21 Jump Street (2012) Edit

A child sex slavery ring or something?

A kid died the other day from drugs,

A lot of things have made me wonder about you.

A lot.

A straight up face punch.

A stupid fucking cock. That's rude.

A What?

A whole drug operation by ourselves?

About a covalent bond in this school?

About meeting up with a stuffed piñata.

About telling you how it's not good.

Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.

Actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come!

Actually, that's not bad.

Ah, so your parents are just cool

Albany, to be exact,

All right, all right, all right, all right. God damn that.

All right, all right, just chill out.

All right, all right, we're good. Whoo!

All right, anybody else for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?

All right, anyone who says

All right, but just don't be driving it like teenagers,

All right, come on. Yeah, let's...

All right, cool, let's get the...

All right, do mine, do mine.

All right, don't move!

All right, here you go.

All right, here's the deal.

All right, here's the deal. Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.

All right, let's do it.

All right, let's do this. Which one of you is Doug?

All right, let's go, McQuaid!

All right, one second!

All right, take it here so I know you're cool.

All right, there's going to be all these heavies there,

All right! Yeah!

All right.

All right.

All right. All right, come on.

All right. Eric, help me.

All right. Where is he?

All right. Yeah. That's great.

All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets, the rings, the tight pants,

All yarn work was done by Jenko.

Although you could use one as a coin purse.

Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?

An ejaculating penis into an 8 year old's mouth?

And app chemistry for a few weeks.

And as you can see, this kid is white.

And ask them to stop chasing us?

And check what we found at Kennedy.

And Eric's going to get into Berkeley,

And expect us all not to notice.

And faster.

And he threw me down pretty hard.

And he totally gets me.

And he's probably a dummy.

And he's probably good with money.

And how did that go for you?

And I don't want you to get busted,

And I don't want you to get hurt.

And I fuckin' cherish you.

And I had Zack put this monitoring device in it,

And I let you down in a lot of ways.

And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.

And I wasn't as much.

And I worked my ass off to be the captain!

And I wouldn't let, you know, one experience

And I'm a cop. What?

And I'm going to utilize those, and I'm going to come back.

And I'm like,

And I'm like, "Hey, you want to make some coin?"

And if any of my officers

And it felt good, but then it felt weird for a second,

And it was muy delicioso!

And it's not even second period. How do you explain that?

And less homeless people doo dooing everywhere.

And less insecure and more just cool.

And louder. And better.

And makes me feel like I'm five years old.

And me shitting down that snorkel.

And my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.

And nobody, including me, is doing anything about it.

And revamping it for modern times.

And she's not going to go to prom with me.

And sometimes I get angry.

And that is a really gross three way.

And that'll be the quickest way for me to bro down with him.

And that's the end of Act Two.

And then he happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.

And then he's dying to see you, too.

And then I realized that she was dead.

And then Molly will invite Eric,

And then this guy.

And then you come in here looking like a rock solid 10.

And then you two show up, with 30 days left,

And there's a dick going into it.

And they do, like, two extra years of middle school there.

And this is going to fucking rock.

And we live across the street from each other and stuff.

And we use it to wash our cars.

And we were having so much fun.

And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.

And you guys haven't moved on.

And you should never settle for less than that.

And you walk into this office, I'm going to expel you.

And you're coming in here

And you're sincere and you're sweet and you're loyal...

And your membership to the juggling squad.

And, honestly, I can get in, too.

And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.

And...

And...

And... Let's fly!

Annie, hang on.

Anything you say can and will be used against you

AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry. And, no, you can't,

App chemistry, bitch.

Are caught giving alcohol to minors,

Are they? Yeah.

Are those the bad guys over there?

Are we really going to take down

Are y'all throwing a party?

Are you alive, buddy? You okay? You took a bullet for me, man.

Are you all right? Should we get you to the hospital, man?

Are you drunk? No.

Are you excited about the play?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking serious right now? Fuck, yes, I'm serious!

Are you getting choked up? I'm sorry if I made you upset.

Are you guys on drugs?

Are you leaving your bike here?

Are you okay, man? Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?

Are you okay?

Are you on that shit? So what if I am?

Are you saying we're covalent bonds?

Are you serious?

Are you telling me it's on?

Are you texting Molly?

Are you undercover right now?

Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...

Aroma of Christ Church?

Asshole.

At how spastic they are, but I am the coach,

At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.

Aw...

Away from a nervous breakdown.

Beautiful Brad, and his brother.

Beautiful day out there, boys.

Because I've told it to a therapist about 8,000 times.

Because if you call us narcs,

Because you deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you.

Because you don't even know what it's actually fucking called!

Because you're a good guy.

Before we got in a car chase! Let's go! Come on!

Beginner's luck.

Bend the knee a little bit.

Best party ever. Boo yah!

Best prom night ever!

Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.

Bitch!

Bitch.

Boo yah!

Boom, motherfuckers! What's going on? Come on!

Boy, you lucky you even graduating.

Boys, squaws, come quickly.

Brad and Doug McQuaid.

Brad, what are you doing here? You can't be here.

Brad!

Brad? Shit.

Brad. Big.

Brad. Yes, ma'am. Wow. Look at you,

But a buddy of mine really wants it.

But as long as you guys have my back...

But completely naked, wearing Indian friendship bracelets.

But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.

But I already know the answer. It's yes.

But I don't think we've ever met before.

But I got to shoot people right now!

But I need you to go on as Peter.

But I only bring in people I like.

But I promise you we will be super professional on the job.

But I'm going to be prom king.

But if we find the supplier first,

But it's not my thing.

But maybe you have, like, one cheat day,

But maybe, if someone fun asked me,

But they can have their place in the life of a professional actor.

But they're not normal popular.

But we got to get going. You know how it is, yeah?

But we need to be back in 30 minutes for curtain.

But we partied together, man.

But we try to ride bikes when we can.

But what was the girl in the back doing?

But, look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday

Bye bye.

Bye bye. Bye, Bye.

Bye!

Bye. JENKO: All right, buddy, good talk.

Cálmate, gringo.

Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?

Can I see that?

Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?

Can't believe you made me late. You're so selfish.

Can't get a good shot, man! I can't get a good shot!

Cannabis sativa.

Captain Sassy.

Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner

Causing trouble in my school.

Chaka Khan?

Chaka Khan.

Check around for a gun or something, all right?

Check out your test... Let me...

Cheers.

Chill, all right? Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.

Christoph, did you feel that?

Clear!

Clear!

Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.

Come here! Come on!

Come here. Come here.

Come on, blondie.

Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.

Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.

Come on, let me at least give you a tour.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Come on, let's roll.

Come on, man. They always cutaway on TV before they finish them.

Come on, pick your knees up. Pick your knees up.

Come on, picture it.

Come on, you guys are Jump Street?

Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Another traffic jam?

Come on! Get out here!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. All right, all right. Enough. Enough.

Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Come on. What's your Real... Here's Real World.

Cones, cones...

Congratulations on the bust, boys. It sounds great.

Congratulations, you crazy, sick, vigilante motherfuckers.

Cool with me. My man.

Cool, yeah.

Could barely pay my alimony.

Cut the bullshit!

Cw!

D.B., shoot these motherfuckers.

Dickhead narc motherfucker!

Did I hit anything?

Did it look cool when I did it?

Did she just bring up prom on her own?

Did she just say "nickhead dark motherfucker"?

Did the AIDS run this year.

Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?

Did you see that shit? That was crazy.

Didn't somebody tell you guys this was an undercover unit?

Do I look like a fucking scientist? No, I just sell it.

Do I look like I eat French fries?

Do I make myself clear?

Do kids still do this stuff?

Do not feel exposed.

Do not get expelled.

Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.

Do they have guns?

Do we have a deal?

Do we have enough chips?

Do you even know the Miranda rights?

Do you feel that?

Do you guys really think this is a police matter?

Do you have any idea how difficult it is

Do you mind if I just put, like, a posting on Facebook?

Do you think it's going to be fun?

Do you understand how soon the show is starting?

Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Do you understand? Nobody move!

Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die?

Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die?

Do you want to wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head

Do your thing, man. Proceed.

Does that make me a super nerd?

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.

Don't blow on me, son.

Don't do it, man. Why...

Don't ever raise your hand to me like that again, all right?

Don't fuck no students.

Don't fuck no teachers.

Don't hate. It's great.

Don't listen to that.

Don't make a...

Don't succumb to the peer pressure.

Don't throw the baton, you jackass!

Don't touch that. We just brought it back from Sedona.

Don't worry about who I am. I'm worried about it.

Don't worry about who I am. I'm worried about it.

Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.

Don't you fuckin' pull that arm up.

Don't you... Don't... Don't. Stop it.

Don't.

Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.

Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!

Doug, you never won't know

Doug.

Doug.

Doug... Okay, settle an argument.

Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.

Doves. Why doves?

Down on Jump Street.

Driver's ed car.

Drop my nuts on your motherfucking forehead!

Drop the guns or she's dead!

Drop the guns or...

Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains all over the room!

Drop your weapon!

Drug manufacturing ring in the chemistry classroom.

Drugs are bad.

Dude, classic.

Dude, come on. No! Maybe you're a narc.

Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You're a cop.

Dude, Eric is the funniest IM er.

Dude, I don't have a fake ID.

Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.

Dude, I have a surprise for you.

Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,

Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!

Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?

Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.

Dude, tell me about it.

Dude, that was awesome how you sabotaged that track meet, man.

Dude, that was so crazy, man.

Dude, watch out!

Dude?

Due to your many years on the honor roll

Eco Suave.

Embrace your stereotypes.

Enjoy the vineyard. You boys be good, now.

Enough. Too long on the hug.

Environmental awareness, being tolerant.

Environmental awareness, being tolerant.

Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. Whoa. Come on. Whoa.

Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?

Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.

Eric, you heard me!

Even after what happened to him?

Everybody comfortable?

Everybody's two strapping it.

Everyone's saying that Billiam had a heart murmur.

Exactly. I already had one.

Except girl version.

Fake ass Handsome McGee.

Faster. Let's go.

Feels too dance y. Too dance y?

Fight normal.

Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!

Find out who's slinging this shit.

Fine! Drive!

Finger popping each other's assholes.

First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself,

Five, drive a kick ass car.

For a total of 57 words.

For ably backing me up.

For the duration of this assignment.

For, like, months on end? Glue and shit?

Forget those identities. They're bullshit.

Fortunately for you two,

Four, if anyone steps to you on the first day of school,

Freeze!

Freeze! Freeze!

French, the language of love.

French! You're not my first choice,

From the chem lab, threw in some of my Cool Deets,

Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!

Fuck this!

Fuck what his name is.

Fuck you, Doug! What?

Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.

Fuck you, park!

Fuck you, pig Hey.

Fuck you, science!

Fuck you! Bitch!

Fuck your mom's vase!

Fuck, no.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Socks don't match.

Fuck.

Fuckin' pick my dick up!

Funny, I wouldn't have taken you for the brainy type.

Geez.

Get down! Get down! Get down! Get down!

Get in now. Both of you.

Get in the fucking car.

Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.

Get on the ground! Hey!

Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.

Get out of my house. I said get out! The party's over!

Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers.

Get ready, get ready, there's Eric.

Get that out of my face!

Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of the car!

Get them restricted apps.

Get them!

Get up.

Get your hands off the wheel!

Get your motherfucking ass up when I'm talking!

Get your own fucking Frisbee.

Gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.

Getting snuggy, get a little weird.

Give me my money!

Give me my money!

Give me that! You got the right to...

Glee. Fuck you, Glee.

Global crisis and whatnot.

Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences, followed by a question,

Go ahead. You won't find shit.

Go for it, go for it.

Go with the flow, dude. Cool, man.

Go, Doug!

Go, go, go, go, go, go! Shit.

Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go. Okay, fine, we'll follow them.

Go! Go, go!

Go! Okay.

Go. Go, go, go, go.

God damn it!

God damn, you're so cool.

God damn. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

God, I feel so good.

God, I love high school!

God, just let me do my thing.

Goes by the street name H.F.S.

Good for you, Doug.

Good luck.

Good work. Hit that shit.

Good.

Good. You could use it. You're pretty far behind, so...

Got followed by some fucking cops.

Great job, Schmidt.

Great job. You guys are on fire.

Great. Nobody cares.

Greg Jenko to the principal's office.

Greg Jenko to the principal's office.

Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!

Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?

Guys, don't make me take you to the principal's office.

Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.

H2O It's okay. Thank you.

H2O.

H2O. H2O.

Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!

Have fun.

Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!

Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?

Have you even been drunk before?

Have you lost your fucking mind?

He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!

He always chokes. He's going to choke, wait for it.

He hangs outwith. I don't know.

He just needs to take a little rest,

He kind of is, isn't he?

He was pretending the whole time.

He's actually trying. What a nerd.

He's adopted.

He's dead.

He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,

He's going to choke.

He's going to punch you so many times around the genital area

He's gonna recognize us, man.

He's got a gun!

He's my friend.

He's really fast.

He's short and insecure.

He's upstairs.

Hello? Hey. Is this Molly?

Hello.

Here are your class schedules.

Here we go! Here we go!

Here, take the money, all right? We're getting out of here.

Here. Huh?

Here's the deal.

Here's your new identities, all right?

Herpes.

Hey, actually, I just said that

Hey, boys, this eco pussy is going down today.

Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.

Hey, guys, no!

Hey, guys, wait! Ah, who cares?

Hey, guys. Just borrowing this for one sec.

Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!

Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?

Hey, I'm living my dream of standing in a limo!

Hey, kid, come here.

Hey, Korean Jesus.

Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,

Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up. What are you doing?

Hey, no, no, I said don't move!

Hey, park in that handicapped spot.

Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.

Hey, pick it up!

Hey, pumpkin head.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, why are you here, Scott?

Hey, why you here, Scott?

Hey, yo. Hey.

Hey, yo. That is...

Hey, you got a gun. Why don't you shoot back there?

Hey, you ready? Go!

Hey, you want to be friends?

Hey!

Hey! Come here!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! How's it feel? How's it feel now?

Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Good morning.

Hey. Hey. How's it going?

Hey. How are you?

Hey. It's Schmidt.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Hey. Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.

Hi.

Hi. God damn, you are beautiful.

Hi. Hi. How are you?

Hi. How you doing?

Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.

His parents found him OD'd in his room a few days ago.

Holy fucking shit.

Holy...

Honestly, he did get away,

Honey, listen, I want to tell you,

How are we going to get drugs for the party?

How are you? Guess what, I don't care.

How do I look?

How do you ever expect

How do you feel about making a little extra money?

How is my favorite police officer?

How many of you are there?

How you guys doing back there, huh?

How's it going?

I always feel exposed after playing.

I always got your back.

I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face

I am pretty skeptical,

I am so happy that I met you.

I am so happy you're willing to get in trouble for me.

I am so nervous.

I am. Yeah.

I apologize in advance if I throw up on you onstage.

I baked muffins!

I booked a local television commercial...

I brought tacos, so that's cool.

I can fake my way through band practice

I can't do that at all.

I can't do this! I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!

I can't let that happen.

I can't! I'm wearing tights!

I can't. I can't. I can't right now.

I consider that a threat.

I could be a doctor or something.

I could help you out if you want, tutor you for the test.

I could not be more serious.

I could watch this kid all day.

I did read him his right... I did a version of that.

I didn't get a letter or anything.

I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.

I didn't know these guys were cops!

I didn't mean to shoot you! I meant to shoot him!

I didn't punch him because he's gay.

I didn't, though, just to be clear.

I don't care about anything.

I don't care. Look in the goddamn glove compartment!

I don't even...

I don't fucking care! Just do it! Oh, God!

I don't get this school.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't know how long this case is going to last.

I don't know how to put this nicely.

I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians

I don't know what they are.

I don't know, but it's already more exciting.

I don't know, I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?

I don't know, it just feels dance y.

I don't know, it was supposed to explode.

I don't know, money, drugs.

I don't know, you look like you're in great shape,

I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right?

I don't like strangers.

I don't like that. Put your tongue back in your mouth.

I don't like to make plans or whatever. You got it.

I don't really know how to end a prayer. The end?

I don't want to look like it's like I'm wearing makeup.

I don't want to talk to you ever again.

I don't... I actually didn't...

I don't... Molly, uh...

I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses

I enrolled you into honors chemistry.

I fucking hate you!

I get nervous in crowds.

I got an idea.

I got it, I got it.

I got skinny jeans on! It's the same fucking thing!

I got some contacts that'll help us.

I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.

I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.

I got to get my dick sewn back on.

I got to start all over.

I got to start all over.

I got to use the bathroom.

I gotta go back to class,

I guess I did.

I guess I should do something.

I guess this will have to be a quickie.

I guess.

I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.

I have glaucoma.

I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.

I have to send you to the principal.

I haven't trained.

I heard something.

I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.

I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!

I hurt my hands!

I introduce you to my hookup. How's that sound?

I just can't sometimes.

I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.

I just need to help Brad with something real quick.

I just want to make sure that you and Eric are going to be careful

I just, like...

I just...

I just... I don't think you know everything.

I kicked him in the nuts.

I know all about dick and balls!

I know everything.

I know everything. Really?

I know I didn't say you were, but you're smart.

I know I missed the first few scenes.

I know sometimes I was a jerk to you

I know we haven't made our first arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.

I know what I'm doing.

I know what you're thinking,

I know y'all seen this shit before.

I know you wanted a guy to trust,

I know you're in there, Doug, or whatever your name is!

I know you've heard this before. And then,

I know you've seen this shit before.

I know, like, in four days,

I know, right? I know.

I know. It's bullshit.

I like it! I like the confidence, son!

I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years,

I love dick"?

I love doing drugs at school.

I love this science shit!

I love you, honey, Dougie Doug, Douglas McQuaid.

I mean, if I wasn't the coach, I'd be laughing my ass off

I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash

I mean, this is a fourth grade

I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes, but it's not a thing.

I meant I just... How many you guys want?

I might become popular. I might get in with the popular kids.

I need me some Doug McQuaid.

I need people I can trust.

I need to borrow you.

I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400 at today's track meet.

I never get to drive. I'm driving this time.

I never got any stuffed animals growing up.

I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a piñata.

I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober,

I present to you the graduates of Class 137.

I pretty much text except for when a random old relative calls.

I punched him,

I read your file.

I really thought that one was going to explode.

I really thought this job would have

I remember one summer...

I remember, one time, doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,

I remember. You know why?

I said loud and clear,

I said that! You heard, right?

I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?

I shot him in the dick.

I should call you back.

I should pay who?

I should probably not just stand here watching.

I should take action.

I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap

I stomp the car now!

I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.

I swear to you I will be back in time for curtain.

I swear, best party I've been to in years.

I think I shit my pants.

I think it sounds something like...

I think it would be better if you get in

I think it's going to be awesome.

I think it's good. I think you should be mad at more guys,

I think you idiots are perfect.

I thought your dad abandoned your family.

I told you, it's an undercover assignment. It's super secretive.

I totally know the cause.

I totally understand where you're coming from, sir,

I wanna... Oh, my God!

I want to know who's the supplier.

I want to thank... Give it up to French Samuels

I was a loser for four years! You couldn't handle it for five minutes!

I was chasing my perp, sir.

I was cool in high school, and you weren't.

I was gay when you punched me!

I was going to take it, and then masturbate later.

I was in a French fry commercial when I was a kid,

I was just busting your balls.

I was just saying that I'm Doug.

I was like, "Get the fuck off me!"

I was talking to your partner over here.

I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.

I was wondering if you...

I wasn't asking.

I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry.

I will be right back. I need to help Brad with something, okay?

I will straight up punch you in the face if you do not shut up.

I would go.

I would have been the coolest person ever.

I would love to go to prom with you.

I would've tooken a bullet for you.

I wouldn't. But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.

I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter.

I'll be right back, dude. Okay.

I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.

I'll come back later.

I'll fucking kill you!

I'll invite Molly,

I'll just take the drugs right here,

I'll kill you!

I'll see you guys.

I'll see you later.

I'm about to infiltrate a super high tech

I'm almost out of ammo.

I'm black.