

All you want me to be

Altrudocious? That's not a word.

Amen to that.

And all of that malarkey that you gave me that night at the house,

And all of them things you said to me.

And all the white folks shake their asses

And also, I've seen him around the office.

And be with any girl who will have him,

And get these patients back in their beds.

And God knows I love her dearly.

And great toddies.

And he has all this time on his hands,

And he wants me to go with his group.

And her love's a mystery...

And I just can't pretend

And I just didn't want you to go away without knowing that.

And I mean like two or three, tops,

And I notice that her second toe is, like,

And I was always kind of unavailable.

And I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner.

And I won't do that again.

And I would never believe a girl as beautiful could have

And I, I wanna show you all the places

And I, I wanna take a little ride

And I'd like you to make a presentation.

And I'll introduce you to some good friends of mine?

And I'm fine with that. You know?

And I'm in love with an even greater guy.

And I'm not trying to give up myself

And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys, and no boyfriends.

And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman,

And if it's love

And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch

And in summation, I feel that these measures

And it took me like ages

And it's cold and it's dark

And it's workin' so well

And it's workin' so well that I can't get away

And keep 'em coming.

And let us please remind you

And me daughter would get a hell of a lot more dates.

And nobody knows like me

And nobody knows like me

And nobody knows like me

And nobody knows like me

And nobody knows like me...

And now he's under the impression that he can get any woman he wants.

And now I know appearances mean absolutely nothing to you.

And now you're gonna go and save the world in Carabas?

And she doesn't exactly hate me.

And tag my ear.

And the fluffy white lines that the airplane leaves behind

And the meal's gonna be on us.

And the touch

And the touch of my lips

And the truth is I haven't been able to bounce me daughter on me knee

And the truth is, I'm happy for Rosemary.

And the villagers will be chasing her.

And then just when he had given up,

And then Robbins confirmed exactly what I thought!

And they're certainly not nice! Not to us!

And third, find yourself

And thirdly, and fourthly, yes, he's a great guy and he cares about me,

And to make matters worse, Jill dumped me last night.

And tonight, when you're hugging your pillow, remember, I'm with her.

And travel, and go shopping and...

And very fat, some of them.

And Vicki? Who?

And we can plan things,

And what's up with those dogs? How big are those?

And who knows? Maybe you are on a roll here or something.

And yesterday is weaving in and out, out, out

And you can either accept me or

And you disappear! Oh, my...

And you don't have a clue

And you don't think he can?

And you made her disappear!

And you, you'll be respectin' that.

And you're looking in the eyes of a woman, and you're feeling her heart.

Another? Okay, you got it.

Any idea where she went?

Anything I can catch, do they?

Anyway, all I remember is he was great.

Anyway, apparently, you gave him like a pep talk,

Anyway, he's shipping out to Carabas in 10 days,

Anyway, I don't see why you care so much.

Anyway, I mean, did something go wrong here?

Anyway, it's great to see you again.

Are drifting right in front of the waning of the moon

Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...

Are you looking right at her?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?

Are you out of your mind?

Are you sure that's what you want to do?

As in Steve?

At the time I thought it was sort of a joke.

At your cervix!

Aw, jeez, I'm sorry to hear that. Why is she dumping you?

Baby, baby, since first we met...

Baby, even though you don't need me

Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go

Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go...

Baby, when I saw you turning at the end of the street

Back on that rock in the middle of the sea

Back on that rock...

BARTENDER: Two Buds? Two Buds.

Bausch & Lomb.

Be nice to her. She's a good girl. All right.

Beantown.

Beauty.

Because he had been asking me out for a really long time,

Because he had just sold his company,

Because if you see the real Rosemary,

Because it'll taste a lot better in bed.

Because love grows where my Rosemary goes

Because love grows where my Rosemary goes

Because that, my friend, is where the true beauty lies.

Because tomorrow, I'll finally get my promotion.

Because you were suddenly desiring the undesirable!

Before you hurt the poor girl.

Before you went to work. What's up?

Besides, she went and accepted that Peace Corps assignment.

Big Kahuna here just swore him into the Corps about a half hour ago.

Billy?

Billy? Billy? Billy!

Birth defect thing.

Blaze a trail to her front porch

Bless your sweet mistakes

Boston.

BOTH: Congratulations on your promotion!

Brain freeze.

Building a parachute?

Bullshit.

But admit you wouldn't talk to that woolly mammoth

But anyway, the timing couldn't have been more perfect,

But at least I have a bigger willie.

But crazy's all you got.

But deep inside my heart I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing

But don't you think it's time to raise the bar a little?

But Eric Clapton is filling in for John.

But for the most part, you seem to have done your homework.

But guess who is now officially going out with Jill.

But he had no sense of humor.

But how can he not feel them when he's...

But I don't know, no matter what I eat,

But I guess I've just been a little preoccupied with things.

But I have to assume you're a little nutty if you really believe you're not beautiful.

But I love you.

But I still think of you

But I still think of you

But I think we both know that we won't soon be seeing her twirlin' the baton,

But I'll make sure and touch base with her.

But if you'll let me,

But in a good way.

But in return they get to be a lot thinner than I am.

But it took you, like, eight seconds.

But no accent. You know those accents...

But no. This wasn't, you know... This was different.

But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi.

But Paul, George and Ringo will be there.

But see, the point is, lately the only women he wants are ugly.

But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle.

But she's a tad muscular.

But that was my fault. I shut you out emotionally.

But the truth is, he gets much more in return.

But there's lots of good eatin' fish out there.

But this afternoon, the first beautiful woman I saw went for me.

But this just flat out sucks.

But this wall, it will fall

But to make it more exciting. I don't care if I win.

But understand this. You better be good to her, Ralph.

But when that feeling calls...

But when you go around saying that I'm something that I'm not,

But why? I mean, look at you. You're a mountain of a man.

But you better come with cash, now his hat is on backwards

But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

But, sir...

But, you know, I'm not much of a dog person.

By fastening your safety belts and stepping towards the ledge

By the way, her tits weren't even real.

By the way, you're gonna need a little sod on the fairway there.

Bye, Lindy.

Bye, Rosemary. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Bye. Good to meet ya.

Cadence.

Cadence. That's a pretty name.

Can I ask you something, Jill?

Can I get you boys some coffee?

Can I have your number?

Can you think of a time when you were really shallow?

Can't you hear me calling?

Cankles! She's got no ankles.

Careful.

Casual.

Catch ya later.

CC!

Chili fries with cheese, and a large chocolate milkshake?

Close your eyes. Just relax. And I want you to imagine that you're on a beach.

Coffee?

Come here, my darlin'.

Come join us. I'm going after the redhead.

Come on, boy.

Come on, I'm not gonna laugh.

Come on.

Come on. Hey, let's stay together five days. That's all I need.

Come up.

Congratulations, Hal.

Contagious conjunctivitis.

Could be coincidence.

Could ever market this product.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

Cut it out.

Cut off? I don't know why I never thought of that

Dad?

Daddy like.

Darling, I just can't let you

Devils, come out!

Did you see the cowboy?

Do I look like I have anything to complain about?

Do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty, and that I'm not fat, okay?

Do me a favor. Take a look outside.

Do you need help?

Do you want to share, or...

Does she take the cake or what?

Doesn't matter if you're skinny, doesn't matter if you're fat

Don't be a smart ass.

Don't be a smart ass. Now you listen to me.

Don't be embarrassed. Listen, I beef it. Everybody beefs it.

Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite! Now, let's go!

Don't do what I did.

Don't even get me started.

Don't give in

Don't give in

Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.

Don't speak! Just you listen!

Don't worry. He's been acting really weird lately.

Don't you get sick of it sometimes? Sick of what?

Don't you think you're being a bit shallow in the way you look at women?

Don't you think you're brainwashed?

Don't... Hal!

Dr. Sayed! How's it going?

Dude!

Dude!

Dude!

Dumped you? Don't you have to be going out to get dumped?

E mail. That's...

East Side Plaza for me, please.

Especially around really pretty girls.

Even better, buddy. I'm telling you, it's almost beyond belief.

Ever walk through a truck stop men's room on your hands?

Every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after

Everybody says if you put a wig on him, he'd look just like me.

Everybody's dancing

Everybody's shaking

Everything reflects on you, so nothing and no one is ever good enough.

Everything's so perfect.

Exactly. I mean, you gotta admit,

Excellent.

Excuse me for just one second. Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.

Excuse me, jackass. Can you not hear me down there?

Excuse me, miss. Is everything all right?

Excuse me, Mr. Robbins. Can I have a word with you, sir?

Excuse me, sweetie. Professional.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Are you ready to order?

Excuse me. Could you tell me what floor Rosemary Shanahan works on?

Excuse me. Did you... Did you move us?

Excuse me. What are you doing... Shh.

First you wouldn't dance with the hotties at the bar,

First, I want you to promise

For now, avoid Rosemary.

Forget something?

From a pack of stampeding buffalo! That's from what!

From Boston. The magical fruit?

From now on, you'll be working directly for me.

From then on would, to you, look like supermodels.

From what!

From what?

Gentlemen, can I interest you in some chili fries and half a burger?

Get lipstick.

Get out!

Get out! You are the luckiest man on the planet.

Get over here, Houdini.

Get ready, Li'iBoy. It's show time.

Give me some lipstick.

Go for it.

Go on, say it. You know what?

Go on.

God, what am I saying? No!

God!

God.

Goddang it. Rosemary, don't move. Is your back all right?

Good Lord.

Good luck, Hal.

Good night. Thank you.

Good to meet ya.

Good to see ya.

Good to see you.

Good. Did you get my message?

Good. I got a few bites.

Good. Who is this?

Gorbachev?

Gosh, Walt's been volunteering down at the hospital for years.

Got a few things to tell ya.

Great.

Great. Great. Bye bye.

Great. I'd love to.

Grow up, Hal.

Hal Larson, the guy I was telling you about.

Hal,

Hal, come on. This isn't working out.

Hal, I made a mistake.

Hal, I need to see you in me office straight away.

Hal, I stand corrected.

Hal, I'm gonna level with ya.

Hal, I'm not attracted to you.

Hal, I'm so sorry. Yeah, thanks.

Hal, if a set of hairy boys was your biggest hurdle here, I'd say go for it.

Hal, is everything all right with you?

Hal, is that you?

Hal, it's okay. I've been watching you the past few weeks.

Hal, we all know you're about as deep as a puddle.

Hal, we gotta go do that thing.

Hal, we've made a decision regarding that wholesaler position.

Hal, you've been really nice to me today.

HAL: (FU N NY ACCENT) Who is it? Hal, is that you?

HAL: It is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.

Hal!

Hal! Hey, Hal.

Hal?

Hal? Yeah?

Hal.

Hal. Good to meet you.

Hal. Hal, come on.

Hal. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Half an inch longer than her big toe.

Hang on a second. Are we gonna fall?

Has been completely out of your league.

Have we met?

He can't believe the love I give is not enough

He died when I was nine, so...

He does this thing to me where he makes it so I can score better with the ladies.

He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?

He hypnotized you so that really ugly girls that you met

He is grooming his poodle, he is living comfort eagle

He is handling the money

He is handling the money, he is serving the food

He is in the music business, he is calling you

He is living comfort eagle, you can meet at his location

He is now accepting callers, he is calling me

He knows about your party, he is calling you

He puts the Vulcan mind meld on ya.

He says do you believe in the one true edge?

He says now do you believe in the one big song?

He seems to be stuck in the '80s

He was a great guy, and I really loved him. But...

He was having relationship troubles. How is he?

He wears his Members Only jacket

He'll go back to judging everybody by the outside.

He's got spina bifida! He plays the hand he was dealt.

He's got the heart of a saint.

He's now accepting callers who would like to sing along

He's obviously crazy about you.

He's serving the food

He's totally focused on the outside.

Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth.

Hell, I wish I had a hundred more like yourself.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? ROSEMARY: Hey, it's me.

Hello? Rosie?

Her bare feet were on the couch,

Her hair is kinda wild and free

Her parents are throwing a going away party for her as we speak.

Her self image is so far off, it's scary.

Here's my phone number, and here's my e mail.

Here's your bag, Rosemary. Thank you.

Hey

Hey, all I'm saying is she's got cankles, for God's sake.

Hey, Billy, stay over near the ladder.

Hey, calm down.

Hey, Dad, Hal's one of your great untapped resources down at the company.

Hey, do you wanna dance? Yes!

Hey, go nuts.

Hey, Hal.

Hey, hey, come on.

Hey, hey, don't panic.

Hey, hey, hey now.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, I don't need that circus shit.

Hey, I got a good idea. Why don't we forget the track,

Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh?

Hey, I want you to be honest.

Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?

Hey, it was the least we could do,

Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.

Hey, Jill.

Hey, kid. How 'bout these Rossi boots?

Hey, listen, I know you got a great heart.

Hey, man, good to see ya.

Hey, Mauricio. How ya doing?

Hey, Rosemary, don't worry. Everything...

Hey, Sally.

Hey, sorry, ladies.

Hey, unibrow, why don't you double your dosage and leave me alone?

Hey, Walt.

Hey, Walt. How you doing?

Hey, what's up, Mauricio?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you, were you adopted?

Hey, you recognize these panties?

Hey! Hal, right?

Hey! I got an idea. Do you want to play the kissing game?

Hey! Now she's eating my clams casino!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey. Pussy.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, guys. I want you to meet a very good friend of mine. Okay?

Hi, Hal.

Hi, Hal.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Is this a bad time, or...

Hi. Nice to meet you.

High standards? In the five years I've known you,

His cigarette is burning but he never seems to ash

His job? Really?

His name is Ralph Owens.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm. You've been burnt, huh?

Hold on. What if I told you

Holy cannoli.

Holy cow. I mean, hi.

Hope you like bean dip.

Hot,

Hot, young tail's what it's all about.

How am I supposed to expect some woman to?

How am I? Tonight I feel like a thorn amongst a bed of roses.

How are you, beautiful?

How are you?

How can a person this beautiful

How can he see their inner beauty when he doesn't even know them?

How can I not think about you?

How can you be so selfish?

How can you say that? She was perfect.

How come you haven't come back to see us?

How do you know my name?

How ya doing? Good.

How you been? Good.

How you doing? Great.

How's the crowd tonight?

How's the remaining breast? Is it big?

How's this any different?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? What do you mean?

Huh? Yeah, everything is fine.

Huh.

Huh.

Hypnosis is not gonna help you.

I altered his perception a little bit.

I am impressed.

I am rescuing you!

I appreciate everything, anyway.

I bet.

I bought into it.

I broke up with my boyfriend, and there he was.

I called you, like, immature or sophomoric or something like that.

I came here to congratulate you.

I came to see Rosemary.

I can write it down. It's S H A...

I can't get to you

I can't get used to

I can't get used to...

I can't keep this up.

I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong

I can't stand it when you guys order a glass of water and a crouton.

I can't. Uh...

I could not believe my ears.

I could practically see the halo around his head. I can't compete with that.

I could, as a friend, look the other way

I didn't mean the "banana hands" thing.

I didn't mean to offend you.

I didn't recognize you. The hair and the...

I didn't think so. You guys don't even look sick.

I do want your number. I'm sorry!

I do! Me!

I don't care!

I don't have other boyfriends.

I don't hear about that till tomorrow.

I don't know about that.

I don't know what to say but...

I don't know what... That was dumb.

I don't know, Hal. Maybe... Maybe you should think about moving.

I don't know, Mauricio. Maybe I should just see her.

I don't know, she went crazy for me or something.

I don't know. I like the track.

I don't know. Maybe I share in the blame of it all.

I don't know. What do you call it?

I don't know. Whatever.

I don't normally dress like this around my parents.

I don't really, but I'm a little nervous.

I don't understand.

I don't understand.

I don't want to have a drink. I want to go home.

I feel bad for people who count calories. It's no way to live.

I feel too young

I got a leash. Would you like to take me for a walk?

I got a very good friend who says

I got my own life to live

I got something in my eye. I had to run back here and flush it out.

I got tickets for that Beatles reunion.

I gotta call you back. Something came up.

I gotta get a map.

I gotta give you credit for being more proactive and starting to meet women

I gotta go meet some friends, so I'll see you guys later.

I gotta go see someone.

I gotta go to the can.

I gotta go. I gotta catch my plane. I'm really sorry.

I gotta say, I don't see the slightest resemblance.

I gotta steal your dance partner here.

I guarantee you there's some girls out there who would think it was adorable.

I guarantee you've never met anyone like this guy who's coming with us.

I guess I couldn't live without the things

I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow? Bye.

I guess I'm not real smooth sometimes.

I had a sweat suit underneath.

I had him take the trance away.

I hate the ponies. There's too much human involvement, you know?

I have a tail.

I have some things to say to your daughter and I'm not leaving here until I do.

I have to say, Hal, I'm impressed with a lot of your ideas.

I haven't been close to a woman my whole life.

I haven't met her.

I hear you in there.

I heard,

I help people deal with life's challenges with more dignity and more courage.

I helped him see inner beauty,

I just have this thing.

I just made Rosemary appear!

I just saved your life, baby.

I just thought it was more of a...

I just wanted to apologize for last night.

I just wanted to give him a gift. I didn't want him to get hurt.

I knew a time was gone

I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

I knew this Hawaiian guy in high school

I know that you are only one dream away

I know what cankles are.

I know what we've been through

I know what we've been through

I know what you're thinking. Where does she put it, right?

I know you'll probably think I'm some kind of wacko for asking, but...

I know you're back together. Let's not play games.

I know you're not... MAURICIO: My God. Hal!

I know.

I know.

I know. I don't think it's a good idea.

I know. I know. It's crazy.

I love you, Mom!

I love you.

I married for love, and your mother Betty has been a nightmare.

I mean, at first I thought you were in a slump, you know?

I mean, I bet on pro football now and then,

I mean, I do have...

I mean, I don't know him, but I see him around the office.

I mean, I really like you,

I mean, I'm leaving for Carabas tonight for 14 months.

I mean, not my boss. He's my boss's boss.

I mean, sure. It's in the book under Rosemary Shanahan.

I mean, the man means everything in the world to him.

I mean, we only had that one date.

I mean, yeah, you're... You're really pretty.

I mean, you kind of don't even know what goes where.

I mean, you know what I'm saying.

I mean, you know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.

I met you up in the mountains with Ralph.

I miss you and I wanna see you.

I need a man around that can give it to me straight, you know?

I need your balls.

I never told you about...

I really appreciate it. But...

I said no.

I said your willie's bigger than...

I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody else saw!

I say okay.

I should have changed at the beach.

I shouldn't have broken it off with you.

I sold my company to Microsoft.

I suppose the girls we partied with a couple weeks ago downtown

I take it you don't read the business section?

I think I'm gonna go down that other road for once.

I think me daughter is lucky to have you.

I think of you

I think of you

I think of you

I think of you

I think of you

I think real friends are obligated to be honest with each other.

I think she's up in Pediatrics.

I think so.

I think talking to him helped my confidence or something.

I think they're attracted to each other in the beginning.

I thought he was gonna shoot me with a tranquilizer gun

I told you it was nasty.

I told you to cut the shit out, all right?

I told you.

I tried my best to smile

I understand.

I want nothing to do with you, you little warthog.

I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I want to talk to you about some stuff.

I want to talk to you about that little conversation we had the other night

I want you to know I didn't mean to piss you off.

I wanted to meet you, and I guess...

I was jogging.

I was really stupid.

I was saying something... I thought you meant... Never mind.

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over tonight.

I wasn't even invited.

I will.

I won't say no to that.

I wonder if you hear me call out your name

I would absolutely love to, if...

I...

I... I've never been close enough to anybody to get burnt.

I'd already picked up all the faces

I'd love a cup of tea, darlin'.

I'll be gettin' to that in a minute.

I'll be right back.

I'll be waiting in the wings, and I'll pounce on you. Like a tiger!

I'll bet you're here so you can get out of school. Right?

I'll build my world around you, I need you so

I'll build my world around you, I need you so

I'll come through. I promise.

I'll get through

I'll give you your rights. I'll give you your last rites,

I'll go get help.

I'll have mine in martini glasses

I'll make you proud, Papa.

I'll pick it up later. Congrats.

I'll see you later.

I'll see you this weekend, okay?

I'll take my chances. Now open up.

I'll try to catch her on the way home.

I'm a coward, all right?

I'm a friggin' idiot.

I'm a lucky fella and I just gotta tell her

I'm a lucky fella and I just gotta tell her

I'm actually volunteering at the hospital right now,

I'm Bella.

I'm getting back in there!

I'm going back to the restaurant.

I'm going with you.

I'm gonna call you later.

I'm Hal.

I'm having a word with your daughter.

I'm immature. I'm unthoughtful.

I'm in town taking care of my grandma,

I'm just curious.

I'm just gonna go to the ladies' room.

I'm just in a little funk right now, and everything's gonna be fine.

I'm not beautiful, okay? And I never will be.

I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out.

I'm not putting you down until the cows come home.

I'm okay.

I'm on this island in the South Pacific called Carabas.

I'm serious. A lot of people get squeamish in that situation, and you were so...

I'm serious. That's what these kids need,

I'm so embarrassed. Don't be.

I'm sorry you lost him.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry, Rosemary. I just can't wait that long.

I'm sorry. I just...

I'm sorry. I... I thought that...

I'm sorry. Tonight's not good.

I'm sorry. You know, apparently this Tony Robbins guy

I'm starting to think we're jinxed here.

I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have any problem getting dates.

I'm telling you the truth, Hal.

I'm terrified of 'em.

I'm the girl who gets really good grades and isn't afraid to be funny.

I'm the one who should be nervous here, not you.

I'm tired of holidays ruined

I'm very sick! I've got...

I'm... I'm... (MAKES VOMITING SOUNDS)

I've been looking for you all day.

I've been looking for you.

I've been really dumb.

I've got my hair back.

I've never read that book.

I've seen the women you go out with.

I've spent all summer days drivin'

If anything, you're pathologically unshallow.

If he goes one way, he can continue what he's doing

If her father wasn't company president.

If I don't hear from you,

If I had one wish, I wish I could be