What We Do in the Shadows - Season 3 Edit

A 24‐hour gymnasium I used to attend

A beautiful woman has shit on my shoes

A climate‐controlled fortress,

A couple of days?

A creature that matches that description

A debt of eternal gratitude and mercy.

A decision like that, there's a lot of moving parts.

A defense attorney!

A ferocious and merciless warrior,

A few papers or wanking off Morris from steerage

A few times,

A fireplace

A gentle one, and then he expired.

A gentleman's debt,

A girl from a tiny village on a dirt island

A girl with no surname,

A good evening to you, too.

A Hofstadter, and four Wolowitzes.

A little bit higher

A little check in

A little cutie, chubby little girlfriend?

A little grain of furry sand.

A little help, please?

A little more to the right

A little secret, you little sick fuck?

A little too much into it

A lot of people think he was president.

A lot of thought, and my vote is...

A lot of vampires have been slaughtered.

A lot of women these days

A magical cloak that makes the wearer

A man who saves your life in battle should be owed

A massive backlog of Vampiric Council business,

A mecca of the depraved

A month, and you've not decided his fate yet?

A much more suitable living situation

A new portrait done, I said I'd be more than happy

A nice two hour long Super Slumber.

A quest

A rogue vampire group hasn't paid their dues,

A self‐appointed soviet given to arbitrary judgments

A sheet or a cloth over it or something

A single instant,

A slice of a fair system, wouldn't you say?

A small seed of affection

A state that so closely resembles death

A Super Slumber is an act performed

A vampire that draws attention to vampirism

A vampires'..

A very important Vampiric Council duty

A way of sitting out a bad epoch in history.

A way that you can become human again.

A way that you can walk into the sun.

A werewolf when they are eating. Sorry about that

A werewolf, and he happened to turn me into a werewolf, too

A wiggabuhbiggle is what you called it.

A wonderful send off.

Aah, my fucking...

About anything.

About energy vampires

About how you attempted to seduce me just now.

About me and my silly emotions

About regular vampires,

About some discrepancies in our latest bill

About that kind of detail

About the origin of energy vampires

Absolutely

Absolutely anything

Actually, if you want to do Nandor a favor,

Aeropuerto airport can we go to the airport, please?

Again

Again

Again with the "make me a vampire" shit?

Again, we do apologize so deeply

Again.

Again.

Again.

Against my wife's jealousy

Ageless, timeless, marvelous artifacts

Agree with what? I didn't say anything.

Ah

Ah, cheers to that!

Ah, damn it!

Ah, I may as well tell you

Ah, the magic of mechanical garage doors.

Ah, this is awesome

Ah, um, good The Nandor, yes, um...

Ah, well,

Ah, yeah, the, uh, perennial conundrum between

Ah, yeah. What's it run on?

Ah! Ah!

Ah.

Ah. Is this good? Here? Whoa

Ah...

Ah... Tell me.

All alone like a fucking loser.

All by her small self you know what?

All my friends are in this room, you know?

All new. Wednesdays at 10

All of them

All right

All right, all right, my darling

All right, all right. Keep your hair on.

All right, but you may want to wash your hands.

All right, get in there.

All right, guys, I have

All right, I'll check in with some of the other gargoyles

All right, just come on in

All right, let's bring it up a little bit

All right, let's move on to how to tip

All right, then. Shit.

All right, this is going to end badly, so what you need to do

All right, well, I'll leave you

All right, your alterations will be ready momentarily

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right.

All right. Hey, whoa, whoa!

All the best, my darling.

All the seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race

All the time? No

All the times I left or quit.

All the whores and the whoring.

All those in favor of accepting his acceptance, say aye!

All those in favor of revealing this decision, say aye!

All together

All vampires in the local New York area

All work, no play makes Colin Robinson a dull guy

All you need is international bill of lading,

ALL: ♪ "Get your act together, come back and see me"♪

ALL: ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪

ALL: Aye!

ALL: Aye!

ALL: End.

ALL: Guillermo...

ALL: When you awaken, and for the rest of your natural life,

Allow me to introduce myself.

Almost

Almost a month. 29 days.

Alone at last. [laughing]

Already completed and there is no place where it fits

Also, collecting Vampire Council dues

Also, I feast upon hate.

Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day

Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day

Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day.

Also, what are you wearing?

Also, yeah, they're, like, super gossipy bitches

Always an excuse with this wise guy.

Amazing

America's premier nocturnal playground

An ancient vampire on the loose?

An excursion away from our home

An infinitely powerful being.

And "familiar" is crossed out and replaced with "bodyguard."

And a little to the right

And a little to..

And a man is explaining it to you.

And also is the boss over all the other members

And also, uh, vouch for any future,

And away we go.

And because, uh, she is me, the same,

And before you know it, the whole party's over.

And beg you to dig me up

And behind this door..

And by some miracle... [chuckles] escaped.

And challenge each other

And chew it like a gum!

And coexistence is all about

And corner him to the back of the store

And crush it in your hand.

And do whatever you want to do."

And each one of say something that we liked

And even more valuable.

And eventually it'll get to us.

And eventually, I realized,

And every vampire they knew is scattered to the four winds

And for myself

And for the towel

And from there I was in charge of sloops,

And get a date with a receptionist called Meg

And get, like, 25 of these things each.

And go on a world tour with you at the drop of a hat

And good luck trying to make it on your own!

And has every right to be in this portrait.

And he took it pretty hard, and we went to a bar

And he was left behind. I I left him behind.

And he's got an enchanted nutsack as well, apparently

And he's just talking to the soldier.

And he's on his way.

And help me help you fix this!

And her favorite brand of yogurt

And high school yearbook editors

And horses

And how loud she is

And how they're made and where he came from.

And I am borrowing this towel.

And I am going to do better for you

And I appreciate you telling me that

And I can finally commence my long overdue

And I care for you too much

And I didn't do anything about it,

And I don't really use it, so..

And I don't remember‐‐ I wasn't myself

And I don't think that's a really healthy way

And I don't want to do it! [chuckles]

And I feel I succeeded,

And I feel kind of bad

And I figured we should all be together for that.

And I have a sneaking suspicion

And I have never felt more alive.

And I have to say that it's, uh, not just a prequel

And I hope he's happy now

And I just bought a camera drone

And I just kind of take it for granted

And I love you, my little whore

And I once thought you too weak and defenseless

And I pronounce you man and wife.

And I really want to get back to my condo

And I sort of fell in love with the lifestyle,

And I think I did a pretty good job.

And I think I've gotten pretty good.

And I think that, you know, the symbolism will hold

And I totally agree.

And I was counting on, uh, you know, Newman Robinson

And I will do whatever it takes

And I will make you..

And I won't stand for it

And I would have a chance to finally do something

And I'll go and find someone

And I'll sit on the throne?

And I'm banned, which is why it's been impounded.

And I'm going to go and get a taxi or a bus

And I'm gonna go back to my human community

And I'm here for that

And I'm here for that.

And I'm not gonna be the last one in here

And I'm taking the day off tomorrow!

And I'm the official bodyguard

And I've lost all of our money.

And if things go very, very tits up,

And in

And in the red corner,

And is currently at large

And it could be dangerous, you know?

And it does motivate people to work harder

And it is just... it's just not for me.

And it is ruined!

And it must be respected.

And it turned out he was faking it the whole time

And it was exclusively hand stuff

And it's all because of me!

And it's been right under my nose the entire time.

And it's not as pleasant as it might sound.

And it's not gonna end like this!

And it's way better than being dead,

And knows that he is safe, everything is okay

And leaving.

And let them go at it.

And likely highly guarded

And looks like you finally made a friend

And make love on the bones of those who scorned you

And make sure that you're actually dead.

And mark their territory.

And maybe towel off my, uh, face and genitals.

And more importantly,

And my methods might be a bit old fashioned.

And my mom, I...

And neglect their actual families

And never coming back.

And nobody was playing for keeps

And nonconfrontational

And not for this particular thing,

And not to be monkeyed about with!

And now he's not in my life anymore.

And now I will.

And now our time together has ended.

And now we have these guys.

And now you're horny because you just got negged again

And now you're the ones who will be

And now, I bid you all farewell.

And on top of all that, the death of Colin Robinson

And once they're healed, they would realize that

And one was wearing a promise ring.

And others once did but have long since forgotten,

And out in the shoulders

And over here is the familiars' room

And pissing all over our floors.

And push my eye back in?

And put up with all sorts of degrading shit

And put your fingers in your ears, and do it now.

And respect, you know, the things that

And responsibility for is the one that did the slaughtering.

And she doesn't care much for grown up food, either

And she turned me into a vampire

And show me in Super Slumber?

And show them my dead body so we can get this over with,

And so on, etcetera. We've all been there

And so we are going to announce to the world

And so your vote would be the same as hers,

And some Yoo hoos.

And space and companionship

And started a new life without them.

And that hurts, you know?

And that is not Nandor

And that is that

And that is where I, um... yeah.

And that is why Frankie said that I should be the Voice.

And that was like the fifth time we'd fallen

And that you needed me about at all times

And that's another reason I'm crying!

And that's exactly what I'll do.

And that's that.

And the door stays open, I'm assum‐‐

And the energy vampire, Colin Robinson.

And the hound

And the human bait very, very quickly

And the moment a werewolf shows her his lipstick,

And the only reason you're alive is because...

And the prisoner will be reminded

And the radio!

And the rats were nesting in there.

And the two episode arc I booked on SVU next month.

And the various abattoirs

And then come back

And then have to carry it back...

And then he always gets heartbroken

And then he gave his one to his hero, Mussolini.

And then I have just blown all the money

And then I met Gail

And then I'll take care of the rest. I'll leave it here

And then it hit me.

And then Judi from Best Buys.

And then she always says "no"

And then there's your chosen family.

And then this, on top of the rain that we've been having,

And then we could really lay on a really...

And then we will never choose a font!

And then we would go to war with them

And then we'll figure out where to stick it later,"

And then you and I are catching a midnight train.

And then you eat, like, five, six cans a day

And then you find yourself so far from your family,

And then you put that in my head and that's my brain now.

And then you sell 'em to your stupid friends

And then you try 'em

And then, you know, the little guy,

And there are so many

And there's the chicken they think I eat raw.

And they attacked us.

And they can be together for eternity

And they only air it

And this is the TV control.

And this one arm that is fused to my chest

And this will heal us.

And those fuckers expelled me

And thus, we would be delighted for you to join us

And to be honest, I'm here for it. [chuckles]

And torture mortals...

And tunneled a hole in the wall

And vampire lineage, it's right here

And wait for a sweet little girl to take me home instead

And we are able to regularly feed thanks

And we are running out of time here.

And we can forget about him forever,

And we can mingle together

And we can spend the rest of eternity together,

And we have sorted out

And we need you to take notes

And we still owe money for that stupid vow renewal.

And we'll be together again when I wake up.

And we've got the Tao of Steve

And welcome to my crib!

And whack off

And what do we say to newcomers?

And what have I got to show for it?

And what I'd dismissed as rumor is actually true,

And what I've realized, since I am her,

And when I find that little... [speaks foreign language]

And when I got back, he hadn't fed himself once.

And when it comes to matters of the Vampiric Council,

And when will this delegation be arriving?

And where are we taking them?

And where you come from

And who's gonna protect you, huh?

And with that, I bid you adieu

And would do it again in a heartbeat

And yet like nothing I've heard before.

And yet when we come face to face with eternal death,

And you all pick now to go on a trip?

And you are going to figure them out for me

And you devoted 12 years of your life

And you did nothing, just like last time?

And you for dessert.

And you knew this, and you didn't tell us

And you know, there's a lot of speculation saying,

And you will either bend the knee or face the consequences

And you wouldn't know a punchline if it ran over

And you!

And you're comfortable slumbering in your coffin

And you're running away from your feelings

And you've got something weighing on your heart, then..

And your formerly boyish face.

And your powers go

And, I mean, the portrait's not even done, so we could...

And, Laszlo, why don't you change your shoes,

And, one day, we will be human enough to see the sun

And, uh what's the word I'm looking for?

And, uh,

And, uh, now he's taking me to small claims court.

And, yeah, the whole shebang comes for what? $49.99.

And... [sniffles]

And...?

Another Accession Day

Another person decides it's okay for them to leave the party,

ANTON: All right?

ANTON: My sweet Gail!

ANTON: No! No!

Any literature on the art of deprogramming

Any questions?

Anything gets me hard

Anything of note?

Anyway, housekeeping came in, and..

Anyway, I had a dry spell

Anyway, I've invited Colin Robinson...

Anyway, it Let's see

Anyway, it's an incredible product

Anyway, treachery was afoot, and I was expelled

Anyway, we figured out all the details

ARCHER: You're probably wondering what we're doing

ARCHER: You're probably wondering what we're doing.

ARCHER: You're probably wondering what we're doing.

ARCHER: You're probably wondering what we're doing.

Are despicable! [spits]

Are for the gals

Are leaning into each other

Are still bouncing around my slumberless head.

Are there other survivors?

Are they gonna come back with another one? 'Cause..

Are turning into a thick, lumpy soup.

Are you dead?! My love

Are you draining me, bro?

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Are you happy being a vampire?

Are you insinuating

Are you man enough?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Do you need a bit more time?

Are you shitting me?!

Are you sure anyone here is up for this task?

Aristotle's Book of Poetics Two

Around the car!

As a vampire, he was... okay.

As a warrior, yes, he was.

As an actor, you spend a lot of time

As Gabby the Dreadfully Loathsome.

As I can no longer fly,

As is customary amongst travelers

As it is a far superior room to yours.

As leader of...

As leaders of the Vampiric Council

As mandatory viewing for all employees.

As much as I would love to,

As much gold as you could shake a shitty stick...

As the pages fall from the calendar,

As you know, being a vampire, I cannot eat or drink.

As you wish, Contessa.

As your official bodyguard,

Asking if anyone saw anything suspicious,

Assholes with one "S," uh

Assume the position.

At a moment's notice.

At approximately 9:53 in the p.m

At every show because it was my favorite number and also,

At talking to modern women

At the fight.

At the Monaco Grand Hotel and Casino facility

Auf Wiedersehen!

Ay...

B.J.: ...explored through meaningless comedy

B.J.: ...explored through meaningless comedy

Back on the plane.

Back under Vampiric Council control

Back up

Back when I was commanding an army,

BARON: [grunts] Big pull now. Almost there

BARON: Well, frankly, it has turned out

BARON: Yes

BARON: Yes, that infernal squirrel

BARON: Your English is coming along nicely.

Baron? Are you there?

Based on mumbo jumbo and interpretive dance

Bat!

Bat!

Bat!

Bat!

Bat!

Bat! I‐I can't fly

Bat. Okay, let's try this. Who am I?

Battleships, brigantines,

Be foes at every turn?

Be sure to reserve your spot on the sign‐in sheet

Bearing the image of musical poet Robert Seger

Because as you know, vampires hate waiting.

Because Colin Robinson is no longer with us.

Because I am not brainwashed. I am perfectly sane

Because I am now back, and I have never felt better

Because I am, and I will remind you,

Because I did, but I was in bat form

Because I said to you that

Because it really seems like it's not quite sinking in.

Because it's going to make absolutely no difference

Because it's the last time I can say goodbye to them.

Because Laszlo will never go back to England.

Because of the Big Bang Theory.

Because this is exactly what I would do!

Because this is how I used to dress when I was a human

Because we are forbidden to use our vampiric powers

Because we are going to deprogram you.

Because we showed the other man mercy,

Because we throw everything out every Friday

Because we work together

Because you had me in a cage in the basement!

Because you should not be in this situation

Because you'll never see me again

Because you're dealing with Colin Robinson's death

Because, well, this clan,

Because, you know, my‐my best friend,

Been stymied at every turn.

Before he puts all of us to death.

Before it gets better.

Before it gets better.

Before it gets better.

Before we get started, should we go around the group,

Before you remove the chains,

Behind this door is the living quarters of The Sire

Behind this door is the living quarters of The Sire.

Being a werewolf is not a crime!

Believe it or don't believe it, baby,

Belong on the sea.

Benjamin Franklin.

Bet you didn't know that existed

Better for me to show him a good time

Better for the poor bastard to not know at all.

Between 5.1 and 7.1 surround?

Between the next meeting of the Worldwide Vampiric Council

Between you and I,

Between you and I, though,

Between you and me

Big rocks that make up part

Big time gambling problem.

Blah, blah, blah. Yada yada yada

Bloody hell. We're being enchanted

Bloody shit! There he is!

Bold, independent woman of the world

Boop

Boop. There's that smile

Born with a silver dick in your mouth.

Both in length and in girth.

Both my wife and I would be dead by now

BOTH: ♪ Islands in the stream♪

BOTH: Oh..

BOTH: On alternating days

Boy, it never even occurred to me

Brainwashed, "shmain washed."

Bravo.

Breathe. Yummy.

Breathing in your scent.

Built this around the car

Built to preserve documents

Busy in my potting shed.

But almost nothing about energy vampires.

But are we?

But are you quite sure they're the real Rat Pack

But as time has passed, I have realized

But be warned:

But before we continue,

But don't need to know how the sausage is made.

But don't think for one second I'll be getting into the habit

But fortunately, I know someone who can help

But he doesn't seem to remember anything

But hear me out

But here, number twos are treated with the utmost respect

But how do you know he's not going to kill us?

But I also feel this could be

But I always just thought it was a passing truck

But I am the more experienced leader

But I can't quit 'em

But I cannot leave him on his own.

But I digress

But I don't think the wider public gave a shit

But I don't want the others to think

But I figured the quicker he gets on with it,

But I guess after a while, my body just..

But I I don't know anymore.

But I I, I just can't drop everything that I'm doing

But I just thought it was someone in the neighborhood

But I never actually got around to giving him the message

But I shouldn't be wearing white. [chuckles]

But I simply cannot keep away

But I think I know why.

But I think I really biffed this one

But I think I really got his essence.

But I think if we start now, we should be done by dawn.

But I think the point I'd like to make

But I truly believe that that's what's needed

But I understand why you would come to my room,

But I wanted to go and get something

But I will continue to sift through it

But I, too, fear I'm not, uh, man eno whatever.

But I'm excited for this trip now.

But I'm not panicking. It's just that I'm afraid

But I'm proud to call him my friend.

But I'm still assessing my cards,

But I've made some good memories here

But I've mainly defended a lot of hogs

But I've never told you why.

But I've noticed that he looks a bit lonely.

But if you feel a certain way about someone,

But in a weird way we're still a family.

But in the '20s.

But indeed I must, for today is an auspicious day

But it is not to be.

But it it just kind of turned into

But it was such a fun shoot

But it's a bit on the nose.

But it's almost sunrise

But it's not going so great

But it's‐it's kind of awkward

But its continued health is of extreme importance

But Jackson has the reach. 70 inches. That's no slouch

But Jan says she's working on a way to make it permanent!

But like all huge honors, it's a pain in the nutsack.

But me?

But my eyes are on you.

But no, not ringing any bells

But now is not the time for jokes

But of course

But one matter still remains:

But only one of you can be the supreme leader

But probably not.

But Sean and Charmaine..

But that is no longer true, were it ever so

But the cosmic words of Colin Robinson

But the fact remains: only one of you

But the Hot Topic at the mall had some really great stuff.

But the night's just beginning

But the real thing I'm looking forward to is...

But the rewards...

But the truth is, my darling,

But then I got this new pillow,

But then, a few years go by, and you're like,

But there are those who would

But there can only be one Supreme Leader,

But they actually take many different forms,

But they don't know that

But they get a little punchy

But they mostly hated me

But this, me old chap, is a bridge too far

But to shove into the crevices of the seats.

But tonight, you have proved to me finally

But vampire depression is the real fucking deal

But vampirism is a curse,

But was so nervous,

But we are still in discussions about

But we are still in imminent danger.

But we even had good days with him

But we have it under control. Thank you so much.

But we have told everyone

But we haven't heard from you.

But what about the four elephants?

But what I found shocked me.

But when a vampire kills, like,

But when they lose one of their own,

But who gives a shit?

But you are a vampire, yes?

But you are the only one that can save us

But you can't sell them to women because..

But you have Gizmo at your side,

But you have to understand

But you know what I'm gonna do? Because you guys are my friends,

But you're saying it's important

But, also, you know, quite a responsibility

But, as his bodyguard, it is my job

But, as leader of the Vampiric Council..

But, Guide Lady, I need you to check in

But, I mean, he's always doing things like that for me,

But, my dark baby,

But, recently, we rewatched Eleven,

But, uh, anyway, thank you all.

But, uh, I just want to say to my wife..

But, uh, tonight is, uh, Saturday

But, you know, more the first thing,

But...

But... love can't always be explained

By a Turkish horde of gangsters and sold off as mincemeat,

By birth and lineage, a vampire killer.

By crying out...

By that, I mean making me temporarily deaf

By the hypnotizer, can really mess up the mind

By the main elevator at 6:52 in the p.m.'s.

By the most desperate of vampire.

By which we vampires keep our presence

Call Dick Clark, 'cause he's gonna want her on Bandstand

Call for desperate measures.

Called the Sherwood Club of London.

Called the Sherwood Club of London.

Camping out on a big rock

Can be kings of their own castle.

Can give some vampires the shits

Can I have the Thank you, Nandor.

Can I help you guys find anything?

Can I touch it?

Can sit on the throne. Who will it be?

Can someone please fetch me a, uh,

Can we get back to the game?

Can we get this going already?

Can you honk the horn?

Can you just give us one minute?

Can you please...

Can you turn this TV down?!

Can't you see I'm doing my talking to the camera thing?

Cannot read the room when a woman needs some attention!

Car

Careful. He might be hiding up a tree

CARMILLA: Yes, a dead body.

CARMILLA: Yes, it does.

Catch your breath, boy

Catching up with you old so and sos. [chuckles]

CBD, edibles, shatter..

Celebrity worship is better

Celebrity worship is better

Centuries ago..

Ceremonies.

CHARMAINE: ...our roses and our thorns

CHARMAINE: Oh, she already drank so much

CHARMAINE: Yes, you have to say you're...

Cheeky prick

Cheers! Bye! Ha!

Chillax, familiar

Clearly

Clearly states that legal counsel's attire cannot be

Close the lid.

Co supreme leader of the Vampiric Council,

COCO: Oh, my God, she's loud

Codependent much? [short chuckle]

Codicil 18 of the Vampiric Council Code of Conduct...

Codicil 18: The prisoner is entitled to...

Coleader.