Future Man (2017) - Season 1 Edit

A better job about acting normal here, okay?

A great last meal.

A savior.

All right, are you ready?

All right, I'm gonna go play video games.

All right, Santiago, you ready for this?

All right, Siegfried, you and me, pal.

All right, we tried it your away,

All the shits I have to plunge for a while.

All we know is that tonight, on July 20th, 1969,

Although, technically, male cats don't

Altitude velocity lights.

And awe.

And bikers are assholes.

And broke all my samples.

And broke my own heart

And every time I die.

And everything, but you need to do

And I didn't set my mind to that.

And I instantly forgive you,

And I live here.

And I still live at home with my parents,

And if you want to keep working for me,

And leave, please?

And more urethra swabbing.

And more weapons, however...

And neutralized.

And not tell you how much that emotionally winded me.

And one day, God willing, you'll conceive your own

And saved humanity

And science fiction, and are using it against me

And stop Dr. Kronish from ever getting herpes,

And that happens tonight.

And the one thing he didn't see coming

And then maybe give us a little dance.

And there's nothing weird about living

And we can stop this whole cycle before it even begins.

And we have to do this.

And we're kind of, like, becoming friends

And what?

And you look good with a cold sore.

And you're Wolf, and you're time travelers

And your costumes are impeccable,

And, by the way, think about Super Mario Bros. as a whole.

Another one, what happened?

Anyway, what level are you on?

Are characters from my video game?

Are we really gonna waste a leap on this fucking guy?

Aren't people who play video games supposed

Arms that chained us, eyes that lied

As to go you can

As to live you can

At Caltech.

At the Christmas party.

Bam, you like that?

Barbarella had an HSV 1 outbreak.

Because he spanks it to this one Tiger!

Because it's my job, which is actually

Because it's unbeatable.

Behind the dumpster, quick!

Better fucking men than you.

Bowser builds a castle, he knows there's little

Break on through to the other side

Break on through to the other side

Break on through, break on through

Break their bodies!

Break their skulls!

But I don't know how to ride one of these

But I swab them all the same

But I'm not buying it, okay?

But if you're from the future,

But that is just...

But the clock is ticking

But there's nothing simple about it.

But we don't want you to leave

But yet he makes these giant green pipes

But you aren't.

But you might have an unhealthy obsession

But you're cleaning up after the people who are.

Can I please see a dinosaur?

Can I see a dinosaur?

Can we just take their clothes

Can...can I have it?

Can't be a coincidence.

Can't say the same for the rest of humanity.

Clearly it's not working

Come fight.

Come on, come on, come on, yes!

Come on, now, those are fucking good.

Come on, you little buddy boo.

Come take a walk with me.

Congratulations.

Cops, cops, cops.

Cops, cops, cops.

Couldn't see it.

Country in your eyes

Cum on my leg

Cumming on my leg.

Dad, you don't have to wake me up, okay?

Daddy?

Day to day, hour to hour

Deep and wide

Defended by a small army known as the Resistance.

Did you guys ever think that I'd be doing

Do a threat assessment and fight back.

Do what?

Do you have any useful skills?

Do you know how many soldiers we lost stealing this?

Do you mean Dr. Elias Kronish?

Do you think I like swabbing urethras?

Do your goddamn drugs somewhere else,

Doesn't fucking matter.

Doesn't that make you feel special?

Don't fucking touch it!

Don't look like you're from the future.

Don't touch my gobulator.

Don't, they are bikers

Dr. Benson.

Dr. Camillo, please, just give me a break.

Dude, you spank it to Tiger so much,

Earth 2162.

Eat a rat asshole, then say fucking "ew."

Enemy vehicle approaching.

Every day

Every day you walk into work,

Every time I go in there guns blazing,

Everybody get down!

Everything that happens in the Biotic Wars is real

Expecting a different result."

Expecting different results.

Filled with your piss so you don't have to stop playing?

Five and a half down.

For this hideous blemish.

Fuck it, it doesn't matter.

Fuck this place up!

Fuck, it's over.

Fuck.

Fucking hippie

Future Man.

Future Man.

Get beaten to death by his own family?

Get down, shh, shh.

Get him, Dad!

Get him, Mom!

Get ready to witness history.

Getting familiar.

Go as long

Go on, get a good look.

Go, go, go on.

Go, go, go!

God dammit, it's all over me!

Going back in time to 1969

Good men!

Got a good thing

Got a good thing

Got a good thing going, got a good thing going

Grandma, Grandma, it's me, Joshy.

Gross, Dad, come on.

Guess it depends on the urethra.

Guess what I did?

Have released a deadly virus

He has a dragon that shits eggs

He'll never become a scientist,

He's actually not a motherfucker

He's like this really sweet old man,

Head shot.

Heads on tables.

Heh, well then you're in the right place

Hello?

Help!

Here we are, again

Here we go, time to see his moves.

Here's some water for you.

Hey Carl.

Hey kid, I think you dropped this.

Hey, guys, check it out!

Hey, guys, check it out!

Hey, guys!

Hey, Josh, how are you?

Hey, just leave it!

Hey, Tiger.

Hey, what the fuck are you guys wearing?

Hey, what the fuck are you guys wearing?

Hey, you know what they say, keep your friends close,

Hey!

His way around a herpes culture.

Holy shit

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Homp, homp, homp.

Hoo, how long have you been in here, buddy?

How do you know that motherfucker's name?

How many people have beaten Call of Duty

How many people have beaten Halo?

I am moving around, getting familiar,

I am so glad you said that

I bet Luigi's dick, the whole dick is hairy.

I call fucking bullshit on that.

I can't keep doing the same thing again and again

I don't I don't understand.

I don't think that's a coincidence.

I found an island in your arms

I gotta try something different.

I have an alarm clock.

I have been studying this virus for over 40 years

I have been studying this virus for over 40 years

I have never made it this far with this many

I have risked way too much to get here.

I have to get to the lab.

I just got here, I've wanted this my entire life.

I know that you're upset

I know this is a lot for you to digest,

I know why.

I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

I lost everyone to get here.

I lost everyone to get here.

I love Italian dick.

I mean, actually, it's like some people

I mean, considering that I have a shitty job,

I mean, I think it goes without saying,

I mean, I'm not curing disease.

I mean, she's not my type.

I paid my only bitcoin for that!

I play this game because no one has beaten it.

I prefer Ms. Pac Man.

I said we're going to '69.

I suggest less tongue lashing

I take it you don't have delis in the future?

I was coming back for

I was conceived right upstairs in the same room

I was looking for a closer for my toast

I work with him.

I'd fire that jackass, but goddamn he knows

I'll never forget the night I contracted it.

I'm an adult, you don't have to make me pancakes!

I'm dead.

I'm fucking Pac Man's daughter

I'm gonna have to kill?

I'm not helping anybody by playing video games.

I'm really sorry, Stu.

I'm sorry, Dr. Kronish.

I'm sorry.

I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.

I'm Tiger, this is Wolf.

I'm your

I've been working on my slams.

I've never been in one before.

If this is gonna become one of those things

If we can get to Caltech

If you could just do a bunch of really cool shit

If you were as good at cleaning as you are at leering,

In our time, video games are training simulators

In real life?

In the country!

In your childhood home.

Is he gonna watch or..

Is that a subatomic sensor mine?

Is that an X28 Psychoblaster?

Is this part of your arsenal of weaponry?

Is what brings down all of mankind?

It is, and every time I come back with more

It smells bad.

It was the night of the moon landing.

It's a ridiculous game, it makes no sense at all.

It's a TTD, time travel device

It's a video game.

It's destiny.

It's either kill or be killed.

It's kind of beautiful.

It's literally hanging from the walls.

It's meant to be, he had big pipes.

It's more than just a game!

It's not real, it's just an escape.

It's not unhealthy.

It's okay, man, it's not your fault.

It's the exact same plot as the movie.

It's the, you know, '60s, it's...

It's time travel 101, you need to blend in.

It's what we're fighting here, the good fight.

It's why I became a scientist.

It's you.

It's your third favorite juice.

Italian plumbers that are trying to stop him,

Janitor Futterman to the executive restroom.

Josh, what's wrong?

Joshy!

Joshy!

Joshy?

Just get on

Just happens to be friends with the man

Just have to keep trying new formulas.

Just like Super Mario Bros.

Just shoving food into your dead fucking mouths!

Killing is wrong.

Killing nearly all of Earth's

Leads to a super cure for all diseases.

Leave it.

Leg shot!

Let's do this shit.

Let's do this, Skaarsgard.

Let's fuck this place up.

Let's go

Level 83.

Like a chicken, that's fucking dope.

Listen carefully.

Little Futterman in that same room.

Live as long

Living the dream.

Look at this, look at this shit

Look good with a bald head,

Look, buddy, I hate to tell you this,

Look, don't worry about it.

Look, I can probably still help out with the mission.

Look, I'll give it to you guys, all right?

Look, Luigi wouldn't last one day in the Biotic Wars.

Made the scene, week to week

Make it rain blood!

Make sure you don't fuck it up.

Maybe it's because I'm in heat.

Maybe you are the savior after all.

Maybe you could've warned me that beneath

Me personally, I've always wanted to fuck Luigi.

Mom!

More shits for you to plunge, buddy.

Move it!

Mrs. Pac Man, not Ms. Pac Man.

Ms. Pac Man is married to Mr. Pac Man.

Murder everyone!

My joystick!

Never seen so much food in my life.

Nice one.

Nice, X28 Psychoblaster.

Nine forward

No no no, no no no, stop.

No, because then she would be called

No, he's right, we can't do this without him

No, he's working on a cure for herpes.

No, how can it be a coincidence

No, I'm going to '69 with you too,

No, it's like purely escapism, recreation.

No, no, get out of here!

No, no, it's the complete opposite.

No, no, no, no, please, don't send me back!

No, no, no, no.

No, no, please don't.

No, we live in a sewer.

No, you can't because we don't even know

No.

No. No, it's it's It's apple juice.

Nope, they're all bad.

Nope.

Not thirsty, dude.

Nothing.

Now that's what I call a hole in one.

Now, off you go, swab, swab.

Now, they call it herpes simplex,

Now, what was I talking about?

Of something right now, man.

Of the entire human race and we were hoping

Oh

Oh my God, oh my God, tell me everything.

Oh my God, shit got real in there.

Oh shit, we need to change our clothes

Oh, come on.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, I can't work with this guy.

Oh, I'm hit!

Oh, my God, that guy's bone is sticking out.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no, no, go on.

Oh, no, yeah, not in our time.

Oh, no.

Oh, now, call me Elias.

Oh, oh shit.

Oh, shit, is he okay?

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, these little green logs are fucking amazing

Oh, we gave Dr. Yakamura a break to his collar bone

Oh, yeah

Oh, you should've been there.

Oh...no, don't, don't, don't.

Okay, even if that is true, you can't yell it at people

Okay, I don't have time for this,

Okay, I got it, I got it.

Okay, I'm gonna be the bigger man here

Okay, listen, listen!

Okay, okay, look, I know you're from the sewers

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, so it's Last Starfighter meets Quantum Leap now?

Okay, who put you up to this?

Okay, Wolf, I wasn't trying to cum on your leg, okay?

Okay, Wolf, I wasn't trying to cum on your leg, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

One

One day, I'm gonna find a cure

Only, what's his deal in all this?

Or be killed

Or BioShock?

Or the people that sacrificed their lives

Or what I've been through

Or would you rather watch your savior

Or you can fall on your face

Our first call, we've wanted this

Over here.

Ow, my ear!

Ow, stop!

Pick up and go

Please, don't hurt them.

Really, really important,

Relax

Right away, sir.

Rip his fucking dick off!

Run, you little fucker, run!

See, what did I tell you?

See, what did I tell you?

Seeking a cure.

Self destruct sequence activated.

Sent back in time to find the one person

She gets high

She gets high

She gets high

Shit.

Shouldn't you just know everything?

Since we were kids

Smash your joystick...again?

So actually the way the light's hitting it right now,

So brutal.

So that's not a water bottle

So you could fucking enlighten me about pickles?

Something else, you can do anything

Something happens that leads to the annihilation

Something more with my life?

Sorry doesn't re swab those urethras.

Sorry.

Stepped in my dreams

Stopping you from killing him.

Such dicks.

Thank you for that, Wolf.

Thanks, Dr. Kronish.

That cherry red lipstick,

That hone the skills of elite soldiers.

That is not true, I do not spank it to Tiger.

That is why I play it,

That lead right inside.

That sweet old man's research

That the only person who beats Biotic Wars

That was fast!

That you'd be the key to stopping Elias Kronish,

That's a clean break, double points

That's a signed authen Oh, my God!

That's a stupid name, it looks like a fucking iPad.

That's a true truth.

That's enough, Dr. Camillo.

That's how family works.

That's not gonna happen.

That's The Last Starfighter.

That's the whole reason he became a scientist,

That's where Dr. Kronish first gets herpes,

The Biotics control everything.

The Biotics, a super race immune to disease,

The Biotics, the wars, everything.

The custodial staff doesn't work for you,

The fuck?

The game is a recruitment and training tool

The gate is straight,

The guys in the video game store?

The human race is on the brink of extinction.

The moon landing party at Caltech.

The night of the moon landing?

The people injected with the cure,

The plates!

The same room you were conceived in.

The whole dick.

The year

Then why you sweating right now?

There is a...big problem.

There was a big party at the Pi Pi Gamma house

There's nothing special about that.

There's the shock.

They took all your limbs.

They work for me, as do you.

They're all fucking dead anyway.

They're called pickles.

They're gonna arrest us.

Think about it.

Thirteen forward

This is a Futterman house.

This is essentially Pac Man's daughter.

This is my childhood home,

This is real you're you're Tiger

This is real.

Those are the Biotics.

Those games suck, come on!

Three and a half down, 220 feet.

Time to grab a skull trophy.

To contract herpes.

To embody the skills of their online personas?

To get me here because I thought you

To save the world.

To segue into this, um, but there's actually

To trick me in a really, really mean way.

Uh, except I need another joystick.

Uh, guys, the cops.

Uh, I'm good at word jumbles,

Uh, you and me are gonna 69 right now?

Um, Sudoku.

Uncle Barry?

Under Pac Man's roof and she's gobbling my dick like

Unequip all gear

Unlike your job, which could be done by a Roomba.

Until we're even, then just go ahead,

Use your subatomic sensor mine.

Was two Italian plumbers that fit exactly in those pipes.

We all jerk it to video game people.

We are from your time!

We are not leaving without you.

We don't know how many we have.

We don't know that yet

We eat garbage and rats.

We gotta get out of here.

We're not in your room anymore.

We've always told you that.

We've come back from the year 2162.

Weapon upgrade, X28 Psychoblaster.

Weapons in my arsenal.

Welcome to the Resistance.

Welcome to the Resistance.

Well, actually, one of 'em was.

Well, at least it helped me take my mind off

Well, how about instead of us taking off our clothes,

Well, if you don't like it, you can always do

Well, it's like Einstein said,

Were the savior.

Wh what are you doing?

What about your video game?

What are you doing here, who are you people?

What are you doing sniffing around these parts?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you talking about, Joshy?

What do you mean, "What do you mean"?

What do you mean, what do you mean?

What the fuck are you doing, moron?

What the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck does it matter?

What the fuck happened in there?

What the fuck?!

What the heck?

What the hell?

What, do you expect me to believe you guys

What's a movie?

What's going on?

What's happening?

What's left of humanity hangs on by a thread,

What's that supposed to be?

When he slipped on your wet floor

When they're eating their matzo ball soup.

When's the last time this possum ejaculated?

Where I sleep with your mother.

Where like you can't forgive me and move on

Where the fuck to start.

Where's all my shit?

While you keep on dreaming, you kids,

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who destroys the human race?

Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Whoa, thank you.

Why would anybody play video games

Why would I want to beat a game that everyone can beat?

Why you still playing that stupid game?

Why?

With the skills to save us.

With this video game

Wolf, fire up the TTD, we're sending him back

Wolf, it's just a little cum.

Wolf!

Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Would you like to load previous game, Future Man?

Yeah, and literally anybody could do that job.

Yeah, but not one that makes you pancakes.

Yeah, crush his nuts.

Yeah, have fun saving the world.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, they always do.

Yeah, yeah, no, I know, I just I'm in the middle

Yeah, you have, but it's not true.

Yeah, your game is literally unbeatable.

Yeah.

Yes, I would.

Yes, yes, okay.

You always die on, right?

You are a shitty janitor.

You are needed in the executive restroom.

You are nothing like the man I thought

You are the savior.

You barely touched your salmon.

You can't even be

You don't know what I am

You get tired, but you get started

You have defeated all of the Biotics

You heard her, Wolf.

You just obviously researched my love of video games

You know the day destroys the night

You know you're surrounded by cleaning supplies, right?

You mind if I use that?

You must go on your way

You never had a problem with killing in our simulator.

You parched, you want a sip?

You set your mind to.

You should be encouraging me to get out of the house!

You spazz out playing Biotic Wars?

You take off yours,

You want me to jump in now?

You work for one of the top sexual disease centers

You, give me your clothes.

You'd be a pretty good janitor.

You're all fucking dead, you're all dead!

You're breaking and entering right now.

You're curing disease.

You're gonna help us save the world.

You're our newest recruit.

You're safe now.

You're so thirsty right now,

You're telling me that a cure for herpes

You're terrific actors,

You're the best at it, right?

You're the first and only person to have beaten the game.

You've nothing to offer.

Your games suck.

Your kids are dead!

Your kids are fine, everybody's fine.

Your right hand should be called Siegfried, man.

Your shit's not here.

40 billion inhabitants.

Break, break I traveled...in time

and you love apple juice. Not that much.

Blow 'em back to hell. Yeah, hoo!

But you're Future Man. In the video game.

but your enemies on your lip. Hmmm.

Calm down. More logs!

Destiny?! That's how you know

Ew. Yeah, no fucking shit.

Future Man. Joshy?

Get out of my house! It's my house too.

Go, go, go, go, go! Two.

Go, go, go! Four.

Head shot! Head shot!

Here you go. Thank you.

Hmm. That is an historic moment

Hoo, 83. 83?

How you doing? I'm doing good,

I live for blood! Hey, Josh.

I'm Future Man. Joshy.

It's a lot of cum! Wolf!

Kill 'em all! To the left, to the left!

Look at this monstrosity. Oh, no, it's not that bad.

Man, no, no, no! She gets high

Mom! Calm down!

No, I'm Future Man. Joshy!

No, no, no, she's Grandma, you're dead.

No, no, no. So hope you have

Nope. Things are about to get real

Oh my God. Five.

Oh, fuck! What the fuck are you doing?

Oh, my God, go! Three.

Oh, yeah, it's all you. What's your name again?

On your Mine.

Out to get snacks. And explore!

Stop it, we need him. Do we?

That makes no sense. No, 'cause it's destiny.

Three hours, sir. Perfect.

Uh, Futterman. Futterman.

Uh, herpes. Oh, yes, of course.

We're going to '69. Beg your pardon?

Why can't you fight? Why can't I fight?

Why don't you take a sip? 'Cause I'm not thirsty.

Why? Do I really have to say this?

Yep, yep. That's the one

Yep. This is life or death.

Yes, are you ready? Okay.

Yes! Level completed.

Yo! Hey, Futterman!

You little girl, dead! No, no, no, you're not dead.

You're a warrior. No, I'm not.

You're fucking dead. You're okay, you're okay.

Your babies are dead. She's having a bad trip

'cause I did not have a graceful way

'cause I'm in heat also

'Cause it's piss.

'Cause this isn't a game anymore.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over