The Mighty Boosh - Season 3 Edit

A 12 disc box set of Charlie Mingus just came in there's some pretty raw outtakes on there.

A big shot director was gonna be there, but I can't act. I just...

A cheese plant can send you into a panic.

A complex process which a civilian would have no way of knowing.

A couple of hours later, you've got yourself a fire. Hm?

A couple of those on the arms, a bit of kindling...

A fox came in? What is this? Beatrix Potter?

A long time ago, before people had webbed knees,

A lot of bad things can happen to a boy like you.

A lot of bad types, a lot of mean people... a lot of nutters.

A minor setback? They destroyed us.

A pencil? No, no, no! Look, it's Niagara Falls. It's a seagull.

A proper gesture.

A situation. You've lost your ladder. Look for your ladder.

A thousand euros by midnight or I'll set me eels on you again.

A whole new kingdom of gaydom!

Aaaaaaaaaadios.

Aaaaargh!

Aaaargh...

Aaargh!

Aarghl I am the angry crab of trapped windl

About safety precautions and fire exits and stuf.

Absolutely everyone was asking for him today.

Acting.

Actually, it's gonna be all right.

Ah, here we are once more in my acting dojo.

Ah, Howard, we do remember you. Shall we take you to the brain?

Ah, swordplay!

Ah, that's told him.

Ah, the chokes. Old chokey. Chokus pocus.

Ah, there you are, you prancing kingfisher. Prepare to die!

Ah, we were amazing. We are the kings of crimp.

Ah!

Ah! There you are!

Ah.

All change, please. Paperclip Castle.

All day I've been getting into the mind set of the executioner.

All he needs now is a tall, Northern, jazzy freak with a moustache and no dress sense.

All I want is just some coppers.

All my mates were there last night. They're well shallow. I'm out of the loop now.

All right, come in for five minutes...

All right, Gary?

All right, girls? Check me out. I'm a multicoloured sex machine.

All right, I got an idea. Check this out.

All right, I gotta go, Naboo, yeah?

All right, let's not panic, OK? Let's ring Naboo.

All right, Naboo. You got the money?

All right, that was the first go.

All right. Check this out. This, my friend, is the celebrity radar.

All right. Do it, Bollo.

All right. Keep your hair on. I'll do it.

All right. Uh oh.

All right. Without further ado, let's welcome to the stage

All shrunk. And they were all tight to his head.

All the little 'uns would gather here, and Ray would lie down there like a seal pup.

All those hours spent weeping by the window. Bring Uncle back for me.

All we need now is the light of the full moon.

All we need to do is find something that only we do, something that no one else does.

And 2 goes, "I've locked the door!"

And 9 goes, "I can't! I gotta get out of here!"

And a peanut that can make me see into the future

And accidentally Photoshopped my own head over your dead singer's face.

And Dante, the racist badger.

And destroy the one thing you love? The one thing you hold dear to yourself?

And glued the feathers onto himself with Pritt Stick.

And he had the light, sunny, simpleton feel.

And he had them, uh, dry cleaned,

And he liked to eat rattlesnakes on toast and use crocodiles as taxi cabs.

And he read an article about London life.

And he set off to the town.

And he'll try and rip your heart out through your kneecaps.

And here you are, a stranger, giving me a wondrous cape.

And his hands became see through and he knew he was gonna die.

And how did you come by that money,

And I said, "I'm the Moon, I'm made of cheese."

And I swear to God I'll fill your face in, pal.

And I took that emotion and I used it in the scene.

And I was ringing him to find out where it was.

And I'd play a song that goes a little bit like this...

And if you don't like that transaction I jab you in the gums with me screwdriver?

And if you're going to branch out into kinky sidelines, don't advertise it on the shop.

And in the designated refuse area.

And it was all fine.

And listen, we got a big shot director coming down to see Sammy the Crab.

And my room's out of bounds.

And number 2 goes, "No! I'm going to slice you and learn how to slice others!"

And number 9 goes, "I want cofee."

And one of those things where you go backwards and land on your feet. Cool.

And over and over again and over,

And pills for levitation, all that shit?"

And played those first few chords, people must have thought he was mental!

And quickly became the toast of Camden.

And quickly became the toast of Camden.

And sax... down, up, down

And sit under Mr. Willow, the tree.

And so the moral of the story is that...

And stick a French banger of acting up Sammy's arse, the little pink shit.

And that makes your hair more dificult to straighten?

And that's why I can't go for that.

And the final sword, please, Bollo.

And the impostor, he got munched down like a KitKat.

And the magpie shaved the peacock with some clippers

And the other half go, "Ugh, he's a vanilla rapist! Get him away from my kids!"

And the penalty is very clear. A turban full of tequila, in one.

And then decided he was gonna go to London.

And then it's just down there, on the right. Ha ha!

And then there's Lester, who is basically an invalid, and I need to walk him home, don't I?

And they did. And it tasted of baby sick.

And this is the number 9. The 9 is a customer, right?

And torn of at the shoulders

And up, down... Feel it burn. Feel that bebop burn.

And Uranus, he knocked up a spaghetti Bolognese.

And what exactly is it that you sell, boy?

And when they come back they'd all shrunk down.

And whose fault was that?

And yesterday I saw him do a shit on a salad.

And you will change your mind.

Anyone for volleyball?

Anyway, I've had deeper relationships in my mind, at a distance, than you'll ever have.

Anyway, that is so out of the blue, you've creeped me out.

Apart from a brief stint playing bass for The Style Council, I've not worked since.

Apparently he's in Marks & Spencer in the dads' section buying a jacket.

Are you blind, you nonce?

Are you fucking getting it, you dickhead?

Are you going to be all right here?

Are you insane? There's at most one track I could get away with, of maybe Rumours.

Are you out of your mind? You've walked right into his trap.

Are you the new face of trapped wind? Nice work, Howard.

Are you training to be a football manager? Are you Terry Venables? No, no, no, no, no.

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh! Argh! Ooh!

Argh! Whoo!

Arrrghhhhh!

As if they exist. They're the stuf of legends, like unicorns.

As long as she doesn't find out what goes on here

At night in our room when no one's looking but we have been doing it.

Bad area around here, boy.

Bad things can happen to sunshine people.

Bad things can happen to sunshine people.

Be careful, that's a lethal toxic tipped harpoon loaded with anti jazz.

Be quiet, please. I can't hear my internal TomTom. We appear to be lost

Beauteous. You get into the band, you get me in as a manager.

Because I used to be a bin man.

Because I'm your father!

Because these guys welcomed me back with open arms.

Because we had the same pencil cases, he'd put his pencils in my pencil case.

Because you're rolling with the boys?

Behold.

Being as you're the worst shopkeeper I've ever laid me solo peeper on?

Best of five?

Best out of three?

Big pieces of shit.

Big time avant garde director coming through.

Bin men are real men, tall as they are wide, with big hands, big necks, big dreams.

Black Tubes? That's just men in tight trousers howling.

Blast away the pain of trapped wind with these.

Blimey, I'm not dead! Something seemed to stop the bullet.

Blu Tack lives in the Blu Tack garden, Sellotape upon the Sellotape tree.

Bollipop man.

Bollo under strict instructions no Bob Fossil.

Bollo, can you stop pretending to be Mark King and make my legs thin?

Bollo, get the big cauldron out of the loft. I feel a punch coming on

Bollo, get the magic carpet. We need to sort this out.

Bollo, I'm having a panic attack. The shop's going to be all right, innit?

Bollo, what you doing?

Bollo, where are they?

Bollywood lollipop man, huh?

Boots does a late opening on Thursdays. I could nip down there.

Boring. Hey, are you still trying to sell these jazz records?

Bravo!

Bravo!

But don't forget to glitter up those flippers cos aqua bling is so far in.

But first I'm gonna to cut you slags up.

But he decided he was gonna cos he was a wilful little fox,

But he was on digital telly late at night and got poor viewing figures.

But he worked hard and eventually he got his own show.

But he's asked me to put phat beats down on his new shapes. I'm tempted, you know

But he's given that up now to pursue his dream of becoming a folk legend.

But I followed those dreams and that passion, and they took me to Doncaster...

But I thought, "Do I need this?" And I realised I've got everything I need right here

But inside I've got a rich and fertile inner life.

But it's forbidden for a peasant to touch a shaman's garments.

But now here's an act that's going to save the day.

But of course. I shouldn't really do this, but perhaps there is a way, Naboo.

But that's our angle!

But the gig starts in an hour, so I'm going to take you to level 42.

But the party lifestyle took its toll.

But what happened was there wasn't any Parmesan,

But what if I went for a finer gauge corduroy... up against a mufin?

But when I see these chiquitas... drives me insane.

But, last try, this one I call the "survival patch".

But, um, it's coming on in leaps and bounds around here

By this time, his face was really close to mine

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Nice to meet you.

Called Tiny Robert.

Calm down, all right? Listen to some words of wisdom from Naboo.

Calm down, all right? Listen to some words of wisdom from Naboo.

Can I come in your house? You've been in my house.

Can it, Harrison.

Can you get of me, please? Listen, you're in imminent danger from...

Can you just get downstairs, please?

Can you not mention Van Morrison?

Can you really? Can you? Oh, well, can you do this?

Can you shut up?! Listen, I'm gonna say this once and only once.

Can't believe it. Loincloths are coming back.

Change your address once, they never find you.

Changez le disc.

Charisma. My stories are legendary. I'm a raconteur, you know?

Check it out

Check out my new pitch. You can be the customer, OK?

Check out my scan.

Checkity ass, kiddly diddly check!

Cheers. Howard, do you want to do the honours?

Cheers. Knob.

Chemistry. Yeah, I've got the dark, fractured, broken, paranoid side to me

Chicka chicka!

Chrissy, up you go. Love your work!

Ciao for now. Over to Vince Noir with the weather.

Ciao! Pow! Skiddy biddy bow!

Close your eyes, breathe in and listen.

Combining to make something not quite as good as either.

Come back, you...!

Come of it. I can fit. That's just an excuse.

Come on, Bollo, let me in. For old times' sake. Please?

Come on, Bollo. Remember Paris?

Come on, Bollo. We're almost there.

Come on, chief.

Come on, Den.

Come on, Dennis, you berk. Get that peyote down you.

Come on, Howard. We're both old. We're at the end of our natural born lives.

Come on, let's g g g go!

Come on, let's get the box set.

Come on, love monkey. You like what you see, don't you?

Come on, my bin bag bitches!

Come on, unless someone wants to make Cocoon V, we are finished.

Come on, Vince.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. I'll have the lot of you.

Come on. You must have some loose change somewhere.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space.

Comin' at ya like a beam, like a ray

Coming up next, a seven hour documentary about Danish avant garde cinema.

Confidence shattered, lost my wife.

Cook his food, straighten his hair, bake him little cakes.

Cool

Cool your boots. I borrowed it. I'll give it back to you.

Cool! Thanks!

Cool.

Cool.

Cool. I'll put you on in the second half.

Couldn't help noticing you looking at the jazz records.

Couple of Stooges singles, the Ramones box set but it's in his bloodstream now.

Cowboy.

Crap, the white balance has gone. Can you do that again?

Crimping in sync! That's what I'm thinking.

Daddy's come for you, boy!

Daddy's here! Come to daddy!

Dear, oh dear. What have we got here? And what are you supposed to be?

Den man.

Dennis, you dimlo! What the fuck are you doing? That's the wrong geezer.

Dennis.

Dennis.

Denny?

Denzel?

Denzoid.

Destroy me. Twist my head clean of.

Did you enjoy that, boy? Cockney urine all over your face?

Did you see Elsie, boy? Did you dance with her?

Didn't think we could make it, did you? But me and Lester make quite a team.

Do it! Do it!

Do they lie down to sad music and die like the Elephant Man?

Do us a favour. Hide this cape, will you?

Do you have some medicine for me? Maybe something from the cupboard over there?

Do you know anybody?

Do you think if I got the juice back they'd set me free?

Does he? Well, Naboo's not here now, and I'm in charge. It's time to pull your weight.

Don't be ashamed of yourself just because you've become aroused.

Don't be coy, cowboy. I'm talking about the advert.

Don't be showing them Stationery Village now you've sectioned it of cos that is well creepy.

Don't be shy, now. Throw it at me hard.

Don't bring Vince into this. Howard, you've done bad.

Don't do that. We have your money, yes.

Don't eat 15 in one go cos you will see the devil,

Don't flatter yourself. As if Tony Harrison could make me twitch.

Don't forget the roach.

Don't give in. I've never seen you like this. I've been thinking.

Don't go anywhere. Wait there. Vince, you're a great guy, but... the timing was of.

Don't go into the shop there are objects that could get broken and are valuable

Don't leave it in thick blobs rub it in.

Don't leave it in thick blobs rub it in.

Don't mind if I do, sunshine.

Don't mind if I do, Vince. I've always appreciated your style and everything.

Don't obsess about your look. It's what's inside that counts.

Don't rise to it. Keep cool, calm and collected, like me, OK?

Don't touch me. Don't ever touch me again. Or look at me.

Don't worry about that. Do you fancy coming to see me DJ on Friday?

Don't worry, Dennis. You did all you could.

Don't worry, I got your back. If you need help, just nod.

Don't worry, I've invited half the female population of Camden. It'll be cool.

Don't worry, though. I won't let it happen to you again cos I'm gonna protect you, boy.

Don't worry, Vince. I've frozen time. No one can hear anything,

Donni!

Douglas.

Down in one, down in one, down in one,

Down in one, down in one, down in one.

Drink this.

Dry ice.

Easy! I've gotta go to Costcutter for my mum.

Easy. Remember Peacock Dreams.

Ecstasy. MDMA.

Elements of the past and the future

Elsie Eel we used to call her.

Emotions.

Enough of this. Let us return to the matter of shamanic justice.

Er..

Erm, that's a nice jacket.

Erm, that's a nice jacket.

Erm...

Especially when you're having fun. A few ground rules:

Evening, squire

Evening, treacle!

Eventually he ended up on the streets begging for cheese in Dalston.

Every day I scrub it of, every day it comes back. Ever more elaborate insults.

Every day you're late, every day another excuse. What is it this time?

Everyone's looking back. Get with the programme.

Everything turned to shit.

Everything's diferent in my world. Let me explain.

Everything's vibrations, Howard. Like music.

Exactly. That's why we should. It'll be genius.

Fair do's.

Fast and loose, sir. That's the way Howard Moon plays.

Fine by me, I've already got somebody else.

Firing himself into Duncan Goodhew's back.

First I've heard about it.

First you're a new raver, then you're a mod. You're flicking about on the breeze of fashion.

Fleetwood Mac's Tusk in its entirety.

Flipping hell, what have you gone and done that for? That's really hurt.

For a price, of course.

For the fuzzy tingle time

Fortunately, Saboo, no harm has been done.

Friends. People of Camden. You are the chosen ones.

Fucking idiot.

Fucking marvellous.

Get another car.

Get in here. Get in there.

Get in the back. I'll do this.

Get it out! I can feel it inside me!

Get out. Think about what you've just seen.

Give me a break. All I need is one shot. It's my number one dream to work with Jurgen.

Give me my juice back!

Give them a little blast of Hamlet, dear boy.

Go on, Howard. Show them what you're made of.

Go to it. That's right.

Going on a stag weekend. It's going to be huge.

Gonna go to Lester Corncrake's house, stick your phone up his arse and ring him?

Good boy.

Good evening, gentlemen. Mind if I join you?

Good idea. TV!

Good luck.

Good people? Let's have a look at some of these friends of yours.

Good work, Howard.

Got it.

Got me out of many a dificult situation. When I unleash it, it's like a cruise missile.

Got your, uh, jodhpurs caught on a magic hedgehog?

Great. Bye.

Ha ha! Ow!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha. It's actually quite good, that.

Ha! No!

Halt!

Hang on a minute. How do I even know this is you, Naboo? This could be a trick.

Hang on a sec. Just gotta check this out.

Hang on, my dad's a geography teacher in Leeds.

Have you been living on Planet Don't Know What's Going On?

Have you seen his one man version of Streetcar Named Desire?

He did a chart of similarities and everything. There was a 95% match.

He did, but I studied fashion at Saint Martins. Still, you can't do this!

He doesn't see very well. He sat on the phone,

He found a copy of "Cheekbone" magazine.

He got a model girlfriend, a sports car and his own chat show.

He heard Weather Report and his neck went big.

He lived in the woods, in Elderberry Wood.

He looked like Bjorn Borg.

He once strapped 14 cameras to the back of a dying swan and hurled it into a supermarket.

He performed a strange ritual on his king size deathbed,

He read it over and over

He said, "Is it better now?"

He says you're the biggest, dirtiest ball fondler this side of Dalston.

He shufled to the top on his beefy Celtic drummers.

He thinks they dissolve in the rain like a Berocca. What an idiot!

He thought a bumblebee had gone up him. It was quite traumatic for him.

He wanted his music to live on, so he contacted a local voodoo priest

He was on this windowsill. I sneaked up to him, just about to tag his ankle, he got away.

He was the one I lost the part to, the one who ran of with my wife.

He was the one.

He went by the name of Howling Jimmy Jefferson.

He'd rather sit in a dark room with his 70 year old jazz mate swapping hands

He'll sell that car by the end of the day. Look. He's got charm, charisma...

He's a prostitute.

He's been looking at me for years and years

He's gotta sing and wear pants. He doesn't need you bumming him out. Now, giddy up.

He's in Bethnal Green cemetery having a picnic. Genius!

He's in the sewers.

He's just practising his eye contact. Ignore him.

He's nicked everything from me.

He's not coming to the party, neither is anyone else.

He's not that good. He's a borderline simpleton. Look.

He's on the shores of oblivion. Kirk, if you can hear us, simply nod.

He's put on a stone and he has to wear a tracksuit.

He's saying he did eat a piece of that record.

He's talking like me, walking like me and I'm always with you.

Head shaman's gone mental thinks I got of with his wife. He's gonna chop my head of

Heh! Men of our advanced age and sexual decline need all the help we can get.

Helllllllooooooooooo,

Helllllloooooooooooo.

Hellllloooooooooo.

Hello, Mom? Yeah. No, I'm fine, yeah.

Hello, Vince.

Hello!

Hello! Idiot!

Hello? Come up.

Hello. I'm Jurgen Haabemaaster.

Help me.

Helps keep your bangers in check.

Here, let me demonstrate. Throw me that spanner, Howard.

Here's my card if you change your mind.

Here's some I made earlier.

Hey hey hey!

Hey, birthday boy! How's it going?

Hey, did Donnie get that package?

Hey, everybody! Looks like we got ourselves a crimp of!

Hey, guys. Good to see you

Hey, hey. Pipe down, little fella. It's not going to get to face court, is it?

Hey, Howard, here's one for you.

Hey, Howard, I've got an idea.

Hey, Howard. You would not believe it. I was so close to getting Pete Neon.

Hey, I hear you're casting for your new acting project. You know, I used to act.

Hey, if Sammy's looking a bit sluggish, pop a couple of Berocca into his tank, will you?

Hey, Moon.

Hey, there. Harold Boom at your service, sir.

Hey, tiny red blood cell. Come over here a minute.

Hey, Vince, how are the legs?

Hey, Vincey, I've just been on the internet.

Hey, Vincey.

Hey, where do you think you're going? Who are you?

Hey, you like this cape, don't you?

Hey! Thanks for doing that

Hey. Nice shoes. Straight upstairs.

Hi, guys. I am feeling loose and jazzy fresh today.

Hi, Lance. I've considered the ofer. I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn you down.

Hi. Hello. I just want to say thanks for coming... to my birthday

Hi. I noticed your jacket. Very nice.

Hi. You took your time.

High five

His friends said, "No, you can't go."

His friends were Nicholas, the tennis rat,

Hit it now.

Hm?

Hm...

Hmm!

Hold it under a full moon, put in the shadow of a virgin...

Hold on.

Holding hands with you and Lester, listening to Charlie Mingle.

Holy shit sauce!

Hoo, hool The fun, fun times for himl

Hope that's OK.

How about I give you no money,

How are you doing? You all right?

How dare you? I've got a heavy goods licence.

How did this occur, Naboo?

How I got that money isn't really relevant at this juncture. I have the money.

How many have you had? Have you started already?

How you gonna play it, boy?

How you went to school and went home with the pencil case of the boy sitting next to you.

Howard Moon, actor, at your service.

Howard Moon, as I breathe and stink. How are you?

Howard, my sweet piece of love nipple, let's get away from here.

Howard, we can go no further.

Howard, you can do it, dear boy.

Howard?

Howardl Howardl

Howdy.

Huh? Voodoo tennis player. Come on. Hm?

Hush, hush, little spaceman, and come to Momma!

I am greenlit the whole way.

I am Jupiter. I will munch you up, you impostor!

I am steaming!

I am the Crack Fox. Behold my power.

I call it the "celebradar". Leroy knocked this up before he went skiing.

I can make this bottle land wherever I wish.

I can often suffer from the pain of trapped wind. It can be very uncomfortable,

I can see what you're trying to do, but I could pretty much pick these up from any shop.

I can't do it. I can't go through with this.

I can't drive, I'm shitfaced!

I can't find it.

I can't get up these stairs. What is this bullshit? I asked for a ramp.

I can't have you freaking them out with creepy corduroy creations.

I caught it. Look. That's gonna be worth something one day.

I could come up with a plan. Yeah

I couldn't help it. He was charming and he had a sort of sunshiny feel to him.

I couldn't reach the pee trough. I asked you to pick me up and you just shunned me.

I did a bit of acting once.

I did a lot of French period drama before I worked in Megabowl.

I didn't just stand around with my hair looking lustreless.

I didn't see anyone.

I do. They're frightening.

I don't believe this.

I don't even understand that story. It's not even funny.

I don't freeze any more. That was when I was a young boy.

I don't know what to do. I can't make it into anything else. It's just a pencil, you old git!

I don't know. Does it dissolve in the rain like a giant Berocca?

I don't know. I'm not feeling it, Howard.

I don't need him. I've already got a shallow mate who dresses like a futuristic prostitute.

I don't pick stuf up, I knock stuf down.

I don't think so. You know what I'm doing?

I don't you guys anyway. I don't need this place. I've got bigger fish to fry.

I foolishly agreed to accompany my wife on an extreme sports calendar shoot.

I got a free can of hairspray round the corner, you interested?

I got no other parties to go to.

I got over 400 pop stars tagged. I'm going to make a fortune.

I got you now, little piece of chicken!

I gotta get out of here, man. It's dangerous.

I gotta get out of here.

I had a pencil case and it was very similar to the boy's who used to sit next to me

I had a Really Wild Show Annual. I was giving her a good licking.

I had an itch. I was itching my arm. I'd changed washing powders. It flared up.

I had something of an epiphany.

I hate you trendy modern wankers and everything you represent.

I have a love shack in Acapulco and you can mess me up fun time.

I have another patch. I call this one the "chameleon patch".

I have ordered not one, not two, but three crates of poppers.

I have seen a doctor. He's a doctor of fashion.

I have the money now in my hand. I have now got the money here...

I haven't got a pencil case story. He's driving a wedge between us.

I haven't got anything inside. I'm like a beach ball.

I jump over the neighbour's fence, take his cat and twist his neck.

I just can't act!

I just can't act.

I just have to find a quiet spot, tell her I'm going to bed at half nine, and carte blanche.

I just wanted to say that I am glad you are clean.

I just wanted to say to you, Sammy, that what is in the past is in the past.

I knew that was gonna come back in. The scuba look genius!

I know all the lyrics to your songs, and I was mucking about on Photoshop the other day

I know it was a bundle of sticks but I don't have much to work with.

I know it's the extreme sports calendar shoot this weekend, but I just can't make it.

I know what you're thinking how can I when I've got Vince and two Vinces at home?

I know you're thinking, "I'll have to throw it away."

I know, but I didn't need to go then. I'm not a machine. I've got a weak bladder.

I know, but I still feel a bit annoyed. He's doing my head in.

I know. But had I, that's what I would look like

I like your hat, man. Can my mate Ricky borrow it? Cos he likes it.

I like, uh, Saturn. Yes. He's lovely.

I looked away momentarily, the wind blew the page over.

I love this guy.

I mean, it's not even that you stole my look. You didn't even give me a name check.

I meant, uh, I'm your uncle

I might know someone.

I never leave rubbish out the back. I leave refuse in designated refuse areas.

I never seen anything like it

I packed the harpoon just in case that bastard jazz cell turns up.

I played Carol

I prepared for it for months, but I was pipped to the post by another actor.

I reached into the dark and I pulled out a crimp. I panicked.

I realised young people like yourselves aren't interested in eels and Victorian nonsense.

I remember talking to Gielgud about it. He was furious with himself.

I remember this place when it was a pie and mash shop.

I run a business, and the numbers just don't add up.

I said, "Yeah, but it's a bit blurry."

I see you've added some new stuf to your menu.

I see you've still got it. Mind if I have a tinkle?

I see. Connoisseur of the patch, like myself.

I see. You're a punk, so now you're glue snifing. Well done.

I sneak up on 'em, tag their ankles. They don't know anything about it.

I suppose it is quite a similar look.

I suppose Sammy will be getting ready to go on stage now.

I swing both ways, but I'm not feeling it with you.

I think not, sir. I'm Howard Moon, party animal

I think that is quite true because you know Patrick Moore?

I think you can go in now, if you like.

I think you may have gone insane, Vince.

I thought he was gonna be the future of punk.

I thought in your number one dream you had a boxing glove on your head and a minge.

I thought we were playing the gig tomorrow night.

I thought you might need a bit of a break. You know, see some of the high life.

I unleash my raw acting chops, blow Sammy of the stage,

I used to work these tunnels back in the day.

I want to see you skipping around the bracken in your tights.

I was a sanitation inspector before I was a bin man.

I was all set to hate him, but now he's gone, I miss him.

I was cleaning bin bags up from round the back and I chatted to this fox and...

I was gonna **** you and leave you in this bin, but now I amnae.

I was in Home and Away.

I was in the wilderness. I saw myself in robes and a beard.

I went on one a couple of weeks ago. It was amazing. I bounced as high as my own head!

I went to a dinner party for all of the planets,

I will get into those drainpipes. I will.

I will get into those drainpipes. I will.

I won't be coming back. Are you gonna be OK?

I won't sleep tonight. I'll be wriggling all over the place.

I wonder who that is.

I wonder why. It's cos you're always on the wacky baccy.

I would like to play "Would I Lie To You?" By Charles and Eddie.

I wouldn't wanna live there, anyway. Nor would Mr. Pen

I write 'em down, you know. What is it? A scarecrow took you to Paris, yeah?

I'll be fine. I'm not going back to the shop.

I'll get you, as God is my witness!

I'll give you a support slot. That's the best I can do. I can't take 'em of the bill!

I'll grab some girls, yeah? You go down to Naboo's shop.

I'll hurt you when we get inside.

I'll just slit my own throat and bleed to death here.

I'll make more money from patches.

I'll pay you back for this act of kindness one day.

I'll see you tonight for the gig. And give my condolences to Neville's family.

I'll tell you what the matter is

I'll use the walkie talkie.

I'm a big actor. Look.

I'm a done a tummy shame.

I'm a full moon, yeah, making all the juice activated.

I'm a gay! I'm a massive gayist!

I'm a real man, a man of substance. And I'm having a quiet night in.

I'm all right. I'm gonna have a quiet night in with Lester Corncrake.

I'm doing pretty good, Fossil, yeah. Things are going OK and...

I'm done now.

I'm going to Jazzercise

I'm gonna bring you down!

I'm gonna drink it down. Oh, come to me.

I'm gonna play with that when I get home.

I'm gonna see Jurgen Haabemaaster speak about his latest project.

I'm gonna skin you, pop your eyes out and stamp on 'em.

I'm gonna wipe out humanity starting with you, lady man.

I'm Howard Moon and I know how to use my talkie round hole!

I'm just an old man having a slice of fun pie.

I'm lead singer of Terminal Margaret

I'm not glue snifing. I'm making a scrapbook of my favourite punks.

I'm not interested in your wife. I'm in love.

I'm not interested in your wife. We were just in a cupboard together.

I'm not interested. Stop trying to lure me in with a crimp.

I'm not sure what it is I am seeing.

I'm sorry, but I do not stoop to pick up men in the urinals.

I'm the electric soup erman.

I'm the foxy man.

I'm the linchpin. That's what Naboo says. He says I add colour to the shop.

I'm the moon, the original moon.

I'm the new moon, and I'm going to eclipse you. Ha, ha!

I'm the sherif of Stationery Village.

I'm the woman in the prime of her life that needs love squeezin's!

I's in no way related to you, boy. You's is ugly bugly.

I've a good mind to thrash you, so you'd better explain yourself before I do.

I've been booked to play here.

I've been living in the past. I might as well go and run me head over with a truck.

I've been saving 20 years for this and it's finally arrived.

I've been trying to get you to have a party for ten years nothing.

I've done a landing.

I've done many things you don't know about, Vince.

I've felt like there was something wrong for a while but... I went to the doctor's.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

I've got a few things to do. I've got to get a new coat, actually, from, uh... Topshop.

I've got a job in Rumbelows as junior manager. I can take you on.

I've got a Mr. Rogue Jazz Cell here to see you, darling

I've got an idea.

I've got an idea. It's a crazy idea, but I'm gonna be at the gig anyway, and I can sing.

I've got it, Saboo! A concept is formulating.

I've got some bad news. I don't even know where to begin.

I've got some ideas on how to get your pins down.

I've got to get in this band and they've got a drainpipe policy.

I've lived many lives. "Many Lives" Moon, they call me

I've never left Shoreditch.

I've only seen you act at school. Remember? We did Aladdin.

I've seen men checking me out.

I've seen you in a field, naked, with just a sock and a whistle.

I've spent four hours scrubbing that filth of the shutters.

I've still got it. I'll show you some stuf

I've still got the magic. Pow!

If I could get him, I would make a killing.

If I do that, Saboo, she will pummel me into the dirt.

If I don't get some action soon, I'm going gay.

If I don't talk in fashion terms, I get confused

If I train you, get rid of the chokes, we'd be sticking it to Sammy?

If it was all on fire in a bin. Hmph!

If it's the past that's in, maybe I should step up, huh?

If the fox uses the juice he'll be unstoppable.

If we'd known sooner, we could've counteracted the jazz virus

If you ever tell anyone about this, I will literally come at you like a breeze block of pain.

If you freeze, it's gonna be me carrying you out of there like a post.

If you like those, you might be interested in these.

If you wanna stay, that's your business. Goodbye.

If you weren't a geezer, I'd **** you right now behind the counter.

If you're going then, can you do me one last favour?

If you're still here, I'll pull your head of.

Iggy's working in Tesco Metro.

Imagine it went into your jazz bones. You would crumble like Ryvita.

In fact, check this out. It is genius.

In ten years you've never once given me eye contact.

In the tear duct. Bollo, make Vince cry.

In you go. Hey, Brad Pierce. Shaun Richards. Easy tonight.

Incoming!

Incredible mind. You know what he once did?

Inject him into Vince's bloodstream using a miniature submarine.

Is that my phone?

Is that one of my safety pins? It should be tucked away in Safety Pin Cottage.

Is that right? Well, I'm pretty dirty, yes. I'm filthy, like an old shoe.

Is there any room on the door?

It amazes me how you manage to do that with the sense of touch alone.

It can, but it doesn't.

It can't have been that bad.

It clearly states in the book of the law that the penalty is death.

It didn't get in the way for Van Morrison.

It didn't really work, did it?

It didn't work out. We got as far as the end of the road.

It doesn't go with my image. You don't see people in Dazed & Confused tidying up.

It doesn't mean anything. It's a patch. A good one. Flint weave.

It doesn't really work like that. I'll see you later.

It is an exploration of pain and rage.

It is called shaman juice.

It is not a job any of us wanted.

It means that you take half an E and you wet your little knickers.

It might be enhanced with the use of an elbow patch.

It smells like Head & Shoulders and toothpaste in here.

It turns out we're actually related and, um...

It was a Nazi. It was a Nazi man.

It was about 1976, I think it was. I was in my heyday. Everything was going right for me

It was at this moment that I realised I had found the man for my next project.

It was before then, but I know what you're saying.

It was either the jockey outfit or the scuba look. Look at all the accessories, they are wild!

It was frightening in the dark!

It was in the bush

It was one hell of a party!

It was the part of a crab.

It was when Pete stole my trainers. I went berserk

It's a long shot. I'll need your help.

It's a pretty warm moment. You're welcome to join us if you fancy.

It's a sad story. I won't bore you with it.

It's a simple system. Everything has its own place in Stationery Village.