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Home > David Brent: Life on the...
A bit Buble. A bit David Essex
A daily ritual is phoning around all the record companies,
A great night. They do it every month, you know
A proper loon. A dead bee
About a week ago
About halfway. Halfway- Come on
About time England won a World Cup, innit
Absolute- No
Accidents will happen
After show
Ah, all right
Ah, Mr Brent
Ah, Mr Brent
Ah, you'll see how sensitive I am to difference
Ah!
Ah! Thought so! You..
Ah..
Ah..
Air-conditioning, bunks
All aboard
ALL CHEER
ALL CHUCKLING
All good fun
All my mates were like, Oh, Brent, if she lost weight she'd be an absolute stunner
All right
All right then, I won't
All right, cheers. Bye
All right, Lionel- What you up to today- No
All right, Lionel, are you worried about AIDS
All right, Lionel, I'm just making some dinner
All right. Call when you get here
All right. Cheers
All right. Do I have to come
All right. Good
All toiletry needs, really
Also hotels, rider
Also, you might get in trouble
Although they are having the last laugh
Always hungry
Am I right
And a better warmed up crowd you play to
And a rep
And Brentertainment
And going to get A&R people along, get signed, put an album out
And he came over and said he wanted to manage me
And he can pop down. OK
And he didn't literally say it out loud, because his wife was there,
And he looked at me,
And he was shopping with his wife, holding hands with kids,
And he worked with basically nice people
And here he's not the boss, you know,
And how did it feel when people were just walking around, going,
And I always say, Yes, the handicapped
And I didn't want to piss off that crew
And I find him an irritant
And I found myself again, you know,
And I started to do what I do best, entertain
And I think for David especially, it's important to believe that
And I would have spent that money by now
And I'd say David is, sort of, the personification of..
And I'm sure he'd love to see me do well
And I'm thinking, What's she writing
And if I get signed, it's all been worth it
And it works with anything. It does. It does
And it's about time someone said something, so..
And it's his dad that's the white one
And it's mainly worse because the world's worse
And it's, um, a guaranteed crowd
And not because he's a black man
And not... Maybe people don't find him funny, but I do
And now I am going to spend it on rock 'n' roll
And now it's like some kind of Ebony and Ivory, urban sidekick deal
And now we've got to go and have a drink with him, you know
And one of the best soul singers that's ever lived
And saying, Oh, will you do a rap on this, do a rap on that
And she did lose weight
And she wasn't bubbly any more. Bit grumpy
And some of them are worth as much as I've put in now, so..
And Sting is cool
And tell them not to tell anyone I'm paying them to have a drink
And that was the whole point of doing this. 16 tickets sold
And that's in this. It's sort of a warning
And that's not fear. That's like, Let's do this
And the band have insisted I have my own dressing room, which is..
And the saddest of all...Mammogram
And then before I knew it, he was, like, doing his own songs
And then, like, eight bars of this. Yeah
And then, the ghost of Alexander O'Neal
And they're just half bottles, so it's not worth it
And we battle it out
And we got a massive whip-round going, and we, um, we got him a..
And we have to sit there with our instruments,
And we're... I've booked some gigs
And you could just drive to each gig
And you only got one point on Sausage or Pie
And you owe it to the world to do this. So..
And you're away
And, sort of, slaughtered them and enslaved them
And, uh, you know, am I a free willist- I'm a do-as-thou-willist
And, uh, you'll also learn why they don't like
And, um, and she wasn't a stunner, which was very disappointing
And...he does brighten up my day a little bit
Andy. We have got Mike and Steve. They're brothers
Another day, another dollar
Anyone want to go on early- We're not going on early
Anyway, so you're back, and you're giving it another go
Anyway..
Apparently, just wanted to stay somewhere cos her flat's being done, isn't it
Are we talking bunse- Well we're certainly not talking English
Are you available- Is it something you actually want to do
Are you hoping to change people's opinions of you this time
Are you nearly done
Are you sure you want a pun war with me
As long as I've got me woman, you know, you can do what you like, Lord
As soon as he's around women,
As the lead singer in the band Foregone Conclusion
At least I enjoy my music. Do you know what I mean
At least let me clean it for you. I said I didn't want to look,
Ate her way through the minibar. What
Awful name. I told them that. Yeah
Back in 2000 and..
Back on the phones then. Yeah
Back to back
Backing track at a Battle of the Bands
Ban it- Why- It's a drug, yeah
BAND MEMBERS LAUGHING
BAND PLAYING
BAND PLAYING
Basically, I say a manufacturer's name, and you tell me if it's a sausage or a pie
Battle of the Bands, innit
Because he doesn't have a record deal
Because he's a man
Because I need you to. Trust me, it'll be fun
Because I've secured an interview
Because it sounds like a dis, though. It's not a dis
Because it's just... It just puts me off my work
Because it's never been released, and it's never been released
Because originally I'm from Reading,
Because you can't ever guarantee
Because, uh, the Slough posse would be like, Oh, you traitor
Because...you just gotta hope and pray deep down
Being called Red Indians any more
Being educationally subnormal
Being made redundant, and the whole fame thing,
Bit of a cock-up
Black. Well, mixed race
Body, mind, and spirit. I've done that, so... I'm empowered now
Bollocks
Book a tour bus. Beautiful tour bus
BOTH IMITATING BLOWS LANDING
Break a leg, Pauline. It is just from you, is it
Brentmeister
Brings a little sparkle
Briony
But as I said, be aware... Hmm- I will
But as of now, this dude has not ****d anyone
But at first, life on the open road. It's in my blood, uh..
But at the same time, they know it's what I want and deserve
But at the same time, you know, you go where the money goes
But definitely gambling. Swings and roundabouts
But don't hold that against them. Mm-hm
But he doesn't really know the rules of the game
But he is now doing two years for 11 different counts of sexual assault
But I am sitting with one of the original docu-soap stars,
But I could see in his eyes, he was saying, Kill me
But I think people would accept him if he just was himself
But I turned it round, you know
But I'm going to use that time to create a buzz
But I'm not getting paid- No. No
But I've been winding up a record company and they're sending someone down
But if no-one's coming to the gigs..
But if you want to do some banter with them, like,
But is there anything you won't joke about
But it was nice to have a lie-in... Yeah. ..and have a lovely bath
But it's all like, Oh, what if you fail- Be prepared
But it's not better, it's worse. Why is it worse
But keep the drums sounding big though
But no that we're not... I wouldn't. Not with him
But their time is their own and, um, you're not paying for that. So..
But with... You know. Although some women do..
But you didn't. No. No
But you kinda know he's going to ruin it a little bit
But you know that was just you thinking that, don't you
But you pay people well,
But, as you know,
But, I mean, we're both just trying to make it, you know,
But, nah, not for me
But, uh, I'm not good... with needles or pain
But, uh, stars from reality TV shows,
But, um, he is the worst person, um, around women I think I've ever seen
But, um, they hadn't really weathered as well as me
But, you know, let them know there is a big buzz around Mr D Brent,
By a T-shirt gun. You know, let's not make a drama out of it
By pretending to be the manager of my own band
Bye
Bye-bye, nine to five
Bye. Bye
Call me a ****a. Please
Called Ain't No Trouble
Called Wernham Hogg. Yeah. That's right. Yeah
Can I have a look- Yeah
Can we get a bit of bass
Can we stay
Can you do cash- Yes
Can you fucking keep it down- Yeah. Can you keep it down
Can't get anyone along
Carrying shopping, papoose with a new baby in it
Cash in hand- Like this
CELL PHONE RINGING
CHANTING
Check it out. Listen
Checking all the sound and..
Checking in
Cheers
Cheers
Cheers, David. Thanks, man
Cheers, man
Cheers, man. Yeah
Cheers. Cheers, mate
Cheers. Cheers. Thank you
Cheers. Right
Chill out, dude. This is rock 'n' roll
Chocolate, champagne. Cheers
CHOMPING
Chris Martin's best friend is Jay-Z
Clever
Clever!
Come in
Come on
Come on, chop-chop. Yeah. Ah, whoo!
Come on, let's do some work now then
Come on. Yeah
Come on. You don't wanna do that
Come through. We're all in this together
Comedy, music, poetry, philosophy, whatever, you know
Cool, dudes
Cos he thought it would be better than the first time
Cos it's a student union
Cos they're probably not used to the big league,
CROWD GASP
Dan. My usual engineer
David Brent. Hello
David Brent. Oh, hi
David Brent. Shite Night
David is, he's onside
DAVID SIGHS
David- Can I have a word- Yeah
David, we're gonna need your card. Yeah
David... Go on
David's David, isn't he
David's idea of problem solving
Deep down he's supporting me,
Desk, mirror
Did he talk about what it was costing
Did he... No, he just said it's going to...keep going
Didn't care- No, because..
Didn't know it was karaoke
Do you
Do you do it- What
Do you drive- You know I do
Do you know any good photographers
Do you know what I'm saying- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Do you think they noticed- Yes
Do you wanna close it- Huh
Do you want something hot inside you
Do you want to be part of that- Drive the gang
Do you want to have a guess
Do you want to see it- Nah
Doesn't matter what band you've come to see
Doesn't matter. Two
Dom was meant to come on during Native American and didn't
Dom- Hmm- Bob Marley
Don't blame you
Don't do the voice. You gotta do the voice
Don't know what
Don't look alike, do they- The beard's different
Don't matter
Don't read anything into that. OK..
Don't say that
Don't tell the boys, I don't want to stress them,
Don't think you can get more dignified than a great warrior, so..
Don't you want to tell them- No
DOOR BUZZING
DOOR CREAKING
DOOR SLAMS
Double denim- Yeah
Double M. Think
Dreadful. Embarrassing
Drugs raid!
Each band gets along as many of their fans as they can
Easy, fella. Easy. Sonia, give us a hand. Haresh
ENGINE STARTING
Er, ballooned up to about 16 stone at one point
Er, Japanese
Er, so my last day is next Friday
Er..
Especially if it is something like the Arctic Monkeys or..
Even if I get signed, I'm going to pop in. But..
Even more different. Her face
Every single lyric. Every single lyric
Everyone
Everything in this song is factually accurate
Except, you know, he's white and old and his music is terrible
Excuse me. Can we have the bill, please
Failure is not an option. Well, it is, David, isn't it
Fancy something hot inside you- Chance'd be a fine thing
First gig, Monday
First of all, let's get you noticed
Flippin' hell. Come here
For a drink- No need
For f... We, uh..
For me to make my demos, which was cool. And then,
For us, it's just, you know, we're out, and we're getting paid, and we're playing
Foregone Conclusion, Mark II
Frank Sinatra had Sammy Davis, Jr
Fray Bentos- Pie
From that
From that
From the Chinaman's perspective, at last, I flipped it
Fuck know... Fuck nose
Fuck knows
Fuck me
Fuck's sake, David. Well, I didn't do it, did I
Fucking hell. How old is he- About 12
Fundamentally, that's the main problem
Funny noise, funny organs
Gambling, prostitution, probably. I don't know
Get a cab then. I'll pay you back when you get here
Get that down you
Get the record companies down, get signed
Gets worse when you get older and then you get that sort of smell
Gives me the creeps to be honest..
Glad I said it didn't matter before I found out,
Go on
Go on. Have a look. No, no, no. Just do it
God
God, let's get it out the sleeve
Going off on tour
Good idea, in a way
Good, innit
Got a few more...gigs to book in
Got fit
Got one character called Lionel Fancy
Got some good players. They need to be managed, though
Great bunch of kids
Great, go to bed. Jesus
Guitar solo
GUITAR STRUMMING
Half the time we don't get through
Half the time, they're not there
Hang on, Alexander O'Neal isn't even dead, is he
Happiest I've been, probably, doing these sessions with a professional
Has he been telling everyone I got off with a bird last night
Have a good one
Have a nice time
Have I been on what- Wikipedia
Have some water
Have you been on Wikipedia
Have you had the dream again- No
Have you not eaten- Not since dinner
He can't drum any more. His back's gone
HE CLEARS THROAT
HE CLICKS TONGUE
HE CONTINUES CHANTING
HE GROANS
He hasn't any... Not yet, anyway
HE IMITATES GUITAR
He just has me rapping about a lot of weird shit, you know,
He might try to be funny,
HE SIGHS
HE SIGHS
HE SIGHS
HE SIGHS
HE SIGHS
HE SWITCHES DRYER ON AND OFF
He thought we hadn't done anything,
He went down. Tried to style it out
He'd be far better off, you know, having a couple of weeks in Marbella
He's a mentalist
He's basically an invalid now
He's excited. Going to tell the band
He's excruciating, uh, on stage and off
He's fripped it
He's going to help me, um, showcase some of my comedy characters
He's good. Ooh, from the horse's mouth
He's great when he's out with the clients. They love him, but..
He's just... He's a lovely bloke. I think he's brilliant
He's like the boy that owns the football
He's married now with four kids. Look at him there
He's not in it. He's just, you know..
He's on painkillers and physio, permanently, you know
He's only having a laugh. Look at him
He's out selling. Is he
Hello- Battersea Home for Retired Penguins. Maurice speaking
Hello- David
Hello, I'm David Brent
Hello, Lavichem
Hello. Oh..
Hello. Why do you talk to people like that
Hence, they're going to be happy for me. So, mixed emotions
Here they are. The rabble
Here they come. Come on in
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go again
Here we go!
Here we go. Playing hardball. Yeah
Here we go. Yeah. Come on, party
Here. I'm down here
Here's the band. Foregone Conclusion, Mark II
Here's the boss
Herro, my name's Ho Lee Fuk
Hey
Hey
Hey, David, you can't say that. You are
Hi, Sandra
Hi. Hi, David
Hi. Should be on the list for Foregone Conclusion
Him- Yeah
His catchphrase is, Chance'd be a fine thing
His dad was black, his mum was white. Get over it
His nickname is from the fact that he'd always turn up
His uncle didn't start till he was 40, which is weird
Hiya
Hiya. All right
Hiya. Hiya
Hiya. Hiya
Hiya. Right, OK
Ho Lee Fuk. Yeah
Hopefully I'll get a solid three-week block
HORN HONKS Keep the fucking noise down
Hotel
How are you spelling comin'- C-U-M-I-N
How are you- Brilliant. Never felt better
How many people did we get
I am following my dream
I am, a bit. HORN HONKING
I beat 'em here easy. The old Insignia
I bumped into him in Reading, down the Oracle
I can say it, maybe. You can't say it
I can't do anything right
I can't stand him
I could do one of my tracks. In that
I couldn't. Why not
I did try and get the old crew back together,
I didn't know it was a question. I thought it was..
I didn't really know whether to laugh or cry
I don't care about that shit!
I don't know what to do with him
I don't think all this is good for him
I don't think any of us could have predicted..
I don't think there's any real racism on David's part
I don't think they pay tax, do they
I fell over. Yeah, I know
I first met David,
I get inside your head
I got a minibar and it's..
I got one character called Ho Lee Fuk
I got one, uh, character called Dopey O'Leary. An Irishman
I guess like with most session musicians, you get, like, a call..
I had a nervous breakdown
I have to book the hotels
I haven't even time to change into my stage gear
I haven't got any clean pants. Huh
I just think he just doesn't quite get it, does he
I know how that looks
I know in your little documentary thing
I know, but we want a crowd, don't we- All right
I know. I'm saying get him in, get him up front. Let's get some goals
I let her keep the T-shirt, so..
I like it here
I like making people feel, more importantly
I like making people laugh
I like vinyl. I like vinyl
I love being backstage
I love making demos. I do it a lot, you know
I love puns. Highest form of wit in my opinion
I love sound checks
I managed to get one of them to bite
I mean, in some ways we're very alike
I mean, it's awkward
I mean, normally I have to shut my door when I hear him,
I mean, she's slightly overweight and likes apple pie
I mean, the rapper's all right, but..
I mean, wasting his holiday in trying to be a pop star
I mean, you think it's painful to watch
I never double denim. Always double denim
I never dreamt he'd be on that much
I never really gave up that dream, if I'm being honest
I practice the ancient medical art
I prefer it out here with the troops because we have a laugh
I prefer my songs to be factually accurate
I said I didn't want to look, didn't I- All right
I said, Sure, but let's do it big
I spent a little bit of time in a... a facility
I still think there's some mouthwash if you..
I think he's only doing it
I think I'm going to go and..
I think she'd left it a bit late in life and lost it way too quickly
I think they're thinking of me
I thought he'd be good at this. No, it's just that it's not..
I thought you said I shouldn't tell the band
I took out a lot of private pensions in the '90s, you know
I try to incorporate all my influences there, really
I used to have my own office. Better than that, in a way
I was dreaming it. Well, either way,
I was gonna have Slough, um, but that didn't tell the whole story
I was just in a meeting with, uh, Miriam. It's, uh, my black friend
I was rapping in this open mic thing in a pub in Slough
I was the head of that family. A lot more emotional for everyone
I was worried about this tour, he admits
I went out with a very big lady
I work for Lavichem
I'd do it with a black woman, for example
I'd given up
I'd like to see you live. Ooh, don't know
I'll double it
I'll get a plaster on that
I'll get people to come to the gig
I'll get to work on it, promoting it
I'll pay someone to get people to come to the gig. I will... PR
I'll send a cheque over
I'll... Snack, yeah. I'll clean that up
I'm coming
I'm currently a singer-songwriter, so..
I'm depressed. Oh, what's up
I'm going to make them change it. Don't worry about that
I'm gonna wait outside. See you later
I'm in the marketplace, so to speak. You know, young, free and single
I'm just not... not 100% sure what his it is
I'm just standing around at the side of the stage
I'm looking forward to the next gig, actually,
I'm no Lothario, believe me,
I'm not doing that any more... I'll tell you what
I'm not even a Native American
I'm not gonna do that. Call me a ****a
I'm not in that one. He's not in this one
I'm not weird-looking. You're the weird-looking one
I'm off now, David. See you later. Yeah
I'm one of the lads
I'm only actually used, when you check it,
I'm running out of money and I'm running out of time
I'm so fed up. Come on, mate
I'm sorry, lads. It's a complete joke
I'm sorry... Where did you get him from
I'm sort of my own boss, but we're all equal, so anything goes
I'm spending three weeks of my life on tour with this guy
I'm starting to regret having taken this on
I'm sure you didn't mean to cause offence, David
I'm the artist and the manager
I'm thinking of spending more money cos it's so worth it
I'm trying to fucking work, babe. Don't care
I'm up and down the country all the time, you know
I've been out with all sorts of girls
I've been putting all the gigs in, you know
I've booked a session today in a top-notch recording studio
I've given you a lift home several times
I've got one, too
I've just played here. I'm in a band
I've only got four days actual holiday leave left,
If I don't get signed now..
If my headspace is right, then the performance is better
If not, I'll have a day off
If they saw me at the weekend, they'd blow a fuse
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em
If you tell the band I got off with a bird..
If you were consenting and above legal age,
Image. Yeah. Sex
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS
INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS
Inside and out
INSTRUMENTS PLAYING
Ipso facto, anyone on his team
Is he OK- No, a bit low
Is he really out selling- Yeah
Is he really- Yeah
Is he- Yeah
Is it a fact, though- It's an artist's opinion
Is it Capital... Tadley FM
Is it- Yeah, I'm always going on about it
Is just to throw more money at it
Is Nigel out selling
Is Sting cool- No
Is that a woman- Course it's a woman
Is that it- Yeah
It can be arranged. Oh
It gives me an idea of what I could do, and that's the buzz
It goes,
It is hot
It is painful. It is painful
It not only gives the record company an idea of what I can do
It started off he was kind of managing me and, um, he was paying
It was a bit like The Call Centre, and you were a Neville of its day
It was Luther Vandross, not Alexander, who is dead,
It was mine, so..
It wasn't their head on a piece of dog shit, was it
It won't fit her
It'll cost you if you want a real one
It's a bit annoying. It eats up the budget
It's a bit new romantic but modern
It's a credit... It's not..
It's a good job I'm always sort of dressed for rock, innit
It's a new job description, innit
It's a sausage. Sorry. The clue was in the title, mate
It's about... It's the whole package with me
It's all here
It's all here
It's all social media, isn't it
It's bizarre
It's daft
It's dog eat dog
It's exciting, really, for him
It's for that little guy there
It's from Rocky, mate. It's from Rocky
It's good that we've found each other
It's good, innit
It's great. Yeah
It's his ball, right- So you have to... You can't play without him
It's how hard you can get hit and still keep moving forward
It's important. You off
It's just my mate
It's just not gangsta
It's just rude. Just go and ask them. Let's have a drink tonight
It's just..
It's like a little squat thing with that fat little throat and that
It's like a party on wheels
It's like a wall of Jenga that just... It just crumbles
It's like having a 15-year-old kid in the office, you know
It's like he can't relax, you know, and that's all he needs to do
It's like seven or eight random gigs over a three-week period
It's not a competition. You know, we could all get signed
It's not a lot right now, but, you know,
It's not like they're coming on to a married man
It's not really a tour, though, is it- Well..
It's on. Ooh. Yeah
It's our reputation, innit. That's the problem
It's the only reason I'm here- Yeah
It's their big Saturday night
It's through the eyes of an old Rasta
It's what the dreads in UB40 have been going through for 30 years
It's willpower, um..
It's, you know, where we're both from
It's... So, yeah
Jack
Jane, hello
Jezza. Sorry, mate, I'm talking, what- Just biggin' you up
Juice
Just a bit of weed
Just can't believe it
Just chocolate and crisps and nuts..
Just close the door. Yeah
Just do the songs, David
Just don't describe her. OK- Don't be specific..
Just getting some cash out to go to a club
Just how mental he is
Just say something to me
Just saying... Nothing happened. She slept in that bed. Didn't you
Just see if you like it. I will like it
Just trying to get one of them to come down and see you live
Just want to sit down
Just writing a song about the, uh, plight of the Native American, so..
Just, shh, OK... Call me a ****a. Shh!
Just... I'm just saying, just finish it, and let's, um..
Just...have a..
Keep selling. Where's Nigel
Keep the fucking noise down, you silly cunt
Keep the noise down!
Keeping an eye on us is, uh, head of sales, Andy Chapman
KNOCKING
Lady across the road from me has got a red Honda
Let's book a string of gigs
Let's do it. Let's rock
Let's get on there and win over the other bands' fans
Let's get this party started. Now..
Let's go and say hello
Let's just not... I've been trying to say..
Let's play a record. Let's get it out
Let's rock
Let's rock
Let's see all the bands, yeah
Life and soul of the party. And he knew how to party
Like I made the poster
Like me, not a corporate stuffed shirt
Likewise, I didn't want to have Reading
Likkle bit of herb, innit
Little bit of trivia, though
Look at that
Look at this
Look, aren't my plums a bit red, Doctor
Look, Nigel, don't start playing with all that crap
Look. He's already at work. I gave him the gig
Lovely Serena again. The one that plays hard to get
Luther Vandross. Oh, OK
Make some big bucks, get a fancy crib,
Makes me laugh anyway. I know most people don't get him..
Mammogram's nephew I was telling you about
Mammogram's nephew, Stu Monkford
Maracas. These are my knackers, more like
Martial arts- No
Maybe cos I'm there, he wants to play up to it
Maybe get inside your heart
Me knackers. Hmm
Mm-hm. Can I ask you a question- Go on
Mm,
Mm, who could that be
Mm. Dear
Mm. Nightmare, aren't they
Mmm
Mmm, beautiful eyes
Mmm, lovely. Bubbly
MO GROANS
Morning. Made you a coffee
Most people don't get me, but he does. So it's nice
MUSIC- Fashion by David Bowie
My dad was white. My mum was black. Oh
My favourite
My flexible friend
My good deed for the... £200 good deed
My last week, next week. Then I'm off
My mum used to say there's someone out there for everyone
My problem is I'm literally all power
My ugly mug
Nah, turn it up
Native Americans love to be called animals
Next week, yeah. See you later
Nigel gets it cos he's a bit cooler,
No
No
No more lugging round me albums
No point in playing to the converted all the time
No- Cheers. See you later
No-one knows
No-one's come through to see the first band on
No-one's coming to the gigs
No, because a lot of people thought it was very entertaining..
No, he meant it metaphorically in the movie, so..
No, he's good
No, I just thought... When I said it, I thought of..
No, I know. I don't want to, you know, worry 'em,
No, I was just saying
No, I'll buy
No, I'm all right. What is it
No, it doesn't, actually
No, it's all about how the white man went
No, it's right that the lead singer gets his own vehicle
No, no. Come on. We'll finish it up. No, no, no
No, that was then, this is now
No, that's it. No, we're not going to finish it up
No, that's wrong. I gotta take your first answer. It's actually..

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Funny