Frasier - Season 4 Edit

A gun is what he's got!

A gun!

A smoking gun lay on the table

About his boyhood in Surrey: "Romping with his school chums

Absolutely, Bulldog

Actually, he doesn't know about it yet.

Actually, I had rather a long peek at the script.

Actually, I'm working on that. Jennifer down in Accounting

After all, Nigel does have that divine speech in the second act

After you're shot, just say, "I'm dying." Cut the rest.

Ah! Look out! He's got a nug!

All right, Dad.

All right, everybody, change Wang to Wing in your scripts.

All right, everyone.

All right, everyone. Places, please.

All right, everyone. Places, please.

All right, now, I fear we may be running just a bit long still.

All right, people, let's try to keep calm.

All right. All right.

All right. Please, quiet, everybody. Ten seconds.

All right. Start the watch. Stage direction.

Although it's hard when the killer is among us.

And also Mr. Wing.

And also, Noel hasn't rounded up all the sound effects yet,

And Nigel Fairservice lay mortally wounded.

And O'Toole, the handyman. Are you up to it?

And Peppo the dwarf, "a little man with a big secret."

And please, people, let's pick up the pace!

And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family.

And so the case was closed.

And that my dwarf was too tall!

And this plays various kinds of organ music.

And try to find the reality.

And we were left in darkness.

And when she opened her lips,

And with a grateful shudder, I swore I'd never return

And, of course, one final bullet for myself,

Are you sure we should, Hans?

Are you sure you're up to it?

Around the dressing room, beating him with his hump.

As "Bull" Kragen, the brutish gamekeeper.

As long as I still have that delicious speech about my boyhood in Surrey.

As well as Prudence McCallister.

At the bottom of page 14, listen,

At the movies, you say?

At the old inn on the moors.

Aye, 'twas himself and no mistake.

Balloons for gunshots,

Be quiet, Mother.

Boy, I sure didn't see that one coming.

Bulldog?

Bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering

But my job is to suspect everybody.

But my job is to suspect everyone. Please introduce me to your guests.

But never mind that.

But you're on radio all the time.

Butterflies in the stomach,

By this time, I was more baffled than ever, so I played a hunch.

Case was closed. And with a grateful shudder,

Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back?

Dear God! The phone lines have been cut.

Dear God. We've got 60 seconds.

Did you see anything suspicious, Wing?

Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing?

Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing?

Distemper?

Don't worry, I'll cue you as we go along.

Drummed out of the Royal Air Force under mysterious circumstances.

Dyslexia. That's it, she's dyslexic.

Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle

Exactly where were you when the murders occurred, Peppo?

Except your Your Hans could be a bit gruffer.

Found out that they used to specialize in live radio dramas.

Frasier, one of Nigel's lines seems to be missing.

Frasier. You were going to messenger the script to me

From the beginning once again. Now, this time, please, people, dig in,

From the dwarf's entrance.

From your line. Start.

Good evening. This is Frasier Crane

Good evening. This is Frasier Crane

Gosh, we still have a lot of these supporting roles to cast.

Great. As a cop, I hated it when people did that.

Ha.

Had not yet been established.

Hans was a mass murderer, to the surprise of everyone.

Hans, may I see your fingernails?

Hans, the German butler.

He drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing.

Heigh ho, I'm Nigel's brother, Cedric.

Hello, I'm the ice cream man.

Her face was unfamiliar,

Hey, doc. Need one more for your play?

Hi. I need a quiet place to work on my part.

How about "Wing"? All right? That's a great old Chinese name.

How is he enjoying the prospect of playing six parts?

I already know the plot, but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer.

I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer.

I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer.

I caught a hint of some exotic accent.

I caught a hint of some exotic accent.

I caught a hint of some exotic accent."

I don't care anymore.

I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy.

I doubt I'd ever seen a fouler night...

I gotta remember to pick her up one of those cute French maid outfits

I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.

I have no intention of performing in it myself.

I haven't found anyone remotely qualified

I haven't seen him since our boyhood. We'd romp

I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me

I quit! Well, oh, wait! You can't

I see.

I seem to recall a delay on opening night while our Richard chased Frasier

I spoke with the station manager. He's given me 30 minutes

I swore I'd never return to Nightmare Inn.

I tried to shake Nigel's alibi, but each witness was adamant.

I was at the movies.

I was baffled. They all had alibis.

I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred.

I was talking about a friend of mine, Maxine.

I'll just adjust his dialogue later. All right. Start.

I'll take it.

I'll trim some more before we try again.

I'm afraid the part has already been cast.

I'm dying.

I'm just going to take this gun off the table.

I'm Nigel Fairservice, inspector.

I'm Nigel Fairservice, inspector. I was strolling in the garden

I'm not even...

I'm not what I appear. None of us is. I'm not a butler.

I'm short on bullets.

I'm still not entirely happy with the second McCallister sister

I'm thinking of asking him to play six or seven smaller parts.

I've also got a gravel box, bells, a rain stick and coffee thermos.

I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage.

I've got some serious butterflies going here.

I've had a quick peek at your script, and I think I'd be perfect

I've half a mind to walk out.

If he did, he never would have agreed

If she had a dollar for every minute she spent on stage

In all my years at the Yard,

In our prep school production of Richard III,

In the end, you'll be directing,

In the fens and spinneys, when the twilight bathed

Inspector Ow.

Is it too late to read for the role of the inspector?

Is married to a professional actor who specializes in dialects.

Isn't it lovely to be working with a professional?

It appears to be...

It begins with a "dis." Dis, dis ?

It shows he's a caring person.

It's me I'm worried about.

It's nothing serious. I think she just wrestled in some bad Jell O.

Ja, I saw him.

Ja, I saw the gentleman.

Just set your dials for goose bumps.

Just so they don't all talk at once.

Just so they don't all talk at once.

Just then, the lights went out again!

Let me have a tall skinny to go, please, and you can keep the change.

Let me try Hans again and tell me how my German is sounding.

Like a serpent coiled within a damp cave.

Listen, that's all a part of the thrill of the live performance,

Listening to the radio, absolutely mesmerized.

Maxine could knock that line right out of the park.

Mel is going to play Hans, the German butler, both McCallister sisters,

Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy after

Mr. Wing wasn't mute last night.

My God, it is a juicy part, does call for a strong voice,

Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey.

Never mind all that.

Nigel Fairservice was shot again.

Niles, it was just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension.

Niles.

No, eh? I'll remember you said that.

No, no. Never mind. I know your guests by reputation.

No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing.

Noel will give us a demonstration

Novocaine. He said it would wear off by now.

Now we're really stranded.

Now, I've only got a moment. I've taken on a very exciting project.

Now, that's a lot of responsibility on you,

O'Toole, the gardener.

Of course, the inscrutable and mute Mr. Wing...

Of the sound effects. What have you got?

Oh, I keep biting my lip.

Oh, Maxine, be sure to watch out for your cue,

Oh, me no lookee. Me go beddy bye, chop chop.

Oh, there's your brother.

Oh, wait a minute. She does.

Oh, which reminds me, Mel...

Oh, who remembers? That I had the magnetism of Marlon Brando,

Oh, yeah, right. We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night.

Oh, you got it, baby.

Oh?

Okay

Okay, and...

Okay, it's a deal. And Maxine is gonna be so excited

Okay, that's it.

On Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn

Only grazed me.

Or yours, Kragen and Peppo.

Peppo the dwarf, a retired circus performer.

Peppo! Where were you?

Perhaps we could have a little post play discussion.

Please introduce me to your

Poor man was gone

Right now, frankly, I'm just a bit more worried

Right on time, good. We have to be on our toes tonight,

Romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys

Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips,

Saying "gesundheit" after the butler sneezes?

See, that's why I prefer TV. You want to be able to see that stuff.

Several people. Hans, the German butler...

She just has one line, anyway. "Look out! He's got a gun."

Sit down, inspector. You're about to hear a fascinating tale.

Six different roles in six different accents?

So I'm gonna have Daphne read those directions as well.

So I'm putting one on.

So I've asked Daphne to time us this evening,

So the mystery will die with me.

Sorry about that, O'Toole.

Sorry I'm late, Frasier. I just spent two hours in the dentist's chair.

Sorry.

Sound of door slamming.

Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings.

Stop the watch.

Stop the watch.

Stop! Chinese Embassy on line one.

Stop.

Stop. Time?

Studio Five.

Suddenly Miss Thorndyke pointed, her eyes wide with alarm.

Suddenly...

Sweaty palms, scratchy throat, pounding heart.

Thank God you've come.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic,

That's easy for you to say,

That's easy for you to say.

The charm of Danny Kaye and the range of Laurence Olivier.

The charm of Danny Kaye and the range of Laurence Olivier.

The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndyke.

The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders.

The hedgerows like a lambent flame

The maid lay dead, unable to name her killer,

The only rewriting I've done is simply cutting, to get it down to 30 minutes.

The phone lines have been repaired, you say? Hello?

The same guy's playing all those parts?

The sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead.

The tragic death of my father.

Then, a scream.

There remained one suspect whose whereabouts

There's someone outside the window!

This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke.

This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke.

This is KACL's 50th anniversary. I did a little research,

This is my door sound, my thunder screen,

This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wang.

This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wing.

This is turning into a bloodbath.

This must be Mr. Wing, the silk merchant.

Till then, this is Dr

To Nightmare Inn.

To play a wily old Scotland Yard inspector.

To re create the very first mystery KACL ever aired.

To relate to you. When we've finished,

Totally and completely isolated from any contact

Until the last minute. But not to worry, your natural talent

Wait! They've gone dead again.

We have a professional actor with us

We still need someone for the sinister silk merchant.

We used to romp in the fens and spinneys

We were a simple people

Welcoming you to KACL's re creation of the original Mystery Theater.

Well, I don't even know who I'm playing.

Well, never mind.

Well, okay, but you have to agree to play a part too.

Well, one quick phone call can verify that.

Well, she doesn't sound spinsterish enough to me.

Well, that should certainly comfort the woman

Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in

Well, then...

Well, we do still have the part of the maid. She only has one line.

Well, we still have...

What was it the Yale Daily News said about your Tartuffe?

What was it the Yale Daily News said about your Tartuffe?

What's this?

When the lights came back up,

When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent

Where are you gonna find an idiot

Who called in about her paranoia.

Who knows what other surprises this night may bring

Who's gonna be the first one murdered

Why don't you go up here in the booth.

Why, yes, Miss Thorndyke.

Will carry you through. All right, look, take a look at this.

Willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?

With him playing it, they may not seem so mysterious.

With the outside world.

Work on her part? It's just one line.

Yeah, but she's got that condition, what do you call it?

Yeah, but that's me being me. This is acting. It's It's scary.

Years ago I went to school with Nigel Fairservice.

Yes, he's also playing "Bull" Kragen, the gamekeeper,

Yes, I had to cut the play by 20 minutes, Gil.

Yes, I was taking a breath of air.

Yes, I'm sorry, Niles, but you're doing brilliantly.

Yes, people of Dad's generation would sit around at night,

Yes, thank you.

Yes, well, perhaps they have different standards than I have.

Yes, yes. But that line so neatly defined Nigel's character

Yes. Nigel Fairservice

You also told me that my gamekeeper sounded too cultured,

You don't think he knows how to direct?

You gotta give me another name. I'll crack up every time I hear that.

You know, Gil, I think that's just a bit too on the nose.

You know, that's wonderful, Mel...

You may be right. I may have to bite the bullet.

You think you You might be up to that this evening, Daphne?

You'll have rewritten the script and be playing the lead.

You'll know the full, dark secret of Nightmare Inn.

You'll never know what's lurking in the shadows.

You'll notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips, cheese fell out."

Your natural spontaneity is your best asset as an actor.

"Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn"? It's just a working title.

"Nightmare Inn." Oh, don't tell me, I know.

"Sound of door opening." Inspector, thank God you've come.

about being over time. Gil! Yes?

Again? We did this four times! We'll do it till I'm completely satisfied.

An emergency. What is the matter?

And you tell me that now. No, no. Hey, she'll be great.

but believe me, my hands are full. Oh, Frasier,

Come on in. Hi, Daphne.

Come on in. Hi, Daphne.

Did anyone see you? Several people.

Do we have a leading man yet? No.

Does it have any big words? No, it's simple.

Does she have experience? Are you kidding?

Don't direct me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're right.

Everybody, this is Maxine. Oh, hello, Maxine. Welcome.

Exactly! And I'm going to direct. Oh, so we can stop wondering.

for a butler. All right, all right,

Hans: Jawohl.

Hello. Bulldog, Gil.

Hold it. Bulldog, where's Maxine? She's home with food poisoning.

Hold it. Bulldog, where's Maxine? She's home with food poisoning.

Hurry up, it's starting! All right.

I suppose you have all of those. I do now.

in fens and spinneys " Yes, yes, that one!

It's cut, Gil. Learn to let go. Oh, very well.

Miss McCallister: Oh, mercy, yes.

O'Toole: Faith, and it's true.

Oh, I'll try. Good.

Oh, really. Yes. You know,

Oh, yes. That's great.

on my way home from work. It's radio.

our man of a thousand voices. Oh, it's a huge pleasure.

She doesn't have to be in costume. Maybe here she doesn't.

Shouldn't I prepare a little? Now, listen,

So, what do we do now, boss? Not to worry. I have a plan.

Surely you must remember them. Oh, sure.

Take on the part myself. Excuse me, Dr. Crane.

Thank you. You have an Orson Welles complex.

That's 32 minutes, 40 seconds. Damn!

That's my boyhood in Surrey speech. Yes, I know.

this morning. I'm so, so sorry, I was tinkering with it

to promote it on your show. Actually, I wasn't talking about me.

Well, maybe. But you know what you could play?

Well, we're getting there. Except for the lead.

Well, you could do it. Oh, don't be silly, Roz.

What does that do? Keeps my coffee warm.

What was your name? Miss Thorndyke.

What's your problem? "Wang"?

when this dreadful tragedy occurred

Why? They seem a bit ragged

Yes, that's still in. "Romping with my school chums

You can't cut that, you can't. Stop whining. We have a play to do.

You can't say that. It's all right.

...but he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German.

...German.

...nine minutes remaining.

...start the watch.

...than that on which I was called out to investigate a double murder

...that pretty much wrapped things up.

...the ice cream truck.

...the storm put the lights out.

...wears a bell on his hat.

...who...

"Look out! He's got a gun."

"Nightmare Inn." Act Two.

"Sound of door closing."