What We Do in the Shadows (2019) - Season 1 Edit

A a different type of car wash,

A Again, you know, it, uh... it's "Jeff."

A American citizen.

A big turkey just walking around

A big, bloody stupid curse on it.

A bit creative and come and rescue you

A cool and powerful vampire.

A farrier deals with equine foot care.

A few hours ago, my life was normal,

A few hundred years ago,

A friend.

A gentleman caller?

A lab tested it.

A little bit yummy scrummy bummy

A little microphone, it's got a got a ring around it.

A lot of paint.

A lot of prejudice against vampires at that time.

A lot of these buildings are, uh, are taverns,

A lot of things happen

A lot of things happen

A lovely bloody nap up there! I hope he's resting well!

A new and exciting medium was invented,

A nice little bitch being led on a leash

A night on the town?

A psychic vampire.

A rider approaches.

A room at the end of the hallway

A thicket of trees tangled him up, and then he landed

A thousand years.

A total ban on turtlenecks.

A vampire only television channel.

A van?

A very charming member of the vampire royalty.

A while back, the Baron and I

Aah, my burns!

Aah!

Aah! (gasping)

Aah! (hissing)

Abbadon, Empusa.

Abbadon, watch. Are you watching?

About 200 years ago because there was

About a damn thing. (kisses)

About all these vampires, and they slowly spiral out

About that um...

About the changes I was going through.

Absolutely agree.

Absolutely not. At least think of a different name.

Accidentally Kill the Baron.

Accused of what, you may ask.

Acrobatic stuff, you might say.

Actual v. Budget, year to date, no thanks.

Actually, it looks like it's a moot point.

Actually, it's from there to there.

Actually, yes.

Adieu.

After a poor orgy.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Agreed?

Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.

Ah, I don't know.

Ah, see what you've done. Ruined her confidence. (hisses)

Ah, thank you. Mm.

Ah, there you are.

Ah.

Ah. (laughs)

Ah. Dinner is served.

Ah...

Ah...

Al Quolanudar!

Al Quolanudar.

Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262.

Al Quolanudar... Shit.

All 37 of them.

All element of surprise,

All I ever wanted was a child of my own.

All local churches to destroy their crucifixes.

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.

All new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.

All new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.

All new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.

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All new, Tuesday at 10:00, only on FX.

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All new. Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.

All of my knowledge and the best of my abilities

All of our meats are actually freshly sliced.

All right there, Constantin?

All right, all right, you've made your point. Get off me.

All right, all right. I'm going.

All right, Big Vlad, light me up.

All right, I I can feel

All right, I think you need to calm down, my beauty.

All right, let's do it the fast way.

All right, Sean.

All right, you've made yourpoint. Let's call this a night.

All right? It's not an ethnic thing.

All right. Moving on.

All right. Night, fellas.

All right. What say we retire to our bedchamber

All secret meetings take place in the fancy room.

All the Panera Bread you can eat.

All the things they just said.

All this walking and walking and walking, Guillermo,

Also known as the hunting ground.

Also, can he even die?

Alt right or Antifa?

Always there.

Always wearing that hat and thinking,

Am I devious?

Am I gonna feel like crap for all eternity?

Am very much looking forward to reconnecting.

Amalta, Mischa, Jameson.

America's first gay president.

An amazing experience

An Hispanic vampire

And a couple speakers playing, uh,

And absorbent towels. Lots of them.

And again and again and again.

And also Ashley's street.

And also intercourse.

And ancient vampire move into the house, and it's

And another cool thing is, you can find out

And as a sign of respect, we have decided to bury you

And being turned into barbecue meat.

And birth control with my oldest.

And birth control with my oldest.

And by that, I mean the nude.

And by then, I'll be 100% healed.

And by then, I'll be 100% healed.

And destroy them.

And don't have driver's licenses,

And every time he comes back, our love is reignited

And every time you wear it,

And flush it seven times.

And follow me.

And for our good vampire names to go down in history

And for our next mystery...

And form a power alliance with the Manhattan vampires

And he eventually turns you into a, uh, a vampire?

And he is very big, wide man,

And he just rereleased it into the wild.

And he never repeats what he said.

And he very quickly became

And he was only 107, which...

And he's become a massive prick.

And he's drunk the drunk man's blood

And he's now caged and inside the animal shelter.

And here we have the pièce de résistance,

And how are we going to do that?

And how would you like me to answer that, Philip?

And I am what's known as

And I am...

And I can even sense one behind me.

And I cannot do certain things, like eat human food

And I cut your head off.

And I deeply apologize for the StairMaster.

And I don't believe for one minute

And I played the leading role

And I realize I'm actually surrounded by chaps.

And I said, "If he can do it, I I...

And I said, "Kill that fucking bitch, please, Laszlo."

And I said, "NyQuil? Don't you mean DayQuil?

And I says to myself, "Colin, you should go in

And I think "Well, you haven't lost your senses of humor."

And I thought Mike threw a bad orgy.

And I thought, "Who the hell is that?

And I was not going to come to this orgy this evening

And I was not going to come to this orgy this evening

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

And I will hang your entrails

And I will help?

And I wish I'd made love more.

And I would like very much to read it to you.

And I would say, "No.

And I, myself, did contract leprosy,

And I'll be the government official.

And I'll... I'll try to see if I can find someone

And I'm glad to see your foot injury

And I'm noting it.

And I'm really depressed about it.

And I've lost my appetite.

And I've never stayed up this late.

And if I ever have a human in here,

And if we could hit Mister 50s, maybe he could help,

And if you don't wear a cape,

And if you were there at the time,

And in some cases, a couple of friendly wolves.

And in the morning, you're like,

And in this life, he is called Jep...

And it is in these moments of dissatisfaction

And it is unacceptable.

And it's lonely, but I'm also awake

And it's so bloody boring.

And just breathe in the sea air and seduce and kill sailors.

And killing and torturing,

And left it in the Bronx.

And let the darkness in.

And look who's next to you.

And make this place my home!

And may I say you are a credit

And my identity was stolen.

And my master's

And my Uncle Jeff, but also Grandpa Jeff,

And never darken our doorstep again.

And now everything I thought I knew was real

And now he has a big castle and he is really successful...

And now I am a wizard.

And now I see you in your capes,

And now that bit is done.

And now there's lots of dogs going in my house.

And now we come...

And of course, Count Rapula.

And one more year as my familiar.

And only death awaits.

And part of Ashley Street, he's going to kill us.

And pushed itright through his stupid heart.

And put it into a semen spell.

And row towards freedom.

And rub it into me while he ravished me.

And she was clawing at the glass.

And skin sensitivity.

And slip into some informal evening wear?

And so it begins. Have you chosen your champion?

And some real, pure opium. About ten kilos.

And sorry about the camera crew at the bottom of the well.

And sucking at the back of my head?

And tell me how you do that.

And thanks to your little helper, they know about it.

And that medium was called "cinema."

And that was just an example. I wanted you to see that.

And that's fair enough, really. But now what do I have?

And that's the stuff that he tells me I like.

And the bar on the ground floor below my apartment...

And the best way to handle this...

And the council... is mine.

And the expenses have entirely wiped my savings.

And the name is Van Helsing.

And the Peabody, and we'd drink some very nice blood

And then do that.

And then fight to the death.

And then I ended up getting some oles olescoleum.

And then I'd kill myself.

And then I'll be right back.

And then let the other three go.

And then the sun came in and...

And then the sun can't hit you.

And then they get stuck in this real complacency.

And then we sold the meat for money.

And then we would bite at each other to get it.

And then we would climb up to the top deck

And then we'll go have a look in the back for you.

And then you can become my familiar.

And then you get where we are now.

And then you said, "Oh, I'm gonna say something."

And then, about a week later,

And then, one night, everything changed.

And then, this morning,

And there you'll be put on trial.

And there's a bus stop outside the house.

And these are our serious faces.

And these dark rages that overtake me,

And they are too ashamed

And they get into the nooks and crannies, so...

And they just tell me "yes," and they don't really listen

And they locked you in this closet?

And this is your country.

And this owl flew over and scratched my head,

And thus making me a bloodthirsty

And thus, your never ending journey begins.

And to cry myself to sleep at night

And told us to come here to what, just piss on everything?

And took my life.

And tremendous remorse

And vampirey and reckless.

And we are the only kind of vampire

And we are truly sorry,

And we could fly ahead and meet you there, Colin Robinson.

And we do s stuff.

And we got up to some very messy business together.

And we would do the Charleston

And we'd very much love to extend an invitation.

And we'll just stand here?

And we're here.

And we're taking this very seriously.

And what a way to die.

And what about the virgins? Have you got any yet? No.

And what kind of vibe are are you going for?

And what's the deal with pagers?

And when he finds out thatwe've just conquered our street

And when I do get sick,

And when I say get rid of him,

And when I was the leader of my country,

And when the donkey dung ran out,

And where is that?

And who do we have here?

And with good reason.

And witness the hellscape that is our destiny!

And women I have loved.

And you are just a fresh baby

And you deserve it. Two years of service.

And you drive back to the Amazon.

And you eliminate...

And you have not conquered the New World.

And you know them,

And you know what? It's becausethey named him Jeps. Jeff.

And you will do a shit on all of their graves.

And you will respect women a lot more after this, okay?

And you will undo your latch

And you would bring...

And you're also very easy on the eye.

And your bones turn to dust!

And, like, I...

And, of course, The Silent One.

And, uh, all the vampires' eyes just lit up

And, uh, just so you know, I am feeding on you guys right now.

And, uh, see if they have any umbrellas for the well."

And, uh, those don't look like cars, so...

And, um, I've managed to find a group

And, you know, science says

And, you know, there's only so many times

And, you, my darling, won't remember a thing

And...

ANGE: Mind where you're walking.

ANGE: No, Toby!

ANGE: Yeah. We had the piss.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Baskets.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon.

ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon.

ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon. All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon. All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon. All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon. All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: In space, no one can hear you sc

ANNOUNCER: In space, no one can hear you sc

ANNOUNCER: In space, no one can hear you sc

ANNOUNCER: In space, no one can hear you sc

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows,

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows,

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows,

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows,

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows.

ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst. The final season.

Another 5,000 times!

Any human left in them.

Anyway, obviously I invited her in.

Anyway, one night,

Anyway, you take care, okay?

Apparently, there is a very active trade

Are gathered here in accordancewith the ancient...

Are immune to hypnotism.

Are over.

Are really, really big, and other dogs

Are the cameras with you?

Are the vampires I have chosen to stay with.

Are the vampires I have chosen to stay with.

Are they a vampire LARP group?

Are those little dogshits not giving you

Are we having a house meeting?

Are you a junior? Are you a senior?

Are you currently adjoined to any other vampires?

Are you enjoying your drink?

Are you enjoying your drink?!

Are you going to punish your worst enemy?

Are you guys sure it was him?

Are you okay?

Are you role playing as a depressed man?

Are you trying to kill me?

Are you virgins?

Aren't we all, though? A little bit?

Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

ARJAN: I'll stay with Toby. He's gonna be fine.

ARJAN: It looks... honestly, it looks better than it did

ARJAN:This is what I'm talking about.

ARNIE: Oh, my God.

ARNIE: What did he say?

Arnie. You know,I was thinking about the whole,

Arnie. You're gonna kill me, but I think I am going to

Arnie. You're gonna kill me, but I think I am going to

As a joke. Nothing more.

As a mixed use or multiple dwelling structure..

As an advocate of the old ways,

As another heroic figure.

As bold as brass.

As he's a human being.

As stimulating as it is,

As you rot

At a strange time in my life.

At a wooden stake sale at the garden center.

At last.

At least six months to recover from any orgy.

At least six pairs of grandparents die.

At least we have the virgins.

At least, our families have.

At the hip. Not by choice,

At the Temple of Blood Devourers.

Atop the Carpathian Mountains.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Please take the ticket.

Aw. Crazy knight in...

Aw...

Aye.

Back home in my village, I had many strikes against me.

Back in 1992.

Back in the saddle.

Bad luck is approaching.

Bah. You are weak.

BARBARA: Mr. Robinson, are you here?

BARBARA: Mr. Robinson? You're next up.

BARBARA: Thank you, Mr. Robinson.

BARBARA: This was a clear and direct threat

Baron Afanas, also known as The Undying One.

Baron, such a wonderful, filthy times

Baron, we are here.

BARON: ♪ It is the time♪

BARON: It's just hard.

BARON: Let us see, what to drink.

BARON: Look at this... wait.

BARON: Oh, I am proud of you.

BARON: We will fill this place

BARON: What have I become?

BARON: Where is next?

BARON: You know...

Baron.

BARON'S FAMILIAR: Earlier,

Barren, B A R R E N.

Barry.

Bat!

Bat!

Bat!

Bat!

Bat.

Bat.

Bathed and washed.

Bats full of shame.

Be Bop A Lube a, yeah.

Be careful you don't get pfft. (groans)

Be careful.

Be down in a minute, sire.

Be good.

Be participating in the orgy, no.

Be strong, sweet little one.

Beautiful.

Because he wants to know howmuch of America we've conquered.

Because he was doing that thing where he pays a lot of attention

Because I am too foreign and you are too boring.

Because I cannot sire offspring

Because I just never relent.

Because I really loved 35 of them.

Because I've always done it, I guess?

Because if you do, you will

Because Laszlo will spray all over the carpet.

Because one of our brothers has passed from this world.

Because that would be a very big blow to his family.

Because that's... that's the stuff he likes,

Because then you're gonna fall asleep."

Because they know she does

Because this is a secret meeting.

Because we were absolutely

Because, you know, otherwise, ouch.

Been really good to me lately.

Before I say something I'm gonna regret.

Before moving on to a next one, okay?

Before putting us in here.

Before this historic and memorable moment.

Begin this very evening!

Begone.

Behind bushes.

Behold the great Gregor the archer.

Believe it or not, CrossFit gyms are full of virgins.

Besides, I I don't, uh, I don't kiss and tell.

Better if he dies

Between all my brothers and sisters.

Betwixt my two favorite vaginas:

Bickering like a couple of ninnies.

Biff, I I think my dog might be autistic,

Biff, I just need to talk to you, please.

Biff, just a second, Biff.

BIFF: Can this wait till we get out of the bathroom?

BIFF: I'm not feeling well. I I... I feel really weak.

Biff! Hey.

Big Vlad, my bow.

Big Vlad, right behind you, has a machete.

Bit stiff.

Bitch kicked me out again. Can you believe it?

BLONDE: Shut up and get over here.

Bloodsucking creature of the shadows.

Bloody hell, he's wearing two ruffs.

BOBBY: This guy looks like a little English guy.

Boot on.

Boring?

Born with his eyeballs facing backwards.

Borough council related, I have regular office hours.

Both of you, for some reason, aren't registering here.

BOTH: Can we come in?

BOTH: Ooh...

BOTH: We're feeding right now.

Bridge was a nightmare.

Bring this place to its knees.

Burst into a boiling ball of flame.

But actually, no one focuses on the "walker" part.

But are you gonna do a...

But as the old saying goes,

But as you can see,

But because they would literally, um, use hot glue.

But give him an ax, and he's second to none.

But he's not real, so...

But here, I am a very high level paladin.

But I am punctured...

But I can tell you, (chuckles)

But I can't be around us any anymore.

But I can't seem to stay away from new Gregor.

But I couldn't pay attention,

But I don't remember him ever mentioning it.

But I don't think this is healthy.

But I don't think you're guilty at all.

But I enjoy it.

But I have been married for such a long time.

But I have to drive my mom around for the next few days.

But I have to play their parent, I'm their "Dad"

But I haven't even introduced you to my crew,

But I mustn't. But I want to.

But I think it's because...

But I think she is on her way.

But I was quite lucky 'cause it couldn't be seen.

But I'm very much in the mood for some sexual intercourse.

But I've died for you, Nadja. I've seen it.

But if we seriously think he's gonna "quack" us...

But if you access our website

But if you would like to return...

But instead of frustrating the people around them

But it didn't even work, and then they got semen everywhere.

But it keeps crawling back. Literally.

But it's almost sunup.

But it's my mother's vulva we're talking about.

But many considered her a mother figure.

But my master thought it'd be best to get decorations first,

But not like this.

But not silver,

But not through the ether.

But now... it's just a thing

But she was gripping the window

But sometimes he's a little toofamiliar, you know what I mean?

But sometimes I feel like

But that'll heal immediately.

But that's because my father's from India. I think you're

But the people were on drugs

But the zoning ordinance...

But then I do get sick.

But then I kept going, squeezing

But then I will visit Barbara Lazarro

But then you wake up and you think,

But then, after a while, it's like,

But there, again

But there's really no needfor any kind of grand entrance.

But they didn't take any money.

But they lack one thing and one important thing.

But this seems much more aboveboard, so...

But this version of Gregor?

But this... (guttural gagging)

But we've yet to meet IRL.

But when I awaken,

But you can't.

But you couldn't?

But you didn't finish.

But you goaded me.

But you know what they say:

But you never see three tier buses.

But, no doubt, he has been reborn

But, to be honest, I was bored.

But, um, where we come from, two ruffs

But, um... he's also my friend.

But, you know, once I finally have that under control,

But...

But...

By a frightened little man.

By Hescher Schmitz Farrier.

By leprosy and the plague.

By many arrow.

By the human bitch Barbara Lazarro.

By the light of a burning donkey.

By the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

By the way, we don't validate parking

By Vasilios the Balladeer?

By your story, and and maybe it's just me,

Bye. Okay. Yeah.

Call 911.

Call the witness.

Called the Sassy Cat Club in Mana hatta.

Calm down, Laszlo. I was just teaching the little stupid baby

Came to the corner store down on Eastern Parkway

Can we get some sort of protective spray

Can we just not talk about the cologne anymore, please?

Can we, like, watch the sun rise or something?

Can you at least make sure it's black?

Can you go in and pay our respects,

Can you just describe what you see? It's not hard.

Can you just get out of my way?!

Can you leave us to lick our wounds?

Can you please arrange for a pleasant dream while I'm under?

Can you please arrange for a pleasant dream while I'm under?

Cancer isn't usually what kills you.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Careful of the spider house.

Careful.

Carpet monger, suitcase monger,

Centuries have passed,

Challenging.

Champions, choose your weapons.

Change my position on the wholeQ tip conundrum that we had.

Che mai non dorme

Cheeze It, yo, yo, yo.

CHILD VAMPIRES: Colby, it's time to leave.

Colby.

Colin Robinson has drained themof all their energy.

Colin Robinson.

Colin Robinson.

Colin, don't leave me.

COLIN: "How are you gonna wash this car?"

COLIN: Am I a morning person?

COLIN: And I know you two said you don't drive,

COLIN: And, like, I've also noticed that some dogs

COLIN: Correct.

COLIN: Council. Uh, Madam President.

COLIN: Dating Evie is never dull.

COLIN: Everyone looks like Billy Idol.

COLIN: I have heard that.

COLIN: I was just eavesdropping behind the curtain there.

COLIN: I'm with them.

COLIN: It's a cologne aftershave mix

COLIN: It's on, Evie Russell.

COLIN: My name is Colin Robinson.

COLIN: No other nuance.

COLIN: Of course, you can always have buses

COLIN: Oh, what the hell was that?

COLIN: Oh, you don't use, uh, toilet paper liner, huh?

COLIN: Oh. A surprise party, huh?

COLIN: Since I've met her, she's had

COLIN: So, in closing, hopefully next week,

COLIN: So, uh...

COLIN: Someone sure had a good time, huh?

COLIN: Well, where's Nadja, though?

COLIN: What do you think of the new toilet paper in here?

COLIN: Whether it be fainting or car troubles.

COLIN: You know, the Greek phrasing for "coma"

COLIN: You know...

COLIN:Not a seat protector dude, huh?

Colin.

Colorful dust that sparkles.

Come here, we'll figure this out.

Come on, June.

Come on, please, it's just a formality.

Come on, try it. Maybe you're a creepy crawler like me.

Come on!

Come to me, my little one.

Come to me, Phil.

Come, look, this is for you.

Come. Let's walk and talk about what the future could be like

Coming from outside.

Complete.

Congratulations, Nandor. That is some very exciting seed.

Conqueror of thousands,

Conquerors of the court.

Consider joining dominions to secure

Cool Mexican tattoos all over his chest.

Cool.

Coprophilia?

Could I get a drumroll first?

Could I possibly just skip the last bit? Huh?

Could it be any sexier?

Could you not have just telephoned?

Couldn't you just have telephoned?

Covering the city, and blocking out all sunlight.

Crawl around, tickle each other, have a lovely time.

Creature of the night.

Creepy. Oh, multipack.

Creepy... Oh, multipack.

Daddy.

Daddy's coming. Let's go.

Dan, get her.

Dan, how are you?

DANNY: The fuck is wrong with you guys?

Dark greetings of the night

Darling, it's very easy,

Darling, you feel like crap because you are eating crap.

Darling. Right next to the public toilet?

DEACON: He was a whackjob,

Deeply sexual.

Defines "ordinance" as an "authoritative..."

Desire... will fuel my journey.

Devils suck, man.

Did anyone really like The Baron, anyway?

Did anyone... Really?!

Did did you guys kill him?

Did these vampires three

Did they "float" it?

Did they steal my semen?

Did we murder him?

Did we?