The Office (UK) (2001) - Season 1 Edit

A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.

A farmer not pictured

A fox is a farmer's worst enemy. He should just drown the fox in the river.

A good idea is a good idea forever.

A lot of what we're covering I think you'll be familiar with,

A waste of time. All was a waste of time.

Actually, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that even back then.

All right then what is it?

Although it's usually me who dumps them.

And are you going to lay down any of those tracks?

And don't phone my mum again!

And end her personal call as quickly as possible."

And finally he comes back for the chicken, and he's done it.

And he goes, "that dog's got a better bone than mine. I think I'll have his as well."

And he needs to get them from once side of the river, to the other.

And I go, "don't slag them off."

And I hope a few new ideas will be sort of thrown into the pan as well.

And I respect...

And I wouldn't be the boss or the man that I am

And if he doesn't appreciate that, then he's mad.

And if they've got a problem, it's my problem...

And if you get back to the road, are you going to need any help with that?

And it's what I trained in. I've an MBA from Bradford.

And live, you know, on and on...

And my dream is that I would love to have my own island.

And on, you know, and know what it's like to live forever.

And team work.

And that's going to be a key word today motivation.

And their ultimate dream their ultimate fantasy in life.

And then it doesn't mean that you can't ever change your mind.

And those of the individual members,

And what's that got to do with this?

And when he opens his mouth, to get the bone that's a reflection, he drops the real bone and he loses both.

Anything that could be conceived of to happen or not,

Anything. Because there's no right or wrong thing in this scenario.

Are you ok?

Are you thinking of doing it?

Because time travel's actually impossible...

Because you and Lee are going to be together, and he knows that,

Because, you know, at the end of the day, you can say something

Being dumped is the perfect excuse to do all the things you ever wanted to do.

Big. It's a super chicken.

Bones.

But and here's the rub

But I mean, I am aware of your personal problem,

But i mean, to actually to experience the future

But I think a lot of the ideas are still pretty valid. Ok?

But in the end, it's for the best.

But it's not necassarily a bad idea to recap anyway,

But let me tell you about what today is all about.

But now I'm trained I'm better than people who weren't good before.

But you know they're about ten years old, so if I were to send them out,

But, ultimately, I want to play music, write music, and uh, play in a band.

By a little known scottish outfit called Texas.

City of love.

Come and complain and I'll show you the wrong way to handle it. This'll be the wrong way.

Coming at a different angle.

Containing the queen's image of the realm..

Coz, it's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty.

Coz' you know Monkey Alan down in the warehouse, he fancies you even if no one else does.

Daley Thompson.

David, if you'd like to come up here. Round of applause for David.

David.

Dawn, work hard you could be answering those phones in head office

Dawn?

Different points to be made.

Do you want to answer him?

Do you want to answer him?

Do you want to go and get them over because Rowan wants to crack on with this.

Dogs?

Doing what I do? There are lots of ways, really.

Don't go for other people's bones because you'll lose yours.

Don't let your business get taken hostage by complacency."

Er, hello? I'm a chicken. Thank you Tim for leaving me with my favourite food.

Er...

Everybody

Exactly. Like the fable. You know the one when the dog's got a bone.

Fine! But what's wrong with that? Yeah, I feel sorry for Dawn and Lee

First he takes the chicken across, leaving the fox with the grain.

Forget all about him. He's not worth it.

Fox and the chicken together? Bloodbath.

Gareth, a quick trust exercise. Ultimate fantasy?

Gareth, it's a puzzle, you know? It's just a puzzle.

Gareth, she dont want to waste her life in paper.

Get a taxi if you've got enough stamps.

Go and get the guitar.

Go away, please.

Go over there.

God! ...about three years.

Good luck! Been there, done that, bought the T shirt. Next!

Good stuff.

Good.

Has a chicken, a bag of grain and a fox,

He can't take the fox first because then the chicken will eat the seed.

He did it in one of the little valentine's message bits in the paper.

He didn't do it face to face.

He goes down to the lake to get a drink and he sees his reflection.

He proposed on a valentine's day.

He went home to get it.

He'll be fine.

He's got to take the chicken first,

Hello. You're through to Keith.

Here's the answer.

Hey, don't worry, all right?

His boat is only big enough to take one item at a time.

How big is this chicken? The same size as a bag of grain?

How did you get into doing this? How did you start?

How long have you been thinking of leaving?

How long you been thinking about leaving?

I can't take another boring call about spa white, index board at 230 a ton.

I can't take any more of this nonsense.

I could be your assistant manager.

I couldn't do what...

I do a couple a year.

I don't know who Monkey Alan is. You know what? I'm betting that Monkey Alan...

I don't mean in sort of just a spiritual, sort of religious sense,

I don't mean this. I mean everything.

I fazed you. You have a go. See if you can faze me. Ok?

I go through this sort of thing all the time.

I got his attention. Get their attention. Ok?

I haven't split up with him.

I hope that what the exercise demonstrated was that it's vital

I mean, what was that about?

I mean, you can either... it's like I was always good at it before I was trained in it,

I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

I say, "I've been there, I've done that. That's behind me."

I think he had to pay for it by the word because it just said,

I think I'm starting to know what that's like.

I think there's been a **** up there!

I want us to play out a scenario that highlights customer care.

I was just wondering now you've split up with Lee, would you like to come out for a drink with me?

I wasn't dumped. And, actually, I have been thinking of leaving.

I will be at training all day today.

I wouldn't mind, actually. It looks like quite good fun.

I wrote this. I only play songs I've written myself.

I'd have to pretty much lay down some drum and bass shit on 'em.

I'd marry your snot.

I'll kick things off. My name's Rowan,

I'll probably bring some of it into this role anyway, so..

I'll probably write a song about this one day.

I'm cheating really. I have done this before.

I'm going to play a very bad hotel manager who just doesn't care...

I'm going to put you into pairs for this.

I'm going. Goodbye.

I'm gonna play...and this will be the wrong way to do it!

I'm really sorry.

I'm saying you can't do that.

I'm sure Texas couldn't run and manage a successful paper merchants.

I'm trained in it as well. I could have done this myself.

I'm trying to think of other ones.

I've been engaged to Lee for um...

If he doesn't appreciate it, I'll marry you!

If I didn't lend, you know, some words of encouragement.

If it's a Basil Fawlty type character, then maybe I should do it just for the comedy.

If they don't know, I'm sorry they don't deserve a job. After you.

If they have to call off the wedding...

If you underestimate the value of customer care."

Imagine him in a band. Bald old git.

In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender.

In Paris?

In some crappy sub branch paper merchants.

In the picture, maybe, but in reality...

In this scenario... we'll start with something nice and easy.

Investment in people I.e. The staff.

Is that originally about Princess Diana?

Is that, inevitably, the sex suffers.

It depends what you mean by ultimate fantasy

It keeps 'em sort of interested, you know.

It may be women or men. Somebody, ultimately may be scoring the goals...

It was just an argument.

It's a bit cheesy and a bit '80s,

It's a gift and training.

It's about customer care, really.

It's easier for everyone to achieve their goals.

It's good to get in an outsider now and again.

It's important that you know your place and that you are supported by...

It's like if you're cleaning a floor and you're up against it,

It's not about learning, it's just a problem to be solved.

It's not me that's changing my mind, it's you that's changing your mind.

It's not quite the point I was trying to make, David.

It's what Gareth was saying about if we've got our bones,

John Noakes.

Just can't say anything when they're like that can you?

Just interpret it any way you like.

Let's get on with this.

Letting them know they are our most important commodity,

Like sample and shit.

Look at Jeff Lamp. 42 years old, he's got his own porsche. That's from paper.

Look, David I'm not absolutely sure this is really the right time...

Look, the point here is that if the team is focused on its objectives,

Lyrics man, mainly, but you know, the music came easy as well, so...

Maybe I should, as I thought, I should play the hotel manager as I'm used to it.

Motivation.

My name's Rowan, and I'm going to be leading us through today's sessions.

No god..I know. I know. Yeah. I meant as a friend. I did mean as a friend.

No I'm saying, probably what he'll say if you ask him.

No, no, no.

No, you can't. You can't. You can't. I was doing ok.

No. Coz' it's illegal to destroy or burn anything

Not a waste, actually, not a waste.

Not as easy as it looks.

Not literally.

Not the car crash bit.

Now it's time for the dreaded role play.

Now, I don't want to pry,

Of spicing things up in the bedroom.

Oh Good. That should make it a lot easier for us.

Oh, don't you know? I thought it was...

Oh, god!

Oh, see? Pressure.

Ok, then. Right. That's that. What we're gonna...

Ok? Good.

Ok.

Ok. He can't take the grain first because you cant leave the fox and the chicken together.

Ok. Let me give you the problem.

Ok. Right. So, are there any more questions for David?

Ok. Right. Well, you've all seen the video.

Ok. See you later. Yeah.

Ok. So off we go.

Ok. Um...

Ok. Well, this next exercise is all about...

Or a better paper merchants.

Or could not be possible, actually, you know.

Originally. But it fits perfectly, doesn't it?

Philosophy.

Please call me or leave a message and I will call you tomorrow.

Probably what spurred 'em on.

Racial. So...

Right. This next exercise is all about forward planning

Right. You've got a complaint.

Say what you see, Gareth.

See you in there.

She didn't need to know that, mate. It's Monkey Alan. Do you know what I mean? Even the name...

Shouldn't have to.

Shut up. I'll give you my... we'll work out my notice.

So before the next excercise what I want us to do is just spend a few minutes with...

So he can leave the fox with the grain.

So I want you to work out in what order he takes them across the river.

So uh... Keith?

So um... Gareth, if you can go with Tim.

So...

Sometimes the complaints will be false.

Sometimes the experience outweighs the...

Sorry, David. Dawn.

Sorry. Can I have a quick word with Dawn?

Sorry. Gareth?

Thank you, Mr. Noakes.

Thank you.

Thanks. That's nice.

That's brilliant, David. Really good.

That's not real money.

The glasses would be stupid, so...

The job. I'm bored of the job. Sorry, Rowan, no disrespect.

The job's not difficult. I don't take my work home with me.

The thing about long term marriage

The thing is, we're both good in our own fields.

Then come to me and I'll help us clean our floor together.

Then he comes back and takes the fox across, but he brings the chicken back with him.

Then he takes the grain across, leaves it with the fox,

Then probably some sort of everlasting life, you know.

Then we'll tell you the right thing afterwards, so

Then, you know, sure it'll be upsetting now,

They're not fighting, they're smiling.

Things will be ok between you and Lee, you know,

This is Rowan, our facilitator for the day.

This is something I wrote. I hope it helps.

This job's just a stop gap, really.

Tim? Do you have one?

To another stage. To another exercise.

Today is really about all of you getting to know and trust each other.

Today's our staff training.

Two lesbians, probably. Sisters. I'm just watching.

Um if we pull together in the same direction, it's better for all of us.

Um...

Um...

Under me.

Very good. Very good.

We might as well...get on with it. Yea!

We used to have a political reggae one called equality street.

We'll kick off with your leader, David Brent.

We're going to start by watching a video it's a nice gentle start.

Well he didn't..No one dumped anyone. It was just an argument.

Well I am asking him and I'd really like him to answer.

Well ss David says, actually he has briefed me and says that

Well then he shouldn't be allowed near animals, should he?

Well you're an ambassador for the hotel.

Well, he fancies her. I'm just saying.

Well, I'll probably manage myself, you know.

Well, I'm just saying.

Well, I've got a lot on one demo from the band days,

Well, let's just kick off with something easy. Ok.

Well, sort of knows their place within that structure.

Well, that's just stupid. You've got a job here for life.

Well...

Were we successful? I'll let you be the judge of that

What about this one?

What are we learning from this?

What do we think might be the lesson here?

What does that mean?

What I want us to do is for everyone to tell me their name

What it's just nothing? It's just a farm and a river?

What was that?

What were you doing with the Monkey Alan business?

What would you say was your motivation for working here?

What, in the name of jumping jehosaphat, was that song about?

What?A situa...what?

What's he doing? What's he doing? What's Warren doing telling people to say please?

What's he doing? What's he doing? What's Warren doing telling people to say please?

What's that about? Tell me.

What's the farmer doing with a fox?

What's the vibe in the second half?

When I tell you that we were once supported

Which, you know, I like.

Who would you rather be with on a desert island with some whittling wood and berries?

Within my realm, you know...

Yea all right smart ass I wouldn't want to be stuck with you in a situation either.

Yea and I get all this, "oh, David, you know you're a brilliant singer songwriter.

Yeah I'll report him when I'm walking home.

Yeah they could be fighting over them bones.

Yeah well let me just play it just now just to kick things off, ok?

Yeah, but you see the important thing here is that you were all working as a team.

Yeah, I know. He can't leave the chicken with the grain.

Yeah. Actually I don't want to spend my life answering phones

Yeah. All right.

Yeah. If you're talking about anything that could

Yeah. Not always for this company. I've worked for various... hi.

Yeah. Ok.

Yeah. Some questions.

Yeah. They worked together on "Blue Peter". That's what the refference was.

Yeah. Well, it's stupid. Doesn't mean anything.

You constantly have to find new and erotic ways

You could be assistant to the manager. Hold on, man. Shoot.

You know, are you going to need a manager?

You ok?

You should come out with me. I'll find you a new bloke.

You'll tell five people."

You're right. It fits perfectly. Thank you.

You're upset. About Lee, is it?

Your relationship with Lee is a bit like a car crash.

260. No you're a twat, ok? Shut up.

362. There is no 362 in this hotel.

All farmers have wives. Not this one. He's Gay.

all the time. And it's always possible to improve your people skills.

And the way we that we would deal with somebody... I fazed you.

Being part of a team, I thought. Just let him answer.

Boys... all right, mate.

But, it doesn't matter weather you may not be the person who apparently... unconditional trust...

Can I...? She was short sighted... yeah.

Can we just watch the video? ..on it. Yeah. That's true.

can't stress that enough. No. Of course. Absolutely.

Cash them at a post office. Shouldn't have to.

Dawn, do you want...? Don't.

Did you want to say something? Were you successful?

Do you know why? Coz' he'd be mad to burn it.

Do you want me to discipline them? Nah! Just get them over.

Does it? Yeah. Quite interesting.

Get his wife to help. He ain't got a wife.

Give a dog a bone. I don't believe...he's not Roy Walker, Gareth.

He sounds a bit gay. It's not gay.

He's the a little bloke. No I don't need to know. No it's not...

Hello. I wish to make a complaint. Not interested.

Hmm? We're doing the ultimate fantasy. We're all doing it.

I can do that... well, it's my... thing.

I don't care. I think you'll care when I tell you what the complaint is.

I don't know. Big chicken. Yeah. How big?

I'm bored of this. I am so bored. Yeah. So am I.

I'm more into, really, customer care. So am I.

I'm saying... No, hang on. No, hang on.

I'm snotty. You're snotty and lovely.

I've got to field the questions. David.

It's pretty brainless. At your level maybe but..

Look, I'm sorry to... Hold on mate. What you saying?

maybe we should just move on... move on.

My room is an absolute disgrace. Don't care.

No? Good. You didn't give them a chance.

Now, I'm sure you all got the answer... Easy.

Of you? No. Of his girlfriend.

Ok. All of you have to deal with people...

Ok. I'd like to make a complaint please. Don't care.

Ok. Well, nice and simple to start with. Hard as you like.

Put the grain on a wall. There's no wall.

Remember... 5 minutes, ok?

Right. Some interesting points... Very interesting points.

Right. That's lunch. Ok.

Shall I tell them? No it's ok, I'll do it.

She's dead. She's not dead.

So can you set fire to a postage stamp? No.

Some may be leaders... He knows best, or she.

Sorry. What's the complaint? Just make it up.

Staff. "That's right. The customer."

that every member of a team... follows a leader.

The bathroom's doesn't appear to have been cleaned... What room are you in?

The video would show it. Sorry.

Then you'd take the grain next. Then the grain.

There's always walls. Not here there isn't.

They're more receptive to me. It's straightforward. Ok. Right, everybody.

This is a waste of time. I know how you feel.

We've got a lot to get through and no one's back. Yep! I'm hearing ya!

Well, I am staying in the hotel... I dont care. It's not my shift.

What did you do in the group? Singer songwriter.

What were you called? Foregone Conclusion.

What, you? No. He's looking at a photograph.

What's going on? Nothing. It's fine.

Who's leaving? I am.

Whoever is in charge may be... in a team of women, for example.

Yeah. Sit down.

Yeah. That'd happen! Well if he doesn't, report him.

You all right then? Yes, thank you.

You always have your say. When do I always have my say?!

You are. No, you are.

You complain. Right.

You were in a band? Like a rock band? Yeah.

You're so lovely. No I'm not lovely.

...is returned in leadership.

...various companies over the years.

'Cause...

"All she had to do was acknowledge the customer's presence

"and they're rubbish compared to you."

"And this is what you're doing to those profits...

"Ever."

"Excuse me. I'm in a hurry."

"Fine. See you tuesday."

"Here's a typical office."

"Hey, I know you. Can I have your autograph?"

"Hi."

"I must tell you about George. It all started about a year ago..."

"I'll call you back at a more convenient time."

"I'm on the phone. God, aren't people rude?"

"If you're treated badly, you'll tell nine."

"Lee love Dawn. Marriage. Question mark."

"Let's see what should have happened."

"Make your motto "who cares, wins"."

"Oh I'm sorry, sir. I'll be with you in a moment."

"Oh of course you can."

"Oh Yeah? Oh Really? You know when I said to him.."

"Oh Yeah? Oh Really? You know when I said to him.."

"Oh Yeah? Yeah. Awful, isn't it?"

"Oh Yeah. Yeah. Awful, isn't it?"

"So if you've put together a crack team,

"Sorry, Jean. I'm gonna have to go. I've a customer."

"Statistics show that if you're treated well as a customer,

"These are your profits for this year."

"This is what we call the customer care tree..."

"Well done. That customer won't be bothering you again."

"What's the single most important thing to your business?"

"You're stuck in Slough while it's Texas that are off, you know, making all the money,

"Your prescription will be ready on friday, madam."

# Every breath you take

# every move you make, yeah... #

# free love on the free love freeway

# Free love on the free love freeway

# free love on the free love freeway

# gave a purr and then I rolled on by, bye bye

# going home 'cause my baby's gone

# going home 'cause my baby's gone, she's gone, yeah

# gone away, she's gone, she's gone, yeah

# goodnight, my sweet princess... #

# He says, 'cause none of them was you... #

# He says, I lived a good life, had about a thousand women

# I ain't going home 'cause my baby's gone

# I got some hot love on the hot love highway

# I got some hot love on the hot love highway...

# I said, why the tears?

# I says, hey buddy, what can I do?

# I've got some hot love on the hot love highway

# I've opened your eyes, you're now colour blind... #

# Long time later, see a cowboy crying

# love is free and the freeway's long

# love is free and the freeway's long

# my baby's gone, she's gone, yeah

# Pretty girl on the hood of a cadillac, yeah

# Rose, you never used your thorns

# she's broken down on freeway nine

# She's gone! #

# she's just gone away.

# she's the serpent who guards the gates of hell... #

# take a look at her engine, start it and

# the news came through, your body cold

# the ones you loved abandoned you

# the spaceman he answered, you no longer mind

# Then rushing through the Paris night

# they hounded you, you lost control

# we prayed that you would be all right

# where love is free and the freeway's long

# Yellow, brown, black or white

# you helped the sick, but who helped you?

# your angel face made hearts so warm

#A spaceman came down to answer some things

#I'll answer your questions, I'll answer them true

#I'll show you the way, you know what to do

#the world gathered round from paupers to kings

#who is wrong and who is right?