What We Do in the Shadows - Season 4 Edit

A bit of sass from the boy.

A djinn lamp. Like in the old stories.

A hero.

A most fearsome warrior.

A nice, fun change of pace for you?

A shank of lamb do you know if he likes lamb?

A simple farmer but a very wise man.

A team of contractors, and at least two plumbers.

A Van Helsing

A...

About creature that crawled out of the cavity of

About rubbing it the other way?!

About this happening.

Actually, no. No more business as usual

Actually, that's not what a best man does.

Actually, we're down to seven now

After I take care of the wedding

Again

Ah, yes

Ah!

All back and we'll figure it out.

All of his fearsome shit was actually done by other guys.

All right, apart from that, do you see a door?

All right, that's the last one

All right. Leave this with me

All right. Now we will organize ourselves

All right. Then what are we waiting for, huh?!

All these wooden boxes and shit have been arriving

Also my bodyguard, always my friend.

Also, not a budget buster.

Always a complaint with this one.

And a good haggler.

And after I'd drained all of the crew,

And also for the little creature

And also the things you do

And also, I need you to stay

And come across an important looking room.

And each one has a label on it.

And examine my massive dowry.

And finally?

And he caught sight of my rather generous John Thomas.

And he's a wild little creature,

And horny.

And I can find my way out?

And I deeply regret that.

And I think it's cool. I really do

And I'd like to keep it that way.

And I'll get right back to you...

And I'm not a eunuch, so...

And if any of you motherfuckers get in my way,

And if you don't mind me asking,

And if you will allow me,

And it feels really good to be back in the house!

And it was exactly how I left it,

And it's not what we do here.

And make a vampire nightclub!

And make sure that child doesn't die.

And making sure this poor child

And mash your insides.

And my dedicated work here?

And my towel accidentally dropped,

And mysterious than our own.

And neither am I,

And next?

And no kid should

And not a bit the boring, energy draining Colin Robinson

And nothing gets moved or changed ever.

And now Colin Robinson is dead.

And returned to perfect mental health.

And so that is when I decided to quit

And that is why the focus of our five year plan

And that the real estate would probably be more valuable

And that's the other thing I learned.

And the live F and S show.

And the obvious fix is to take a bride immediately,

And there is no sadness or tears.

And they go to paradise, don't they?

And this is what you want

And this, my dear Ramy,

And under my tutelage, with exposure to woodcraft,

And using a terra cotta backsplash to unify the space...

And we are breaking each other's balls.

And we finally got to the bottom of the, uh,

And what a way to go

And what does the label say?

And you are going to help me pick my bride,

And your duty heretoforth is to help

And, yes, I have kept my secret treasure secret

And...

And... have at it.

Another way we could possibly go with our...

Any woman in ancient Al Qolnidar would throw herself at my feet

Anything you can do, my wraiths can undo.

Anyway, that was in the past now, and I forgive you.

Apologies to you, Bran.

Are habitual stragglers!

Are you a djinn?

Are you doing a role play or are you really drowning?

Are you ready? Here we go.

Are you sure you don't want to protect

Are you sure?

Are you two having sex again?

Around the world?

As a child, nothing ever happened. See?

As a woman, sometimes you do need

As far as that's concerned.

As fate would have it, I got as far as...

As you can see, another patient cured

As your prize, you get a very special gold coin

At a train station in New Jersey with my dick in my hand.

At least he kept the house tidy and shipshape.

At the Supreme Vampiric Council.

Automated teller machine card password.

Automated teller machine card.

Based on definition of the word.

Be right back.

Because I missed you so much.

Because I spend so much time taking care of you guys,

Because it has become a mortal danger for us

Because it has the perfect amount of artistic flair

Because of the bad way you have treated him

Because that is what a best man does.

Because the floor will be bad and then you tap the doorknob

Because...

Before we go upstairs,

Between taking care of your wives

Blood sprinklers?

Boy, I'm gonna need one nail.

Bran and Toby are brothers with a keen eye

Bran and Toby choose to use shiplap

But either he or she had

But he was also, like, a...

But his hands keep slipping off the doorknob

But I already have a family

But I do remember that they never beat me at anything

But I have a plan.

But I like how it sounds.

But I've been too busy murdering these gas employees

But if you wish to poop your pants,

But is something completely different entirely.

But it seems,

But like most of the ancient tales, it is all horseshit.

But my real home in Al Qolnidar.

But she doesn't listen.

But she's so much smarter than me, so...

But that was hundreds of years ago.

But that's not who I am anymore.

But the answer is no

But then I remembered I had already found love.

But they were quite endearing.

But we waited three full moon cycles,

But without a wife to share them with.

But you just packed me up and shipped me off.

But you just used one, so it's 51.

But, you know, this isn't just a job to me.

By my blood sprinklers?

Can you picture it?

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Colin Robinson is dying.

Come back!

Come on!

Come, come.

Coming down the corridor of your mind to help you.

Conducting a new experiment..

Continue the work. Continue the work.

Cool. Where?

Could I get one of those gold coins now?

Dark Lord Tyrantus?

Darling, "why haven't we finished fucking?",

Dead Colin Robinson's chest. I understand, I guess.

Did I say it right?

Did you just say "Shame"?

Did you want to do shiplap on this wall?

Directly from his own lips.

Disappointed. Shocked

DJINN: Nandor's process

Do me the great honor

Do not fear him! We are about to kill him anyway.

Do not let them

Do you know that I've missed my mother's birthday party

Do you know the password to this card?

Do you mean a sexual sensation?

Do you see that person?

Do you see that person?

Do you wish to know?

Does anyone know if we have any money?

Doesn't matter how many times you keep saying it.

Don't don't you think a nightclub would be..

Don't stop. This is getting good

Don't you want to know why I've returned from London?

Down to the basement and swims in all the sewage.

Drowning, my darling. It's hot, yeah?

Due to the oil that he used to glisten up

Easy thing for an ancient warrior to ask.

Eesh

Eh, rub, rub, rub. See? Nothing.

Eh. I mean, we do, so..

Ends up being, but...

Enough!

Even though he did crawl out of

Every decade, a century. Let's fuck.

Every time I persuade the workermen to work,

Excellent choice.

Except everyone had become vampires

Finally, I found my way back to Al Qolnidar.

For a special gold coin?

For any aesthetic.

For change, yet your inner,

For hundreds of years.

For modern women, it's just not enough.

For my wife for weeks.

For number one, I'll just be

For so long that no matter what I tell them to do,

For so long that she'd forgotten them

For the rest of them to get here.

For the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council,

For today we embark on a new mission.

For two weeks.

Fortifying good judgment

Four. Three.

Fresno, I think it is called.

From Al Qolnidar.

From even my housemates.

From feeding and taking care of your 37 wives

From shabby, uh, to chic.

From what he called "hand envy."

From whence he came.

From Wisconsin.

Fucking Kublai

Full of mischief and surprises.

Get her to stop talking about that fucking building

Give it a hard push.

Give me one moment! Uh, everything will be normal soon.

Glass of water, coming up.

Glass of water, please.

Good news is pipes are fine.

Got some dresses

Great. Good.

Great. I'm gonna...

Greetings, my wives.

Guess I was just so afraid if I got up,

GUIDE: I was sloppy

GUIDE: I was, simply put,

GUIDE: Oh, no. I was worried

GUIDE: Okay, I guess they're all here.

GUIDE: So, so many. And so many of them

Guillermo de la Cruz.

Guillermo has decided

Guillermo said that we're gonna need a structural...

Guillermo, can you find it in your heart

Guillermo, I am going to need 600 yards of strong rope.

Guillermo, I know why you're here

Guillermo, I'm going to need you to install

Guillermo, I'm just gonna need ten yards of strong rope.

Guillermo, now is not time for shopping.

GUILLERMO: He's not a dog. He's a child

GUILLERMO: I'm still looking out

GUILLERMO: Just can't leave that innocent kid

GUILLERMO: You were meant to look

Guillermo.

H Hey! No, wait! Come back!

Happy. Puzzled

Has seen better days.

Have to go through that.

He could catch on fire or catch this whole place on fire.

He found it just as tedious as I did

He re deads them. But in a nice way.

He really is his own little man,

He shrieked "Eureka," and then came up with "penis envy."

He's a good little helper.

He's a naughty boy.

He's about this tall, glasses, shitty sweater.

He's been growing at a remarkable rate,

He's given me a sense of purpose.

He's trying,

Hello there. Long time no see.

Hello?!

Hello. I am Marwa of Al Qolni...

Hello. Is that you, little one?

Helping me maintain this house.

Here.

Hey, buddy. I'm Guillermo.

Hey, I bet they do a shiplap accent wall.

Hey, uh, stop injuring crew workers

Hey! Don't be afraid!

Hi.

Hi. Nandor said

High five. (gasps)

Him that's him

His fingers that could wrap around my neck

His naked body

Hm. Well, technically,

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hmm. I want to say Becky?

How could you ship me across the Atlantic

How did you get in here? The door was locked.

How we feeling?

How's about I fix you up some, uh...

I also wish for them all to speak English.

I always imagined my wife with blonde hair.

I am delighted to report that he is not and will not grow into

I am most proud that my observations

I am not a creep.

I am paying a full crew of workermen to do nothing.

I am stronger

I am telling you, we are going to open a vampire nightclub.

I am very lucky to have a man of such intellect

I can't remember.

I cannot remember the name,

I could use a friend. (chuckles)

I danced the Dance of the Seven Veils

I do mean to send them on to London,

I do not own a dog.

I do.

I don't care about that anymore

I don't know what it means,

I don't know what you've got out there, but he's in here.

I don't take care of myself

I don't think that's the most efficient way to deal with...

I don't want to call him Colin Robinson,

I don't want to say it twice.

I get a headache.

I got to start looking out for number one.

I grew homesick, not for Staten Island

I had 37 wives, and one of them,

I had to take a sledgehammer to that wall,

I had to,

I hated it

I have a little surprise for you.

I have a technique

I have been in charge of this sacred reliquary

I have been very lonely,

I have found the one.

I have got a teensy little present for you both.

I have just two words for you.

I have no idea.

I have not picked one.

I have prepared a little pitch.

I have tried using the carrot, as one does

I haven't slept in weeks

I hitched a ride on a ship,

I I really am glad that you want to find a wife,

I just cannot remember which one.

I just really want to open a vampiric nightclub!

I just want him to be happy.

I knew it was wrong

I know that you want to leave, Guillermo.

I know what everyone's thinking.

I know you're not a sentimental fellow,

I know. This is the Uber Eats order for your 37 wives.

I led the Inquisition

I may not remember my beloved's name

I mean, come on.

I mean, it was obvious all along.

I met a very plump family on the train

I must ask you about some of the things

I overheard them saying when I was working in, um, England

I packed you extra Oreos and Pedialyte this time around,

I planned to drain them,

I prefer it just as it was in the beginning.

I remember taking a steam bath with the chap,

I returned back to my village,

I say, exactly how many wraiths are there?

I secretly smuggled back 850 pounds of ancestral treasure

I specifically remember, I really loved.

I spent a few of my younger years with Sigmund Freud,

I subjected him to all manner of boring imagery

I suppose my dear grandfather.

I think can fix her.

I think he has fallen asleep

I think he's going to make a poop in his knickers.

I think I remember him having a very fun handlebar mustache.

I think I was thinking a little less platinum blonde,

I think your story bored him

I thought my ancestral treasure

I told Nadja it wasn't safe for her crew to be working here,

I used to have 37 beautiful wives.

I want to be the nightclub's accountant

I was a moth to the danger flame

I was lucky enough to have the best education...

I was too afraid to use mine in the Vampiric Council meetings,

I was wild

I will accept this great honor.

I will just wish the djinn to get me a new love.

I wish you to bring back all 37 of my dead wives.

I would have to know that it was your mother's birthday

I would love to hear the Sufic poetry

I'd forgotten how many wonderful stories you have to tell, Mina.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

I'm actually not.

I'm capable of doing two things at once.

I'm gonna be super jealous of whoever Nandor's wife

I'm gonna go

I'm gonna just focus on me.

I'm in a very good place right now.

I'm just a very powerful and ancient warrior

I'm not sure this settee can take it.

I'm really not.

I'm so glad you are "cool" with that

I'm so intertwined with it, I feel any changes physically,

I'm sorry, but I don't know how watching 15 episodes

I'm telling you, the nightclub business

I'm tempted, but, uh, I'll leave you guys to it

I've found that this is the only thing

I've had a lot of time to think about my life lately,

If anything gets changed here, something very bad will happen.

If everyone is a vampire,

If I could?

If I do this, what's it worth to you?

If I'd have known that, I wouldn't have trashed the place.

If she knew I had a spoon like this

If the steam pipes are backed up, then I am also backed up.

If they leased it out to a... CVS Pharmacy

If you want to cry, that's fine, we won't judge you.

If you would stop interrupting.

Ignore her, keep working.

Important literature or colorful shit

In a wooden crate? Twice!

In Al Qolnidar?

In fact, I was there at its conception.

In my own body.

In other people's homes is going to help us

In this case, I'm num I'm number one.

In this death trap of a house with those lunatics.

Indeed.

Into a vampire nightclub

Into fixing this house,

Into storage so they don't get damaged

Into the most interesting adult there has ever been.

Into work squads, and within those squads

Is a manifestation of a longing for my past life,

Is it boring like Colin Robinson?

Is not going well.

Is very much stuck in time,

Is where the magic happens.

Is, uh..

Isn't really new to me at all.

It came from Colin Robinson, but don't call him Colin Robinson.

It helps him shake off the sillies.

It is a djinn lamp.

It made me miss my own family.

It might have been a he. They weren't all women.

It sounds like the entire house is going to collapse

It was like, um...

It was not good for my mental health

It's 'cause we haven't managed to start yet.

It's a no brainer.

It's all right, my darling. I think I can deal with this.

It's every young boy's fantasy

It's Guillermo.

It's just a lobster!

It's just bad pipes. It'll pass.

It's my punishment

It's not that different.

It's not that good.

It's those bastards from the gas company.

Just go to the bank and hypnotize the teller...

Just sitting here, waiting for you guys to come back

Kind of have my hands full here, all right?

LASZLO: Continuing down the corridor of your mind,

LASZLO: Is he dead?

LASZLO: Oh, I've spoken too soon.

LASZLO: Oh, no, no, no, no.

LASZLO: Previously on this documentary...

LASZLO: Terra cotta backsplash would make a great accent.

LASZLO: That is not Colin Robinson, so...

LASZLO: There are, it seems, others in our world

LASZLO: This is quite miraculous.

LASZLO: Top work

LASZLO: What the fuck?

LASZLO: Why?

LASZLO: You might have to calm this down, my darling.

Let's do this! Uh..

Let's get this old shit out of here

Let's go in there, have a bit of a poke around.

Like in the film Blade,

Little more, um, hint of red.

Man, come on, these guys have, like, two go to moves at best.

Maybe in a second, Darya.

Maybe.

Me first. Me.

Mm.

Mm.

More like, if there is a brick that gets chipped,

Most of that and put that down to your female hysteria.

Much in the same way,

My attraction to you

My beloved had a sense of spontaneity and fun.

My darling, I had to look after the boy.

My dear Roshni, I thought we'd do a little quiz.

My eat, prey, love journey?

My heart's desire was kind

My mom worked a lot when I was little.

My scientific method to for the past two months

My sister, when she was being courted by her husband...

My sweet Nandor said I'm supposed to ask you

My voice reigns supreme.

My wives are hungry.

My work began with experiments in isolation

My work with the Worldwide Supreme Vampiric Council was

Nadja, I think it's time.

NADJA: And the second thing I learned is,

NADJA: Do you know what could be a very good moneymaker?

NADJA: Fucking wraiths.

NADJA: I did learn three

NADJA: I will be returning to England

NADJA: It would be so much more enjoyable

NADJA: Oh, shit.

NADJA: Oh.

NADJA: Okay, now we are all friends again,

NADJA: Our work on converting the Vampiric Council

NADJA: Surprise!

NADJA: The custodian of this

NADJA: We're not dismantling anything, we're just moving things around.

Naked, glistening Guillermo business

Name your price

NANDOR: Are you okay?

NANDOR: Here, boy! (whistles)

NANDOR: How about Dalal?

NANDOR: My first thought was,

NANDOR: My search for a new wife has...

NANDOR: Oh, hey.

NANDOR: Okay, something is happening now.

NANDOR: Should I cover my eyes?

NANDOR: So they never see it coming.

NANDOR: The love of my life

NANDOR: We are about to die,

NANDOR: Yes.

Nandor... (speaking Farsi)

Nandor's best man first.

Nasrin! Nasrin!

Never learned to read. I like her,

NEWSMAN: A traffic jam on one of

Nice doing business with you

No

No

No

No one will ever know the precious riches

No, Colin. No, no, no.

No, I'll handle it. I'm just waiting

No, it is our..

No, it was not.

No, it's more like, when you enter a room...

No, no, I said somebody strong and powerful.

No, no, no. This is not right. Put it all back.

No, that's where you're fucking wrong.

No.

No. No way

No. That came from the body of Colin Robinson,

Nonthreatening male to talk to.

Nope.

Not been going so great.

Nothing is too good for my perfect wife.

Nothing.

Now I have no one.

Now I'm gonna go,

Now, I have a little boy

Now, many changes will be made to this building.

Number one, if you go to work

Of a total harpy in my ass.

Of being...

Of Colin Robinson's dead body after he died.

Of paying all the bills in the house,

Of somebody strong and powerful

Of subcommittees and study groups...

Of the great poet Jalal al Din Muhammad Rumi

Of these two dimwits installing kitchen islands

Of this wooden crate for a week!

Oh

Oh, a genie lamp.

Oh, boy.

Oh, come on

Oh, I don't know

Oh, I wasn't talking to you.

Oh, my sweet, sweet Guillermo.

Oh, Nadja, every new vampire comes up with this idea,

Oh, no, no, Colin. Colin!

Oh, okay. Never mind.

Oh, this is the creature that crawled out of the chest cavity

Oh, wow

Oh, wow.

Oh! That reminds me.

Oh! That's what it was.

Oh.

Okay

Okay, don't get too excited.

Okay, first things first, I'd say

Okay, I'll tell you

Okay, she's a maybe.

Okay, so it's definitely not her.

Okay, this is ridiculous. You're all vampires.

Okay!

Okay.

Okay. He has

Okay. Hey, buddy.

Okay. It stopped.

On interior decor.

One could argue that it's way cooler

One could argue that.

One of the newer sciences.

One that I have been vigorously applying

One.

Only kidding, Guillermo

Only today, I was

Ooh, yes, a great idea.

Oops! I should have known you had Van Helsing blood in you

Opening up our own vampire nightclub.

Or slovenly

Or vain.

Or what I like to call "wanting of the wang."

Over the years, but..

Please, my little pomegranate?

Poetic creatures are not rejects.

Preferably before the end of the month.

Psychology is considered to be

Put you on a ten year Vampiric Planning Committee,

Right. You know what? I think I might take a break

Room in the back.

Rubbish

Says "Do Not Open."

Scintillating conversation...

Seducing a vampire to do their bidding?

See ya!

Selling my TV projector monitor, then you can get fucked.

Shall we?

She clearly has a weakness for your kind

She might teach you a thing or two

She'd locked away her most shameful and sordid memories

She's gone.

Shit

Shit

Shit, I almost forgot.

Shit.

Should be to form a variety

Since Nadja and Nandor departed, it's been just me and the lad.

So challenging but also fulfilling, you know?

So I booked passage on a container ship

So I had to take care of myself a lot, and it was hard.

So I'd like you to come back to the basement of my mansion

So we suggested taking down

So, Guillermo has made a good point.

So, here I am,

So, how many wishes can you grant?

So, I just call him boy.

So, logically you're prepared

So, was it great being back home

So, wasn't it nice to be among your own kind?

So, who is she?

Some of my wives were girl wives,

Some of them were guy wives.

Some smaller boxes.

Something about a container ship.

Speak of the devil.

Starts next week,

Stay, boy.

Stop the work! Stop the work!

Supreme Vampiric Council.

Sure, just come on down to my secret treasure room,

Sure.

Sure.

Surrounded by all my secret treasures

Ta da!

Talking about boring admin all day.

Thank you all for coming.

Thank you for your time.

That all neurosis is derived

That aren't completely falling apart.

That could retrieve that lost memory.

That he's no longer talking to you both

That I learned on my travels.

That is not helpful at this particular juncture.

That might be a good one to get into.

That sounds like murder.

That that would be me.

That they insist on sending round.

That they think that this branch of the Vampiric Council

That was adorable.

That was the baby Colin Robinson, I assume?

That would be the moment you would come in

That you guys aren't really listening to what I'm saying.

That'll lull him to sleep.

That's a new one

That's all I will say about that.

That's been lurking in her tawdry mind

The aggravations are endless.

The best man at my wedding?

The boring energy vampire from whence he came

The candle on his head for when he sneaks

The chest cavity of the deceased Colin Robinson.

The chest of the corpse of our dead friend, Colin Robinson.

The danger, the depravity

The final straw came,

The footsteps

The frozen tundra of the Lambeau Field?"

The Guide and her wraiths undermine me.

The human workers...

The Liquidator of Underlings?

The love and the affection that this family had for each other,

The main one

The most important waterways in the world.

The only reason why he said that is

The Suez Canal was blocked on Tuesday

The two Dalals are definitely out

The ultimate messiness for a vampire..

The wall dividing the kitchen and dining room

The water damage has ruined the wood.

The Worldwide Supreme Vampiric Council and come home.

Then I'd rather you go somewhere else and do it.

There you are.

There's a very strong smell of gas leak down here.

There's nothing special about being a vampire

There's something about his kind

These guys are still alive?

They had a very particular way of speaking,

They know what my heart really wants.

They never asked me to shave off my beard.

They never borrowed my boots without asking me.

They turn the most mundane property

They were humble and an excellent listener.

They were merciful.

They were warm and wanted to be with me.

They're just simply not what I'm looking for

This blank canvas of a boy

This boy's grown some claws.

This building for hundreds of years.

This conversation is over.

This guy I don't trust. This one

This house, we need money, correct?

This is Marwa.

This is my favorite part right here...

This job isn't my job

This little rascal really likes

This makes me suspicious a little

Those beautiful, sensitive,

Three times and you do it all over again.

Three years in a row?

To assume a position on the

To be just... friends with me?

To be made into a best man than into a vampire.

To hammer holes in the wall, doesn't he?

To share my life with.

To use your special voice to be heard.

To...

TOBY (on TV): Josh and Elana wanted an open concept,

Uh, "Box Storage Number Two."

Uh, "Favorite Looks Casual."

Uh, is this your wish?

Uh, it is a saying from the olden days