Ultimate Matt Berry Soundboard Edit

A charming lady.

A gentleman caller.

A girl from a tiny village. On a dirt island in the Mediterranean.

A girl with no surname. No social standing. They actually called her a peasant girl.

A goat.

A good evening.

A sex change operation.

A slice of a fair system, wouldn't you say?

A smart thing to do now would be to get out of town. That's what Lazlo would do.

A super slumber is an act performed by the most desperate of vampire.

A total ban on turtlenecks.

A van. It's not the same, is it? Can you at least make sure it's black?

A. See a picture. Naming the lights above.

Abandon the vessel immediately.

About 10 minutes.

Absolutely anything.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Actually, if you wanna do Nando a favour, you could put that on, head down to massive fitness and get a date with the receptionist called Meg.

After all that nonsense on Staten Island, I cut loose to Pennsylvania because it sounded like Transylvania, and we all know that sounds cool.

Agreed. Thank you.

Ah, but even the most wealthy of vampires, they don't own what I own.

Ah, I see. You want to finish your final human orgasm. Yes?

Ah, that's my first ship. Is a piece of shit.

Ah, there's somebody at the door. There's somebody.

Ah. Here we go.

AHHHHH!

All I know is I haven't had a whistle of wool or tag.

All kinds of effin and jeffin.

All of my knowledge and the best of my abilities will turn you into the most impressive vampire there is.

All right, all right, keep your hair on. I've already arranged for some local vampires to come round for Colin Robinson's birthday.

All right, calm down.

All right, can't complain.

All right, mate.

All right, sailor.

All right, simmer down, Sean. We can't all be pillow experts.

All right, you've made your point. Let's call this a night.

All right.

All right. Is that chicken spell worn off?

All right. Let's get him to a private place where we'll both hypnotize him. You'll forget everything. Good old double hypnosis.

All these years of obsession and hatred.

All this is playing havoc with my guts.

All we need to do is send that to 10 friends or foes by sunrise and the curse will be lifted.

Alright then, Constantine.

Alright, all the best.

Alright, alright my darling.

Alright, alright, you've made your point. Get off me.

Alright, found it.

Alright, I didn't see you. She should be in a bloody cage.

Alright, well, I'll leave you to whatever the hell you were doing.

Alright.

Alright.

Am I a coward? Of course not.

Am I devious? Yes, I think I am.

America's premier nocturnal playground of hedonistic debauchery.

Amongst the broken tulips in the Garden State.

And a new outlet even was too hot, too late.

And as a sign of respect, we have decided to better you betwixt my two favorite vaginas out of my wife. And my mother.

And as limp as a finger.

And by lunchtime I was in the whole House with two prostitutes and three good time boys.

And by that I mean the new.

And cheap repairs to get down to the business of debt.

And consumable with butter.

And enjoy the most magical night of your life.

And eventually I realized, better for the poor bastard to not know at all.

And every human being they knew is dead, and every vampire they knew was scattered to the four winds and started a new life without them.

And from there I was in charge of sloops, battleships, brigantines, the Titanic for two seconds.

And he's become a massive prick.

And here we have the peace dockerty stones, my mother.

And how would you like me to answer that?

And I feel I succeeded.

And I myself did. Contract leprosy, but I was quite lucky because it couldn't be seen. It was only one part of my anatomy.

And I promised I'd never get emotional in front of you chaps, but. I didn't sc**** and murder my way to Pennsylvania to watch those talented athletes get fucked off.

And I wish I'd made love more.

And I won't start now.

And I'll tell you something, Jackie did Homer's life. It ain't so bad.

And I'm here to stop that kind of jive.

And I'm starting to get some pretty primal urges.

And I've heard there's a lot of nudity, and I mean a lot.

And I've not looked back since.

And if anyone else has anything to say, I would say now's the time to say it.

And if she hadn't told me I'd be reading the Bible, I wouldn't fucking agree to it.

And if you don't wear a cap? You look like a fucking knee trembler.

And is bamboozled.

And it was bollocks.

And it's a golden threesome with no holes back. And.

And it's like that Titanic film. Everybody knew what was going to happen in the end, but it was still a tremendous hit.

And let's face it, she's not all that. But this grinning fool is desperate.

And may I say, you are a credit to the women's suffragette movement.

And most birds would be appalled by this display. Yet this slack prick doesn't know up from down.

And now for the grand finale.

And now I will.

And now the 1990s, could it be any sexier?

And one of those is not sitting with you to pilchards making horse noises.

And so it begins.

And so you think this eye child is linked with the big eye that ****d the man in B wing?

And tell me how you do that. You're locked in a fucking cage.

And that would include Canada. What the fuck would anyone want with Canada?

And that you needed me about at all times to take care of you.

And the odds against you being normal afterwards are pretty fucking low.

And the Super slumber consists of a vampire sleeping for over 50 years, 100 years or worst case scenario up to 300 years.

And then about a week later, that developed into pornos.

And then, one night, everything changed.

And those fuckers expelled me from the Sherwood club.

And to an expert in the arcane and black arts.

And tonight.

And we are truly sorry and we're taking this very seriously and these are our serious faces.

And we've got our own champion. He goes by the name of Nandor the relentless.

And what good is some soil from your homeland? When your best friend in the whole world is suffering.

And what I dismissed the rumour, is actually true.

And when I say a lot, I don't just mean a whiff of tit, I mean the full rack.

And when it does, I think she'll be very impressed.

And when we all know you hate the woman, that much is clear.

And which word in particular do you object to your honour?

And who do we have here?

And yet, like nothing I've heard before.

And you get in your car and you drive back to the Amazon.

And you won't remember a thing about.

And you're also very easy on the eye.

And you're familiar. He likes it, don't you, Dustin?

Animals are all around us, extraordinary, inspirational, craftily adapted or credit adapted to their environment and designed for survival.

Anything gets me hard.

Anything I can help with?

Anyway, enough about our balls.

Anyway, how dare you.

Anyway, I've invited Colin Robinson.

Anyway, obviously I invited her in.

Anyway, treachery was afoot and I was expelled from the Sherwood Club of London.

Anyway.

Anyway. One night I was awoken by this. Horrible clawing at the window and I thought, who the hell is that?

Are you fucking deaf?

Are you fucking talking about? He's just a familiar.

Are you joking, ray patches?

Are you keeping well?

Are you kidding?

Are you mental?

Are you OK?

Are you sure you're going to be alright?

Aristotle's book of Poetics 2. Is that code? No.

As a joke, nothing more.

As an advocate of the old ways, can I just apologize for the straight paper? But it should have been human skin, obviously.

As the pages fall from the calendar, we can do nothing but wait.

As we both know my darling from experience.

At 6:55, I hypnotize arterio Rodriguez.

At last.

Aye!

Aye. Hey, this casket close?

Back to Lazlo.

Bad.

Bad.

Bang goes my Hippocratic Oath.

Bang.

Baron, are you there?

Basically, we're fucked.

Bat

Bat!

Be gone.

Be quiet.

Because he's my best friend. He's my pal, he's my homeboy, my rotten soldier. He's my sweet cheese, my good time boy.

Because I killed him.

Because I live on the third floor.

Because I'm playing the keyboard till 2.

Because if I remember correctly, I walked into the John and someone had left a huge floater.

Because my heart was in pain.

Because the temperature is too high.

Because there's only one in the whole world.

Because you let the fire burn down.

Been monkeying around with my precious volume.