Eastbound & Down (2009) - Season 2 Edit

A birthday party? How old are you gonna be?

A famous baseball player in the familia.

A fucking pussy doctor! Ha ha ha.

A little beat up but still a classic.

A lying, cheating, backstabbing gigolo.

A man ought to get a reward

After mastering the art of agriculture...

Ah, no harm, no foul, Pop

All right, house rules: No jerking each other off.

All right, let's saddle up and blaze these ponies.

All right, strap in. Put your helmets on, little ladies.

All right. Good night, son.

Almost like you never abandoned me and I've always been part of your family.

Also, Casper here is available...

And friends with faggots.

And how are all you fine people today?

And my new girlfriend fed her pussy to the owner of the baseball team I just quit.

And now I realize that what I did was not right.

And they might be someone that you find is in your bloodline.

April and Cutler are not married.

Asshole.

Because I love you, Dad.

Beneath me?

Bitch. You're out here talking to Maria?

Bought it with an advance that I was paid for this...

Boys, I'm sorry there's no room at the inn.

But for some reason, it just feels normal to say it to you, Pop. I like it.

But you got your own money. I can relax around you.

Casper don't talk much.

Casper, I'm not letting anything stand in the way of me bonding with that man...

Cheeseburgers in paradise.

Crazy.

Distant and as brown as their skin may be, they still are a part of you.

Do you wanna tell me something, son?

Do you want me to come in there and mediate for you, or I could help...?

Does the pope blow little kids? Ha ha ha.

Don't give him anymore of that shit.

Don't worry about the money. You just buy it.

Emerald.

Everybody ready to have some fun?

Fifteen

Fine, I'll just go back here in Mexican jail.

Fine, I'll just go back here in Mexican jail.

For real or are you just sorry because Soledad's making you?

Fuck.

Fucking snitch.

Get a job at Dirt Diablos giving ATV tours. Who knows?

Getting high as hell in Mexico.

Goddamn it

Goddamn it! No, I ain't going. Okay, I'm coming. Fuck.

Goddamn, that would be awesome.

Goddamn, that's impressive

Goddamn.

Good. Kenny, isn't it about time...

Got holes like this all over my grounds.

Ha, ha. I'm just dicking with you, Kenny.

Ha. Well, that's not what your pussy doctor says.

Have you ever climbed to the top of a mountain..

Haven't you guys ever heard of Montezuma's revenge?

He doesn't own the company, I do.

He's in the car.

He's married to you and owns a successful ATV tour company.

He's my assistant.

He's my what?

He's rolling through Mexico with the Harlem Globetrotters.

Heh. Basically living the dream life, huh?

Heh. Why? Because you wear the pants in the family and own the ATV company?

Hello, Kenny.

Here I am living with all these regrets...

Here I grow up a whole entire world away from you...

Here my father gives us a home to sleep in...

Here, after all this time...

Hey, how's shit going over there at the kids table?

Hey, how's the bonding going, big guy?

Hey, thanks for showing us a good time today...

Hi, this is April.

His dead assistant.

His lazy ass has been mooching off my tit for years.

Hm. So not only did he fucking sell me out to the Federales...

Honestly, I can't say I blame you.

How'd you find me, son?

Huh.

I believe you gotta do what you feel in the moment.

I came here looking for guidance from you, instead you intentionally fucked me.

I can arrange to have your friend freed as well.

I can't believe you'd lie about that.

I can't compete with you on a car level, that's true. But then...

I can't wait to suck

I could sit here and just talk about love all goddamn day.

I don't fuck with the devil...

I don't give a shit about your party, all right?

I don't know why you came to find him. You don't wanna end up like him.

I don't know. Maybe to bury your shit like a cat. Heh.

I don't really got shit going on back in Copales.

I don't see how that would be helpful. I would like you just to post up out here.

I don't think I wanna be like you anymore.

I don't understand why you fucking lied.

I don't usually say "love" to other dudes.

I figured you did.

I got a full day of outdoing Casper and bonding with my father.

I got so much income, I'm having to hide all the shit outside the house.

I got two hard rules I live by, Pop.

I gotta take a piss.

I had no idea.

I have a question. Um, are we going to be staying here for dinner...

I honestly feel so confident and just fucking bold and right...

I intend to enjoy myself.

I just don't know where it all went wrong.

I just had to come out here for a timeout.

I kind of feel like this is how I was always meant to live.

I know that it hurts a lot.

I know these helmets make you look like a puss, but trust me...

I lied to you. I lied to you and I'm sorry.

I mean, he doesn't seem so bad.

I pretty much saved my pennies from my major league days.

I started digging this when I saw you pull up.

I stole homeboy's car...

I think it's just more rude of Casper to not offer his bed to guests, but whatever.

I think you gotta do exactly what you wanna do, no matter what.

I thought we could start our own life here...

I used to grow enough crops to completely sustain myself.

I wasn't sure about Steven there, but to be honest...

I'd like that. Yeah.

I'm a professional baseball player. You probably have heard of me.

I'm about to show you all the beauty...

I'm coming for you.

I'm disappointed you would lie to me.

I'm gonna fuck you up.

I'm just feeling kind of oddly energetic just looking at the two of you.

I'm just making some shit for my fucking house party next week.

I'm more just fucking mad. I should have saw this coming.

I'm not home right now, but leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

I'm not saying this from a personal experience. Just in general..

I'm not sure why he's lying about me working for the Harlem Globetrotters.

I'm sorry I turned you over to the cops.

I'm the one that made the call. Code name Emerald.

I'm the only one knows where they're at.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately...

I've found my place, Stevie.

If I found out I had a half black brother...

If you don't like it, you can leave.

If you guys knew how to boil meat or grill it...

If you wanna buy something that you like, buy it.

If you want to stick around.

Invested a lot of it very wisely...

It just kind of seems like if there was somebody in my life...

It sucks.

It was wrong

It's been real nice having you here.

It's just like, you know, I'm seriously into Jet Skis...

It's just that when I came down here, I missed you so much that I thought...

It's time I take my dad's advice:

Jet Skis are fun, sure. But for me...

Just know that if you want to cry...

Just smoking herb and riding around on recreational vehicles.

Just so you know...

Keep an eye on the whip. Make sure none of the villagers try to fuck with it.

Keep the lines clear. I need concentration. The most important moment of my life.

Kenny, how long are we gonna stay here?

Kenny, I have something to tell you and I am scared to tell you this, but...

Kenny, you cannot stay here.

Kenny, your dad is cool and all, but you're not like him.

Kenny.

Let's just cut through the Mexican red tape right now.

Look, I have never understood...

Love the feel of the breeze on my dick

Love, love this. Love smoking weed...

Man, oh, man.

Man, our bond is just making so much sense to me now, man.

Man, you got me there. I have not.

Maybe I'll just live here.

Maybe it's something in our blood that we can just get hard...

Me and him are exactly the same except, you know, I have talent.

Nah, I think we're good.

No, Stevie, we're not gonna fucking walk.

No, that's a good rule.

No. No, you cannot do that.

Nope it's not. Not for you to do it, it's not. Give that to me. Thank you.

Not bad.

Not tonight, Stevie. Not tonight.

Now don't take it personally, son. It's just Mexico.

Now my bladder is el empty o.

Now, don't do anything stupid.

Now, keep in mind this is just our summer home.

Oh, fuck off!

Oh, God. You hit me.

Oh, hell no. Kenny, you can't be running around...

Oh, I have my resources.

Oh, it's still going on.

Oh, Kenny.

Oh, no, heh. Eduardo doesn't like to talk about his past.

Oh, well, nice to meet you. Are you staying for dinner, then?

Oh, who the fuck is this? Oh, the cops are coming for real? Shit.

Oh, wow.

Oh, you fucking... Oh, jackals. Fuck. Okay, I'm in.

Oh.

Okay, honey puss, take a break.

Okay. I am sorry that your brother is Navajo.

On your asshole.

Ooh, you guys are bad.

Ooh.

Or because you're fucking lying?

Please don't make me put a time limit on all this emotional discovery.

Pops getting stoned like a 14 year old.

Powers.

Running around Mexico talking about how you wanna get back in the majors.

Same old Kenny. Ten pounds of shit...

Scared thinking the fucking cops are coming. Ha ha ha!

Seems like you've had things pretty good here...

She blew my cover, huh?

She keeps me on time and I keep her moist in her underpants.

Sitting here getting your goddamn hooks in Pop.

So are we just gonna walk?

So please just go back to sleep on your hay bed...

So we're not much for bragging, Eduardo?

Soledad.

Somebody I want you to meet.

Someday maybe we'll take that ride.

Someone paid your bail.

Someone paid your bail.

Stevie, I'm not sad, dude.

Stevie, I'm not sad, dude.

Stevie, just go to sleep. Go to sleep.

Stevie, you don't think I fucking know all this? I know it's not ideal, man...

Stop looking at me shit! Stop it!

Stop thinking about other people, start thinking about me for once.

Suddenly everyone isn't an obstacle, just some people are.

Take it easy, old man.

Take your pictures. Five bucks a pop.

Tell me a story, Kenny.

Thank you, Pop.

Thank you. All right

That woman can't make me do shit.

That your car?

That's a pretty cool dude thing of you to say.

That's cool. I mean...

That's not what I am. I'm his son.

That's not what I'm saying.

That's something that's, you know, not really on my docket of shit to do.

That's where I do my inventing.

That's why I have a plane and also a boat.

The good thing about getting over depression is...

The love of my life married some other dude.

The old Powers men tag team and a couple of she devils.

These two are the bandidos

They're in remote storage next to my grottos.

Think again.

This is crazy as shit.

This is my father's estate. We do have to obey his policies.

This is my getting around town ride.

This is my workspace and I don't want you spraying all over...

This is Soledad, my wife

This is some heavy shit you're dropping on me.

This isn't over with me and you, dude.

This makes so much sense.

This old thing? You bet your ass. I paid cash for the motherfucker.

Those two are fugitives. I turned them in.

To the moment. Ha ha ha.

Truth be told, things aren't going as good for me...

Turns out I got a stepmom and a fucking Navajo half brother.

Uh, cash only please. Thank you.

Uh, could you pay to have me freed too?

Uh, sorry, house rules. No butt huggers.

Uh, this is Kenneth, a stranger I met in town.

Um, I was just calling... I...

Unbelievable!

We sure did.

We'll stop here for a little siesta.

We're family. I will not judge you.

Welcome to the club.

Well, all right.

Well, first off on the tour, I'll show you my barn

Well, it looks like we found what we were looking for.

Well, it's hard to say, Stevie.

Well, maybe I'll see you in hell, then.

Well, there you are. My two boys.

Well, unfortunately for you, all that shit ends today.

Well, we know where that one's at.

Well, where is he?

Well, you know how it is. You start pulling on a little thread...

Well, you know what?

Well?

What a fucking mess everything's become.

What a motherfucker.

What are you coming back at me all high and mighty?

What are you making, a piñata penis pump?

What the fuck did you just say?

What? I am obviously a man, sir.

What's up?

Where are you going?

Where'd everybody go?

Who's this nerd?

Whoa, back that ass up.

Whoo! Cheeseburger in paradise.

Why are you acting weird? What do you have in your pocket?

Why are you shitting in the prison, Stevie?

Why do you think I'm digging this hole?

Why the fuck are you always trying to horn in on my moments?

Woo hoo hoo hoo!

Wrong a second time. This is a fake hole.

Yeah, he's my kid from up in the States.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.

Yeah, I've actually had multiple orgasms on Jet Skis.

Yeah, in time. I want answers first.

Yeah, maybe just tell me if I'm messing up by turning my back on baseball.

Yeah, my getting around town ride is a Lambo...

Yeah, obviously. He doesn't like using his real name either.

Yeah, right. Nope, it's over, Stevie.

Yeah, this'll be good.

Yeah, well, that one's your brother.

Yeah, y'all both came out of this old man's jizz.

Yeah, you bet your ass she did, and I'm glad she did.

Yeah, you're right. Go home, Eduardo. We'll get it from here.

You and your stupid fucking hat.

You can still get her back.

You can take in the scenery or go for a swim if you like.

You cocksucker. You betrayed me?

You cocky ass motherfucker. You think you're gonna win, huh?

You gents ever hit this shit?

You gotta trust in your feelings.

You have wings and a ship?

You know, I individually own the largest fleet of non occupational ATVs...

You know, when you first showed up, I gotta admit my first thought was:

You mean like fatherly advice?

You seem a little distracted from our pinnacle father son bonding moment here.

You should put your money in the bank...

You're a baseball player, huh?

You're fucking kidding, right?

You're living a lie, son.

You're no angel. You think what you're doing down here is any different?

You're supposed to be on a baseball field surrounded by millions of people.

Your daddy's a real motherfucker.

But you don't have to. I know, but it just... I don't know.

Did you piss? Yes, I did.

Dirt Diablos is beneath me? Yes.

Don't know. They just left you in here alone...

Everything cool? Yeah. No, I just thought I heard something.

Fuck it. Ha, ha. Fuck it.

Get her back? Yeah.

Good luck. Be quiet. Thank you.

Good night, Pop. Good night, Mr. Powers.

Got you. Yeah, Stevie?

Great. Awesome.

Ha ha ha. Yup, this is the spot.

He's a poon. A poon or not...

Heh. Says who? It's beneath you.

Home. Can we give you a lift?

How fucked up would that be? Ha ha ha. Mm, very nasty.

How fucking badass is he? Fuck, man.

I bullshitted you, Pop. What are you talking about?

I deserved it. Yes, you did, Stevie.

I do paperwork. Oh, you do?

I just haven't never done that before. I think it's okay for men to have feelings...

I think it's okay. No.

I'd love to. Let's go.

I'm talking to my mom. Fuck your mom.

It feels better that way. It does.

Just post up? Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Maria? No.

Me too. That would be very upsetting.

Oh, shit, shit, shit. Oh.

Oh, shit! Where do I go to pick up the bounty?

Oh, you like to party? It's a birthday party.

Oh, you're getting a little fucking paranoid? Yeah.

Oh. Casper. Huh?

Okay, I'm going back in right now. Okay.

So you're rich, huh? Oh, yeah.

Steven, go to sleep! Kenny... Kenny, I lied.

There is no bounty. Oh, now that's bullshit.

Uh, my pockets? Other pocket.

What do you keep hiding? Just my phone.

Yeah! I know she is. Ha ha ha.

Yes, he is. Goddamn it.

You paid to have me freed? Mm hm.

You rich too? I'm rich enough.

You stole that Lambo? Mm hm.

You'll never get across the river. So you're saying I did the right thing...

Yup. If you wanna have sex with a girl...

...about all my decisions and actions now.

...all my inventions. We won't, Mr. Powers.

...and a warm comfortable bed, and you insult the life...

...and end up exactly like you:

...and get some rest.

...and I appreciate all that advice. I look forward to more tomorrow.

...and I never do tag teams with blood relatives.

...and now I'm probably a wanted fucking fugitive.

...and seeing how well me and you are reconnecting...

...and the experience they offer is very similar to the ATVs...

...and the next thing you know, you just fucked up the entire shirt.

...as company photographer.

...as I let on to believe.

...because somebody could come in here with a metal detector...

...being on the back of a TRX or a Yamaha Grizzly...

...but he also is lying about his entire deal here in Mexico?

...but right now it's the fucking best option I have.

...but that sometimes they do express.

...but you already knew that.

...but you're saying I'm good. You're good.

...by running away from all my problems?

...do you understand me? You wanna come to my party?

...doing some arts and crafts and shit?

...flying on planes, fixing up old cars, eating veggies...

...from riding fucking badass, you know, terrain vehicles and watercrafts.

...have sex with her. You wanna leave the condom off, go for it.

...he worked so hard to build outside of my family.

...honestly, I feel like most teens these days talk too much anyway. Heh.

...I was thinking about sticking around here for a while.

...I'm planning on leaving him.

...I'm still kind of up in the air about what gender he really is.

...I've grown bored with it, hence its neglect.

...I've never been much for the open road. Ha, ha. Of course.

...if you find someone you don't like in your family...

...in a 5 pound bag.

...in a non resort area in south Mexico.

...in stocks, bonds, famous works of arts.

...in these hospitals to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

...it is perfectly okay to fuck them over.

...it just makes my dick hard.

...on a Jet Ski?

...only one of us has an assistant...

...or a whole black brother, I would be very upset.

...or are we going to be going back for dinner?

...or something and... Who's the poon?

...some awesome advice right now, it might help.

...sucking down Goya beans.

...that they don't want to express a lot...

...the love between a man and a woman before until I met Maria.

...thinking I wronged all these people and ruined my life...

...this shit wouldn't be happening.

...two journeymen, father and son. Thank you.

...uh, self help novel I'm about to have published onto the Oprah's Book Clubs.

...unless of course yours is buried in one of these gopher holes. Ha ha ha.

...unspoiled nature that is Mexico.

...well, you can start to see your enemies more clearly.

...where we were just two outlaws that are just like friends and doing great...

...who I really trusted and they could give me...

...worrying about every goddamn bridge you burn.

...you can and I will not judge you.

...you do not wanna rely on these quacks here...

...you know, except that it's on water

...you saw how the old man plies his trade?

"Goddamn, is he gonna ask me for some money?" Heh.