Good Morning, Vietnam Soundboard Edit

A bar brawl that's one cronauer

A bird

A conviction on a charge of treason against the united states carries with it penalties kinda on the stiff side if you know what I mean

A friend

A khaki eclipse

A little conference here wilk a little conference time out everyone

A little of this whoo whoo whoo

A little too young for you

A lot of people went to the mat for you

A man does not refer to pat boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right

A man with limp damaged hair but nevertheless a fireball

A very well hung chihuahua

Absolutely not

Actually it's a ray conniff featurette three maybe four back to back ray conniff classics

Actually what I am sir is your armed forces radio saigon assistant who's in charge of orientation and billeting of enlisted personnel and company clerk

Adrian

Adrian cronauer gis a wacky and welcome addition

Adrian cronauer is on temporary assignment and i'll be filling in until he arrives hopefully sometime this morning

Adrian cronauer is on temporary assignment but boy do I have a surprise for you

Adrian it's not going exactly well there's a water buffalo jackknifed up there

Adrian take care of yourself

Affirmative sir

Affirmative sir good

Afrs radio is owned and operated by the united states government and operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540 at 749 megahertz

Afvn better than afvd which means you have to get a quick shot

Again we've got our friend from military intelligence

Aha! earl oh you again no more fighting okay

Ahem excuse me

Airman cronauer

Airman cronauer requesting you to elaborate sir

Airman you know the rules

All of a sudden well I got drunk all of a sudden I went for a tattoo next thing you know i'm on a fucking truck what happened

All right

All right all right cool

All right gentlemen I don't know oh my god these lips my god they're moving i'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death

All right guys let's say goodbye to the radio star! we're out of here

All right in saigon today according to official sources nothing actually happened

All right let's see

All right this is adrian cronauer i'm on at 6 00 and again at 4

All right where are you from

All right! thank you

All the news that's new and approved by the u s army the sweetest smelling army in the world

Also elizab queen elizabeth liz elizabeth taylor elizabeth taylor

Also gina lollobrigida has been declared the italian national mountain range

Also the pope decided today to release vatican related bath products an incredible thing yes it's the new pope on a rope that's right pope on a rope wash with it go straight to heaven

Am I being fairly clear

Am I being fairly clear (2)

American personnel can check out a book in ku bai da nang phung tao saigon bien hoa and san treng

An incredible coincidence

An loc and cronauer would definitely be going along

An loc his pass say an loc

An loc shit

And as far as polkas they are a much maligned musical taste

And don't say that the weather is the same all the time here because it's not in fact it's 2 degrees cooler today than yesterday

And for trusting you is the best of the gently of what you say of never to be for both the same and another

And I literally think that you owe it to all of them to get your ass back on the air

And i'd like to get to know all of you by having you write down your name address your home and work phone on a piece of paper and passing it forward

And i'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated

And i'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at an loc

And if you do and if you do

And if you do happen to speak with him please be polite and to the point at all times

And my older brother who be 29 years old he dead

And now an item of special note

And now direct from crete welcome the silky smooth sound of airman adrian cronauer

And now here are the headlines

And perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories for fun yeah

And stop calling them gals cowgirls are called gals those are gorgeous french vietnamese b girls

And the stones oh you like mick jagger

And the troops they love him

And there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of

And this is just radio

And this one is brought to you by our friends at the pentagon remember the people who brought you korea

And we wish you good luck and success

And well comedy is a kind of hobby of mine

And what about jimmy wah's

And which marx brother would that be private zeppo

And who gave anyone permission to program modern music

And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch

And you have to get on the air

And you wanna take the ball

And you you are not funny but you are a maniac and you'd better start changing your life

Andy williams perry como and certain ballads by mr frank sinatra

Antics damn it comedy of errors like the keystone kops falling down

Any food on this street that doesn't give you diarrhea

Anything! just play it loud okay

Anyway he's the man that you don't want to aggravate

Anyway there's this guy from the 1st battalion 2nd infantry who swore that he could get him naked photographs of the actor

Are asked to drop a card to major gerald kleiner over at the 5th

Are you always this happy

Are you crazy I might

Are you planning sir to take some of the marijuana home back to the united states how would you do that by plane by helicopter and also by automobile

Arf! easy girl easy

Arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage

As I leave vietnam today there is no doubt certainly in my mind whether the vietcong will be defeated and that this war will be won

As soon as possible

Ask for the books by author title and subject and your selections will be mailed to you

At ease

At ease (2)

At ease hell we already are

Attention shoppers people people settle

Ba muy ba beer best beer in vietnam ba muy ba beer only beer in vietnam

Baby help me please

Back again

Basically it's hotter than a snake's ass in a waggon round up

Basically we talk hey man what's happening

Be my guest

Beach boys those were guys

Because basically I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius

Big fucking deal

Bikes we'll buy bikes

Black man's going it's just for the tip that's all I need is the tip

Bob fliber!

Bob likes a big room sir

Bob what do you do

Bookworms headquarters support activities saigon operates libraries at six locations in the republic of vietnam

Boston

Boston you know who sang the song my guy

Break the goddamn door down

Britain imposed an oil embargo on rhodesia today after that country's unilateral declaration of independence

Brother striker thank you brother striker

Bullshit

Bullshit! listen no more games okay

But can you tell me what it feels like

But facts are facts

But he left a farewell message for all you guys out there still sweating it out in the fields

But hey I like the class so i'm gonna stay

But I can easily play an occasional gary lewis record

But I warn you you not like it when you get there you say it ridiculous

But if you toy with me i'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child

But it doesn't mean we can't have a few laughs

But not before his humor cost the lives of three very fine individuals

But regardless of what you read airman the department of defense wants final say

But vietnam ladies not friends

By the food and flower vendors where you burn your mouth on the noodles

Bye bye bye

Call me crazy he's in rome

Call me in five minutes

Call police quick

Can we have is there a psychiatrist here

Can we please not get into this right now you're in the middle of a show

Can we try my boyfriend's back anybody

Can we try that one

Can you believe the shape of those gals girls

Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives

Can you give me a minute

Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here

Can't let you do that

Can't see dick like hunting with ray charles

Careful you could put an eye out with that

Carry on montesque carry on

Chaperons

Check it out

Cleveland obviously vietnam's not that much of a change for you then

Come on

Come on come on

Come on guess again

Come on it's cursing class you're getting a little pissed off what would you do

Come on let me buy you a beer

Come on let me buy you a couple of beers how about it

Come on pal we'll make it

Come on sir

Come on sir in a couple of weeks this'll be easy for you

Come on take some chances once in a while edward that's what life's all about

Come on you're on in like two seconds

Comedy no no this is not comedy comedy is fun it's antics hysterical type things

Comedy sir

Cretan camouflage if you wanna blend into a crowd of drunken greeks there's nothing better

Cronauer

Cronauer i'm sorry as hell about this thing

Cut that thing off I said cut it off

Da nang me da nang me why don't they get a rope and hang me

Dan levitan

Dan levitan you've probably heard my radio show

Definitely wouldn't work on radio sir

Dick i've covered for you a lot of times because I thought you was a little crazy but you're not crazy you're mean

Didn't have to pick up the phones until he comes back

Didn't I speak to you before

Didn't know they had balls

Didn't we meet last year at the feinman bar mitzvah

Didn't we meet last year at the peninsula club

Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out just moments before the whole place blew up

Didn't you hear I cannot find you unless you talk to me

Do you ever wonder how a young south vietnamese boy gets into and out of vc held territory

Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look to have a man under my command start a fucking bar brawl

Do you really expect me to run this radio station with nothing to say and no way to do it

Do you think he looks like a negative of little richard or am I crazy really and that hair

Does that road have a secure status

Don't build him up you'll let them down

Don't disappoint your

Don't do this shit

Don't get crazy over this dick

Don't get me wrong he seems like a nice guy but my father's nice and he's not funny either

Don't go near there get away from the river stay away from there

Don't help and don't smooth

Don't ruin it by conjuring up images of dale evans all right

Don't worry about it it'll go great this way sir

Don't you understand dick

Due respect sir

E g hey hauk eat a bag of shit you suck

Earl earl earl

Eat

Eat I can't it's still paddling

Eddie kirk here and ray conniff jubilee coming up in just a few moments

Edward don't you ever do anything that's not by the book

Edward please that's two nasty words in one year

Edward stay with me on this

Either of our names earl he calls everybody earl

Enemy what is enemy

Ethel merman jams russian radar

Ethel merman today uses a test to jam russian radar

Even encapsulated in two seconds my life is dull I find that very alarming

Even saying that means I don't know dick

Every gi in this country is glued to his radio twice a day at 0600 hours and 1600 hours to hear that lunatic

Everybody say gook but it's all right

Everybody time to get up get up wherever you are

Excuse me can I help you

Excuse me sir

Falling down that's a sight gag how would anyone see you fall down in the radio sir

Feels like the mouseketeers show annette cubby roy

Find anything

Fine

Fine just don't let it happen again

Fire 4 there's a fire in the landing on the outside of the building

First of all don't make fun of the weather here

First our fashion report from special forces sgt ernest lee sincere

First thing i'd like to know is what subject this is

First we have to have a little strenght training

Five months in saigon my best friend turns out to be a vc

Flip them a bird!

Flip them the bird

Fool it's hot I told you were you born on the sun it's damn hot

For crying out loud man this isn't brain surgery

For me I want to do something different

Forget it will you listen I give up i'm gonna phone it in okay enough bullshit i'm out of here see you fellows

Forget memos forget memos these are pretty women coming

Forgive me

Formaldehyde we put in just a touch of formaldehyde for flavour some people get sick yeah so if you have to be rushed to a hospital then when you return I give you a free salad

Former president eisenhower actually cartoon character elmer fudd

Former vice president richard nixon's in town

Former vp richard nixon will arrive here this week

Four twenty seven as far as

Frankly I found your I love a police action remark way out of line

Freddie and the dreamers

Freddie is the devil freddie is the devil

Frenchy you know I really shouldn't kid frenchy because sometimes he stan getz mad at me and he could al hirt me

Friends of phan duc tho

From a marine in da nang captain hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls

From england today princess margaret threw a shoe easy madge

From now on the fighting men of vietnam will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear

From the village new york

From the village well nice to have you here

Funny is good

Funny is good but then do it by using comedy and humor not police action and coffee remarks

Furthermore you are to stick to playing normal modes of music not wild stuff

G2 corporal tiser sir

Gambia singapore and the maldive islands join the united nations

Garlick

Garlick have you put on some weight

Garlick will you cut it out you're beginning to sound like a priest in a '40s movie

General likes easy listening I have to inform you

General wackiness like that

Genius

Gentlemen

Gentlemen what can I say but hi

Get a job

Get a job (2)

Get a job again

Get back

Get back (2)

Get back here!

Get him out of here

Get him out of there

Give it to me edward

Give me your hand

Go into conference that point that fence

God i've gotta be with her at least till she learns my name

God is it hot what a country heat humidity terrorism still it's better than new york in the summer

God it's warm huh

God nude photographs of walter brennan

God only knows what they'd say sir

God what time is it edward

God!

Goddamn it

Goddamn it I like you son I like what you do

Gomer are you here in vietnam

Good afternoon class

Good afternoon mr sloan

Good god help me work through it

Good morning vietnam

Good morning vietnam (2)

Good morning vietnam (3)

Good morning vietnam (4)

Good morning vietnam (5)

Good morning vietnam (6)

Good morning vietnam (7)

Good Morning Vietnam #good morning vietnam #robin williams #radio

Good morning vietnam what the heck is that supposed to mean

Good so do i

Goodbye vietnam

Got an agreement on guam

Got some songs going out right now to a couple of guys on the road to nha trang you know what i'm talking about

Great and manifold are our blessings today

Great britain recognised the island state of singapore

Great week

Greetings and salutations to any and all servicemen in the area and thanks so much for joining us

Groovy

Groucho marx!

Guam sir there's nothing going on in guam why guam

Guys i'd like you to meet our new deejay adrian cronauer

Ha ha ha! bada bing!

Ha ha thank you so much adrian

Hackensack

Has signed les crane to a late night talk show

Have a seat man pull up a floor here

Have you considered possibly a sex change there is an operation that can transform you

He came to us because of prostrate problems and some sort of social infection that doesn't go away

He did a very off color parody of former vp nixon

He didn't show up for work today either

He doesn't play police actions just wars

He likes to say pc instead of press conference the lieutenant loves to abbreviate

He look good to me

He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilize the sinai

He made a mistake

He maliciously and with purposeful intent read unofficial news

He mean that as compliment

He reminds me a lot of donna reed especially around the eyes

He say you drink too much already

He says he wants to buy naked photographs of the actor for three years he's been trying

He was a commander of an elite special forces unit

He was quoted as saying

He's a fashion consultant for the army

He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life

He's a little goofy but he's okay

He's also one of your roommates so if I were you i'd think about suicide

He's an exhilarating personality and polkas are just no substitute

He's currently wanted by the south vietnamese police in connection with several bombings in the area including the one at jimmy wah's

He's good oh he's good

He's impeccably clean

He's left crete he's entered the demilitarized zone

He's not out till you have both halves of the ball

He's read unofficial news

He's the first man in the history of armed forces radio to get fan mail

Heading north

Heh heh heh I like you already sir

Heh heh you know it's like wearing stripes and plaid

Hello campers

Hello class my name is adrian cronauer

Hello hello hello this is your chaplain captain noel

Hello hey well the gang's all here huh ha ha

Hello i'm william holden

Hello vietnam and greetings

Help me get some photo of those ankle I give you my bar

Here it is coming for you now quick news flash

Here it is right now

Here she comes

Here she comes miss southeast asia

Here she is diana ross and the suprawns

Here they come at you right now

Here you go there you go hey got one for you

Here your beer

Here's a brief test of that jamming

Here's a coincidence ho chi minh colonel sanders actually the same person

Here's a little james brown coming your way

Here's a little riddle for you

Here's a news flash

Here's a news flash coming right now

Here's a song coming your way right now

Here's how you do it you say slip me some skin put your hand out there then you go yeah there's some skin now you do it to me

Here's something exciting

Hey

Hey (2)

Hey 12 please um

Hey baby what's happening let's groove

Hey come on now

Hey cronauer say good morning vietnam

Hey curly!

Hey excuse me I would like to buy some cheese and some butter

Hey fellas how's the cough drop business

Hey guys guess who the hell I got in here

Hey hey hey hey hey hey come on now

Hey hey hey uncle phil

Hey hi can you help me what's your name

Hey I know it's not the morning but that's my trademark and good evening sounds too depressing

Hey I like you I just wanna be your friend okay I know it sounds dumb

Hey i'll be I wanna be your pal here okay i'll eat it dig in mm mm

Hey i'll take whatever you can give because i'm just happy to be with you

Hey i'm adrian cronauer

Hey i'm interested in the girl not in you playing dear abby

Hey is it a little too early for being that loud hey too late

Hey it's another delightful day here in vacation land

Hey it's no problem

Hey let me ask you a question what is the appeal of joey bishop

Hey listen I know there's no way

Hey mr o'malley o'malley you know the irish dolby twins

Hey peterson get up here man I think we got cronauer here

Hey sarge where are the women

Hey teacher when are you gonna teach us to softball

Hey that was the great exciting sound of petula clark

Hey that wraps it up for me marty lee dreiwitz

Hey that's it for me i'm out of here

Hey there we go for you here we go for you all

Hey there you are cronauer

Hey this has been fiction and fact from marty lee's almanac

Hey this is not a test this is rock 'n' roll

Hey wait a minute let's try something let's play this backwards and see if it gets any better

Hey we got a great show coming your way today

Hey we're back that last two seconds of silence was marcel marceau's newest single walkin' in the wind

Hey we're going right now to the news

Hey what is this demilitarized zone

Hey what kind of news are you leaving me there

Hey what's your name

Hey whatever it is I like it because it gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino

Hey where's he going

Hey you all played a good game

Hey you know what I mean

Hey you two earl what about couple beer

Hey! who brought in the gook I said who brought in the fucking gook

Hi

Hi (2)

Hi earl good to see you again

Hi general

Hi hi

Hi hi hi

Hi how's lynn doing i'm sorry you look like lynn's friend from toledo

Hi this is marty lee dreiwitz at cronauer control centre

Hi tuan long time no twee

Hi what's your name

Hi where you from

His father and brother was killed by french long ago I think that's not fair to him

Hold on a minute sir

Hold on how big is this thing hold on how big is this

Hot no hot no it's fucking great

How about if it escalated

How about if what escalated the vietnam conflict

How am I gonna get this girl to go out with me

How am I gonna get to first base with this girl

How can some person look like a shit it impossible

How can you fight a war in this shit I don't know where they are I don't even know where am

How can you have the gall to compare the conflict here in vietnam with a glass of cappuccino coffee

How come I don't get one

How do we know it's adrian cronauer

How do you recognise an island you go hey wait no don't tell me wait wait

How far you think we've gone ten 15 miles

How the hell do I know

How the hell you find us sparky

How would you describe your sex life with your wife pat it is unexciting sometimes

How would you describe your testicles they're soft they're shallow and they have no purpose they lack the physical strength

How you doing

How's it going up there

Hubert humphrey visits capitol hill

Hysterical type things

I also recognise your species of soldier

I am a lieutenant and I would like salutes occasionally

I am the authorities you moron

I better go now

I call it a jubilee

I can come up with alternatives other than crete

I can confide you sure

I can only tell you about how you can talk on maybe the real streets of america

I can't believe you

I can't believe you're gonna pass on this general

I can't do that sir

I can't even make fun of richard nixon

I can't I gotta be back on the air again

I can't really teach english

I damn near busted a gut laughing at him

I deserve to be notified of any changes that are made

I do nothing

I don't care about polkas

I don't find him funny at all

I don't know

I don't know (2)

I don't know I may go downtown look for a vietnamese man named phil

I don't know i'm just so happy

I don't know lieutenant

I don't know lieutenant I guess it means good morning uh vietnam

I don't know what that means

I don't know what to say

I don't know what to say we're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm and try and cook him down maybe a little barbecue

I don't like your style your politics or your sense of humor I don't like what you say or how you say it

I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one airman

I don't think anybody would see you fall through a radio sir if a field radio

I don't think so sir

I don't think you understand me sparky ahem

I don't wanna miss my big chance

I don't want makes you nervous cronauer

I doubt it

I expect every minute of the vp's pc to be taped and broadcast within 12 hours of his arrival

I feel like a fox in a chicken coop

I fought to get you into that bar and then you blow the fucking place up!

I get it mm hm

I got a great personality you ask anybody

I got it from my niece

I got it jerry vale he closes the copa on the 18th

I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet

I got something here for you

I gotta catch her before she accelerates

I gotta get her something what about bananas

I gotta tell you something you know

I guess I get inside hit these air conditioners I get a little dizzy

I guess that beach movie really impressed her huh

I guess we have to go to all the way to washington to weather central to walter cronkite

I had a guy like you in the field one time he blew himself to pieces

I have arranged for an honorable discharge provided you leave without incident

I have never ever in my travels come across a man as large as you with as much muscles who has absolutely no penis

I have no idea what that means sir but it seems very negative to me

I have over 15 years command experience in this army

I have to admit something to you I just came from crete with women that look like zorba

I have to leave the country because of my association with him

I heard that

I hope

I hope I hope we all could

I just remain reticent

I just want to begin by saying to roosevelt e roosevelt what it is what it shall be what it was

I just want you to know one thing if you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes don't forget pumps

I just wanted to think that you should

I know about the bombings sparky

I know americans you see a girl with the type breasts they like and they put her in a fancy car and they buy her some expensive food and then lie about money and then try and take her into a bed

I know because she's my sister

I know nixon personally

I know we can't use the word dyke you can't even say lesbian it's women in comfortable shoes

I know you very nice

I like james brown better

I like that makes me feel uh british or something

I live to collate sir

I love you

I made a date with you and trinh tomorrow

I mean I don't know it's the irish boy

I mean I know funny and I don't think you're it but hey such is life me i'm not much with power tools

I mean the man's not funny I know funny and he's not funny

I not can do this cronauer no no friend cronauer

I not like you sir

I not think be not correct of way please okay

I recommend you pack quietly

I run the station according to strict guidelines set by military intelligence

I run this show general

I said it is none of your goddamn business

I said that this a very good substitute

I say tomato you say cay tomat

I screw up once more dickerson sends me into the field with a rifle I come home in a box

I see your point i'm sorry

I still can't believe she really wants to see me

I tell you this guy's funny

I tell you this now listen

I think he sounds exactly like mister ed you be the judge

I think I learned enough about radio stations I mean maybe I can work in a station back home or something

I think some apologies are in order

I think that I see a pattern forming here

I think the troops are trying to tell us something fellas

I think there's an incredible coincidence here

I think this fall the discerning gi is gonna be wearing green in the jungle why because it matches with the green I don't the leaves they fall upon the helmets says yes to me

I thought i'd come and help smooth things out

I thought it was hilarious

I tried to tell the truth and they kicked me off the air

I trust you man it's just that I can't eat something that looks like a cesspool

I try to find cronauer he don't show up in class

I understand

I understand you're pretty funny as a deejay

I wanna introduce you to someone right now from my english class

I want to buy some butter and some cheese please

I want to say goodbye before you go to tell you thank you for being so kind

I want to see him asap

I want to show you something very nice it look wonderful

I want to turn in the ball to the original place

I want you to play this

I wanted to wait until the airman left to talk with you

I was almost killed a truck's bumper was this far from my nose

I was sent here on very strict orders from a colonel

I was thinking of something else

I was wondering if you could do your mister ed because I know people love that

I will tell him sir

I work for a living airman

I would however love to buy you lunch maybe look at a family album come on

I would like to leave the room now

I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good close personal friend

I'd like you to collate these one minute spots prior to broadcast

I'll buy you some lunch

I'll do fine comedy is what you make it i've got pages and pages of great material

I'll drive

I'll make sure he gets the message

I'll take care of it pronto sir

I'll work on that sir

I'm afraid you're gonna be hitting bottom sir

I'm also new york

I'm certain that i'm a catholic boy and I don't know when i'll be getting laid i'm just going off to vietnam

I'm from uh cleveland man

I'm general taylor

I'm gonna give you the old chuck on the shoulder now it's a stupid thing to do isn't it

I'm gonna take myself out of the driver's seat but i'm gonna turn you over right now to mr excitement

I'm here to make sure you don't say anything controversial

I'm impressed

I'm in artillery!

I'm informing you that you're out of here I want your bags packed and ready to go tomorrow afternoon

I'm just so full of semen I haven't gotten laid yet

I'm not even in my body

I'm not going on

I'm not going on (2)

I'm not gonna cover for you this time son

I'm o o o o'malley

I'm on again at 1600 why because I have to it's the army

I'm pretty sure you can step on crap I once saw it in a french movie

I'm private first class edward montesque garlick at your service sir

I'm real good at stuff like that

I'm saying i'm through i'm tired of people telling me what I can't say

I'm she's getting away edward get the jeep get the jeep

I'm sorry son

I'm stationed in poontang

I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here

I'm trying to run a meeting here

I'm waiting to die

I'm with somebody don't come bother me right now can't you give us weather

I'm with you man i'm on your frequency

I've assigned you to cover the pc

I've been all around the world seen a lot of places and a lot of people

I've been broadcasting the polkas because I thought a certain segment of the men weren't represented by cronauer's broadcasts of rock 'n' roll

I've been looking forward to meeting you

I've been on a greek island with a lot of women who look like zorba I never thought i'd find women attractive ever again

I've been on the air for four hours i'm a little hungry

I've been trying to tell him that it's no go but he won't listen to me

I've never heard rhymes like that

I've taken 90 calls this morning they just don't like hauk

If anything screws up it's my ass in the mower

If it isn't funny then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it

If it's being done correctly here or abroad it's probably not being done by the army

If someone is not telling the truth you say that they are full of shit

If something's really nice you say it's groovy doesn't mean you're like going no it means groovy

If this is legitimate news story it must go through proper channels

If you attempt to deviate from the planned schedule you're under arrest

If you can't stop in and select your own books write to the hsas library

If you don't understand what I said maybe you should take my english class

If you haven't noticed the army doesn't really want me been harassing me since the day I got off the plane

If you kick out the gooks next thing you have to kick out the chinks spics spooks and kikes and all that's gonna be left in here are a couple of brain dead rednecks and what fun would that be

If you say that hey some people in a car some gypsies they cut you off all of a sudden you flip them the bird

If you two have personal problems solve them will you

If you wanna continue to have a brother you take me to him now!

In sports all star rookie pete rose's three hits

In that case gentlemen let's edit

In the dictionary under asshole it says see him

In the eight weeks he's been on the air general he's disobeyed orders as to style and content

In time you will make me forget it

In vietnam family often come to meet someone to meet someone

Incidentally you're on the air in about ten seconds nine eight seven six

Is he all right

Is it english yes it is and how lucky for me

Is it me or is jimmy light in the loafers

Is that a new rule no old rule

Is that date firm

Is that me or does that sound like an presley movie

Isn't that funny you like that too

It did happen

It didn't work out

It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas

It involves cronauer which makes me suspicious immediately

It is definitely not a friendly area negative sir it is not it is hazardous and has been for about 48 hours heavily fortified and considered very unsafe sir

It just came down the pike you're back on the air sir

It okay! you can come out now!

It read for my the book

It says goodbye to everybody staying behind

It was a joke sir yes sarcasm sir

It was a pleasure making your acquaintance sir

It zoomed right by just the way they say it does

It'll be okay

It's 0600 what's the o stand for oh my god it's early

It's 1629 hours here in saigon and airman adrian cronauer is going home today

It's 5 30 five thirty it's very early I may have to hurt you

It's a bathing cap I just like to put a bathing cap

It's a deal

It's a greeting it's like how are you doing nice to meet you slip me some skin

It's a simple rule if the engine's humming it's already started never fail you

It's a special thing you do

It's all yours you got it

It's already started

It's dangerous out there things just jump out at you

It's going to be an exciting day of listening and learning so please tune in

It's gonna be hot and wet that's nice if you're with a lady but it ain't no good if you're in the jungle

It's hot damn hot real hot hotter things is my shorts I could cook things in it a little crotch pot cooking

It's just down the hall it's in the right

It's me your old pal frenchy

It's more devout here

It's not a pretty picture there's pieces of rubber all over his face

It's not a very pretty picture there's horns everywhere

It's not funny at all he said

It's so damn hot I saw one of those little guys their orange robes burst into flames it's that hot you know what i'm talking about

It's the truth I just wanna report the truth it'd be a nice change of pace

It's time for adrian cronauer

It's too dangerous staying here

It's unbelievable

It's very difficult to find a vietnamese man named charlie

It's working

Jay snyder

Jeez! shit! god oh hot

Jesus enough

Jesus that guy's as boring as whale shit

Jimmy wilkes

Joey bishop I wish someone would explain this one to me

Join the army and mark things

Jump in any time okay

Just cool your tongue airman because I intend to take issue with your performance

Just gonna get a little something to eat

Keep going! keep going! she's actually going home

Keep your eye on the fruit that's it eye on the fruit eye on the fruit on the fruit

Knock yourselves out

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the new voice of saigon adrian cronauer cronauer!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Larry pisces thank you very much

Last time in our last class we read chapter 3

Leo leo

Let me put it to you this way he's got this thing for walter brennan

Let's be friends okay come on come on come on

Let's get down to business here general

Let's go edward yeah the chase

Let's go let's boogaloo till we puke

Let's go whether it's a double or a daiquiri

Let's play a little game show while we're waiting

Let's pull her right back down let's try it faster see if that picks it up a little bit let's get it up on 17 18

Let's try a little phrase uh I like to call my boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble hey nah hey nah my boyfriend's back

Let's try a very special situation something special okay

Liberace is anastasia

Lieutenant scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts to make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones

Lieutenant steve let's play some music

Lieutenant steve lieutenant steve

Lieutenant steven hauk is our immediate supervisor

Lieutenant we get hundreds maybe thousands of calls and letters each week fan mail

Like if you're walking on the streets of new york and someone comes up and says

Listen

Listen could you do me a favour can you say something funny right this minute

Listen frenchy let me ask you something do you like good food

Listen his life is in danger you gotta tell me where the hell he is

Listen I gave you my friendship and my trust and now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy

Listen I gotta talk to you now come on

Listen if I don't get to my class there's gonna be a bunch of vietnamese speaking in choppy sentences

Listen if you have any problems here now you come see me

Listen it's an actual event where do you think this came from shaving

Listen jerk off we're here fighting for your country

Listen let me make it up to you by buying a cup of coffee also tea would fall into that category

Listen sparky I don't think seeing your little production of our town is gonna cheer me up

Lock 'n' loll baby lock 'n' loll

Look at the new friend

Look at the shape of that soldier ankle the way it so elegantly curve into his boot

Look at this look at that it says what sizes you got you got large medium and caucasian

Look at this thing a little italian party favour there

Look at this thing obviously this is going like yeah check it out

Look I caught his show on the isle of crete and this guy is funny

Look it's cool no big deal look

Look italian moon launch

Look out I don't see the sun anymore

Look out i'm singing everybody i'm singing

Look up there pull (mimics gunshot)

Look we gotta talk we gotta talk now

Looks at you like i'm sorry what're you gonna do about it asshole

Lost luggage

Major kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel as all duffels look alike

Makes me unique doesn't it

Man he's gonna say goodbye to the whole goddamn country now

Mantovani they play mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs

Maybe

Mayday dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock stop the car

Merry christmas bingo

Merry christmas if you believe in santa

Military intelligence there's a contradiction in terms

Military politics nothing personal

Mission does involve I think very appropriately as you have suggested give and take

Mistake sir I don't wanna be around when he broadcasts u s troop movements to the other side

Moe

More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history

Most of all I like what you've done for the men

Move out go get off go go go

Moving on moving on into the dawn with the dawn busters yeah

Mr cronauer I must

Mr cronauer I really liking you

Mr nixon while you've been in vietnam it's rumored that you smoked marijuana

My brother okay friends

My country maybe no future

My god it's mardi gras and i'm on the main float

My mother is dead

My name is levitan can you say that

My name is lewis striker striker

My name's roosevelt e roosevelt

My neighbour dead his wife dead

My ow shit this stuff is burning the hair off my feet

My son the shadow of your ass would weigh 20 pounds

My thoughts exactly

My village not too far from here you could come there for resting you could see how we live

My whole life passed before my eyes and it wasn't even interesting to me

Nearby the larch tree near viet hoa

Nerve gas yes have you used any well once yes on myself and it had no (screams) no effect on me i've had no actual

Nha trang

Nice to have you here in vietnam

Nixon singapore lake erie

Nixon's press conference

No

No (2)

No (3)

No and it doesn't look good jimmy

No batter no batter

No big men with mustaches named mary who wear mascara

No I can't let you do that

No I don't think that cronauer is going to be back in the air sir

No I like you because you're honest because you're shorter than I am we look like a before and after picture

No i'll have to make something up

No i'm actually hungry

No i'm sorry

No it means like hey baby slip me some skin

No it okay I not tell you okay otherwise you like it

No it's not a problem everybody has it

No no come on

No no no he made a mistake we all make mistakes

No no no need

No no no not literally falling down

No no you see you step in shit you can be full of crap

No phil he's not all right

No problem

No she don't

No sir

No sir frankly I do not understand

No sir it does not

No that doesn't say the right thing you're right how about

No those behinds were designed by a ******* scientist in switzerland dr feintush dr heimlich feintush

No we have to get up right now

No wonder you hauled ass

Nobody's arguing that with you

Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you can hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small new hampshire town

Not comfort for me

Not enough for the car yeah

Not now man come on

Not now man i'm on the balcony i'm trying to score back off

Not really

Not when I get into trouble no I don't

Not without slides

Nothing to discuss she doesn't like me

Now funkify it give me some real funk

Now here's the weather we're gonna go to roosevelt e roosevelt roosevelt how's it going

Now i've got a show to do

Now if someone in america comes up and says slip me some skin don't be afraid they're not a leper they're not gonna go

Now is when I stop talking

Now let's start off with the fact that english is a fantastic language

Now little gi you and your little toto too

Now that I do you won't turn the car around thanks a lot

Now this thing is a delicate balance over here and I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey

Now we got a special situation right now

Now where do cronauer go

Now you get the hell out of here right now

Now you have to go it's better off

Now you say hi to me then you smile

Nowhere to run to by martha and the vandellas

Obviously you just said fuck it i'll join the army and be with people in green

Of the beach boys

Oh adrian adrian what are you doing adrian

Oh bag it bag it garlick

Oh but of course the french love good food

Oh censor censor censor

Oh come on this is not the catskills get somebody good get the beach boys don't dick around here

Oh edward i'm in love think she likes seafood

Oh frenchy

Oh get out of here watch out

Oh girls girls come on over your loss

Oh give me a break man it's too hot for radio shit okay

Oh god

Oh god help me this is wonderful

Oh god this could be very ugly hi

Oh gosh yeah

Oh hannah you slut you've been down on everything but the titanic stop it right now

Oh he oh ho chi minh

Oh I got your pansy ass in a sling now cronauer

Oh i'll get you my pretty

Oh i'll let her say no

Oh i've got a feeling that love is here to stay

Oh it's an order

Oh let me go back to bed

Oh lieutenant steve

Oh lieutenant steve (2)

Oh look you've landed in saigon you're among the little people now

Oh me like that you're silly

Oh minh not now

Oh my bar! why who do that

Oh my god it's the wicked witch of the north it's hanoi hannah

Oh my god!

Oh no bozo boys and girls

Oh no don't go in there

Oh no follow the ho chi minh trail follow the ho chi minh trail

Oh no man listen let me just feed my face just a moment come on

Oh picky picky

Oh she pour nuoc mam noodle soup with fish ball

Oh shit

Oh sir walter cronkite lives in new jersey

Oh still a bad song

Oh they're buddhists they're sitting for peace wisdom and knowledge they're waiting for enlightenment

Oh two boys joined together

Oh uh yes sir

Oh what a dude

Oh what happened

Oh you got it james nice shiny green suit you look like an oriental leprechaun

Oh you think this is a joke

Oh you're going straight to hell for that one watch out over there

Okay

Okay (2)

Okay (3)

Okay (4)

Okay (5)

Okay everybody let's play ball!

Okay for now suspend him

Okay frenchy what would you like to hear

Okay here we go

Okay i'll give her the best shot

Okay if someone is making you angrier and angrier therefore you have pissed me off

Okay it's blocked in by a truck

Okay join the others if you can

Okay let's just play with the substitute then okay

Okay let's stop with that we can stop with the debate on the great caca right now

Okay let's take one more ball here this one's a better one

Okay she goes in the kitchen she gets a knife she starts stabbing you she's stabbing you she's putting forks in you she's got spoons in your eyes will

Okay sherlock yeah I bribed my way to meet the girl you got me bang

Okay sir thank you

Okay take the ball will you then i'll give you money if you take the ball

Okay that one okay

Okay that's a deal

Okay there's a puerto rican waitress

Okay we gotta play you're pitching

Okay which one of you guys is throwing his voice

Okay who do we have slated for live entertainment in november

Okay yeah well we'll try and do that if we get the equipment

On anything in particular

One moment

One thing that didn't officially happen was a bomb didn't officially explode at 1430 hours unofficially destroying jimmy wah's cafe

Or are you normally not that inquisitive

Or I may just stay here and listen to old pat boone records try and find some hidden meaning

Our jeep gets blown off the road and his van won't start

Pardon me girls excuse me girls hello hello come on yes

Patrick o o'malley

Patrick o'ma o'malley

People are depending on you

Personal missing luggage that should be personnel missing luggage

Phan duc tho!

Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight and sound

Play game of softball

Please don't call me sir

Please don't do this to me please don't do this

Please i'm bag it!

Please make a note of it

Please okay not friends

Please welcome to the microphone the lieutenant of laughs the officer of oral the westmoreland of wit swinging steven hauk

Plus I think he got shot in the ass but I can't confirm that

Police ambulance and fire department responded at what's believed to be unofficial at this present moment

Pope actually found to be *******

Pope paul vi celebrated a mass in italian

Possibly but you would need very just what I wanted to hear specific introductions

Programming taste

Puff the magic dragon

Puff the magic dragon living by the tree

Queens bayside queens

Reader's digest is considering publishing two of my jokes

Real homey in an opium kind of way

Real intelligent solution

Real pleasure

Really give me your best shot lay something on me give it a go give it a go

Really yeah

Red leather yellow leather red leather red leather yellow leather red leather

Relax already crazy american

Remember monday is malaria day

Remember this is the vietnamese word con dum

Requests where am I gonna take requests where can you call from

Requisitioned for a name change trouble is actually my new middle name

Respectfully sir the former vp is a good man and a decent man

Right abersold

Right any movement on the walter brennan thing

Right here sergeant

Right here this way this way

Right now it's once again time for the king kong of saigon adrian cronauer

Right now let's play a song from adrian's own playlist one of a c 's favorites

Right now yes

Right we got it you're cooking now

Rollin' rollin' rollin' keep them wagons rollin' rawhide

Route 1 a sir is the only route to an loc sir

Say we're not supposed to fraternize with these girls it says so in the memo no fraternizing with these girls in the memo

Sean donum

Second

See the purpose is to inform you as to the radius of the radio waves

See you

See you later

Seeing as how the vp is such a vip shouldn't we keep the pc on the q t because if it leaks to the vc he could end up an mia and then we'd all be put on kp

Senator dirksen!

Seretse khama becomes the first premier of bechuanaland

Sergeant major

Sergeant major dickerson ha that's another story altogether

Sergeant sloan our teacher you're not supposed to be in here

Set me free why don't you babe set me free why don't you babe

Shape of the blue

She comes over brings you a red soup she's got some tomato soup oh she slips she spills it on your brand new gabardine pants that you paid more than a colored tv for

She did say no that's what walking away from you means

She do liking you she want to meet you today she's not far from here

She likes the three stooges hey moe hey moe

She say it's a little spicy a little yeah

She's beautiful and quick speed up check her stamina

She's not for you

She's still married after six months way to go liz hey

Shh! listen

Shit one more time

Shot by american

Should've gotten the one with the training wheels pal

Shout by the isley brothers you know that

Shut up

Sir

Sir (2)

Sir (3)

Sir do you see anything on this uniform indicating an officer

Sir I really don't think that you wanna use any of those records sir

Sir I recommend we issue a 24 hour pass

Sir i'd like an explanation

Sir i'm begging you don't try to do comedy it's not in your blood

Sir if it is my programming choices I can change

Sir in my heart I know i'm funny

Sir it wouldn't work

Sir it's time to rise

Sir sir reading the news is one thing but this stuff you wrote it's not funny sir it's sad

Sir thank you for that constructive criticism it's a privilege to take comedy notes from a man of your stature

Sir the man has got an irreverent tendency

Sir the man is a walking keg of dynamite

Sir there is no such thing as only anymore not now not in saigon

Sir these letters are unequivocal

Sir what about the show

Sir will you listen to me

Sir with all due respect I think you're gonna you might lay an egg I mean a big egg

Sir you heard from the men who don't like my humor but what about the silent masses who do

Sir you're not funny ask around ask me

Sir you've made the correct choice

Sir! sir I tell you this is not safe!

Sir! sir sir!

Sir! sir we have to get some dignity here a little dignity!

Sitting back having a cup of formaldehyde

So every item's checked by these two guys in here

So fuck it

So many things not happen the way you want them

So nice so good

So take your liberties but watch the liberties you take

So this is the country where they grow rattan love seats

So what it's the guys in the field that matter remember those are the guys that are dying

So what's wrong with that

So without further ado here's a farewell extravaganza

So you start a brawl turn the place upside down

Some more songs

Something funny garlick perhaps you'd like to share it with the rest of us

Something real special right now

Sometimes your face look like a fish in the gulf of thailand

Somewhere over there

Soon the news then

Soon we play baseball

Sorry

Sorry (2)

Sorry sir I haven't been to sleep

Sound like you learned english from tonto come we go

Sounds like a children's story that's it i'm reading this

Sounds like bird droppings

Sparky

Speak your piece dick

Speaking of early how about that cro magnon marty dreiwitz

Speaking of things controversial is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in vietnam

Special song going out to you right now

Specifically

Staggers the imagination

Stamp collections pulling chickweed from my dad's dichondra plants

Stay here sir i'll talk to the guys okay

Stick with me I don't wanna go around again

Still eating sir

Stones

Sugar and spice ha ha

Sukiyaki volare the portuguese washerwoman and third man theme on the kirk international

Surely you're familiar with that incident

Take you home safe now from vc

Take you home you come out no problem

Talk

Talking out in the field today

Taxi!

Tell him thanks it's nice to bomb in another language

Tell me something I don't know okay

Tell them james hurt them now ha ha

Ten hut

Terrible that's terrible

Terrorism's on the uprise in saigon

Thank you

Thank you (2)

Thank you (3)

Thank you (4)

Thank you (5)

Thank you all the same

Thank you america it was fun being president

Thank you bob can we play anything for you

Thank you for playing

Thank you for that concise political commentary but i'd like to delve into something slightly more personal for the men in the field

Thank you for that lovely tune that funky music will drive us till the dawn

Thank you for your support

Thank you i'm just very happy to be here I want to tell you something

Thank you is it true that you've actually

Thank you jimmy

Thank you lieutenant

Thank you lieutenant (2)

Thank you lieutenant (3)

Thank you marty for silky smooth sound make me sound like peggy lee

Thank you marty silky smooth sounds get out of here

Thank you mm mm campbell's

Thank you roosevelt

Thank you roosevelt (2)

Thank you sir

Thank you thank you all the same

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

Thank you thanks for these oh these are special

Thank you very much

Thank you very much for playing

Thank you very much let me introduce the members of the band

Thank you we'll have to go to someone else for the weather

Thanks

Thanks (2)

Thanks for setting me straight

That about wraps it up for me marty lee filling in for my buddy vacationing eddie kirk who despite all your requests will return tomorrow

That comment is too sarcastic

That is humor I recognise that

That is not funny

That is not what we program here

That one's coming right at you now

That road is victor charlie sir

That was louis b armstrong the great satchmo

That's a direct quote sir

That's a joke right

That's a joke right I get it

That's about as good a polka as you'll ever hear

That's about it for the adrian cron hour

That's all I have for you airman

That's all right I did

That's another person sir

That's censorship that's not what america's all about

That's funny

That's great

That's it for hygiene in the heat tomorrow we'll

That's it for you asshole

That's it we're having a good time all right!

That's jimmy wah he owns the place

That's lieutenant hauk in there

That's like newark after dark you gotta watch out

That's marty lee dreiwitz

That's not the fucking point! you understand me

That's pretty much to the point sir not much grey area in this one

That's right i'm history i'm out of here I got the lucky ticket home baby

That's right rise and shine rise and shine

That's right the big dick is here get ready

That's right the u s army

That's right time to take that big orange pill and get ready for the ho chi minh two step

That's some heavy shit going down baby

That's stupid you don't call someone crap no you step on crap you don't call it to a person

That's the end of the adrian cron hour but i'm gonna turn you over right now to mr warmth dan the tan levitan

That's true it's very true that's an insult isn't it

That's what being a higher rank is all about

That's wonderful

The armed forces sincerely regrets any inconvenience due to luggage lost on transport carriers

The army is kind of quirky that way

The army knows about your brother

The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on highways

The card should be no larger than 4 by 5 inches and should describe the contents of your duffel

The east germans today claimed that the berlin wall was a fraternity prank

The fellow I got in here is the gentleman the one and the only king of the airwaves you're a dead man adrian cronauer

The fighting's not just in the hills it's downtown

The former vice president is a delight sir

The former vp will be here on friday

The fuck you going

The guys who flew you in radioed they picked up a south vietnamese boy with you and garlick

The hunt is on

The man is a goddamn subversive

The man should be court martialled sir

The men all hate hauk

The men just like him better than they do you

The men want him back I want him back

The men want him back I want him back reinstate the man

The mississippi river broke through a protective dike today

The noodles remember when you burn your mouth

The other eleven hundred calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick

The problems of this country have not one goddamned thing to do with whether you play polkas or don't play polkas

The requests will be taken pretty soon

The united states has no right to give

The vc the fucking vc

The vietnam conflict

There is no place for neutrality or a neutralist sentiment in south vietnam

There it is man yo!

There she is again how did she get ahead of us

There she is any girl who wants me this bad I can't let her down

There whoa jeez it almost blew up in my face

There you are sir

There's actually no rubber on these tyres

There's not too many high ranking officers who would be sympathetic to a serviceman with links to terrorists

There's nothing I can do about that

There's prophylactic everywhere man

These three were executed shortly after this photo was taken

These two were physically abusing a vietnamese national I thought since we were here to

They have pictures of him if they find him they will shoot him

They spilled something on your pants what would you do

They want cronauer back

They'd never approve of that being released

They're all named nyugen or doh or things like that it's very difficult for me

They're having a great

They're out there

They're rioting in hue

They're ruby slippers put these on and say there's no place like home there's no place like home and you can be there

They're starting to cut you with knives putting spoons in your eyes what would you do will what would you do

This boy's gone soldier

This could give the army a black eye

This great godly miracle of radio really gives me the opportunity to speak to you on the air

This is a gi bar we don't like gooks we don't want him here you just get him out

This is a nightmare

This is a tempest in a teacup much ado about nothing

This is a very different culture

This is afrs radio saigon

This is afrs radio saigon and yours truly dan the man levitan

This is afvn rocking you from the delta to the dmz

This is eddie garlick com

This is eddie garlick coming to you live from afrs armed forces radio saigon

This is eddie garlick coming to you live from afrs armed forces radio saigon (2)

This is incredible oh my god they're quick they're fast and small

This is not military issue airman what sort of uniform is that

This is not over yet

This is the place where we like to hang out sir

This is tuan the guys hey tuan guys tuan

This man has cleaning products shipped in from wisconsin

This man lose one son from blasting american mine

This news is not official airman

This news isn't official

This not a real baseball it much smaller and harder than this one

This not official news airman and as far as i'm concerned it didn't happen

This will not look good on a resume!

Those are gorgeous gals i've i'll never have them i've always wanted girls like that but i've always had trouble especially as a young child

Those girls are just so pretty

Those men who lost equipment in last week's rains are asked to contact lieutenant sam scheer lieutenant schneer

Those personnel with lost bag

Those pilots are going I like the music I like the music

Those we would find acceptable here would include lawrence welk jim nabors mantovani percy faith percy faith good!

Thousands of guys wrote in called in trying to get you reinstated

Three men were unofficially wounded and two men whose identities are still not known were unofficially dead

Time to rock it from the delta to the dmz

To avoid razor burn problems always rinse you razor with cold water instead of hot you skin will look and feel a whole lot better

To recover contents such as shoes socks and undergarments

Today president lyndon johnson passed a highway beautification bill

Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north

Too much

Transferring me sir where to sir

Try it

Try it again

Try that one say hey baby what's happening let's groove

Tuan

Tuan is also known as phan duc tho

Turn the power off in that studio turn it off now

Two degrees cooler me without my muff god

Uh dick i'm transferring you

Uh look what you did and goddamn it and stupid and crap

Um airman cronauer sir

Under the boardwalk you know that one

United states air force the hat does give you away

Up in bergen county

Vee

Very good all right now all right let's recap now okay

Very good okay

Vg sir

Viva da nang oh viva da nang

Wait a minute try this one try this one

Wait we're here to help this country!

Wake up mr sleepy head you are late

Walter brennan you know walter brennan from the real mccoys the tv show

Walter what's the weather like

Wanna interview some gis in the field sir and play those tapes on the radio

Warm no this is a setting for london broil

We are not firing you the boys are depending on you

We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian

We can get tony bennett or trini lopez

We can't afford the teletype

We don't have time taxi

We found out that we can't find them they're out there and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy

We got a new man coming in

We got one call from some guy in wichita who thought hauk was visionary and interesting

We have a selection right here that's prepared

We haven't got a real baseball bear with me okay we haven't got the money pal

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an emergency selection of the benny goodman orchestra

We like your lessons better than the book's

We love you man

We must to ask the people

We not the enemy you the enemy

We promised our listening audience nixon highlights by 4 p m

We represent the arvin army the arvin army

We say thank you for your fine teaching about softball and we learned a lot from you

We simply need to consider taking him off the air

We still have a few minutes before your show begins sir

We tried but their agent says they're still on the beach and they won't be off the sand till november

We won't buy bikes

We'd like to welcome you to vietnam the country that is more stimulating than a strong cup of cappuccino or an espresso enema

We'd love a couple of beers jimmy

We'll handle it

We're back here's the news

We're bringing in thousands of troops every month

We're gonna hit some songs at you now coming your way

We're gonna play some music for you right now here we go

We're here sir jimmy wah's

We're moving on right now

We're not in america sir

We're not in kansas anymore toto

We're obviously not in cambodia

We're only talking about a damn deejay

We're pretty happy with him too sir

We're there

We're trying to meet them but nobody can come up with any good lines

We've got a deejay that the men dearly love

We've got a mounting crisis in this country

We've got a special man in the audience today right now it's mr leo

We've got our traffic report up there on the ho chi minh trail

We've gotten duffel bags filled with information asking for cronauer's reinstatement

Weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon

Welcome back

Welcome to saigon sir

Well a good polka it is for my good friend frenchy

Well actually it's a little more than just a hobby

Well didn't somebody wearing my uniform and bearing a striking resemblance to myself just say that that kind of music was inappropriate

Well first thing garlick is you gotta requisition a new name

Well hauk can do it sir till I find a replacement

Well how about that

Well I didn't really make that suggestion sir i'm sorry

Well I had you there babe but then you lost me at the end

Well I was it just comes up I was just trying to be funny

Well i'm actually giving you an order

Well i'm liking you too thank you

Well tell him I drink so I can be this funny

Well thank you sergeant i've missed you

Well that seems fair it really does

Well that's a form of humor sir

Well then I guess that would make you an eydie gorme

Well uh I love a good polka as much as the next man

Well wait till you hear it he's this far from sincerity

Well we ask people are you the enemy and whoever says yes we shoot them

Well we originally wanted bob hope but turns out he won't come

Well well well luke well well

Well what do you use to look for them

Well why don't you try it out

Well you carry on montesque

Well you guys you take care of yourselves I won't forget you

Well you know you're very beautiful and you're also very quiet

Well you see i'm not used to going on a date with a grand jury and it makes me a little nervous

What a plus

What are queens tall thin men who like show tunes

What are they doing

What are you afraid of that some people might find out there's a war going on

What are you doing ed

What are you doing here

What are you saying to me

What do they mean police action sounds like a couple of cops in brooklyn going she looks pretty to me

What do you mean you're not going on

What do you say to her what would you say

What do you think it's gonna be like tonight

What do you think you'll do when you get out of the army

What do you think you're doing you know you're forbidden to read anything not checked

What does three up and three down mean to you airman end of an inning

What happened

What happened (2)

What I mean is in the spirit of the keystone kops

What I was there

What is a demilitarized zone sounds like something out of the wizard of oz

What is a lakai

What is a protective dike is that a large woman standing by the river going don't go near there

What is wrong

What music do you like do you like little anthony

What sir

What that's it

What the hell is going on here

What the hell is this

What the hell was that crappy weather shitty weather

What the hell's the holdup

What town are you stationed in

What we're gonna talk about today is shopping shopping for dinner and the things you buy during uh in your shopping trip

What will I do without you sir

What you do is important to a lot of people

What'd he say

What'd she just say she said no sir

What's going on here

What's he gonna be like in six months

What's he gonna be like when he's ten times as popular general how easy is it gonna be to get him off the air then

What's one thirteenth of a dollar among friends come on

What's that

What's the difference between the army and the cub scouts cub scouts don't have heavy artillery

What's the weather like out there

What's the weather like you got a window open it

What's this thing on your helmet what is that thing what you got there

What's up

What's your name

What's your name (2)

When asked for a reply the russians went what the hell was that

When I think you're ready i'll try

When it's time to read the news you just take it off these machines here

When you look like goliath so like you beware of some david

When you teaching us softball

Where are you come from

Where do you imagine you're going

Where is cronauer

Where you from

Where you from jimmy

Where you going to

Where's that

Where's this man's paperwork

Who can tell me who sang the song my guy

Who is this south vietnamese boy

Who the hell gets laid as a young child

Who will do the cronauer show

Who's that

Who's the guy with the ears

Who's tuan

Whoa big dogs big dogs landing on my face

Whoa there dick put the brakes on

Whoo! thank you those

Why am I here

Why because we not human to them we only little vietnamese

Why can't I read this it's what's going on here now

Why do I feel like the miracle worker up here

Why do you make every town sound like a mexican restaurant

Why don't you try it out

Why not

Why not (2)

Why not maybe play a couple of tennessee ernie ford records that'd be a hoot heh

Why that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard

Why would cronauer's voice be on this tape

Why you still here

Why'd you do this

Why'd you name your daughter linda bird 'cause linda dog would be too cruel

Wilbur come in the room

Will you cut that out we're the same rank

Would bob dylan be out of line way way way out of line

Would you kindly lower your tone please

Wow baby I don't know what's going down

Wrong speed we've got it on the wrong speed for those of you recovering from a hangover that's gonna sound just right

Yeah and my mother is a werewolf right

Yeah go run! run!

Yeah he's funny I know funny and this guy is funny sensational

Yeah i'm in a phone booth out in the dmz i'm trying to call you right now

Yeah me too

Yeah now then you say groovy yeah say that

Yeah shit I can't think of it

Yeah shit I can't think of it that's right

Yeah that's right the final adrian cronauer broadcast

Yeah yeah you okay

Yeah! run run run! okay

Yes

Yes baby!

Yes but they can be full of shit he said

Yes come we go

Yes I am surprise surprise surprise

Yes I have two months to live and I would like to teach before I die

Yes i'm sure that wasn't walter cronkite

Yes sergeant major dickerson

Yes she do

Yes sir

Yes sir (2)

Yes sir (3)

Yes sir (4)

Yo gi! hello sailor hello! hey!

You be the judge our lines are open

You better not even come within range of anything that happens or your ass is grass and i'm a lawnmower

You better stay cool you better not get involved in anything

You can always send me back to crete

You can buy me lunch but please forget about my sister

You can step on crap I know you can

You can't go yet you have to taste my spicy chicken

You can't just leave them in this shit

You come for the girl you get her you go

You come into my class so maybe we like you

You could fly to guam with those

You could get in trouble for that

You could put amphetamine freaks to sleep with this shit

You did

You don't believe it's me

You don't have the power i'll take this to the authorities

You don't have time you'll stay here and drink instant beverage or something

You don't know whether you're shot fucked powder burned or snake bit

You don't really need me you just keep me steaming on

You don't think I can come up with something good

You don't understand

You don't win the case of fish balls and lizard testicles thank you for playing anyway

You fine how you are

You forget the girl

You go into a restaurant okay a waitress comes up to you you're wearing your best new suit she comes up she spills soup all over you

You got it

You got me there because i'm sorry we have no budget you see and I gotta get on a plane and we have to do with what we can

You gotta be careful jack that's some heavy stuff up there

You gotta get up sir

You gotta prove something knocking around vietnamese kids here

You gotta tell me where your brother is

You guys be careful

You guys mind if I drive

You guys mind if we make an unscheduled stop I got something I gotta do

You guys take care of yourself because you all look like I don't know what's gonna happen man I don't know

You have a problem with that young man

You have a very important meeting

You have to meet her today otherwise you miss your big chance

You hear me

You killing my own people so many miles from your home

You know any american songs at all

You know anything about this

You know he's really funny you know he's like a marx brother

You know I hate the fact that you people never salute me

You know if you pick them up by their ears it doesn't hurt them as much

You know it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while

You know one day I wanna kiss his ring and have it go (whistles)

You know puff the magic dragon will you sing it

You know sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble it's called fun

You know this whole camouflage thing for me doesn't work very well because you go in the jungle I can't see you

You know we haven't passed too many checkpoints since chon thanh

You know why we ended up in the same place your limp pulled us to the right we're going in circles

You know you go in the jungle make a statement if you're going to fight clash you know what I mean

You know you're in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in history

You like it I got it in hong kong home of the shiny green suit

You like james brown better yes sir

You like me because of my sister

You look a lot like hawaii

You look hip today slip me some skin

You mad I not trust you but true you not trust me

You must be nervous sir huh

You naive man cronauer you take a stupid side

You not understand you not we no future together

You okay

You old enough for this place I think so

You phoney like american and french before you here to get something leaving when you not get it

You say after you go out with trinh you meet me to talk and discuss about her

You see trinh there

You see you don't trusting me

You shut your fucking hole

You shut your mouth

You stay out of my way there'll be no problem

You take care all right

You talk I think very much

You teach american thing okay

You think the teacher would be able to date her

You think this is the most serious set of affairs I have to address this week it's not

You think we've reached cambodia yet

You used me to kill two people two people died in that fucking bar

You wanna give me a ride to the school or am I gonna have to buy another bike

You want be my friend you trusting me you would eat it

You want cronauer back on the air

You want everyone going under the assumption it's perfectly safe here don't you well it's not

You want to see a movie or something

You wanting some

You were my friend I trusted you

You will address me as sergeant major dickerson

You will sick if you drink some more come on

You would need very specific family sanctioned introductions in order to talk to this girl

You'll be bored you know what are you gonna do with your time

You'll feel like george wallace campaigning in harlem hi have you seen my face

You'll get used to it maybe

You're a little angry so you say to her minh

You're a very attractive man don't think I haven't noticed

You're a very sick man you know that don't you

You're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing

You're both from new york nice to have you here you like just hanging out

You're going to guam

You're gonna leave the whole fucking thing behind leave everything fucking hanging

You're headed north

You're here good to see you

You're in southeast asia now pal you got your cushy little assignment

You're listening to eddie kirk on afrs I have a big special

You're not

You're not gonna continue this broadcast are you sir

You're not gonna last long here pal

You're not supposed to address the general saying hi

You're on a dc 8 from tan son nhat airport tomorrow at 1830 hours

You're pissing me off

You're so good person and I could not with you we are so different

Your fly is open made you look

Your friend is a vc terrorist

Your friend is next

Your jeep

Your radio programme of personal beliefs

Zeppo isn't he the one with the hat

(all cheering)

(all laughing)

(all laughing) (2)

(bicycle horn honks)

(building explodes)

(cackles)

(dreiwitz scatting reveille)

(engine grinds)

(gasps)

(hums the twilight zone theme song)

(laughing)

(military chopper noise)

(mimics teletype machine)

(mimics teletype machine) (2)

(mimics teletype machine) (3)

(mimics teletype machine) (4)

(mimics teletype machine) (5)

(screams)

(screams) (2)

(singing nonsense)

(speaks in vietnamese)

(teletype sound)

(van engine turning)

(van engine turning) (2)

(van engine turning) (3)