Ted (2012) Soundboard Edit

A couple of charles brew kowskis

A cushy $38000 a year branch manager who's personal friends with tom skerritt

A hundred bucks says he's showing her the diving team photo

A little heavy on the eye makeup but pretty good

A professional nfl player is called upon to save the world

A young boy's stuffed animal has magically come to life for as yet unknown reasons

Actually could you wrap just this up for me I want to scare the shit out of somebody sure

Actually you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis

Ah! you suck kareem

All I ever wanted was you john bennett

All I ever wanted was you, John Bennett.

All I want is I just want to end on good terms I owe that to you

All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two had no intention to do

All right brandi heather channing breanna amber sabrina melody dakota sierra bambi crystal samantha autumn ruby taylor tara tami

All right buddy go get 'em

All right easy come on ted

All right fuck it

All right here we go

All right here's your keys your rental agreement complimentary map of boston

All right I get it and you know I don't blame you

All right I love you

All right i'm just saying

All right kareem!

All right kid you win we'll do it your way what do you want to do you want to play a game it's playtime right we'll play a game

All right knock it off!

All right look let's just find a better place to get stoned

All right speed round i'm going to rattle off some names and when I hit it fucking buzz it okay you got me

All right this is one man to another

All right whatever you say

All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee

All you've got to do is not fuck up

An apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles it is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry an absolute death machine

And as one gentleman to another I just want to say I really hope you fucking get lou gehrig's disease

And beat up the ******* kids

And by blaming me you you're just making yourself look like a pussy

And by the way my dancing was not that bad

And don't worry i'll do my very best to get this job that I so crave

And don't worry, I'll do my very best

And for little john bennett christmas day brought a very special new arrival

And for little John Bennett,

And he knew that if he ever found that friend he would never let him go

And he's falling to fucking pieces without you.

And hey all those rich black people can't be wrong right

And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear too and he said no

And I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm and wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up and stuck his finger in his ass

And I have rights! (GRUNTS)

And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends

And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends.

And I particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night

And I promised myself that if I ever had a son I would never ever ever say no to him ever

And I want you to know that after last night I don't ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again

And I was so heartbroken

And I'm ready to change,

And if that means getting you off my back well that's just a bonus

And it was so scary but it was like so much fun

And it's a non restricted place

And jesus be with you in christ

And not only that it's the wrong time it's a terrible idea I mean you got the economy you got the credit bubble the supreme court I mean look at haiti

And so john lori and ted lived happily ever after

And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot

And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends

And the guy down at the store told me

And then he got deported back to iran

And then they practically have to give me the anderson case

And then they're like oh my god! he can deliver he's actually quite a litigator

And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it cpr and it came back to life

And then when we saw it fall from the tree,

And this is for Lori Collins

And unless you're too blind to notice he's not your only friend anymore

And we we ended up hooking up in the back room

And you better never show your face around quincy you hear me

And you don't remember it no same as last time

And you'll see he'll never be scared of thunder again

And you're nasty do you want to get nasty you're a nasty girl

Anybody can come of course **** are welcome well yeah why wouldn't they be

Are there naked dicks in gay porn

Are we still going to smoke that pot?

Are you even listening to me do you give any shred of a shit

Are you going to do it

Are you kidding me

Are you out here all alone uh no no i'm not you know you're never alone when you're with christ so no i'm not alone

As I said you would need a law degree from a law school

As you can see my dance card is quite full so i'm going to have to decline

Asometimes you're crazy

Asshole!

Aw congratulations john

Aw! merry christmas john

Baby I don't know if this is going to work please just try

Baby please ask ted to move out so we can move on with our lives

Baby, I don't know if this is going to work.

Back off susan boyle!

Back off, Susan Boyle!

Baltic czech

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat right pink floyd

Because I love you

Because in a month my life could be your life

Because of that I just lost the love of my life

Before long teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right

Besides what if he chose ted

Boom that's me and skerritt

Brandi lynn heather lynn channing tami lynn

Break his arm off!

Break this up break this up get him!

Bring it in, you bastard. Come on

Bullshit! that totally works

But dad

But dad I want the bear on tv

But daddy

But do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move

But he can never fail

But I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing

But i'm talking about a mature relationship lori

But just listen to me for five seconds.

But lori cannot find out she absolutely cannot know I was gone

But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone.

But then she got pregnant from this asshole guy and so we couldn't go and I was all upset

But then she had a miscarriage and so we ended up getting to go skydiving

But then we're two of a kind we move as one

But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits

But through all the fame teddy never forgot his very best friend john

But will you take care of me forever and ever

But you know thank you for creeping up my night

But you know they're hookers so it's fine

But you're no longer eight you're 35 years old

But, they're hookers, so it's fine.

By a very special Justice of the Peace.

By the power vested in me by the new york jets and by the united peoples of the planet mongo I now pronounce you man and wife

Can I just get a hug oh uh no

Can I please just explain no

Can I please just explain? No

Can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner

Can you call him back no it's blocked

Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me

Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?

Can you just email me the rest of this story

Candice? No.

Check this out that's me on the high school diving team we dove the shit out of that pool that year

Chill out okay look can we just talk about this what's your name i'm john

Chopped salad half price

Cocaine right

Come here you bastard

Come on buddy

Come on dudes don't tell me you never done it before

Come on I do not sound that much like peter griffin

Come on i'm bored as crap over here just swing by for a bit

Come on it's not that bad

Come on it's not that bad okay I got a shitty job and I assure you I am quite content

Come on james franco

Come on nobody's expecting anybody to propose I mean marriage isn't isn't love enough I submit that love is enough

Come on robert

Come on sam do it! do it!

Come on she'll go home she'll watch bridget jones something asshole she'll have a good cry she'll be fine you'll talk to her tomorrow

Come on take it easy

Come on upstairs

Come on we're going to the hatch shell

Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!

Come share this with me

Company's turning 20 huh so you can bang it but you can't get it drunk right yeah she gets it she enjoys my humor

Couple of brew stoyevskis

Cw!

Dad I want a teddy bear

Dad no!

Daddy gave me an ouch now I have to give you an ouch

Daddy!

Daddy!

Death to ming!

Death to Ming!

Death to ming! yes!

Did you did you just talk

Did you ever hear a boston girl have an orgasm 'oh yeah oh yeah! harder! harder!'

Did you get it no I didn't get it! tell me when you get it!

Did you hurt your head

Did you just call me a whore

Did you really just fart yeah but I pushed it that way with my hand I wonder who it's going to hit first

Do I dare look at the clock

Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game

Do you ever watch a bulls game chicago bulls game in chicago with tom skerritt no no you haven't all right

Do you ever watch this show yeah when leno guest hosts

Do you know what just happened do you have any clue my fucking life just ended!

Do you mind covering for me for a bit I might go lay down in the john

Do you see me fucking with you

Do you want to go get a drink after this I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die

Doing so much more

Don't ever lose her again she's the most important the most important part of your life even more than me

Don't fuck with me on this I know this shit!

Don't know her name. Seems cute

Don't look so surprised you're the one who wished for it aren't you

Don't talk shit to me

Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!

Don't! get it away from me!

Donny shut up will ya daddy's making love to new mommy

Donny was arrested by boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy

Down here not looking up your towel swear to god not looking up your towel not looking at your funny business

Dude I got 10 minutes where's flash gordon

Dude one man to another I got you on this

Eating potato salad off of Tami Lynn's bare bottom.

Ed thought I was alf and he kept muttering anti semitic comments he thought alf was ******* for some reason

Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti Semitic comments

Eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen

Every now and then when my life's getting me down and things are tough I just come up here and I look at it and it reminds me that things aren't so bad

Exactly right good okay

Exactly that's what i'm saying

Excuse me

Excuse me i'm sorry to bother you but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear

Fine it sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night

Fine john but this is I swear to god your last chance

First night on your own

Flash gordon is the symbol of our friendship john

Flash gordon quarterback new york jets

Flash! a ah! he'll save every one of us!

Flash! a ah! savior of the universe!

For like, five days

For that one, true friend that he could call his own.

For the Bruins game tomorrow night.

For what

For what (2)

For you I will

Free bubblegum in the bathrooms?

Fuck I can't! i'm with lori here i'm already on probation I just I can't

Fuck it bring it in come here bring it in you bastard come on

Fuck it fine

Fuck man!

Fuck shit sorry that's the thing from the the old yeah yeah

Fuck that I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift

Fuck you thunder you can suck my dick you can't get me thunder 'cause you're just god's farts

Fuck!

Fuck! (2)

Fuck! shit

Fucking becky no

Fucking cocksucker motherfucker!

Funny how it always goes with love when you don't look you find

Get closer

Get him!

Get out of here bennett get lost bennett! get out of here bennett! yeah bennett get lost

Get over here!

Give it a couple of hours you'll be golden ponyboy

Go ahead

Go away

Go go go!

Go on spark it up

Go take care of it let me know how she is thank you go

Go take columbus to herald and get on the expressway

Go to your hammock!

Go! go! go!

God is it bad

God johnny I got so much energy we better start doing stupid shit

God there are some fucked up fish out there

Good glad to hear it

Good good let's see how about we how about we play a little game of hide and seek

Good luck thank you

Good morning lori good morning

Goodbye rex

Got it

Great

Great fantastic

Great, we'll be right back. Come on, buddy

Great. Fantastic

Greatest night ever!

Greatest night ever!

Ha ha no just you homos

Half indian but thanks

Hang on!

Happy playtime

Have you ever considered selling the bear

Haven't you been here before

Having discovered at last that all they really needed was each other

He acknowledged it

He currently resides in burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate brandon routh

He knows he screwed up huge but you've got to believe me it wasn't all his fault

He said no he was going to stay there with you and I twisted his arm lori

He talks!

He taught us right from wrong good from evil and that the word acting apparently has an extremely broad definition

He was instantly promoted to store manager

He'll save with a mighty hand every man every woman every child with a mighty flash!

He's a bear

He's for every one of us! stands for everyone of us!

He's going to sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much

He's such an asshole out of control he's such a sleaze

He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence

He's waiting down at charlie's right now

Helen get my gun

Helen get my gun and call the police!

Hello

Hello 911 I need the police right away this guy took my teddy bear hello

Hello hello john hello

Hello teddy

Hello?

Helped me hang a garage door you ever hang a garage door with tom skerritt no no

Here it goes in the really important pocket for really important stuff okay okay

Hey

Hey anything for you

Hey buddies where is it hanging

Hey by the way don't let me forget you and I got to nail down a plan for the bruins game tomorrow night

Hey ellen yeah who's that over there

Hey greenbaum!

Hey guys anybody know a nice restaurant like something where they give out free bubblegum in the bathrooms

Hey guys can I play

Hey hey

Hey hey guy what's going on

Hey hey sweetie hey lori hi hi

Hey how are you holding up

Hey jared let's go grab another one of these

Hey johnny how about a beer

Hey johnny I just had a great idea let's go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass

Hey johnny what are you doing you want to come over and catch a buzz

Hey johnny! total t j hooker right yes! fucking a right!

Hey listen I want you to meet a good pal of mine all right

Hey lori can you set the alarm for 11 00 a m i've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow

Hey man you think you can open more than one register there's like 1000 people here

Hey sam this is the guy I was telling you about

Hey squirt how you doing where's your bunny rabbit

Hey ted

Hey ted (2)

Hey ted (3)

Hey there fella how are you

Hey there hey hi hi

Hey there sweaty

Hey well sounds like everything worked out then huh

Hey what's up you get in the club last night I didn't get in because the bouncer was douche face but I made friends in the line

Hey yes here's to four more years

Hey you walking home alone huh yeah do you need a lift

Hey, Greenbaum!

Hey, Johnny, how about a beer?

Hey! play chopsticks you jazzy slut

Hey! what did daddy just get you for your birthday huh a rake that's right an excellent rake a birthday rake so when you clean the yard you don't have to pick up the leaves with your hands

Hey.

Hi ted

Hi thomas how are you

Holy shit oh my god

Holy shit!

Holy shit! (2)

Holy shit! what

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

How about we play a little game of hide and seek?

How are the neighbors you know there's an asian family living next door but they don't have a gong or nothing so it's not too bad

How are you

How are you doing you fuzzy little asshole

How completely stupid that sounded

How great is this how the four of us out to dinner how long have we been saying we were going to

How was work

How we doing ace you coming down

How you doing good to meet you

How's work it sucks

How's your dickhead boss

Hug me

Huh meat hole what that's not right is it no

I actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend

I am not!

I am not!

I am so fake happy for her

I can offer you 6000 dollars in railroad bonds

I can see that

I cannot just ditch work man

I could have wound up like that asian kid at virginia tech but I didn't 'cause of him

I could sit here and tell you i'm sorry it was a huge misunderstanding and i'm ready to change but I don't think you want to hear any of that crap

I could totally see him just taking you down to the basement and really slowly de limbing you while singing some creepy victorian nursery rhyme

I didn't know you had a baby is it alive

I don't have to i'm a fucking teddy bear

I don't I look like snuggle's accountant

I don't know

I don't know but if it were me i'd be expecting a proposal

I don't know he just said he was in trouble

I don't know I dig chicks man

I don't know I got fucking wasted last night

I don't know I guess most guys wouldn't do that

I don't know I just wish he would get his life together our life and he can't and I swear to god it is because of that bear

I don't know that you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints

I don't know. He just said he was in trouble.

I don't know. I just wish he would get his life together.

I don't really know you but i'm trusting you as a man this is serious

I don't remember any of it I was so fucked up

I don't think so i'm i'm in trouble

I don't understand

I don't understand I really don't thirty five years old and you're still scared of a little thunder

I don't understand why you keep putting up with him

I don't want to work at a grocery store

I found my phone

I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children

I gave birth once bitch I could kick your fucking ass

I got it

I got the cheers dvd box set and the guy down at the store told me that everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews

I got to be on my own ted I can't see you anymore

I got to cut out for a bit

I got to fuck her again

I got to go

I got you motherfucker I got you okay

I got you something anyway in clear violation of the no gift rule

I got your back on this she won't know i've been there

I guess I didn't think about that

I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow up question

I guess santa paid attention to how good you were this year huh

I guess this is it huh

I guess we can't make small talk all day huh

I had it freeze dried and bronzed

I had to get some air

I have a boyfriend I have told you this yeah the guy with the bear

I have cool moves yeah so do people with parkinson's

I have given up a huge chunk of my life for you

I have no designs on your girlfriend we work together and that's it

I have so much teddy bear paperwork I have to get to it is sick

I have tickets to norah jones at the hatch shell tonight and I would love it if you would go with me

I have to say i've been following you ever since I was a young boy and I remember seeing you on the carson show you were just wonderful

I hear the fat kid running I hear the fat kid running I bet it's hilarious

I heard you got busted

I heard you got busted.

I just asked you a question

I just farted that was a man fart

I just thought we were saying funny names

I just wanted john and I to be friends

I know and we'll hang out all the time right all the time

I know done man right here in front of you all right

I know I didn't take our relationship seriously but lori I do love you more than life itself

I know I just don't know what to do here

I know I mean me and norah met back in 2002 at this event for this charity that we were both involved with

I know i'm not a talking teddy bear but at least you didn't have to make a magical wish to get me how do you know

I know I'm not a talking teddy bear,

I know it sucks but otherwise i'm going to lose her and I do love her ted

I know sir i'm sorry it wasn't my fault

I know that I don't think of him as an actor anymore he's just like a guy

I know what you did with ted wasn't easy and I just want you to know that I love you for it and I think it's a new beginning for our relationship

I know you do johnny

I know you will

I know you will all right

I know! you know it's like god wanted me to go skydiving you know jesus or jesus him too could be him yeah

I look stupid no you don't you look dapper

I love hide and seek i'll hide

I love you girls you know somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night

I love you I love you too

I love you I love you too (2)

I love you so much you won't be sorry I swear

I love you too

I love you too teddy

I love you!

I love you! (2)

I love you! (3)

I made you out to be a hero

I married the wrong woman and now I lead a life of regret

I mean he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot it's just a bonus that he's the hottest guy in boston

I mean I know exactly what i'm gonna order

I mean if we were together our babies would be spectacular

I mean when you think about it it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that

I mean, when you think about it,

I might be gay I don't know

I need I need to tell you something

I need to talk to you

I need to tell you something.

I owe that to you.

I realize that

I said a bad word one time daddy punished me for it

I saw lori leaving the apartment with rex

I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago

I thank you for saving every one of us

I think I need to clear the air here a little

I think it sucks i'm going to have a talk with him

I think those veneers just make it a smoother ride for me

I think we're very far apart on this

I think we're very far apart on this.

I think you're a great guy and she's a very lucky girl

I think you're being a little more fair to him

I thought that was just for people in florida

I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass

I thought you were going to be funnier

I told him to bail on you that night at rex's and he said no

I told you I can totally be a lawyer

I try to make duck dinner now plaster everywhere

I want it

I want to be fair to you and to him you know

I want to scare the shit out of somebody.

I want us to keep talking because I think that maybe

I want you to be happy you deserve that

I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend.

I was going to stop in for like five minutes and then flash gordon

I was going to stop in for like five minutes and then Flash Gordon...

I was not a popular child you have to understand I had no friends before he came along

I was the king of the '80s I was ted fucking danson

I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you and there he was picking her up

I went to new york once in 1981 and I just did not feel safe

I will kick you out in five john I have to kick you out

I will sir I promise

I won't dance

I'd call it more than a little treat

I'll help you get on your feet out there I promise

I'll just meet you upstairs then

I'll pick you up at 8 00

I'll tell you what I got your wife's pussy on my breath

I'm 35 years old and i'm going nowhere all I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fucking bear

I'm alive johnny!

I'm alive your magical wish worked!

I'm always fascinated to meet ted's girlfriends

I'm an asshole I know that it worked for me in high school and it's been a reflex ever since

I'm coming

I'm fine i'm fine I just didn't have time for breakfast and the garage was full

I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend

I'm going to name you teddy

I'm going to punch through it

I'm going to punch through it.

I'm going to show you something that I don't like to show people because I don't want them treating me differently

I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late today all right

I'm gonna pout at you until I get my way

I'm good i'm good

I'm good. I'm good.

I'm in trouble.

I'm just kidding you I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded

I'm just saying let them in yeah let them in

I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life

I'm never going to have a life with you around

I'm not an it pal i'm a he all right

I'm not gay I know and you're not gay so we're fine

I'm not going to let you down goose what top gun so tom skerritt

I'm not going to try to get you to take me back why would you i've been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years I don't deserve you

I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start

I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start.

I'm really glad that you came me too yeah

I'm serious john

I'm so sorry johnny so am I man

I'm so sorry you did everything you could i'm so sorry

I'm sorry little guy but my bear isn't for sale see i've had him since I was about your age he's very very special to me

I'm sorry mr bennett I didn't mean to scare anybody

I'm such a baby 'cause the dolphins make me cry

I'm trying to walk a line here

I've been bumming around with ted too much I know that too

I've been crapping out room for it for two days

I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

If I had to make a guess I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work to go to ted's now am I right

If it's okay with you I just want to say what I want to say

If there's no ski at the end of the root word then we would just be idiots saying nonsense

If you can cover for me i'm cool with all that other shit

If you can punch through this wall you really are flash gordon

If you think that by making shit like that up you're going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her you're out of your fucking mind

If you want to make some sort of arrangement here's my address and phone number and you can call me any time okay

Is he all mine daddy

Is it 9 30 yeah shit I got to get to work!

Is it a hugging gun

Is it okay if I kick your boss's ass that won't affect your workplace chemistry will it

Is that a flash gordon ray gun or are you just happy to see me

Is that cannibalism

Is that my ringtone oh yeah

It began in 1985 in a town just outside boston

It doesn't feel like four years does it no it doesn't

It doesn't sound very mellow

It doesn't sound very mellow

It doesn't work

It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes

It just seems kind of gay doesn't it I don't know maybe yeah

It should be right here somewhere

It was christmas eve and all the children were in high spirits

It was fine

It was fine.

It was in the handicapped stall so it was nicer than the regular stalls

It was pretty bad

It was you you did it

It works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 00 a m doesn't it

It'll be great when it's furnished

It's a miracle.

It's a special night we've been dating for four years

It's a special night. We've been dating for four years.

It's all right go go go i'll pull out of here

It's an old sweater huh

It's easy we just got to nail a lot of girls named stephanie

It's going to be all right

It's jesus' birthday tomorrow and you know what i'm gonna get him what my fist in your fucking face!

It's Lance Armstrong's nut

It's not even getting me high. I got to have a talk with my weed guy.

It's not that big of a deal

It's not that big of a deal

It's okay i'll drive you I feel fine

It's the truth i'm telling you

It's working for me

Jesus

Jesus christ!

Jesus christ! what the fuck man

Jesus fucking christ!

Jesus guy you look like shit man what happened

Jesus h fuck!

Jesus I am so sorry I didn't see you it was an accident

Jesus I look like the robot from aliens

Jesus this is weak it's not even getting me high I got to have a talk with my weed guy

Jesus you look fantastic

Jesus!

Jesus! lori was right

John

John (2)

John all you got to do is not fuck up and you get my job when I go to corporate next month you're the new branch manager

John and lori were married in cambridge by a very special justice of the peace

John became instantly attached to teddy

John bennett

John five minutes and then i'll kick you out I promise just come over

John flash gordon was the most important influence of our formative years

John get away from that thing get over here right now

John I hope that listen I don't want you to think that

John I look like something you give your kid when you tell him grandma died

John I need a man not a little boy with a teddy bear

John I need you out of the apartment tonight

John it's almost 10 00

John it's me can you hear me

John longed with all his heart

John longed with all his heart for that one true friend that he could call his own

John look don't you think after four years maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner

John picked the perfect night to make a wish.

John wait listen I love you!

John was just about the happiest boy in the world and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news

John we could do that again

John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years

John, we could do that again.

JOHN: It should be right here, somewhere.

JOHN: Shit!

John! may I speak with you please

John! May I speak with you, please?

John.

Johnny

Johnny i'm frightened

Johnny i'm i'm sorry

Johnny i'm sorry man that car just came out of nowhere

Johnny it's me

Johnny open the door please I want to talk

Johnny thank christ you made it

Johnny there you are p

Johnny where are you you got to get over here man

Johnny, there you are. I had to get some air.

Johnny!

Johnny!

Johnny! (2)

Just a man with a man's courage he knows nothing but a man but he can never fail

Just give me the car keys

Just give me the car keys

Just give me the car keys (2)

Just go out with me one time

Just go out with me one time and if you're miserable and you hate it then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again please

Just tell him you don't feel well

Just to be clear i'm not embarrassed

Language!

Lauren charlene chantal courtney misty jenny krista mindy noelle shelby trina reba cassandra

Let him try it man

Let me ask you something

Let me out of here you crazy bastard!

Let's all be best friends

Let's do some shots with you oh my god yes! oh my god yes! totally yes!

Let's give him a job maybe he'll give us a few laughs around the office

Let's go!

Let's go!

Let's see how well you know these streets

Liberty fast track skerritt john

Like something where they give out

Like we work we worked on my garage two months ago

Like what

Like, where are you from?

Listen I just want to say thank you

Listen if you're here to fight john's battles for him

Listen john and I may have our problems but at least he tried

Listen john there's something that I need to say to you too

Listen speaking of classy ciao bella is a really expensive restaurant

Listen to your father! come here!

Listen to yourself what am I emperor ming here controlling your mind that's your choice john

Listen why don't john and I go get a drink at the bar sure great we'll be right back come on buddy

Listen you got to let me help you make things right with you and lori

Listen, I don't want you to think that...

Listen, I just want to say thank you

Little john bennett

Look all i'm saying is that boston women are on the whole a paler uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life

Look at that one wasp y white guy fish

Look at the hair on my upper lip that's man hair

Look at these pecs these are man pecs

Look I don't know if I can drive!

Look I know it sucks okay but you've got to make some money so you can pay for an apartment

Look i'll be back in 30 minutes tops okay

Look i'm going to cut the shit here

Look i'm only saying this because I love you

Look i'm sorry I messed up

Look i'm trying to get my shit together and be an adult here for lori's sake

Look john loves you very much more than anything in the world and he's falling to fucking pieces without you

Look johnny if we're ever going to get serious about opening a restaurant we got to start planning it now italian italian yes

Look just let me talk first all right and then you can say whatever you want

Look lori you want him to be a man but as long as he's got his teddy bear he's always going to be a boy

Look that was a tough night for all of us

Look the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself

Look we're very interested in the bear

Look what jesus did! look what jesus did! look what jesus did!

Look you remember when you were 10 and you hit that squirrel with your bb gun and then when we saw it fall from the tree we both started crying you remember

Look, I know it sucks, okay?

Look, I'm only saying this because I love you.

Lori and I have been dating four years tomorrow I want to take her some place really nice

Lori and I may just need a little space right now

Lori ever fart in front of you yeah really yeah many times

Lori get the stuffing get it all

Lori hey you're home early

Lori how you doing I haven't talked to you in forever

Lori I lori! lori wait please

Lori I need to see you in my office

Lori i've wanted to give this to you for a long time

Lori look he's been my best friend since I was eight

Lori lori please I love you

Lori the worst that can happen is that you go on a fun casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk

Lori this is angelique heavenly cherene and sauvignon blanc

Lori tried to break up a dog fight and I guess she got hurt pretty bad

Lori was right about you

Lori what hey what are you doing here

Lori why don't you like me i'm rich i'm good looking my dad owns the company

Lori will you marry me

Lori,

Lori, please, I love you.

Lori!

Lori's a senior vp at a big huge pr firm

Making yourself look like a pussy.

Maybe a mike brew gaslowski

Maybe no to a snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt

Maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner?

Me and ted are going to be best friends daddy

Me it's not my fault she can't speak english

Merry christmas everybody

Michelob ultra tuscan orange g****fruit

Ming?

Mmm well that's how much I love you

Mom dad guess what my teddy bear's alive!

More importantly I was sam fucking mayday malone

Move sucker!

My buddy's in town with his cousin and who do you think is with him sam jones

My daughter better be alive you sick son of a bitch

My god america is imploding

My longest relationship was like six months and then she farted in her sleep i'm like i'm out of here man I was gone before she woke up

My name is wan ming ming

My phone says I texted someone at 3 15 asking them to beat me up and then at 4 30 I texted the same person saying 'thanks'

My relationship is at a very delicate stage you know

Mystery solved I guess right she was taking a shit

NARRATOR: It has been said that magic vanished from our world

NARRATOR: John became instantly attached to Teddy

NARRATOR: Now, if there's one thing you can be sure of,

Never mind take her to benihana

Nice good huh good job take pride in that

Nice! yeah

Nikki kelsey shawna jolene earline claudine savannah kasey dolly kendra carla chloe devon emmylou

No I can't do that that would devastate him

No I can't i'm taking lori to dinner

No I don't think a firefighter would do that

No I don't think she is

No I know this guy a long time i've known him since 911

No I think i'd rather just have you take me home

No I think it's only cannibalism if you swallow

No i'm fine i'm fine

No i'm good thank you

No it has to have a ski at the end of it otherwise where's the challenge

No it's fine

No john don't hang up! i'm in trouble

No john we can get her back

No look at me buddy I promise you're going to be okay

No lori's from pennsylvania that's not a boston girl

No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're corey feldman frankie muniz justin bieber or a talking teddy bear eventually nobody gives a shit

No mexicans though

No mom he's really alive look

No no

No no and it kills me to have to tell you no because i'm a people pleaser

No no I wished for my life back

No no i'm a special case i'm a i'm a talking teddy bear for christ's sake

No no it's from the notebook

No no no four years we've been going out i'm taking you to the best place in town

No no no what I meant to say was ted's very handsome so i'm always interested in meeting the lady that can snatch him up

No not really feeling up to it

No one but the pure in heart can find the golden grail

No peeking now or you'll get kid cancer

No that doesn't work don't ruin it no

No that's a weird fucking question no just start counting

No that's not what she meant at all right lori lori you didn't mean that

No way that's awesome! yeah

No! you can never cook with that hand again! you have to learn to cook left handed

No! you can't have my teddy bear!

Nobody's ever talked to me like that before

Norah jones hi norah jones

Not a bad life is it no

Not long afterward he fell into a deep depression and died of lou gehrig's disease

Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression

Not recently no

Nothin' I can do i've been lookin' for a girl like you

Now hang on a sec there your dad likes you to show good manners right tubby mcfat fuck

Now I know we said no gifts but

Now if there's one thing you can be sure of it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish except an apache helicopter

Now if you look close you can see the outline of my root

Now it's real now it's a real thing

Now let me out of here! I am a citizen of the united states of america and I have rights!

Now my phone fell under the seat somewhere can you call it yeah

Now my phone fell under the seat somewhere.

Now ted you belong to robert now okay you do as he says

Now, hang on a sec, there.

Now, I'm going to give my chops a rest

Octopussy.

Of course I do johnny

Of course. **** are welcome

Oh

Oh and that's right my boyfriend can't sleep through a thunderstorm without his teddy bear

Oh and you can

Oh check this out it's lance armstrong's nut I had it freeze dried and bronzed

Oh come on

Oh fuck me nice

Oh fuck that! it's been four years johnny

Oh fuck you! just because you're on the business world and shit you think what everybody should suck your asshole or something

Oh god I am so sorry

Oh god that was so good! now i'm going to stuff my fucking face with pepperidge farm!

Oh god! ah what

Oh hey listen try this I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that

Oh i'm all right i'm just getting used to things that's all

Oh i'm okay if I get ****d it'll be my fault for what i'm wearing

Oh jeez here we go

Oh jesus

Oh jesus!

Oh look at this guy

Oh man here let me get you some ice

Oh man!

Oh man! (2)

Oh my god

Oh my god (2)

Oh my god (3)

Oh my god I got some on my thumb!

Oh my god!

Oh my god! (2)

Oh my god! (3)

Oh my god! (4)

Oh my god! (5)

Oh my god! (6)

Oh my god! are you okay

Oh my god! he's going to jump!

Oh my god! it's a miracle it's a christmas miracle

Oh my god! this house is fucking huge! I know try not to get lost come on in

Oh my god! yes! he did it!

Oh my little sixpence my pretty little sixpence I love my sixpence better than my life

Oh no that was at work

Oh shit hang on a second

Oh shit!

Oh thank you thanks

Oh this is so gross!

Oh this is work I swear

Oh turkey burgers! are we having homosexuals over for dinner tonight

Oh wait i'm sorry that was 150 years ago and I don't give a shit

Oh where are my manners

Oh whoa whoa whoa whoa I love this part right here

Oh yeah chris brown can do no wrong

Oh yeah no! don't worry about that because I don't swallow

Oh yeah so I guess we both lost our furry little guy we sure did

Oh yeah that was a weird interview

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! He's going to jump! Get closer.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were playing truth or dare

Oh! okay that was perfect

Okay all right so that's where we'll draw the line

Okay all right tami come on honey let's get out of here

Okay be there in a second baby

Okay come on

Okay get ready

Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me

Okay how do you remember it

Okay now you count to 100 and then you try to find me okay

Okay so i'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment and john sam jones is here

Okay so if you need anything

Okay take it easy nice lori real nice

Okay you hide first

Okay you're fired no i'm not

Okay, take it easy. Nice, Lori, real nice

Okay.

Okay. You okay there, sweetheart?

One afternoon ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of tami lynn's bare bottom

One drink come on

One drink. Come on

One two three four five six seven

One two three! yeah!

Ooh! cristal

Out of a boston suburb comes what is without a doubt the most incredible story

Ow! fuck! cocksucker! fucking stop! fuck!

Ow! I hate that word!

Perhaps a tedy brew ski

Please

Please give a big hand to john bennett

Please play nice

Plus a hooker took a shit in our apartment

Plus you are a huge catch and it's about time someone treated you that way

Probably, yes

Pudding hole is that what they say no it can't be that either right

****!

Really 'cause that's not what I heard

Really well isn't that exciting

Really well you know I don't have to be at work for another 20 minutes

Really yeah

Really? Yeah

RECORDED TOY VOICE: I love you!

Remember brandon routh from that god awful superman movie

Remember she was crouched over in the corner for a really long time I thought she was just making a phone call or something

Rex I don't think it's smart

Rex I got to go

Rex I have a lot of work I need to get to

Rex is fine he only hit on me once today so it's a good thing

Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of lori

REX: That was insane.

Right johnny I say that

Robert got a trainer lost a substantial amount of weight and went on to become taylor lautner

Robert seatbelt

Sam jones flash fucking gordon is here

Sam jones is here and john his hair is parted down the middle just like in the movie

Sam jones moved back to hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career

Sam let him go

Say that one more time

Screw you pal I belong to john bennett

See I was all pissed off 'cause me and my friend danielle was supposed to go skydiving last year

See that's why I watch these things that's like a cool behind the scenes thing that you wouldn't know

See the fact that you have to say they're not that bad means that they are that bad

See there proof garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits

See you later

Seriously though that was an outstanding blowjob

She seemed like she was hopped up on something but you know

She's making you do it isn't she

She's making you do it, isn't she?

She's your thunder buddy now she's

She's...

Shit

Shit

Shit (2)

Shit!

Shit! (2)

Shit! (3)

Shit! Yes!

Shit! yes!

Should I sit yeah if you want okay

Show us how flash

Show us how, Flash.

Shut up

Sir and madam here is your dessert and champagne

So bad but so good

So I know what you're going through

So I know what you're going through

So if I told him once I told him a million times these numbers do not add up

So if you go down there and just talk to him i'll be gone when you get back forever

So if you just give him one more chance I promise I will leave and i'll never come back all right he'll be all yours

So it's funny that that didn't come up that must have slipped through the cracks

So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me

So talk to me johnny quest how are things with you and lori

So tami lynn why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself like where are you from

So we can give ourselves a chance without him

So we can go anywhere else tomorrow I really don't care as long as we're together

So we can move on with our lives.

So where are john and teddy today

So why are we talking about it

So why mention it no one will

So word through the g****vine is that you're newly solo

So work's good everything good there

So you know i'm not that psyched to just like kick him out

So you think you got what it takes

So, Tami Lynn,

So, we can go anywhere else tomorrow.

So, where are John and Teddy today?

So?

Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid.

Someone call an ambulance!

Sometimes I think back to that christmas morning when I was eight years old I wish I had just gotten a teddy ruxpin

Sometimes you don't

Sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't

Son of a bitch! you wished for my life back

Sorry

Sorry (2)

Sorry look johnny I know you're pissed all right but just listen to me for five seconds

Sorry somebody had to go joan crawford on that kid come on

Sorry sorry

Sorry sorry does it hurt

Sorry you really shouldn't swear in front of children

Sorry.

Sounds good to me

Stand up straight when you're talking to me

Stay here just stay there!

Stay with them

Stick your finger in the loop of my tag

Still better than katy perry

Stop it! fuck! why you got to take it to that place you took it to a very

Submitted here is the story of a little boy and a magical christmas wish that changed his life forever

Sure

Take it easy

Ted

Ted and tami lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time

Ted hello ted

Ted listen I got to call you back

Ted that's a really nice offer but I don't want you to do that

Ted we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it cpr it died

Ted what are you doing here

Ted you got to move out what it's got to happen

Ted you mean everything to me and so does lori

Ted you've arrived at a lucky time it's almost robert's play hour

TED: Take it easy

TED: Yeah, see, there's the guy.

Ted!

Ted! (2)

Ted! (3)

Ted?

Teddy come on we're going to be late for dinner with your friends

Teddy rux fucking pin!

Teddy teddy teddy

Teddy yeah john do you promise we'll always be together I promise

Teddy!

Teddy!

Teddy?

Teddy?

Than falling

Thank you anything

Thank you for being so honest

Thank you for choosing liberty drive safely

Thank you i'll be back

Thank you now i'm going to give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage

Thank you rex thank you

Thank you sir

Thanks flash

Thanks for coming by.

Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us

Thanks so much for coming

Thanks thanks so much

Thanks we're going to take a short break but we'll be back in a few

Thanks, Flash

That guy from your office is in there on the couch making out with that van wilder looking guy

That made him feel as if he finally had a friend

That one boy in every neighborhood who just has a tough time making friends

That special time of year

That special time of year when boston children gather together and beat up the ******* kids

That took guts we need guts i'm promoting you

That was insane did you see the way the guy's body hit the ground he was like a ragdoll

That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box

That's a good one

That's a good one.

That's a great story I felt like I was there

That's a nice fucking example you're setting

That's bullshit what about lori she's hot

That's good I guess

That's good, I guess

That's great that is great

That's lucky yeah it is

That's me and tom skerritt

That's my bad I was sending a tweet

That's my buddy johnny not the lobster the guy running it

That's not how I remember it

That's pretty much it thanks for coming by

That's the new checkout girl don't know her name seems cute

The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded

The company's having their 20th anniversary party next week so that's something

The ladies and I were just watching jack and jill adam sandler plays a guy and his sister and it's just awful it's unwatchable

The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill.

The name has to have a ski at the end of it and you just put brewski at the end of martina navratilova so

The thunder can't get us right nope we're thunder buddies and the thunder knows it we're totally safe

The thunder can't get us, right?

There he is pull over

There is a shit on my floor in the corner there is a shit!

There is a shit on my floor!

There she is I was worried you weren't coming

There she is. I was worried you weren't coming.

There was something about that bear

There was something about that bear that made him feel as if he finally had a friend with whom he could share his deepest secrets

There we go thank you very much please come again we have a lot more groceries

There you go my friend thank you

There you go you got it

There's no putting things right she fucking hates me

There's supposed to be three registers open for god's sakes

These boxing gloves were worn by joe louis in his first fight

These were john lennon's glasses they're worth like a million dollars

They found the missing hikers they did yeah what happened

They got me that freaky guy from the park and that kid who I think is his son but may also be his lover I don't know

They might make an exception 'cause they'd be all like oh my god! this bear's so cool he can talk and do stuff

They said they got separated and one of them had his foot stuck under a rock for like five days

They were going to the hatch shell

They're not that bad

Things are great actually

Things are great, actually

This bullshit! this all bullshit!

This house is unbelievable

This is all part of the new grown up adult john bennett so you better get used to him

This is art get it

This is between john and me and I don't think it can be fixed

This is going to take some doing I think

This is how everybody sang in the '90s

This is how the cast of diff'rent strokes feels all day every day just awful they must feel awful the live ones must feel awful

This is jared he's the guy who beat me up and we're in love

This is the american fantasy right here

This is the first time that you've been single in all the years you've worked here

This is the most disgusting thing ever!

This is the theme song from the movie octopussy

This is wade boggs' autographed bat I just barely outbid phil donahue for that at auction

This place is a wreck who are these girls

This song always reminds me of the most important night of my life the night we met

This song is so great

This song is so great.

This wonderful charity actually for kids who'd been fucked by a family member

Those are the ones you like right from that kiosk at the mall yeah

Thunder buddies for life

Thunder buddies for life remember

Thunder buddies for life right johnny fucking right all right come on let's sing the thunder song all right

To step up and change such a huge part of your life just to make your girlfriend happier

To those who have lost the wondrous vision of childhood eyes

Tom brady could do that tom brady could do that!

Tom Skerritt

Trust me I can do this

Trust me I love you

Try and be a little more responsible tomorrow

Turns out i'm gay or whatever I had no idea

Turns out I'm gay, or whatever

Uh hi my name is john bennett and this is for lori collins

Uh huh

Uh huh and if I don't get the job are we still going to smoke that pot probably yes

Uh huh okay all right good talk coach thanks

Uh i'm not sure it's

Um let me see what's the best way to answer that

Up the dog's ass right

Wait a second

Wait was it any one of those names with a lynn after it

Was there cocaine on the set of cheers

We are going to party like the '80s

We got to get you a job

We had no such rule

We have to go now yeah good idea

We said no such thing

We tried to make do with other teddy bears but none of them were you ted

We watched a movie on the little tv in the diner name that movie octopussy

We were together for eight months and I really loved him

We'll go back to my place for a couple of vodka and strawberry quiks

We're an all time high

We're going to die we're all going to die

We're sorry it was an accident okay

Welcome back ted

Well as it does every year christmas morning finally came

Well as it turned out john picked the perfect night to make a wish

Well do you think you're part of some gay beat up underworld like one of those gay beat up clubs or something

Well he only had three other batches gorilla panic they're coming they're coming and something called this is permanent

Well hello there sorry if i'm interrupting any private girl talk about channing tatum's index finger

Well here I am

Well I am a former celebrity in a minimum wage job

Well I could probably stop by after work

Well I think we've had a wonderful christmas this year one of the best

Well i'm not a hot half muslim chick who sold 37 million records but i'm hanging in there

Well it wasn't long before the story of john's little miracle was sweeping the nation

Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates

Well it's not true okay i'm a fucking classy broad yeah

Well let me put it this way

Well most guys don't have you to motivate them

Well my big strong husband works so hard all year I figured you deserved a little christmas treat

Well that's good to hear yeah

Well that's it's a factor

Well that's perfect because i'm only going to need one

Well we should fucking double date or something you me and lori and what's her name

Well we've been dating four years tomorrow

Well you know since I just returned from active duty in the civil war that actually sounds very appealing

Well you never should have trusted me i'm on drugs

Well you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed

Well you're welcome

Well, as it does every year, Christmas morning finally came.

Well, as it turned out,

Well, here I am

Well, I could probably stop by after work

Well, most guys don't have you to motivate them

What

What (2)

What (3)

What (4)

What (5)

What a cunt

What are you doing here?

What are you like five years old yeah but I read at a six year old level so

What are your favorite television shows um I like gimme a break

What did I do

What do I tell thomas

What do you got there turkey burgers

What do you mean

What do you mean (2)

What do you mean girlfriends was there like a lot of them or something

What do you mean what kind of trouble

What excuse me

What i'm acting like a cock yes you are

What is it

What is it 'cause it sounds negative

What is it it's called mind **** it's actually pretty mellow

What is that what is what

What is what?

What that word it's so sharp it's like an electric sword slashing everything in its path why would you say that

What the fuck

What the fuck (2)

What the hell

What the hell happened we're having a friendly meal here yeah! this was a nice evening

What the hell is this

What the hell you problem

What was your other question oh yeah was I popular are there naked dicks in gay porn

What?

What's going on is that a shit

What's that?

What's the matter is he okay

What's the special on tuesdays eggplant parm

When Boston children gather together

When you don't look, you find

When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words

Where

Where are you going taking a cab i'm going home

Where is he

Where is he (2)

Where is he?

Where?

Where's my ring motherfucker put it on my fuzzy finger you fuck! come on!

White trash name guess mandy no marilyn no britney no tiffany no candice no

Who are you

Who did this to us god damn it! i'm here on business!

Who lives here i'm coming to get whoever lives here you owe me lobster money

Who was that guy that was sinead o'connor she don't look so good no more

Whoa whoa slow down where are you

Whoa whoa! stop stop! that's them turn around!

Whoa!

Whoa! whoa!

Whoa! whoa! whoa!

Whoever this is it's not a good time

Why are we talking about it?

Why are you crying my dick is squished by the tv

Why even bring that up

Why the fuck would he say that

Why what's going on

Why where did you sleep with him here oh

Why would jesus want that

Will do

With my top of the pyramid caucasian genes and your splash of dark beautiful smoky

Woody harrelson smallest dick i've ever seen on a man

Would you like me to wrap your leftovers

Wow

Wow cool yeah cool

Wow goddamn right wow

Wow you can really move

Wow!

Wow! (JOHN'S DAD CHUCKLES)

Wow! here are the ladies look at you guys you guys look amazing

Wow. Mmm.

Yeah

Yeah and the guy said it ain't hardly had no murders in it so that's good

Yeah as you can see you've been a part of our family for quite some time welcome home

Yeah because of me!

Yeah but we do talk about you all the time

Yeah but what about thunder buddies for life johnny

Yeah but you have no skills

Yeah dad I made a wish last night that teddy was alive and my wish came true

Yeah first night in my beautiful new apartment

Yeah fuck yeah flash!

Yeah I did wish for it

Yeah I don't feel so good

Yeah I know don't worry johnny i'll be fine

Yeah I mean rex is having a house party but i'm surprised john didn't tell you considering you two have seen each other every single day since you moved out

Yeah I mean the guy's 35 and he's working for a rental car service

Yeah I mean when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places so i'm a little fucked up

Yeah I want to play a game

Yeah i'd rather just not talk about it

Yeah i'll be right there

Yeah i'm donny this is robert

Yeah i'm guessing you guys don't have a ps3 i'm guessing you're more of a wooden horse with a wig kind of family

Yeah i'm kind of a fun time boss and what not but look man I do that with everybody at the office i'm a kook

Yeah it does

Yeah it's a study in contrasts

Yeah it's kind of funny actually I got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house

Yeah me too

Yeah my head hurts a lot

Yeah no yeah no yeah

Yeah see there's the guy

Yeah she's I mean that's the way she is she sees trouble and she wants to help out

Yeah she's pretty shook up

Yeah the thing is rex I have a lot of work I need to get to

Yeah up the dog's not the fireman's ass

Yeah very cute do you know what i'd like to do to her something I call a dirty fozzie

Yeah wait what do you mean

Yeah whatever thanks for 911

Yeah yeah I guess so

Yeah yeah no I was I was beloved

Yeah yeah she's passed out in the bathroom now

Yeah yeah there was a there was cocaine on the set but it was the '80s man you know

Yeah yeah work's good

Yeah you know i'm pretty happy where I am I just got a shitty new apartment

Yeah you remember the other day I was saying how great lori's hair always looks oh my god it always looks so great! I just always want to fucking brush it

Yeah, but I pushed it that way with my hand

Yeah, but we do talk about you all the time

Yeah, cool

Yeah. I did wish for it.

Yeah. Yeah, work's good.

Yes

Yes

Yes but that doesn't mean we can't hang out we'll hang out all the time

Yes get over here right now

Yes he is my little winner yes he is

Yes ma'am thank you for the opportunity miss ma'am jones thank you

Yes you are my little chipmunk

Yes!

You

You and me have been together for 27 years where's my ring where's my ring asshole

You and me we come from different worlds

You are so disgusting and I love you

You asshole!

You better follow me come on

You break my wall! I break you wall!

You break my wall! I break you wall!

You break my wall! this my home long time you break my wall you bastard men

You can do any '90s song with just vowels a e I o u

You can put the ring in her ass let her fart it out

You can thank ted

You can thank Ted

You can't stand there and tell me that you haven't always seen lori as a threat to our friendship

You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life

You coming down?

You crazy! you crazy man!

You crazy! You crazy, man!

You didn't exactly stand up for me

You don't bring it up you just let them in

You don't bring it up, you just let them in

You don't think she's going to be expecting something big do you what like anal no like a fucking circular gold thing on her finger

You ever go miniature golfing with tom skerritt's wife and her kid no you haven't

You f ing a hole

You get the job we're celebrating after okay

You give me one more chance I promise I can fix it

You got a lot of problems don't you

You guys did it in the office yeah where in the men's room

You guys have been going out for four years

You guys know lori and jim right

You guys remember john women hi

You guys remember John. WOMEN: Hi.

You had sexual intercourse with a co worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public

You italian no why

You just worry about your own "snatch

You just worry about your own snatch how about that honey

You kind of just reworded my joke but uh ha ha ha

You know he's exactly who you want him to be he is he is a man we can all model ourselves after

You know I have written so many angry letters to hasbro about that

You know I wish you could really talk to me because then we could be best friends forever and ever

You know if your leg got trapped under a rock i'd chew it off to get you free

You know it's funny because whenever johnny and I hang out the first item on our agenda is what's going on with lori

You know lori someday there's going to be a ring in there but I want to wait until I get you something really special I just don't have the money right now

You know lori would hate me for saying this but she told me how you are at the office

You know not bad actually I met a girl she's a cashier

You know robert and I could give you a very very good home

You know sam there's only one way to end a perfect day what's that flash jump right

You know something I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend

You know ted when I was a little boy I saw you on television and I thought you were the most amazing most wonderful thing i'd ever seen ever

You know this place looks great thanks man it's all ikea did the whole place for 47 dollars

You know what fuck you I don't even want to talk to you

You know what get out of here

You know what I don't feel like talking to you about this

You know what I think I too want a martina navrati brewski

You know what john we asked ted to move out so we can give ourselves a chance without him

You know what my favorite thing about you is that even after four years you can still surprise me

You know what stick your fucking asshole right up your fucking ass how about that

You know what that's probably what dierdre was doing over there

You know what you're acting like a cock you know that

You know when you and rex were

You know you guys it's really not about that I don't care about that I mean i'd love him if he was a janitor

You know you guys seem pretty cool you like to party

You know you had no business being out on that dance floor but i'm really happy that you were

You know you're a freaking snob you think you're cool because you work at some fucking fancy shit place whatever

You know your boss called this morning asking me how my arm was yeah because of that dog fight that I tried to break up

You know, if your leg got trapped under a rock

You know, Ted, when I was a little boy,

You know, your boss called this morning asking me how my arm was

You like that huh check this shit out

You like to laugh at me when I look at other girls

You make me happy

You may kiss the bride johnny

You mean we get to be best friends for real for real forever and ever

You okay there sweetheart you look a little flustered

You owe me lobster money.

You pay for wall!

You pay many dollar for wall!

You promised me this was about work

You put us in quite a pickle here

You ready to bring down the house

You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with sam jones

You remember I was like oh shit 911 I got to get high

You remember that night after the club we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5 00 a m

You should give him an ultimatum it's you or the bear

You son of a bitch!

You suck get off the stage! oh come on give him a chance

You think you're just going to get away with a kidnapping

You took it to a very... Now it's real. Now it's a real thing

You want a xanax

You were just wonderful.

You were right

You would I sure would

You you are a you surprise me for some reason I thought you were going to be taller

You, me and Lori, and what's her name?

You?

You'll kick me out in five

You're an asshole!

You're asking me out a week after I broke up with somebody

You're back!

You're back!

You're fucking unbelievable you know that how stupid do you think I am

You're going to be okay buddy do you understand you're going to be fine

You're hired

You're just like the baby jesus

You're lucky i'm in my fucking restaurant clothes bitch 'cause i'd kick your fucking ass right now

You're mine ted!

You're my best friend john

You're not a very polite guest are you

You're not giving anything a chance if you keep blowing off work to get high with your teddy bear

You're not going to have any sort of career

You're not going to have any sort of career if you keep wasting time with ted

You're not very tolerant huh

You're right i've been getting stoned too much I know that

You're talking about it

...the most important part of your life.

"Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange G****fruit

(ALL CHEERING)

(arguing in japanese slaps her face)

(audience cheering)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(beer bottle breaking)

(beer bottle tinkling)

(brakes screeching)

(car parking)

(car starting)

(CHUCKLES)

(COUGHING)

(coughing)

(COUGHS)

(coughs)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

(farting) finally

(fighting throwing punches)

(fighting throwing punches) (2)

(gasps) baby! gold star

(GASPS) Ooh!

(GIGGLES)

(glasses cracking)

(GROANING)

(groans)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GUESTS CHEERING)

(HONKING)

(john roars)

(LAUGHS)

(METAL SCRAPING)

(metal scraping)

(PANTING)

(panting)

(PLASTER SMASHING) Oh, my God!

(raining)

(raining) (2)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(SINGING)

(SINGING)

(SOBBING)

(speaking japanese)

(SQUAWKING)

(ted laughs)

(ted laughs) (2)

(ted screams)

(ted yelling)

(teddy exclaiming fearfully)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(thunder crashes loudly)

(THUNDER CRASHES LOUDLY)

(thunder crashing)

(thunder crashing) (2)

(THUNDER CRASHING) (SCREAMS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(tv audience laughing)

(tv audience laughing) (2)

(water bubbling)

(woman moaning)

(woman screaming)