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Home > Alan Partridge's Audiobook Two Zero...
A B&B owner was, by definition a customer facing role. But try telling that to the nervous nellies who run today's guest houses and only speak from behind locked doors or lobby in chippy responses ...
A foot wound has opened up again after snagging on a sharp stick. The thin plastic skin of my carrier bag shoe no match for its jaggedness, and As for bread, well, it's been beaten so thin by my bo...
A radio station is a piece of precision engineering. It's like a Swiss watch or a Segway. Its equilibrium is delicate. You can't remove a cog here or a wheel there, or a DJ over there without causi...
A salutary lesson when Phillip Schofield got that this morning job giving his career a shot in the arm like a doctor might give a convulsing junkie who's got a shit career he wanted to shout it fro...
A staggeringly tedious exchange during which eye Godfrey let her down, gently promising to remember her always, and paid her back 2 grand from my own money purely to spare me the grief of having a ...
A suggestion of nakedness is I concede harder to explain. Unlike certain adult only swimming pools in Germany and Scotland, bathing without trunks is prohibited in England and I for one take great ...
Absolute tit of an airport. No. Gatwick is the place to be a take a moment to look at the transport hub that surrounds me. I don't just drink in its beauty. I actually feel like I eat it too.
Acknowledgements: On this occasion there is no one I wish to acknowledge. Thank you.
Adding that it's more George Clooney than George Lazenby. Everyone laughs, but I once shared a pillow with George Lazenby and don't.
Admittedly, I do wave at them occasionally, but that's primarily a health and safety thing to ensure that they don't get in my way. And while my moonwalk does elicit a cheer, I only really do it to...
Admittedly, it's a moment that would have had more significance if my father had passed this way, but there's no Rd crossing here, so he would have used the Dartford Tunnel a few clicks West. As fo...
Advertising sales team.
After lunch, I'll put The Dirty crockery back onto the tray and leave it outside the front door for my assistant to collect.
After this nightmare on Elm Dr, although it isn't really a nightmare, it's absolutely fine. I make my way to the Tudor something hotel and sleep the sleep of the just.
Ah, just the man. He says. I walk on loving the deadly sins chat Alan but Pizza Hut have been on asking if you can paint gluttony in a more positive light as its central to their business model and...
Alan
Alan Partridge August 2016.
Alan Partridge Nomad by Alan Partridge. Read by Alan Partridge.
Alan, I feel my name being whispered down the wind, as if his spirit is speaking with me, Allan.
Alan, I'm not worried about the sponsors.
Alan, it's none of that. You just haven't got the leave. But this time he's looking shifty and makes a hasty exit. He claims he has a meeting to go to, even though both he and I know he's just goin...
All I'll say is Michael. If you are out there, send me a sign. Maybe we could meet and talk about armoured vehicles. Yes, I should like that very much.
All right, you might say it doesn't happen now, but it used to and fair enough, it did used to. But what people fail to recognize is that East Anglia is in a remote part of the country. There's ver...
All that remains is for me to ask him to swear on his mother's life, that the candle will remain lit for the entire duration of my walk, and I am on my way.
All the while discussing potential competition ideas for mid morning matters, the digital radio show that keeps me both happy and fulfilled and content.
Also in the box is a letter from BNFL expressing its regret that since my father had failed to attend the interview, his application would be taken no further.
Although I have my assistant plot 5 routes and then I choose my favorite.
Although they share many of the same conservative values, swallow and Flint are too pigheaded to see this, and they're superficially different traits mean they're doomed to dislike each other, even...
Always hurting those he gets too close to.
An item of clothing I could no longer stand annoying as I used to wear a plastic rain poncho at the Goodwood Revival festival to protect my suit.
And a kick in the cock there, smiling at me was Edmunds.
And although it's less funky, the incessant dumb dumb dumb dumb distracts me from my fatigue.
And as I sat off South along Ipswich Road, the automobiles of Norwich are in particularly fine voice. The pleasing Tink Tink of a Ford cougar, the playful Doo Doo of a Fiat Punto, the throaty Merp ...
And by lunchtime I've raised over 60 pounds for a power source that will surely play a key role in our nation's future energy mix.
And causing pandemonium, and it would be pandemonium never fails to raise a smile.
And gave her one of the best handshakes she'd ever had.
And he had the nerve to suggest I should be trying to resurrect that Harvey Kennedy. Dale Huff she proffers I know like I'm going to take the advice off any Tom, Dick and Harry. I mean, what am I g...
And he looks far over my shoulder, as if visualizing a lucrative and mutually successful future. I look at him nodding. Yes, he continues. You should definitely do it.
And here I am, in the hallway of a woman who claims to be utterly oblivious to my career, yet has a photographic shrine to my broadcasting nemesis.
And I tell him that if I were 20 years younger, I'd definitely have tried to pitch it. But after Harvey let me down and the whole backshall mess, no, I tell him I have different priorities these da...
And if that thirst for besting those who have wronged me does return at any stage during my walk, then that's fine too, because Needless to say, I'll have the last laugh.
And it's working.
And late that night it comes to a head.
And like most people who don't read the Guardian, I'd happily pick up a 12 bore shotgun to help control population numbers.
And not blinking, which proves it's the truth.
And now here I am in a park going nowhere. I'm going absolutely no. He silences me by putting his fingers to my lips, a smell of cigarettes and beef crisps. No where he says shaking his head sounds...
And now I think about it. I realized my father had never been the same after this day.
And now the kaleidoscopes been shaken. He says the pieces are in flux. I'll get that it's disorientating.
And one thing I don't have is the luxury of time. Having spoken to my doctor, it isn't hard to read between the lines. Get into QPC and the next two weeks or the walk to Dungeness will surely surel...
And promised myself I would develop a workout that would keep me in good shape forever and which I could pass on to others footnote.
And respectful manner.
And see no need to spend my training time as I know Dan does trying to develop PECS as big as tits. No, my own training will focus on stamina, not strength.
And shaggydog, it had to be my left. Didn't it ignore the film of the same name because my left foot is the real story here? Several years ago I pierced this foot on a spike whilst hurdling some ra...
And she nodded.
And silence.
And sure enough, a few minutes later she texts me 302 Elm, Dr. Pinner, Middlesex, Asterix X.
And that is exactly what happened, with the exception of the butterfly bit, which didn't. The closest North Norfolk digital has ever had to its own butterfly was a moth infestation above a ceiling ...
And that is she? Or isn't she footnote cremated storyline will run in the background of the series.
And that was merely the beginning. In 1991, the Radio Times had a big bash to celebrate the deregulation of TV listings, which meant that for the first time, the popular TELEMAC could publish listi...
And that's breakfast bar a brief incident that's not relevant to the journey, although if you must know, I spotted a waitress there fell in love with her utterly and love stayed in the cafe most of...
And the full sentence pray silence, for I will now walk in the footsteps of my father.
And the type Lycra shorts and matching white leather weight lifters gloves. The powerfully nosed twosome pushed themselves to the limits while one lifts the other spots. His partner in Latin tempte...
And then back on the road I hide my rucksack. Content in a hedge and send instructions to my assistant to come and collect them and then hand them to FedEx.
And then I begin to walk. I will walk to this just 15 miles away.
And then I had a brain wave scrolling through my mental rolodex. I came to a stop at the name of 1 Tony Cloak. Tony and I go way back and had been friends until as recently as the 8th of June 2013 ...
And then I see it.
And then sandwiches.
And there they were suggestively waggling truncheons both types in my face as I sat in my hired finery.
And this is where Partridge comes in. I bumped into Michael at the bar one night. He was collecting ashtrays, then trying to use the discarded butts to make a super fag, a composite of other people...
And though it would seem to go against the grain of the pairs dynamic as written, mother was certain that Watson was the dominant 1. Not that Holmes minded far from it naked save for his dear stalk...
And while I don't run through all of these details with the landlady over breakfast, I do suggest that since I've only had half a night's sleep, perhaps you'd like to charge me half a night's rate....
And while most monkeys die within 24 hours of entering the wild, that doesn't matter because I was only using this as a metaphor. So just relax and enjoy the liberation of intonation or intonation ...
And why not Partridge? He smiles, I smile and explain that yes for a while, honouring my father and making a television programme about it had been a flight of fancy. I'd indulged. And yes, I'd gon...
And with that, a thought suddenly erupted in my mind. Like one of those geezers that smells of Trump's footnote. It's at this moment that I realize I have actually trumped an unpleasant habit. I'm ...
And with that, he ran, darting this way and that as bullets zipped and fussed and tum tuned and patawad past him, each missing by millimetres at the most, rounding a corner, he saw sidekick Simon u...
And with that, it's time to head to arrivals Harvey's plane from Nice isn't due until 8:00 PM. But I want to be there for six because it's quite windy today and I know that can reduce flight times....
Another nasal exhalation, I feel like sliding a harmonica on the desk in front of him to see if he plays it remotely with his nose.
Another time he skittered into a gravelly car park which fired fragments of shale in the direction of my car. None of it hits. Thank God, but I was and am furious with him.
Anthrax
Anyway, it's now left to paranoid of Nigerian scammers and the money transfer industry in general.
Anyway, the day consists of me walking again and trying to convince my assistant to wire some money to me, which I would collect in a branch of Western Union. She hangs up on me several times, conv...
Anyway, this carries on for a while until I realise something Brian isn't breathing.
Are yelling continues until I answer the door to find her on her knees shouting through the letterbox like a gynecologist bellowing into a woman.
Around the diminutive bird Aholic has packed himself off in a Dorset bound cab that will cost him £200. I know he doesn't have.
Art fans, if any, should take a trip to Holcomb Hall where the Earl's collection of paintings attracts visitors from far and wide and high. Don't forget to check out the gift shop, where you can pr...
As Cheryl Crow once squawked a change would do you good, I think a change would do you good. Oh, I think a change would do you good and change can do you good, but only if managed correctly.
As chewed up bacon and egg coursed through my bloodstream. I feel my aches evaporate.
As for me, I need another plan. How will I get into QS PC?
As for the rest of them, that envious born out of simple self hatred to even attempt to walk of this scale, you need seriously big balls. Thankfully for me, I've got a pair of them, although it's f...
As I eat the last of my Asda ham, I watched the two men talk. Giles is as ever a class Act a raised eyebrow here a touch on the arm there a kindly nod while Backshore drones on betraying not a jot ...
As I head towards the district of Braintree, I began to muse on the word Braintree. You can imagine it can't you. A brain tree like an apple tree, except instead of apples, it bears human brains. I...
As I removed the canvas house from its bag, I realised that it's seriously large, at least a 6 Bertha Tony doesn't even have kids, so there's no reason for him to need a tent this size. It's all ab...
As I searched for a pen for my 50 pound white board, there's a sudden tap on my shoulder. I spin round swiveling on the ball of my foot to avoid putting any pressure on my still throbbing heel inju...
As I sit in front of the TV, angrily eating crisps, it comes to me. I will challenge her to her race.
As I stride along in boot bag and bread, I call my assistant to sound off. I tell her the news and she gives one of her noncommittal grunts and noise she produces when she knows she has to make a s...
As I strolled through the village of Azactam, pronounced aselton, I nod appreciatively at the Church of Saint Michael a stone and Flint structure. I've always loved Flint, that hard sedimentary cry...
As I turned to leave the roof space, I see an old cardboard box containing various papers, old photos and a length of tinsel.
As luck would have it, I'm able to hitch a leftover in a coracle. Truth be told, it's not a coracle at all. It's a small fishing boat. I've always wanted to go in a coracle and that's why I fibbed.
As my colleagues jostled to claim credit for my bravery, my position wasn't helped by the hastily scribbled publishing deals that gave Cash Inbox from Danny Sinclair three days in Norfolk, Jason Cr...
As my feet relax and bleed a little into the warm water, I strike up some chat, keen to learn more about this. Hopefully fascinating local character. 10 minutes later, I realized missus, Lancashire...
As one of the first county councils to allow library users to access the Internet for free, knowledge is in a constant state of download, letting in ideas and influences from all over the world, so...
As pot strokes from the building to the snarky of his former friends, I stood alone with a sense of unease, something about his expression said to me he wasn't going to take this lying down, I knew...
As soon as the lights dimmed, Edmonds stood up to go to the toilet, and no doubt fluff up his bouffant, which I thought was disrespectful to coarse leaders, Gary and Larry.
As the tuna and sweet corn filling explodes in my grateful mouth, I reflect on what has just happened in reality. Of course, no lives were at risk, and even if they had been, I could have done litt...
As they go on air, I'm delighted to see that the interviewer is Giles Brandreth. Now I love Giles. A lot of people think he's just a privileged posh boy, but I've researched him on Wikipedia and ot...
As to the charity I'm supporting, well, I've given it careful consideration. After all, ours is a nation not lacking in good causes. There's Help the Aged and barnardos and even charities for anima...
As to why so many of my former classmates are now on 0 hour contracts.
As we head to the ferry port to take the short crossing over to Gravesend, Bill gets a text on the bird phone. The mobile he keeps exclusively for alerts on rare bird sightings. Someone just spotte...
Asian Alan Sugar but is better at growing a beard.
At a sparsely attended funeral, his casket has been blessed and lowered into the ground. I'm invited to be the first to throw Earth into the grave. I crouched down and unsure of how much to put in ...
At first light 10:00 AM it's up and off and on my way.
At the guys house I add I walk on for a few seconds.
At the time I've been listening to Ebony and ivory a lot a lot, so I guess the racial harmony thing had something to do with that. Why I've been dreaming about Crown Green bowls, however, is less c...
At the very least, you should go see this Kennedy guy if he said he was interested in your walk, you should follow it up.
Back in 85 I was sent to cover Ian Botham's walk from Land's End to John O'Groats for Saxon radio alongside a phalanx of well wishers lining the route. I was there to cheer on and grab a quick inte...
Back in my loft at Denton Abbey, I digest the contents of the box hungrily, although I don't eat them, but it contains little more than jottings scribbled directions, a couple of letters, service s...
Basically it's very hard. I stagger into the home of God, the Church of Saint Andrew, in the village of Marx, Tay, and make my way to a Pew at the front. There's a service going on, but that's not ...
Because I'm not the one who's living a secret life, I shan't go back and undo it now.
Because it came from the barrel of a madman shotgun and it changed the way I look at everything.
Because little did my cackling colleagues realized how hard the news had hit Pat. You see, Pat was one of those deejays who thought he was entitled to a job for life. Perhaps he once worked at the ...
Besides which, I am on a journey in the footsteps of my father. A journey that will take me all the way to Dungeness, a nuclear power station. I'd be letting myself down. No, I'd be letting my fath...
Besides, in a matter of days, I knew my body would grow accustomed to the weight.
Better by far to do it where they feel. Safest their home order 60 Littlewoods catalogues to be delivered to the place where they live, where their partner lives, where their children live and you ...
Born in April 1926, he grew up in that somewhat thick era. After the Great War, when people were saying, well, we won't be doing that again, only to do it again quite soon afterwards.
Borrowed tent hug for the road, walked away.
Boss himself isn't looking too hot either. I can make out his image on the outside of the canvas and with my foot ballooning against one side of his smile. He looks for all the world like a man wit...
Breakfast arrives and I eat quickly and well polishing off the wet items. Beans, egg, tomato while my tea cools. Knowing that I'll then be able to wash down the tastier dry items. Bacon bread using...
Brian Brian Brian
Brian had been aware of my career from way back in the 90s when I was a sports presenter on the hard hitting news program. The day-to-day, he claims I once did an interview at a race track in which...
Brian still nothing.
But as I say, this one has lots of ideas, loads actually.
But as times gone on, I've realised that he simply won't learn if I indulge him, so I now respond to his weaker material by digging my fingernails into his arm, or by leaving a few seconds of dead ...
But at a level grade, you can actually handle. And while that may sound trivial, it's the kind of knowledge that can bestow a certain dignity on a man, even if he is a shadow of his former self.
But back to dawn morning she calls over as I breaststroke through the water. Yeah, whatever. I think back at her morning she says again. Yes, I heard you the first time I reply still inside my head...
But Brandreth knows me, we want rehearsed a panto together. Although my part Twinkies friend was subsequently cut before the opening night and he welcomes me warmly. I start chatting and tell Giles...
But by now Brian is on a roll God. I love him. He seems to think it could easily be formatted up into a six part series, in which I crisscrossed the country, recreating intensely personal journeys ...
But consider another type of radio program. Consider for the sake of argument my own slot midmorning people are busy in the mid morning. The high-powered executive isn't just listening to a radio s...
But despite the attraction of having a surname that sounds like a knitted garment worn by a grandma, Backshells audience can only take him so far. Marooned in the no man's land between bear grills ...
But either way, I can feel a huge sense of relief that the crowds are not here. For Alan Partridge, let me be clear, this walk is not about me and the very suggestion that I might have dreamed it a...
But even if you can't, I'm comforted to think that in his new job as shelf stacker at Asda Grady has at last found a role that if he's honest, is better suited to his skills and abilities. And with...
But even though I've only been back to the graveyard in Sheringham where he lies on one occasion since his funeral while interviewing an odd vicar for a high quality documentary, I still find that ...
But Greg wasn't listening to me, nor were any of the management team, and I raised the issue with them. And that's where I left it. And that eats me up. Maybe I should have done more, said more sho...
But hang on, I think still in my twine prison like a low tech piece of antigravity training. The timings don't add up, his purchases go on through not just the morning, but the whole day until the ...
But I have a problem on my hands. What value will my journey have if it isn't faithful to the key waypoints of my father's route?
But I knew that muggins here would suffer the fallout when she did realise she'd been conned. So I ended up emailing Godfrey, threatening to call the police and then with him off the scene, setting...
But I'm pretty sure one's named after a ride at Alton Towers.
But I've gone ahead anyway because I quote I'm just that kind of guy.
But if you are here now, you'd see me looking you in the eyes.
But is such a transformation even possible? Well, other than the fat back, that's dogged me, since the age of 40, I have a surprisingly toned body while proportioned and naturally hairless. It's a ...
But my colleagues don't have my kind of bravery and they know it. They're small people with small lives and small dreams. And even though a guy from accounts keeps telling me that he does triathlon...
But no, FPS didn't form part of the post siege narrative at all. Instead, my involvement was reduced to a footnote footnote like this.
But not tonight. Tonight I hung back leaning against a wall with my knee crooked so that the soul of one she was flat against the wall just below my bum it's a good stance and I was good at doing i...
But now I've been gifted an insight into my father's life. A second chance to get to know him.
But on other days, I imagine that he survived, and I wonder about his new exciting double life working as a croupier in a casino in New Orleans, perhaps, or maintaining a fleet of out of season Ped...
But Snuggles true ire is reserved for those BBC presenters using the cardiovascular equipment.
But soon it becomes clear that the noise is more than just car horns. People are winding down their windows, eager to learn more about my quest. What you up to Alan? Where are you headed Alan? Why ...
But still, this man is waving because he's homeless. I'm immediately scared. No thank you, I say.
But the box also contains various receipts for purchases of fuel and sandwiches back its ten sandwiches from various points along the route footnote. My father loved sandwiches and would always che...
But the nadir in our relationship came in a small room at the BBC. This was 1994 and as presenters of live shows him, the critically mauled Noels House party me the critically reviewed, knowing me,...
But the others were too busy to heed my misgivings. Oh, come on Alan, why aren't you said one? We're all, why aren't you said another? Why don't you s****** for a bit with us, said a third? Nah, I ...
But the truth, the truth is that I did sometimes go there to see Michael, and would only pretend I needed coffee, fuel, or chalk because I wanted to talk about. I don't know what happens if you put...
But think was the one I'd really thrown myself into, and the folly of that was now becoming apparent for Edmonds. This was like Christmas. Come early, I felt my rectum shrink back into me with emba...
But this guys was really stupid. He looked ridiculous. Anyway. He was only about 13 part of the Combined Cadet Force at the local school, so maybe he'll grow out of it.
But this made my father teak tough and any physical confrontation between me and him would always end in his favour, be it pinning me down, smacking my backside or just pushing me away when I becam...
But when he looks again, her face has gone and it's just a brick of charcoal or some black bread.
But when I got to the boardroom, the door was jammed so I couldn't get in. All I heard was them mumbling about Pat's Union activities and his foul mouth. I was desperate to make them see sense. Jus...
But you soon cheers up once I've settled in, she offers me tea and eventually agrees to draw me a foot bath using the washing up bowl that some people have in their kitchen sinks as a kind of plast...
But you'll be here in a minute. They reply again in annoying unison. I'd assumed they were identical twins, but one of them was black.
By 1:00 PM the weather system has put an end to my charitable endeavours as the heavens open and the rain sheets down. I can't help but wonder if the Environmental Brigade have found out what I'm u...
By day they're just six guys named Graham, Phil Graham, Martin, Andrew and Rick. Plus sometimes a woman called Caroline. By night they are will of the wisp for my money. The cultural highlight of t...
By now it's mid afternoon and I've reached the village of Swaines Thorpe. It's only pub. The inexplicably named sugar beet is sorely tempting me. A pint of bitter and a plate of crackers plays, but...
By now my assistant is phoning me repeatedly, so I thank them for their chats. Have a quick final glance at Bradbury, and then a quick final glance of baldini's hair and I'm off ready to pitch the ...
By now my shoes and socks are off. I've decided to roll up my trousers. I'm hopping from foot to foot like a madman.
By taking the piss out of us, you think we like having to wear suits while Ulot swan around in jeans? I don't swan Sarah. Don't say I swan when I don't. Yeah, I wear a Jean sometimes. I also wear a...
Can I help you a man in his 30s is Manning the shop. I tell him that I'm just reminiscing about my father who'd have come here 51 years ago on the 15th of September 1965 and would love to hear his ...
Carp
Change is one of the most powerful forces known to science. Be it small change like a Caterpillar, getting changed into a priceless to large change like a menopause in woman. Yep, change is hard to...
Chapter 10 and I am on my way.
Chapter 11 today is 2 day IE. Day two of my walk.
Chapter 12, Flint.
Chapter 13 digs in dis.
Chapter 14 Edmunds
Chapter 15 quite simply cows.
Chapter 16 a few words then on Norfolk.
Chapter 17 I'm only making plans for Lionel.