Couples Retreat (2009) Soundboard Edit

A grown woman literally jumped into shark infested waters

All right, go ahead. I gotta go.

All right, I love you.

All right, let me ask you something, then.

All right, now, everybody up, everybody up! This is Eden East!

All right, Sctanley, let's have some fun.

All right? I love you a lot.

All the beauty the ocean has to offer!

Allow me to put something on.

And come out through my mouth.

And hear the same football stories

And I got a lot of friends that like me

And I never stopped loving you.

And I told you that you were the only man I'd ever been with?

And I'm not gonna sit here and try to explain myself

And now, tell your partner a truth. A beautiful truth.

And she's loving him with that body I just know it

And she's watching him with those eyes

And so you got a lot of parenting to do tonight.

And there are consequences.

And thinking about, like, a dude's wet mouth..

And we're not even sure we know how to anymore, okay?

And where did you meet?

And you said you couldn't go because of us.

Baby, I thought we were gonna go to the waterfall tonight

Baby, let's just go back to the room, all right?

Baby, you can jump right in the ocean on this thing,

Because before there was the kids

Because you know what's gonna happen?

Boom, boom.

But be open to them and find the beauty within.

But I call all my boyfriends Daddy!

But if all of us go together, it's half price.

But if I told you, as a friend...

But l... I can't take this trip with you.

But perhaps this will warm up the evening.

But, baby, this is not like the Red Lobster. It's a four star restaurant.

But, honey, I think everybody has a million problems.

But, listen, we just go with it.

But, look, if you want to go play Guess Your Disease

Bye.

Close your eyes. Yes?

Could you honestly say that after seven years together,

Couple of eagles? You got two lions?

Cut his head, cut his head, cut his head!

Cynthia!

Cynthia. Hi. Can't wait.

Dad, they're designer shorts. They're French. Goodbye.

Daddy, I can't wait to get my drink on tonight!

Dave. I mean, really, did they penetrate your skin?

Dave... Hey, I'm trying to do this exercise!

Do it... It's just... Just... Just... You know?

Does this guy think he's a mermaid? What is his deal?

Don't let him get in your head, Dave.

Encouragement.

Enjoy this. Enjoy it.

Everybody into the children's pose!

Everybody on your mats.

Everybody, up! Let's keep this party going, y'all!

Excuse me!

Excuse me. What name are your reservations booked under?

Explore. Explore with your eyes.

Fish!

For you,

Good day, sir. I got room service for you. I'm very sorry.

Good! You like that? Yes. Good job.

Good.

Great.

Guys? Listen to me. Trudy's gone.

Hello, Jen. Welcome, Jennifer.

Hello!

Hello.

Here is my karma on you.

Hey, come on, Shane!

Hey, hey, what's happening?

Hey, we can do this. We get in, we get out, we're back before sunrise.

Hey, yo, check it out, y'all!

Hey!

Hey! What are you doing here?

Hi.

Hi.

Hmm. Boom!

How do I get over to the party?

How do we make it work?

How do you know where she is?

How would you characterize your marriage?

How you doing, big guy? Good morning.

I am Xavier and I will be your man seur for today.

I came here to drink, party, scratch records, do it all!

I can tell you that. No, no, no, no, no.

I did rock in high school football. You want to check tape?

I did the prudent thing and I got the hell out of the water.

I don't know

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what you're doing...

I don't understand what you're saying. You sound like Chewbacca.

I don't understand.

I don't wanna be doing this. I know what I want.

I don't want her to spend a night on Hump Island.

I don't want to go back to the room. I don't want to go to sleep.

I don't want to... I don't...

I don't want... I don't want to know.

I guess that's the yoga guy.

I had a shark attack.

I have some real field experience, honey, yeah.

I know that girl. I'm gonna go see

I know... I know that girl. San Diego!

I need this for me.

I own a zebra, you own a goat.

I promise, this'll be more for you later, okay?

I really don't think we have a choice.

I think Dave's got it.

I think he got us in the divorce. You want more wine?

I think my cortisol levels just shot up through the roof.

I want it to be perfect, too

I will be escorting you to the Eden West resort.

I will, however, take the fact that

I'm much less interested in the usual stuff

I'm not gonna be the man you want me to be.

I'm serious. I don't need it. These are the best in the world

I'm so sorry that we are disturbing your fortress of solitude here.

I'm tired.

If it matters to you, work at it.

If we split up, we're gonna... Stay with Joey.

In order for me to come back and say that I belong home.

Into what?

Is that I'm gonna pick one and then you're gonna complain

Is that why you brought me here?

Is this hilarious to you? 'Cause it's not to me.

It hurt. And I had shark teeth penetrate my skin.

It is karma. Yes.

It is like life. Like in relationships.

It wasn't like you walked out of a bar! It was a divorce.

It's a pretty small island.

It's both. It hurt and it feel good.

It's called the Pelican Package.

It's called tweeting. I call it twatting!

It's freezing in here. Why would they make a room like this?

It's good, yeah?

It's like a little love hut.

It's not a place for inappropriate behavior.

It's not about trust. Come on.

It's the second guitar solo that sorts the men from the boys.

It's time to feast here in the belly of the beast here at Eden East!

It's yummy, yummy, yummy, isn't it?

Jason, she's upset. Let her cool down. You'll talk to her later.

Jason's gonna be calling you, all right?

Jennifer, I don't need this.

Jennifer, I get it. Land your plane.

Jessie is a friend

Joey's the one who told you to move on.

Just beyond the abandoned Starbucks.

Just deal with it! You deal with it.

Keep walking.

Keep your chin up. Yep.

Keep... Keep going, keep going.

Kevin peed the bed.

Korean?

Korean? I am not familiar with Korean.

L... You have to make your own decisions.

Let me just find it in my notes here.

Let me just go talk to her.

Let's do a shot, let's do something. Anything.

Like a place that has dancing?

Listen, pal, I'm alive today because of early detection, all right?

Listen. Don't make any decisions right now.

Look at the water.

Look at this, baby.

Look, I gotta go, all right? Bye+

Look, I made promises, I let her down.

Lucy, Joseph.

Lucy.

Made me feel the love that you did.

Make that decision because I really don't know.

Man, we are about to get this party started right!

Marcel, this isn't a drill, buddy!

Might you recommend putting honey in my ears

Mmm mmm.

Moments. Life is made of them,

My husband found himself in a very traumatic shark situation.

No more, okay?

No need to take your bags. They will be waiting for you in your villas.

No one ever finds out that they were,

No, because you got married here,

No, I'd step on your feet, I'd hurt you. Thank you, though.

No, it's just that we were excited

No, Jason, she really needs a minute, okay?

No, we gotta go through. The path ends.

No, you were single, you had fun.

No. Okay.

Not everyone can say that they've had that

Now I'm gonna keep on spinning these fly tunes

Now remove your mask

Now she's dead, Dave? Huh?

Now this next jam goes out to all you party people in the house!

Now we will enjoy looking at the fish!

Of course he'd rather stuff his face, but he can't,

Oh, I need this. You have no idea.

Oh, might have been the best meal I've ever had

Oh, my God, you guys, I want to go dancing!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God...

Oh, my.

Oh, oh...

Oh, well, I mean, just off and on, you know, before the kids came.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Please, excuse my nudity

Okay, but that's not a real toilet there.

Okay, but, honey, honey, honey... Oh, my God.

Okay, good, 'cause it's $1,000.

Okay, Joseph Cecil Tanzini,

Okay, the build up's killing me.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I'd like to arrange a boat or a taxi boat.

Or, more commonly, bulldozing. And it's ugly.

Passed out on my face, come lunch ski.

Perhaps lemon sharks don't leave that bad of a mark.

Please, take off his pants. Yes.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yes. You will love it.

Right, they're both animals.

She said she was sick of my senior citizen bullshit.

She'd do anything for you.

She's been very selfish, hasn't been a very good teammate.

She's not a dog, Jason. Yeah? Well, listen,

Singles resort?

Sit down. You've got to sit down in the boat!

So do l.

So I will transfer you my energy. I will transfer my karma.

So let's not ruin the evening over it.

So we are excited about the couples' activities,

So we just make it all nice.

So what'd you follow me here for?

So you locked me out of the bathroom?

Someone's got to call God and let him know one of his angels is missing.

Something like that.

Sometimes we forget how to do the easiest thing in the world,

Swim slowly out of the chum!

Talking about our feelings and our problems,

Talking to locals is the best way to get information!

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

That is it. Yeah.

That just caters to you, no matter what?

That's how it works. They give you these credit cards

That's it! Then you shouldn't talk about it.

That's me.

That's my wife. She must be looking for me.

The couples' side, with my girlfriend.

The wolf is by nature a pack animal

Then I can watch what I eat later.

There's not a lot to say. Sorry about that.

They want you to be in debt.

They're all silver.

They're both dogs. They're both terriers.

This is all part of the course.

This is... What is this?

To be telling anyone to look in the mirror

To enjoy all these beautiful little fish that are...

Trudy. What a beautiful name.

Truth is that I'm exhausted just saying them.

Try to make it fast, Daddy.

Waiting, like a panther, to pounce on its quivering prey.

We do have a male masseur available, madam.

We haven't had sex since we've been here.

We want to enjoy our lives, celebrate our lives.

We want to enjoy our projects, enjoy our work week.

We're great. Have a seat. Want to sit down?

We're so proud of you.

Welcome to Eden Resort

Welcome to Hump Island!

Well, actually, I'm staying on the other side,

Well, I don't like you.

Well, it feels solid.

Well, then why were you staring?

Well, there are plenty of places

What do we do?

What the hell's that have to do with cheating on your wife?

What we gonna do in there?

What?

What's interesting?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's too much? Let's just get it together

What's your favorite thing about your partner?

When you beat me?

When you speak that way, David,

Why is it so important for us to be on time tomorrow

Will have what it takes to sustain it.

Wonderful! Stare at it! Stare at all of it.

Xavier?

Yeah, but, honey, that's just Dave being Dave, you know?

Yeah, they got fish in here, too, baby!

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. It works great.

Yeah, you guys are gonna have a blast.

Yeah. I got Joey on the line.

Yeah. We could all go together. It'll be beautiful.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep. You see?

Yes, of course, I will play the role of your husband.

Yes, the Pelican Package,

Yes.

Yo, you having a nightmare. You ain't even in the water. It's night time.

Yoga's not your strong suit?

You all right?

You all right?

You are here to seek the answer

You are the ass.

You attract the guy with the...

You called him tonight? It's a three hour drive.

You can see how this starts to stack up.

You damn sure ain't come to dance.

You do?

You got bit, I believe you!

You know what kind of guy you attract like that?

You know what? I'm gonna go check on her, okay?

You know what? If anyone should be mad here, guys,

You know, the Federal Reserve is a pimp.

You know, when she's ovulating,

You know,..

You may not have seen them before,

You must get out of the chum, but slowly.

You ought to be thanking me. I'm here at this home store

You won't have to rat me out.

You're not gonna have someone to go to Applebee's with.

You're playing a verbal shell game.

You're such an asshole!

You're supposed to send the check.

...and physically, really cheating on somebody?

'cause it was... The sun was very strong today.